Followers

Thursday

Exam will be this coming monday.

Did the antenatal checkup yesterday, paid a good amount to have the 3D pic of Ameer, alhamdulillah we got a peek view of him.. but I was left blank not knowing muka macam sapa haha, but surely he's chubby. Yang sangat pasti hidung dia kembang. Ikut sape ntah :p Ummi kata macam hidung amoi piyah!!! Things are not going on very well inside the tummy, but still Alhamdulillah for His bounty..

But there goes my dream to go to Jordan, nobody want to issue a medical clearance for me.. As for now I'm pathetically waiting for abang's return huhuhuuu..

Allah knows how much I want to give birth to him, the contractions are giving me severe discomforts, and his tiny legs are poking me hard (this is most painful!!!) , and my back is screaming for some justice, it is really painful :(

And Allah knows how much I want him to stay longer, gets stronger and gain more weight in the womb! He's now Alhamdulillah 2.2kg -smile, smile, smile- :D

I dream of getting an electric wheelchair huuuuu

Piyah has started on her weaning diet!! And I haven't met her for more than 1 month, that's how long I haven't gone home huuu....

Above averything else, I want abang, abang and abang!

Sunday

I've been contemplating for quite some time
And I've been pondering over my life lately
I got caught in the web of confusion
I try to imagine the hectic HO life yet adequately paid, and wonder how satisfying everything is
I try to taste the sweetness of victory.. perhaps for those who have just received the title of a Dr
I try to picture a life so carefree
And I try to put on the shoes of those who are needy
I try to search for sakeenah that has long gone
And I talk to those who are suppled with wisdom
And I came across this poem that extremely depicts me:
Do not doubt I love you, eventhough
My actions may have undermined my word
We could be as connubial as birds
Had I not led my wild longings show
I cannot help wanting to devour
All the world that comes before my eyes
But more than all the world is that which lies
Within the precious circle of our bower
I'll do anything to keep you with me
our love will last as long as you have will
Despite my untamed need, my love is still
A rock against the surges of the sea

And I came across a song to which I shed tears
I am now a decided person :)

Friday

Birthday Mommy???!!

Tak sangka pulak the pevious post gave rise to few controversies huuu. Ada yg bg motivasi, ada jugak yg menempelak haihh, but thank you to those responses and responders regardless of their nature huu. Being me, of course i can just be blunt, but truly I learn.. as how I always like to put it, as I walk through life, I like to collect and keep those things that are useful, and I can just discard the things that I don't need :D Abang kata dia kurang jadi panas baran sebab terpengaruh with my way haha.

It's a habit I guess to complain. I am dramatic most of the times, but truth is not as bad as that :D a fact that is too familiar to abang, so don't worry that much hehe. For example extending my study, it is such an impossible feat to be accomplished haihh. In UIA, we don't have such thing I guess. And I nearly complete 3 out of 5 postings, so I don't have any other option but to move on :p Abang is the jack-of-all-trades, really. After we got married, abang dealt with the university transfer, and he got it. I received an offer letter to join JUST, sraightaway entering Year 4. I am the dumb one really, I didn't even know how to deal with JPA so the opportunity went down the drain. I was called to the Dean's office when JUST faxed the letter to UIA, they were curious as never in the IIUM history such thing happened before huu. And then he dealt with the univ regarding my elective, I don't know how he did it, but I managed to have a holiday during my elective, and graduated with an evaluation form written 'a good student, eager to learn bla.. bla". And then abang requested for marriage leave from his univ, and currently he requests for the paternity leave. I REALLY and REALLY wonder how can he do such absurd things huuu, but that's abang. I think he really knows how to deal with things. And sekarang abang gelak2 je sindir, saying "Nak tangguh HO pun tak tahu prosedur, ada hati nak tangguh belajar!!!" haha. Yelah, isteri abang ni tak pandai buat apa2 huu. But the fact that I am really deprived of the mood to study is for real :(

Complaining to abang all the time? Oh that's a must! And if you wonder, what do I complain and nag and whine about every single day, my answer would be, "Nothing much. Hari2 aku nangis2 cakap rindu kat abang" And he complains about the same thing to me, so I guess it's fair and square, we are equal :p

So back to the real topic, I didn't even remember that today is my birthday until I received a bunch of messages wishing me a happy birthday huuu. And it didn't hit me that hard as everybody was just saying "Happy Birthday" until abang wished me "Salam ulangtahun sayang yang ke 24....[cont]". What?? 24?? Am I that old? huuuuuu, terasa tak best plak birthday ni huuu.

Wednesday

Immensely mundane complain

The worst mood I can ever imagine.. if suddenly I get a phone call from the university office asking me, "Maryam, do you want to postpone your study? We are ready to grant your wish" I won't be needing another second to make a decision. yep, that is what i am seriously thinking right now.. to extend my study.. awful and awful. Professional exam is just around the corner, and I can't feel the aura.. worse is most of the times I think I don't want to care, the only thing I want is for May to arrive and hey presto! Off to be with abang for good huhuu.

Sape yang paling kesian? Abang. Why? Because I nag and complain and cry to him every single day. Batul, it's NEW YEAR!!! He's having his hectic specialized 2-week postings and I guess that adds up to the burden haissy. Plus, he's busy during the weekend... kesian abang and yet I can't control myself.. Abang told me that he used to be a bad tempered person before marriage, but he claimed to be a different person now that he's a husband... No wonder about that... because he get such an annoying cry baby wife huu. Yes he rarely (extremely rare) raises up his voice.. but I feel guilty (padan muka diri sendiri) :( When I think of going to his place, I want him to be around all the time.. I don't even want him to attend class huu. Nak jadi possessive macamane lagi??? Well, i think that's quite true, when I was around, abang went out to play at midnight, after I've fallen asleep. Speaking of being left alone, i even cried when he went to the mosque huuu. Absurd~ Tapi kena tinggal lama kat malaysia boleh pulak? not left with any other option I guess. Oh God, he's going to be a houseman after all!!! Why and why and why do i behave this way?? [fatrah geram dengan diri sendiri]

I have to ask baby Ameer, nanti nak duduk kat jordan tak?? :p Tapi kalau daddy busy, kita tinggal berdua je la huhuu

InsyaAllah I'll be moving out soon. I think staying in the hostel gives me a not-so-good environment.. less opportunity to have life, PLUS more time to whine, and the pathologic internet connection which means more opportunity to disturb abang huhuu. And seriously thinking of starting baking again, as if I don't have enough things in my hands... until before the baby arrives insyaAllah. Probably encouraged by the cafe owner who keeps asking me when will I send my cakes...sehinggalah naik segan nak beli kat cafe dia huu. And because I can't think of better things to do... and yet the exam is around the corner! Well, if you have been dragging your whole body to complete the whole medic affair for the past 5 years, another 5 months do feel like 5o years.. :(

They'll be flying to Sarawak (and i miss another wedding) this weekend,
And abang will sit for his Anaes exam tomorrow.. may Allah help you, abang..
And another hectic weekend for him..
Guess I'm head over heel in love with you abang, so i'll be missing you much!
And I am for uncountable times, stuck here....

Tuesday

I can b extremely lumpy at times!

It was 2 something in the m0rning, and I had just woke up, after some wonderful dreams :D Then the tummy started to rumble, oh the aura of gastritis, giving me a warning of what's coming. I looked down at it, suddenly it moved and wriggled, I was alarmed, what was that???!! and kept staring on for almost a minute... (the first thing that came to mind was, "A big snake in me??" Penangan baca Mastika huu) then I realize, oh I forgot that I have Ameer inside me huu. I dreamt of Abang & me, not in a preggie state haha... and I guess I got carried away..

Saturday

Speaking about compliance

Yesterday I bought nasi goreng kampung + fried egg + ikan keli for dinner. I used to enjoy those foods, but last night I ate onlya quarter and threw away the rest.. The appetite just wouldn't cooperate.

I can be the least compliant patient any doctor can find. During the last antenatal checkup, Ameer's parameters were a bit worrying to me.. his abdominal circumference corresponded to his age of 29 weeks, but his other parameters were that of 32 weeks gestation... Being a paranoid medical student, I started to think of asymmetrical IUGR (intrauterine growth retardation), and the worst was, I felt guilty.. then I started to think of the anemia that I'm having, and my poor nutritional intake.. is it affecting Ameer?

First I can' take the iron (ferrous fumarate), because I'll start throwing up once I take it. So I stopped taking it once I entered 2nd trimester. Then recently Ummi bought me Iberet (ferrous sulphate) which should produce less GI effects such as nausea vomiting, because my hemoglobin (Hb) has progressively dropped to 9. Worse, Iberet also induced vomiting :( so i took one tablet only.

last week, once I got back from the antenatal checkup with that worrying finding (the Dr wasn't worried at all huhuu), I took the 2nd tablet huu, and ended having nausea and vomiting, then I slept with an empty stomach, and woke up in the middle of the night, vomit again due to gastritis plak huu. and I skipped the class next morning.. abang told me to avoid taking the iron tablet but to eat red meat, kerang and such to increase the Hb. The problem is, I don't have the appetite to eat rice + lauk huuuu. Sometimes I do cry because I feel so stressed throwing away my meal all the time. The irony is, I can eat cakes and biscuits and crave for them!! Abang pulak asyik suruh mkn kek rather than not eating anything, but cake is not nutritious! What a dilemma

When you are pregnant, you really do something for the sake of the baby. If I'm not pregnant, I won't worry this much, in fact I won't worry a bit to substitute my rice with cake for each meal huu (except that I'll get cardiovascular diseases later in life haha). And I actually have lost some weight lately.. I don't even need to wait until delivery :( Probably I should buy the supplement Neurogain which they sell in the clinic huuu...

Thursday

My other half.. mngarut apa lagi ni??

I took this pic when one day, I noticed abang using the jubah as a plate to put some sort of muruku, while concentrating on the laptop screen.. I called him, snapped the picture and threatened to put it in the blog, while sighing "Kenapa abang letak makanan atas baju????"
He just grinned..
And yet..
How I miss that grin
how I miss that smile
and oh how I miss to see him laughing again
and listen to that cheery note in his words..
I simply miss every single thing about this man!

Bila tgk org ramai2 kahwin, rasa nak kahwin dengan abang lagi. Nak kahwin berulang (1000x) kali dgn abang, knowing that insyaAllah it's a decision that i'll never regret :). abang, jom kawen!

Wednesday

Antenatal checkup

I'm resorting to this blog because I have nothing better to do.. or rather I can't think of anything better to do.. Blurr sgt3.. It's 12am by the way..
Alhamdulillah, I've finished my presentation for Paeds; the seminar & PBA. And today, I went for my antenatal checkup after a lapse of 2 months huu. The nurse asked, "Checkup awak yg terakhir bulan 9?????" And I had to produce a stupid grin..plus a bit of explanation huu.

Wanted to do the 3D/4D scan.. but Ameer was facing my back, and furthermore, he covered the face with his hand..how unfortunate! saje je Ameer ni huu. Bukan apa, I just want to have an idea of whose look he's going to take after..muka abang atau me?? Haruslah baby boy mengikut muka abang hehe although I desperately want my babies to look like me ngeh3 (ehemm [clearing the throat] i'm not commenting on abang's handsomeness or any such things.. it's just that the idea of mother-baby look alike seems fun :p abang will always look handsome to me insyaAllah even when he develops thousands of wrinkles 1 day hehe)

Well the Dr asked me to poke and push the baby here and there so as to change his position but I didn't think much can be done , as have been said before... it's really stuffy and crampy in there huu. But his weight is now 1.4kg Alhamdulillah, an excellent performance so far, Ameer!

Tapi Ameer ni sangatlah selalu tersedu-sedu huu. Interesting huh to note that a mother can really differentiate the in utero movements..? :D It's an amazing discovery for me as well. I know when he kicks, when he stretches, when he turns his body.. and definitely when he has hiccups! When the Dr was doing the scan, she suddenly smiled and said "He's having hiccups, can you feel that?" I said "Yes, selalu sangat2!" She just laughed and said "Orang tua tua kata, budak sedu bagus" and I replied, "Bagus supaya cepat besar ke? Hahaha"

I have another checkup this monday, and I hope Ameer will be just fine.. just fine..

Sunday

I do have a big problem

Entering 3rd trimester, the sinister monsters in the first trim have evilly started eyeing on me haisyy..especially the bloating. it's geting worse nowadays, now i start to miss my 2nd trim huu. but my big problem is, it seems like eating rice induce nausea..again huuu. i rarely can finish my proper meal, and i only have it once a day. but.. my bigger problem is.. it seems like i crave for secret recipe cake everyday huu or even fruit juice beverages... which are SWEET :( this is bad news..for my pancreas..and absolutely bad news for our Ameer.. malnutrition la pulak nanti huuu. for the time being i still try hard to be nutritious, but i know i'm losing the battle :(

after 1 whole day of doing nothing yesterday (other than listening to talks of course), perhaps i should work out something today..

Saturday

It's getting crampy

I'm talking of his swimming pool, I think the size is progressively becoming inappropriately small for him huu.. and the result? He kicks me more! Haisyy. He's cephalic now (head down position) and I hope he will stay that way, I doubt that he can turn back anyway huu. My abdomen doesn't look that big, but it feels very compact uh-uh, which really makes me wonder whether the liquor is adequate..
I haven't attended antenatal checkup for 2 months (unfortunately the hospital admission fell on my checkup date), which results in me not getting my 1st ATT yet, and I'm 29 weeks pregnant! Huuu. Inilah medical student :( I can't wait to have another scan on 6th Dec, I'm excited to know his weight!

Today I attended a programme "What's next?" It's a programme to enlighten us on the route we should take after graduating. Alhamdulillah it was a beneficial one, and it provided me with answers which I have been searching for all these while. The key to success is planning, and up to date, I'm still not sure what to do after housemanship. I mean of course I have to work to serve the JPA bond huhu, but I will to my best not opt for the chronic MO status huu. I try to search within me, what do I like best? It seems like nothing is outstandingly interesting other than biostatistic, how lame and nerdy does that sound? But the downside of it, which is losing my clinical skill is making me uncomfortable. Haissy. I'm also kind of interested in O&G, but the thought of smelling liquor and doing VE for the rest of my life is not that convincing as well huu. Ortho? totally out. Paeds? It gives me nightmares looking at those poor little things.. knowing a sick child can really make you cry.. IM? I can never properly detect a murmur or listen to a fine crept. Surgical-based? I don't need a hectic life with long hours of standing (standing during the ward round is enough to make me insane that I always imagine myself doing round using an electric wheelchair, now don't force me to stand for hours in the OT!), no thanks. Haissy... Making decision is definitely not easy, just how can I plan????

My long term plan- to graduate MBBS and rest for a while :D And I'm feeling contented with it hehe

Yesterday, I visited Nurul's baby in the ward :) Alahai comelnya baby boy tu, 2.8kg :D Boleh kawan dgn Ameer nanti k.

Friday

updates on 3rd trim :D

It's friday 19th November 2010, and today Ameer turns 28 weeks! (Today my groupmates; Imah and Hafidz are getting married too! congratulations to both of them) ALHAMDULILLAH :) Dah besar dah Ameer ye, but the best part is when he is being very responsive nowadays :D I'm currently enjoying my holiday till Sunday, and Ameer usually get extra attention when I'm on hol, because i get to read storybooks to him hehe. I usually start by choosing a storybook whch I am interested to read (haha, seems like reading to Ameer is just an excuse for mommy!),then I'd call him by his full name, he will move. When I read, and he remains quiet, I usually will stop and ask, "Ameer, are you listening? Or you have fallen asleep?" Most of the time he will responds and give my tummy a nudge! That is so nice!!!! Now I really wonder, can a baby understand?? But why are born babies not as responsive as they are when in the womb? Weird weird and extra weird. Probably they are too busy trying to adapt to the worldly environment huh? Sunnatullah, and it is really amazing. Subhanallah Alhamdulillah Allahuakbar! Ameer, mommy is giving you another 10 weeks to grow big in the womb (he must at least reach the weight of 3kg before coming out! Ameen :D), then at 38 weeks old, please try hard to come out ok. *P/s Ameer takyahla duduk sampai 40 minggu :p mommy dah tak larat ni ngee~

Currently in the mood to shop for Ameer's books huuu. But books are not that cheap :( Abah still buy medical books for me, and I'm spending our money on books for Ameer. What a nice flow! Haha. Rasa nak grad cepat, nak duduk dengan abang, nak ajar ameer membaca, nak buat projek menjahit macam2, nak hias and kemas rumah, nak pergi melancong...nak jadi TETAMU ALLAH huuu banyaknya impian...!!

The downside of 3rd trimester is.. I feel extra tired (exactly like the 1st trimester huuuu). I feel like sleeping most of the time. okay okay this not laziness! This is for real. (tapi kenapa ada orang mengandung larat buat banyak kerja?? Berat2 pulak tu huuu) I crave for cakes- secret recipe to be specific. I think I can eat it everyday huu. And I can't carry Safiyya around that much. Having her on my lap is not comfortable either, since the tummy is big, and I'll end up feeling some discomfort and having difficulty in breathing. Yesterday she wanted to stand up so much, that I held her up in a standing position. She rested her feet on my tummy (I know that it looks and works perfectly well like a shelf or a step haha), then we asked her, "Haa safiyya pijak sape tu?? Safiyya pijak adik ni!!" hehehe. The abdominal wall is also itchy due to thinning process, i feel like scratching it all the time huu. Kakak asked whether I have started using the anti-stretch mark cream, but actually I've never thought of buying it before huu

Safiyya sleeps little but laugh much! And wants to be carried around all the time! Haissy this is not good huu. And she surely scratches a lot- garu semua tempat.. kalau abang tengok, mesti abang cakap, sebiji macam mommy! Because i have this habit of scratching eventhough it is not itchy and there is no visible lesion hehe. And abang keeps asking me "Ayang garu apa lagi tu? Gatal ke?" garu muka, mata, telinga, garu tangan semua lah, but it is not really scratching, it is more of a mild rubbing. But safiyya really scratches! sampai luka sana sini huu.

Monday

Stupid! Stupid! Sooo stupid!!!!!

We had class with our mentor Dr F today. The class should be on Friday but brought earlier, so that we can have a long nice holiday perhaps. I guess none of us was ready, it was such an ad hoc class, and the first short case class for paediatric. I was a bit nervous huhu. Each of us was nervous, I'm sure.
Finally the Dr arrived, I could at least feel relieved because there was no cerebral palsy patient in the ward, examining the nervous system was the last thing that i wanted. He brought us to a 16 year old male with cushingoid feature. A colleague had the honour to examine him, and I could see that he was surprised and not prepared. After some stumble and mumble from us to answer several questions, we finally moved to another patient.. and guess what? I was asked to examine the respiratory system..

An 11 year old girl who appeared healthy. Looking at her age, I moved to prop up her bed to 45 degree (that is what we do when examining an adult patient). Suddenly ,"Hey, what are you doing??!!!" Adoi dah kena tengking. "I want to prop up the bed to 45 degree" "Who teach you that?? Dalam buku mana?" Dr dah start marah2 haha. After few minutes of listening to him condemning hutchinson etc.. finally he asked me to proceed. This time around, i pulled the blanket. "You nak buat apa lagi ni????!!!!!!!!!!!!" kena tengking lagi. "I want to expose the patient, so to keep her modestry, i'd like to cover with the blanket..." "Sapa yg malu?? patient yang malu ke YOU yang malu??' I'd like to answer "both..." but i just kept quiet.. i could remember being extra shy at that age, a transformation age between a little girl and a teenager..with all the pubertal changes huu, and i could see that the patient was shy (if i were in her place i'd have cried huuu) but she acted tough, alhamdulillah. "Stupid, stupid, so stupid!!!" That was when i was smacked hard, but i remained smiling. i think i was actually grinning stupidly hehe. "Berapa kali dah i ajar you, dari 3rd year lagi, examine patient paeds as the patient is comfortable!!" Me (dalam hati jelah) "Paed was my first clinical posting 2 years ago, lucky if i can remember anything from paed huu"

My feeling at that time? Org bermuka tembok like me tentulah tidak berasa apa2, instead I was happy to learn something from a consultant as great as him. I remember that he once told us (when I was in year 3, now I actually remember something :p), during his time, 2 students attached to a specialist. He followed the specialist anywhere, and learnt clinical skills and gain knowledge from the specialist. It is totally different now, when many students attach to a lecturer, and most of the time, we do things on our own...

i felt like asking him, "Dr, can I attach with you? I really want to be great like you, I'd like to learn your clinical skills and everything else!!!" but I know he would just give a plain stare and perhaps.. another "Stupid!" huuu.

Luckily, the class today made me realize that I don't have much time to waste, 5 weeks of paediatric left. Now I'm willing to work hard insyaAllah :) But, raya first!!!!

Thursday

Hopefully Ameer will read this one day.. Today is 11th november 2010, and today Mama bought him a cute book, entitled "My first....". Sgt cute!!! Perhaps later I'll snap a picture and put it here, just so that it'll forever remain in our memory :)

This morning abang sat for his final exam before having 2 weeks holiday, although we are far apart, I'm feeling very happy :D because??? he will always be available hehe

Today is 13th November 2010, I don't have much too write, afteer 1 week of doing nothing paediatric-ky, I guess, I should start to focus uh-uh. This laziness is really debilitating, I can't do much when it's around, I get lazier and lazier by day huuu. Masuk paediatric semakin tak bersemangat... :(

Yetserday I weighed 58kg!!!! 14kg increase so far..this is definitely not a good thing huuu. Abang cakap, "Ayang lebih berat dari abang!!! Bolehlah ayang angkat abang lepas ni :D" Errrkkkkkkkk!!! Abang, ayang berat sebab ayang angkat baby lah + swimming pool baby huhu.

Seriously sangat malas!!!! Mengapakah?? Nak g ward pun malas.... :( Rasa nak tido sentiasa, ke banyak sangat syaitan yang hanging on to my eyelashes?? euww. Abang is enjoying his 2 weeks of holiday, and frankly I AM JEALOUS :(

Tuesday

I was warded since last night. Today is November 2010, and I'm so bored and alone in the ward. They have in total 10 beds, no curtain in between. Last night there was a kakak who accompanied me. A very nice lady who offered me almost everything...her food, her 3-in-1 milo, hot water etc. I just couldn't thank her enough. Luckily I brought some food from home and a bottle of mineral water, I've never imagined before that I'd eat thm up here huu. This morning another lady, a Chinese was admitted, was also in labour. I'm in the antenatal ward after all! First that kakak was wheeled into the labour room at around 8am, then the Chinese lady was wheeled in at around 12pm, and I was left completely alone. It is now 2pm, both of them had delivered their babies Alhamdulillah

We were on our way to Kuantan and had just passed a black MPV which skidded I guess, causing a short traffic jam. Subhanallah He knows best, not more than 10 minutes later, our Myvi spun few times and ended in a drain at KM 75.5. I guess it was the slipery after-rain road and perhaps going a bit over the speed limit. When it started to spun, the first word that I managed to shout was "Ya Allah" repeatedly. The first question that came to mind, "Is this how my life is going to end?" and my 1st concern was "Ameer, are you allright? Oh Allah, please don't let anything happen to him." The car was spinning fast, I saw the road, then I saw the trees on the road shouler, then I saw the smoke coming out of the engine I was scared but rational enough to crouch my body forward so that nothing will touch the abdomen huu. When the car stopped (and it was tilted with me a little bit on top and the driver's seat lower down because that side was in a drain) I shouted to Ah-long dude to get out fast. "Tak boleh buka pintu!" she whined. I tried mine and it was also stuck. So i rolled down my window, asked her to do the same and I jumped out of the window. At that time, I didn't even think of the possibility my abdomen get stuck haha. I jumped onto the grass. Just imagine, I was wearing a jubah, and when I jumped out, my legs were stuck in the jubah. I tried to stand up but fell down again, so finally I just rolled myself on the grass and partly crawling to get away from the car as fast as possible. I think when I was 3 to 4 metres away,only then ah long dude managed to come out. Even the pakcik who stopped by later said to ah long dude, "Kawan awak ni cepat betul dia keluar dari kereta" haha tak padan dengan mengandung

After some 10 minutes when the car appeared safe, somebody helped to take out our things. I reached for my hp, informed Abah and Abang. I didin't want to inform Ummi as I knew she would panic huuu

At that time, I was still very worried about Ameer. He was not moving (he moved actively just before the car spun). So i poked and poked him. Luckily among those who stopped their car awas a nurse in her 50s. she asked me whether there was any abdominal pain, I said no and she offered to take me to the nearest clinic. I asked her whether they have CTG, she said yes. I sat down to wait for the whole affair to settle down, and after 30 minutes, Ameer gave me his 1st kick. Well one can never imagine my feeling at that time.. Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah

Finally I asked the workshop people to send us to Hospital Bentong. I went straight to the screening room. By that time, my body has started aching, especially the left side of the neck where the seatbelt was initally placed. There was quite a huge swelling. After the nurse checked me, they asked of ah long's whereabout, to help me to register for ward admission. I was shocked

Masuk ward?? That was the last thing that I wanted, especially in the middle of nowhere. Siap tanya soalan bodoh, "Perlu ke?" and the nurse snapped at me "Perlu!". I knew best not to argue although my rebellious side yearned for a fight. I did all these for Ameer, May he be in the best of care, where continuous monitoring can be done and where help will always be available should anything happen

Then a Dr came and did a scan on Ameer, Alhamdulillah he was fine.. and guess what??? His parameter corresponded to the age of 27 weeks, memang la besar baby mommy n daddy ni :D

In the ward, I slept quite early and when they came to check on me and baby, it was like in a dream. I couldn't open my eyes and just let them do anything huu. I later realized that the nurses organized my things properly (earlier I just put my bag on the bed huu)

At around 2am, I couldn't sleep anymore because Ameer was too active and kicked me non stop huu. He was active up to 4 am. Plus my body was aching more and more. I smsed abang. Abang called me and we talked for some time, till subuh. After subuh I tried to get some sleep. At around 9.30 am another nice lady doctor came and checked on me. I asked when could I be discharged. She said at night. I didn't have any toiletteries with me. Abah was shceduled for flying that day. ummi asked me to get a taxi to Kuantan. my neighbours had visitors who brought them breakfast that morning.. and I cried and cried. I cried so badly that everybody (the doctor and nurses) made a fuss about it, mengada2 betul mommy nih. Dr asked me why did I cry, i said nothing. She thought I was upset when she said I could be discharged earliest that night. she said my hemoglobin is low. But she will try to discharge me that evening. Pastu mengadu kat Ummi and abang.. Pesan kat nurse mintk tolong belikan toiletteries, then she asked, "Awak takde sape2 ke kat sini?" I said No.. lg .. in the end the radicare auntie helped me to buy those things..mandi and gosok giig waktu nak solat zohor huuu. Nak sgt minum Milo (i'm the type of person who don't drink plain water at all) but I don't want to burden the radicare aunite and the nurses, so I just cried.. I think I cried for almost every single thing

At that time, i really hoped that abang would be around, I wanted to fly to abang and leave everything behind. Probably i should adopt the motto "life is tough, but I'm tougher" but apparently that didn't happen. The only things i did was to cry and break down huu

at around 3.30pm, they informed me that I could go home. As I had nobody around, they asked the PPK to settle down my hospital bill, and the nurse called the taxi, to bring me to the bus terminal. Abah called me at that time, but I was very upset, and I was crying some more. I had 2 big luggaegs with me plus my laptop bag, i just didn't know how to carry them along. Another problem was, there was no bus from Bentong to Kuantan. It is a very small bus terminal, they only go either to KL or Temerloh. In the first place I was thinking of going back to KL (I was given 4 days of MC), but then I would have to find a way to go back to kuantan later..what a fuss. So I was determined to take a bus to Temerloh, then change to another bus to kuantan. Suddenly when I was at the ticket counter, the ticket seller asked me where did I want to go.. I answered "Kuantan". She said it's ok, she would arrange it for me. So she called her friend (a driver of Transnasional bus) to pick me up at the terminal (his bus was not supposed to stop by at Bentong), and he said fine, since they still have empty seats.. Alhamdulillah, again He eased my journey.. That ticket seller was very kind, she even invited me to put my big bags in the ticket counter, since I had some 1 hour before the bus would arrive and I might wanted to go somewhere else.. Allah dah tolong banyak sgt3, semua jadi mudah, tapi masih nak bersedih2 huuu. So Ameer and me boarded the bus and at 10pm we arrived in Kuantan Alhamdulillah..

as for now, I'm using my MC to the most :D Attendance is important, but I guess my Ameer is much more important..I don't want to tire myslef too much, enough with the histry of prem contraction, the accident.. and now I just want to rest for few days and let Ameer grows healthily insyaAllah..

Sunday

Amoi Piyah

Amoi Piyah aka Safiyya Amani loves to read book nowadays! Tapi cara baca dia lain sket.. First she will sit in someone's lap, and a book will be opened before her.. Nobody needs to say anything, becuase in few minutes she will start reading it by herself (of course mulut dia bising la dlm bahasa yang tak difahami haha). She knows how to hold the book properly! And then her grip will get stronger and stornger.. In few seconds her lips will start to 'muncung' as if to kiss something, and she will hypersalivate (air liur start berbuih2 then melejer2 terus), and beware, in no time, she will pull the book closer, and her head lower down and........................Nyummm..... dia hisap buku tu!!!! I guess that's her only aim haha.

This morning amoi came to our house, and her mama brought her into our room. Maka ternampakla buku Ameer.. so we were excited to let her 'read' a book.. Nenek pun cakapla, "Eh Safiyya baca buku adik (Ameer)" and chup!! Safiyya imprinted something on it hahaha, tak sempat Ameer nak jilat2, Safiyya yg hisap2 dulu haha.

Cute sgt3 piyah ni!!!! I really shud ask the dad to snap some piccies of her while she's reading ! :D

Ni memang utk abang!

Abang, this is the bag that I've finished sewing this holiday, yg abang asyik tanya "Dah siap ke belum?", "Tgh jahit lagi ke?" haha, somehow I felt like mak, menjahit sampai lewat malam (till early morning actually :p)

I've finished packing Ameer's things, ready to go to the hospital anytime :D



The usual complain..

Today will be the last day of holiday..and tomorrow my Paediatric posting will start. Am still not in the mood for classes and wardwork, but I'm not offered with any other choice.. Will InsyaAllah go back to Kuantan this evening.

I really regret taking public transports like the other day when a friend dropped me in Gombak, and I had to board the train and metrobus to arrive home. it took me 2 hours to arrive from kuantan to gombak, and another 2 hours from gombak to my house huu, when the journey should be around 30 minutes only... I was carrying 2 large bags (which of course contained books) and a laptop bag (Alhamdulillah abang bought me a netbook instead of a laptop). I didn't mind taking the public transports before, but as now I'm carrying my big Ameer as well, and I don't want to overwork my burdened hardworking heart, it is indeed not a choice to be opted. Well, nothing is easy in life isn't it? At least I was so lucky to be able to sit instead of standing all the way :p A pregnant lady should always be offered a seat huh?

My next antenatal checkup will be tomorrow, after a free period of 6 weeks ^_^ surely I can't wait to see my Ameer :D I planned to do the 3D/4D tomorrow, but due to some reason it has to be postponed.

Speaking of being hardworking, I think the last exam was the worst in term of trying. (Of course it can't compare with my IM exam in which I was so sick to read the book huuu). I was really not in the mood for exam..simply because I think that life has nothing to offer haha. That was when I started to question my intention; how sincere do I do things for Allah, or do I do things to get worldly returns?? In sequent, my previous exams were Ortho, Specialized, IM and O&G. I went to Jordan after Ortho, I went to Jordan again after Specialized, abang was around after my IM exam..and next came O&G.. I was not going anywhere, and abang wasn't coming home, there was nothing interesting in store, except that I'd get a long break. It was way different in comparison to my 4th year, when I desperately wanted to pass my exams because I wanted to have my elective posting :p People love to say that I have hypothyroidism huuu because of my round-the-clock it's-ok attitude in such a lazy emotionless manner despite doing something very fatal huu.
Back to the pre-exam period, abang kept asking me, "Ayang cuak donut ke?" Cuak donut is the term that abang uses when he becomes so restless before the exam, so anxious etc. I said, "Not yet..." I waited and waited for that anxiety to set in but alas until the end of my exam, I think there were some technical diffculties in the emotional setting leading to me having a blunted affect. What did I do? I surfed and surfed the internet.. Actually I was so disturbed with something few weeks before the exam..and it was carried along until the exam huuu. So what I usually do (and usually make me feel happy :D) and, what I actually did was to surf the internet for Ameer's necessities and did some internet purchasing (since I can't shop for myself). Abang was the anxious one, asking me,"Tak ganggu exam ayang ke..asyik surf internet je..." I said, "takde mood.." So during this holiday I end up waiting for the parcels to arrive home huuu till the pos laju people said sambil tersengih2 "Hari hari ada bungkusan sampai ye". Ummi and me pun tersengih2 haha.
After 2 months without abang, I just can't stop missing his presence.. especially when I feel that abang is very busy carrying out his responsibilites in Jordan.. Alhamdulillah I have Ameer to play with, and someone to resort to when I feel so lonely, a companion whom I can read story books to...and at least it reminds me, although abang is not here, a part of him is in me (and it's kicking haha). A jihad is not easy indeed. But the reward from Him is far worth the effort.. May we be patient always..
Abang, you knocked on my door once, I opened it and let you in, that was the first time you imprinted something in my life, and it will forever stay in my heart. I love you so much!

Saturday

Tag juge...

Ummu Iffah tagged me.................... :)
kna beritahu 25 things about myself...
So here goes:

1. Saya pernah ditag dulu, tapi tak comply, so skrg cuba utk menurut perintah :p
2. Skrg tgh cuti...tapi 5 hari je :( tak puas... next posting will be paediatric
3. Saya SANGAT SUKA complain :D, tapi sbnrnya dalam hati saya SGT JARANG complain..slalu redha je, tp saje hobi suka2 bising2 complain hehe
4. saya ada habit yang dah cuba utk ditinggalkan lepas kawen tp masih tak berjaya: SAYA GILE SHOPPING :( (sampai abang pun dah susah nak nasihatkan, dah sebati dlm jiwa kot...)
5. Skrg abang jlnkan catuan beli baju kat saya selama 3 tahun :(
6. Demi menunjukkan kat abang yg baju taklah berapa banyak sgt.. saya dermakan 75% kot baju yg tak pakai huu...
7. Saya sedang belajar untuk menjadi zuhud, qanaah, tawaddhu'... sgt3 susah..
8. Berkahwin umur 23 tahun (tak sempat habis belajar pun ngeh3)
9. Pregnant umur 24 tahun (juga tak sempat habis belajar....)
10. InsyaAllah dapat baby umur 25 tahun (tak grad2 jugak!!!) Haisyyy
11. I love baking :D
12. skrg ada rutin baru... bacakan bedtime story book utk baby (yg masih dlm perut hehe). Tp instead of going to sleep, baby semakin aktif bila dengar cerita huu... dah jadi wake-up stories plak
13. Pssttt yg sbnrnya i know baby tak faham pun cerita tu, sbb bila lecturer tgh mengajar pun dia aktif melampau haha, means he just responses to any sound.
14. I also have this routine utk rasa kepala baby hari2, tunggu dia turun bawah huu. stkt ni masih oblique breech, hampir2 transverse :p.. on the way nak turun tuu.. buttock dia pun semakin hari semakin tinggi..sekarang dah dekat left lumbar hehe :D
15. ohh terlupa plak, insyaAllah nak professional exam bulan may.. saya sgt tak sabar nak habis belajar, sebab nak rehat goyang kaki je kat rumah :p pemalas tak??
16. sgt selalu tidur skrg sebab slalu rasa letih sgt3..tp tidur tak nyenyak and kerap terbangun & slalu dpt nightmare huuu
17. accidentally married to Muhammad al Athiq Marzuki haha.. but I am extremely happy Alhamdulillah :p (oopss takleh cerita lebih2 pasal abang nanti abang perasan huuu)
18. everytime I post a new article in the blog, I have to inform abang, otherwise abang merajuk ngee~ sebab dia nak jadi org pertama yg baca huuuu
19. I think I'm an overly ambitious person, too many plans in hand huu
20. I love staying at home, and frequently get homesickness
21. I guess I enjoy crying as much as I enjoy my meal haha
22. Pernah jual kek, dan sangat teringin nak jual lagi...but currently I'm staying in the mahallah for a while which makes it impossible
23. I like to tire myself to sleep so that I won't think of abang too much
24. I like to be a doctor, and I love listening to patients, but I hate the superbly busy life, just how can I adapt....?
25. Our baby already has a name Alhamdulillah :D

Dengan ini, saya mengetag
1. Ummu 'Umar 'Abdul 'Aziz
2. Aliya
3. ummu Iffah

taktaula sapa lg baca blog ni huu

Wednesday

1st day of holiday :D

Waa today is really tiring, and it is only 11am! Am cleaning our bedroom, disposing most of the stuffs; specially emptying my wardrobes..semua gara-gara nak sumbat masuk barang Ameer huuu. a room that was already full, has been upgraded to the status of suffocating, once we put in Ameer's cupboard, cot etc. And now I'm filling up his cupboard with......... secret! hehe, will tell later.
Am also packing his things to be brought to Kuantan. Approaching 7 month of pregnancy, I have to be ready anytime, should he decide to come out and see the world earlier than expected. Naudzubillah~
Irritably waiting for the courier service to deliver some parcels~ kalau buka pintu lambat sket, diorng dah pergi :( Am also waiting for the workshop people to arrive and repair the aircond. It is unbelievably hot without the aircond
This morning I auscultated Ameer's heart using the bell of stethoscope, and it was wonderful to listen to!
Rasa nak tido je skrg~

O&G Exam

I am finally home, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulilllah, Alhamdulillah :) Planning to be a fulltime housewife today, doing some baking and err.. err :p Exam was ok I guess, the theory part was not that bad, so was the clinical. But I really hate OSCE, we were not given enough time to write! 2 minutes for each station, and the questions were ample :( We got a laparoscopic pic of polycystic ovary, a BhCG chart for a patient with molar disease, an ampoule of MgSO4, A fetal simulator of breech presentation, and a ventouse cup. As for the PMP, it was a case of grandmultip (eh ye ke?? x ingt plak), with pregnancy induced hypertension, delivery complicated with post partum hemorrhage. The second, which was gynae case, was a bit horror. A 23 year old medical student, fainting spell during teaching with severe abdominal pain :p. Differentials?? I should have put 1. Hot ward 2. prolonged standing + skip breakfast. But it was actually a case of left tubal cyst torsion. But the final trigger was a bit out of track
1. Why do you think contraceptive pill is not suitable for this patient?
-compliance?? ada kaitan dgn cyst ke??
2. What is the most suitable type of contraceptive pill for her?? (pulak dah)
Pastu end up with DVT, dahla healthy 23 years old..haisyy

As for the clinical, I started with long case which was presented to Dr Roszaman (I got him for my short case during third year, a case of breech), 42 years old G9P7+1, underlying Gestational Diabetes Mellitus under diet control, diagnosed at 12 weeks period of amenorrhea. Last child birth 1.5 years ago. Other problems: advanced maternal age, grandmultiparity, poor spacing, failed contraception (she took Noriday, but 1 missed pill led to this pregnancy). Patient in active phase of labour.

Discussion was on
1. Do you agree with the Dx GDM?
No. It was diagnosed at 12 weeks POA, it might be DM complicating pregnancy
2. Did you look into this matter?
Yes, but patient did not do any DM screening before pregnancy, and she had no symptoms to suggest DM prior to this pregnancy

Then the discussion was on scan such as:
Do you think this patient need a detailed scan? I said yes. Organogenesis is at 7-12 weeks, and she was Dx w GDM at 12 weeks, meaning her blood sugar was not controlled duirng organogenesis, predisposing to fetal anomalies. However her sugar level was not high, around 5.6-6 only. In view of her advanced maternal age, it is important to screen condition such as Down syndrome. When should it be done? Around 18 to 20 weeks POA.

Next, I was asked about symptoms of DM. Patient had bilateral feet tingling sensation, resolved. She also had polydypsia, polyuria, nocturia developed at 7 months POA, but I said that is debatable with symptom of pregnancy in 3rd trimester.

Dr: Where do you look for ifxn in this type of patient?
Me: at the back.. (blank... terfikir pasal carbuncle)
Dr: what????
Me: oh, below the breast, groin, axilla

Dr: what do you think of her sugar control?
Me: I think it is suboptimal, as pt claim there is usually 1 high reading at each BSP. she was also not started on insulin, BSP done fortnightly
Dr: Are you sure? Cuba tengok ni (sambil menunjukkan BSP record in her antenatal book). 2 red readings for each BSP, and sometimes 3!!!!
Me: Huh????
Dr: Do o think she needs insulin?
Me: yes, because there are many red readings..
Dr: tapi you tgk value ni.. do you still think she needs insulin? (Dr dah hint2 hehe)
Me: No, the value is not that high..
Dr: Ok

Do you think she needs induction
Me: Yyess... (mcm tak brp sure nape tnye soalan cmtu huuu). It's the practice to not allow a GDM under diet to exceed EDD
Dr: I know it's the practice..but do you personally think she needs it??
Me: (err patient dahla mcm sihat je huu). Yes. Because she has high risk to have intrauterine death

Banyak lagi discussion sebenarnya, tp yg paling terkantoi habesssss: on types of induction huuu. kantoi that I didn't read on PGE1, PGE2, PGEF..last2 Dr ajar balik haha. They are different in term of potency.. He asked me what are you afraid of, to induce her with PGE? Me: uterine rupture.
Dr: tell me other types of induction that you know (ni paling memang takleh jawab). i just answered mechanical such as S&S, PGE and oxytocin. tak ingt langsung pasal foley catheter (dahla terang2 tergantung label 'foley catheter' kat katil patient huu), laminara..

That ends my long case.

Then I was waiting for my shortcase, while listening to shuhaib telling me about his long case. I was just saying, taknakla shortcase gynae, leceh kena check macam2 huu when Dr Khaled walked into the ward, smiling (I always like Dr Khaled, he is so humble and smiles all the time :), and he doesn't shout- for sure huu)
"U guys dah habis exam ke?"
"Dah habis long case"
"So waiting for short case? camne td?"
"Emm ntahlah hehe. Bolehla kot nak pass..Tapi tak distinction la"
Suddenly the sister who assisted the exam approached us. "You dah siap? La kenapa tak tunggu kat luar?" I said yes, I went outside earlier but there was nobody, so i sat at the counter, chatted with the HO, asking her what cases do we have in the ward haha. Ada breech? ada twin? semua pun takde..
Then the sister told shuhaib to go out, and asked me to follow Dr Khalid (Me: Yippeeeeeee alhamdulillah :D), while the Dr searched for the appointed patient. First, it's Dr khalid, second, it's another obstetric case! I got obstetric cases for long and short cases in my 3rd year, and both obs cases for my 5th year :p

The patient was a young 17 year old married pakistani (i seriously think she's beautiful), on blood transfusion. Was asked to describe (I said the patient was on blood transfusion packed cell O negative). So I said O-ve is usually for emergency transfusion.. but the Dr said..in the ward?? I said no.. actually the patient's blood type was really O negative huu. Discussion was mainly on causes, investigations and management of anemia. Tapi blur je.. Dr banyak bg hint huu. yang paling best, he asked, "Look at the abdomen, do you think she's term?"
I answered "NO" then siap sambung lagi..."I think she's 25 to 26 weeks pregnant" Dr Khalid appeared very satisfied. yang sebenarnya, I looked at her abdominal size was just about my abdominal size haha and I'm 26 weeks pregnant :p aci tak??

I guess that's all for the exam :D

Thursday

What is wrong??

I slept for 12 hours, 6pm to 6 am, while waking up for more than 10 times in between. My sleep pattern is getting worse and worse. I have stomach ache and bloating since yesterday evening... because I finished 1 whole papaya alone huu.. not a slice but sebijik! Hmm that reminds me of my early pregnancy phase.. tapi nak sgt2 makan betik..


Exam will be on monday and tuesday insyaAllah, and then....? Not sure whether I'm going home or not.. Ameer is getting even more active lately, I wonder why.. probably he's trying to tell me, "Mommy your gut is really noisy! I simply can't sleep.."


Abang will sit for his Dermatology exam today.. his 3rd specialized posting. And me? I'm getting lazier as exam approaches..

Lately...
selalu rasa nak marah...
selalu rasa nak mengamuk...
selalu rasa nak menangis...
selalu rasa malas..
selalu rasa down...
selalu tak berterima kasih pada orang lain..
selalu tidak mensyukuri...

Menopausal symptom??

Or....

sebab kurangnya baca Quran lately??? Kurangnya khusyuk solat?? Kurangnya mujahadah untuk qiyamullail?? Kurangnya berpuasa?? T_T

Wednesday

I decided to do on call today, hoping for few emergency D&C or laparascopic surgery huu, really I'm getting desperate. Alas, I lose to my own lack of motivation and dozedoff :p

Never mind, I am finally going back!!!! Have already bought the bus ticket, monday will be public holiday, and currently considering to take tuesday off as well haha. Pemalas tak??



Exam insyaAllah will be on the 1st November, obviously I am (as susual) barely half-way done, I'm so pathetic. Can I just make a break-away from all these for a while? P/s: and give myself some leisure time to miss the husband? No way! I'll cry gallons.



The news is, I've lost 0.5kg for the past 1 month! and yet baby is growing alhamdulillah. What's the point of learning to palpate others' uterus if you can't palpate and monitor your very own right? hehe. If anybody is wondering what I would like to have for my coming birthday, then it'd be a CTG (cardiotocograph). Sometimes I get anxious when I can't feel his movement :p The happy news is, we have chosen a name for our little one :DDD and yes, it will be Ameer. But I'll give the honour to abang to announce it later, after his birth insyaAllah. We don't just call him ameer because.. okay okay I admit, I made a list of names for our kidS haha. abang lebih2 plak suruh buat a complete list for 7 children! uiks, abg nak ngandung ke?? heh heh. so we decided that the name Ameer will be given to all of our boys insyaAllah. kotla ada rezqi lagi... :) Ameer means a leader, a prince. I started using the kun-yah Ummu Ameer some 6 years ago, when Ust Maszlee said there's no harm in calling each other with kun-yah, it's a form of prayer. That's what I keep praying for, that 1 day I'll become a wife to a good man, that one day I'll become a mum to a son whom I'd call Ameer. And I've never expected that everything will be answered this fast, Subhanallah Allahuakbar walillahilhamd! Alhamdulillah for all His bounties... and may I remain being a grateful 'abd despite the ni'mah bestowed upon us... and may Ummu Baihaqi will get Baihaqi soon insyaAllah :D Haisy semakin tak sabar tunggu for the moment Ameer sees the world... I'm 6 months pregnant. People say "Cepatnya!!!" I say "adoi, lamanya...3 more months to go!" But still, it feels like yesterday when abang and me anxiously did UPT after UPT, it feels like yesterday when we patiently counted "Baby turns 6 weeks today", and he is now 6 months old.. Alhamdulillah .


I think almost every night I dream of giving birth huu. Witnessing deliveries is really distressing you know, it scares you. It is such an ugly, painful and dirty process but once the baby comes out, everything becomes wonderful. The embarassing dorsal or lithotomy position, the nauseating amniotic fluid smell, the messy show, the ketotic breath, the stool that comes out with the baby, the prominent facial veins upon straining, the cries in agony.... but once you see the baby in the mother's arms, you simply forget the whole process, and before your eyes is the most amazing scene you can ever lay your eyes upon.. That is how wonderful sunnatullah is :)

Maybe I should stop rambling now and attend to some real business...

Monday

Reminiscing the old days, not useful anyway :D

This post is of no importance... AT ALL. It is just that every now and then you feel like writing something.... useless... to others, but important to me perhaps. Or is it all the time??!

I'm in my 5th O&G week, another case write-up needs to be submitted this friday (of course I haven't started on it), log book should be submitted next friday and 1 more week before the exam :D Umm wait, why am I smiling??? This is weird, especially when I haven't started preparing for it :D Never mind..

I haven't gone home for quite long, and not planning to be home anytime soon. I'll try to bear the days defore the exam, and then perhaps I can enjoy playing with safiyya :D Ok, I am missing home like mad. Full stop. But I have this weird theory, that f I go home less, Ill somehow perceive the time runs (runs fast!!) instead of crawling like a snail.. and perhaps I'll somehow feel abang won't be gone for too long T_T -pathetic- It's like you are trying to fool the mind...

I'm tired with the hospital. Fine. I'm tired with labour rooms. Nothing could be done anyway.

The thing is, I do nothing useful today other than reading the smses which abang gave since the day we tied the knot. Haha. Superbly pathetic. It has been more than 1 year.. Saje sembang2 petang dengan abang reminiscing the old days :D, we tied the knot in June 2009, but abang went back to Jordan after 2 weeks. We lived far apart for 6 weeks, then abang came back for 6 weeks- our 1st raya together. abang went back, this time around for 3 months, and then I came to Jordan in January to Feb for 3 weeks after I was done with Ortho. I then continued with my specialized posting for 10 weeks, and I was damn anxious waiting for the exam result as we were hoping that I'd pass and be able to do elective in Jordan. So I flew back to Jordan in May, and stayed there for 2 months (but I did my elective for 1 week only huhuu. I was so sick by then), then I came back to malaysia to start my final year. Abang followed 5 weeks later, our 2nd ramadhan and 2nd raya together Alhamdulillah. And now abang has gone back to Jordan for 3 weeks, planning to be home again in 4.5 months time when I deliver the baby insyaallah. Whoaa I guess that's the longest in history.. Huu abang lamanye... abang ok tak?? :D

Some people would just shake their heads, thinking we're insane huu. I don't even know how do we survive so far.. with the baby coming. But step by step, one step at a time, then 1 day look back, and you'll be surprised at how far you have travelled. I guess that is what we did, though in heavy tears. But we don't cry as much as before. I guess human just learn to adapt, not in a short period. And put aims at short intervals, then you try to achieve them one by one.

I remember when abang first left me, we cried like mad. he called me in the departure hall, when he has just boarded the plane, at transit airports, when he has just arrived, in the taxi on the way home, senang cerita, I think I talked to him more than anyone else in my life though he was thousands of miles away. I cried at the tiniest thing, I cried just by entering our bedroom, I cried when I look at his clothes, I cried when i drove my car, I cried when I was preparing milo, remembering how he used to prepare it for me when he was around. Man that was really messy huu. We smsed each other all the time haha that was real mess.

But being around my family did help in tremendous ways. How thankful I am that I have them in reach, all the time. As for now, of course I miss abang, at the simplest thing, as simple as smelling his neck when I hug him. But mission after mission, then you realize that you are actually travelling instead of being in a status quo. As for now, I'm aiming at abang's promise.... :p and yes, I Am working hard..

I always write things with reason (despite my usual statement that it is useless haha), probably it is sometimes too subtle that no everybody can pick it up. But be strong, everybody :D

Wednesday

Tired

Went to the ward at 6am today, just to cover my patients for the round with Dr Raja Arif. Became so sleepy and irritable. It was hot in the ward and I felt like stripping off the whitecoat and throwing it into the dustbin, for good huu. The heat intolerance become so intense, that I have to sit in the surau everyday single day, only returning to my room at 12am. P/s abang please take note, I weigh 54kg today! sama berat ngan abang :p Had a long afternoon-to-evening-to-maghrib nap today, and dreamt of weird things! First I dreamt that I was in the high risk labor room, watching a lecture hall-sized slide, showing how a mento-anterior and mento-posterior face presentation baby will be delivered. Someone kept repeating "kalau mento-posteriro the head has to be hyperextended. Susah" That was exactly what dr raja said during the round huu. And on the slide I viewed the pic that he drew during the round. Well, he admitted that his pic was not good, and I had to heartily agree haha.
Then a nurse asked me what are the signs of fetal distress. A colleague said tachycardia. And she irritatingly and repeatedly said "No, tachycardia is late. Before that? What is before that?" In the dream I repeatedly recited the sequence which Dr Azha said during our long case yesterday, deceleration-no acceleration-reduce in bit to bit variability,tachycardia and finally bradycardia. Then niza kept calling me to ask which restaurant do we want to book for dinner haha. Man, that was all in a dream. I'm so haunted with the medic life huu. I did some complaining to abang, and slept. I woke up late for my maghrib prayer yet felt very fresh. Took my bath, performed my prayer, ordered my dinner, and currently staying in the surau to start my night Alhamdulillah :)

Monday

Piccies snapped by the dad :D




Hasiy baru nak bersedih sedih, rasa nak tergelak pulak tengok gambar budak sorang ni, amoi da pandai gelak besar!!!! an extremely cheeky face expression as if there's a handful of tricks in her pocket. Dude safiyya, I'm so missing her!!!
Aliaa: anda memang pembaca tegar haha :p
Me: Presented my part in the Gynae Emergency seminar today. 1 more month to go before i sit for the exam, i am deprived of CPs (what a boring statement) huu. Checked that I am eligible to gain 18kg in this pregnancy, due to my pre-pregnancy weight of 44kg :p Relieved. Missing my significant other like mad. Abang, enjoy your posting :D and gudluck for the around-the-corner exam. And do pray hard for me and baby :)

Sunday

it's 3.50 am and I woke up with the urge "I've got to write someting" No post doesn't mean I've stopped writing, being a writer who actually ventilates the emotion through writing. I used microsoft word and had some problem publishing them in the blog. It's saturday, the end of my 3rd week, and sunday marks the start of my 4th O&G week. I have on call on Sunday T_T. The only reason why I'm wide awake right now is because I have to happily make to and fro trips to the toilet every night. Nocturia? It's not because of UTI (Urinary Tract Infection), it's because I just can't stop drinking, I feel thirsty all the time. GDM? (Gestational Diabetes mellitus??). One thing that really irritates me.. U sleep for no more than 2 hours before the urge come huuu it is so distressing, but not as distressing as the nausea vomiting in the early part of the pregnancy. Well it's just part of the parcel. Pregnancy comes in a package you know, starting with the NV, abdominal bloating which resolved around 4.5 months, then the back pain (which actually started early on around 3 months), then the thousands of acne which persisted since the last period if I remember correctly till now, then the hot intolerance which urged me to stay in the air conditioned surau, then the lethargy since the first trimester, continued with some degree of breathing difficulty with makes me eligible to be NYHA-ed huu. Really I think I can't take the stairs anymore (P/s I'm living in the mahallah for a while, level 4!!!!), the minute I reach my level, I just can't breathe anymore. One of these days surely I'll pass out huu but above all, I'm so worried with the weight gain T_T huuu 9kg in 20 weeks, how awful does that sound? Sure I have such a huge workload after delivery..to reach the pre-pregnancy weight huhuhuhu



And yet, baby is growing beautifully Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah :) kicking me like mad all the time, assuming my tummy is a futsal court I guess. 7 scans so far including a detail scan which we did in a private setting when abang was around, and 3 scans to confirm the gender haha, tak sopan langsung, suka kangkang2 je and show mommy his toot as if to say, "Mommy, I'm a boy!!!", if the baby comes out to be a girl, really I won't completely trust ultrasound for the rest of my life haha. Nama? Haven't given that issue a serious thought huu, guess both of us are still trying very hard to adapt with the hectic life (hectic in the pregnancy sense, trying to deal with all the complications huuu)



I'm really working hard for O&G, at least to fill up the logbook. Probably I had enough of poor performance in IM huhuu. And baby has his own adventure following mommy treading the hospital ground for 36 hours straight doing oncall after oncall. Most of my time are spent in the hospital, because I can't bear the thought of climbing the flight of stairs to reach my room huu. By the way he is now up and about at 4 am!

It's been 2 weeks since abang travelled afar, it's terribly lonely without him, but at times I'm just glad he's not around -huh??- with the crazy O&G life and oops I've just started paying visits to other wards (when others have done that since the ancient times sigh~) trying to revise and hold on dearly to whatever scanty knowledge that is still in my grip with regards to other postings, surely there's nothing you want more once you hit the bed or carpeted surau floor but to lose your consciousness in a deep sleep, not worrying of abandoning your other significant half. It's a fact, relationship is a two way thingy. You can't expect to get more than what you give, but surely you'll have to give without really hoping for a return (such a rare occassion gah). It's a fact. I remember once, I was so occupied with other things, when abang suddenly came and said "Cepatlah pujuk abang, pujuklah abang" Haha I was so stunned, but fortunately had an immediate recovery to realize that I had for so long subscribed to 'husband abandonment'. That was during my NV episode actually :p So I hugged him and said, "kesian abang ni, terbiar je, xde sapa layan" hahaha how lame my answer was. Abang's absence spells more freedom for me, and it also means more rindu-rinduan. Yep we miss you dearly, abang! Be strong k :) I just can' wait to finish the whole medic business huu, may Allah ease my journey towards graduation.

Btw congratulation to Anim n Zubir for the arrival of cute Hadeef, congratulation to Mawaddah n Hafiz for the arrival of cute Uwais and do pray for us, so that everything will turn out just allright :D Congratulation to Izzah and Idris who became husband and wife on 25th September, Alhamdulillah :)

Saturday

kenapa la tak paham2 lagi?

exam result was out..yesterday. And alhamdulillah, i obtained a P (Pass), without the D for sure (D stand for distinction). I was expecting an F instead (Fail). The result made me think again and again, I've always expected (and hoping) for a failure since i was in year 1 so that I could just quit without filling guilty (how stupid does that sound??) and a sound advice from Prof Nasa (move on, move on until you graduate, and you can always postpone your housemanship) is 1 of the things that keep me moving (of course the main bulk of motivation comes from my beloved Ummi). Talking about a medical student who really regrets the decision embarking on this journey.. i'm not saying it's a tough one as compared to others, but i'm telling you that it is a lonely one. It reminds me of an episode of House MD, when a young gypsy lad was offered to work in the hospital (he was actually warded with the complain of abdominal pain), but he was quite knowledgeable in term of medical knowledge which he learnt by himself.. but he ended saying to Foreman n Cameron something that i vaguely remember as "I don't see any ring on your fingers. You may think you are successful but you are not happy. You don't have a family". Gosh, maybe I should be a gypsy and seduce athiq into buying a caravan to live a nomad life??? Haha, way out of the topic. Talking about being with each other all the time :D

So as to wash away that lonely feeling (btw, you have so many friends, but being far away from the family is a lonely business indeed), I try to build my own family, plus having a kid whom I can bring anywhere I go haha. I have always hoped that somehow my family would move to Kuantan during my study period (how lame) :D

But life is not easy and simple, and life has been designated by the Almighty to be in certain pattern. Allah keeps giving me a Pass when I think I don't even deserve it...kenapala tak paham2 lagi petunjuk Allah?? That a muslim strives hard to be successful in both worlds. I keep asking myself, "Batul, are you trying to deny?? Kenapala buat2 tak paham jugak?? He keeps showing me the path that I should traverse, he keeps my spirit up" ~sigh~ A human is one creature that never feels grateful. Maybe I should stop whining after all and concentrate on marching forth. I'll try to be better in O&G :D

P/s: I already have one CP and determined to work hard to fill up my logbook this time around ngeh~

Congrats to Amy n Zanaridah for the wonderful D! Baby n mommy are waiting for some reward ngeeeee.

Saya ni pemalas!

whoaaaa i took a long antenatal break from blogging :D truth is, i was in such a troll-like mood to write anything T_T. final exam was on last monday and tuesday...and i'll officially be a pathetic O&G-rian this coming monday and for the coming hazardous 7 weeks T_T

Speaking about the past posting and the recent final exam.... well, i can't say much...considering the negligible attendance, the ample absence from classes, the nauseating days, the extreme lethargy... let us start from my poor logbook performance T_T which obviously didn't meet the requirement. for 1 thing i had only 1 case presentation when everybody else did at least 4 CPs. to tell the significance, a difference between 2.5 marks which i got as compared to a full 10 mark obtained by others, man that was sure significant! when you don't come to the ward, obviously you miss all those procedures which need to be recorded in the book. And come to exam, I am more than happy to anounce, that I still have this NV (the nausea especially) and I vomited up to the morning before i departed to the exam hall huuu. Makanya saya tidur, tidur dan tidur.

The first day of exam was such a mess. First the MCQs were kinda hard. then for the OSCEs, i forgot to answer 1 question out of 5 questions... down the drain my 20% went. I thing my mind was not ready to cooperate, I was tired and all. if I could answer the rest of Qs excellently, that would be OK, but the prob is I was so weary to think! I first interpreted the ECG strip wrongly, and afterwards continued to stare at it..and said, Oh, it's a heart block... but the bell was so eager to ring and mark the time limit,,so aother 20% down the drain.

As for the clinical. I got a case of mitral stenosis in failure with Dr hasnur, which I didn't do well, and for the short case a steroid-induced Cushing syndrome due to nephrotic treatment with Dr Marzuki...which was not ok either. haha everything was not ok :p At times I kinda hope to fail so that I can use that as a reason to postpone my study (well I mentioned earlier, I'm so not in the mood to study. Kenapalah saya pemalas sangat ni!!!!). The thing is, life doesn't work that way. I am haunted by medicine my whole life huhuhu, because by hook or by crook, I have to finish whatever that I have started (sadis tak??? hehehe)

But above all these, I am soooo happy for my baby which is growing well alhamdulillah. I had a scan 2 weeks ago, (I practically scan the baby at 6th, 8th. 10th, 12th and 14th week amounting to 5 scans so far huuu) and was informed that I have a baby boy ;D well, of course i need to scan again as that was early. Sincerely speaking, I was initially shocked with microscopic upset feeling (refusing to believe that I have a 50% chance to get a boy haha), but I have started to enjoy the sweet fact :D I am now a proud mom who shop for a boy (although I can't refuse to look at the pinky winky thingies, and so I end buying them for safiyya :DDD), but guess what? 2 days ago, we bought a pink stroller for our boy!

Abang: Ayang nak beli pink juga ke? Macam perempuan la..
Me: Nanti yang nak tolak stroller tu ayang, bukan baby :D
Abah: Why did you buy a pink one? what if the baby is really a boy?
Abang:........
Me: [wide grin]

Agak punah la harapan untuk pakai matching outfits with a daughter...but INSTEAD... when we walked in parkson yesterday, i accidentally saw such a sweet light pink soft satin baju melayu for a 1 year old from afar and shrieked "Abang, comel!!!!!!!!" and both of us immediately went to check it out haha.

Abang: Tahun depan kita beli baju ni. Nanti abang beli baju melayu yang kita nampak tadi (earlier we saw exactly the same shade of baju melayu for an adult)
Me: Erkkkk (abang la pulak nak pakai matching outfit huuuu). Emm kita beli kain, tempah baju semua orang (me, abang and baby) dengan kain sama.
hahaha mommy taknak mengalah!

Today I bought a 6-12 month pink shirt for safiyya, and a 3-6mth beige shirt for my baby, with exactly the same design so that they can wear it together nanti hehe.
Alhamdulillah so far we are almost done with the shopping. And not enough with the shopping restriction for my clothes for 3 years, today abang officially put a ban on buying baby's outfit as well huuu T_T. Drawer baju tu macam dah tak muat nak tampung baju baby huuu. If you decde to have the second one 10 years later, of course you do not want to miss the opportunity to shop for the baby....tapi Ummi cakap...
"Biar Allah soal kat akhirat nanti! Membazir je"
Yang sebenarnya our baby tak sabar nak inherit baju dari kak safiyya hehe. :D

Safiyya dah berat dan panjang. She was born at 3.4kg, reached a weight of 5kg at 1 month old, and currently wearing a size of 3m/o. Dia bulat dan sangat kuat menyusu!! Tapi disebabkan we have labelled safiyya as budak kampung, everyday, I bathe her in the sink in the kitchen, using purely tap water haha (yep, saya suka mandikan safiyya dan dengar dia jerit2 hehe). Dia suka kena bounce laju2, and tepuk kuat2 haha. ( a mild dose of tepuk bontot is not effective to sedate her to sleep :D)

Sunday

A weekend with Safiyya :D

safiyya tidur sambil tarik rambut. safiyya stress ke ni??
safiyya tidur ganas! macam2 aksi. dia ni memang pandai keluar dari bedung. pastu kitorng ckp safiyya ni budak kampung, tak pernah pakai seluar! diapers corak hawaii pulak tuh huu

nak pakaikan safiyya socks tapi safiyya kecik sgt! so nenek do it manually, letak rubber band je kat socks safiyya hahaha


It is a weekend well spent with the little one Alhamdulillah. Finally I managed to touch, pinch, kiss, hug and torture Safiyya on her 13th day of life hehe (hey Safiyya welcomed my presence with her poo and vomitus haha). Well she did behave when she sacrificed her sleeping time the evening all of us came back home, I guess she was kinda overwhelmed with all the attention given, and tried hard to stay awake despite accidentally falling asleep few times.


Safiyya rarely cries, she only does so when she's hungry. Itupun menangis kurang ikhlas ekk-pause-ekk-pause-ekk hahaha. Safiyya sangat ringan and kecik and adorable and wears that emotionless expression all the time. But she smiles very frequently now, not a social smile though, she's just working out the muscles and making sure everything is functioning :p


Looking at Safiyya really moves me to tears at times.. looking at the innocent face..and the sad expression when she's desperate to feed (she really knows how to catch our sympathy by making the pitiful face!!) and I keep thinking of the babies that were abandoned, thrown away like a rubbish, and become the meal for animals and maggots... I imagine how they cry because they are hungry, how they cry for some love and attention, how they cry because they feel cold, and how they cry to death.. sangat sedih... there are times when I feel extremely hungry or extremely in pain enduring the gastritis and I have people around me to help.. there are times when I wake up in the middle of the night, crying due to some stupid nightmares, and I'd pick up the phone to call abang, sobbing like mad looking for consolation, there are times when I feel that life is cruel, and I'm glad to have those who care, lending me their ears and offering me words of motivation.. well we are not babies, and yet we still need others to help us to move on.. I think of all these when I look at safiyya. Sometimes safiyya wakes up suddenly and cries hysterically, I guess she experiences nightmares, and I love to cuddle her and make her feel convinced that it is just a nightmare. Sometimes she cry mildly so I hug her and sing to her, and she would continue to stare at me in such a peaceful way until she fall asleep..those stares really make me understand that more than anything else, each and everyone of us want to feel cared and loved.. and sometimes she cry in such a sad way, like a heart-touching howling.. I guess it's her way to tell us that she's famished! hehe and I'd nag the mama to breastfeed her immediately.. a weekend with safiyya is indeed a weekend well spent. an innocent baby reminds me about life and all its beauties Alhamdulillah :) do spread the love especially to the dependent ones..to the children, to our parents :)


p/s safiyya is so lucky to have great mama n abah, atuk yang suka kejutkan safiyya dari tidur sebab nak main dgn safiyya, nenek yang rajin mandikan safiyya and backup safiyya (hehe ummi ckp kalau lambat bagi safiyya menyusu bila dia dah nangis, nanti berdosa), aunties who love to take care of her, and uncles yg pandai check pampers safiyya berak ke tak hehe

Saturday

Moving into the second trim

I guess I'm insane! Few more months left before I graduate insyaAllah, and I'm still thinking of quitting? Dude!!!!! Or better still, postponing the final year. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'm really not in the -student-mode- (malas yang melampau) and I can't push myself to be in that mode, and I just want to go back home and stay with Ummi, doing nothing. How awful does that sound?.......Pemalas giler2.

Is it that bad? Hah. Rephrase --> Is medicine that bad? or.. Is the mind that rotten? Huhu either way. InsyaAllah abang will be home in 1 week, and I'm trying hard to finish my on-calls before that..which explains the dull and grumpy weekend in Kuantan ~sigh~ I really want to hug and kiss and chew Safiyya!

Surely abang will be surprised, the wife that has always been slim-mlim (haha), dah buncit pun haha. In no time, the wife will be all bloated up!

Moving into the second trimester, few changes have to take place. I start taking the Enfamama milk although the taste is not that encouraging huu. I rarely vomit these days but the nausea is still there. And I'm yet waiting for the dinasourous appetite to set in huu. Guess I'm tired of doing a shopping spree at the pasar malam and later throwing away untouched food. Stowing away the high heels, I opt for a pair of unfashionable Bata Comfit sandal because when you stand for 1 whole day in the ward, the shoes really can't accomodate the swelling feet. It's not much yet, but the feet do swell! And I start to look at my baju kurung with distaste huu. The kain has started to strangle the waist! If I wear it too low,then it'd sweep the street clean, if I wear it too high it would cause an even more severe dyspnea. Haisyy. In the end, can I just wear nothing?? _Depressed mode_ 1 thing, I can't tolerate chicken now, but I have to eat nasi lemak every single day!!!! Ketagih pulak tu dengan nasi lemak kat Rescue. How unhealthy huuu.

Abang, do ur best in the exam! (Chewah pandai nasihatkan abang, walhal diri sendiri pun malas).

Tuesday

Mummy Katts :D

Alhamdulillah my sister gave birth to a healthy 3.4kg baby on 25th July 2010, via C-sect (sebab baby degil tanak kuar dari perut ok despite repeated induction!!)

Now I'm the proud Mummy Kats to such an adorable Safiyya Amani bt Mohd Hafidz hehe. Well, if you wonder how does that name come by, please be informed that my original name went through such a tremendous evolution since I was small.

The given name is Maryam al Batul, but in primary school, my friends called me Ayam Batu. Then an uncle called me Beh-Aaa-Teh-Uuu-Le (read it bahasa baku ok) because I learnt to spell using phonic. I read ABC, instead of Ay, Bi, Si, Di, I read as Aaa, Beh, Ceh, De, Ee, and when I was asked to spell my name, just imagine huu. Then my sibs started calling me Katoles instead of Batul, and now it has again evolved (for quite some time) to Katts huu.

So Mummy Katts as it is. My elder sis is mama, and my younger sis will be Ummi :) Me? 'Mommy' as I prefer my baby to call me :D

Safiyya dalam pangkuan nenek (ummi). Safiyya ni cam amoi la! mata dah la sepet, pastu muka cam tak bersalah je, walaupun selepas 3 hari degil tanak kuar!!!


Eh safiyya tengah sing choir ke ni?? Nganga mulut nanti masuk lalat pulak :p

Aaaa safiyya mengamuk! Macam muka kakak la huu.

True and superbly true, a baby is a bundle of joy! Safiyya Amani really brings joy to our family, the first grandchild to Ummi and Abah, and the first niece to us. Geram tengok pipi Safiyya chubby, rasa nak gigit-gigit-gigit!!!!
Bila tengok Safiyya ni chubby sangat, rasa semangat plak nak minum susu and eat healthy foods so that our baby will be as chubby as her hehe. (As my bro puts it, kakak ni semua benda utk kesihatan dia minum!!) Pastu nanti our baby nak keluar, Mummy juga yg siksa nak meneran huu :D

Saturday

Ni cerita Nuffnang

When I was in Jordan, everybody (fellow bloggers) were busy with the 'blog and get paid' activity, by using Nuffnang, adsense, answering questionnaire and such. What inspired me most was when I read Ibu and Walid Damia's blog, regarding their earning which reached hundreds, just by using Nuffnang! So I tried my best to explain abang regarding this Nuffnang, and ended putting the banner in my blog haha.

Abang was being skeptic in the throughout (he never believes that one can easily earn anything huu) but I tried my luck anyway. After 2 weeks, there were still no earning but the blog traffick was quite high reaching hundreds. Then i had to meekly inform abang by saying "Abang, tak dpt duit pun letak Nuffnang.. traffick high tapi takde org nak click banner tu kot huu" Memangla iklan yg Nuffnang letak tu pun tak best langsung huu. Abang laughed, he really laughed macam nak pecah perut, that I was infected :D He said "kan abang da cakap" me: "tapi tikah dapat duit banyak"

Another 2 weeks, I checked again, I said abang ada RM0.25 je. This time around I couldn't stop laughing. Abang sindir2 la sambil ketawa gila2 "dah tak payah nak sibuk2 cari duit kat blog, abang kan tanggung ayang". I was still feeling rebellious, "Bukan takde duit, tapi org lain tulis blog, dapat duit" siap buat muka cebik lagi

Today after 2 weeks in malaysia, for the first time I check my Nuffnang account. Baru RM0.50!!! Kalau abang dgr mesti dia gelak lagi haha. Sesungguhnya memangla nak cancel Nuffnang tu.

Friday

Ni post yang langsung tak best!

Tomorrow baby will be entering the 12th week (I made a mistake, the week changes every saturday). But the pregnancy sickness isn't showing any sign to cessate..haissy.
I was down with fever and tonsilitis yesterday, and ended having hyperemesis as well..I vomited for more than 10 times in a period of 12 hours, which prompted me to go to the A&E dept..as a patient. It strongly reminded me of the earlier part of the pregnancy huuu...and brought back all the ugly memory. The doctor told me to come again today to be admitted should the vomiting continue , but alhamdulillah it is now better, and I'm more than willing to be admitted to Ummi's house huu.
Being a medical student, I thought of so many thing yesterday. Well, I had so many respiratory patients for the past 3 weeks- a patient with MDR TB, RVD positive with PCP, klebsiella pneumonia... and considering that a pregnant lady have some degree of immunosuppression or rather susceptibility to ifxn, I was so worried when I started having URTI yesterday. I was ready to tell mimi, that should she find me in an altered state of consciousness, bring me to the hosp asap, and please consider either pneumonia or meningitis huuu. I was of course a bit off the track, plus the headache that was quite severe..and repeatedly examine myself looking for Brudzinski sign (for meningitis). Well, when you have a baby inside you, you really want to make sure the baby is safe and sound huuu.

Every single day, I keep receiving comments like "Maryam, pucat sangat!!", "Maryam, awak nampak tak sihat", "Maryam, ok tak ni?" and truth is I never quite feel my own self during the pregnancy huuu. Imagine the feeling like your body is being taken over, but it's for the good of my baby, then it doesn't matter at all :) But really when I assess myself, I think my Hb is around 8 only. And many a times, I feel like surrendering myself to the ward for IV fluid, for blood transfusion..pregnancy is indeed a physiological stress on the body, at least for me. I have to sit down during bedside teachings, I very frequently skip the classes, and teachings with clinic time slip and MC. Well at least I'm still a medical student, and I have no other responsibility except towards my own self and study...just imagine if I'm a real doctor..everything would be worse. Maybe I should consider taking a cuti tanpa gaji huuu.

Today and for the past few days, I become very emotional..and I even cry when I'm driving..sebabnya?? I tell abang to just feel enough with a child, really I don't want to get pregnant again for the rest of my life huuu... tapi bila cakap camtu, takut abang poligami for the purpose of getting children..hmm org perempuan suka fikir ngarut2.. mengandung tu susah, susah dan susah, dan sangat menguji iman dan kesabaran.... T_T

Saturday

I haven't updated for long, it's not so much about the final year aura but the 1st trim is still not over yet. Now I'm more determined than ever to just feel enough with whatever that I have.. a lovely daughter perhaps? haha. (abang, silalah bersifat qanaah juga ok :p)
Tomorrow will be the 11th week (the week changes every sunday), I still vomit once daily, in the morning, and that explains why I usually come late to the ward huu..sometimes I really question my own commitment in being an IM (internal medicine) students..with the unnegligible absence, excessive sleeping while pretending I have nothing to revise (specifically pretending that Kumar & Clark has never existed!) well I need 11 hours of sleep everyday sigh~, the 2 weeks had really gone by quite unsatisfactorily..and I have 5 more weeks to go before the exam. Gosh!! (Including the 2 pre-exam weeks when I have to endure abang's presence haha) I guess all in all 3 weeks left for me to do some significant exam prep huhuu...

Baby prep is going on according to plan Alhamdulillah. I manage to prevent myself from indulging into the shopping thingy. We have this warehouse Parkson Sale in megamall kuantan, and the whole village is talking about it..going crazy over it as well, and it is such a big sin for me not to pay an honourable visit..so that was what I did. Surprisingly, I managed to come home empty-handed!!! I was not lured into emptying my pocket gee :D

Abang asked me to make a table of a list of things that we have to buy (given that our baby has nothing much to inherit. The second baby on my side, and on abang's side), and I searched the internet for the price range..and we meticulously calculated within the affordoble range insyaAllah. Well, it's a good thing that mummy is such an avid internet shopper :p. The list was completed during my elective, and abang gave his approval so purchase after purchase was made..and till now I think we are 60% done with the shopping! Whoa. One will do the same when the husband is not always around.. and we decide to finish everything by raya..perhaps abang will be back again by the time baby is ready to see the world!

Till now, (this list is more to update the dad :))baby already has her own white wooden crib, with crib set, mattress and all alhamdulillah (ni beli sebab sale :D), set tilam kekabu for travelling or put the baby merata-rata, breastpump set (Spectra 3) including the backpack, milk storage bottles and cooler bag- semangat yg terlampau nk exclusively breastfeed baby huu, sterilizer, 10 pieces of cloth diaper (gambar cartoon comel hehe), sleeping bag (this one was bought by abang upon mummy's request ngee), a basketful of clothes (pun beli ngan abang dulu2, plus the rompers given by my brother, Umar and mittens hat n boots given by alia), and miscellaneous things such as brush bottle, bulb syringe hehe (and all are pink!).

I'm more than glad to have Ummi who counsels me on the thing that we need and we don't need. Things like "Cukuplah beli baju! Banyak sangat. Ummi dulu, beli 4 helai je sebab waktu tu tak mampu sgt, lepastu basuh la hari2"
Me: Err I do laundry once a week huuu
Yg Umar ni lagi ntah ape2, "Eee buat ape beli sterilizer?? Ummi basuh dengan axion je!"
I was like, 'how does he even know Ummi guna axion waktu dia baby dulu2??' so i just answered "Ummi rebus atas api la botol2 dulu!" That is actually true.

The nausea is still very much testing my patience, although I now eat rice up to 4 times a day huu (seriously rasa lapar mcm kebuluran) plus titibits (bread which used to be my main meal huu) in between my current main meals. The weight is spiking high!! But never mind, I eat when I feel famished and hypoglycaemic so i guess that's normal. If makan lambat sket je, akan muntah2 haisyy.

I guess that's all for now, got the elective report to be completed and submitted on monday, the 5 clerking sheets to be submitted on friday, and should start working on my case write-up huuuuu.... still not in the mood to be hardworking T_T

Friday

Ucapan terima kasih untuk abang :D

Entah kenapa sejak akhir2 ini lebih selesa berbahasa melayu..simptom ibu mengandungkah??

2 hari lepas ada tulis entry tapi takde mood nak publish. Konon2 nak upload gambar scan baby 3 hari lepas :), pun takde mood nak transfer into lappy. Dah ukur Crown-Rump Length (kepanjangan kepala sehingga bontot baby :D.. 2.5cm, 9 minggu 2 hari ). Baby sekarang Alhamdulillah cukup 9 minggu (huu sungguh tidak sabar untuk menghabiskan first trimester).

Lusa akan pulang ke Malaysia..abang dah mula nangis2 huhu, tapi emosi saya terbantut. Mungkin sebab tengah sakit + risau macamana nak naik flight sorang2 + transit kat Kuwait 9 jam huuu. Dan Ummi menunggu di Malaysia dengan sotong masak kicapnya!!!Tak sedih untuk berpisah ke? Kurang sikit..sebab........................ insyaAllah abang pun akan pulang ke Malaysia sebulan selepas saya pulang :) InsyaAllah waktu tu dah sihat berbanding sekarang. Tak sabar tunggu abang balik untuk shopping barang baby! Mesti banyak raya sale :D Tapi bila abang balik semula ke Jordan, saya pasti akan menangis dengan teruk, sebab abang takkan balik lagi sehinggalah time saya nak bersalin insyaAllah T___T

Dan...saya sangat rindu dengan baking dan cooking! Tak sabar tunggu abang pulang ke Malaysia untuk masak macam2 (hopefully dah tak nausea la huuu) dan masak berbuka puasa untuk family :D

Tak sabar tunggu baby kakak lahir..mungkin 2 hingga 3 minggu lagi insyaAllah.

Akan masuk posting Internal Medicine isnin ni... huu perjuangan tahun akhir sebagai pelajar perubatan saya bakal bermula.. tahun yang busy untuk grad..and untuk jadi mommy insyaAllah :) (menggatal tak? orang busy nak study, saya sibuk nak baby jugak huuu. well one can never stop challenging him/herself, can't he?) Doakan urusan saya dipermudahkan.. La hawla wa laa quwwata illa billah!

Saya sangat teringin nak BABY GIRL!!!! Da siap sediakan nama kalau baby girl hehe. Tapi abang nak baby boy huuu. Tak kira, kena shopping barang pink jugak :D

Saya pasti rindu saat bersama abang.. mengenangkan menghadapi kesakitan mengandung dikala jauh dari family dan insan2 berpengalaman.. kami menggunakan segala bagai cebisan2 ilmu 'kampung' untuk dipraktikkan haha. Tapi 'kampung' tu lebih kat abang la haha. Saya suka ke farmasi beli ubat macam2, kalau perlukan prescription, siap jumpa Dr utk minta prescription..oh sungguh tak bagus.. abang???? hehehe

Haa ini apa yang abang 'dera' saya sepanjang saya sakit:

Abang suruh seterika perut beralaskan selimut untuk kurangkan angin (dia kata mak pernah buat kat dia), tapi saya berkeras taknak sebab takut baby tak tahan panas (siap nangis2 cakap taknak, nanti baby panas haha)

Abang suruh saya duduk dalam posisi pelik2 untuk keluarkan angin dari badan huuu (pun saya taknak buat)

Abang sapu minyak angin kat perut, satu hari tu dia letak minyak angin bentuk love kat perut, hari esok dia buat bentuk smiley pulak (ya Allah suami aku ni), lepas tu urut perut macam uli roti canai huuu (waktu tu berharap sangat mak cik midah yang selalu urut ummi ade kat jordan untuk urutkan haha), tapi abang urut perut saya rasa lega :p

Ubat abang yang paling mujarab- air teh panas yang dia buat..selalu berjaya untuk hilangkan rasa nak muntah dan kurangkan angin.. satu malam berkali2 abang bangun tidur untuk continuously supply air teh (terharu huu)

Kalau sakit, abang sukaaaaaaa sangat tanya
"Ni siapa yang ngada2 ni?" Saya jawab "baby"
"Ni ayang yang nak makan ke baby?" Saya jawab "baby"
"Kenapa perut banyak sangat angin ni?" Saya jawab "mesti baby banyak kentut"

Last2 abang cakap "Kenapa asyik salahkan baby je??????????????" Hahahaha

So hari ni bila abang tanya
"Ni baby yang sakit ke mommy?" saya jawab "mommy"

Semalam abang pergi kedai, konon2 nak belikan makanan ruji mommy iaitu biskut kering. Waktu tu saya sedang sangat sakit. Abang pesan supaya saya miscall dia selepas 10 minit..sebabbb orang kedai tu suka sangat sembang dengan abang and abang takut tersangkut lama!!!! Abang keluar je saya tertidur (konon2 waktu tu pesan supaya abang belikan dark chocolate untuk kurangkan rasa nak muntah) Abang balik lewat tp saya tak sedar pun.

Abang kejutkan, dia tanya nak chocolate tak. Saya pun angguk dan ambil chocolate yang abang hulurkan, lepastu terus tertidur lagi (tidur yang tak nyenyak + mimpi pelik2 sebab nausea yg teramat), sambil pegang chocolate tu sehingga subuh..dan tempat yg saya pegang..chocolate tu dah melt sebab haba dr tangan haha. Abang ambil semula, dia jemur kat udara sejuk diluar supaya chocolate keras balik. Kenangan, kenangan :) yang akan sentiasa saya kenang

2 hari lagi bersama abang,, berpisah sementara untuk renew cinta dan rindu (ngee) dan bertemu semula insyaAllah. Terima kasih abang!!

Tuesday

Bila diuji

Yesterday when the depression was at the peak, I read a book with the title "Wanita dirindui syurga'. It's a history book, telling us about the great women in Islamic history including Khadijah Khuwailid, Fatimah bintu Muhammad, Asiyah Muzahim and Maryam bt Imran.

I have read those stories numerous times, but one need to refresh every now and then because each time, it brings new motivation. I was so attracted to the tale of Maryam bintu Imran, who gave birth to Prophet Isa alone, and really alone.. tabahnye... me yg ade suami hardworking ni pun tak bersyukur lagi (T_T)

When we are being tested, then only we know where do our iman stand
When we are being tested, we fall then only we know how to stand up again..

And for this..chaiyok Maryam al Batul Azizuddin!!! Be a strong mommy, be a strong muslimah!

Is it true?

Is it true that all pregnant ladies feel this way? Depressed. Because I am. At times I feel like cutting open my abdomen, take out the stomach and do a cryo on 90% of the parietal cells. At times I feel like surrendering myself to Mr Kyaw to do vagotomy of the stomach. At times I just want to thrush my hand down my throat and take out whatever is left in the gut so that I don't need to endure the nausea and vomiting
Last night I had that dream again. I dreamt that I deliver a healthy baby. Hah, lady, 7 more months to go! That was nice when compared to a dream that I had before.. I dreamt that I put my own hand into the womb to take out the baby at 4 months of gestation. Euwww that's weird and gross.

I try to uncover the reason why I feel this way. Probably because I feel so helpless and so in pain. But isn't that Allah's way to expiate my sins? Or because I can't stand looking at abang.. how he tries so hard to help me go through this, and yet I'm unable to give him anything? But isn't that Allah's way to purify his soul?

I don't know whether all 1st timer mommies feel traumatized to go through another pregnancy (but end up having 10 kids later on huuu) but I currently am. I said to abang, we should adopt after this. Apekah?????? He said it is not the same as having our own kids, I said yes but he doesn't know how extremely terrible this is for me... kejamnya aku berkata begitu, when Abang doesn't sleep when I can't sleep, when he is always by my side going through the vomiting episodes, when he continuously massage me even when I'm asleep, when he runs to and fro to grab my needs, when he is ever ready to spend on our baby, always agreeing to my request to go shopping

Hari ini abang merajuk.. pasti kerana lelahnya dia menguruskan aku dan pemberiannya yang tidak dibalasi,
abang,
sungguh padaku tiada ego yang tersisa melainkan runtunnya jiwa melihat keadaanmu. Aku bukan sahaja tidak mampu memberikan haq selayaknya diterima seorang suami malahan terus-terusan meminta agar kehendakku dipenuhi. Namun kerana lemahnya diri ini aku hanya mampu menangisi
abang maafkan...
aku cuba untuk membina janji bahwa semua ini sementara cuma..

Kalaulah abang tertanya-tanya apakah aku masih ingat kisah yg pernah abang ceritakan dulu.. sahabatnya pernah mengadukan bahawa isterinya tidak mampu melayaninya sepanjang 9 bulan mengandungkan anak pertama mereka..dan abang pernah menyatakan kebimbangan bahawa perkara yang sama akan berlaku kepada kita..sungguh tanpa ragu2 aku akan menjawab, tidak pernah kulupa kisah itu walau sepatah, sehinggakan jika abang mahu, aku mampu menceritakan kembali kepadamu sebaik penceritaanmu.. maafkan jika itu yang abang rasakan sekarang.. rumah abang yang tak mampu dikemas, dapur abang yang bukan sahaja tidak berasap malah tidak mampu aku uruskan, pakaian abang yang langsung tidak ku sentuh, diriku sendiri yang tidak terurus dan tidak berhias, malah dalam kekalutan abang untuk ke kelas, abang masih sibuk menyediakan segala keperluanku... abang, maafkan... dan dalam rajuk2 abang, abang tak lupa untuk setiap kali pulang membawa air kotak chocolate yg ayang suka sangat minum..terima kasih, abang..

Untuk abang...sajak ini ayang hadiahkan untuk abang meski bukan ayang yang mengarangnya..

Suamiku

Maaf di atas keluh dan resah
Aku tewas di medan jiwa ku
Kerna aku baru belajar
Belajar menjadi seorang mujahidah

Namun gagalku sementara cuma
Itulah iman dengan seribu gelombangnya
Kugagahi segala dengan doa dan cita

Kata-kataku mungkin hambar
Ia sekadar cerita hidupku
Isteri sepi menagih simpati
Agar dunia tahu dan restu

Pesan dari teman yang dikenali
”Wanita itu rusuknya bengkok
Luruskan..berhati-hati
Bertegas..jangan keras
Berlembut..jangan sampai reput”
Itulah hakikat seorang isteri

Suamiku
Suka duka, tangis ria
Resepi hidup kita selamanya

Suamiku
Kupohon sabar darimu
Agar aku redup di bawah payungmu
Agar aku terang di bawah sinarmu
Agar aku mekar di dalam cintamu

Pergilah suamiku
Medan itu lebar dan luas
Engkau mujahid untuk semua
Kan kuiringkan doa dan cinta
Agar syurga Allah diberi balas

Tenang dirimu dalam doaku
Tenang diriku dalam cintamu..

UMMUSAIF.COM
9 Februari 2008


MAAFKANKU WAHAI SUAMIKadang-kadang aku rasa akulah
Isteri yang terlalu banyak menerima
Sedangkan engkau tak pernah meminta

Kadang-kadang aku rasa
Akulah isteri yang baru terjaga
Sedangkan engkau tak pernah terlena

Kadang-kadang ku bersuara tanpa berfikir
semua perkataan ku menjadi salah
Datanglah ke sini dan pegang tangan ku
Sementara ku cerita kehidupan isteri
Harap dimengerti

Kadang-kadang ku sakiti hati mu
Bila ku tolak sentuhan mu
Bukan bermaksud aku kurang menyayangi mu…
Namun cabaran terlalu

Kadang-kadang aku berubah pada pandangan mu
Tapi sayang, itu tidak benar
Tiada apa yang paling ku hargai
Daripada kehidupan manis bersama mu

Kadang-kadang ku fikir sejuta tahun
Adalah terlalu singkat
Hanya ku beritahu mu betapa sayangnya aku
Betapa syukurnya aku…
kau pelindung ku

Kadang-kadang berjauhan dengan mu
Akulah isteri yang terlalu tinggi bercita-cita…
Mencipta kerukunan keluarga
Namun aku tetap aku yang ini…
Maafkan aku wahai suami!

Ust Pahrol Mohd Juoi