Best ke bertunang?

I have to complete my slides for my Hypothyroidism seminar this tuesday, but my mind just won't stop wandering.. Macamana agaknya orang bertunang rasa eh? My sister is engaged, and she is excited head to heel over it. I mean she keeps saying "Tunang saya..." until her friend feels nauseated huhuu. Some people date their boyfriend, of course that is against syariah. Some people doesn't date their boyfriend, but after engagement, they go on dating... Hmm that is slightly better but still against the syariah. Some people don't date their boyfriend and don't even date their fiance, but they hang on the phone all night.. that is mmm slightly better although it involves gray area (syubhah).. Some people don't date their boyfriend or fiance, don't even call but they SMS each other.. ???? Ada yg tak contact langsung till kahwin?

Some people are engaged for few months and they get married. Some people are engaged for 1 year and 
they get married. Some people are engaged for few years and then get married Whoaa. 
And some people are engaged and then they break the engagement.. 

What do all these people feel? Best ke ada couple, or best lagi bertunang, or best lagi takde couple, suddenly terjumpa Mr Right and terus kahwin? Hmm I don't know...

Islamic advice: Jangan ber'couple' lama-lama, nanti bertambah dosa. Hmm jaga jaga and jaga maruah diri, though of course everybody knows it is hard

From a mad'u (one who is preached) to a dai'e (preacher)

Do not try to understand..
For I do not wish to open up
Do not try to explain..
As I have closed my ears shut
Do not try to mould..
me into something that I am not
Do not make me do..
Anything that I really dislike
I hate your instruction,
I despise your forcefulness
Do you realize your sharp words
Would slice my heart
I want your guidance, and I want your care
I want to be clearly shown the right way
And yet it is hard to endure
The threats and anger that you pour
I want to be advised in a loving manner
And I want to walk by your side
To follow in your footsteps, hoping I won't err
I try to accept you just the way you are
And let me be the true me


Trying to readjust

Today, I was left confused.. and sad. When a man told me I am not trying to build family ukhwah..

Ever since I could retain something in my mind, a very vague memory that has decided to stay in me.. I remember my abah as a very busy man. He had to work even on Hari Raya and for countless times (though I have only experienced 22 eidulfitr in my 22 years of life), we celebrated raya in our own sweet home. Stucked in a sleeping residency during raya time, surrounded by quietness and loneliness, we learnt to be independent. 
Ummi and my siblings grew to be closer to each other, appreciating every moment shared among us.. 
And we learnt not to fret though at that small age, I felt sad when all the kids at school and at 
home eagerly waited for the moment to 'balik kampung'..

But with time, one learns to adjust.. Adjust to the surrounding, adjust to the condition. And learn to be satisfied. I guess I started not to mind.. and the loneliness and quietness during eidulfitr were then interpreted as relaxation and serenity. I enjoyed the quiet celebration, and tried to avoid merriness. 
Instead of eagerly asking Ummi "Bila nak balik kampung?", we really tried to skip family occassions. 
We would find reasons to escape kenduri, we produce all kind of explanation just not to go balik kampung..
"Important football match" (commonly used by my brother), "Klu abang tak g yasir pun tanak g sebab takde kawan" (commonly used by my another brother), "Headache" (commonly used by my sister, "Got to study. Exam is just around the corner" (commonly used by me hehe) and many more....

Deep down I realize this is not good but deep down I know that I enjoy it. And yet to justify things, we blame it on the way we were brought up.. I extremely love my parents and siblings, but in the same time, I don't really care towards my own relatives, my kilt and kin.. I mean I care about them as muslims, as human beings, but do I care about them the way I care about my immediate family members???.....And I can't even convince myself, will they be there for me on my Wedding Day, 
will they feel happy on my graduation day, will they celebrate my first born. will they stay by my side when I'm in deep trouble?? I can't even convince myself.. Yes i think the right word is 'care' astaghfirullah..

Truth is I am trying to sort this thing out, I am trying to change, I'm learning to be different, I really want to create a new family tradition, but give me time, and give me opportunity. Really I am trying to readjust..=) Why do I boither to do all this? For the sole reason- I am a MUSLIMAH!

We do feel proud!


The clicking sound

It was embarrassing- the clicking sound with each advancing steps, It was lowering my self esteem- the clattering sound accompanying my gait.. It was the sound of pebbles in the heels of my formal shoes. Judging from the situation, no doubt it was an old pair of shoes.. I bought it myself a long time ago, at a mega sale held in The Store in Kuantan, way back when I was in my preclinical years. I can’t even remember when. If only the sound were aborted, then no one would have guessed its old age.. And yet the sound gave away the secret.

It was quite cheap, obviously not a branded one. The heels were empty and that explains the clicking sound. When the sole was worn off, all the pebbles were free to enter and made the heels their own personal residency..-sigh- And for countless of time , they proceeded to the feet area; urging me to shake the shoes upside them just to vacate them and spare the pain of walking in a shoes full of pebbles!

For the umpteenth time, I was thinking of buying a new pair. In my own conscience and judgement, I really deserve it. In my own conscience…

That was before I was assigned a heart-inspiring patient- a sweet boy of 9 who had Acute glomerulonephritis- some kind of kidney disease. The 11th child out of 13 siblings, a member out of 16 households living in a 3-bedroom village house, the son of a rubber tapper single mother (the dad walked out on them), a year 3 student who only get RM1 pocket money, an active child who always insist in helping her mother to tap rubber, an active boy whose daily meal was not guaranteed, my eyes, heart and mind were opened and exposed to a new, wonderful, and yet pitiful world..

I spent quite ample time with them, to listen to their social and family problem, to lend my ears when they need someone to understand, to offer my advices and assurance when they seek for support, or to just be there for them and let them know in this whole wide world, there are always people who care. And I learn to be humble, I learn to be far more grateful with whatever that I have, I learn to appreciate my family and friends more, and most importantly I learn to be a good servant of God and realize there was nothing more important than Him.. They are indeed my teachers! My patients are.....

Recently, I realize that I have grown to be a part of the healthcare system, I have started to adjust with a path and life that I have at one time chosen, I become fond of the patients that I have to take care of and I subconsciously learn to love those who come for help and hope in the hospital.. I guess I am on the right track after all; although at times I can’t figure out why did I choose Medicine and that I may have made a major mistake. May Allah help me to go through the thick and thin in Medicine.. Ameen


A tribute to dearest Kakak

Kak, tomorrow will be your convocation day, and I won't be around to share the joy. I can't even fulfill your request to be presented with a bouquet of roses.. I have to be in the ward tomorrow and it is just not possible for me to be elsewhere.. Each of us has chosen the path in life in  which we should bravely traverse.. Though sometimes I just feel too tired to continue and move on.. 
but you have been a great help in igniting my motivation. Offering words of wisdom, all the while helping me to realize where do I stand. Your achievement today symbolizes that you have really tried.. And I truly believe that you can reach a higher goal!
You have proven that success comes with determination, and of course with Allah's Mercy & Guidance.. Congratulation! I am more than sure that Abah and Ummi are SO PROUD of you.. 
and so am I. All of us are, indeed!
Get your Masters & PhD A.S.A.P!!!!

'Draughted' of words

Suddenly I find myself wordless.. Exhaustion? Anxiety? Regret? Despair? Confusion? Irritated? Hopeless? ........ Ramadhan, Ramadhan Do come this way and bring me a surge of ruuhul jadid!


Islamic medication?

I clearly remember a case in the Hospital, when a girl presented with rash that looked like allergic rash- urticaria. And there was a different type of rash on both of her legs- erythema multiforme. We tried very extensively to find the allergen (the cause of the rash) or in other words, "What was she allergic to?" Unfortunately we failed, but her mother mentioned something about their neighbour who also had prolonged rash, and probably it was due to the water or something..
But of course we did try to rule out bacterial infecion, because when I looked at the rash on the leg, it resembled something called 'bull-eye rash' which can be found in patient with Lyme disease- a disease caused by bacterial infection. And her blood investigation actually pointed in the direction of bacterial infection.

To cut everything short, she was put on medication via infusion. The next day, one of my classmate presented her case to our Dr-lecturer. Well, it was kind of a sensational mystery as to what did the child actually had. Whenever we have mysterious case in the ward, we'll 
present it to our lecturer, in the hope of getting a second opinion with regard to the diagnosis.

Shockingly, when we went to the patient's bed, the curtain was drawn around her and her mother was sitting outside the cubicle, crying. We were curiosed! But the drawn curtain indicated nothing more than a blood-taking procedure was being done. After the procedure has ended, we went to the patient, eagerly waiting for our lecturert o examine the patient and give us his opinion. This time around, I was shocked to see that the rash has all flared up and her legs looked like swollen red bats. She cried continuously because initialy the rash being itchy, has taken a monstrous turn into being extremely painful. Our lecturer suspected bacterial infection. By then, antibiotic has been given through infusion. She couldn't be examined actually because she was crying in pain. Now instead of being just 'mysterious', she was the 'hot topic' in the ward.

In the evening, approximately 2 hours after our class as ended, I again visited the patient, just to say hi. By that time I was in a good and friendly term with the mum. Suddenly, the mum whispered to me "This rash is automatic". I was confused and ask "What do you mean by automatic?" She said that just few hours before, the rash was very painful to touch, and now the rash has almost gone, and it was not painful anymore. I examined her, and yes true to her words, the rash has cleared up a bit.. and YES she was not in pain! I was dumbfounded, trying to find some explanation to the situation, when suddenly she whispered again "Tadi waktu melawat, ada org kampung datang baca-baca ayat sket (Jampi)" I just nodded, not knowing how to reply. I mean it was not that weird, she has taken antibiotic for 3 doses if i am not mistaken, most probably the bacteria has started to show some degree of defeat"

A colleague who was actually handling the case, came to my rescue when he took over the conversation with the mum. I stepped back and went to check on my Asthma patient who was not at all mysterious but pitiful. So aforementioned the girl being the talk-of-the-ward hot topic, we discussed over her case in the classroom, and the gossip was spiced up and ignited again when the mum decided to refuse treatment, and wanted her daughter to be discharged at own risk- It merely means she wanted to bring her daughter out of the hospital at her own risk, and should anything happens afterward, the hospital won't be responsible.. The plan? To bring her daughter to a skillful bomoh.

I felt worried becuase if true her condition was due to bacterial infection, then she really needed the antibiotic. After persuasion and avice from the doctors, the family insisted, and the next day, I tried to find them but they were gone..

The real issue was, was there any better way for the doctors to deal with this matter? I mean we discussed and discussed of how should we talk and explain to the mum.. and yet we failed to convince them. As muslims we do believe in the supernatural, in the unseen.. It is one of the pillars of Iman- to have faith in perkara ghaib. But to believe in jampi with no known evidence that the jampi was not affecting our AQIDAH?? And what is 
wrong in using both the Islamic and conventional way of treating an illness? The conventional 
way is also the Islamic way, if only we start with Bismillah, believe that Allah cures everything 
and leave everything to Him after we have tried our best! 

To conclude, we failed with the patient, this time around... We failed to be a good daie to the family, may Allah grant us His mercy and forgiveness...


Cleanse and purify

I just take some time to scribble down something here. Just came back from temerloh, now in Kuantan, it is a no wonder that i aspire to be sleeping beauty and jump out of consciousness for a satisfying period of time.. but truth is, I am UP! As if to be up early can be counted as the eigth wonder of the world  -sigh- It is not even the wonder of my own world.. But let me tell something "I am sleepy". Again, I am sleepy. Ok that's it- I am sleepy. Full Stop.

Ramadhan is coming.. Ramadhan is coming!!!. I feel quite anxious and excited simultaneously. Anxious when I wonder whether I can make full use of the much-awaited month, or whether I can really experience the beauty of the month, or whether I will manage to improve and return to the fitrah of man which is purity.. And I do feel excited to have a starting point during which I have to start forcing and training myself to work hard to become a better muslimah =)

Ramadhan is the reason for everybody to improve his/her relationship with Allah almighty. Ramadhan is the starting point.. I want to try grabbing each seconds that ticks away in the month of Ramadhan, and so should each of us.. Happy Ramadhan and enjoy it to the fullest! :)


Anti climax =(

I was excited to find out what awaited me in the ward today.. and I was extremely- you can say- upset when i got a patient with AEBA- Acute Exacerbated Bronchial Asthma. Ok, if you still feel the name is quite unique and too medical, it is simply a case of asthma or lelah. Huu. I am doing everything I can to appreciate this, it is a very common thing, 
as common as flu, and you won't feel excited to deal with one -sigh-
When I mentioned bout the case to afriend who was assigned the same case. he couldn't hide his disappointment (though I don't know whether he tried to hide it hor he purposely showed it to me), and well I couldn't help but to follow in his footstep, celebrating the regret hahaha

But matters twisted in a more exciting turn, favoring me today -Alhamdulillah- when I was given the chance to clerk a case of prolonged jaundice (demam kuning tak baik-baik) in an infant who is 45 day old. Though I have to meekly admit that we ended in a blind alley, trying to 
find our way out of the maze of confusion of what kind of disease did the baby actually have.. we did have few guesses.. 
And when in the evening we presented the case to Dr Wong (a paediatrician), we learnt that the condition might be a life threatening condition. While Dr Wong took the responsibility of breaking the bad news to the poor anxious mum, 
I wonder how would I handle such delicate matter, If I were to be in the mum's shoes...

But Allah has placed our heart at ease when He guaanteed that He won't burden a heart except with what the heart is able to endure. And we should continue to pray that we will be able to withstand any test bestowed on us.. And the test will raise the level of our faith.. May our hearts remain calm only in the remembrance of Allah ameen.
La Yukallifullahu nafsan illa wus'aha..

Lingering around.....................

Background nasyeed: Now I do by Waheeda

Now is 7:27a.m and I should either be in the toilet taking my morning bath or I should be outside, ready to go to the hospital. But fact is fact, I am still here lazing around with Lavender-chan since after Subh. Whoa.. get moving sister!!

We were informed that TODAY we have to share per patient among 4 students!! And I don't have class today, so I guess there's no harm in being a 'bit' late huh? Memang takde kerja je kat hospital. If I were to disturb others' patients, it won't be appropriate and nice will it? So using the sole reason of completing my slides for my seminar this friday, i think i am unguiltily taking extra time hanging around huu

My seminar will insyaAllah be on Hypothyroidism. Huu such a wide field which I have to cover. But no worry, I still have time insyaAllah provided that i won't brood the whole day and refuse to force my muscles to sweat out. Let me see. let me see. 

Should take my breakfast now, and off to HoSHAS!!


3 days that were psychologically perceived as 3 whole years!

It has been only 3 days- 3 whole days and yet i feel like i haven't touched my laptop for 3 years! What an exaggerated response. 
Just to document it here- I went to sunnathon on friday and saturday. Should you wonder what is sunnathon, 
it was a programme organized by PPIM (Persatuan Perubatan Islam Malaysia) 
consisting of free medical check up and mass circumcision. 
Alhamdulillah I managed to circumcise a boy and assisting few others. Alhamdulillah. And the presence of a long-time-no-see friend made everything even more worthwhile..=) However we used the Smart clamp- a robotish gadget which made our work much easier. We didn't need to sew up everything after cutting off the skin, we just let it healed by itself. 
But all in all I wasn't very satisfied with the prog.. ahh yes a man's plan is never perfect.. a far cry from Allah's plan which is always free from error. So no hard feelings on that matter =)

On thursday evening I took a bus from temerloh to Kuantan. On friday afternoon I took a bus from kuantan to kelantan, arriving there at night. On saturday night I took a bus from kelantan to kuantan, arriving during subh. an at 1oam this morning i took a bus from kuantan temerloh.. what a hectic weekend!

When I am connected to the borderless world again, i saw the Umar's pic haha who looks as if he is metamorphosising every single day! He resembles abah even closer with time..anak abah la katakan..

Another day of wardwork tomorrow, overwhelmed by curiosity, wondering who will be my patient....who says medical student doesn't has a life? This is my life...=)


Just leave me alone please

There are times when I just want to run,
Escape and away from everything that tries to tie me tight
to not be even a small part of this tiring world
Break free into a life that makes me feel satisfied
And there are times when I just want to be alone
Making myself the captain of my very own yacht
It was not a chartered journey
But even when I sail and trail with the wind
The contentment of being just with my own self
Is so wonderful an experience to be owned
But when I think I am a part of a piece of glass
That tries to chip off in the light of selfishness
I only manage to sigh and sigh
For my quest for freedom and lonesome
is too expensive for one to afford..

me me n me on 13th August 2008


I always end up here!

It is now 1:32 am. Having just woken up from my obligatory beauty sleep almost 1 and a half hour ago.. by right, by the law of Allah for nature (sunnatullah), I SHOULD BE STUDYING RIGHT NOW! and yet I end up turning to deaf ear (which is of course my poor blog) and ramble some more. 2 rakaat of tahajjud prayer would be far more beneficial of course, and YET i am STILL HERE -sigh-

Trying my best to make my brain figure out what should best be done or how should I go about, should a a patient presents with cough or shortness of breath. My lacrimal gland almost secrete excessive tears in response to the matter of cough and shortness of breath given that I have been thinking unfruitfully over this issue for approximately 1 week! -sigh sigh- Well of course i can think randomly, but it just won't fit in my personality and YUP I AM TRYING to create a template and a flow chart here hahaha. not again!! -groan-

I have started to think that the main prob here lies within my hypoactive brain. Malasnyee nak fikir. I am one of the Malays. It sounds like 'malas'. In the medical dictionary, one can find the word 'malaise'. It is pronounced as ma-leys which again sounds like malays and eventually evolves into malas haha. Malaise is defined as a feeling of general discomfort, a bit like lethargy or fatigue. I think the word 'Malays" is jinxed!! -GASP-


I'll try

Something is hacking my brain! I read on dyspnea and cough for 1 week, from the very book that I have borrowed from JHC library and yet I still can't comprehend what I have been reading!!!! Ape ni? melalut tak habis2.

By the way, my case presentation was a very bad 1, that i was very sure it was very toxic to Prof Aye Aye.. poor her who had to endure the fatal toxicity; similar to an infant's brain when afflicted with kernicterus.. poor her. 
And to note that I just grinned stupidly at her, pretending I don't understand anything, making 
sympathic and innocent face at her.. she must had been boiling inside, impatiently waited for the presentation to end! sorry Prof Aye Aye hehe.

I'll try to improve next time. I'll try to be better.. really I'll try!


A seminar which was very informative, eventhough I just have to admit that the long presentation group by group was really... nauseating (gosh, such harsh word!!). Thanks to Prof Arif who was very motivating. I shouldn't say we kind of created an utopian dream, because we belive it wasn't. To create hospitals and produce health workers who practise Islamic teachings.. it is not impossible at all. But of course we have to islamize and islamicize ourself first, given we were born muslims!

Should a muslim b allowed to do O&G?? I don't think so! Let the muslimat deal with it. I wouldn't want to be examined or have my baby in the future delivered by a male doctor! And yet the bros felt that it was not fair to discourage them from doing O&G!! Sometimes I feel we are so dissolved in the system that we have now, that we feel it is normal for a male to be an O&G specialist.. It is their right to choose, it is inborn...?? I wonder, does it really work that way? Common bro, choose something else, 
and make way for the sisters to do O&G! Hey, we are muslims! And yet we kind of lost our identity. The male deals with male, the female deals with female. If it is dharuriyyah, yes then a male doctor may deal with a female patient.. but if a male doctor primarily chooses to specialize in O&G, attends the 4-year course and all the while having full knowledge and awareness of what they are going to deal with in the years to come, once they have graduated......DO WE STILL CALL THAT DHARURIYYAH?????? Ok ok I am getting emotional here.. because I just hate a male doing O&G! As simple and as clear as that!

Or maybe I should be a male specialist instead? hahaha what is happening in this world? everything is in topsy turvy, every single thing is going upside down!


What a hard life.... at least for me

Today is thursday, and today i should b going back to kuantan. I decided to go back by the university bus, at least i don't have to pay for it. But in the end only me n a friend wanted the bus, as eveybody has decided to drive back to kuantan..

Hmm i feel kinda.... sad i guess. well the trip to kuantan by car is not a cheap one. Maybe if i calculate RM10 per trip, i have to rake out RM20 per week for return trip. And for 1 month I have to spend Rm80 for the journeys. I haven't even calculated the daily trip to the hospital..which again i have to pay for the fuel. And we do car pooling. Sigh- what an expensive life..

Ummi said I have to follow the crowd.. I can't have the university bus when there are only 2 people who are going to ride it, huh? I have just started to train myself to be -well you know- sort of a humble person, who can endure hardships in life.. and yet here I am whining again and again..
What a hard life.. at least for me...

I was very firm when I said I could be strong staying here in Temerloh. I was quite firm when I said I could sail through clinical years humbly. I was at least a bit firm when I said I could be independent.. and yet here I am whining again and again, fretting over the tiniest obstacle that i have to overcome... what a hard life.. at least for me..

No worries, I'll try my best to go through it using my own ways.. Laa tahinu wa laa tahzanu.. inallaha ma'ana!


Few notes on my life in temerloh

I tried very hard to find time to write something here.. well you know just to document my days.. Whoa and i find paediatric posting in Hoshas (Temerloh Hospital) is not as relaxing as told by the seniors.. definitely not a honeymoon period for me, but it sure is as exciting and as happy as a student can be. Living with friends in a house (please note, a very rare experience indeed living in a house with friends!!!) is fun! Yup the word is fun! I share a room with mimi, and it seems like in the old days when we were roommates dated back in matriculation years! Solat jamaah, discuss cases, sharing foods.. huu i feel like having this life forever..

Of course I do miss usrah, my AB in kuantan, the hectic Islamic activities..

But of course posting is quite tiring. I had to spend like nearly hour just to listen to the heart & breath sound of a patient! Well I am dealing with kids here -_-...!! To build a rapport with them is not an easy task at all.. although i do find few kids who are very friendly and cooperative.

And tonight will be my first on-call day! Got to catch some sleep before I collapse in the ward tonight huhuu.. I am sure there is a drum team making a performance in my head.. because my head is banging hard


Bila waktu telah terhenti...

Bila Waktu Tlah Berakhir
Album : Istighfar
Munsyid : Opick

Bagaimana kau merasa bangga
akan dunia yang sementara
bagai manakah bila semua
hilang dan mati meninggalkan diri mu
bagimanakah bila saat nya
waktu terhenti tak kau sadari
masihkah ada jalan bagi mu untuk kembali
mengulang ke masa lalu
dunia....dipenuhi dengan hiasan
semua..dan segala yang ada
akan kembali pada nya
bila waktu telah memanggil
teman sejati hanyalah amal
bila waktu telah terhenti
teman sejati tinggallah sepi...



Entry ni khas untuk omar =)

Omar, i just want to show u few changes that have taken place in our home sweet home =)
Some are kinda funny, tp jgn mare hehe

Ada 2 scenes
The first scene is in your room.. org amik gambar kat 1 corner.. just guess what is missing =P
Tp terpaksa rahsiakan kat mana brg2 mu dah g haha. And I can't show the whole room.. nanti mu terkejut with the transformation haha.

Second scene is in yasir's room. Ada innovation canggih giler. Well you know the kotak projects.. cume kali ni ada advancement.. + polystirene.. tp komputer tu tak agak la dia amik dr mana..


La ba'sa thohuurun insyaAllah

Sore throat. Pharyngitis? Productive cough with greenish sputum. Bacterial infection? I haven't even started my temerloh paediatric posting and the pathogens have officially declared war against me!! I could sense a fever coming soon..

What did Rasulullah say when he visited the ill? "Syafakillah. La ba'sa thohuurun insyaAllah" which means "May Allah heals you. Never mind, it purifies you insyaAllah". I should say that to myself. It will insyaAllah purifies me in terms of my sins, my heart, my intention..