Followers

Sunday

-uhukk-

-cough cough- it's very dusty here with all the hanging cobwebs.. -cough again- huu. Okay, I'm back. I have decided to activate this blog again (1 of the 3 blogs which I am lamely managing huhuuu) because... simply no reason :) but it is going to be a bit different, sorry for that.. anyway, I'm back!

Saturday

A 'sinful' month

I guess the past 1 month was a very 'sinful' period for me. I couldn't stop shopping. (Paid religious visit to kedai kain and tailor entah brp kali ntah). Went out dating with Mimi yesterday and today, because I was in such a fragile mood. And today we wasted our money on handbags because Parkson is having a sale. I really want to take my mind off these depress thingies -Masya Allah!! Shopping and women are synonyms?? Only when I am depressed huu..Hmm... but I don't like jewelleries, that at least make me a bit different.

One of the things that i like most- to be alone or talk to Ummi
One of the things that Ummi likes to advise me when i feel sad- go to bed early today (gee she always say i don't get enough sleep)
Another of her advise- get a square meal (she also likes to claim that I am stressed because i don't eat healthy foods)
Sometimes she asks me to go for an outing and relax
But one of the BEST advise she always give is pray to Allah, buat solat hajat everyday, Ummi pun solat and doakan sekali... how very calming 
to hear that
Thank You Allah for giving me a perfect Ummi!

Ya Rabbana..

La yukallifullahu nafsan ILLA wus'aha
Laha ma kasabat wa'alaiha maktasabat
Rabban la tuakhizna innasiinaa aw akhtho'na
Rabbana wa laa tahmil alaina ishran kama hamaltahu 'alalladziina min qablina
Rabbana wa laa tuhammilna ma laa tho qotholana bih
Wa'fuanna waghfirlanaa warhamnaa
Nta mawlana fanshurna 'alal qawmil kafiriin


Tidak Allah bebankan sesuatu keatas seseorang melainkan sesuai dengan kesanggupannya
Dia mendapat pahala (dari kebajikan) yang diusahakannya dan medapata seksa (dari kejahatan) yang dilakukannya

Tuhan kami, janganlah Engkau hukum kami andai kami terlupa atau tersalah
Wahai Tuhan kami, janganlah Engkau bebankan kepada kami bban yang berat sebagaimana Engkau membebani orang sebelum kami
Wahai Tuhan kami, janganlah Engkau bebani kami dengan sesuatu yang tidak sanggup kami memikulnya..
Maafkanlah kami, ampunilah kami, dan rahmatilah kami..
Engkaulah penolong kami, maka tolonglah kami terhadap kaum yang kafir.

Her existence was significant

I am not trying to reform this blog into a death book where i write down all the death that took place in the wards.. but sadly another 2 patients died yesterday. A fresh reminder for me, that any time I will breathe out my last breath.. and become a tiny part of history. Innalillahi wainnailaihi raji'un

One of them was the one I mentioned before, and another one was a mak cik who suffered from end stage breast cancer, with skin, lung and probably liver mets. Her death was also expected, i waited at the ward till 12.30pm, but she passed out at 1.30pm.. Her death marked the end of her long sorrowful live, being dumped by the husband when whe was given her 'death sentence' diagnosis of breast carcinoma few years previously, and which made me think how will my life ends? How can there be a man so cruel, leaving his wife behind when she is no longer attractive, no longer capable of serving him, when she was the one who sacrificed herself for him before??? Na'udzubillahi min dzaalik. I pray that I won't be as cruel as that..

To talk on the sacrifices of a mum-cum-wife, I just can't find the right words to potray how great the sacrifices are. Especially when she sacrifices her own dream for the sake of taking care of her family, when she agrees to get pregnant and breastfeed her babies thus losing her beauty in doing that (you know the unshapely abdomen, striated skin, sagging breasts), when she lends her ears to the grumblings of her loved ones, when she eat the leftover 
foods to avoid wasting and become obese... ahh i just can't imagine doing all that

At last mak cik returned to her Creator, may Allah bless her. To see the tears that flow from the eyes of her sons, I feel at ease to know that her absence meant something and her existence  was significant. And i stood not far from her bed, listening to the yasin 
being recited, indeed we belong to Him and to Him we will return........

Friday

Ouch someone bited my back!

Yesterday I got a news which was not easy on my ear drums- ghibah or back biting. Ouchh somebody back-bited me, how I hope it was non infectious, or else I won't forgive the one who transmitted the pathogen (which happens to be a super antigen to a friend but alhamdulillah not to me) into my blood.. because you see it is human nature- when someone starts talking something not nice about something else, then somebody else will try to support and share whatever similar experience they have, just to make the whole afffair soounds so extravaganza and all hmmm.. and I have the tendency to do the same- I am a human being!

And when someone back bites a person, he/she will have the tendency to bark back, and show off their fangs.. definitely not me or we will end up in an ugly inhumane fight. Come to think of it, sape yg suka ghibah ni sebenarnya? I don't mean to point my finger to anybody, but it is always those who have nothing better to do like makcik2 kampung (but ada makcik kg yg x begitu, and ada juga pekerja2 ofis yg begitu huu). And i just don't bother to entertain. BUT OF COURSE the first thing that I should do is to look back at myself, and assess whether they talk about true things. If it is true, then say ASTAGHFIRULLAH and IMPROVE. If it is not true, say LA HAWLAWALA QUWATA ILLA BILLAHIL ALIYIL AZIM and IGNORE. If it is true, then the opposite party is sinful for ghibah. If it is untrue then they are sinful for fitnah.

But I have my own life, I have my own believe, I have my own principles, and I feel happy feeling the purposes of my life and all the way acknowledging that Allah will always be with me.. He is the most Gracious, most MERCIFUL.. ALHAMDULILLAH =)

Wednesday

Searching for any wonder

When I looked at the last post, only then i realized that i has been sometime since i last wrote here. almost 1 week. i was sick with grieves i think, which impaired my ability to express. i wrote about 2 patients who died, and now another one is dying and deteriorating, 
which doesn't comfort me at all that i will live longer than her.. death can come at any time, 
which i was reminded of when a patient told me that the doctor who treated her died earlier 
than her.. Innalillahiwainnailaihi raji'un.. We belong to Him, and to Him we will return..

But that doesn't mend the bitter truth that i really miss my parents and want to go home, but a long and nightmarish weekend awaits me (because i have on-call on saturday but am currently thinking of skipping it huu), and the anti-depressant that i took (which consists of motivational advices from friends) doesn't seem to work at all! Dragging my reluctant heart to the hospital is very tiring indeed!! Astaghfirullah..

Saturday

AECD- Acute Exacerbation of Chronic Depression

Yesterday 2 patients died. I observed the CPR being done, came back from the hospital at nearly 12a.m because it was raining cats and dogs and my friend (the driver of the day) didn't have the valor to challenge the unfriendly weather and drive home. I went to the hospital again this morning, but decided that the ward was not an interesting place to be in for today, sat in the study room, did some discussion with a friend, expressed some inappropriate emotions, go back to the hostel and slept.

Do I obviously fulfill the requirement of being a psychiatric patient?? AECD- Acute Exacerbation of Chronic Depression, with unknown triggerring factor. According to the standard classification, this is severe persistent, no doubt about it with daily day symptoms, daily night symptoms, 
frequent exacerbation affecting daily activities. Ya Allah, help me to be a normal person.. I pray that I'll be just fine. I don't even know what is wrong with my life when i have everything tip-top and super-duper. Nothing is wrong at all with my life, except that I continue to be symptomatically depressed! 
That is weird..actually. Do I really feel sad with my current life this much???.......................... 

Thursday

Depressed more than ever

Because i am in extreme depression right now, that would be a legitimate alasan for me to ramble here!! And please, nobody is supposed to know the real me, i am being anonymous here! So I am not trying to exhibit hikmah or being extra kind or polite to anybody.

Kenapa la orang yang dah kawen tak nak layan psgn masing2 dengan elok? Pakai cantik2 for each other, bercakap baik2 to each other, and do all the romantic things that loving couples do???? Ni serabai, selekeh je. Sedih je tengok keadaan camni.

Best tau tengok orang yg dah kahwin and ada psgn yang HALAL bermanja-manja dengan each other.

KENAPA PULAK orang yang belum kahwin asyik nak jaga penampilan and ckp2 lembut2 to each other? Kenapa nak romantik2 and do all the things that UNMARRIED COUPLES SHOULDN'T DO??

MELUAT and NAK TERMUNTAH and DEPRESSING tau tengok orang yang belum kahwin ni mengada-ngada kat each other.. A reminder for MYSELF jangan la buat camtu coz everybody would feel the same way towards me!

whatever la. EVERYBODY has the tendency to do that, cuba tanya sapa2 semua memang suka buat camtu, but.... control la sniri huu. I am getting more depressed than ever.. huuu

Alaa bidzikrillah tathmainnal quluub..

I clerked a patient who had schizophrenia. I am having an internal debate of whether i should consult Dr Nora the psychiatrist..

Tuesday

oopsss!!

Dude, I've tried my best not to brood, but I still can't shoo away the question "why I am not in the same posting with you???" Dude-Ah-Long.. -sigh- you baca doa tak before the third year came, so that we'll b posted together? -sigh for the second time-. Make sure u pray a lot so that we'll be posted together in year 5 -sigh for the third time-.. the bleak future.. huu

Oh no my pure heart is tainted once again..! by the unacceptable pornographic nude pictures in the Moore (hey it's the anatomy book!) -sigh for the fourth time- It reveals how long a period I haven't opened this book, because I almost forgot of the inappropriate pictures.. but ALHAMDULILLAH i have covered them using the yellow stick-on-notes paper.. haha hanya orang yang beriman akan buat camni =P. Anyway i do think the pics are inappropriate, some of them needn't be shown pun. Needless! -sigh for the fifith time- ok anat, i'm trying to be in "good term" with you again hehe

It is now 19:41

It is almost 3 weeks, and yet i haven't forgotten a bit..

I have just finished a bowl of mee sup and I could have sworn that the chef used perencah maggi ayam!! (oops i blow out my own secret that i eat maggi as well haha). Tak aci langsung and the mee cost me Rm3.50 huu

Today marks my 1st day of Surgery posting. After a slightly-more-than-an-hour briefing, we were informed that we have Long Case presentation w Dr JK in an hour time (which means we have to cover the patients in the whole ward, only to find out later that the class was depressingly cancelled!). But at least we have tried our best to clerk all patients despite the ample time whih was sadly wasted to entertain our blurry minds..

I am so tired, and i have promised myself to be a better student this posting (hopefully i remember the promise till the end of the posting =P), excuse me for i desperately need my beauty sleep now before i work out my poor lazy brain shortly..

Everybody, study hard k!

Monday

Hari ini aku kalah

Have you ever imagined, life is a competition, a contest, a tournament. Life is for testing our aqidah, our iman, our akhlaq. Life always provide us with choices, but the choice that we make determine whether we are the winner or the loser. Life is a never ending evaluation, 
to see how far can we endure the hardship, and how best we tackle the challenges. Life is very short, 
and eternity can only be gained in the hereafter.

This morning i was due to meet someone. I waited for almost 1 hour ( ONE HOUR!!) before she finally arrived.. i was very mad, and i lost my temper, but that placed me in the place of a MANDATORY LOSER. Astaghfirullah.. i very seldom get angry with people, but when it comes to punctuality... it really ticks me off. May Allah forgive me for what have i done today.. Sorry to anybody who was affected.. ASTAGHFIRULLAH

Saturday

Men are from mars, women are from venus

I just don't know what to write, but hanging around (surfing the internet aimlessly) is not a good idea anyway.. so i end up stuck here, and make my mind think of something. But 1 thing i am sure of is..i blame myself because i did something which i shouldn't do.. watching a friend's wedding photo! That is so forbidden!

Before the hol, i managed to borrow a book from a friend- Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I just know, it is so unbelievable for me to read that book, i can't believe it myself -pheww-. And i skipped many parts -again, i am not enthusiastic the least in reading motivational books, no different from reading a novel- but Alhamdulillah.. from my 'scanning' (i just scanned the book to be truthful), i learnt that men are so different from women (a fact that everybody has known huu).

My review of this book-If you are not so keen in this matter or you just don't bother to change yourself or understand others, just forget about the book, it would be very boring (motivational books are always boring btw!!). If you are determined in acquiring communication skills between men(martian)  and women (venusian), first you have to understand the differences that they have. Of course, you can learn some of the differences from this book. BUT if you have the intention of MANIPULATING the opposite gender, boil this book in a broth 
and drink it! Or tadabbur each word contained in it. You'll definitely succeed gee.

To conclude, it is not a waste of time to read it, but on the other hand.......... read it yourself, only then you'll know. In the meantime, i'm searching for a new book.
1 thing for sure, I have to make my future husband read this =P

Friday

Arghh arghhhh!!

I am emotional when I watched Soleha- if you heve never heard of Soleha, it is an Indonesian movie which Ummi extremley loves watching. Kononnya nak potray a religious muslimah, Soleha who wears hijab and practise Islamic teaching BUT date his boyfriend and after that his fiance till late at night. Soleha is engaged to a man named Erfan after she thought her previous boyfriend had died. It turned out to be that her previous boyfriend was not dead, and turned out to be that Ervan and Rendra are brothers. Rendra was the real son of their parents while Ervan was an adoppted child. So you see the awkwardness tha exist between Soleha, Ervan and Rendra. And in today's episode, Rendra wanted to give a present to Soleha, but alhamdulillah she rejected it. She went out with Rendra, she did many things with Rendra and expected Ervan to not be jealous of that!! Fuhh geramnya. It shows of how shallow the knowledge of Muslim today regarding Islam itself. Islam is not hijab ONLY. Islam has outlined every single thing up to tiniest matter.

A women should take care of herself to prevent fitnah. What more if they are someone else's fiancee or wife. No wonder la nowadays divorce occurs rampantly.. because muslimaat are no more sensitive regarding this issue.. Fuhh geramnya!!

Ampang Medikal

Yesterday I was extremely unfortunate to be given the chance to watch Ampang Medikal. Initially Abah changed the tv channel and accidentally arrived at that particular programme. He quickly changed it again, and made faces, while saying "Ni cerita Grey's Anatomy ni". I was curious.. a Malaysian Grey's Anatomy? Then instinctively I changed back, to inspect the Malaysian Grey's Anatomy.. and it turned out to be Ampang Medikal. Oh yeah.. the second Medical Movie by Malaysian.. The first one was of course unnegligible, pathetic TOTAL failure. I am talking about cinta medik here. It spread the idea that medical students do 
nothing other than taking care of their love lives and scandals all the time (I say: How I  would love to do that!!. -while rolling my eyeballs upward, but hey I am not having seizure, though I had history of febrile 
fit when i was small). It was rubbish, I should say.
Ampang medikal is next. Quite interested, i took a more comfortable position in front of the big screen, only to experience an overwhelming disappointment few minutes later.. when i realized it was not different from cinta medik at all!!! How pathehtic. Well they shouldn't be called doctors, but lovebirds disguised in white coats huu. No wonder Abah despised that movie soo much..

Can't they at least produce something near to House M.D? Yeah everybody says something that sounds like "Oh cerita Dr gile ni ke?" but at least I learn many things from this movie, the main bulk of the story is the case. And at least i learnt that causes of anion gap acidosis are MUDPILES, and that pancreatic cyst can be caused by gallstone, or Cushing disease presented with truncal obesity, hypertension etc rather than "Kami nak 
pindahkan pak cik ni ke ICU kerana bimbang keadaannya menjadi semakin kritikal" Huu

Thursday

What is...?




What is more calming than sinking yourself in the beauty of Quranic recitation?
What is more inspiring than reading His promises for those who devote their life to Him?
What is more motivating than knowing that life doesn't end here, and everything we do today will be paid in the hereafter?
What is more relieving than understanding that His mercy and love are overwhelming?
What is more scarying than acknowledging His adzab is very severe?

Movie marathon

i tried to read the Browse textbook, but without any intention i fell asleep for 2.5 hours pheww from 1.30pm to 4pm, MasyaAllah!! And since sleeping was like entering a cinema, i have to admit that i accidentally  i watched few movies this afternoon huu. One of them was a repeated movie, and few others were new to me.. in OBVIOUS words..i had few dreams this afternoon, and frankly, one of them was a dream that i had before this. It was repeated! 
Hmm tulah tido lama sgt..

I dreamt of a patient whom i had met in the hospital. He actually had Protein-Losing Enteropathy but in my dream, he had HIV positive.. It was such a sad dream and it proved that I miss going to the hospital.. And in the same story, I was bringing my mum to the hospital to visit a relative, my mum was fragile and old, and i did my duty as a good daughter, protecting her and such.. which made me feel sad when i woke up, because i don't know whether i will do that in the future..
Would I be able to allocate a part of my timetable for her in the setting of my hectic life as a doctor..Would i be able to take care of her just like the way she took care of me when i was small? Would i be able to be by her side when she needs me most, just like her presence by my side when i  need support and a friend? Ya Allah help me to be a good daughter..

I did not plan to go back home after the examination, but suddenly there was an urge.. an inner voice which forced me to re-think.. that i should be by my parents' sides while i still have the chance, the space, the time..

Do appreciate your parents and treat them as nice as possible =)

Extra rajin

I have just arrived home at 6pm today. At 8pm, I had already browse the Browse's surgical textbook huu. It was not because I was an extremely hardworking student, but because i was 
overwhelmed by the guilt of not doing my best in the last block.. And now I am suffering from anxiety while waiting for the exam result to be ready.. 

I feel like something is swimming right in front of my eyes.. or probably in the vitreous humour of my eyes- that clearly explains what i am experiencing. It is now past 12am.. but when i know that there won't be any wardwork or class tomorrow, it feels like a waste to spend my night time sleeping... so much can be done huuu

BUT really i can't stand it anymore.. extreme sleepiness. Browse, we'll date again tomorrow insyaAllah =)

Wednesday

Examination

Today, ALHAMDULILLAH i anchored my ship at a new point charted on my navigation map- I had my first clinical examination! Ok I may sound like a a hopeless brat, sorry about that but it really meant something big to me.. Alhamdulillah.
Ok the exam was like this, today we were divided into 3 groups. The first group would start their session at 11.30am, 2nd group at 12pm and the third group at 12.30pm. Being such an unsensible don't-steal-my-parking-space sissy, i have to confess that i headed for the hospital at 7am when actually i was scheduled to start at 12.30pm- I was in the 3rd group. It's not a joke, it is extra-unimaginable-stress to find a parking space near the hospital nowadays -sigh-
Carrying the heavy load of anxiety in my chest (I should just be thankful to Allah that it didn't produce any precordial bulging or displace my apex beat), I headed to the ward with Mimi -one of my best buddy =)- repeating along the way how to do a Central Nervous System examination, we were exactly acting like 2 parrots.. and to acknowledge that in Malay parrots are called Kakak Tua -gosh, we were like 2 ancient sisters-
I guess everybody was anxious, proven by a phone call which i received from a friend, who asked me how to clerk an asthma case. Well you see in the last precious minutes, the normal feeling is.. suddenly an extremely efficient vacuum cleaner has sucked and cleared everything from our mind. I guess if we percuss the brain, the normal result is hyperresonance huuu
But i was at least relieved by the fact that my turn would be 4 hours away.. so i had around 240 minutes to prepare.. and to sulk. It was not a mystery anyway when we arrived in the ward, none of the 3rd year medical students was around, it was still to early. And we actually took the opportunity to smack each other (whoaa!! actually we tried to find deep tendon reflex in each other hehe) for uncountable times! What a joke hehe
Not much later, a friend arrived.. and few others.. so you can just imagine when someone asked "Crept is heard during which phase? Inspiratory or expiratory?" It was answered by this, "Should we do a complete abdominal examination if we are asked to do haematological system examination?", or when someone asked "Apa finding dalam meningitis?", it was answered by exclamation of "Ya Allah, tak baca langsung pasal HIV" etc. And out of nowhere someone religiously recited the components of Glasgow coma scale, BUT OF COURSE the popular choosen words were: Cuak, Takut, Berdebar, Ketaq etc..-SIGH-
Suddenly the door of the was opened, and... Dr Wahab (our head of pediatric department, our lecturer) made his holy appearance. It was SOO HOLY that an aura of paroxysmal panic spread into the room and diffused through our skins and directly to visceras especially the heart and intestine..because it did produce a symptom of palpitation, tachycardia, shortness of breath, and abdominal cramp.. they call it psychosomatic pain. If anyone just can't imagine the situation, ask Harry Potter regarding his experiences while encountering the dementors and being offered death kisses, or when encountering hollows in Bleach.. i am more than sure the experience is exactly the same huu.
And suddenly Dr wahab told us all to start the exam, despite our group designation. I was about to drop dead on the floor, but at least the remain of strong-will forced me to gather myself up and just brave any obstacles that awaits.. just like a macho warrior, off to the battlefield hahaha.
But alhamdulillah 4 of us was assigned to patients in the same cubicle, and we actually discussed regarding our case! It was not different from the daily ward activity, everybody was talking to each other.. and of course i helped myself to the patient's folder, and brushed my skill in copying the vital signs and anthropometric meaurements haha. Those who were a bit unlucky, they had to do all that by theirselves..

I can't find the right words to describe how grateful I am..because i won't be feeling relieved if only Allah hasn't helped me in the examination. I can assure that i got a simple case (febrile fit), a cooperative patient (2 year old boy who was very active and obey commands and CUTE!), and a lenient lecturer (Prof Aye Aye who helped me a lot throughout my presentation, and smiled to make me feel relax perhaps though I know that many a times i made mistakes). Then the rest was depending on whether I have studied or not (which i do not dare to comment.. due to the hopeless syndrome crisis which i got before the exam).. and of course taqdir. Allah knows what is best for me.

To think that the mother of my patient told me what the doctor has told her..
Mum: Doktor kata tonsil dia bengkak, merah
Me (dalam hati): Good, now i don't have to find the reason for fever
Mum: Ha ni bengkak ni (while showing towards the left submandibular lymphadenopathy measuring 1 cm x 1 cm)
Me (dalam hati): Ya Allah, excellent! Probably i would have missed the lymphadenopathy if she hadn't mentioned it earlier
SUBHANALLAH ALLAHUAKBAR WALILLAHILHAMD

For the short case, I had to comment a Down Syndrome patient to Dr Siti Noor. A very sweet and nice Dr, but very intelligent also which made me feel very inferior to her hehe. It should be an easy case, but as i was experiencing absence seizure at that time, i kind of zoom out huu. And the fact that i was asked regarding the anatomy of hands (i don't even remember the middle phalanges exist!!!!) did not help at all! Worst was I had a facial muscle cramp which started when I was smiling, and obviously that resulted in me smiling throughout the short case even when Dr said (Do you want to go back to year 1 and learn anatomy?" OMG, i am very sure it looked like a pasted smile but what to do.. everything was over.. But alhamdulillah ala kulli hal..

Special thanks to MIMI, Ghaus, Salam and Afiq who helped me to relax during the clerking phase (by showing that you all were cuak too and made me realize i was not the only candidate who menggelabah tahap extreme huu), and who helped me to relax before the presentation by entertaining my killer question of "How can we rule out meningitis?" Jazakumullah.

Monday

Is this a personal blog??..

Somebody make me think, is this a personal blog? Is it meant for myself only? Aren't other people welcomed to browse and scan and read it? Ok, back to basic, the 1st hadith in 40 hadith compiled by Imam Nawawi- It is regarding intention. Niat.

Innama al'a3maalu binniyati, wa innama likullim ri im ma nawa..

Indeed a deed is repaid by the intention of doing it, and indeed for every single thing, i according to what we have earlier intentionalized..

And what was and is my intention of writing this blog? We write to express, we write to convey, we write to share.. And i hope I can share anything 
good with the readers, in the most relaxing way, but along the way I keep succumbing to the downside of human nature and a spectrum of unpredictable roller coaster emotions.. which of course affect my writing. And give birth to the extreme guilt which I am experiencing whenever anybody read this hehe. Well, you see that is life. You are tested by Him, you stumble, but you recollect your strength, stand up and move on. That is how each of us learn..=) Life is so intricate, delicate and wonderful.. rght? I just can't stop myself from feeling awed by all these wonders bestowed upon us absolutely by Allah

Truth is, anybody is Most Welcomed to read this blog IF ONLY he/she can stand all the grumpiness and negativism which i have excellently stored in this page. My advise is, do choose whatever is good for you, and filter out whatever 
irrelevant stuffs in this blog.

I am not perfect, I am not wise, I am not great, I am just a backstreet lady who has nothing to offer, except for concern and care as ur ukhti fil Islam insyaAllah =)

Dear readers

Dear readers, this is a personal blog about personal issues, concerns, experiences, feelings and doings which don't help other people (at least), but you are welcome to read it since it is already a public blog that's not restricted to a certified reader. However, if you find anything good in it, then pray to Allah that He rewards me for it and pray that you may benefit from it as well. If on the other hand, you find some desestable articles, commentaries (etc), then point it out as a concerned Muslim so that we correct each other in the spirit of Islam and enjoining good. =)

Saturday

Thanks ukhti =)

An achievement which I should immortalize in my very own The Most Impossible Book of Stale Record- I actually managed to stay up late last night and wake up early this morning just to complete the past year exam questions!!!! Thanks to a great comrade who managed to make 
me feel obliged to sweat it out hehe. Alhamdulillah, but in the most regret tone, I have to meekly 
make a non-apologizable confession to her, that I slept straightaway after her 'holy departure' from my room =P It's the qishas system- sleep deprivation should only be compensated with sleep.

To be very truthful, I miss going to the ward and tire myself to listlessness with GCS of 3 huuu..

Thursday

Case Report from X Files

Known case of
1.Chronic depression
2.Complex Brain Wiring Disease
3.Severe Anomalous Perception
4.Persistent cardiopathy, resistant to treatment

Chief complain:
Chronic sleep for.... day duration + personality changes for... day duartion

History of Presenting Illness:

Hearing inner voices telling her to get her beauty sleep and probably acquire hints for the exam in her dream as well
Having illusion- misinterpret her laptop as probably a cake with white frosting which should be delicious to sink the teeth into, or joyous for the intestinal villi to do overtime work of absorbing all the electrical calories

With hepatomegaly, I would like to make a provisional diagnosis of this patient:
Paroxysmal Never-mentioned-before Hopeless Syndrome

Wednesday

Cuak sangat.

i was waiting for the bus from the hospital to my college. when suddenly an uncle walked passed me. out of the blue, he asked me what was i doing, whether i was waiting for the bus. i actually stammered when i said "a'ah". "Student UIA ke?" Still blurry, i nodded. "Bila lagi nak kahwin?" Disoriented. "Kahwin la cepat. Banyak2kan baca surah Maryam ye" He smiled and went away.

Dan ku yang masih tercengang-cengang dan tak terkata-kata lagi.. terus tertengok je pak cik tu berlalu pergi. And i wasted no time to look at myself, "Is there anything wrong with me? Rasa macam tengah duduk dengan baik je at the bus stand." Memang cuak sangat, i thought i forgot to wear my tudung etc. Huh.. ada juga manusia camni..

Monday

I'm in no mood

It was a tiring day, a day-journey to PPUM to visit a friend who was admitted to the ward. Of course, I took the chance to go back home just for a while. But indeed, it was very worthwhile =) a dear friend whom i haven't met since 3 long years ago (since we graduated from matric perhaps??), which make i ponder again and again, there is a blessing in being ill, but of course that doesn't mean i want all my friends to fall ill so that i can go and visit them hmm.

We were very worried when we received the sms, informing of his hospital admission. And hesitated no more, to make a trip to PPUM. To be very truthful, when we saw the smile on his face, and the fact that he could still joke around chatting away cheerily about his condition, it washed away the worriness. But of course, apa yang tersembunyi di hati, tiada siapa yang mengerti, melainkan Allah s.w.t..

A post which i dedicate to Farid, may you get well soon. We (S3) really hope you will be strong in facing this trial from Allah. And may you always realize you are tried because Allah loves you. And may you always be aware that we are behind you, hoping to offer you support in anyway possible insyaAllah =)

Saturday

Atas Nama Cinta

Atas Nama Cinta
Album : Tika Itu
Munsyid : UNIC

Tika mata
Diuji manisnya senyuman
Terpamit rasa menyubur harapan

Dan seketika
Terlontar ke dunia khayalan
Hingga terlupa singkat perjalanan
Tersedar aku dari terlena
Dibuai lembut belaian cinta

Rela aku pendamkan
Impian yang tersimpan
Enggan ku keasyikan
Gusar keindahannya
Merampas rasa cinta
Pada Dia yang lebih sempuna

Bukan mudah
Bernafas dalam jiwa hamba
Dan ku cuba
Menghindarkan pesona maya
Kerna tak upaya ku hadapinya
Andai murka-Nya menghukum leka

Diatas nama cinta
Pada yang selayaknya
Kunafikan yang fana
Moga dalam hitungan
Setiap pengorbanan
Agar disuluh cahaya redha-Nya


Biar sendiri hingga hujung nyawa
Asal tak sepi dari kasih-Nya
Kerna sesungguhnya hakikat cinta
Hanya Dia yang Esa

Saratkan hati ini dengan cinta hakiki
Sehingga ku rasai
Nikmat-Nya
Syurga-Nya
Cinta-Nya

Friday

I am more than sure!

I am more than sure that i have lose weight! Weight loss?? hmm =P Anybody who intends to lose weight, don't bother to buy diet pills or attend slimming sessions in Marie france body line, just tire yourself out for example walk to and fro in the ward (tips for medical student haha), u'll be even skinnier than a stick! (exaggerating =p)

My messy mind

Finally i have the time to laze around in this imaginary & unrealistic world, surfing the global waves in the sea of identification-searching accounts.. just name it- friendster, facebook, my space and the list continues to unroll a very long parchment -sigh- Gosh! we are insiduously being digitalized!! Nevertheless, it manages to make me forget -just for a while- that examination is just a week away (WHAT??). And please excuse me if i am bestowed with amnesia or alzheimer, because i just can't remember what have i done the whole block! At least i am still a bit orientated to realize that i'm now in paediatric posting.. and a very faraway memory hints that once i have been in temerloh hospital -sigh- feel like i cannot do a simple thing as simple as obeying the command "Do CVS examination" or "describe the patient" (the patient is a Down Syndrome pt). Please don't bother when i politely ask for a simple favour, "Allow me to brood" huuu. I should be working harder, shouldn't I? Because never in history, a warrior in the cause of Allah marched to the battlefield and gain glory the easy way. The key is: Work Hard and leave everything to Allah after that. Tawakkal. And I can never tawakkal until i believe i have done my best (which of course i still haven't achieved yet huuu).

Saturday

Thursday

Easy way to make pizza!















Actually da takde kerja sangat (since everybody else is very busy visiting relatives and my siblings are also extremely busy visiting Low Yat, i decided to make pizza on the 2nd day of syawal. What a way to spend raya day =P

My eidulfitr

what does eidulfitr mean to me?

a quiet holiday?
an ending to ramadhan?

a spent my 1st day of raya doing nothing other than reading, chatting with my parents and siblings, watching tv, surfing internet, munching on raya cookies which we made ourselves, trying out new cake recipes and sleeping.. hmm when almost everybody was very busy attending open houses and visiting relatives..

pathetic huh? mcm takde sedare je huu. indeed raya is always a quiet holiday for us, but at times, 
i do feel that something is missing- merriness of a big family gathering..  especially when you feel neglected by others who were busy with their eidulfitr agendas- 
the list of houses which they have to visit, the numerous open-house which await them....  abah had to work even on the 1st day of raya.. tak bestnye nak g berjalan without him.. -sigh-

My advise: best jugak raya kat umah ni, takla penat sangat =P

Tuesday

Ketupat for tot??


Few days before raya, i weaved ketupat with yasir. obviously i made the square ketupat (ketupat nasi) while yasir made the round ketupat (ketupat pulut, and as far as i know, it is sarawak's). not forgetting totot in the eidulfitr setting, yasir even weaved a mini round ketupat for tot!! hehe and he filled it with friskies. it was very small that i just couldn't resist capturing it using my camera and post it here ehehe

Monday

My greatest thank

I was prompted to write this.. because a handsome man bought something for my mum this morning..

I was busy finishing making pineapple tart (tart gulung) when suddenly someone knocked on our door. I opened it, and there a handsome man stood silently. He greeted salam and walked in, while in his right hand, he held a black bag. 
Ummi was cooking rendang and ayam masak merah, when the man appeared in the kitchen. Curiously Ummi asked regarding the black bag. He just kept quiet,  and remained mysterious. Everything about him was mysterious enough! It was supposed to be a working day, and there he was clad in his uniform. Suddenly he called my name and presto! my mum was wearing a black fur coat haha how glamorous.

Actually ummi and abah plan to visit umar in france this december, and abah bought him a black fur coat since it is now winter time. I laughed. Really I laughed out loud; looking at how glamorous ummi was. Ummi laughed too. The man just smiled naughtily. And i feel at ease deep inside.. To anybody, they may appear as merely an old couple, but they mean everything to me. 

Thank you, abah for bringing that smile on my mum's face. Thank you for being the best leader i have ever had, thank you for protecting us all. And thank you ummi for taking good care of my abah all these while.. Thank you for respecting him, thank you for being patient with him. They may not be the most romantic couple, or the most perfect husband and wife, 
but they have taught me a lot on how to deal with life. They have gone through a lot, since the moment they made vow to be husband and wife, and open the pandora box, not having the least idea of what life has to offer.. and through tears and laughter, they manage to make it till today..how very ammazing
Thank you for making me realize that for a family to function, it needs lot of effort. I will try my best to be like you!

Saturday

Segenggam tabah

Dedikasi untuk bonda dan ayahanda tercinta.. and anybody yang rasa mcm lirik ni sesuai dgn hidupnya =)

Segenggam Tabah
Album : Tiada Lagi Kasih
Munsyid : In-Team

Bertali arus dugaan tiba
Menakung sebak airmata
Namun tak pernah pun setitis
Gugur berderai di pipi
Tidak ditempah hidup sengsara
Suratan nasib yang melanda
Menongkah badai bergelora
Diredah bersendirian
Bagaikan camar pulang senja
Patah sayapnya tetap terbang jua
Sekadar secicip rezeki
Buat yang sedang rindu menanti
Segenggam tabah dipertahankan
Buat bekalan di perjalanan
Kau bebat luka yang berdarah
Kau balut hati yang calar

Telah tertulis suratan nasibmu
Derita buatmu ada hikmahnya
Terlukis senyum di bibir lesu
Tak siapa tahu hatimu
Biarpun keruh air di hulu
Mungkinkah jernih di muara
Biarpun jenuh hidup dipalu
Pasti bertemu tenangnya

I was, am and will forever be His servant..

It feels like yesterday.. we greeted the arrival of Ramadhan.. 
It feels like yesterday.. we started to have sahur and fast
It feels like yesterday.. we felt excited of going to bazaar ramadhan
When in reality we have arrived at the third trimester of Ramadhan.. the last 10 days..
In pregnancy, this period is the excitement period, when the labour of the baby couldn't be patiently waited anymore.. Should it be the excitement period for us as well, when Eidulfitr is felt like a year away?

This time around (this ramadhan), I have never break my fast at home with my family (that is of course very sad). I have never visited bazaar ramadhan except twice when the bus from temerloh to kuantan stopped by the bazaar and pakcik driver allowed us to buy food for breaking our fast (because we break our fast on the bus each time we travel from temerloh to kuantan). I have never performed tarawih in the mosque; not even once, despite the fact performing trwh in the mosque WAS one of the hallmark of my ramadhan (in my younger days, one of the thing that we liked most was going to masjid and perform tarawih. we did 8 rakaat and while waiting for my parents to finish 23 rakaat, we just played in the mosque- that was the best part; socializing hehe). I have never gone out shopping for Raya thingies with my whole family, like we did before...

Truth is, it is a very lonely life, and I really miss the life that I had before. But we move on, and we try to adapt. Sometimes i cook with my housemates, I perform congregational tarawih with them (sometimes in the hospital surau), I spent my fasting days with the patients and their families, 
more than once i break my fast in the ward, I use night time for reading my medical text books and sometimes reciting the Quran, I have done my quick raya shopping even before ramadhan..Truly it is a very lonely life even whem I am always surrounded by people;
because I just miss my family so much, I miss listening to the Quranic recitation from the cassette by famous Imam with my sisters until we fall asleep, I miss waking up with her waiting for the lailatul qadar after we have prepared a list of things that we would like to pray for during that night hehe, I miss Ummi's cooking.... 

but 1 thing never change.. the last 10 days of ramadhan 
has always been the time for me to reorientate myself as His SERVANT.. InsyaAllah.
Jom koreksi diri dan kembali kpd fitrah manusia yg suci =)

Thursday

Penat dengar ketawa banyak

2 things that i really can't stand- giggles and loud laughs. Ok ok don't get me wrong because that doesn't mean I am a serious person, but i just get extremely irritated when i hear one. Smiles are nice, and laughs make us feel happy. 
But continuous loud laughs and excessive happiness are insults to the brain! 

To stop myself from having one needs extra effort. However, the main problem is to shield myself from being affected by others' which radiate vibrantly to me. Truthfully I am writing this because... i don't know. 
Would a heart feel calm by too much laughing? Or it just sense happiness for a split of a second???

Saturday

I need Elixir of Life

Very rarely I get to update my blog nowadays. Just like my energy that is always drained out dry from my body, so are my words and thoughts.. which escape to mercilessly leave my mind empty.. 
and my soul draughted of expressable emotions..

It is the ramadhan spirit! Spending 1 whole day in the hospital, for every single day of the week..And class on each day of my weekend, nothing is more attractive and inviting, other than my cosy cot. A place where I shoo away all the tiredness at the end of each day, 
and the very place where I fret and regret the beginning of new day, meekly fighting the sense of losing..
losing to the gigantic and muscular wave of life's troll, i always wonder how much farther can i go? again and again, when reality hit me hard in the head, 
a path that i have at one time chosen, do i really have the valor to continue on??... 

It is the place where I try to picturesque a not-so-charming future.. perhaps? And again hoping that everything would take a nice and wonderful turn.. how much longer could I wait? -sigh- Really I am too tired of waiting.. There is nothing else I need other than elixir of life to handle my fragile being, which I absolutely can get from the King of kings.. Arghh What is life all about? It is about serving Him..

Sunday

You Make Me Feel Brand New

Current song: You Make Me Feel Brand New by Simply Red (because it reminds me of my much-missed Umar), but allow me to dedicate this sound to my dearest Ummi and Abah

My love, I'll never find the words, my love
To tell you how I feel, my love
Mere words, could not, explain
Precious love, you held my life within your hands
Created everything I am
Taught me how to live again

Only you, cared when I needed a friend
Believed in me through thick and thin
This song is for you, filled with gratitude and love…

Chorus:
God bless you, you make me feel brand new
For God blessed me with you
You make me feel brand new
I sing this song cause you……make me feel brand new

My love, whenever I was insecure
You filled me up and made me sure
You gave, my pride, back to me
Precious friend, with you I'll always have a friend
You're someone who I can depend
To walk a path that sometimes bends

Without you, life has no meaning or rhyme
Like notes to a song out of time
How can I repay, you for having faith in me. . . . .

Chorus:
God bless you, you make me feel brand new
For God blessed me with you
You make me feel brand new
I sing this song for you. . . .

1 hour and 44 minutes before I ride the university bus to Temerloh. Temerloh again??! That is at least better than wasting my tears and cry my heart out within the 4 walls that bound my cubicle, 
inquiring myself how sure I am that I want to do medicine?
Ah I just don't know because even if I want to walk out, I just can't see any opening or exit. For I have just realized that this is not the kind of life that I want astaghfirullah.. I am stuck.. Ya Allah give me strength to just move on.. To contribute to the Muslim Ummah in anyway I am capable of, be it small but at least I have something to offer.. Give me strength o The Almighty, O King of kings..
I was introduced to a new concept, when Dr Emad asked, "Doing medicine, is it Fardhu Kifayah or Fardhu Ain?" The answer is Fardhu Kifayah when we haven't entered medical school, but it is Fadhu Ain once we have been admitted to medical school. We are expected to graduate, and help the Muslim Ummah. This is not even a sacrifice, it is a kewajipan. I am doing the least that I can do, and still I feel it is very burdensome. That reflects the level of my faith. My faith in this short worldly life, my faith in 
the everlasting hereafter.. my faith in what Allah has promised to those who do jihad.. How very scanty.. Astaghfirullah..

Friday

We are such a RICH nation??

I don't know about others.. but I personally feel.. mcm makan hari2 terlebih cukup..
Tp do I realize kat luar sana ramai lagi yg kebuluran??
Kalau beli nasi bungkus, rasa mcm nasi terlebih byk.. tak terdaya nak habiskan..
but do i realize ramai lg yg bagi mereka setiap butir nasi begitu bermakna?
Kalau tengok tong sampah rumah, makanan yg berlebih terbuang macam tu je..
Sedangkan ramai yg korek sampah demi untuk sesuap rezeqi
But sometimes I don't know what can I do
sebab bila beli nasi ayam, mesti amount yg org kedai bagi dah fixed
nak minta kurang pun tak boleh.. kalau tak beli langsung, tak makan pulak
kan lg bagus masak sniri je kat rumah
boleh estimate banyak mana nak masak and banyak mana nak makan
i am overtly sensitive pasal makanan terbuang nih..
sebab i do realize ramai lg yang tidak kecukupan..
ramai yg nak pastikan dapur berasap pun... susah hati dan bekerja keras banting tulang
sedangkan most of us doesn't even realize duit yg mengalir deras mcm air sungai
isu bukan lagi ada makanan atau tak..
tp tarik muka and kutuk makanan tak sedap pulak..
astaghfirullah..
i really feel sad, i do feel touched.. sebab i realize how extremely ungrateful i am with what i have
and how very seldom i say Alhamdulillah with His bounty
mana perginya sifat kehambaan ye? entahla..
kita hamba tp sombongnya kita..

sanggup tak makan nasi dgn garam je takde lauk lain? or sanggup tak mkn roti kosong je hari hari? sanggup tak tahan nafsu whenever we feel like eating something delicious and luxurious? sanggup ke? SANGGUP KE?? then will only we know kesusahan org lain

I am writing this in front of sebungkus nasi ayam boxing yg dpt waktu iftar tadi, and I do know where this nasi ayam will end.. definitely not in my stomach..(or i'll be needing gastrectomy after this!)  but in the dustbin outside my room. how very sad

God bless you

Alhamdulillah today I have presented my seminar
And today the 3rd year medic sisters have iftar jamaie.. can't wait to meet all of them!
Today I have promised myself to read on pathophysiology of kidney diseases
And I have promised myself to start working on my case write-up..
Baca quran bila pulak..??!
Today I really miss abah and ummi
But I manage to pray for them only
Today I have decided to be a better person..
although I don't know how or until when can I remain
Today I slept a lot
And my head feels like bursting
Today I learn that to choose medicine means to choose a very hectic life
But a khaleefah is destined to have a hectic life, isn't it?
And today I learn that if I can't withstand the tension, I should just change my profession
And today I learn that even if I want to quit, there is just no way out
So I am left with no other option except to happily accept with what I am given
And I am looking towards a brighter and happier tomorrow
What would that be?? Rahsia..!! =)
Sometimes I feel like I am standing on a boat. the boat is getting me somewhere.. but I am standing among those who whine, and among those who gripe and moan.. And I do just the same
I am cranky and I am standing among the those who are grouchy.. So it just makes sense. But whenever we are together, we still make something wonderful out of this, and we actually enjoy each other's company! That's weird, but true huu
To someone who spices up my dull life.. thank you!
The ex-assistnt prog manager of ihya Ramadhan, i don't know whether you are still involved in it this time around.. tp you made a good assistnt PM, i was so proud of you. I still remember the heart-insulting discussion for achieving the hard-to-make decision of whether to accept or not to accept the post.. due to some irrational and unthinkable brain-damaging low self confident thus making a fatal claim that you don't deserve to hold that post.. aha that is soooo YOU! =P
Just one thing- ISLAM IS FOR EVERYBODY my dear =)
May Allah bless you!

Thursday

I can't explain the guilt

I can't explain the guilt..when I look at the stat counter. I just can't explain the guilt when I realize that this blog has been visited. I just can't explain it huu

To anybody who is reading this blog.. please, Please and PLEASE don't waste your time here huu. I'm not writing anything beneficial anyway. I am rumbling aimlessly here, probably trying to sort out my hectic life, or smothen my jumbled-up experience, or soothen my roller coaster emotion.. I need some space to be my own self huu. Suddenly I regret announcing the address in my friendster.. and if you don't mind just forget about its existence k.. coz whenever you read this.. I just can't explain the guilt..

Tuesday

It's the second day

Alhamdulillah today is the second day of Ramadhan. I just can't explain my feeling, neither would i bother to explain nor share..

But one thing that I do realize- I become a bit more 'hardworking', I'm dead sure it is because I am now free from syaitan's influence huu.

Ramadhan makes me realize, how far I am from Him, Ramadhan makes me aware, how weak my iman is, Ramadhan makes me miss, the old days when I was strongly attached to the Quran, Ramadhan makes me cry, for the sin that I have committed, Ramadhan makes me feel, that worldly life is just for a short while, Ramadhan brings to me with it- regret, hope and serenity.. How I hope I will be able to finish this Ramadhan, and graduated from it 
with taqwa and istiqamah.. Till I meet the next Ramadhan insyaAllah..............

Monday

My sisters =)


we used to be the three princesses
who fighted to marry the sole prince (omar =P)
we used to be the three daughters
who were forced to wear same baju kurung during raya
we used to be the three kampung girl
who played mak2, and built our own 'house'
we bathe in the hot noon sun till it set in the west
and kept forgetting to return before maghrib
forcing abah to lock us out of the house
though kakak was then a bit too aggressive
famous with her 'pinch-to-bleed' technique
I was a clean-freak,
who shrieked at the tiniest bit of thing strewn on the floor
And asma was definitely a slow-pow
Who took longer than a snail to complete a task
We spent many a times
Dreaming to live in a wonderland,
While our eyes are glued to the Disney cartoon movie
And our voices sang to the tune of Disney songs
And we danced to the steps that we created
then we moved on to a different phase
when beauty and appearance were of topmost important
it was i'm sure a brain damaging experience for ummi
when us trio raided the super market shelves for whitening cream
Or emphasized the importance of using facial cleanser 
Acne cream was next to join in the shopping trolley
Immediately before handbags and high heels were jotted in the shopping list
The crazy phase remained for just a short while
Though the handbag & shoe craziness persist
By then we started to glance into the future,
All the while encouraged by abah and ummi
Though I knew they intended to make us realize
How important education and career is
We stubbornly were more interested
In finding rich and handsome princes
To take our hands and lead us into a fairytale life
To change three fairytale princesses into three mature muslimah
Is definitely not an easy task

But through thick and thin of life
We learned that the journey is not as easy as it may seem
And for a rose to bloom gracefully
It first has to adjust to live and endure the thorns
Then one by one
We graduated from schooling years,
All the while feeling relieved adulthood greets welcome
University was not a choice but a must
Forcing us to choose different paths 
We started to be far apart
Forcing me to miss your laugh and smiles
Your stupid jokes and stories
Or just your presence by my side
And make me feel complete again
InsyaAllah in the near future
One by one we will start to have our own families
I do feel weird..
And I do feel scared
but it is just the nature of life
which i have to accept..
But whenever we are together again
I still tow my pillow and blanket to your room
I am still available for the midnight nasyeed concert
We are still the three princesses, and we are three mature muslimah insyaAllah =)

I REALLY LOVE YOU GUYS



Saturday

Best ke bertunang?

I have to complete my slides for my Hypothyroidism seminar this tuesday, but my mind just won't stop wandering.. Macamana agaknya orang bertunang rasa eh? My sister is engaged, and she is excited head to heel over it. I mean she keeps saying "Tunang saya..." until her friend feels nauseated huhuu. Some people date their boyfriend, of course that is against syariah. Some people doesn't date their boyfriend, but after engagement, they go on dating... Hmm that is slightly better but still against the syariah. Some people don't date their boyfriend and don't even date their fiance, but they hang on the phone all night.. that is mmm slightly better although it involves gray area (syubhah).. Some people don't date their boyfriend or fiance, don't even call but they SMS each other.. ???? Ada yg tak contact langsung till kahwin?

Some people are engaged for few months and they get married. Some people are engaged for 1 year and 
they get married. Some people are engaged for few years and then get married Whoaa. 
And some people are engaged and then they break the engagement.. 

What do all these people feel? Best ke ada couple, or best lagi bertunang, or best lagi takde couple, suddenly terjumpa Mr Right and terus kahwin? Hmm I don't know...

Islamic advice: Jangan ber'couple' lama-lama, nanti bertambah dosa. Hmm jaga jaga and jaga maruah diri, though of course everybody knows it is hard

From a mad'u (one who is preached) to a dai'e (preacher)

Do not try to understand..
For I do not wish to open up
Do not try to explain..
As I have closed my ears shut
Do not try to mould..
me into something that I am not
Do not make me do..
Anything that I really dislike
I hate your instruction,
I despise your forcefulness
Do you realize your sharp words
Would slice my heart
I want your guidance, and I want your care
I want to be clearly shown the right way
And yet it is hard to endure
The threats and anger that you pour
I want to be advised in a loving manner
And I want to walk by your side
To follow in your footsteps, hoping I won't err
I try to accept you just the way you are
And let me be the true me

Friday

Trying to readjust

Today, I was left confused.. and sad. When a man told me I am not trying to build family ukhwah..

Ever since I could retain something in my mind, a very vague memory that has decided to stay in me.. I remember my abah as a very busy man. He had to work even on Hari Raya and for countless times (though I have only experienced 22 eidulfitr in my 22 years of life), we celebrated raya in our own sweet home. Stucked in a sleeping residency during raya time, surrounded by quietness and loneliness, we learnt to be independent. 
Ummi and my siblings grew to be closer to each other, appreciating every moment shared among us.. 
And we learnt not to fret though at that small age, I felt sad when all the kids at school and at 
home eagerly waited for the moment to 'balik kampung'..

But with time, one learns to adjust.. Adjust to the surrounding, adjust to the condition. And learn to be satisfied. I guess I started not to mind.. and the loneliness and quietness during eidulfitr were then interpreted as relaxation and serenity. I enjoyed the quiet celebration, and tried to avoid merriness. 
Instead of eagerly asking Ummi "Bila nak balik kampung?", we really tried to skip family occassions. 
We would find reasons to escape kenduri, we produce all kind of explanation just not to go balik kampung..
"Important football match" (commonly used by my brother), "Klu abang tak g yasir pun tanak g sebab takde kawan" (commonly used by my another brother), "Headache" (commonly used by my sister, "Got to study. Exam is just around the corner" (commonly used by me hehe) and many more....

Deep down I realize this is not good but deep down I know that I enjoy it. And yet to justify things, we blame it on the way we were brought up.. I extremely love my parents and siblings, but in the same time, I don't really care towards my own relatives, my kilt and kin.. I mean I care about them as muslims, as human beings, but do I care about them the way I care about my immediate family members???.....And I can't even convince myself, will they be there for me on my Wedding Day, 
will they feel happy on my graduation day, will they celebrate my first born. will they stay by my side when I'm in deep trouble?? I can't even convince myself.. Yes i think the right word is 'care' astaghfirullah..

Truth is I am trying to sort this thing out, I am trying to change, I'm learning to be different, I really want to create a new family tradition, but give me time, and give me opportunity. Really I am trying to readjust..=) Why do I boither to do all this? For the sole reason- I am a MUSLIMAH!

We do feel proud!


Wednesday

The clicking sound

It was embarrassing- the clicking sound with each advancing steps, It was lowering my self esteem- the clattering sound accompanying my gait.. It was the sound of pebbles in the heels of my formal shoes. Judging from the situation, no doubt it was an old pair of shoes.. I bought it myself a long time ago, at a mega sale held in The Store in Kuantan, way back when I was in my preclinical years. I can’t even remember when. If only the sound were aborted, then no one would have guessed its old age.. And yet the sound gave away the secret.

It was quite cheap, obviously not a branded one. The heels were empty and that explains the clicking sound. When the sole was worn off, all the pebbles were free to enter and made the heels their own personal residency..-sigh- And for countless of time , they proceeded to the feet area; urging me to shake the shoes upside them just to vacate them and spare the pain of walking in a shoes full of pebbles!

For the umpteenth time, I was thinking of buying a new pair. In my own conscience and judgement, I really deserve it. In my own conscience…

That was before I was assigned a heart-inspiring patient- a sweet boy of 9 who had Acute glomerulonephritis- some kind of kidney disease. The 11th child out of 13 siblings, a member out of 16 households living in a 3-bedroom village house, the son of a rubber tapper single mother (the dad walked out on them), a year 3 student who only get RM1 pocket money, an active child who always insist in helping her mother to tap rubber, an active boy whose daily meal was not guaranteed, my eyes, heart and mind were opened and exposed to a new, wonderful, and yet pitiful world..

I spent quite ample time with them, to listen to their social and family problem, to lend my ears when they need someone to understand, to offer my advices and assurance when they seek for support, or to just be there for them and let them know in this whole wide world, there are always people who care. And I learn to be humble, I learn to be far more grateful with whatever that I have, I learn to appreciate my family and friends more, and most importantly I learn to be a good servant of God and realize there was nothing more important than Him.. They are indeed my teachers! My patients are.....

Recently, I realize that I have grown to be a part of the healthcare system, I have started to adjust with a path and life that I have at one time chosen, I become fond of the patients that I have to take care of and I subconsciously learn to love those who come for help and hope in the hospital.. I guess I am on the right track after all; although at times I can’t figure out why did I choose Medicine and that I may have made a major mistake. May Allah help me to go through the thick and thin in Medicine.. Ameen

Sunday

A tribute to dearest Kakak


Kak, tomorrow will be your convocation day, and I won't be around to share the joy. I can't even fulfill your request to be presented with a bouquet of roses.. I have to be in the ward tomorrow and it is just not possible for me to be elsewhere.. Each of us has chosen the path in life in  which we should bravely traverse.. Though sometimes I just feel too tired to continue and move on.. 
but you have been a great help in igniting my motivation. Offering words of wisdom, all the while helping me to realize where do I stand. Your achievement today symbolizes that you have really tried.. And I truly believe that you can reach a higher goal!
You have proven that success comes with determination, and of course with Allah's Mercy & Guidance.. Congratulation! I am more than sure that Abah and Ummi are SO PROUD of you.. 
and so am I. All of us are, indeed!
Get your Masters & PhD A.S.A.P!!!!

'Draughted' of words

Suddenly I find myself wordless.. Exhaustion? Anxiety? Regret? Despair? Confusion? Irritated? Hopeless? ........ Ramadhan, Ramadhan Do come this way and bring me a surge of ruuhul jadid!

Saturday

Islamic medication?

I clearly remember a case in the Hospital, when a girl presented with rash that looked like allergic rash- urticaria. And there was a different type of rash on both of her legs- erythema multiforme. We tried very extensively to find the allergen (the cause of the rash) or in other words, "What was she allergic to?" Unfortunately we failed, but her mother mentioned something about their neighbour who also had prolonged rash, and probably it was due to the water or something..
But of course we did try to rule out bacterial infecion, because when I looked at the rash on the leg, it resembled something called 'bull-eye rash' which can be found in patient with Lyme disease- a disease caused by bacterial infection. And her blood investigation actually pointed in the direction of bacterial infection.

To cut everything short, she was put on medication via infusion. The next day, one of my classmate presented her case to our Dr-lecturer. Well, it was kind of a sensational mystery as to what did the child actually had. Whenever we have mysterious case in the ward, we'll 
present it to our lecturer, in the hope of getting a second opinion with regard to the diagnosis.

Shockingly, when we went to the patient's bed, the curtain was drawn around her and her mother was sitting outside the cubicle, crying. We were curiosed! But the drawn curtain indicated nothing more than a blood-taking procedure was being done. After the procedure has ended, we went to the patient, eagerly waiting for our lecturert o examine the patient and give us his opinion. This time around, I was shocked to see that the rash has all flared up and her legs looked like swollen red bats. She cried continuously because initialy the rash being itchy, has taken a monstrous turn into being extremely painful. Our lecturer suspected bacterial infection. By then, antibiotic has been given through infusion. She couldn't be examined actually because she was crying in pain. Now instead of being just 'mysterious', she was the 'hot topic' in the ward.

In the evening, approximately 2 hours after our class as ended, I again visited the patient, just to say hi. By that time I was in a good and friendly term with the mum. Suddenly, the mum whispered to me "This rash is automatic". I was confused and ask "What do you mean by automatic?" She said that just few hours before, the rash was very painful to touch, and now the rash has almost gone, and it was not painful anymore. I examined her, and yes true to her words, the rash has cleared up a bit.. and YES she was not in pain! I was dumbfounded, trying to find some explanation to the situation, when suddenly she whispered again "Tadi waktu melawat, ada org kampung datang baca-baca ayat sket (Jampi)" I just nodded, not knowing how to reply. I mean it was not that weird, she has taken antibiotic for 3 doses if i am not mistaken, most probably the bacteria has started to show some degree of defeat"

A colleague who was actually handling the case, came to my rescue when he took over the conversation with the mum. I stepped back and went to check on my Asthma patient who was not at all mysterious but pitiful. So aforementioned the girl being the talk-of-the-ward hot topic, we discussed over her case in the classroom, and the gossip was spiced up and ignited again when the mum decided to refuse treatment, and wanted her daughter to be discharged at own risk- It merely means she wanted to bring her daughter out of the hospital at her own risk, and should anything happens afterward, the hospital won't be responsible.. The plan? To bring her daughter to a skillful bomoh.

I felt worried becuase if true her condition was due to bacterial infection, then she really needed the antibiotic. After persuasion and avice from the doctors, the family insisted, and the next day, I tried to find them but they were gone..

The real issue was, was there any better way for the doctors to deal with this matter? I mean we discussed and discussed of how should we talk and explain to the mum.. and yet we failed to convince them. As muslims we do believe in the supernatural, in the unseen.. It is one of the pillars of Iman- to have faith in perkara ghaib. But to believe in jampi with no known evidence that the jampi was not affecting our AQIDAH?? And what is 
wrong in using both the Islamic and conventional way of treating an illness? The conventional 
way is also the Islamic way, if only we start with Bismillah, believe that Allah cures everything 
and leave everything to Him after we have tried our best! 

To conclude, we failed with the patient, this time around... We failed to be a good daie to the family, may Allah grant us His mercy and forgiveness...

Tuesday

Cleanse and purify

I just take some time to scribble down something here. Just came back from temerloh, now in Kuantan, it is a no wonder that i aspire to be sleeping beauty and jump out of consciousness for a satisfying period of time.. but truth is, I am UP! As if to be up early can be counted as the eigth wonder of the world  -sigh- It is not even the wonder of my own world.. But let me tell something "I am sleepy". Again, I am sleepy. Ok that's it- I am sleepy. Full Stop.

Ramadhan is coming.. Ramadhan is coming!!!. I feel quite anxious and excited simultaneously. Anxious when I wonder whether I can make full use of the much-awaited month, or whether I can really experience the beauty of the month, or whether I will manage to improve and return to the fitrah of man which is purity.. And I do feel excited to have a starting point during which I have to start forcing and training myself to work hard to become a better muslimah =)

Ramadhan is the reason for everybody to improve his/her relationship with Allah almighty. Ramadhan is the starting point.. I want to try grabbing each seconds that ticks away in the month of Ramadhan, and so should each of us.. Happy Ramadhan and enjoy it to the fullest! :)

Monday

Anti climax =(

I was excited to find out what awaited me in the ward today.. and I was extremely- you can say- upset when i got a patient with AEBA- Acute Exacerbated Bronchial Asthma. Ok, if you still feel the name is quite unique and too medical, it is simply a case of asthma or lelah. Huu. I am doing everything I can to appreciate this, it is a very common thing, 
as common as flu, and you won't feel excited to deal with one -sigh-
When I mentioned bout the case to afriend who was assigned the same case. he couldn't hide his disappointment (though I don't know whether he tried to hide it hor he purposely showed it to me), and well I couldn't help but to follow in his footstep, celebrating the regret hahaha

But matters twisted in a more exciting turn, favoring me today -Alhamdulillah- when I was given the chance to clerk a case of prolonged jaundice (demam kuning tak baik-baik) in an infant who is 45 day old. Though I have to meekly admit that we ended in a blind alley, trying to 
find our way out of the maze of confusion of what kind of disease did the baby actually have.. we did have few guesses.. 
And when in the evening we presented the case to Dr Wong (a paediatrician), we learnt that the condition might be a life threatening condition. While Dr Wong took the responsibility of breaking the bad news to the poor anxious mum, 
I wonder how would I handle such delicate matter, If I were to be in the mum's shoes...

But Allah has placed our heart at ease when He guaanteed that He won't burden a heart except with what the heart is able to endure. And we should continue to pray that we will be able to withstand any test bestowed on us.. And the test will raise the level of our faith.. May our hearts remain calm only in the remembrance of Allah ameen.
La Yukallifullahu nafsan illa wus'aha..

Lingering around.....................

Background nasyeed: Now I do by Waheeda

Now is 7:27a.m and I should either be in the toilet taking my morning bath or I should be outside, ready to go to the hospital. But fact is fact, I am still here lazing around with Lavender-chan since after Subh. Whoa.. get moving sister!!

We were informed that TODAY we have to share per patient among 4 students!! And I don't have class today, so I guess there's no harm in being a 'bit' late huh? Memang takde kerja je kat hospital. If I were to disturb others' patients, it won't be appropriate and nice will it? So using the sole reason of completing my slides for my seminar this friday, i think i am unguiltily taking extra time hanging around huu

My seminar will insyaAllah be on Hypothyroidism. Huu such a wide field which I have to cover. But no worry, I still have time insyaAllah provided that i won't brood the whole day and refuse to force my muscles to sweat out. Let me see. let me see. 

Should take my breakfast now, and off to HoSHAS!!

Thursday

3 days that were psychologically perceived as 3 whole years!

It has been only 3 days- 3 whole days and yet i feel like i haven't touched my laptop for 3 years! What an exaggerated response. 
Just to document it here- I went to sunnathon on friday and saturday. Should you wonder what is sunnathon, 
it was a programme organized by PPIM (Persatuan Perubatan Islam Malaysia) 
consisting of free medical check up and mass circumcision. 
Alhamdulillah I managed to circumcise a boy and assisting few others. Alhamdulillah. And the presence of a long-time-no-see friend made everything even more worthwhile..=) However we used the Smart clamp- a robotish gadget which made our work much easier. We didn't need to sew up everything after cutting off the skin, we just let it healed by itself. 
But all in all I wasn't very satisfied with the prog.. ahh yes a man's plan is never perfect.. a far cry from Allah's plan which is always free from error. So no hard feelings on that matter =)

On thursday evening I took a bus from temerloh to Kuantan. On friday afternoon I took a bus from kuantan to kelantan, arriving there at night. On saturday night I took a bus from kelantan to kuantan, arriving during subh. an at 1oam this morning i took a bus from kuantan temerloh.. what a hectic weekend!

When I am connected to the borderless world again, i saw the Umar's pic haha who looks as if he is metamorphosising every single day! He resembles abah even closer with time..anak abah la katakan..

Another day of wardwork tomorrow, overwhelmed by curiosity, wondering who will be my patient....who says medical student doesn't has a life? This is my life...=)

Tuesday

Just leave me alone please

There are times when I just want to run,
Escape and away from everything that tries to tie me tight
to not be even a small part of this tiring world
Break free into a life that makes me feel satisfied
And there are times when I just want to be alone
Making myself the captain of my very own yacht
It was not a chartered journey
But even when I sail and trail with the wind
The contentment of being just with my own self
Is so wonderful an experience to be owned
But when I think I am a part of a piece of glass
That tries to chip off in the light of selfishness
I only manage to sigh and sigh
For my quest for freedom and lonesome
is too expensive for one to afford..

me me n me on 13th August 2008

Sunday

I always end up here!

It is now 1:32 am. Having just woken up from my obligatory beauty sleep almost 1 and a half hour ago.. by right, by the law of Allah for nature (sunnatullah), I SHOULD BE STUDYING RIGHT NOW! and yet I end up turning to deaf ear (which is of course my poor blog) and ramble some more. 2 rakaat of tahajjud prayer would be far more beneficial of course, and YET i am STILL HERE -sigh-

Trying my best to make my brain figure out what should best be done or how should I go about, should a a patient presents with cough or shortness of breath. My lacrimal gland almost secrete excessive tears in response to the matter of cough and shortness of breath given that I have been thinking unfruitfully over this issue for approximately 1 week! -sigh sigh- Well of course i can think randomly, but it just won't fit in my personality and YUP I AM TRYING to create a template and a flow chart here hahaha. not again!! -groan-

I have started to think that the main prob here lies within my hypoactive brain. Malasnyee nak fikir. I am one of the Malays. It sounds like 'malas'. In the medical dictionary, one can find the word 'malaise'. It is pronounced as ma-leys which again sounds like malays and eventually evolves into malas haha. Malaise is defined as a feeling of general discomfort, a bit like lethargy or fatigue. I think the word 'Malays" is jinxed!! -GASP-

Saturday

I'll try

Something is hacking my brain! I read on dyspnea and cough for 1 week, from the very book that I have borrowed from JHC library and yet I still can't comprehend what I have been reading!!!! Ape ni? melalut tak habis2.

By the way, my case presentation was a very bad 1, that i was very sure it was very toxic to Prof Aye Aye.. poor her who had to endure the fatal toxicity; similar to an infant's brain when afflicted with kernicterus.. poor her. 
And to note that I just grinned stupidly at her, pretending I don't understand anything, making 
sympathic and innocent face at her.. she must had been boiling inside, impatiently waited for the presentation to end! sorry Prof Aye Aye hehe.

I'll try to improve next time. I'll try to be better.. really I'll try!

O&G

A seminar which was very informative, eventhough I just have to admit that the long presentation group by group was really... nauseating (gosh, such harsh word!!). Thanks to Prof Arif who was very motivating. I shouldn't say we kind of created an utopian dream, because we belive it wasn't. To create hospitals and produce health workers who practise Islamic teachings.. it is not impossible at all. But of course we have to islamize and islamicize ourself first, given we were born muslims!

Should a muslim b allowed to do O&G?? I don't think so! Let the muslimat deal with it. I wouldn't want to be examined or have my baby in the future delivered by a male doctor! And yet the bros felt that it was not fair to discourage them from doing O&G!! Sometimes I feel we are so dissolved in the system that we have now, that we feel it is normal for a male to be an O&G specialist.. It is their right to choose, it is inborn...?? I wonder, does it really work that way? Common bro, choose something else, 
and make way for the sisters to do O&G! Hey, we are muslims! And yet we kind of lost our identity. The male deals with male, the female deals with female. If it is dharuriyyah, yes then a male doctor may deal with a female patient.. but if a male doctor primarily chooses to specialize in O&G, attends the 4-year course and all the while having full knowledge and awareness of what they are going to deal with in the years to come, once they have graduated......DO WE STILL CALL THAT DHARURIYYAH?????? Ok ok I am getting emotional here.. because I just hate a male doing O&G! As simple and as clear as that!

Or maybe I should be a male specialist instead? hahaha what is happening in this world? everything is in topsy turvy, every single thing is going upside down!

Thursday

What a hard life.... at least for me

Today is thursday, and today i should b going back to kuantan. I decided to go back by the university bus, at least i don't have to pay for it. But in the end only me n a friend wanted the bus, as eveybody has decided to drive back to kuantan..

Hmm i feel kinda.... sad i guess. well the trip to kuantan by car is not a cheap one. Maybe if i calculate RM10 per trip, i have to rake out RM20 per week for return trip. And for 1 month I have to spend Rm80 for the journeys. I haven't even calculated the daily trip to the hospital..which again i have to pay for the fuel. And we do car pooling. Sigh- what an expensive life..

Ummi said I have to follow the crowd.. I can't have the university bus when there are only 2 people who are going to ride it, huh? I have just started to train myself to be -well you know- sort of a humble person, who can endure hardships in life.. and yet here I am whining again and again..
What a hard life.. at least for me...

I was very firm when I said I could be strong staying here in Temerloh. I was quite firm when I said I could sail through clinical years humbly. I was at least a bit firm when I said I could be independent.. and yet here I am whining again and again, fretting over the tiniest obstacle that i have to overcome... what a hard life.. at least for me..

No worries, I'll try my best to go through it using my own ways.. Laa tahinu wa laa tahzanu.. inallaha ma'ana!

Tuesday

Few notes on my life in temerloh

I tried very hard to find time to write something here.. well you know just to document my days.. Whoa and i find paediatric posting in Hoshas (Temerloh Hospital) is not as relaxing as told by the seniors.. definitely not a honeymoon period for me, but it sure is as exciting and as happy as a student can be. Living with friends in a house (please note, a very rare experience indeed living in a house with friends!!!) is fun! Yup the word is fun! I share a room with mimi, and it seems like in the old days when we were roommates dated back in matriculation years! Solat jamaah, discuss cases, sharing foods.. huu i feel like having this life forever..

Of course I do miss usrah, my AB in kuantan, the hectic Islamic activities..

But of course posting is quite tiring. I had to spend like nearly hour just to listen to the heart & breath sound of a patient! Well I am dealing with kids here -_-...!! To build a rapport with them is not an easy task at all.. although i do find few kids who are very friendly and cooperative.

And tonight will be my first on-call day! Got to catch some sleep before I collapse in the ward tonight huhuu.. I am sure there is a drum team making a performance in my head.. because my head is banging hard

Sunday

Bila waktu telah terhenti...

Bila Waktu Tlah Berakhir
Album : Istighfar
Munsyid : Opick

Bagaimana kau merasa bangga
akan dunia yang sementara
bagai manakah bila semua
hilang dan mati meninggalkan diri mu
bagimanakah bila saat nya
waktu terhenti tak kau sadari
masihkah ada jalan bagi mu untuk kembali
mengulang ke masa lalu
dunia....dipenuhi dengan hiasan
semua..dan segala yang ada
akan kembali pada nya
bila waktu telah memanggil
teman sejati hanyalah amal
bila waktu telah terhenti
teman sejati tinggallah sepi...

Astaghfirullah...

Saturday

Entry ni khas untuk omar =)





Omar, i just want to show u few changes that have taken place in our home sweet home =)
Some are kinda funny, tp jgn mare hehe

Ada 2 scenes
The first scene is in your room.. org amik gambar kat 1 corner.. just guess what is missing =P
Tp terpaksa rahsiakan kat mana brg2 mu dah g haha. And I can't show the whole room.. nanti mu terkejut with the transformation haha.

Second scene is in yasir's room. Ada innovation canggih giler. Well you know the kotak projects.. cume kali ni ada advancement.. + polystirene.. tp komputer tu tak agak la dia amik dr mana..

Friday

La ba'sa thohuurun insyaAllah

Sore throat. Pharyngitis? Productive cough with greenish sputum. Bacterial infection? I haven't even started my temerloh paediatric posting and the pathogens have officially declared war against me!! I could sense a fever coming soon..

What did Rasulullah say when he visited the ill? "Syafakillah. La ba'sa thohuurun insyaAllah" which means "May Allah heals you. Never mind, it purifies you insyaAllah". I should say that to myself. It will insyaAllah purifies me in terms of my sins, my heart, my intention..

I should say ALHAMDULILLAH!

Thursday

Serabutnya..

I wanted to go home very badly, before I go to temerloh for my paediatric posting
Tp i really don't have time
Initially I thought our class ends at 10am on friday
So I went to terminal bas makmur and bought plusliner ticket to kl at 11am. I had to pay RM17. Habis duit..
Then I was informed that we have class at 11. I decided to skip the class.
I wanted Abah to send me to temerloh on sunday, but most unortunately he is scheduled to fly
Ummi told me to buy ticket from shah alam to kuantan on sunday morning. And when I arrive in Kuantan, I have to go to temerloh tumpang kereta kawan- another 2 hours lg perjalanan.. penatnya
I bought it and I paid RM20. Keluar duit lagi..
Suddenly there was an announcement in the class..We have surgery posting at 3pm on friday!
Most probably it would end at 5pm...
Ticket bas semua dah habis..
I had almost given up the idea of going back..which made me cry again. Sedihnyaa
I went to terminal bas makmur again to sell my ticket. I got half of the original price.. huu dahlah ticket mahal, dpt pulak duit burn camtu.. sedih jugak. tp inilah challenges that i have to face..konon2 tabah la tu nak jd medic student. if dah kerja lg la tak tahu mcmne.. agaknye dpt jumpa husband and anak2 seminggu sekali kot -sigh-
Suddenly abah call, suh balik jugak coz i have to sign few legal documents..
terpaksa cari flight ticket and buli kakak to fetch me at the airport..
or i have to buy bus ticket kul 1 pagi..
and i prefer the latter because it is cheaper
but a friend scared me by saying ada perompak etc
And abah will insyaAllah send me to temerloh on sunday as his flight will insyaAllah arrives at 4pm!
ALHAMDULILLAH hooray

Wednesday

so what?

It's 11:23. I have just met my adik2 halaqah and you can imagine them telling me about their stress which has grown as big as anything pheww. 1st year medic students.. anatomy byk giler. biochem macam ntahape2 etc. they were so unlike me when i was in 1st year. kenape eh? because i cared about going home more than anything. i think up to a point i didn't even bother about my academic huu. i was just very different from them.. homesickness, such big deal huhuu

to lay my eyes on those eager faces..did it give me a sense of caring and guiding? to guide them with love.. to show them a path that is less taken.. to give them everything i am capable of giving. i don't know.. 
they are my mad'u and i am trusted with them. can I really do this? i can't even solve my own probs. so what? i should just give my best shot and leave the rest to Allah!............

I just don't know..I just don't know..

Ikhlas. IkHLaS. IKHLAS. How sincere and how true can our intention be? How pure our heart can be? Sejauh mana keikhlasan yang mampu kita kecapi??

When I think of this, i feel afraid. Really afraid. I can't imagine what if on my meeting day with HIM (ALLAH), I bring along the amal that I have done in this world, only to have the amal thrown back at me in a disgusted manner.. because everything was not done with sincerity. Na'udzubillahi min dzaalik..!! Subhanallah wa astaghfirullah really I don't know, 
do I do thing without the beautiful and wondeful value of ikhlas??....

Riya'. Show off. Do I do things with riya'?? I just don't know.. Do I do thing with the intention of showing off to people? Na'udzubillahi min dzaalik..!!!! I just don't know.. I just don't know and I feel afraid. Really afraid.. I just don't know.........

Mujahadatunnafs

Today I feel extremely lazy to attend class.. but I HAVE to attend
Today I really want to go home.. but I CAN"T because I have leadership programme this weekend
Today I feel like doing nothing.. what a WASTE
Now is 7:29a.m and yet I don't feel like moving... oh COME ON
Right now I want Ummi.. do GROW UP!!
What a helpless sissy..


Tuesday

Saat kau dan aku dipertemukan di persimpangan itu...

Di fikiran masih terbayang senyuman manis di wajahmu, dalam dada masih terasa saat indah sebentar tadi bersamamu, tika berseorangan aku tetap merindu dan menantikan lagi pertemuan, dan doa yang ku panjatkan mengungkapkan harapan agar cinta ini bertakhta selamanya dalam diri..

Memang bila bertemu tidak pernah jemu, bila berpisah aku semakin merindu..

Usrah singkat siang tadi begitu terkesan di hati. Kelelahan mencari ilmu seakan deras dibawa pergi saat menatap wajah wajah tenang akhawat.. Adik beradikku yang sekian lama menapak bersamaku, 
mengharungi ketajaman bilahan ujian yang menghiris iman, dan berada disisiku ketika perasaan gusar dan sedih menguasai emosi meruntun rasa, mahupun dalam waktu aku memerlukan teman untuk berkongsi suka dan tawa, inilah sahabat sahabat yang tidak pernah menyesali kekurangan diri ini, atau mencemburui kelebihan yang dianugerahkan. 

Teringat aku pertama kali kita dipertemukan. Di jalan itu.. Jalan Dakwah. Ketika kita masih terlalu asing dan bimbang dengan dunia ini, ketika kita masih kekok untuk saling berbicara, ketika tembok malu masih utuh memagari diri, ketika fitrah penuntut ilmu yang bermusafir, meninggalkan keluarga masih menghantui, ketika kesibukan dunia melemaskan dan ketika keindahan kehidupan remaja yang fatamorgana terus melalaikan....
Ketika aku pertama kali dicaturkan untuk bertemu dengan mu di persimpangan itu..
Masakan dengan cinta yang berlimpahan dari mu, aku masih mampu untuk melarikan diriku. Masakan dengan keramahan yang kau pamerkan, aku masih keras menjauhimu. Masakan dengan kesabaran yang engkau promosikan, aku masih takut untuk mendekatimu..

Dan dalam sela waktu yang bukan sebentar, aku belajar untuk mengasihimu. Menghargai dirimu. Mempercayaimu. 
Dan perasankah wahai sahabat bahawa
benih yang dulu kita semai bersama, kita bajai dan kita sirami bersulamkan isitqamah.. kini telahpun tumbuh menjadi pohonan yang buah 
manisnya mampu aku kecapi. Kita semakin sibuk dengan taklifan sendiri, namun hakikatnya kita masih berjalan seiringan, masih memimpin tangan dan aku tak mungkin lupakan saat kita dipertemukan di persimpangan itu...

Hatiku menyimpan harapan agar usrah yang kita bina semenjak dulu, akan kita kekalkan sehinggalah kau dan aku akan berangkat dari persinggahan sementara ini. Sungguh aku memerlukan 
kekuatanmu untuk aku tega di jalan juang ini. Syukran ya akhawati... :)

Dedikasi khas untuk Mummy Sab, K.Yaya, a.a, K. Thiqah, Ayu, Husna, Matun, Che Na, Humm, Fizah. Uhibbukunna fillah!!!


Sunday

Today is 27th July 2008!!!!

Today is 27th July 2008! What is so important about it? Nothing, but today my blog turns 1 month haha =)

Let me share something

At last, after a hard work of scrubbing my white coats, i feel tempted to jot something here. 
I wrote down my name on the white coats using a permanent red marker, 
and yet the ink smeared other parts of the coats when i washed them. Obviously I don't want 
to be recognized as doctor in pinkish white coat, so i had to scrub it off.. What a thing to do after years of retirement from washing clothes!!

This morning i attended a short course on communication skill for da'ie (preachers). The talk was gien by Pn Ainon, a millionaire in Malaysia. She is a millionaire and yet she is very humble. A friend who had been to her house told me that.. her house is empty except for few necessary and basic things such as washing machine etc. Pn Ainon told me she never close the door of her house, let alone to lock it anytime, whether she is home or not. Anybody can go in and out of the house anytime!!!

Well she lives in janda baik, near an orang asli village. And she carries out numerous projects for orang asli..that is her contribution. She gave us tips on communication skills which I am going to share (of course it is not the same as getting them first hand)

Kejelitaan ada 2- fizikal & sosial. Develop your kejelitaan sosial! How?? These are the ways:
1. Keturunan yg baik
2. Akhlak yang mulia
3. Bina kejayaan
4. Pelajaran tinggi
5. Berkawan dgn orang2 yang baik
6. Banyakkan faktor yang serupa dengan mad'u. e.g if mad'u berpakaian buruk because of their living status, don't come to them wearing shirts and ties!

How to make people listen to us?
1. Ringan tulang
2. Ringan mulut memuji peribadi dan karakter orang lain
3. Mudah bersetuju dgn pendapat orang lain
4. Pause- jangan terusan tegur orang bila mereka buat salah sebaliknya cari masa dan waktu yg seusai. Mungkin masa itu tiba 5 tahun akan dtg, 10 thn akan dtg etc..
5. Ultraism- tolong orang lain dengan menyusahkan diri sendiri e.g Rasulullah berdakwah dalam keadaan dia sendiri berasa susah
6. Tolong diri sendiri dulu. Manusia cenderung utk tolong orang yg menolong diri sendiri. e.g a teacher loves to help a student yang rajin, dan malas untuk ambil kisah student yang malas
7. Menentang fitrah- Org yg menentang fitrah dianggap mulia. E.g fitrah manusia suka harta kekayaan. Sesiapa yg kuat untuk menolak harta adalah orang yang mulia. Atau manusia suka akan kebersihan dan benci dengan kekotoran. Seorang nurse yang sanggup bergelumang dengan benda2 kotor ketika menguruskan pesakit dianggap mulia
8. Buat dulu sesuatu sendiri, dan bilaman usaha itu kelihatan ada harapan untuk berjaya, barulah minta tolong orang lain
9. Cari prompter. e.g jika nak kutip derma, gunakan tabung derma yang lutsinar dan letakkan dulu duit sendiri dalam tu dlm jumlah agak banyak. orang akan lebih cenderung untuk menderma kerana ada prompter (duit yg diletakkan dahulu), berbanding menderma dlm tabung yang masih kosong
10. Jangan banyak complain

dan banyak lagi....