Some news

Farfalle salad
Baked potatoes


The other day abang beli banyak Strawberry, tapi MASAM!! I didn't know what to do with em, so I made an omelette for abang, and put the strawberries of course not for the taste but for the look hehe. And I laughed out loud (LOL) alone in the kitchen for I felt like preparing a meal for a small kid hehe.

NOW THE STORY..

Alhamdulillah today is my 1st day of elective..1st day in the medical wards of King Abdullah University Hospital..1st day of trying to make sense of the 'foreign' language, my 1st day travelling alone to King Abdullah University Hospital (KAUH) by public transport hehe, 1st day of being independent and make use of any arabic words that manage to come to mind whenever people tries to make a meaningful conversation with me huuu.. 1 of the things that I am afraid of is..that I'll use some fusaha' words and people will laugh. Well nobody say "Aina?" instead they say "Wein?", confusing me with the word "When?". Instead of using "Qobla", they say something like "Gable". Or "How much?" isn't translated as "kam?" but rather "adish?" which initially confused me with "A dish??" The thing is Q is pronounced as G huu and the language is all hay wire hehe. Thanks to few akhawat whom I joined in clerking the patients..

Feeling a lil palpitated, for I have for so long left the wards!! Well, one doesn't really take patient's history in clinics :p But am determined to make good use of the posting, though I have to admit that I [again] bcome the winner of sleep marathons. Huu, abang is quite busy with revision, in view of the final exam which is just around the corner.. and I busy myself with dreams gee. Abang study, aku tidur. Ini disebabkan I still sleep according to Malaysian bed time. Abang tidur, aku tmankan abang tidur pulak. End up getting severe headache. Just lucky that I got to be in the hospital although for 3 hours per day only.

We don't go out much aside the hospital. I don't want to disturb abang that much until after he is all done with the exam.. but at times I just beg him to take me out for a walk. And he insisted that we eat the ice cream that he loves to buy, the shumam (honey dew) juice from a juice shop that he really loves.. abang, abang.. (geleng2 kepala). 1 thing, I really should watch out for my weight that is rapidly increasing huu.. maybe I should cut down on the carbs and meat hmm ~sigh~

The other day I promised to upload the pics for Kakak after our 'frustrating' conversation lingering around, "What do you cook for your husband? I don't know what to cook for mine!!!" ..something that I prepared for Athiq.. There was 1 day when I made Nasi Briyani..too much that abang had to eat it for dinner, for breakfast the next day and the following lunch haha. So I then tried something different (plus my 1st time of making kuih kasturi as abang really loves that kuih!!)

Chilled Farfalle salad:

Simple je. Boil the farfalle. Do not overboil it. Then cut some tomatoes, cucumber and anything that you like. Gaulkan with the farfalle, add olive oil. Then just put in any herbs that you feel like putting in- basil leaves, oregano or anything. Put in the fridge :) I don't though.. rumah abang still sejuk lg huu

Baked potatoes

Cut the potatoes into wedges. Mince 2 cloves of garlic (for 3 large potatoes), gaulkan with the potatoes, oil and water. Add in black pepper, salt (I added Italian mixed herbs). Wrap them up in aluminium foil, bake in the oven at 200C for 1 hour.

Two great mums

For the one who had lovingly carried me in her womb for 9 months..

For the one who had gambled her life to let me see the world 24 years ago..
For the one who had allowed me to enjoy her breastmilk and grow strong...
For the one who had chosen to give me love and raised me up..
For the one who had patiently tolerated my tantrum and emotional burst..
For the one who has always been there for me to turn to...
For the one who has taught me to be a good muslimah..
For the one who has always made me understood the responsibility of an 'abd of God
For the one who has always painted my life in wonderful colours..
For the one who have done everything for me that not even a soul can compare..
For the one whom I can't ever forget to love, and to cherish in my doa...
I love you, dear UMMI
No presents on this Mother's day, but a warm memory of me and you..
And tears that spell a never ending love..
And my humble prayer that you'll have a grand life in the hereafter..
With Love, from Batul


Untuk mak yang telah mengandungkan abang 9 bulan..
Untuk mak yang bertarung nyawa bagi mengizinkan abang menatap wajah dunia..
Untuk mak yang telah menyusukan abang dengan susu dari tubuhnya..
Untuk mak yang membanting tulang demi menyuapkan rezqi Allah kepada abang..
Untuk mak yang telah berpenat lelah mendewasakan abang..
Untuk mak yang membuatkan abang mengerti hakikat hidup seorang hamba..
Untuk mak yang sentiasa meneguhkan abang..
Untuk mak yang menjadi tempat abang mengadu dan melepaskan kejerihan hidup..
Untuk mak yang mempercayai Maryam mengambil alih tugasan menjaga abang..
Untuk mak yang menerima diri ini seadanya..
Untuk layanan istimewa yang mak yang tidak membezakan aku dari anak-anaknya..
Untuk mak yang selamanya aku dan abang sayang..
Selamat Hari Ibu..
Sesungguhnya kami tidak punya apa-apa untuk diberikan kepada mak
Pada hari yang tersangat istimewa bagi meraikan dirimu..
Melainkan sepotong doa agar kau dianugerahkan kehidupan yang terlalu indah
di syurga nanti..
InsyaAllah..
Salam Sayang dari Maryam & A'thiq

KHAS UNTUK UMMI DAN MAK, KLIK SINI

Exam

It has been that long huh? A week without any blogging activity. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't trying any weird recipe of soups out of my Ortho notes, and yup no food poisoning either. (Well I only hope to be ortho-wiser, that's all ~sigh~) Today is Saturday and tomorrow will be the last day without exam!!!! And the exam syndrome has just started which consists of

1. Asking abang repeatedly what if I fail my exam, and I have to do remedial posting and I won't be going to Jordan for elective. Abang kata if dah berusaha, tapi still tak dpt buat elective, itulah yg terbaik dari Allah :)

2. Revision week intolerancy which practically results in me going out everyday. (and I tried hard to search for the purposes as well) Keluar untuk cari baju abang, esok keluar utk cari pewangi yg abang nak, lepastu keluar untuk cari adaptor and extension wire yang abang nak, lepastu g collect parcel dari abang... I'm definitely good at finding alasan haha

3. Feel sorry for myself for not being able to join the family trip to Sarawak this weekend, and start wondering all over again, what am I doing all alone in Kuantan??? And what is it with the ambition to be a doctor?? Confused huu

4. It is always during the revision week when I'll be flooded with ideas (probably because of the excessive time of doing nothing), and this time around I start selling cakes! Yup cakes. I guess it started when I was so excited with my new oven and I couldn't resist the temptation to try it out (though the ortho notes were screaming for some attention), and I baked cake everyday, thus the idea of selling cake haha. So yes moist chocolate cake with rich chocolate topping :) Planning to expand the menu as well, but probably after the holiday insyaAllah

5. Most importantly, examination makes me feel close to Him..because everytime I think of the exam, then I start thinking of life as the real exam.. the feeling is, I think I'm not good enough to be judged by human beings (the Doctors of course), though at times I think I have done my best, working hard throughout the posting then how can I ever think of obtaining a pass once being judged byAllah the Almighty??? The most that I'll get is a failure in Ortho posting, I can always do a remedial, if not I have 2 years of extra clinical years to spare, or worst, I will be kicked out of medical school, and that's it in this very short life, for I will leave everything behind once the grave gives a call. Maybe I won't even have the chance to complete my medical training when my time in this world is up.. but do I work hard to face that real exam?? I always take things for granted....

And for that reason, I am most grateful to have this exam as a reminder that life is very short, and that I should be preparing for the ultimate judgement.. And i like that feeling of helplessness as a servant of Him..

I know.. I know most of the times I have this negativism on Medicine; on why must I do medicine, on why must I be a career woman when I want to be a housewife, on why do I have to be a doctor and experience a life which to most people is 'suck', but hey

"Life is movement, movement is life!"

Alhamdulillah

Praise be to Allah, for I have savely moved out from IIUM. It was muscle-aching and dead tiring- moving the furnitures especially... and of course screwing the DIY things.. That's the drawback of not having an andro homo sapien to help out I guess.. And I did the climbing activities as well, to hang the curtain. But Instead of buying the RM100 expensive steel ladder, I just bought an RM10 plastic stool huuu.

Everything done in 2 days..but the result?? Myalgia, arthralgia just name them. But currently I am in UIA to spend the night hehe. First thing because the bad internet connection in UIA is actually far better than the Celcom broadband.. at least I can still skype with abang here, though at times we just have to bear with repeated sudden disconnection.

Another thing is I really want my family to come and spend a night or 2 in the house.. but I guess I can't expect too much when I'm married.. sort of have to be a little independent, I'm not a little kid anymore.. with Ummi busy being a contractor (a bit of renovation work going on in our house, and she's busy supervising the indonesian workers perhaps??!!) but yup I'm brooding over it..

Dikala bersedih ni, teringat kat abang.. but the time difference becomes the limitation. And I'm trying hard to wake him up and chat with me.. sungguh tak patut! He had never woken me up before just because he needs me huu, well maybe that's the hard fact he has to bear with- an inconsiderate wife haha. So I tried another strategy- by making the Secret Recipe owner richer by few ringgits- while I sinfully consumed hundreds of Black Forest calories, hoping it would induce the secretion of happy neurotransmitters- guess it's not working anyway.

Now the final week of Orthopaedic finally arrives!!!! Am I glad that A&E posting has finished!!! But it means a thick compilation of notes to be emergently digested, ahh I am not very keen in doing that...thinking of going back AGAIN!??

The prayer for guidance

And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright

(Al-Baqarah 2:186)

4th January 2010 Alhamdulillah :) And I'm accelerating towards becoming part of the archeological world. This year I turn TUH-WEN-TI FOUR!! And Abang? TUWENNNTI FAIVVE. Abang asked me my new-year azam. Err should I have 1? Never thought about it before, new year seems so insignifcant huu. So he created 1 for me (a secret of course hehee), I guess the only thing is I should comply, isn't it? Brilliant~

Will insyaAllah shortly be on my way back to Kuantan, with loads of motivation ( I hope) and surely a Shika full of things!! opps it turn into a bangla-shy car today hehe (no offense to the bangla, it's just that bangladeshis like to ride a motorcycle in a trio hehe). Will try to capture a pic of the poor Shika :p Ok, honestly I'm abusing Shika by making him carry my washing machine to Kuantan hoho. I'm off to Kuantan for good- until the final exam isyaAllah :D Do pray for me..

I just can't believe it that I managed to make it to the 9th Ortho week- which obviously will be the most terrible week because I'll be posted in the Accident & Emergncy Department throughout, and it merely means a 8am-to12am-daily timetable.. wonder how will I manage though.. Case write-up finale which should be submitted on Friday, my CPC presentation which is also scheduled on Friday.. I thought I would make good use of the weekend by completing the writeup and the presentation slides... but it took an ungly turn haha when I didn't even manage to read the journals which I'd brought home. Looks like I purposely plan for a crammer 9th-week.. Serves me right I guess... :(

Discussing on a different issue, surprisingly I was asked by few people on Istikharah prayer within the past week! When you perform istikharah, must it be answered with a dream? and I was even asked, did I dream of anything when I performed istikharah before marrying Abang? Seriously I can't remember, but I think I didn't...

I found a link which clearly explains on istikharah, do read it here http://www.beautifulislam.net/articles/dreams_istikharah.htm
and another very interesting article here..
http://www.readingislam.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=IslamOnline-English-AAbout_Islam/AskAboutIslamE/AskAboutIslamE&cid=1123996016698

Craps

I woke up this morning with a very bad feeling.. but remembering that I have to do a formal case presentation with my mentor today, taking a leave was not a choice, so I kinda said to myself, "never mind, you can always go back after the cp" haha because I was dead sure I had the inclination to go back only after office hours. But I felt much better when Abang called, and recited few pages from the Quran for me.. Of course after he asked whether I have recited the Quran, and I had to give a sheepish "No" as an answer..

The CP was lousy, first thing becuase the history was lousy (not because of me ok :p but because it was just not a typical disease presentation), secondly I examined the patient a week ago, so when I was asked

"Did you examine the patient?"

I answered, "Em, I examined him a long time ago"

"Never mind, just tell us the findings a long time ago"

"I don't remember la, Dr"

"Oh ok, did you manage to inspect the swelling and the discharging sinuses?"

"Yyess... tp sekejap je, because actually the skin Dr nak inspect, the nurse turned the patient (the swelling was on the back), and sempat tgk sekejap"

"So can you describe it? Ke tak boleh jugak?"

"Tengok sekejap sangat, dah tak ingat dah..."

"You ni banyak betul alasan"

Aku tersengih kambing, Dr pun taktau nak cakap ape huhuuu he just laughed. Kenapalah aku lousy sgt huu. Finally he checked the patient's file, only to find a lousy documentation as well huuuu.

"Dr, kita buat la short case kat patient tu" (meaning we examine him on-the-spot)

"Hmm I think not much that we can find.."

I was prepared to be bashed on the history part, and even attempted suicide by suggesting the short case thing. Well, it was a spine case, and truthfully I'm not good at examining the spine..

Everything said and done. I went to the OT after that, and came back after 5.30pm (hahaa sangatlaa "awal"nya aku balik, way deviated from my original plan :D see i told ya!!). Was a bit drousy in the OT, when the surgeon talked of polygamy; I wonder why do men like to talk about polygamy huuu

My room is jinxed, because the moment I enter it, I start to cry. Missing abang tooooo muccchhhhhhhhh. So I asked Ummi to give me a call, discussed things with her.. and feeling better Alhamdulillah :)

Rasa nak tergelak bila teringat :D

With the abundant of notes screaming for completion, and the wasted times for shedding tears in missing abang, I guess finally I've found a tiny speck of chance to write something which isn't that worth of writing, but readable hopefully huh~

I have this 'bad habit' of talking too much. My evergreen victim? Ummi of course haha. I used to follow her around while she was busying herself with household chores of course, and talk about almost everything, and when she finally took a rest to enjoy the newspaper, I refused to call it a day, and happily continued with this activity haha. The thing is, I knew all along that she wasn't paying attention, and just replied with a careless "hmm" every now and then :D but that didn't dampen the spirit anyway. So I told her every single thing that happened in school, I told her about every single person that I encounter in very meticulous details (no wonder she usually can guess which is which whenever she meet my friends for the first time huu).. so the story is..

I continue to act that way in Medical school. Huu. But instead of telling her about my friends, I tell her about my patients, excluding the name for confidential purpose of course. My first posting was Paeds. I clearly remember I told her of a boy, whose mother was a single mother, She was a rubber tapper, and she had 13 kids to be fed. They lived in a small kampung house, with 2 rooms, together with her grandchildren- 16 people! I told her the boy wore worn out clothes, torn and stitched.. I told her with great emotion.. and guess what? I ended going to the ward, with a bag full of second hand clothes- ni my bros punya, yg still elok, tp dah tak muat size :), well they grow so fast! and some amount of cash- definitely not from me but from Ummi. I remember that mak cik was so touched, that she repeatedly said that she'd pray for my success etc.. when i was not actually my deed huuu...

That was the first time and definitely not the last time becuase I continue to promote my patients to Ummi hahaha. Now, I've started thinking of changing my career from a doctor to a politician, I seriously think I'm good at lobbying :p. Maybe I can be as good as Shahrizat?? huuu. The thing that struck me (and continues making me feel insaf huu) is my mum is a housewife with 0 (spell Z-E-R-O) income. But she doesn't mind in donating the little amount of money that she has huu (Ummi rajin kumpul sikit2 duit that abah allocates for food).

Last week, she asked me to search for a water filter at the shopping complex; she has been dreaming of owning an RO water filter that costs thousands of ringgit since years back I guess. (Ummi takut buah pinggang rosak if minum air not properly filtered hehe) So she has been saving some money for quite sometime (I think it's not enough yet, but nearly reaching her aim :D). But this week, I arrived home on Friday with another story of my new patient.. and she sacrificed some amount of money from whatever that she has..

Tapi aku? Dahla jarang bersedekah.. boros pulak tu.. huu really I should learn the lesson.
1. Jgn jadi kedekut, rajinlah bersedekah
2. Jangan jadi isteri yang suka habiskan duit suami
3. Pandai2 berjimat

Farah's Wedding

My Abah
Athiq's Abah
Wan





My Ummi
A'thiq's mum

Awatif (my youngest sis in law) yg baru lepas menangis hehe

Our cousins.....

"Kak Maryam, Abg A'thiq mana?"

"Abg A'thiq kat Jordan"

"Kak Maryam, Abg A'thiq buat apa kat Jordan?"

".........."

they talk non-stop...

My sisters in law- Ipah, Ieman and Izzati

Snapped a photo with the bride :D

This entry is nothing of importance. Just few pics which I want to show to Abang who was missing in action hehe. Went to our cousin's wedding- Farah! Semoga perkahwinan dilimpahi barakah dr Allah :)

Jeleknya kesyukuran yg ada padaku..

Before I went to class, Abang asked me, kalau ada berita baik psl kwn ayang, ayang nak dgr dr kwn ayang or dari abang?
I answered "Abang"
He asked me lagi, "Kalau ada berita buruk pasal kawan ayang, ayang nak dgr dari kawan ayang or dari abang?"
I answered "Abang. Spy ayang tahu abang beratkan tentang kawan2 ayang"
Abang kata malam nanti dia nak cakap sesuatu.. I said ok..

I went to the Operaton Theatre today.. with a very hopeful feeling that I'd be able to do a case presentation. Lunch time was approaching and the Dr wanted to have his lunch, I couldn't contain myself and I cried..right in the OT huu (a habit I guess). Coincidentally there was a party in the nurse pantry in the OT (I don't know for what reason) and they invited us the medical students to join. With the wet nose, puffy eyes, the least that I wanted was to have a public appearance. So I just said thank you, but no thank you. Feeling very sad, I called Ummi. Ummi kata mana ada orang nangis sebab tak dpt buat CP.. And Ummi cakap rugi tak makan free especially when my friends said the cake and puddings were like heaven!! And I cried even harder. I smsed abang but he remained quiet.. Bertambah sedih. The feeling was like, sedihnya tak dpt CP, sedihnya abg jauh, sedihnya abang busy and sedih mcm2 benda lagi. But I was reminded that right at that moment somebody was having a harder and harsher time compared to me.. After quite sometime, Abang replied.He apologized for he was also busy in the Operation Theatre, observing cases of inguinal hernia and paraumbilical hernia. He told me to get my meal, pray 2 rakaat and remember that "Ada Orang yang lebih sedih dari kita sayang.. Abg dpt berita berkaitan 'Ukasyah semalam.."

I was left dumbfounded, trying to secure a meal (tak makan lagi seharian..). Terkedu dan terkesima. Jeleknya kesyukuran yang ada padaku... Astaghfirullah..

Tika itu..

This song is dedicated to Abang.. I want you to always be strong, I want you to continue fighting, I want you to patiently wait for me, and I want you... to know that I will always love you :D

Tika Itu from UNIC

Dan di ketika itu kita
Membina subur nur harapan
Terbina indah mimpiku
Terpatri sebuah ikatan
Hadapi segala rintangan
Indahnya sinar bercahaya
Dan di saat berbicara
Akan tekad yang di jiwa
Berpisah mengejar cita
Yang diimpi sekian lama
Kan ku abadi saat gemilang
Suka duka manisnya kenangan
Bersemadi di ingatan
Mogakan kekal sepanjang zaman
Hanya kuharapkan ketenangan
Melayari hidup sendirian
Dalam mengejar impian
Moga tertakdir rahmat di tuhan
Ku kan tetap bersama menuju impian di cita
Kepuncak kegemilangan yang tiada tara
Saat waktu kitakan pasti bersua akhirnya
Kita kan tetap bersama dalam mengejar cita

:)

It’s Friday again and 1 week has passed.
Yesterday was the worst I guess, when we had the Basic Orthopaedic Skill Workshop (which I EXTREMELY love) from 8 to 5, and my on call expanded from 6pm to 12am (and I enjoyed it to the most of course due to my mentor’s teaching, except the fact that I didn’t manage to do any case presentation- again!! Well my patient was wheeled to the operation theatre the moment we entered the ward huh such meticulous coincidence) BUT I hadn’ t done my case writeup and my case summaries and it felt like something heavy compliantly clinging on.. Back from the hospital last night, I was totally drained out of the last drop of energy to complete them and of course collapsed.. and awoken up to a nightmarish very early morning, for the due date is TODAY!!

I hesitated between tahajjud or completing the case writeup. Really I was stucked in such a desperate position huu. . Weighing between the 2, I rationalized that submitting the case writeup was “wajib” for me hehe but the qiamullail was sunnah :p

There are things that sometimes I tend to forget say for example the beauty of tawakkal, the ease experienced in trusting in Him, the serenity enjoyed in qiyamullail, the dependency on Allah, the hope found in du’a, the relief in knowing that life is just for a while, the anxiety triggered by remembering the hereafter… and so many things..

There are times when I feel what I gain is much less than what I’ve been working for eg I don’t perform well in medicine, I don’t perform well elsewhere, I don’t get what I want, I’ve worked so hard and about to reach the limit and yet my aim is far from reach. And that’s when I’ll take a pause to break down and ponder.. upon what I’ve gone through. And I take time to cry.. I am most grateful to have my family, for the things that we share among us. I can freely tell them “Abang kenapa ayang rasa ayang dah belajar tapi tak pandai jugak, tak dpt jawab soalan” “Ummi, I’m so tired and I still don’t get any CP” “I am so afraid that I’ll be a doctor who will kill my patient” and things like that. Of course abang kaya dengan pujian berbakul2 hehe, but sometimes I forget the beauties in life..

Abang kata, takpela hari ni bad performance supaya esok ada ruang for improvement.
Ummi kata, tak apelah boleh cuba lagi
Allah kan uji hamba yang Dia sayang untuk tambahkan keimanan
Dan kadang kita terlupa ilmu itu milik Allah, no matter how hard you have tried, and you still don’t own it, it is His right, to lend it to anybody that He wills..

Rasa sedih, kecewa, dan tewas dicipta supaya kita dapat merasai keindahan dalam mengharap kepadaNya, ketenangan dalam meyakini taqdirNya, kepuasan dalam mencapai cita-cita

And I am glad I chose tahajud over the case writeup Alhamdulillah :)

Oh well, it's crap again!

The sun finally returns, bringing along the cheerful rays, Alhamdulillah for that (although at times it can be extremely hot that it burns!!) And it’s the craving for ice creams again. Currently enjoying the sickening green choc chip mint ice cream, I’m longing for a place called home. That’s 1 thing I really enjoy- eating ice creams while lazing around in the house. How extremely unproductive other than few pounds added here and there under the skin. It has been 2 weeks since I last went back, and absolutely I yearn for another trip back to KL

Trying to wipe out the memory of an unfinished business- it’s the recurrent diagnosis of Case write-up procrastination. Friday is the limit, and yet I haven’t started working on it. My on-calls tomorrow!! I am searching hard for the scent of trouble huu. Really can’t possibly wait for graduation to become a housewife (huu don’t MBBS graduates to become a doctor??) –shutting my eyes shut- don’t bother to wake me up to face the nightmarish reality.

Am closely watching my weight in suspense as well haha, for I make a big improvement by taking perfect meals nowadays.. Abang is unshakably determined to set his eyes on me and make a close and strict monitoring- for the diet, and for the weight gain of course. I am still trying to adapt to the fact that my hubby really wants his wife to be plump haisyy- it kinda spell trouble for me huuu.

We don't go to the ward that much this week. Had a whole day of Rehab teaching on monday, a whole day of Occupational Therapy & Physiotherapy on wednesday, a whole day of Basic Orthopedic Skill Workshop on Thursday.. But the feeling to just get done with Ortho is still there.. It's not the Ortho thingy, but it's the holiday thingy huu. I desperately need the 2-weeks holiday haissyy..

The current hot topic is scholarship. Seems like everybody is having an anxiety attack, speculating when will the JPA scholarship be available. Haissyy again... Will turn 23 tomorrow insyaAllah hahaha glad that I'm only 23 when most of my buddies are horrifyingly staring at the figure 24 ngee~ But age is just another method of measuring when what matters most are your iman and amalan and taqwa.. I don't know why do I have to write these useless things here anyway, but oh-well I forgot that I enjoy rambling so much~~~

I wonder why am I not flourishing in all aspects.. Do I live as a good muslimah?? I'm doubting the fact...

I need a second helping of the ice cream!!!

What cud be more gedik than that??

The happy news is... kakak is now pregnant!!!!! We are all extremely excited.. for the arrival of the first baby in our family. Basically because my youngest bro was born when I was 7 years old, so I have no experience taking care of a baby before. Asma' was excited asking me to confirm the pregnancy JUST by palpating the pulse (hahaha ingat ni cerita kuingfu cina ke?? rasa pulse terus dpt diagnose pregnancy). And the 3 of us girls had a giggly girl talk.. and I was called to do an abdominal examination gahh of course it was not palpable, my dear. It's only 1 month!! I started planning my schedule next year (after calcualting her LMP/ due date of course), to go back home every week throughout her pueperium (because she must be staying at home during that time) undeniably, I'll be more interested in the baby rather than the mum herself hahaha.

And Yasir? Being the youngest one, he wholeheartedly rejects the gelaran "Ayah cu" or "Pak Su". Instead he happily opts for "FATHERLY CU". Euwww how much more disgusting can it be??

Secondly, a best friend of mine is also pregnant. Tahniah Ijatku sayang!!!!

Today is Wednesday. Had grand round at the ward today. Followed my mentor's clinic afterwards. By now I very nearly become nonviable out of gratefulness.. My groupmates won't hesitate to agree that we have the best mentor (i have only one mentor after all haha). Reason? We have teaching almost every day. I think that's worst than Ryle's tube feeding, that is practically a TPN (Total Parenteral Nutrition)!!! But still I am not flourishing ortho-ly, wonder what's wrong..

Truth is, I don't know why do I miss Athiq so much (should there be any question about that? huh. As if missing a husband's presence is the biggest miracle on earth haha). Tomorrow marks the 2nd month of our separation.. huu miss him damn much... (tears..tears...) I don't know how many times have I read and reread and reread the birthday card that he sent (although my birthday will be 8 days from now) and never feel bored of doing it. And even put it beside my pillow, so that I can have a look at it every now and then (very frequently indeed haha). He was quite busy with the tourism thingy during his hol, and now he'll be busy in the ward (I'm saying this while imagining that I have 25 FREE hours per day). He'll again be busy this weekend.. aiyaa my hubby is very busy huuuuu... no wonder I miss him so muchhhhh..................................................

I'm trying hard not to write in a melancholic mood. But truth is, I am. (symptoms of mogok??). Luckily a news leave me in an extremely happy state :D will later tell what is it (I am menumpang kegembiraan orang this time around), though I still think of Abang endlessly..

Batul, pergila baca Quran!!!!!

Now I'm discussing the weather

The extremely cold weather has cruelly taking its toll on me.. I'm succumbing to akinesia with hypofunctioning of the cerebrum and become bed-ridden, now I've started to worry for the appearance of bed sores.. How glad I am that this mahallah cubicle is very small thus eliminating any possibility of having to move around to do things- everything is practically within reach~ from the bed!! Hahaha. You step out of the bed only to find yourself standing on the sejadah. Extremely practical indeed! :D Abang said I'm lazy. I say, Abang, you are SOO TRUEEE!!! Currently I'm trying to work out on how can I read the big Miller textbook while lying supine huuu, sure it'll compress my abdominal organs. Haisyy

I shouldn't feel so at ease (Really I am not) when I haven't even finished the case writeup- have been procrastinating since last weekend and now I'm regretting huu. Moving out is also an issue on this rainy day, whoaa.. I'm addressing the most basic issue- laziness. My patient is another issue; failed to check out on her yesterday (was not in driving mood due to the chronic rain), definitley I've no other options today- ya ya hosp here I come.

Hasan Basri Rahimahullah said

"I've never seen a certainty closer to being doubted than people versus death (They are certain it will strike them, yet, they ignore its imminence). I've never seen truth that is closer to falsehood than that demonstrated by their statement, 'We seek paradise', yet, they ignore seeking their path"

I take the opportunity to snuggle under the comforter, this 'wintery' dawn with Pink-chan. It's the final quarter of the year, and rainy season has started to set in, which obviously raise the controversial issue of doing anything fruitful when hibernation seems to be the only rational activity huu. I don't feel comfortable walking in the hospital when my shoes happily play the role of a water basin, and compliantly contain the rainwater in them huu, nor do i feel glad to stay in the strongly air-conditioned lecture halls when my clothes are all wet, since I fear freezing to death. But that's life I guess~
I'm openly brooding over a family trip to Melaka this weekend (I'm the only one being left out because of the tight schedule gahh. Really should do something to take off my mind from it). Pondering back upon it, yep it was a hectic week. With my seminar on wednesday (Alhamdulillah presented :D), my on calls on thurs n fri, And as for the weekend, I'm planning to move out form the hostel huu.. Someone PLEASE give me a break!
Studying is another big issue. My depression is obviously not on a sliding scale as I journey along the path of Ortho.. the more classes I attend, the more teachings I obediently follow, the more BHT I read, the MORE I realize my mind is empty of the precious jewel called knowledge. I was asked in the ward round regarding the lower limb (of course I failed to answer), went back and study vigorously on lower limb, expecting to vomit out everything in the next session, but it turned out that I was asked on the upper limb (hand) the next day. Then it was vigorous study on upper limb, only to be asked on pelvic anatomy n fracture the next day. Ahhh!!!!! Demotivated sometimes, but I know that there is no such thing as giving up huuu. Logbook is not progressing much, which adds up to the burdenful stress huu. I guess the greatest motivation that I have are the ortho text books that Abah have bought for me and posted by Ummi to Kuantan. Graduating in 1.5 years???? That seems a bit too far-fetched, what type of doctor will I be?? Haihh macam tak competent je.
Abang has started his 2 weeks holiday (Raya Haji) ,he must be feeling very lonely and missing me much (aishh perasan la pulak haha). He wants to come back very badly, but being a cruel wife, I....... advised against it huu.. 1st thing the ticket is not cheap, secondly it's only a 2 week holiday, 3rdly, I'm quit busy with Ortho (nanti abang sedih asyik kna tunggu sorang2 huu, and I'll feel sad tak dpt bg layanan istimewa kat abang), 4thly................... The conclusion is I will celebrate Eidul adha without abang.. that makes me feel a bit sad but tolerable insyaAllah as I think I won't do much other than redeeming the lost sleep.. How I really miss him...

In response to Hana Insyirah's

Despite the sleepy aura that is enveloping me, following the last night on call, I still have the urge to write my personal say in response to Hana's article..

On my 1st day of Forensic posting, we got a case- my very 1st case; of a newly married 26 year old man who died (the cause was eventually found) of Acute Myocardial Infarct. Initially I wasn't aware of his NEWLY MARRIED status, when I asked a colleague, "Dia ni single ke?" When death is being dealt with, the 1st thing that comes to my mind is, "Agaknya apa yang ruh dia tgh buat skrg?". Secondly, "How do the loved ones react to this death?"

"Ya Allah Maryam, dia ni BARUUU JEE kahwin," a friend answered in a very dramatic way. "BARUU JE SEBULAN". I nodded. I was undoubtedly surprised, very surprised indeed. And I was not abnormal when the first thing that I thought of was- Athiq. I peeked through the window at the counter, to identify the relatives. Of course, I was trying to search for the wife. She could nowhere be seen. I only smiled at his parents. I inhaled a very deep breath and tried to relax, and asked this friend regarding the wife. Yes, she was present at the mortuary, her fingernails were still red with henna. I looked at my own hands, the fingernails were not red, and there were no engagement and wedding rings. Although I dislike colouring my fingernails red, and even further dislike wearing any jewelleries, suddenly I wanted to wear the rings very badly, the rings that Athiq bought for me himself, and feeling the serenity in knowing that I still have him, and I could still enjoy his love and care, and that he's still available for me to share my life with, and that he could still acknowledge and respond to my feelings.

Death is not an uncommon topic between a couple I guess, when Athiq likes to bring up this topic between us for an open discussion. For some reason, he likes to say that he thinks he'll die before I die (maybe he depends on the statistic that women lives longer than men due to the protective oestrogenic effect enjoyed by women). And that he's worried how will I cope (I guess he thinks I'm such a dependent lady, and that I'll definitely be a PSY patient should I face a death of my loved ones huuu). Ayat yang dia suka guna, "Ayang, nanti kalau abang pergi dulu, ayang jangan hidup dalam memori lama.. Ayang kena teruskan kehidupan, cari pasangan lain yang dapat bahagiakan ayang dan didik anak2 kita.." Me, as usual would turn 2 deaf ears to him huu, lest a Tsunami of tears would surely create a bizarre scenario. (I'm about to cry now, remembering these lines huu..). My usual answer, "OKAY" huhuuu.

If you are to consider between death and complete paralysis (you have to read hana's article hehe), obviously life would be choosen over death. But do you know whether in 4 years or 5 years taking care of such diasabled person, the same decision will be made again and again? I can't say, because I don't know, because I have never gone through that situation.. But generally a women is more caring.. sayang kat husband walau teruk macamana keadaan pun, tp a husband I personally think lebih cenderung untuk tinggalkan isteri and kahwin lain.

I never feel bored to bombard Athiq with Qs such as
"Abang, kalau ayang takde anak, abang nak kawen lain ke?"
"Abang, kalau ayang cacat, abang nak kawen lain ke?"
"Abang kalau satu hari nanti ayang sakit, abang akan tinggalkan ayang ke?"
"Abang, kalau ayang dah gemuk and tua and tak macam skrg physically, abang akan cari isteri yg muda ke?"
"Abang....." and all sorts of similar questions.. He usually tries not to answer, saying that I always have this negative thinking. By my own definition this is not pessimism, but rather a futuristic anticipation huuu (abang mesti tak setuju ni!)

The thing is, Allah always know what is best for us, and I really like to believe that ALLAH WILL NEVER TEST US WITH SOMETHING THAT WE ARE NOT CAPABLE OF FACING.. Dulu orang selalu tanya, boleh ke duduk jauh and kahwin ni? I said I didn't know because it was something that I had never faced before, but now I know.. And in such times, Allah will always guide you to go through it.. And if you strictly believe that this world is nothing but a mirage.. then you'll fnd the ease of heart that u have been searching for all this while.... insyaAllah

Following the forensic case, I searched hard for the things that will happen to the dead. I found out that there are few hadith Rasulullah telling us that the dead do listen to the livings..

but still, I humbly feel, to look at a paralysed person smiling face is much better than pouring out your kerinduan on a gloomy grave to a silent listener..

Ummu Ameer's Ortho News

I'm now about to enter my 3rd ortho day, trying to picture a not-so-bright immediate future within 12 weeks from now.. err hoping to see a flicker of light at the end of the tunnel? huu.. my only motivation is the slowly approaching 2-weeks holiday at the end of the posting huhuuuuu. I guess the start wasn't as bad as had being told before.. and the fact that the ortho pillars (the great Doctors) are mostly very fartherly and helpful brighten the prognosis by few percents.. though I don't know how will the transformation take place during exam when exacerbated by our stutterings, blocked thoughts and blank minds...

Tiring? A bit, when I came back from the hospital at around Maghrib even on the 1st 2 orientation days.. Well it was our fault as well, as the 10 of us clerked 1 patient TOGETHER! How our mentor laughed at that, imagining 10 medical students (erk there were 11 of us!! since wani is actually a 2 in 1 person hehe with the baby cosily tagging her around) hovering over a timid 12 yer old boy.. It's the spirit of togetherness I'm sure :) hopefully it'll remain till the end of the posting, when all of us can leave for good; WITHOUT a TCA (To come again), and leave not with just a pass, but with a body of ortho knolwedge competent enough to be applied in practise.

Huu it's the logbook-filling thingy again!!! Looking forward something today :p...........................................

But I do miss Abang very badly, as bad as the IIUM wireless internet connection huu because I am now feeling unsure of whether the connection is really there for us... yep, I spend more time to connect, only to be automatically disconnected immediately.....................................

The Dr told us to increase our knowledge 10% per week. Thus 100% in 10 weeks. 1 week consists of 5 working days, thus 2% per day. but the rate of loss??? a simple mathematical calculation indeed!!

Just one more day!

Just 1 more day before Forensic posting will end.. And I can't patiently wait for that day... I really have to admit the gigantic regret towards the finishing holiday.. ahh life is so tiring that sometimes you forget to inhale a deep and refreshing breath..
I have my own share of bad smell, nausea and vomiting in the mortuary, a fair share in braving traffic jams and not to forget, the haunting nightmares, waking up crying during the night only to make Athiq feel stress huuu (the only irony is my increasing appetite!!)
Being in the mortuary isn't something any sane human would dream of or worst; die for... (uh-uh we-ll, as a matter of fact, one really 'DIE FOR' a mortuary haha when one can only get into the mortuary once he/she is dead). But on the other end, I have to admit that I learnt a lot. First, I learn to pray hard that my body will not be investigated and post-mortemed. Second, I think hard of what happen after death...and feel... afraid? Just imagine when you are in the autopsy room (the room where post-mortems are carried out), a dead body laid on a steel bed, before your very eyes... and you start to wonder.. What is the ruh doing? Does the ruh look at the body from above? Can the dead hear us? Can they understand? Macamane keadaan dia dihadapan Allah? Gembirakah? Sedihkah? Adakah mereka ingin kembali ke dunia dan beramal..? endless questions... And when these questions are haywiring in the brain just like neurotransmitters during seizure... you start to reflect upon your own life.. What have I done in the almost 23 years of my life? Have I done enough? Am I prepared to leave this world to meet my creator? Do I feel my life is meaningful..? Do I regret the way I treat my loved ones? I don't know... I'm in such a bizarre state of mind........................

A surprise love letter for Athiq :) (silalah Athiq je yang baca ok)

I really want you to smile like this.. always :)

Saja upload gambar abang , masak ikan bakar during the previous ramadhan..

Kata ayah, "Kita dan Hawa semakin jauh terpisah bukan kerana jarak, tetapi kerana memori Hawa terhadap kita yg semakin hari semakin hilang"

Nenek membalas, " Tidak. Kamu salah. Kasih Hawa pada kita bukan seperti air sungai yang mengalir lalu hilang di muara. Kasih Hawa pada kita bukan seperti air hujan yang turun ke bumi meresap ke tanah lalu terus hilang, Tapi kasih Hawa pada kita bagai sang mentari yang sentiasa bersinar terang si siang hari. Dan pabila malam, ia memancarkan sinar melalui bulan dan bintang-bintang"

Everytime I come back home, Ummi surely would be following a new drama. And now it's the Puteri Bunian. (Those who watch the movie must be familiar with the dialogue hehe). And me? As usual, terpengaruh haha.

Athiq, when I listened to that dialogue, immediately I was reminded of you.. Sometimes I think that's how u perceive things between us.. right?

Athiq,
My love to you are neither limited by distance, nor growing dimmer with separation. It's not measured by how often we talk to each other. It's not fading as I get busier. It's not diminishing by our memories that keep moving farther from us (unless 1 day I get Alzheimer and can't even recognize you huu). I know you miss my presence, miss my touch, miss my cooking, miss my jokes (ayang pernah buat joke ke??), miss staring at my cute face (uhukss sorry terangkat bakul sendiri), miss my 'daily sermon' (i really should learn to stop giving 'sermon'), miss my crying (eventhough abang tak pandai nak pujuk, thus resorted to merajuk bersama-sama and ended in me pujuk abang!! haha), miss my attention, .... And especially rindu utk disuap makan lagi!! Abang, abang.. abang ni memang la sangaaaatttt manja (tapi abang kata aku gedik.. huu tak patut sungguh!!) . Tapi abang kena belajar berdikari hidup sendiri kat sana. Abang asyik stress pasal pergi ward, stress pasal internet tak elok, stress sebab laptop hang, stress sebab rumah takde air, stress sebab letih kemas rumah DAN SEBAGAINYA.. sebenarnya Abang nak cakap kat ayang yang abang memang tengah sangat stress, tp not because of the reasons that you gave, but because I'm not with you..kan? kan?

Athiq, eventhough I don't know how to be romantic, I'm not that dumb to not understand the things that you are trying to tell. But you have to be patient in waiting for the brighter days that are yet to come.. and as for the meantime, be STRONG and let the spirit of jihad blazing big and bright in you.. I know you are strong, but there's no harm in reminding again and again, isn't it? Hehe

And you can freely ask Ummi what have I done with regards to the coming Jordan trip (ngeh3)

And for your love that you have allowed me to cherish and enjoy... this poem is dedicated to you, my love...............

If ever two were one, then surely we.
If ever man were lov'd by wife, then thee (you).
If ever wife was happy in a man,
Compare with me, ye woman, if you can.
I prize thy(your) love more than whole mines of gold,
Or all the riches that the east doth(does) hold.
My love is such that rivers cannot quench,
Nor ought but love from thee(you) give recompence.
Thy(Your) love is such I can no way repay;
The heavens reward thee(you) manifold I pray.
Then while we live, in love let's so persever,
That when we love no more, we may live ever.
-Anne Bradstreet-