What cud be more gedik than that??

The happy news is... kakak is now pregnant!!!!! We are all extremely excited.. for the arrival of the first baby in our family. Basically because my youngest bro was born when I was 7 years old, so I have no experience taking care of a baby before. Asma' was excited asking me to confirm the pregnancy JUST by palpating the pulse (hahaha ingat ni cerita kuingfu cina ke?? rasa pulse terus dpt diagnose pregnancy). And the 3 of us girls had a giggly girl talk.. and I was called to do an abdominal examination gahh of course it was not palpable, my dear. It's only 1 month!! I started planning my schedule next year (after calcualting her LMP/ due date of course), to go back home every week throughout her pueperium (because she must be staying at home during that time) undeniably, I'll be more interested in the baby rather than the mum herself hahaha.

And Yasir? Being the youngest one, he wholeheartedly rejects the gelaran "Ayah cu" or "Pak Su". Instead he happily opts for "FATHERLY CU". Euwww how much more disgusting can it be??

Secondly, a best friend of mine is also pregnant. Tahniah Ijatku sayang!!!!

Today is Wednesday. Had grand round at the ward today. Followed my mentor's clinic afterwards. By now I very nearly become nonviable out of gratefulness.. My groupmates won't hesitate to agree that we have the best mentor (i have only one mentor after all haha). Reason? We have teaching almost every day. I think that's worst than Ryle's tube feeding, that is practically a TPN (Total Parenteral Nutrition)!!! But still I am not flourishing ortho-ly, wonder what's wrong..

Truth is, I don't know why do I miss Athiq so much (should there be any question about that? huh. As if missing a husband's presence is the biggest miracle on earth haha). Tomorrow marks the 2nd month of our separation.. huu miss him damn much... (tears..tears...) I don't know how many times have I read and reread and reread the birthday card that he sent (although my birthday will be 8 days from now) and never feel bored of doing it. And even put it beside my pillow, so that I can have a look at it every now and then (very frequently indeed haha). He was quite busy with the tourism thingy during his hol, and now he'll be busy in the ward (I'm saying this while imagining that I have 25 FREE hours per day). He'll again be busy this weekend.. aiyaa my hubby is very busy huuuuu... no wonder I miss him so muchhhhh..................................................

I'm trying hard not to write in a melancholic mood. But truth is, I am. (symptoms of mogok??). Luckily a news leave me in an extremely happy state :D will later tell what is it (I am menumpang kegembiraan orang this time around), though I still think of Abang endlessly..

Batul, pergila baca Quran!!!!!

Crap materials (useless really)

It's only Monday, and I'm praying hard for Thursday to arrive.. I really need a break. The 3 on calls I did last week, plus the moving out activity left me in such a devastated and tattered state.. And for the first time after Abang's return to Jordan, I finally press my pause button, to really sit down in the middle of the chaotic and hectic setting, determined to mark my own no-trespassing territory.. to break down. Breaching my own divine rule, while blanketed by utter confusion, I made a big sin, telling him, If only you're here..... If only you're here to help, or at least to lend me a smile..... That's a BIG no-no. And yet I didn't make the tiniest attempt to define today as a very bad day, with worst performance during teaching, and a wandering mind during class.. And that I don't think I can make it to the finishing line with grace.. or at least without chipping off my dignity..

Somehow I don't care how many hearts have I broken, how many souls have I turned down, I just have to move on.. May Allah bless those who have sincerely given me the infinity of space to breathe a breath of hope and step a step of improvement while I only manage to reply with a feeble thank you.. I'm so torn...

Now I'm discussing the weather

The extremely cold weather has cruelly taking its toll on me.. I'm succumbing to akinesia with hypofunctioning of the cerebrum and become bed-ridden, now I've started to worry for the appearance of bed sores.. How glad I am that this mahallah cubicle is very small thus eliminating any possibility of having to move around to do things- everything is practically within reach~ from the bed!! Hahaha. You step out of the bed only to find yourself standing on the sejadah. Extremely practical indeed! :D Abang said I'm lazy. I say, Abang, you are SOO TRUEEE!!! Currently I'm trying to work out on how can I read the big Miller textbook while lying supine huuu, sure it'll compress my abdominal organs. Haisyy

I shouldn't feel so at ease (Really I am not) when I haven't even finished the case writeup- have been procrastinating since last weekend and now I'm regretting huu. Moving out is also an issue on this rainy day, whoaa.. I'm addressing the most basic issue- laziness. My patient is another issue; failed to check out on her yesterday (was not in driving mood due to the chronic rain), definitley I've no other options today- ya ya hosp here I come.

Hasan Basri Rahimahullah said

"I've never seen a certainty closer to being doubted than people versus death (They are certain it will strike them, yet, they ignore its imminence). I've never seen truth that is closer to falsehood than that demonstrated by their statement, 'We seek paradise', yet, they ignore seeking their path"

I take the opportunity to snuggle under the comforter, this 'wintery' dawn with Pink-chan. It's the final quarter of the year, and rainy season has started to set in, which obviously raise the controversial issue of doing anything fruitful when hibernation seems to be the only rational activity huu. I don't feel comfortable walking in the hospital when my shoes happily play the role of a water basin, and compliantly contain the rainwater in them huu, nor do i feel glad to stay in the strongly air-conditioned lecture halls when my clothes are all wet, since I fear freezing to death. But that's life I guess~
I'm openly brooding over a family trip to Melaka this weekend (I'm the only one being left out because of the tight schedule gahh. Really should do something to take off my mind from it). Pondering back upon it, yep it was a hectic week. With my seminar on wednesday (Alhamdulillah presented :D), my on calls on thurs n fri, And as for the weekend, I'm planning to move out form the hostel huu.. Someone PLEASE give me a break!
Studying is another big issue. My depression is obviously not on a sliding scale as I journey along the path of Ortho.. the more classes I attend, the more teachings I obediently follow, the more BHT I read, the MORE I realize my mind is empty of the precious jewel called knowledge. I was asked in the ward round regarding the lower limb (of course I failed to answer), went back and study vigorously on lower limb, expecting to vomit out everything in the next session, but it turned out that I was asked on the upper limb (hand) the next day. Then it was vigorous study on upper limb, only to be asked on pelvic anatomy n fracture the next day. Ahhh!!!!! Demotivated sometimes, but I know that there is no such thing as giving up huuu. Logbook is not progressing much, which adds up to the burdenful stress huu. I guess the greatest motivation that I have are the ortho text books that Abah have bought for me and posted by Ummi to Kuantan. Graduating in 1.5 years???? That seems a bit too far-fetched, what type of doctor will I be?? Haihh macam tak competent je.
Abang has started his 2 weeks holiday (Raya Haji) ,he must be feeling very lonely and missing me much (aishh perasan la pulak haha). He wants to come back very badly, but being a cruel wife, I....... advised against it huu.. 1st thing the ticket is not cheap, secondly it's only a 2 week holiday, 3rdly, I'm quit busy with Ortho (nanti abang sedih asyik kna tunggu sorang2 huu, and I'll feel sad tak dpt bg layanan istimewa kat abang), 4thly................... The conclusion is I will celebrate Eidul adha without abang.. that makes me feel a bit sad but tolerable insyaAllah as I think I won't do much other than redeeming the lost sleep.. How I really miss him...

In response to Hana Insyirah's

Despite the sleepy aura that is enveloping me, following the last night on call, I still have the urge to write my personal say in response to Hana's article..

On my 1st day of Forensic posting, we got a case- my very 1st case; of a newly married 26 year old man who died (the cause was eventually found) of Acute Myocardial Infarct. Initially I wasn't aware of his NEWLY MARRIED status, when I asked a colleague, "Dia ni single ke?" When death is being dealt with, the 1st thing that comes to my mind is, "Agaknya apa yang ruh dia tgh buat skrg?". Secondly, "How do the loved ones react to this death?"

"Ya Allah Maryam, dia ni BARUUU JEE kahwin," a friend answered in a very dramatic way. "BARUU JE SEBULAN". I nodded. I was undoubtedly surprised, very surprised indeed. And I was not abnormal when the first thing that I thought of was- Athiq. I peeked through the window at the counter, to identify the relatives. Of course, I was trying to search for the wife. She could nowhere be seen. I only smiled at his parents. I inhaled a very deep breath and tried to relax, and asked this friend regarding the wife. Yes, she was present at the mortuary, her fingernails were still red with henna. I looked at my own hands, the fingernails were not red, and there were no engagement and wedding rings. Although I dislike colouring my fingernails red, and even further dislike wearing any jewelleries, suddenly I wanted to wear the rings very badly, the rings that Athiq bought for me himself, and feeling the serenity in knowing that I still have him, and I could still enjoy his love and care, and that he's still available for me to share my life with, and that he could still acknowledge and respond to my feelings.

Death is not an uncommon topic between a couple I guess, when Athiq likes to bring up this topic between us for an open discussion. For some reason, he likes to say that he thinks he'll die before I die (maybe he depends on the statistic that women lives longer than men due to the protective oestrogenic effect enjoyed by women). And that he's worried how will I cope (I guess he thinks I'm such a dependent lady, and that I'll definitely be a PSY patient should I face a death of my loved ones huuu). Ayat yang dia suka guna, "Ayang, nanti kalau abang pergi dulu, ayang jangan hidup dalam memori lama.. Ayang kena teruskan kehidupan, cari pasangan lain yang dapat bahagiakan ayang dan didik anak2 kita.." Me, as usual would turn 2 deaf ears to him huu, lest a Tsunami of tears would surely create a bizarre scenario. (I'm about to cry now, remembering these lines huu..). My usual answer, "OKAY" huhuuu.

If you are to consider between death and complete paralysis (you have to read hana's article hehe), obviously life would be choosen over death. But do you know whether in 4 years or 5 years taking care of such diasabled person, the same decision will be made again and again? I can't say, because I don't know, because I have never gone through that situation.. But generally a women is more caring.. sayang kat husband walau teruk macamana keadaan pun, tp a husband I personally think lebih cenderung untuk tinggalkan isteri and kahwin lain.

I never feel bored to bombard Athiq with Qs such as
"Abang, kalau ayang takde anak, abang nak kawen lain ke?"
"Abang, kalau ayang cacat, abang nak kawen lain ke?"
"Abang kalau satu hari nanti ayang sakit, abang akan tinggalkan ayang ke?"
"Abang, kalau ayang dah gemuk and tua and tak macam skrg physically, abang akan cari isteri yg muda ke?"
"Abang....." and all sorts of similar questions.. He usually tries not to answer, saying that I always have this negative thinking. By my own definition this is not pessimism, but rather a futuristic anticipation huuu (abang mesti tak setuju ni!)

The thing is, Allah always know what is best for us, and I really like to believe that ALLAH WILL NEVER TEST US WITH SOMETHING THAT WE ARE NOT CAPABLE OF FACING.. Dulu orang selalu tanya, boleh ke duduk jauh and kahwin ni? I said I didn't know because it was something that I had never faced before, but now I know.. And in such times, Allah will always guide you to go through it.. And if you strictly believe that this world is nothing but a mirage.. then you'll fnd the ease of heart that u have been searching for all this while.... insyaAllah

Following the forensic case, I searched hard for the things that will happen to the dead. I found out that there are few hadith Rasulullah telling us that the dead do listen to the livings..

but still, I humbly feel, to look at a paralysed person smiling face is much better than pouring out your kerinduan on a gloomy grave to a silent listener..

On 11th November..

I have few hours left before 12am, for me to increase my ortho knowledge to 6% (which I am sure is a peri-impossible stuff) because at times I am sure I'm best at doing nothing.. with the almost 3 hours seminar that has just finished (oh myyyy), I am at least feeling relieved with the owl that Hazwani has just sent- bringing along with it a very happy news indeed! which is NO PATIENT ADMITTED, and which signifies that I don't need to go to the ward tonight to cover any patient heheee.. and which FURTHER SIGNIFIES.. i have more time to do nothing ~uhuh (while trying to forget the 6% target..). I managed to do a CP in the OT today.. (berkata sambil tersengih-sengih kerana CP itu teruk, tp takpela, sebab my 1st ortho CP), well that was the thing that I had mentioned before

Staring at Athiq's YM & Skype status is indeed depressing (though I know he's busy in the hospital huhuuu, but sometimes I do hope for some miracle to happen such as he is online), which explains my arrival here in this blog just to let the time dashes before me even knowing. Well I do wonder how do the housemans manage their lives though.. Truth is I'm a bit upset over something today, but Allah always knows BEST isn't it? He won't test a person unless he/she is capable of being tested. And worldly life is not that of a single-chance.. unlike in the akhirah.. when one regrets their previous lives and very badly want to return to this world just to perform ibadah, but of course it'll be impossible... naudzubillah, may His Jannah will be our eternal place..

Ummu Ameer's Ortho News

I'm now about to enter my 3rd ortho day, trying to picture a not-so-bright immediate future within 12 weeks from now.. err hoping to see a flicker of light at the end of the tunnel? huu.. my only motivation is the slowly approaching 2-weeks holiday at the end of the posting huhuuuuu. I guess the start wasn't as bad as had being told before.. and the fact that the ortho pillars (the great Doctors) are mostly very fartherly and helpful brighten the prognosis by few percents.. though I don't know how will the transformation take place during exam when exacerbated by our stutterings, blocked thoughts and blank minds...

Tiring? A bit, when I came back from the hospital at around Maghrib even on the 1st 2 orientation days.. Well it was our fault as well, as the 10 of us clerked 1 patient TOGETHER! How our mentor laughed at that, imagining 10 medical students (erk there were 11 of us!! since wani is actually a 2 in 1 person hehe with the baby cosily tagging her around) hovering over a timid 12 yer old boy.. It's the spirit of togetherness I'm sure :) hopefully it'll remain till the end of the posting, when all of us can leave for good; WITHOUT a TCA (To come again), and leave not with just a pass, but with a body of ortho knolwedge competent enough to be applied in practise.

Huu it's the logbook-filling thingy again!!! Looking forward something today :p...........................................

But I do miss Abang very badly, as bad as the IIUM wireless internet connection huu because I am now feeling unsure of whether the connection is really there for us... yep, I spend more time to connect, only to be automatically disconnected immediately.....................................

The Dr told us to increase our knowledge 10% per week. Thus 100% in 10 weeks. 1 week consists of 5 working days, thus 2% per day. but the rate of loss??? a simple mathematical calculation indeed!!

Agar bidadari semuanya cemburu

Another 2 books which I managed to read during the hol.. entah kenapela rajin sgt nak buat book review hari ni..but i think i'm trying hard to wash away the melancholic mood due to the holiday which very nearly reaches the finishing line.. Gosh it sprinted!!
These 2 books belong to Mimi. When I borrowed this book, whe was quite surprised because seriously I'm not the type of person who loves to read books such as "Jadilah wanita plaing bahagia etc.." or specifically motivational books huu. But I guess sometimes you do need a mild dose of motivation.. or because I am in such a desperate position to be a subject of enviousness to the Bidadari Syurga?? Probably.. Um well.. maybe Abang can sense that I nurture envy very succesfully..since I don't only envy other women but bidadari syurga as well!!

From these 2 books, I get new motivation..
Untuk menjadi seperti Saidatina Khadijah, apabila Rasulullah mendapati padanya TEMAN PERJUANGAN dan KESETIAAN MENGGUNUNG:
Suatu ketika Rasulullah mengenangnya, "....Dia beriman kepadaku ketika semua mansuia ingkar. Dia membenarkanku ketika seluruh manusia nmendustakan. Dia membantuku dengan hartanya ketika semua manusia menahan harta mereka..." HR Ahmad

Untuk menjadi seperti Saidatina Aisyah, apabila Rasulullah mendapati padanya KEREHATAN PENUH CINTA:
"Nabi SAW biasa meletakkan kepala di pangkuanku walaupun aku sedang haidh, kemudian beliau membaca Quran" HR Abdurrazaq
Dalam riwayat lain disebutkan ketika sakit Rasulullah menghendaki hari bersama 'Aisyah sehinggga isteri-isterinya mengizinkannya berbuat sebgaimana yang beliau suka. Beliau ingin berada di rumah 'Aisyah hingga meninggal (HR Bukhari)
Dzikwan meriwayatkan bahawa 'Aisyah pernah berkata "Sesungguhnya kenikmatan yg diberikan Allah utkku adalah Rasulullah meninggal di rumahku, di hariku bersamanya, di dalam dakapan dan pelukanku.."

Menjadi seperi Nailah al Farafishah al Kalbiyah yang padanya Utsman ibn Affan dapati KETULUSAN..
bilamana pasukan pembangkang mengepung rumah Utsman lalu menerobos masuk dan mendapati beliau sedang tilawah. Mereka menghayunkan pedang ke tubuh tua Utsman, maka Nailah segera melindungi sehingga jari jemarinya terputus..

Atau seperti Aminah Quthb, isteri kepada Kamal Asy Syanariri (mujahid dakwah agung dr Syaikh Dr Abdullah Azzam) yang menuliskan syair kenangan untuk suami tercintanya dalam Risalah ila Asy Syahid

Aku tidak menunggu kepulangan dan janji2 sore

Aku tidak menunggu kereta kan kembali membawa secercah harap

Kau tinggalkan aku mengharungi hari-hari dalam kebisuan derita

Kau lihatkah bahawa rinduku untuk syurga atau cinta kelangitan

Kau lihatkah bahawa janji itu untuk Allah

Sudah tibakah saat pemenuhannya?

Aku berlalu bagai perindu

Sebagai pemabuk yang cinta mendengarkan panggilan

Kau jumpakah di sana para kekasih?

Apa warna pertemuan itu?

Dalam hijaunya syurga, dalam firdaus dan gemuruh kurnia

Di negeri kebenaran kalian berkumpul

Dalam damai dan perlindungan

Jika memang kerana itu, selamat datang kematian tergilas darah

Akankah aku menemuimu di sana, tinggalkan negeri derita

Ya, kan kutemui kau di sana

Janji yang diyakini orang-orang jujur

Kita dapatkan balasan, atas hari-hari yang kita lalui

Dalam derita dan cobaan

Kita kand dijaga dalam kebaikan

Tanpa takut perpisahan dan kefanaan

Ahh... terasa begitu jauh untuk menjadi seperti mereka.. Mereka yang mendampingi mujahid agama. Namun itu bukan penghalang untuk memasakkan langkah pertama.. kerana aku memang ingin sekali agar sekalian bidadari cemburu padaku

A taste of death...

Life is just like a dream that passes as fast as clouds..

It is mere hour of time that soon fades away...

It is a journey that has already started and will soon come to an abrupt end...

-an excerpt from Silent Moments by Abdul Malik al-Qasim-

O people!

Work righteous deeds, beware of Allah, the Exalted ans Modt-Honoured, and neither be betrayed by long hopes nor forget the end of life. Do not recline to this life, it deceives with its pleasures and anticipated future.

Life has beautified itself for those who seek its hand in marriage and became like the bride, to whom the eyes are staring, the hearts are directed and the souls are dedicating their love. How many a lover of this life has it destroyed? How many are those who rejoiced in it only to be betrayed soon after? Therefore look at it with the eye of truth, for it is a dwelling that has many traps and een its creator has belittled it. The new of this life soon becomes old, its kinship quickly vanishes, its mighty becomes disgraced, its abunant becomes little, its affection dies out and its pleasure perish.

Therefore wake up, may Allah grant His Mercy to you, from your sleep and be alert from your slumber, before it proclaims that so-and-so (you) has become ill or his movement has become heavy. Are there guides who lead to the cure and direct to the healer then? The doctors will be summoned for you, but they will render your recovery as unlikely. It will be then proclaimed that so-and-so has counted his wealth and wrote his will and testament. It will be said that his tongue has become heavy and so, he does not speak to his brethren or know his neighbours. Then your forehead will become sweaty and sighs of pain continuous. You will feel certain that death is approaching; your eyelids will become heavy, your doubts will turn to certainty, your tongue will mumble and your brethren will weep for you.

You will be told that this is your son and this is your brother, but you will not be able to speak, nor will your tongue b able to move. Then, the appointed destiny will overtake you and your soul will be deatched from your limbs and ascended to heaven. Your brethren will now gather around you, your shroud will be brought forth and they will wash you and wrap you with your shroud.

Those who used to visit you will cease to do so...

and those who envied you will put at rest their enviousness...

Your family will direct their attention at your wealth..

while you will be tied to your actions..............

Just one more day!

Just 1 more day before Forensic posting will end.. And I can't patiently wait for that day... I really have to admit the gigantic regret towards the finishing holiday.. ahh life is so tiring that sometimes you forget to inhale a deep and refreshing breath..
I have my own share of bad smell, nausea and vomiting in the mortuary, a fair share in braving traffic jams and not to forget, the haunting nightmares, waking up crying during the night only to make Athiq feel stress huuu (the only irony is my increasing appetite!!)
Being in the mortuary isn't something any sane human would dream of or worst; die for... (uh-uh we-ll, as a matter of fact, one really 'DIE FOR' a mortuary haha when one can only get into the mortuary once he/she is dead). But on the other end, I have to admit that I learnt a lot. First, I learn to pray hard that my body will not be investigated and post-mortemed. Second, I think hard of what happen after death...and feel... afraid? Just imagine when you are in the autopsy room (the room where post-mortems are carried out), a dead body laid on a steel bed, before your very eyes... and you start to wonder.. What is the ruh doing? Does the ruh look at the body from above? Can the dead hear us? Can they understand? Macamane keadaan dia dihadapan Allah? Gembirakah? Sedihkah? Adakah mereka ingin kembali ke dunia dan beramal..? endless questions... And when these questions are haywiring in the brain just like neurotransmitters during seizure... you start to reflect upon your own life.. What have I done in the almost 23 years of my life? Have I done enough? Am I prepared to leave this world to meet my creator? Do I feel my life is meaningful..? Do I regret the way I treat my loved ones? I don't know... I'm in such a bizarre state of mind........................

A surprise love letter for Athiq :) (silalah Athiq je yang baca ok)

I really want you to smile like this.. always :)

Saja upload gambar abang , masak ikan bakar during the previous ramadhan..

Kata ayah, "Kita dan Hawa semakin jauh terpisah bukan kerana jarak, tetapi kerana memori Hawa terhadap kita yg semakin hari semakin hilang"

Nenek membalas, " Tidak. Kamu salah. Kasih Hawa pada kita bukan seperti air sungai yang mengalir lalu hilang di muara. Kasih Hawa pada kita bukan seperti air hujan yang turun ke bumi meresap ke tanah lalu terus hilang, Tapi kasih Hawa pada kita bagai sang mentari yang sentiasa bersinar terang si siang hari. Dan pabila malam, ia memancarkan sinar melalui bulan dan bintang-bintang"

Everytime I come back home, Ummi surely would be following a new drama. And now it's the Puteri Bunian. (Those who watch the movie must be familiar with the dialogue hehe). And me? As usual, terpengaruh haha.

Athiq, when I listened to that dialogue, immediately I was reminded of you.. Sometimes I think that's how u perceive things between us.. right?

Athiq,
My love to you are neither limited by distance, nor growing dimmer with separation. It's not measured by how often we talk to each other. It's not fading as I get busier. It's not diminishing by our memories that keep moving farther from us (unless 1 day I get Alzheimer and can't even recognize you huu). I know you miss my presence, miss my touch, miss my cooking, miss my jokes (ayang pernah buat joke ke??), miss staring at my cute face (uhukss sorry terangkat bakul sendiri), miss my 'daily sermon' (i really should learn to stop giving 'sermon'), miss my crying (eventhough abang tak pandai nak pujuk, thus resorted to merajuk bersama-sama and ended in me pujuk abang!! haha), miss my attention, .... And especially rindu utk disuap makan lagi!! Abang, abang.. abang ni memang la sangaaaatttt manja (tapi abang kata aku gedik.. huu tak patut sungguh!!) . Tapi abang kena belajar berdikari hidup sendiri kat sana. Abang asyik stress pasal pergi ward, stress pasal internet tak elok, stress sebab laptop hang, stress sebab rumah takde air, stress sebab letih kemas rumah DAN SEBAGAINYA.. sebenarnya Abang nak cakap kat ayang yang abang memang tengah sangat stress, tp not because of the reasons that you gave, but because I'm not with you..kan? kan?

Athiq, eventhough I don't know how to be romantic, I'm not that dumb to not understand the things that you are trying to tell. But you have to be patient in waiting for the brighter days that are yet to come.. and as for the meantime, be STRONG and let the spirit of jihad blazing big and bright in you.. I know you are strong, but there's no harm in reminding again and again, isn't it? Hehe

And you can freely ask Ummi what have I done with regards to the coming Jordan trip (ngeh3)

And for your love that you have allowed me to cherish and enjoy... this poem is dedicated to you, my love...............

If ever two were one, then surely we.
If ever man were lov'd by wife, then thee (you).
If ever wife was happy in a man,
Compare with me, ye woman, if you can.
I prize thy(your) love more than whole mines of gold,
Or all the riches that the east doth(does) hold.
My love is such that rivers cannot quench,
Nor ought but love from thee(you) give recompence.
Thy(Your) love is such I can no way repay;
The heavens reward thee(you) manifold I pray.
Then while we live, in love let's so persever,
That when we love no more, we may live ever.
-Anne Bradstreet-

3rd day of the holiday

Although I prefer to write a long love letter, of flowery words and romantic lines for Athiq, I have succeeded in convincing myself that writing here is worth the effort (as if i have to put any effort in rambling??). My kids in the future probably would want to know how do I progress.

Yup, I did go back on Monday, braving the cats-and-dogs rain, starting the journey home at around 6pm. And thanks to Azi who accompanied me :p things just fell in place, probably mesti Athiq doa byk2 so that I could go home on the very day hehehe

I was being very quiet lately, after self-certifying myself as an unpaid maid in the house (we don't have a paid maid ok :p), but nevertheless, I enjoyed spending my time in the kitchen (of course not by doing nothing) trying out one recipe after another. The latest edition is chocolates with caramel filling.

I'm trying to start a business of chocolates and bakery prodcuts, (now that I'm moving out form the hostel insyaAllah) .. the recipe-trying session is endless!! I have to retire early during the night out of exhaustion, although I miss YM-ing abang huuu (because we usually YM in the wee hours of the morning considering the time difference).

Of course I want to upload the pics, but since I personally feel it is a big sin for me to hold abah's D90 (because I don't know the simplest tactic in photography), I'm pestering Yasir to complete the job of taking the pics haha. But y know when u r depending on someone else, you just have to practise patience.. will write later..

Abang, minta maaf..

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim,

Skrg waktu Malaysia 3:18 am, 26 Oct 2006.. Menandakan final exam yang akan bermula dalam bbrp jam sahaja lagi.. Dan pagi ini rindu kepada satu satunya cintaku yang jauh di perantauan begitu menguasai diri. Selalunya di waktu begini, YM statusnya online, tp tidak malam ini. Dia sibuk barangkali.

Kerinduan untuk pulang menjalani kehidupan hari-hari bersama Ummi dan ahli keluarga yang lain tidak kalah untuk membuatkan hati gundah. Ahh tak sabarnya untuk pulang.. Namun bila sahaja isu pulang ke rumah timbul, fikiran kembali teringat offline message dari abang yang aku terima tadi,

Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq (10/25/2009 11:03:49 PM): Salam.... Abg xkesah je ayang nak balik kul brapa pun, yg penting berteman. Ajak laa azi or wani or sape2 temankan..

Sudah puas dipujuk semenjak seminggu yang lalu supaya ku dibenarkan pulang sendiri. Mana tidaknya, exam habis jam 5 petang.. pasti ramai yang sudah keletihan dan ingin pulang ke kampung masing2 keesokan harinya sahaja. Beg untuk dibawa pulang pun sudah disiapkan 2 minggu yang lalu, mebuktikan betapa tidak sabarnya...

Di kala offline message tu diterima, hati sedikit terusik.. kerana merasakan apakah aku terlalu berlebihan dalam memujuk abang, sehingga abang kelihatan agak letih melayan karenahku yang kurang bijaknya.. Abang memang memiliki sifat tolak ansur yang tinggi, namun dalam persoalan keselamatan, dia langsun tidak berkompromi.. dan aku seperti biasa degil dengan pendirian yang tidak berasas huu

Bukankah Allah ciptakan wanita itu penuh dengan tipu helah. Dalam ayat Quran disebutkan "Kaidahunna azhim". Tipu daya mereka (wanita) sangat besar!! Satu cara tidak berjaya, dia akan menggunakan taktik lain pula untuk mencapai sesuatu tujuan. Dan aku? Tidak pernah lelah dan jemu memikirkan taktik terbaru untuk memujuk abang.. SIASAH! Siasah adalah politik, dan politik adalah strategi :D Sehingga kadang2 apabila aku sudah buntu dan kekeringan idea, aku menangis kekecewaan. Tidak disangka air mata itu juga yang akhirnya melembutkan hati abang hehe (ini kes sekali sekala je ok)

Saat ini memori membawa aku ke suatu peristiwa yang cukup memberi pengajaran.. ketika aku di Kedah tak lama dahulu. Perkahwinan mana yang tidak dihiasi dengan salah faham, benar kan? Begitu juga aku dan Abang, tapi kami tidak menyesali perkara tersebut. Kerana dengan pergaduhan itu, kita akan lebih mengenali peribadi dan keperluan masing-masing dan lebih membarakan perasaan cinta insyaAllah.

Malam itu telah sangat larut dan kami baru pulang dari beraya. Aku kurang biasa beraya sakan, kerana kami (my family) biasa beraya dirumah sendiri sahaja- A very quiet raya :) , maka ketika itu aku sangat keletihan. Dan aku kadangkala sangat2 rindu dengan cara kehidupan biasa sejak aku dilahirkan. Rindu kepada Ummi dan Abah, dan adik beradik. Bila letih menguasai, salah faham menjadi pasangan.

Kisah tu memang panjang, tapi dipendekkan la.. akhirnya abang bawa aku berjalan naik kereta. We weren't talking to each other at that time (abang selalu buat something yang buatkan aku rasa insaf huu. Asifah habibi sebab suka susahkan nta..) dan aku pun tak tahu abang nak bawa g mana. Tp yg pasti waktu tu keluar dlm keadaan yang sangat tak dirancang (It was past 12am), aku keluar pakai kain batik je haha (tak pernah seumur hidup g bandar pakai kain batik je. Tapi duduk dalam kereta je la). Abang pulak buatkan a mug of air kegemaran aku- iced chocolate drink. Waktu dia datang kat kereta, dia serahkan mug tu without saying anything, dan sepanjang perjalanan i held the mug loyally, tak pasti apa yg patut dibuat dengan air tu.. Bila ada bump je, air pun berkocak dan tumpah2 atas pakaian, sejuk dan melekit (air manis kan) huu. Akhirnya abang bawa g masjid Bukhary (org Alor Setar tahula tempat ni kan :p). Abang tinggalkan aku dalam kereta, dan dia keluar untuk solat di masjid tersebut. Aku pun terpinga-pinga la dalam kereta. Entah bagaimana, Allah ilhamkan supaya aku belek buku tentang suami isteri (I can't remember the exact topic, I'll try to write about it later). Buku tu abang hadiahkan dulu, memang aku letak dalam kereta sebab bila sahaja abang tgh memandu, aku akan bacakan buku tu dan kami sama-sama muhasabah. Perancangan Allah, automatik aku terbuka satu page dlm buku tu.. dan terus terbaca apa yang tertulis di situ...

Nak tahu apa isinya?...

~ PESAN UMAMAH AL-HARITH ~

" Wahai puteriku!Sesungguhnya jika nasihat ini kutinggalkan kerana keutamaan adab,tentu ia akan kutinggalkan hanya bagimu sahaja.Tetapi ini adalah pertolongan bagi orang yang lalai dan pertolongan bagi orang yang berakal.Andai kata wanita tidak memerlukan suami kerana kekayaan orang tuanya dan kerana kecintaan kedua orang tuanya kepada dirinya ,maka akulah orang yang paling tidak memerlukan suami. Tetapi wanita itu diciptakan untuk lelaki dan lelaki diciptakan untuk wanita.Wahai puteriku!Engkau akan berpisah dengan rumah yang pernah bersatu denganmu dan meninggalkan tempat yang pernah membesarkanmu,menuju ke tempat yang belum engkau kenali dan pendamping yang yang belum pernah dekat denganmu. Dengan kekuasaannya dia akan menjadi pengawas dirimu dan orang yang menguasaimu.Maka jadilah diri sebagai abdinya nescaya dia akan menjadi hamba yang patuh bagimu.

Jagalah sepuluh perkara nescaya akan menjadi simpanan bagimu iaitu :

Pertama dan kedua ~ Tunduk kepadanya dengan penuh kerelaan,mendengar dan taat kepadanya dengan cara yang baik.

Ketiga dan keempat~ Memerhatikan sasaran mata dan hidungnya. Jangan sampai matanya melihat sesuatu yang buruk pada dirimu dan janganlah sampai dia mencium bau yang kurang enak dari dirimu.

Kelima dan keenam ~ Memerhatikan waktu tidur dan makannya kerana rasa lapar itu boleh membara dan rasa mengantuk itu boleh membakar sifat amarah.

Ketujuh dan kelapan ~ Menjaga hartanya,mengambil berat kerabat dan saudara-saudaranya. Kemampuan menjaga harta adalah mengukurnya dengan cara yang baik dan kemampuan menjaga saudara adalah dengan mengurus dengan cara yang baik.

Kesembilan dan kesepuluh ~ Janganlah ingkar perintahnya dan jangan membocorkan rahsianya. Sebab jika engkau ingkar perintahnya beerti engkau telah membakar dadanya dan jika engkau membocorkan rahsianya engkau tidak akan aman dari pengkhianatannya.Kemudian janganlah engkau menunjukkan kegembiraan di hadapannya ketika ia bersedih dan sebaliknya janganlah engkau menunjukkan kesedihan kepadanya jika dia dalam keadaan gembira.

Bila sahaja selesai membaca, memang air mata jatuh berderai dan bercucuran mengenangkan betapa sabarnya abang mendidikku untuk menjadi isteri solehah. Sesungguhnya aku masih jauh dari menjadi bidadarinya. Langsung tidak sabar menanti abang selesaikan solat. Sebaik dia masuk ke dalam kereta, aku terus mencium tangannya, meminta maaf dan menangis sepuas2nya dalam pelukan abang.. sungguh kadang2 aku terlalu terbawa2 dengan dunia, sehingga terlupa bahawa tiket untukku ke syurga ada padanya..

Asifah abang, sebab kadang2 terlalu dikuasai emosi sehingga terlupa mengutamakan dan meraikan pandangan dan perasaan Abang.. Minta maaf.. (tak sempat nak minta maaf dari abang sebelum exam huu, tp abang mesti doakan juga kan :p hehe)

Be humble..

[34]Kaum lelaki itu adalah pemimpin dan pengawal yang bertanggungjawab terhadap kaum perempuan, oleh kerana Allah telah melebihkan orang-orang lelaki (dengan beberapa keistimewaan) atas orang-orang perempuan, dan juga kerana orang-orang lelaki telah membelanjakan (memberi nafkah) sebahagian dari harta mereka. Maka perempuan-perempuan yang soleh itu ialah yang taat (kepada Allah dan suaminya), dan yang memelihara (kehormatan dirinya dan apa jua yang wajib dipelihara) ketika suami tidak hadir bersama, dengan pemuliharaan Allah dan pertolonganNya. Dan perempuan-perempuan yang kamu bimbang melakukan perbuatan derhaka (nusyuz) hendaklah kamu menasihati mereka, dan (jika mereka berdegil) pulaukanlah mereka di tempat tidur, dan (kalau juga mereka masih degil) pukulah mereka (dengan pukulan ringan yang bertujuan mengajarnya). Kemudian jika mereka taat kepada kamu, maka janganlah kamu mencari-cari jalan untuk menyusahkan mereka. Sesungguhnya Allah Maha Tinggi, lagi Maha Besar.
Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband’s) absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (Next), refuse to share their beds, (And last) beat them (lightly); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them Means (of annoyance): For Allah is Most High, great (above you all).

It’s now 1.44am I am trying to read on Dyslipidemia CPG after being bashed to a rag by a Dr during one of our classes- for not reading it earlier huuu. That’s the superficial act. I am actually sitting in front of the laptop in a very close proximity to Abang (who is sleeping soundly) trying hard to make him feel my presence (by making exaggerated movements and acceptable decible) thus indirectly wake him up because I am feeling so hungry huhu though sahur time will be few hours from now :( (Suppressing my frustration) he isn’t giving any positive sign to wake up and entertain my starving tummy huuuuuu.
We actually slept straightaway after maghrib prayer. I don’t know what’s happening to me lately, I get lethargic by doing nothing, that’s so indecent. I can’t even stand a 2 hour class, that’s is so unacceptable universally –sigh-
Alhamdulillah family medicine posting officially ended yesterday after handing in the logbook and second case write up. However the BEST part is, Abang was given a homework- he has to do a case writeup!!! How I teased him on that hehe. Chayoukk abang!!! I guess he becomes a regular tagger of a doctor in KK and in doing home visit, thus the acquirement of case writeup assignment. Next is case presentation (am I glad about that hehe). What’s next??

Haha, that (the above) was written almost 1.5 months ago. I’m arranging and cleaning my laptop, and suddenly found this short excerpt from my life diary. Failing to find the strength to throw away this piece, I decide to write something on it.
Once upon a time, I came across a saying (I still remember it was in a magazine that K.Aini gave to me) which says ‘seorang gadis tidak akan menghendaki apa-apa di dalam dunia ini melainkan seorang suami, saat dia sudah bersuami, dia mahukan segala2nya yang ada di dalam dunia’. Abang pulak selalu kata, ‘wanita banyak nafsu. Nafsu nak makanan sedap,nafsu nak barang kemas dan perhiasan, nafsu nak pergi kedai kain (erk ni memang perli nih), nafsu shopping (ni perli lagi heheh), nafsu nak rumah besar etc, tp lelaki ada satu je nafsu. Nafsu nakkan perhiasan dunia yg paling indah’. Hmm what would that be? If you have ever heard, ‘seindah-indah perhiasan dunia adalah wanita solehah’.

When I ponder upon the first saying, I think it is true (in my case at least). There was nothing that I wanted except to be a wife when I was single, and now once I become a wife, it seems like I want so many things (except for jewelleries of course because no matter how hard I’ve tried, the chemistry between me and jewelleries is still lacking. Abang silalah jangan berkecil hati when I don’t wear my engagement and wedding ring :p).

Of course one can’t blindly follow their nafsu isn’t it? Islam teaches us that, humanity also teaches us that. If one gets a husband who is so tolerant, one should be more than thankful. I am reminded of the kosher system adopted by the Jews, whereby a woman is not welcomed in a family gathering e.g a family dinner. What more if they are menstruating, they are degraded further down below the level of a maid! They are considered dirty. If I were in that place, I am sure being the rebellious me, I won’t hesitate an inch to conduct a reformation or possibly form an organization fighting for women’s rights haha. I am also reminded of the orthodox or traditional malay concept whereby women have to blindly follow whatever their husbands’ say, claiming that all the time that they would be an isteri durhaka should they try to voice out their opinion.

One should be clear of the definition of a discussion. A wife is no less a human that needs to be heard and to be understood. Ahh I’m getting a bit emotional here because I think psychological abuse on a wife is everywhere.

On the other extreme, it is a bizarre if a wife tries to defend herself and fulfill her nafsu by using religion as a stand hehe. When I said to abang, “Abang tahu tak, duit abang duit ayang jugak. Tapi duit ayang duit ayang sorang ok”. Umar and Yasir claim that I am a very unbelievable mata duitan type of wife hahaha. Abang asked back, ”Betul ke? Tak adil la macam tu sebab abang banyak tanggungan. Takkan guna duit abang sorang je!”I answered “Betul, sebab abang ingat tak ayat Quran yang cakap ar-rijal (lelaki) lebih kuat (or utama) berbanding wanita kerana apa yang mereka nafkahkan dari harta mereka…” Abang replied “Haa nasib baik tahu nak jawab” (Abang tahu sbnrnya, saje je nak uji huu) And I smiled in a satisfied mode.
HOWEVER the very same Quranic verse, doesn’t just stop there! It continues by addressing the women with ‘maka beramal solehlah, taatlah..

If I work and most of my times are spent at work, he has the right to ask me to quit. If I work and come back home tired, incapable of fully functioning as a wife, he has the right to fire me back. Now that I am studying and neglect my responsibility as a wife totally (staying far from him), if he instructs me to terminate my study and live with him, I have to obey. And worst if I work and gain money, he won’t forever has his share. But still despite all these, he still tolerates with the condition and practices patience. He even further asks “I have fulfilled your social needs, am I right?” Subhanallah, mashaAllah, what more could a wife ask for?? To MYSELF especially and all the wives out there, and all the wives-to-be, be humble, get down to earth and don’t be too demanding. (Huuuu how much harder can it be when you have 99 nafsu all screaming for freedom in all directons!!). To Abang, sorry if I am too demanding huuu (bak kata Ustaz Samsuri, “org perempuan ni hari ni minta maaf, teriak tak mo buat lagi, dah insaf dsb, 2 hari lepas tu dia ada tak puas hati dgn kita (suami), dia p attack balik. Org perempuan MEMANG Allah ciptakan dia lagu tu..” )

Finally the research report! Alhamdulillah

Another long hours in the biostat lab.. Alhamdulillah the research report finally has been submitted. It’s neither the best research nor the best report, but it was my 1st formal research related to medicine J which surely paved my way towards an interesting branch of medicine. The raya gathering by the Dept of community health and family medicine this afternoon put an end to the posting (before the exam of course). Alhamdulillah for the proper meal J (nasi minyak and satay gee) considering that I’ve been living on junkfood for quite some time (if apples and bananas and granola and muesli bars are considered junkfood huu). I’ve been reminding myself to keep a pair of watchful eyes on my diet but I guess I still fail (Abang’s warning so that I gain weight before he’d allow me to get pregnant isn’t effective either. Abang, I’m fine huu~ My BMI is just fine)

My plan to go out and get some groceries from the store has been postponed for few days, and I definitely have another application to be made- to go out tomorrow. Huu but we have classes with Dr Samsul tomorrow, thus the not-so-bright prospect of an outing to take place.. I guess Abang is also busy with the coming exam in 5 days. Right now I’m feeling grateful with my luck that Abang is not around geee~ It’s not that I don’t miss him (because in truth, I miss him terribly), but sometimes life is so cruel to drain each drop of energy from every single cell in my body.. if abang is around, I am dead sure that many of his rights will be neglected.. tak patut huu kesian kat abang... And me? I just want to sleep sleep and sleep. I sleep because I feel tired, ok. (Of course if ummi knows about this, then she would straightaway postulate that I’m tired not because of lack in sleep but because I don’t get enough nutrients. Huu I always pretend that she’s going overboard in accusing me, but most of the time, I seriously think she’s 148384% right!!!) At times, I try to find the best solution as how to balance between work and family. Especially for working wife, working mother, working daughter.. I have to meekly admit that when Abang was around, he was so helpful up to washing our clothes (I have never imagined before that I’d marry someone who is very humble to do the household chores.. JAZAKALLAH abang, if u r reading this) and sometimes iron my clothes when I panic due to time constraint (I have this never-ending issue with time, and now the issue has widened its coverage whereby I have an issue with abang pulak hehe. Simply because he could never understand why do I have to go to class half an hour before the scheduled time. Dia kata aku skema sangat sampai melampau up to the level of ‘unacceptable’ hehe).

Yesterday he told me that he’ll be busy this week, and that we may not be able to contact each other until the coming weekend.. Sampai begitu sekalikah?? Huu. Since I don’t have him to listen to my ramblings (and since I think Ummi has given up on the job -(she happily calls it a quit I guess hehe :p- of listening to my ramblings after our marriage) I finally return to this old good space of mine.. all the time aware that my ED note is screaming for my attention.By the way if you happen to be an IIUM Year 4 Medical Student, and interested to get the Family Medicine and Public Health notes, silalah ke desktop of lecture hall 5 KOM ok. Initially ah long dude suggested that we create links to our homemade notes, but truthfully I’m too lazy to upload them huu

maryamalbatul : abang..

maryamalbatul : td ayang xg kedai pun
Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq : ye sayang...

Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq : laaaa.......

Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq : nape?

maryamalbatul : ayang g esok la ye hehe

maryamalbatul : td ayang penat

Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq : ooo

maryamalbatul : kitorng siapkn report research dr 10pg smp hapir 6 ptg

maryamalbatul : berhenti lunch n zohr je

maryamalbatul : esok presentatn. lepas present, ada jamuan raya department buat insyaAllah hehe

Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq : ooo..ic..

Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq : huhuuu

Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq : susah laa camni..

maryamalbatul : nape?

Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq : sbb permission yg abg kasi just valid for today...

Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq : heeeeeeeeeeeeee

maryamalbatul : alah, ayang nak apply permission setahun la camtu

Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq : erk...

Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq: susah laa camni..

maryamalbatul : nape?

Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq : sbb xbest laaa kalau kasi permission setahun...lesen keta pun renew setahun 2 kali..

Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq : huhuhu

maryamalbatul : lesen ayang sekali dlm 5 tahun..

Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq : erk..

Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq : susah laa camni..

maryamalbatul : camtu ikut lesen kereta ayang laa..

Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq : erk...

Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq : alamak..

Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq : huhuu

maryamalbatul : :D

huu ade ke isteri yg mintak permission utk keluar macam renew driving license? huuu.

P/s: Note on Erectile Dysfunction has just been completed!!

Perkahwinan jarak jauh

Sekarang jam 5 pagi waktu Malaysia. Waktu yang sangat sesuai untuk bertahajjud dan bermunajat. Waktu yang juga paling syahdu. As for me in my daily routine, inilah waktu paling aku terkenangkan zauj yang jauh di mata. Dan kenangan itu sentiasa membuatkan aku rindu pada insan yang sewajarnya ku berikan sepenuh ketaatan dan penghormatan.
Pada waktu ini juga aku selalu mengemis simpati Tuhan agar sentiasa bekalkan aku kekuatan untuk menghadapi hari yang panjang. Moga permulaan yang baik membawa keberkatan berpanjangan dalam kehidupan hari-hari. Pada waktu ini juga aku tidak malu merayu, agar Dia memudahkan segala urusan abang, agar Dia hadiahkan kekuatan jiwa kepada abang untuk teruskan perjuangan jauh dari insan2 yang dia cintai.

Pada waktu ini juga aku sering bermuhasabah, benarkah pilihan dan tindakan kami untuk berkahwin dan hidup berjauhan. Bukan sedikit yang hairan apabila mengetahui suamiku merantau jauh ke bumi Anbiya Jordan. Bukan sedikit yang bertanya bagaimana aku dapat berjauhan dengan dia. Bukan sedikit juga yang menasihatkan aku supaya jangan kerap menangis (ini memang pelik, sebab aku jarang sekali menangisi perpisahan aku dengan abang. Mungkin sebab shbt2 sedia maklum aku ni cry-baby kot huu) Bukan tidak sedih, bukan tidak rindu. Tetapi aku terlalu mengerti bahawa perpisahan ini insyaAllah tidak sia-sia, insyaAllah sementara, insyaAllah yang terbaik untuk kami dalam sela waktu ini, insyaAllah perpisahan yang ditaqdirkan dan diredhaiNya.. Dan kerana itu aku mendidik jiwa agar kuat untuk terus melangkah walaupun abang tidak ada disisi untuk memegang tanganku dan mengetuai permusafiran.

Ketika aku mengambil keputusan untuk bernikah dahulu, aku sudahpun bertemu dengan ramai orang yang melalui pengalaman sama. Bertanyakan bagaimana keadaan dan perasaan mereka saat berjauhan dari suami, bertanyakan bagaimana prestasi pelajaran dan kualiti hidup, pendek kata sudah terlalu acap aku bertanyakan perkara ini. Dan akhirnya aku nekad juga dengan keputusan untuk bernikah walaupun hati kadang2 masih ragu-ragu untuk mengambil risiko. Bak kata orang, belum cuba belum tau. Belum test, belum tau power :p

Abang pun suatu waktu dahulu kadangkala goyah untuk mara setapak membuat keputusan yang sangat besar dalam kehidupannya yakni menerima amanah sebagai suami. Aku akui, tanggungjawab suami jauh lebih besar dan berat dari isteri. Kalaulah ada yang berkata kepadaku, Islam itu menindas wanita, maku aku akan berkata betapa dangkalnya fahamanmu kerana Islam mengangkat martabat wanita seperti seorang permaisuri dalam sesebuah rumahtangga!! Dan sememangnya aku merasakan perkara itu Alhamdulillah :) Jazakallah abang untuk layanan istimewa!

Tapi dalam hati berbolak balik, kami terus juga berusaha untuk berkahwin. Kesusahan untuk mendapat keizinan berkahwin dan keredhaan ibu bapa (it was very hard indeed!!) memang banyak mengajar kami menjadi matang, dan menthabatkan hati. Tempoh lebih 2 tahun kami membuat rayuan ke pejabat PAMA di Shah Alam dan Alor Setar akhirnya membuahkan hasil hehe. Kalau ditakung air mata yang ditumpahkan dlm tempoh itu, tentunya lebih sebaldi! Allah lebih mengetahui apa yang terbaik.

Selepas berkahwin, kami bertarung pula dengan isu perpisahan dan hidup berjauhan. Pastinya isu berat untuk suami isteri (in my case, pasti bertambah berat sebab aku ada homesickness yang teruk. I think that was the main reason my parents were reluctant to allow me to get married and stay far apart from my husband huu. Waktu tu aku memang dasar tak sedar diri kot huu) Tapi disebabkan perkara ini telah kami sepakati sebelum berkahwin, Alhamdulillah hati tidaklah terlalu memberontak tiap kali kami terpisah jauh.

Perbezaan waktu antara aku dan abang 5 jam. Aku baru bangun qiam, abang baru tidur. Sometimes I receive his offline messages 2 to 3 minutes sebelum aku online. Aku dah nak pergi kelas, abang baru nak qiam. Aku baru nak lunch, abang baru sampai universiti. Aku balik kepenatan waktu petang, abang tgh sibuk di hospital. Aku baru nak keluar g meeting, ceramah etc around jam 8 malam, abang baru nak balik. usually abang balik around 10pm waktu malaysia. Aku baru balik bilik sometimes around 12am, abg bersiap nak g masjid n solat and lepastu dia ada program. If aku ada kat bilik malam tu, usually ada discussion ngn kawan or study group. Hakikatnya memang susah juga kadang2 nak berhubung dgn abang. Maka selalulah kami bagi offline messages je huu. Tapi it is sweet in a sense, bila aku online je, mesti excited nak baca offline message from him hehe. Waktu jumat malam dan sabtu malam barulah aku dpt betul2 berhubung dengan abang. sebabnya abang cuti jumaat dan sabtu. Selalunya hari jumaat, dia akn start online lepas balik dr solat jumaat which equals to around maghrib waktu malaysia. memang terhad. Even bila abang balik Malaysia pun, ada waktu yang dia terpaksa meninggalkan aku beberapa hari kerana mengikuti program Islami, dan banyak pula waktu yang aku terpaksa meninggalkannya kerana keperluan lain..

Aku tak nafikan kadangkala sebagai seorang wanita, seorang isteri aku lemah dengan emosi. Merajuk bila aku rasakan abang sibuk dengan aktiviti di sana, sibuk dengan persatuan. Tapi abang memang hebat, even kalau aku tak beritahu dia pun waktu tgh YM yg aku tgh sedih and sometimes menangis, he could detect. Kalau tgh call of course la dia tau kan sebab suara sengau menangis huu. Hati dan minda adalah 2 perkara berbeza. Selalunya minda dapat berikan rational untuk setiap perkara yang berlaku tapi hati suka saja ikut emosi yang tak menentu. Selalu saja aku mengerti kenapa abang buat sesuatu perkara, tapi aku masih nak merajuk dan bersedih. Cthnya kalau abang ada iftar dgn usrah dia atau dia ada program, aku selalu sedih sebab nanti tak dpt YM dgn dia. (Eventhough I myself slalu jugak sibuk dgn hal2 lain tp abang tak pernah complain pun huu) Tapi bila fikirkan balik, itulah stress-coping mechanism dia dan tak adil if aku menghalang dia dari menjalani kehidupan biasa di Jordan. Biarlah dia sibuk dengan aktiviti di sana sepertimana sebelum berkahwin dulu. And I think aku suka juga susahkan hati abang bila merengek nak macam2 especially bab dpt anak waktu study. Abang pun layan je la hehe. As for me that's the best way, and I also do the same thing to abang. Cthnya aku kata nak berhenti belajar sebab tanak duduk jauh dgn abang, dia suruh aku dtg jordan. Tp tak lama lepastu aku sendiri yang taknak berhenti belajar. Aku kata nak anak, abang kata ok je, lepastu aku sendiri yang fikir balik betul ke. Aku kata nanti malas nak kerja sebab nak jadi housewife macam ummi je, abang kata bagusla duduk rumah jaga anak dan suami je, tapi aku sendiri yang lepastu taknak jd housewife. Mcm2 lagi.. Macam tu juga abang, bila tgh sedih dia kata dia tak suka duduk Jordan sebab rindu pd isteri nan satu ni, aku ckp kat dia pergi buat surat kat MARA dan Universiti yg dia nak tangguhkan pengajian sampai aku grad, tapi lepastu dia sendiri yang taknak tangguh pengajian hehe. Sedih dan rindu tu datang sekejap2, lepas tu OK insyaAllah :D

When he was around, kami suka juga bincang life macamana yang kami nak nanti. Abang suka g masjid dan suka ajak aku g masjid, and I would always tell him, kalau ada anak nanti, I want keadaan tak berubah, setiap kali ke masjid nak bawa anak-anak. Or kalau aku sedih abang g program, I would always convince myself bila ada anak nanti, I want my children dapat tarbiyah sedari kecil, selalu join their mummy n daddy pergi usrah, tamrin etc. For that reason, aku perlu kuat bermula sekarang. Dan perbincangan yang selalu adalah nama anak huu. Kalau aku kadang2 dihasuti syaitan dan dipengaruhi nafsu malas nak mengaji, aku dan abang suka discuss nak anak2 kami jadi hafizul dan hafizatul Quran, maka kami yang kena rajin dulu. Kadang2 kami round survey rumah n harga rumah, and discuss macamana rumah kami nanti (ni aku yg suka). Abang pulak suka cerita kereta yang dia suka, dan dia nak berusaha dapat kereta tu nanti. For all those reasons and for all those things that we have done, they make us feel stronger, and that we have each other in braving the world.

Artikel ni aku tulis lepas baca artikel tulisan Ummu Thana' (kenalan melalui blog). I feel apa yg dia lalui sama macam apa yang aku lalui, dan sometimes bila aku rasa lemah dan sedih I will read their blogs (Psgn muda yg hidup berjauhan) just to keep myself reminded, jika aku rasa sedih bukan aku je yang bersedih. Kadang2 aku mengadu kat abang, aku rindu kat abang, dia kata dia lebih2 lagi rindu dan sedih and that I will never understand perasaan seorang suami yang meninggalkan isteri yakni satu amanah yang sgt berat.

Aku suka sangat ingatkan abang, kalaupun hari ini aku menangis, itu tangisan rindu untuk sesuatu yang halal buatku, dan bukan seperti sebelumnya aku menangis kerana kesedihan dan tekanan perasaan. Dan kalaulah hari ini kita menyesali hidup berjauhan, sebenarnya sememangnya sebelum ini kita tidak pernah bersama, malahan kini abang sudah menjadi milikku, maka masihkah ada penyesalan yang tersisa? Aku tenang kerana aku jelas dengan tujuan kita, perpisahan yang sementara, moga setiap pengorbanan kita menjadi asbab untuk mendapat redha dan kasih sayangNya. Dan kalaulah kita ditaqdirkan berpisah selama2nya didunia kerana maut itu suatu yang pasti, aku masih bercita-cita menjadi isterimu di syurga!

An event of rarity

I'm about to enter the 3rd week without Abang (I wonder why do I have to keep counting and mention it here huu)

We went to PKD (Pejabat Kesihatan Daerah) Kuantan yesterday, as we had an attachment with KPAS (Keselamatan Pekerjaan dan Alam Sekitar) unit- the 5 of us which includes Wani, Najwa, Hafiz, Faizul and me.

As usual we went with Hafiz's car- a blue Proton Wira yg banyak sangat berjasa membawa kitorng ke attachment2 lain huu. The day turned out to be eventful when we were on our way back, the engine suddenly stopped running. It was nearly noon, and we were on a busy road in Kuantan town, and the third in the line before a traffic light, at a big junction. Undoubtedly tachycardia started to take place when after few attempts of turning the ignition key, the engine refused to give cooperation. I was in the first place hoping that there was nothing wrong other than an imbalance between the pressure on the clutch and gas pedal (as it is a manual car). Truth slowly seeped in, and we were forced to face reality when the traffic light turns green and the car behind us overtake us one by one. Truthfully we managed to crack jokes~ well I don't remember experiencing such thing before- stuck on a road.

Climax started approaching when Hafiz subtly proposed that the car should be parked on the left side of the road (oh man, we were on the right most, and it is a very big road consisting of 3 lanes!! It was just impossible to push it to the left considering the number of cars around) And worst, I started to wonder, since Hafiz was the only male, then by logic the 3 of us were the ones who should do the pushing!!!

After much discussion, and after the traffic light had turned green for few times, we decided it was time.. And (in major disbelief) instead of pushing it to the left side of the road, we pushed it towards Terminal makmur, crossing the big junction and the traffic light!!! Of course Wani cakap malu should we meet UIA students who could recognize us (hahaha), I was kinda excited and Najwa was busy doing some photography. Hafiz? I think being him, landed in a group of giggly girls, probably we made an excellent stressor for him, and he kept asking us to push harder. Huu what should one expect from 3 ladies pushing a car? Luckily a motorist offered his help.

And the pushing activity took an ugly (but it was just an ugly duckling which later turned into a handsome swan) turn, when we were at the middle of the junction (and wani was busy worrying, asking me what if suddenly the traffic light turned red and we were still there. Jd bahan pameran la haha), a classmate, Fadhil with his white Myvi appeared among the long lines of cars. I think he succeeded in giving an expression of extreme shock :P

Well I can clearly imagine, "Apa la budak2 ni buat, dengan bertudung labuhnya, sorang pakai purdah, tolak kereta tengah2 jalan raya" is enough to make people stare. The prognosis worsens when it is added with "macam kenal je budak2 ni... Laaaaa kawan2 medic aku kat uia!!!!"

When we were parked safely near the bus terminal, we tried to sort out the things that we should do. Of course the most important thing to not be taken lightly was neither of us knew how to check a car engine (I'm not sure about the bros though, but I have a perception that they are not very different from us :p If you spend your time dissecting dead human bodies rather than a car engine, that is to be expected!)

We started to call our parents in search of few useful tips and hints. Everybody was busy with their phone calls and I think I was the only one who called Ummi and excitedly told her the tragedy haha (instead of calling Abah and ask him what to do) and told Abang as well

That was when weird ideas started to surface.....

Najwa proposed the idea that the problem sourced from the car battery. She suggested we use gear 1, start the engine while the others push the car.

Wani said (she quoted from her father) that if the honk is working then the battery is ok. so we tried to honk and it was ok. Then she said (also quoted from her experienced dad) that we should try 'ketuk' the battery, should there be any loose wires. She actually found a decaying piece of wood which she used to smack the battery. The wood started to break aparts (it was decaying!)

Of course I have no idea to offer because I personally don't even know how to open the engine cover huu (I do remember abah once taught me how to check the water, battery and such. But I still send the car to a mechanic just to check for the car battery and water before I make a long distance journey and that cost me RM30! Itulah orang suruh belajar pandai2 tapi malas... lepastu kena tipu pulak tu)

Hafiz's dad asked him to find "a round structure with 3 wires attached to it". Once it is found, shake the structure. God knows what the thing was.. So we tried to find it, no different from playing an 'I spy' game..

Finally Fadhil offered his help: call a mechanic. Haa that finally solved the problem :) It was some loose wires in the starter of the engine...

This was the start: the car engine died on a very busy road

Just after the car-pushing activity

I tried to discuss with wani, but yielded nothing because I really don't know about car..

This was the suspected 'round structure with 3 wires'



Wani's battery smacking activity using a decaying wood

we were left speechless after fail attempts...

Fadhil offering his help... panggil la mekanik :p

Alhamdulillah the mechanic saved the day!

"You, kalau enjin mati try start tp tak mau hidup, jgn cuba start banyak kali. Kalau da mati, memang matila. Tak boleh jalan punya. Nnti starter losak. Kena check benda lain..." erk macam kena perli lak dgn mekanik tu. Yup we tried to start the engine until finally the battery collapsed hehe

And I made a mental not to learn few basic things about car engine huuu. My deepest thank you to those who have helped..

Notes are on the way (or are they?)

What do we do in Public Health?

1. Field visit to BAKAS (Bekalan Air dan Kebersihan Alam Sekitar)

-Jungle trekking in search of a GFS: a system of water collection and supply to the poor

A well- another projek of BAKAS

Inspecting latrines (program tandas sempurna/ tandas curah)

2. Factory Visit to a chemical factory- Kaneka

3. Attachment with Vector-borne Disease Control Unit

-Learning on vector-borne diseases

-Identifying vectors (Aedes esp n other species of mosquitoes)

These are the Aedes sp larvaes

ULV machine mounted on a pick-up truck for Dengue fogging

4. Visit to KMAM (Kawalan Mutu Air Minuman)

A section in the water treatment plant

5. Attachment with school health unit

-Physical examinations for school children

-Giving immunization

The anxious standard 1 students hehe

The setting- in the school meeting room

Vaccinating a student with MMR

Giving oral polio vaccine (OPV)

Of course we have some other attachments, but I don't have the pics. And some of them are just briefings

-Communicable Disease Centre

-Health Enforcement Unit

-Food Quality Control Unit (expecting a field visit)

-field visit to Seaport (Tomorrow insyaAllah )

Good Luck! May Allah give you the best :)

It's hard to abstain oneself (masking the word 'myself) from blogging when he/she is sitting in front of a computer for more than 12 hrs/ day and connected to the internet. My case definition. I imagine it is something like:

Sitting in front of a gadget which functions similar to a computer more than 60 minutes

plus 2 of the followings:

i. Owning a free-of-charge blog

ii. Internet connection is working (even if it is extremely bad that you spend more time trying to reconnect rather than enjoying the connection)

iii. A head full of junky ideas

iv. Adequate amount of laziness enough to stop continue focusing

v. born with the ability to ramble and grumble

vi. .....

I am more than sure I fulfill the case definition and definitely I don't fail to notify my hubby of the epidemic that is about to happen- the number of posts is absolutely above the expected normal values!

Exacerbated by the endless stuff to be read and the notes that need to be done, I am bestowed with no other choice other than taking a brief break here every now and then. The hot issue is, do we really need to have classes on Saturday and preventing the students from returning to their home sweet home? Another hot issue is, an open-discussion is an opportunity. So why let it go unentertained?

Good Luck to the first years who are going to sit for their exam next week!

Good luck to the third years who are going to sit for their exam the week after that!

Good luck to the fourth years who are going to sit for their exam the subsequent week!

May Allah give us the best! And the best doesn't always mean a pass :)

6 days and counting

6 days without Abang, and I think I'm adapting within an OK range :) Abang? He's busy in Surgery ward and won't even have time to think of his left-behind wife (though I am perfectly sure that's not true hehe because he never fails to make a daily complain to his wife of the long hours standing in the ward) Abang, that's life.. (in a pasrah tone). Exams (Abang's and mine) are approaching fast and the usual case, I get dementia- failing to recall what have I done the whole posting. Of course I remember the fun that I had when Abang was around but medical-wise? urrr~I'll try my best to recall. The only thing that I still retain in my memory is, I was doing my 4th week of Family Medicine posting when Abang arrived home, and NOW I'm about to finish my Public Health posting- specifically speaking I'm in the second last week!!

Maybe I shouldn't waste too much of the scanty time that I have before the exam and start studying. An opposing rationale- Forensic posting will cruelly grab my coming holiday, which I'm sure will leave me with nothing else other than enthusiasm for dead bodies (yela sangat) before I deal with bones in Ortho. Or maybe I should stop dreading too much for the absence of holiday. Well, this article is just a brief intervention to release the depression which I gain after sitting for almost 4 hours in the library for I am sure the chairs and tables were built to not fulfill ergonomic criterias... my biceps and triceps are screaming for some relaxation huuu

Start Anew

Today is a new day :) I start with Bismillahirrahmanirrahim followed by TB ngee~

So Long, My Love

It's now 1:46pm. I'm trying to push a plate of Nasi Briyani down my gut though I'm sure they prefer to move upward and outward in a regurgitation mode. Abang has boarded the plane for almost 2 hours. May Allah ease his journey, and arrive safely in Jordan. Me? I'm trying to adapt to being single again, as well as pushing away all the thoughts of him. It isn't easy as it sounds. After the return from KLIA, I thought of doing some spring cleaning in our bedroom, but somehow the body scent that he left behind was so overwhelming that it was impossible to continue on. It's the nice smell that my olfactory system perceived each time I kissed him. Uhh I can't wait to return to my old dim cubicle in Kuantan, and my old routine so as to put a definite stop to the tears. Well it won't be long InsyaAllah before I can meet him again. As for now, I have such a heavy workload to be completed, rather than brooding. And to my beloved Abang, be an excellent medical student, and an excellent student of life! I love you MUCCCHHHH!!

To the bunch of mummies!

I guess I'm trying to shift back my attention to Pink-chan (wife of Lavender-kun) now that Abang is prpearing to fly back to Jordan in 2 days time. Huuu. Am not planning to frequently update this blog anyway, since I seriously belief it makes me more sentimental haha. Am not planning to be active in blog-round as well huuu since I think Abang had enough dose of baby talk from me. Well humans hardly feel grateful with what they have, aren't they? Mankind are possibly created to be envious towards each other, POSSSIBLY..

Daily dose of:

"Abang, mawaddah kan dah dapat baby boy, nama dia 'Ukasyah. Comel. Jom kita ziarah dia"

Abang: Iye? Jom.

"Abang, Atikah junior abang kat MMAS kan, baby dia dah keluar dari hospital"

Abang: Alhamdulillah

"Abang kenal tak Nihlah kat matrik dulu? Dia kan dah pregnant sekarang.."

Abang: Kalau nampak muka mungkin cam. Oo dia pregnant ye

"Abang kenal Izani kan? Yang pharmacy 3rd year tu. Wife dia kan dah pregnant 2 bulan.."

Abang: Kenal. Dia masyi Quran tau. Wife dia pregnant? Rezqi dia, Alhamdulillah

"Abang, K.AC kan dah pregnant sekarang!"

Abang: Iyye?

"Abang, Kak Ati kan anak dia dah 2 orang. Itupun dia tak sabar nak lagi yang ketiga"

Abang: Mungkin K.Ati nak baby boy pulak

"Abang, wife Jumadi dah nak dapat second baby dah. Nak cukup sepasang sebab dia expecting a baby boy"

Abang: Alhamdulillah

"Abang, Basyir comel kan? Kan?"

Abang: Haah. comel. muka dia macam muka mak dia.

"Abang, wife Tuan Bad kan dia jaga baby dia sambil belajar sekarang"

Abang: Hmmm

Hahaha. I think I repeat the same things everyday although I know very well that Abang are very well informed on the latest news. And although I know very well Abang terpaksa banyak sabar je bila aku ulang2 benda yang sama. A marriage is not complete without kids, isn't it? And I'd be lying if I say I'm not keen in having 1 huuu. Keadaan tak mengizinkan? I don't know. Eventhough I've been trying hard to convince Abang that I really can manage it, claiming that Maryam the mother of Prophet Isa alos raised him singly. Really I have no experience and I don't have the right to convince anybody or myself huu. And for this reason, I really think I should watch out my blog-round a bit just to prevent myself from going overboard in making Abang agree to have kids haha. Still to the mums out there, you are so lucky! Be a bunch of good mummies and raise up great mujahid and mujahidah! :)

malasnyeee..

Really not in the mood of blogging..... though I have written on so many things and save em in the laptop huu~

Jealousy is the worst policy!

If anybody is wondering of the sudden appearance of many posts today, head-scratching is definitely not needed here :p it equals to abang's absence. He went back to KL today, for some matters that he needs to settle, and I am stuck in Kuantan with classes that extend up to Saturday. How very unfortunate of me :(

I can't remember how many times he asked me today to value the remaining of ramadhan by increasing the intensity of ibadah, but here I am brooding over his absence and forcing myself to sleep huuu

We went to the playground (sebelah rumah je pun) with 2 CPGs- Hypertension for him and dyslipidemia for me. In the end we went back without even reading the first page because he was so busy on-call :p uruskan junior yg akan fly ke Jordan, and I was so busy taking his photos hahahaha

Again- busy arranging the new students huu. I really should adapt to this situation. He'll be busy with his career and simultaneously busy with islamic movement an works. Every muslim will be! I really should learn to be more independent emotionally. Every muslimah should!

It has been a while since I temporarily stop blogging.. it's hard to write when I am occupied with abang, yup! He arrived home 3 weeks ago hehe after a failed surpirse (definitely he needs to work harder to surprise me huu). I clearly remember when one morning, in the bus on the way to KK Beserah, I said something to a friend that sounded like "There's something fishy about abang.. I think he's coming home today" (that was supposed to be 4 days before his expected flight) but of course I didn't want to have too much of a hope, so I tried to act cool.. until a sequence of fishy events occured and I couldn't resist but to confirm his presence in Malaysia huuuu. That was 3 weeks ago :) To my own surprise, we have actually spent time together much longer compared to after our marriage hehe (he flew back to Jordan after 2+ weeks of our marriage)

Spending Ramadhan with him is definitely something! Though I have to sincerely admit that nothing much (in terms of ibadah) can be done when a long-separated husband and wife meets each other again. We have so much to tell to each other that I think I can talk non-stop to him (which of course worsens the prognosis of my big mouth though that is not a big problem actually considering that abang talks much more than me?? eh hahaha), so many plans to be carried out in a short period (few weeks left before he'll be flying off again huu), and in the end we just feel too tired for routines. Performing tarawih in the mosque I think is the biggest challenge for us huuu.

He's doing Family Medicine posting now. It was wonderful when he joined me in KK Beserah, but now that I have moved to a new rotation which is Public Health posting, he's on his own :p Good news is Ulu Tembeling trip has been cancelled!!! How much more wonderful can it be when I have been brooding over the trip and very reluctant to go as well, Alhamdulillah :)

In this posting, my group is doing a research on H1N1 which spells endless and tiring field work ahead pheww. Yet I still have time to feel excited for the upcoming raya :) Our first raya together insyaAllah :) Truthfully I have a hard time convincing abang to buy baju melayu huu when i myself am not sure since when do I care about baju raya??? Probably it's the colour-matching thingy ngeh3. Shopping with him? That brought even a worse throbbing headache!! (well I insist in buying a wadrobe-full of clothes for a man who is not keen in shopping.. so I should earlier expect something not very favourable huh? hehe, at least I discover something about abang, he is not a shopaholic, sooo unlike me huu)

Well abang did learn to cook few things. When i look at the photos of him and the cooking utensils, I am reminded of photos of ummi and abah in their younger years especially in UK, when everything was on the floor (including the mattress) :p that's how everyhting start for most couples i guess.. from scratch. Especially when most things are unaffordable to them. And I am enjoying every second of it, maybe when we become financially stable 1 day, we'll always reminisce our early days together :p including abang masak pengat pisang guna rice cooker! Hmm he used to buy pengat pisang from bazar ramadhan (the frequency almost reached every day huu and I was not very happy because it was expensive so that was how we decided to make our own pengat pisang hehe) He was so proud of his own pengat pisang which he self-verified as TASTY and even planned to make a potful of pengat pisang for his friends for iftar hehehe

I'll probably write some more later :) As for now, selamat beribadah dalam 10 hari terakhir ramadhan!! :)

Hmm busy chef ni campurkan bahan

Ni lepas abang masak brown sugar dengan sagu

Tadaaaa!!!!!!!! Pengat pisang abang dah siap. let me make a testimonial: SEDAP!! :D

this is my dumpster :D

Probably the Diabetes CPG was made and meant not to be read as a whole (by medical student huu) because after trying very vigorously, it seems like I still can get nowhere with it. Or is it just me??? Hmmm

6 more days to go.. and I'm praying hard for something wonderful to happen huhu. An approved application? Quite close..

I received a wonderful news yesterday. Somebody is getting married? aha!!! :D Selamat Pengantin Baru!

It's the second day of Ramadhan. And I have just received a warning from Abang hahaha. Just to practice Qishas, I presented him with a warning as well. Takut tak? Mesti abang cuak nih hehe. Nak drill your memorization, Abang!! :p

And I can't wait to go to the clinic. Isn't that superbly weird?? I think so huuuu...

By the way, membeli belahlah di gerai SRC/ MRC dekat CF Bro k! Ada jual kurma :)

Monolog Hati

Tak sampai sejam Ramadhan akan tiba.. Pastinya penantian yang mendebarkan tapi tetap jua tidak mampu bersabar.. sebagaimana berdebarnya aku menunggu kepulangan abang dan hati berharap cepat saja masa beralalu agar dapat terus kutiba di saat waktu itu…seindah pertemuan pertama selepas akad nikah insyaAllah

Sebentar sahaja lagi tarawih pertama akan diadakan. Niat di hati ingin menyertai tarawih di Masjid UIAM di KOM (Kuliyyah of Medicine). Sempatkah aku? Bunyi guruh sedari tadi mengacah2 perasaan. Mungkin terpaksa bertarawih di mahallah sahaja seandainya hujan turun.
Ramadhan meninggalkan banyak kenangan yang mengundang syahdu. Aku masih ingat, suatu waktu dahulu, aku dan asma berjaga pada malam ganjil dalam sepuluh malam terakhir. Bukan calang2 berjaga, malah berjaga sehingga ke waktu subuh. Pastinya misi mencari lailatul Qadr. Dengan masing2 ditemani sehelai kertas, tertulis atasnya senarai doa yg ingin kami pinta apabila bertemu lailatul Qadr. Tingkap bilik kami buka.. kerana ingin melihat pokok yang turun bersujud. Dan segelas air kami letakkan diatas meja, agar dapat kami sedari kehadiran Lailatul Qadr apabila air tersebut membeku. Apabila dikenang semua itu, pasti aku tergelak sendiri. Naif sungguh kami di waktu itu. Dan cetek pula ilmu tentang malam istimewa. Malam seribu bulan, bukan bermakna air akan membeku, bukan pula pokok akan bersujud semuanya, bukan langit menjadi cerah.. yang penting beramal, dan ganjarannya pasti tersedia!

Masih juga kuingat Ramadhan kami di rumah lama.. banjir teruk diwaktu itu. Aku yg tidur ditingkat atas pastinya enggan bersahur kerana tidak mahu meredah air banjir ditingkat bawah.. Dan setiap pagi, Ummi lah yang akan meletakkan nasi dan lauk didalam pinggan dan memberikan kepadaku yang duduk menanti di tangga.. Sungguh aku benar2 sepatutnya malu dengan Ummi! Dan kami berbuka puasa dalam keadaan rumah yang berlecah.

Suatu waktu dahulu, Ramadhan kutemui sewaktu menduduki SPM. Dan Ummi sangat risau aku berpuasa ketika menjawab peperiksaan. Sungguh Allah itu mengetahui hati bimbang seorang Ummi. Aku ditaqdirkan cuti berpuasa sehingga tamat peperiksaan. Dan setiap hari, Ummi pastinya akan bawa aku pulang kerumah untuk makan tengahari walaupun aku berkeras untuk menumpang solat zohor dirumah kawan berhampiran sekolah. Tersenyum aku mengenangkan semua itu.

Teringat juga suatu Ramadhan 3 tahun lalu.. ketika aku sangat buntu untuk membuat pilihan tatkala menerima lamaran seseorang.. sedangkan hati terpaut pada seorang akh lain dan aku tidak tahu apakah dia dapat menerimaku.. Masih kuingat tarikh itu 25 ramadhan ketika aku benar2 menangis dan berharap, dlm kegelapan aku mengemis simpati dariNya agar ditunjukkan jalan keluar.. sehinggalah seminggu kemudian aku mendapat SMS dari dia yang sangat kupuja, yang langsung melamar terus kepada ummi dan abah.. sungguh Allah selalu tidak mengabaikan hambanya.. sehingga kini Allah menghadiahkan dia kepadaku, menjadi suami yang sangat setia.. ahh pastilah aku insan yang paling bahagia. ALHAMDULILLAH untuk pemberian ini.

Masih kuingat ramadhan aku di Kuantan, sungguh aku sangat suka beriktikaf pada sepuluh malam terakhir di Masjid Negeri Kuantan. Memang pada dasarnya kami tidak dibenarkan untuk bermalam disitu, tetapi setelah kupujuk rayu kepada pak guard, dia mengizinkan juga tdengan syarat lampu besar tidak boleh dinyalakan.. dan kami dikunci dalam masjid. sungguh syahdu apabila bersendirian (meskipun ada beberapa akhawat lain) didalam rumah Allah yang sangat luas, begitu terasa kekerdilan seorang hamba. Pada tahun pertama, aku kesitu dengan menaiki kereta Pak Teh (prebet sapu). Pada tahun kedua, aku sudah memiliki kereta sendiri hadiah dari abah- Fiat Brava yang aku panggil Shika. Pada tahun ketiga, aku kesana menaiki Naza Suria juga pemberian abah yang aku panggil Shika Jr. Pada tahun keempat? Terpulang pada abang..

Teringat juga Ramadhan yang baru sahaja berlalu pergi, ketika posting pertama aku dlm tahun klinikal- mana mungkin aku lupa ketika aku berpuasa di Temerloh, sungguh memori yang sangat bermakna apabila kami selalu berbuka puasa di dalam bas untuk pulang ke Kuantan. Dan kami bertarawih di rumah, masak untuk berbuka.. terasa bagai baru sahaja ramadhan itu berlalu.. dan kini aku bakal bertemu ramadhan lagi..

Bagaimana pula dengan ramadhan kali ini? Ah tentulah ramadhan ini bakal menjadi ramadhan paling bermakna insyaAllah :) kerana ramadhan kali ini aku tidak bersendiri lagi, ramadhan kali ini aku berdua. Kalau dahulu setiap kali tibanya ramadhan dan setiap kali tibanya syawal, pasti aku tertunggu2 SMS dari tunangku, mesej formal yang mengucapkan Selamat Berpuasa dan Selamat Hari Raya. Tapi kini aku tidak sabar menunggu ucapan mesra dari kekasih yang sangat aku cintai, untuk mengucapkan selamat berpuasa!

Sayang, InsyaAllah lagi sejam bermula Ramadhan. Kesyahduan Ramadhan sudah sangat3 terasa.. Moga kita sama-sama memasuki Ramadhan dengan hati yang insaf, dan keluar darinya dengan diri yang jauh lebih bertaqwa.. Rapatkan dirimu dengan kalamNya, wahai HAAFIDZUL QURAN. Sungguh aku sangat bertuah dapat dicintai oleh hamba yang hatinya sangat mencintai Pencipta!
Ingatan mesra dari Zaujah Sayang

Pastinya aku akan menunggu ramadhan seterus2nya.. ketika kami tidak lagi berdua tapi ditemani buah hati, dari benih cinta tautan kasih antara aku dan abang. Ah tidak sabar untuk ku tunggu waktu itu

P/s aku suka panggil Sayang dengan gelaran Hafidzul Quran walaupun Sayang acapkali berendah diri menegaskan banyak hafazan yang dia tak mampu pegang.. Itu satu doa untukmu, Sayang. Agar kau lebih bersemangat untuk hafaz kembali bahagian dari Quran yang terlepas dari genggamanmu

Letto – Sejenak (untuk mengahrgai Ramadhan..)

sebelum waktumu terasa terburu
sebelum lelahmu menutup mata
adakah langkahmu terisi ambisi
apakah kalbumu terasa sunyi

luangkanlah sejenak detik dalam hidupmu
berikanlah rindumu pada denting waktu
luangkanlah sejenak detik dalam sibukmu
dan lihatlah warna kemesraan dan cinta

sebelum hidupmu terhalang nafasmu
sesudah nafsumu tak terbelenggu
indahnya membisu tandai yang berlalu
bahasa tubuhmu mengartikan rindu

luangkanlah sejenak detik dalam hidupmu
berikanlah rindumu pada denting waktu
luangkanlah sejenak detik dalam sibukmu
dan lihatlah warna kemesraan dan cinta

yang tlah semu.. yang telah semu

[WARNING: A wife's personal rambling]

[WARNING: This is a personal rambling]

I am still thinking of a dream which I had 2 days ago. it was abang's radix coco. Because I like crying so much, when Abang was around, he used to make a big cup of Radix Cocoa to 'pujuk' huhuu because he knew I like cocoa drink so much. Buat dalam cawan plastik oren yg besar with ices. And he would sprinkle some cocoa powder on top. Huu it was really delicious that I dream of it. Exactly the orange plastic cup, the ices and the sprinkled cocoa powder

At the clinic we were given the chance to clerk a patient with a history of domestic violence. If you think the patient is a woman, then you are definitely wrong. HE. A 20-something man who married a 20-something woman. The wife cheated on the husband and got pregnant, the husband was very depressed and tried to commit suicide.. it was a typical case anyway, but still... Something about the case, and someone comparing the case with our (abang and me) condition left me in such an unstable mood. I just can't explain what is it, it's neither anger nor sad, neither anxiety nor depression, it's just... unexplainable.. But 1 thing for sure, it makes me appreciate abang more and more, it makes me miss abang more and more and it makes me --- more and more.. Kerinduan yang amat sangat kat abang, wallahua'lam (He knows Best!!)...

What really touched my heart was when the Dr mention that one of his patient (a man who also had a similar marital problem) said, "How could she give my Right (haq) to other man???" Really it is extremely depressing, and I wonder, do I really and strictly take good care of Abang's haq as a my superb husband? For him only, and only for him?.. Continue crying.. Being a wife is definitely not as simple as ABC especially when you are not sure whether you have done your best to fulfill your husband's Haq. Of course not in our case, based on mutual consent :)

Well some people are wondering why am I being so open about our relationship. Simply because there's no such thing in the Islamic Syariat that says "Don't tell others about your marital relationship" (the only prohibited thing is to tell others your bedroom secret). Even Aisyah (ummul mukminin r.a) told Rasulullah about 9 wives who tell about the good things and bad things of their husbands' (without mentioning name) for the purpose of taking some ibrah. One has the option whether to read it or not but I will continue writing anyway huuu. As for me, I do something that is lawful, so why not? Well, probably because I think I had enough of premarital quarrels with abang haha (truthfully we launched World War before our marriage haha, Ummi je la yang tau and selalu jadi orang tengah huu. Bergaduh tak habis2 sebab nak bercinta dah tak boleh haha. I wrote more about us before marriage in abu-ameer.blogspot.com) so now is the time for revenge hehe.

I used to practise ghaddul basr (lowering of the gaze), but now that I have a handsome husband (semua husband pun handsome in their wives' eyes, don't worry :D), why shouldn't I find the satisfaction in studying his face? Ini baru la cuci mata yg sebenarnya, bukan cam org lelaki yg mata keranjang k, lagi merosakkan hati ade la. P/s seriously abang semakin handsome skrg sejak dia ada rambut mcm porcupine hehehe :p

I never touched an ajnabi man before, now that I have someone whom I can touch, why shouldn't I make myself happy in doing so? Pegang tangan 24 jam pun takpe :D

We never had the chance to act lovey-dovey to each other before, so now that we are able to do so, why not? Nak panggil sayang sejuta kali pun no problem

The issue is, whenever an unmarried couple appears publicly, showing love and affection to each other, nobody raise any question. It seems normal. When a married couple act all lovey-dovey, people start to give a weird stare- as if "Eh dah kawen pun gatal lagi?" APA SEMUA NI????

As for me, I really like it when Abang says, "HALAL!" :D Macam dapat kelulusan SIRIM plak hahaha

Abang yang handsome dgn rambut porcupine! Ni gambar abang waktu dia g buat lwtn ambil belajar kat farm kot.. bersempena subject yg dia amek Animal Health. Dah rindu tak dpt jumpa, tengok gambar pun ok la :D

I said: Abang, kambing tu comel laa

Abang said: Errkkk?? Sayang, itu keldai la!!!

I said: huuuu...... macam kambing je....

Iman sebesar cawan?

I hope there's nothing wrong with me brooding here AGAIN. Hey I haven't used today's dose by the way huu. Today is the worst so far I think. Nothing much except that I feel a bit uneasy when my private life is being discussed and pried into huhuuu. And it seems like I haven't learnt a thing throughout my 4 years of MBBS. No doubt the terrible feeling. Of course that's the case when a student choose to fall in love with another student. Suprisingly I have no regret with regards to the 'romance over knowledge' issue. Haha because I enjoy having abang soo much, no doubt :D Well, probably next tuesday promises a brighter day -sigh-

Ramadhan Ramadhan do come my way and bring along with you sakeenah and rahmah. At least let me experience the peaceful feeling that have long gone. Looking forward celebrating Ramadhan with abang.. And expand a bit (if possible) iman sebesar cawan.

Second pessimistic mumble of the day

Can I have the honour of complaining here again and again? Because my personal kaunter aduan is so faraway in Jordan huu, busy with his final exam. I am actually stuck with the case write-up, not having the slightest idea on how should I move forward -sigh- thus the redirection towards this virtual dumpster huhu. It's totally depressing when a patient doesn't even care of his own condition, and yet the doctors have to be the mommy, practically warning them to take medication n such. Haha now I know what did Ummi feels when I very frequently refused to take medication huhu. Speaking about compliance, I think I'm the worst patient ~sigh again~

A Family Medicine case write up is definitely much tougher than the clinical ones e.g surgery, IM. The main reason is because we have to explore in depth regarding social and psychological history, or in simpler words, a patient-centred approach rather than disease-centered approach. Of course when I have been trained for 1 solid year with disease-centred approach, currently in FM, the issue of empathy, digging and continue digging on abuse, issue of compliance and such seems like a very big, hard-to-handle deal. When a patient comes with persistent hypertension, you should suspect stress-related condition e.g family problem rather than...the patient doesn't even care about his/her BP thus the dumping of his/her antihypertensive tablets into the dustbin. When one see a purpura on the skin of a patient, one should suspect abuse rather than a fall or a senile purpura. When one sees a pregnant lady with poor spacing, one should suspect some degree of depression in the mother, blaming her husband for being so incosiderate and such. Sometimes thing doesn't reflect the real scenario. I really want to have my own baby but Abang is extremely worried because he won't be around to lend his helping hands. If I get pregnant, should he be blamed? I'm placing him in a tight situation and yet the society is being judgmental. The Doctors will be judgmental (Hehe abang jgn mare k :p) That was just a real time example. Ahh as a doctor, I have to learn to be a nosy person.

The problem with staying up late at night is one can't stop consuming some calories. I continue on from Pisang goreng to keropok lekor to Cocopie to Munchy oat cookies to biskut beras ahh it's and endless grievous list. The only thing that is retarded is the progression of my case write up. Ahh and thinking of my video recording tomorrow (we have to record a video while clerking a patient and show the video in the class during video session)..

I should b going back to my case report huuuu. Doing the countdown. Looking forward Abang's arrival :) Missing Abang like mad huu

Today's pessimism

I shouldn't feel too happy in view of my unfinished case write-up. And yet I'm thinking of starting the second one huu because I'm pretty sure I won't have time to do it when Athiq is around ~sigh~ a not so hectic life of Family Medicine nowadays but yet tiring.. I wonder why. How I hope Athiq will appear this instant right in front of me huu~ Another 9 days that of course are perceived as 9 years before his arrival, really I can't wait for that moment! May Allah be with us along the way..

Family Medicine isn't that bad. Especially when I have started to feel at ease roaming the KK Beserah compound plus lazing around and socializing with my group mates in the discussion room (uprolling my eyeballs. Huh, such a blissful life) Well, the scandal was there, yet I feel indifferent. I guess people can spit on my face and I can remain feeling indifferent huu. A very schizophrenic trait which I'm having- living in my own world haha (with my family of course).

Lately I enjoy the clinic posting so much. Especially when Dr Aznan takes the class. Why? Empowering. Because I feel that he gives us chances to handle patients, of course under his supervision. And I am currently feeling very excited to manipulate the Ultrasound machine hahaha (Ah-Long Dude, we definitely have an important mission before the posting ends!! :P)

And today Ah-Long Dude and me spent quality time in the Emergency Room, doing wound dressing (incompetently of course) and venepuncture. Of course my patient, a nenek who had diabetic foot 'berleter' throughout the procedure because she was not really confident in me hahaha, I just pretended that I was deaf. In this kind of thing where skill is needed, you won't get the skill if you don't practise. And in the process of acquiring the skill, of course many will complain. It is as if they are made to be 'guinea pig'. It's quite true in a sense. As if I have other options... (sigh again).

I am still brooding over the Ulu Tembeling riverine trip, especially when Abang will be in Kedah for 1 week while I face the river with fear, and phobia and anxiety huu that is so unfair :(. I am hoping for the impossible- for him to join the trip. What a pathetic childish wish.

Anyway, Good Luck Abang in your final exam :) Do your best! Happy Fasting everybody

This is the first entry REALLY3 MEANT FOR PUBLIC :D

I don't know how do I end up in the industry, but fact is I guess I am now a self-authorized dealers of abaya, jubah, blouses and tudung huu and huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. It's not my business actually (as I personally think that I should start a business with a different nature, namely.....) but I'm helping my stepmum to expand her business.. and since I like blogging so much, I think abah is trying to hint that I should at least do something profitable rather than mumbling aimlessly here haha, so I guess that's it. Do visit ummuameerboutique.blogspot.com (Yeah yeah I know I'm taking all the fame by putting my name 'Ummu Ameer's Boutique' haha, but hey I am the one who created the new blog geee so I guess there's nothing really wrong with that..) Nak tengok2 je pun boleh, kalau nak beli lagi bagus :D But I have to apologize before hand for the terrible photos, because
1. First, I don't have the wealth to hire a professional photographer
2. It wasn't me (who took the photograph) or else it would be worse
3. My sis took the photos in half an hour, and she had to cover racks and racks of jubah, she was so tired and I think she got a hypoglycaemic attack thus the tremor huhu
4. I was rushing to go back home from my stepmum's house because I had a virtual YM date with A'thiq so I urged Asma' to just take whatever pic that she could and get done with it.

Haven't uploaded many more, so keep checking it out k (the blog) :)

A love letter for Abang from his wife who is madly in love.

I should be reading the latest Diabetes CPG for the tutorial tomorrow.. and yet I can't stop myself from writing this..
Yes? Oh yes, I'm in such a fragile mood. After the old folk home visit? Nope. Missing abang? Of course. Worried about something? Sure. Depressed? Of course not. Going home? InsyaAllah tomorrow! :p
Well, I mentioned once that I was eagerly waiting for something. I guess it won't be a secret anymore huu. It's abang's homecoming in 2 weeks time insyaAllah :)

I dedicate this song to abang (have been listening to it for quite some time but TODAY, it gives me a new meaning...). And today it moves me to tears.. the emotional me? Oh it's just me missing abang every now and then

Di daun yang ikut mengalir lembut

Terbawa sungai ke ujung mata

Dan aku mulai takut terbawa cinta

Menghirup rindu yang sesakkan dada

Jalanku hampa dan kusentuh dia

Terasa hangat oh didalam hati

Kupegang erat dan kuhalangi waktu

Tak urung jua kulihatnya pergi

Tak pernah kuragu dan slalu kuingat

Kerlingan matamu dan sentuhan hangat

Ku saat itu takut mencari makna

Tumbuhkan rasa yg sesakkan dada

Chorus 2x:

Kau datang dan pergi oh begitu saja

Semua kutrima apa adanya

Mata terpejam dan hati menggumam

Di ruang rindu kita bertemu

Abang, everything about that song is true, except for the 'Kau datang dan pergi oh begitu saja' because I know pemergian abang adalah satu perjuangan yang kita saling merelakan, kepulangan abang adalah saat yg sangat3 dinantikan, dan antara dua itu, kita saling merindu..

I cracked jokes and laughed when I sent you back to Jordan for the first time after our marriage..
Would I be able to laugh for the second time?
I prevented myself from crying when you kissed me goodbye
Would I be able to do that again?
I keep teasing you now when I see you cry while webcaming or during phone calls
I wonder can I stay that calm after this?
I have (after trying very hard) adjusted and adapted to your absence
Would I be able to adjust following another separation?

And for all those reasons.. I'm worried of your homecoming because it will surely lead to the second separation. And yet I miss you unnegotiably, abang! Abang, be patient for another 1 1/2 year ok :) Surely you can do it!

Photos Photos Photos. Just Photos

I want to delete these photos from Lavender-kun's memory.. thus the uploading activity :D

A Family Medicine trip to an old folk charity institution today taught me a lot regarding old folks, or more specific: abandoned old folks. We started our journey to Al Muktafi Billah Shah (AMBS) town (That was the first time I listened to such~~~ name. Never knew before that the town existed huhuuu) at 7.20am, arrived there at around 9.30am, after having our breakfast at the nearby stall. We were given a briefing about the place before we went to the wards. There were 4 wards in total. And my experience upon entering the first ward? My feeling? Everyhting was so pitiful. I was wondering how could the family just abandon them?... Memang sedih bila masuk ward ni...

Next we went to a ward which was much much much better than the first (becuase the residents were mostly sociable :) and well groomed). We picked cases and clerked. To be truthful I think I chit chatted with the nenek rather than clerking her huhu. A 71 year old widow with no children (takde rezqi anak).. she was very appreciative of our visit which made me feel so happy. But of course what she hid behind that happiness.. Wallahua'lam. And I knew some cases whereby the children sent them and never come back.. We were lectured on birrul walidain (by the nenek), that one shouldn't forget the parents no matter what. I am sure I learnt much more on humanity compared to clinical medicine.. alhamdulillah a tazkirah for those who are destined to be busy in the near future :) After that we followed Dr Aznan, looking at referred cases, it was a very joyful experience (haha only those who followed know the reason behind it ). At around 1.45pm we headed back. On the way back, they managed to persuade pak cik driver to stop at a very gigantic tasik. Tasik puteri or besi or somthing that sounds similar to that huu. Me? Of course I refused to even leave the bus so I took a nap instead on the bus hehe. Reason? My family definitely knows why :p Well the lake was so big, and it didn't appear that safe huuu.

Some of the students walking towards the wards

Well, what else do we do in Family Medicine Posting??

Going to KK of course!! Evidenced by this picture:

A stall located few hundred metres from KK Balok :p Enjoying the ABC and keropok lekor huh?? Hehe

This was when I joined Papisma Medical Check-up 3 weeks ago if I'm not mistaken.. in Rompin

In the car on the way to Rompin.

This was where the medical checkup activity took place.

Melancholic Mood. Now it's the baby talk

I can't decide whether I enjoy Family Medicine or not. I guess it isn't as hectic as Ortho (because I understand that Ortho students are undergoing an unimaginable torture haha), but still relaxation isn't equal to joy. Sometimes I think I kinda miss paying a visit to HTAA huhuu.
KK Beserah isn't that bad by the way in view of the fact that we mingled with urine(S) for the whole half day today, practically helping the lab stuff doing UFEME, dipstix test n such. And I for the first time poked the vein of Ah-Long Dude!! Haha, while she poked mine as well, and feeling at home and soo at ease utilizing the FBC machine, analyzing our own blood sample. Hahaha what can be more exciting?

By the way the negative feeling due to my extremely lousy seminar presentation yesterday persists. An undelicious aftertaste that lingers yuckk. Well as usual its the failure of preparation issue. It was on Erectile Dysfunction (yup it was obscene, and I enjoyed it to the most!!). I guess that was the main reason I kept procrastinating in preparing the slides until the day of the presentation. The stuff was a bit unfavourable huhu. The nauseous experience which forced me to adopt a sitting sleeping position wasn't supporting me at all. Never mind, at least i'm done with the seminar, Alhamdulillah :)

Well, the fact that one of my lecturer has a 'fixed false belief or make-belief' that I'm pregnant, is getting on my nerve nowadays huu. And I had to make a sheepish remark in the lecture hall that I'm not a pregnant lady huu. And I'm not susceptible to serious H1N1 illness insyaAllah. Why me? Why not Wani? Why???? Although at times (or more truthful, 'most of the time') I am hoping that it is true huu and I can't counter the depression of getting repeated negative UPT result.. The Dr kept saying that whenever a woman come to you with depression, the diagnosis is Pregnancy haha. That's absurd! Well, what's the point of getting married if you don't want to become a parent, isn't it? -Sigh- Another little talk with another lecturer today, pertaining to the issue of parenting kind of lit up my hope a bit.. just a bit.. because he asked me regarding my plan to have a baby and made it sound like "What's the problem of having a baby? No problemo" And for that little hope which I am trying to cling on to.. ahh it produces chest tightness which is unbearable.. maybe I should just forget about the issue.

Ahh I'm eagerly waiting for something to happen.......... :) Definitely not the Ulu Tembeling Riverine Trip!!!!! Can I escape that trip? huuu

Cheap offer. Of course it's cheap because it's an OFFER!!

I am stealing this opportunity to write something, because I know 1 or 2 people are anxiously waiting for some kind of evolution/ new stock to appear on this page huu. It's now 10:46am, WEDNESDAY. Hey it's the office hour of a working day! and here I am blogging. Today is my 3rd day of Family Medicine posting, obviously I should be in KK Beserah (where I am posted for 5 weeks).

For the past few days, since the last time I put up the last post, I've been dying to jot down some titbits. For example, how was the Nasyeed Concert? Oh it was great, I spent the night in bed with high temperature (I didn't attend it actually because I had fever, so 4 tickects down the bin. I guess it was A'thiq's doa hehe as he was very reluctant to let me go for some reason which I am going to tell immediately after this haha)

His reason was "Memanglah itu konsert nasyid, tp still CONCERT. Abang risau nanti ada percampuran lelaki perempuan. Abang risau, kalaulah ayang pergi tempat camtu, and ditaqdirkan meninggal kat situ.. macam meninggal dunia dlm keadaan tak mulia (kemaksiatan??)" Huu abang...!!!! Abang, your wish was granted by Allah the Almighty! :)

And almost the whole family was down with ILI (Influenza Like Illness) during the weekend. Please be patient everybody, especially Ummi and Abah who had very high temperature. I have just recently recovered from tonsillitis and ILI, but became infected by the virus again arghhh. This time around cough was more prominent. I think I disturbed the whole class with my cough (huuuuu). 

However after I arrived in UIA from home last Sunday, new symptoms started to show up. I woke up during the night with extreme nausea and throw up till almost Subuh. Plus diarrhea. Its neither anorexia nervosa nor bullimia because I'm still feeling serene for maintaining my pre-marriage body weight. Having initially thought it was due to the feverish body, I assumed I needed to report to the clinic the next day, but then the the fever subsided except for few fluctuating temperatures. But the puking occasion continued. Well, my roomates who were awaken up during the extremely early morning by the unmusical sound of vomiting started to wonder I guess whether I am pregnant. Truthfully I start to wonder myself (plus the worry) whether I am really... you know haha. Especially when I started to feel nausea during clinic hours.

Oh common medical student, don't be ridiculous haha. I am finally relieved when I realized that I have not been taking Cimetidine for a long time. No wonder of the nausea, vomiting, diarrhea and abdominal pain. I thought the gastritis has long resolved. A visit to UIAM clinic today presented me with a prescription of Losec (Omeprazole) Haha I guess that would be my slimming pill for the time being. Plus MC (Medical Certificate). 

Truthfully the Dr was quite surprise when I told her my chief complaint was 'sakit perut'. 

Dr: Maryam, awak datang bukan sebab batuk, selesema, demam ke???? (Haha I guess nowadays everybody come with the chief complain of cough, flu and fever)

Me: No.

Dr: Awak takde symptom tu ke?

Me: Ada. Dah lama. Tp itu tak penting, Dr.

Dr: Tak penting???? Habis apa yg penting??

Me: Sakit perut ni yg penting (I even carried the plastic bag from K.Ana's cafe, because I felt like throwing up all the time huuu)

Then I was given a lecture that should I have the symptoms of ILI, I should go to the clinic and take a week break. I was persuaded to take a 1 week break, JUST BECAUSE I HAVE COUGH!! Huu demam pun dah takde.. Of course I won't feel happy when I think of my 1 week MC while my colleagues (especially Ah-Long Dude) are vigorusly filling up their logbooks at the clinic!!!

Me: Dr, susahlah kalau cuti seminggu. Saya banyak lecture, nak penuhkan logbook lagi etc..

Dr: Sebabtula tak baik2 awak ni, because you refuse to take a rest. Just take a week break, don't think of classes. Ini arahan Dean, Prof Fauzi ni..

Me: Aaaa????

I was even told to do a Chest X Ray should the cough continue for 1 month. Now I am suspected of having TB??? Huuu definitely no TB workout for me!! I meet people with URTI symptoms everyday- in the class, at the toilet, in my own hostel room, in my own house, in the clinic, in the cafe.. basically everywhere! No wonder of the prolonged and relapsing cough and flu huu. 

And finally the nurse asked for my confirmation for so many times, "Maryam betul ke MC awak ni satu hari je? Skrg kita tgh OFFER ni.." Huh? Is there such thing?- Offer of MC! And now I feel happy with only 1 day MC :p Such over-propagated pandemic of H1N1~ H1N1 is realbut don't be too everwhelmed k :)

Can I skip the exam?

I think I have very nearly given up hope on the examination tomorrow (haha) (which also indicate that I'm about to let go the 'A'thiq please grant my wish' thingy huu, because it seems like the memory-creating activity isn't going on very well lately. 

And yet I am looking forward this saturday, for a nasyeed concert 'Konsert Antara Dunia' :)

4 tickets for Asma' ,Umar, Yasir and Me. Huu ASIFAH Abang, kena tinggal hehe. Gimme a chance to reminisce my Bikr days :p

Wifey talk

Our plan to go to Taman Bandar ( a park with a big lake, within walking distance from UIA) had to be cancelled with the appearance of dark clouds and the distance sound of thunder. I am trying my best to make a visit to the park a routine every evening. And it means a routine sms to Abang as well asking for his permission. Maybe I should apply a 1-year license to go to Taman Bandar from A'thiq?? :) hehe. Living far away from an important man called a husband, I can't deny that sometimes I do accidentally forget to do what a wife is supposed to do. For example, asking for his permission to go to Taman Bandar. Well, I share the same experience with those undergoing the same thing. Huu now I know how hard it is to be a good wife. And yet I know how wonderful it is to be a wife :D. Or if I may dive deeper into the issue of specificity, how wonderful it feels to be the wife of A'thiq :) Alhamdulillah for that bounty. The issue is respect, obedience and loyalty. A husband deserves to be respected. A husband deserves to be obeyed. A husband deserves the loyalty of a wife. Why? Because Allah has said in the Quran 

Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (Next), refuse to share their beds, (And last) beat them (lightly); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them Means (of annoyance): For Allah is Most High, great (above you all).

An-Nisa': 34

I do find peace in reading this verse, alhamdulillah :). I am sure I need to say thank you...

1.Thank you Abang for being a great husband to me.

2. Thank you Abah for being a great husband to Ummi

3. Thank you Abang Apidzs for being a great husband to Kakak 

Somehow the rainy season has just started. And yesterday we managed to go to Tmn Bandar.

We hadn't even completed 1 lap (when a friend was completing his 10th lap), but proudly walked (instead of jogging) with ABC (air batu campur) in my hand and hiding the fact that a cup of teh ais had already embarked on its journey down our guts haha. We took a break at the Taman Bandar cafe (wink)

Being a P-S-Y student for the time being, I am sure the walk was purely to feed our guilt and anxiety for not exercising and for getting bigger and bigger in size respectively, day by day. Or it served as a way for us to celebrate our extroversion talkative side, exchanging stories with a close friend, after the long separation during A'thiq's stay previously, RATHER THAN allowing some metabolic activity to take place in real time huu. 

P/s: the reading stops here. What I am going to write next is strictly for A'thiq :) Hehe

A reminder to Abang:

Abang, I love u so much, and I am terribly missing ur presence by my side. But I have promised everybody and MYSELF that I will stay strong.. definitely i'll always try to keep my promise :) Bittaufiq wannajah for your exam tomorrow! : D 

How is Psy posting so far?

I am now again comitting a P-S-Y sin when for the umpteenth time I unguiltily indulge in truancy of mind, when I should actually open my mind to euphorically welcome few of Sigmund Freud's absurd psychosexual development theory. Or it deserves nothing superior than sensory memory?..

The scanty piece which I manage to grab is:

'anal retention at 18-36 months will lead to a person who are obsessed with CLEANLINESS'

I wonder why don't they develop CONSTIPATION instead- huh some obscene stuff!  Oopss I forgot it's the Psy theory (such neurotic effect), and futhermore it's Freud's theory (which upgrade the neurosis to psychosis).

Truthfully I have nothing against the presenters (I am actually acting as a contented audience of a Psy seminar) because to me their performances are wonderfully good :) and I try to understand the  grievous and calamitous process of trying to have some understanding of sinister Psy stuff asw ell as preparing for the presentation that they have experienced.. how extremely lucky I am to escape being one of the presenters.. Well done to them!

Yet, I still have no choice other than to score the Psy exam this friday though I have to be sincere that I have only started playing peek-a-boo with Psy notes very recently (specifically, I am trying to deal with Schizophrenia while tragically wondering what are the other lecture topics for the whole posting) What is it with scoring Psy MCQ, when my own 2 Psy weeks are filled with demotivated depressed self while consciously and meekly developing Dissociation as my neurotic ego defense mechanism?? Well.. because I desperately want A'thiq to grant me A wish which will only be granted IF I score the exam (with the possibility for me to score well in the exam nearly equals negative percentage ~sigh~ because REALLY it's not my own Psy rejection but it's my brain and I have arrived at the conclusion that nothing much can be done to repair the situation huu) 

P/s: Abang, are you trying to dig back my primary school year memory when I could be bribed with presents, in exchange with good exam results? (suspiciously asking Abang, while scrutinizing him telepathically haha)

Well I shouldn't get my hope high in gambling for such a thin strand of chance..

In between the Dr's intervention and seminar presentation, I with valour and high spirit, am combating the urge to let my reticular formation to do some wark, thus arresting some degree of consciousness. In simpler words, I welcome sleep, very good-naturedly huu.

Suddenly the Dr requests to summarize the whole presentation in 2 minutes. The presenter appeared quite shock (my emotional support and empathy lies with the presenter) but I think if I were in his shoes, I'd have grin from ear to ear, flashing few irregularly-arranged dentals, while allowing my autonomic nervous system to restore parasympathetic activity. Truthfully, I expect people to sleep when I present anything myself. Or if I am allowed to make a more dramatic statement, I expect my student to sleep as well when I am giving lectures, should I become a lecturer one day huhu. Well, what are air-conditioned lecture halls and cosy plastic chairs for (plus the dim light), other than to be exploited fully as a lullaby and send us into wonderful slumbers.. (don't adopt this pathological thinking!)

Ahh enough dose of the mumblings for now (I have informed everybody, this blog is for me to mumble huhu. sorry if you have arrived at this point and yet nothing benefits you :p). Case presentation with Dr Ramli in few mins (wink). Good luck to everybody (who is going to sit for the exam!) :)

A reminder for today :)

I guess this will be my 1st quiet weekend after almost 2 months of hectic life. As intelligent as a schizophrenic I might be, I still manage to make a simple plan for the weekend which probably won't stray much further from sleeping activity. I am sincerely surprised with myself for not planning a trip back to KL. Well settling down in Kuantan is equally important in my own conscience, though all my 3 roomates have fled to KL (that is so unjustifiable) for a happening weekend in their hometown probably. The fact that Umar, Asma & Yasir have bought tickets to watch Harry Potter tonight (and I with a low profile rejected the offer to watch it with them) isn't encouraging my Kuantan stay in anyway. The only ego defense mechanism I had was to make a plan to watch it with A'thiq when he comes home (another hapless mechanism haha)

I lived like a nomad when A'thiq was around, going back and forth KL-Alor Star, and in Kuantan to & fro between Beserah and Indera Mahkota. It was exhausting really, but adventurous as well, especially when you are clinging on to your significant other almost 24 hours a day :p Now I deeply believe this tiny cubicle of mine desperately needs my delicate touch to make it appear just like what it is- a cubicle! Gahh I can't recall when was the last time spring-cleaning was carried out here.

Somebody have just smsed me my O&G marks & ranking. Well, nothing extravaganza by the way, except that I passed my MCQ. How lame does that sound? Pretty pathetic :p

As for the pic, I grabbed it from Wani's facebook (yela orang takde kamera kan, tumpang kamera org lain la haha) It was taken when we attended the dinner finale -err jamuan perpisahan ke??- for the Group C posting of Year 3 MBBS!! Thanks to the organizer and thanks to Wani for the photo :D )

A reminder for today:

Hold on to the Quran, Hold it strong.

Grip the contents of the Quran, Grip them hard. 

Grab the understanding of Quran, Grab them clear.

Work hard to be a better muslim & muslimah :)

Entahla.. mengarut lg

I'm experiencing poverty of thoughts, truly! Is there any external force who has just taken away my mind? This is definitely not good. 

I guess being a wife has some of its adverse effects- cognitive degradation for example (for some type of wives huhu including me I think). What to say, I have earlier jot somewhere in this blog about succumbing to the wifey disease. The reason of this specific article writing is to say "Hye Abang! ^_^" whom I know visits this blog for Allah-knows-how-many-thousands-of-times in a day, but is usually met with depression when I don't update (which is the usual case nowadays). Haha abang, that is so you!! (said while imagining muka tegang Abang bila tengah stress. I can always laugh when I imagine your stressful face which i personally think is quite cute actually :p)

To those who are about to experience toxicity out of romance overdose which sources from this page, please take heed of my sincere medical advice: Don't visit this page for the immediate few months haha.

Actually yesterday I wanted to write on something, in relation to an extremely wonderful Quote which I have just read, but the internet wasn't very cooperative so I had to depressingly cancel the intention. However, I still think I can share the Quote now...

Had it been a near gain (booty in front of them) and an easy journey, they would have followed you, but the distance (Tabuk expedition) was long for them, and they would swear by Allâh, "If we only could, we would certainly have come forth with you." They destroy their ownselves, and Allâh knows that they are liars

Kalau yang kamu serukan kepada mereka itu keuntungan yang mudah
diperoleh dan perjalanan yang tidak seberapa jauh, pastilah
mereka mengikutimu, tetapi tempat yang dituju itu amat jauh
terasa oleh mereka. Mereka akan bersumpah dengan (nama) Allah:
"Jikalau kami sanggup tentulah kami berangkat bersama-samamu." Mereka
membinasakan diri mereka sendiri dan Allah mengetahui bahwa
sesungguhnya mereka benar-benar orang-orang yang berdusta.

Based on a kuliyyah which I had the chance of collecting some hikmah from it..

Whenever the word Rejab is being mentioned, automatically we'll think about Isra' Mikraj. The often-forgotten history is regarding Perang Tabuk which also took place in Rejab. I have no intention to elaborate more on this war now (because I am too lazy to continue typing), well you can read in the Quran, Surah Taubah.. but I was really hooked to the specific verse which I have pasted above..

It kinda ring a bell in mind, or like a pebble, with a throw, manages to disturb the water in a pond, creating concentric patterns which I hope will stay longer and not disappear so fast.. (because inzar or a reminder is something which we should very hurrily grab. It doesn't stay long).. only then I re-realized that we have such a long journey to go, as a human, as a muslim, as a servant, as a vicegerent, as a.....

The correct words are "Carried Away". Well sometimes after marriage, I tend to ponder why did we (or precisely: I. haha because I think I was the one who urged A'thiq to marry me asap :p) insisted very vigorously on a marriage. I can still vaguely recall something that resolved around- jaga muamalat, jaga iman, jaga hafazan, jaga kesucian keturunan, to help each other to be a better muslim and muslimah, semakin rajin bangun tahajjud sebab qiamullail sama2 kan, semakin rajin baca quran and iadah sama2, semakin bersemangat to get involved in islamic activities and programmes etc. The 'takkan org gerakan islami pun bercinta jugak?' sorts of things. Well, I am absolutely sure those who are currently bericnta anta anti nih very actively use these reasons hahahaha. 

AFTER MARRIAGE, I am trying very hard to determine how many percents of the alasan that we had used to get the permission to get married, are actually being CARRIED OUT? When I am sure I actually get CARRIED AWAY.. (luckily I have someone who keep reminding me)

Let us muhasabah,

1. Qiamullail makin mantap ke? Ehemm especially when your spouse hug you through the night, I am sure that is much tougher to combat compared to the Shaytan's handcuff or ikatan or whatsoever

2. Quran: semakin banyak baca ke? Wellll.... I am sure baca 2 tiga ayat je, itupun if sempat. You know bersembang sambil saling mengenali between husband and wife secara lebih mendalam pun ibadah jugak hehe

3. Mosque: how frequent would your visit be? Because.... bila abang kata "Abang pergi solat kat masjid ye" then the wife starts to make a sad face, "Abang solat kat rumah pun, berjamaah jugak. Kalau abang pergi masjid, nanti saya solat sendiri" Huu that is tough

4. Attending programmes: "Err saya tak dpt dtg la, sebab suami saya ada rumah, tak manis pulak saya sebagai isteri keluar merata-rata" or "Maf la ana tak dpt dtg program hari ni, zaujah ana tak berapa sihat"

5... Well I can continue up to let say... 100? Huhuuu 

I am writing this to remind MYSELF especially, that my journey is a long one.. And I have a very long way to go. Abang pun macam tu jugak.

Okay, after the lengthy luahan perasaan, especially to Abang (and to those who want to take some ibrah/ pengajaran), gelaran seorang Hamba Allah adalah gelaran yang sangat berat, because it depicts a long journey to be traversed. And here in this world, NOTHING can be called a destination. This is the beginning, thus make a good headstart, then definitely you won't regret when 1 day you finally arrive at the true ending. And yet, the ending, is also a beginning to an life of forever (akhirah). Perkahwinan pun bukan suka2, sebab ada tanggungjawab berat that one has to carry..........

Suddenly I am reminded of something, after our marriage.. 1 day A'thiq said to me "Murahnya abang beli ayang ni. RM80 je" I said, "Prostitute pun lg mahal kalau diukur dengan nilaian wang. Tp abang beli amanah (means myself) ni dengan bayaran tanggungjawab yang sgt besar" He nodded and kept quiet. In those few silent moments, I was touched. Everything about Islam is beautiful. Nampak murah dgn nilaian material, tapi sbnrnya mahal dengan ukuran tanggungjawab. Nampak sukar untuk ditempuhi ujian, tapi sbnrnya dah dibekalkan kekuatan dlm jiwa untuk menghadapinya. Nampak panjang dan jauh perjalanan, tapi sebenarnya Allah tidak membiarkan kita sesat dan lelah sendiri.. Al-Quran dan as-Sunnah sentiasa ada sbg panduan.

Well, actually abang ada program malam ni, dah start terasa sunyi. Apa ni??? Kata je nak jadi isteri seorang mujahid...

Strictly for A'thiq

The irony of my blogging activity is- the one who encourages me to continue writing the most is definitely A'thiq. What's so ironic about that? Because he was with me almost 24hrs in a day! But I guess his return to Jordan justifies and clarifies this matter gee. 

Again the only purpose of this entry is as a reminder for both me and Abu Ameer in years to come, nothing worthy to be read. He married me at 56kg, and promise to increase that figure haha. I married him at 45, and now afraid of the rapidly elevating number. People said I looked cengkung after marriage but I guess it was because of the fever (ke penat jaga abang? haha). And in no time people will start wondering whether I am pregnant by the appearance of my oedematous puffy faces and hands. The bad thing about it is, they aren't 3rd spaces fluid loss but fat deposition instead.

One important message for my own self is, I should watch out intensely for the extra kilos. If I retain 4kg with each pregnancy, that sums up to 12kgs after 3 gravida, plus the 'happy' kilos (which merely means excessive food consumption due to blissful life), I don't want to retire at around 65kg! Umar's chocs from France aren't supportive in anyway- that is so pathetic.

So jogging for me from now on. Perhaps a visit to Taman Bandar for few minutes everyday won't hurt that much. Arghhhh

A stern yet loving reminder for A'thiq (accompanied with a wink and an acidic sweet smile) "Abang, make sure your kilos keeps increasing! haha"

A lethal dose of P-S-Y

Written during Dr H****’s class on Mental State Examination….

I’ll be needing the asylum in no time. Rapport between me and Psychiatry is strictly prohibited from existing in the universe: a fact that I have realized since the first time me and Psy was destined to meet when I was in 1st year MBBS. After 2 years, I am sure nothing changes much

The only thing that is helping me to go through this unbearable 2 weeks of Psy posting is A’thiq’s absence huhu which significantly implies that nothing exciting awaits me after class. You know, when he was around, I finished my lecture time planning on the best way to spend the days haha. Nowadays, I guess I am not laid with many choices- definitely I am trapped and stuck in such a pitiful time frame of Psy posting, trying hard to appear interested and smiling all the way through Psy tortures, while my mind is actually actively reminiscing the wonderful days that I had naughtily spent with Abang gee.

“Maryam, what did the Dr has just said?” a mate who is sitting next to me in the lecture hall, asks –oopss- with a sleepy face. Haha I am unquestioningly not alone in combating the yawns and droopy eyelids. That fact is a bit soothing actually haha. 

“Oops sorry I didn’t get it” of course Iforgot to catch anything- how very lame and not surprising at all.

“Maryam, amy ngantuk”

I just flashed my sheepish silly smile. Psy is just not my stuff. Well to be truthful I am writing this in the class, undoubtedly I have to apologize to Dr as I am sure he mistaken this vigorous writing exhibit, with my enthusiasm in copying down every single words of his lecture. I am deeply sorry… 

“Understand? Please ask. If u don’t understand, u will not be interested. Ur mind will wonder away” arghh those lines send a pang of guilt which truthfully was not guilt but rather… “O Allah help my brain to function though slowly..Ameen”

Yes sir, my mind has actually arrived at ummuameer.blogspot.com wondering what was the actual colour of the bird? Are there 2 birds or a bird on the page? Umm I don’t remember..

“What is normal perception? You had this lecture in 1st year. Do you still remember that you had this lecture?” the Dr asked

“Yyesss… yes, I do remember”

“Good at least you know that you had the lecture”

I guess that was how lame everybody were huhuu.

Me (silently): Correct interpretation of a stimulus… ??

“You are hearing voices aren’t you?” It was a general statement. Uhh I am sure none of us are schizophrenics..

“You, do you hear voices?” he was aiming at Awis. Awis nodded, “Your voice,” he answered while pointing his finger to the lecturer. Ahh at least I now I know that I am not hallucinating nor illusioning, or worst- schizophrenic because I was hearing voices as well. The Dr’s voices undoubtedly hehe.

Probaly I should stop now before I further stain my blog with my abnormal mental state..

P/s just to inform: A’thiq has joined me in this blog gee :p Abu Ameer, welcome!

A day before A'thiq's departure

Yesterday was indeed a blessed day when our whole family united for the first time! Umar's homecoming was indeed a joyful occasion. Umar for the first time met his two abang ipar haha. So instead of the usual five, there were 7 of us! plus abah and ummi, that makes us 9 in total!! 

Next was bowling game in Sunway Pyramid until nearly 2am aghh although I was dead tired and could even sleep in the bowling centre! (please understand that I have never even once hold the bowlng ball with my own fingers throughout my life)

This is our big family :)

The tok penghulu: Abah =p

Umar who has just came back from France 1 day before A'thiq departed for Jordan

Asma', Me, A'thiq and Umar. How I miss Abang's smile!!! 

Haa kakak and abang apidzs diskas pe tu??

yasir, abang apidzs, kakak and ummi

Yasir aka ABU (Anak Bawah Umur) displaying his ABUness I guess??..........

Fuhhh I am FINALLY back!!!

Well I guess the quite-many coming posts aren't very suitable for public reading, obviously not in the manner of unsuitability which many people might think but rather they are going to be (gimme few seconds to think of an appropriate adjective).... an acidic insult to the brain which MIGHT induce some degree of necrotic changes in the cortex, or in more obvious words- they are going to be plain flat useless huhu. Never mind, that's what I do anyway- I enjoy doing useless thing. Don't put a harsh blame on me later for not exhibiting a perfect warning because this is what the first paragraph all about- DON'T CONTINUE READING. Why bother to write then? Ahaa because I am a blogger :p 

A long (yet short) 3 weeks for me and A'thiq I guess after our nikah. A short holiday of 1 week between 3rd and 4th year followed by 2 weeks of 'nauseating' Forensic practically because we got tonsillitis and fever and flu (and we even went to screen for H1N1 status in HTAA one morning at around 1am haha because the URTI just got worse after 3 antibiotic prescription), finally A'thiq returned to his orginal place- Jordan undoubtedly :p

A'thiq I am sure couldn't disagree with me if I say we have gone through soo many things. Probably 'many' for a newly wed couple. And we kept saying that everything happened for reasons- I am sure to strengthen both of us for the separation that was yet to come. (Gee he flew to Jordan this morning!). Improper honeymoon when we were entertained with lectures on death and crimes, a lovely visit to the mortuary (which I happily skipped), and the worst part was the vomiting as well as clinic & hospital visits PLUS the various drugs that we joyfully consumed, reminding each other to take antibiotic whoaaa everything was sadfully wonderful :D And yup! no swimming and beaches for us haha. 

I don't have the slightest intention to induce the occurrence of jealousy in the pure heart of anybody, but yes I have to admit, being married is wonderful hahahaha and hahaha. Despite the downsides of our condition, it was still very wonderful, well cuci mata everyday looking at my handsome husband (owh to those who feel that A'thiq is not handsome -uhuk- please don't feel offended k becuase I personally think he is handsome p/s if wife tak puji, sape lagi nak puji aeh?? :p), someone to turn to when you wake up in the middle of the night crying out of being terrorized by nightmares, and of course in my special case- someone whom I could make a report to on missing things e.g socks, handphones, antibiotic etc, and feeling good about it because I knew it would be entertained. Btw, A'thiq has an excellent reputation of finding my things 100% so far hehe how extremely amazing.

I guess I should stop for a while, to be continued later :)

Semoga lebih tabah dalam mengharungi hidup

Whoa it's hard to update these days but please don't get me wrong because it's not the honeymoon thingies. It seems like a group of some kind of Strep just can't leave us alone, and accomplish their mission of making our lives miserable with tonsilitis and fever. A'thiq? Haha we are enjoying the activity of sharing things including the Strep, so despite the fact that we are residing for the time being at the beach, not even once our skin touched the salt water. How much more romantic can a honeymnoon be with nausea and vomiting as well as febrile temperature? Ooops not to forget the romantic sound of cough and blocked nose. Huu I guess everything is soooo 'romantic' :p

And currently enjoying packets after packets of jeruk in between durian, I personally think we enjoy the vicious cycle of melantak durian until our temperatures spike up and then sleep it off, followed by eating jeruk to wipe off the nauseous feeling, and melantak durian again when are about to feel healthy. -sigh- the fact that I have to humbly accept: A'thiq is sooo obsessed with durian, and as I'm trying to be a good wife, I have this conscience that the best thing I should do is to eat the durian with him (trying to hide the truth that I am also a hantu durian :p). We are actually hiding durians in the fridge of our room despite the hotel rule that durians are strictly not allowed

Now is 21:21, Thursday. Athiq has just returned from the mosque and suddenly after a hot bath, (plus a whole day of sleeping under thick blankets) I have this urge of updating this blog. Obviously I didn't attend the class this morning. Again it's not the honeymoon thingies but rather the infection because yesterday I had my second cycle of antibiotic- now it's the augmentin after a cycle of bacampicillin. 

People are asking me "Err do you think it's... you know" and my eyeballs almost pop out of the sockets, "Ehemm ehemm I guess I have such an accelerated zygote implantation, villous & placental formation and hCG production within 1 week which trigger the hyperemesis gravidarum" or in a more conventional way "I am married for just one week, obviously it's not pregnancy" huuu huuuu and huhuuuuuuu. Don't try to scare me and make me jump out my skin in extreme surprise. Ooopss I think I make A'thiq pregnant as well- becuase he vomits obviously more than me.

Another week before A'thiq departs for Jordan, and I resume my 'I am single' status, I definitely am going to miss the millions of seconds that I spend with him. A'thiq is such a superb husband and I sincerely should apologize to him for making his life hard these few days.. really I am going to miss his presence but that's life. Another 2 years of medical school for me geee. I am going to do my best, Chaiyokk to myself and to Abang!!

Just like A'thiq has always told me, "Semoga lebih tabah dalam mnegharungi hidup"

LOVELIEST COUPLE EVER!!!!

Currently enjoying few minutes being single after almost a week of feeling intoxicated by my significant other (as if I don't have any hope of being single after a'thiq's departure to jordan in few weeks time huhu p/s maybe i can still flirt after this wink wink :p), updating this blog while A'thiq performs his Jumaat prayer, is undoubtedly my priority hehe. I'm now enjoying Kedah, while reminiscing the majestic day of our humble wedding reception and of course enjoying the photos as well as the nice statements from family and friends that sound something like "Amboi comelnya, pandai hang pilih ye Athiq" or "Lawalah bini ampa ni noo" hahaha though I know for sure that A'thiq is feeling extremely jealous of me and trying hard to make me believe that we look alike which signifies that whenever anybody mention my kecomelan, it implies to his 'good look' also ehem ehemmmm (hahahaha again and again. kidding :p)

I couldn't find the most precise word to picture my euphoria (i could even cry!!) when I saw our friends' faces at the reception especially my MBBS 0611, akhawat from SRIH!!, SMKS, and of course my ABs!! Thank you from the deepest bed of my heart, for making our wedding reception such a memorable one!!!! (obviously anybody can detecy that I'm typing this in such a euphoric state haha)

Because I know soo many people are dying to lay their eyes on the picture of the loveliest couple ever, I very happily upload this pic hehe. Enjoy it :D

The loveliest and greatest couple ever!!

To Ummi and Abah, I love both of you extremely. You have done so much for me. I'm now a wife to an honourable man, but I am still the loving daughter to the greatest and loveliest couple ever!!!

Two mums yang sangat aku cintai!! Pray that I can be as great as them :)

This is my new dad :)

Two men that I love most! + abah kedah + umar + yasir :p

Asma kakak & yasir. though i'm feeling a lil sad that umar wasn't around...

Thank you to my great mak andam- Asma' hehe and my pengapit- Faraa. Really thank you! Thanks to my relatives who have helped in making the reception a smooth one, to Mimi, Faraa and Hana who have camped in my house since the night before the wedding to put on Henna on my fingers etc.. :) Abg Apidzs the great wedding photographer :p And especially to those who gave us presents especially those who gave me things which really suits my taste, and for ME ALONE (e.g ade org bg minyak wangi perempuan tp tak bg minyak wangi lelaki, ada org bagi baju perempuan je and tak bagi baju lelaki hehe) while abandoning A'thiq and managed to make him feel extremely jealous of me for having such sporting buddies ngeh3x

I'm also feeling extremely excited after a wonderful discovery that in 4th year, I'll be in the same group with Ah-long dude!! Ah-long dude, for sure your prayer has been granted!! (mine as well hehe)

I think that's all for now. Will surely update later!

Wedding miscellaneous

It feels nice (extremely actually) to enjoy post-exam quiet days in the serene ambience of our home. I'm trying to pretend that nothing big is going on (since I am not into socializing and partying that much though if the tok kadi asks me whether I would like to bring forward my akad nikah, i won't hesitate an inch to answer a definite Yes haha). My aunt has arrived from Sarawak yesterday, and here I am, blogging. 

For my short case i got a case of breech with Dr Roszaman. Hmm nothing much, and the discussion was around external cephalic version. Dr Dalia (the new lecturer) accompanied him, she was actually trying to familiarize herself with the examination system. Anyway, it was very short (as the name implies of course), I hope it was ok, enough to cover my lumpy long case. Enough of the examination dose. 

Truthfully our house is as quiet as a grave (i am obviously lying because i can hear the sound from the switched on fan). But we are expecting the arrival of relatives tomorrow. There are things which don't happen as planned earlier. Upset? A bit. But never mind, Allah is the best planner :)

I think I've passed the hectic part for the wedding (though I think the next hectic episode starts tomorrow whooa this is so nightmarish), and as for now the only thing I'd love to do is enjoying this end of year 3 holiday to the fullest!

Come to think about it, I have finished my Year 3 MBBS which means I am now a Year 4 student. Is that important? Because I don't feel the slightest 'brainier than a week ago' when I was in Year 3 hmmm. However Year 4 promises a brighter med student life for me. I really can't wait for Year 4 to start! Ah-long dude adekah kita akan sama posting?? Really hoping for it...

How was the exam? Ok? COurse not!

So it is a day post-final-exam, I'm writing again though initially I planned to continue writing after my wedding. I have been blogging for the past 3 quiet weeks- with the only difference I save them as drafts. Reading again the pieces, I couldn't find any reason to publish them save few relevant ones huu it was the usual habit- writing nonsense.

And again my habit of writing on exams- so here goes. The best thing about our exam is, it takes only 2 days! With the first day being examined on the theory part (MCQ & PMP), second day caters the clinical aspect. I was very lucky to have my second day of exam on tuesday rather than on wednesday cause it merely means 1 whole day less for the anxiety to cause cardiomyopathy and damage my fast-beating heart.

MCQ was ~ err no comment. PMP (I don't know what do the initials stand for haha) was quite ok. It's very similar to PBL, we were given 3 cases and for each cases few questions were given (which of course we were expected to answer but that is seldom the case for me huhu). The first one was UV prolapse, 2nd was Pre-eclampsia, 3rd was antepartum haemorrhage (haha I'm giving a vague unspecific diagnosis simply because I don't have the guts to specify it :p)

As for the second day of examination, my exam started at 9am with Long Case. In this exam, I was assigned to a patient, given wonderful 60 mins to act friendly and caring to the patient though most of the time i just acted like a total irritating pest throwing basketful of privacy-breaching queries and invading her dignity by doing physical examinaition with the only justification- I'm trying to help you to become healthy...! :( , and after that a doctor would arrive at the patient's bed and ask me to present the case.

2 things that average-students (like me hoho) love to do before exam:

1. Find out the list of doctors that will take the exam (be the examiners)

2. Pray hard so that only the lenient ones will be available

2 things that average-students love to do on the exam day:

1. scan hard the doctors available in the ward

2. Pray hard that we will be taken only by the lenient ones

2 things that average-students love to do after the exam

1. Pray hard so that our examiner won't remember us for the rest of our life (The worst nightmare for me is when I meet my examiner after the exam, straightaway he/she will remember all the insane things which I have done and mentioned and written in the exam huu)

2. Walk out of the ward in a pitiful face, hoping at least the doctor will give markah kesian, meet our comrades and confess the total havoc of the exam ~sigh~

So back to my long case, I became so nervous when I saw Dr Raja Arif simply because I had a case with him during ward round once. I was dead afraid he would remember my face and have a negative perception towards me huhu. But ignoring the fact, I just went to the patient's bed, looked at her and she seemed so familiar...

Clumsily introduced myself and asked her permission to clerk her. Have I met her before? Yes.. yes.. but I simply couldn't remember.. then YES! "You were in the ward for blood transfusion.. once upon in a time" She nodded. Nightmare started to set in. She was actually Ashraf's patient which I borrowed for Hana's CEX (Haha we actually made our own CEX), and I clearly remebered that Ashraf tried to confuse Hana by telling her it was a case of Leaking Liquor (siap reka cerita lg the amount of leaking) when actually it was a case of anemia in pregnancy + HIV positive. Ok I am not prepared for this.. for HIV case. 

"Kali ni masuk hospital kenapa? Tambah darah lagi ke?" 

"Eh taklah, masuk sebab kencing manis la"

"Ha?????????????" She answered as if her diabetes was like any of her other problems.. so gaily.

I was hoping for a case of Gestational Diabetes Mellitus or Diabetes complicating pregnancy but DEFINITELY NOT THIS KIND OF DIABETES

GDM under diet control, moderate grade anemia with Hb of 7, AIDS on atiretroviral treatment.. what more could I hope for?.....

During the discussion, I tried to steer the direction towards GDM but the examiner (Dr Bahyah) was far more interested in the severe anemia (+ discussion on heart failure) + labouring patient with retroviral disease. I was a complete flunker! Reality is, I flunked almost all of the exam haha (though the Drs sympathized with me and allowed me to pass)

I'll write on shortcase later...

It's the Wedding season!

I think it's the wedding season. I attend wedding receptions almost every weekend!

2nd May: K. Dayah + Ust Elmi in Sepang Please click here for more story :) 

*Attended this one but I had no pics

15th May: Akad K.Ac + Abg Azreen Please click here for more story

*Didn't attend

31st May: K.Nadia + Dr Azlan

*Didn't attend because it was so far away in Perak For more Pics please click here

4th June: K.Tasnim + Solah  in Kelantan

*Didn't attend due to logistic prob :p

5th June: K.Ac + Abg Azreen Kelantan 

*Didn't attend due to logistic prob too

6th June: Abang Azreen + K.Ac in Kelantan

*Again, didn't attend

6th June: Ipin + 'Atikah in Ampang Please click here for more story

*Didn't attend because tak tahu jalan

6th June: K.Sarah + Abg Rif'an in Shah Alam

*Didn't attend because I went out with ummi & abah

7th June: Ijat + Amir in Klang

*Attended this one, Alhamdulillah :)

13th june: K. Fatimah Hidayah & Ust Taufik

*Didn't attend because it was in Kedah huu so far away

14th June: Sakinah & Bukhoree

*Attended this one also

15th June: Amir & Ijat in Johor Please Click Here

*Didn't attend because I have attended the one in Klang hehe

20th June: Amalina + ?? in Terengganu Please Click Here

*Sorry adik for not attending.. my exam is just around the corner huu 

20th June: Ust Taufik & K.Fatimah Hidayah

*Didn't attend as well huhu

27th Jun: K. Mazwani & Ust Ubaidillah

*Didn't attend because if I attend then I'll be missing from mine hehe

27th June: My wedding insyaAllah. Alhamdulillah Please Click Here

*.......

4th July: Ezy (Mimi's Sister) + Halim

*Planning to attend with A'thiq insyaAllah :)

18th July: K.Mawarni + Sham in Balok, Kuantan Please Click Here

*Can't attend because hantar Athiq kat klia.. back to Jordan :(

Anymore??? :)

I am angry

8 days left before I will sit for my final 3rd year exam- O&G, and yet I don't know what am I doing right now- wasting my time. My aunt who is few years older than me got married today. Her name is Mariam (a variant of my name which is Maryam :) Still I think my name spelling is much better hik hik). Didn't attend the reception because initially thought I was going to study (Asma' and Yasir were very jealous because they couldn't use the same reason to escape from attending haha, and finally they 'polite'ly tagged Abah and Ummi to the wedding ceremony :p )

Currently feeling very irritated with Grey's anatomy. I do personally think it is not much different from Cinta Medik. Sometimes I need extra dose of hospital air by watching these medical series, you know with their hospital standard being very different from the dreadful HTAA, it definitely helps to nurture my imagination of a high-tech hospital. Probably 1 day I will have the chance to work in such environment~ Nilai Medical City here I come heh heh, everything sleek and technological will be the props of IIUM insyaAllah :p

Coming back to the original issue, I think Grey's Anatomy use the medical background merely as a background to highlight the explicit censored scenes that they were so eager to show- it was dead disgusting to think of how cheap the movie is actually!! My initial intention to treat my mind to some boggling diseases in some hospital room was dampened by the fact that bedroom scenes dominated the movie. It was in fact the doctors' on-call room, with the doctors having nothing to do than cherishing their sexual lives with each other. How much more disgusting could that be????

After 10 minutes, I decided that it was so toxic that I really needed to stop before I vomit in front of the TV, and smudging Ummi's rattan mat with bitter bilious greenish-black vomitus..

It was like yesterday when asma' and me were on our way back from Times Square (for our secret programme haha), on the KTM we met a young couple smooching in the back seats of the train. I might be wrong when I mentioned 'a young couple' because the right term should be 'a children couple'. They were so young that their age couldn't even pass 15!! The boy was putting his two legs on the lap of the girl, playing with their handphones (what else do 2 school children do??) while both of us stared at them very intensely. Initially I was sitting with them behind my back, because real truth was I very nearly vomited with rage. But then I realized that I shouldn't just ignore, so I tried to display my uneasiness, turning 180 degrees to face them directly. But of course I didn't spill a word lest they would label me as a 'busy body', instead I watched them as if I was watching a drama on TV. To my dismay, they bisik2 infront of me! They definitely knew that I hated doing that so much (watching them) and yet they also believed that I didn't have the authority to scold them~

Truth is, when you face this kind of thing, you don't watch with lust, asking yourself "Why can't I do the same thing?" instead you watch with rage, asking yourself "I have attended so many course on dakwah, and yet in this real situation, I feel so helpless. Hey kids, look here, I am a medical student, I know how many babies are being born out of wedlock! And look here girl, the bitter real truth is, once you are pregnant, your stupid boyfriend will leave you to suffer on the hospital bed (if you are lucky enough to deliver in a hospital), for Allah-knows how many hours, writhing and wriggling in extreme pain to deliver your baby. And that will only be the STARTING point of your dark horrible life in the future bla.. bla.. bla.." I was so mad, and I felt so helpless....

The real useful piece of advice that I should get was "Control your anger, for a daie calls with love.."

And tonight I get another dose of madness from watching Grey's.. I think House MD is very much better, though they still have those sexual scenes, but at least I learn a lot on medical stuff. if only.. if only.. there is a muslim medical series not much different from House MD.. if only...

Guide

Wikimapia guide to the dewan of our wedding reception insyaAllah :)

Coordinates: 3°10'17"N 101°30'51"E

click here

Very short

Why does this blog still exist? Because previously I have written on how lame I am in handling separation, including with this blog.

Thus after extensive conference and discussion, ALHAMDULILLAH, my application to write here is granted!!! Not that it would mean anything to anybody by the way, but it means everything to me :)

BUT with 1 condition:

Continue writing only after marriage! Uhuh? Syarat apekah ini?? Let it be, because in the end it still signifies that blogging will be continued after marriage insyaAllah :) 

So, holiday for another 3 weeks :) Till then.. sayonara H.A.C.O.C

Seperti Khadijah kepada Rasulullah

Today I am in the melancholic mood again after such severe diarrhea. It was due to the keropok lekor rebus that I ate this morning, I am sure.

2 days ago, I went to Kedai Buku Ansar in KP with Hana, in a vigorous search of wifey books. At that point of time, I had just realized that what I had in me was not enough for me to be a good wife. In the end, I bought two books

1. Kisah cinta sejati Khadijah  by Abdul Mun'im Muhammad Umar

2. Jalan Kebahagiaan by ...

The first chapter I read was of course on anger. Why? Because at that time I was still feeling extremely sad after being scolded by A'thiq for some reason. Kesedihan di hati masih tinggi. Why sad? Because after the scolding session, I am extra aware that I haven't done enough to make him feel happy.. Ini baru je bertunang dan duduk berjauhan.. apatah lagi jika dah berkahwin dan duduk bersama? Pasti banyak lagi kelemahanku yang akan mengecewakan dia..

Starting from there I was so determined (and still am) to change drastically. To change to be a better person. Menjadi isteri solehah yang sentiasa membahagiakan suami. Aku ingin menjadi seperti Khadijah kepada Rasulullah, sehinggakan pemergiannya meninggalkan nama, kehilangannya diiringi air mata, kesunyian hidup tanpanya mebuahkan rindu, dan meskipun dengan ketiadaannya, namanya sentiasa saja meniti dibibir Rasulullah, diungguli dan bagaimana pula perasaan dalam hati baginda? Pastinya tersangat merindui isteri tercinta!

Ya, aku ingin menjadi seperti dia. I want my presence in his life become a priceless gift. Aku begitu ingin menjadi bidadari kepada dia, menjadi ibu anak-anaknya, menjadi tempat untuk dia bermanja, menjadi temannya mengejar cinta dan redha Yang Maha Esa, beriringan dengannya menyusuri jalan mencari syurgaNya.. 

Aku ingin menjadi seperti kahdijah kepada Rasulullah....

Kesungguhanmu keredhaanku

Kesungguhanmu..keredhaanku

Pertama kali dia melamarku, sudah kukatakan padanya melalui mas'ulahku, aku sama sekali tidak menguasai urusan rumahtangga..memasak, menjahit, berkebun atau apa-apa saja..ternyata balasan yg ku terima dia hanya tertawa dan berkata manusia ini bisa belajar, yang penting rajin berusaha..
Entahlah..rajin saja..tapi..
....

Setelah berkahwin, aku belum sering memasak..alhamdulillah, banyak perencah-perencah segera di pasaran yg sudah siap..tinggal dipanaskan sahaja dan dibubuh ayam, udang atau apa sahaja....tapi, aku tetap masak nasi..terkadang nasinya lembik..macam bubur pula..terkadang keras bangat..huhu..tapi dia tak pernah mengeluh.. mengomen..cuma tersenyum-senyum..

2 bulan kami berkahwin..ada sedikit kemajuan dalam urusan rumah tangga ku dan tidaklah terlalu banyak masa dibazirkan seperti sebelumnya. Sekiranya ada masa terluang, buku resepi ku selak mencari menu yg ringkas, lazat dan sihat..kadang2 ku olah sedikit..tapi entah mengapa hasilnya sering tidak memuaskan seperti yg aku kehendaki. Dan akhirnya ku makan sendirian..rasanya. bentuknya sering tak keruan..huhu..padahal..aku sudah mengikut satu persatu petunjuk dalam buku!

'Mak pandai masakkan..mewarisi tok rasanya..tok dulu pandai masak..kalau tok masak, mesti abi tambah banyak..' kata abi suatu ketika. waktu itu abi baru sudah makan ikan goreng cili buatanku.

Aku diam saja dan menunduk dalam-dalam. Ikan gorengku terlalu kuning warnanya, terlalu masin dan terlalu pedas, malah bentuknya juga seolah tidak wujud..hancur berantakan..wajarlah kalau tiba-tiba abi teringat ibunya

'ok je nie'..kata abi tersenyum-senyum..'insyaAllah esok lebih baik, ok yea abi pergi dulu, dah lambat nih..'

Abi berangkat dengan wajah merah..pastinya kepedasan..aku cuba tersenyum.. menghantarnya di balik pintu..ku lihat badan abi yg dulu tegap semakin kurus.! Ya , semakin kurus. Aku jadi semakin bersalah..bagaimana tidak kurus, pekerjaannya, kegiatan dakwahnya, musafirnya begitu jauh..tapi abi selalu makan nasi sepinggan dengan nasi separuh..tidak pernah menambah!

Tiba-tiba air mataku mengalir, sudah tiga bulan berkahwin, hampir belum ada kemajuan untuk aku mempersiapkan mujahidku..dan dia semakin kurus..

Entahlah..dulu sewaktu aku larut dalam dakwah..sibuk ke sana ke mari..aktivitiku hanya terfokus pada tarbiyyah dan dakwah..program..program diriku ku perah di sana..sehingga terabai tugas-tugas kerumahtanggan..sedangkan ini juga tarbiyyah dan dakwah!

Aku kini belajar sedikit demi sedikit..ziarah ke rumah ibu mertuaku ku kerapkan..kuperhatikan dgn teliti ibu mertuaku memasak, menunya, bahan-bahannya..caranya..dan tiap hari tanpa jemu ku praktikkan senyap2..sudahnya aku makan sendiri..:) aku cukup serius belajar utk menghidupkan rumahtanga kami dan menyihatkan rijalud dakwahku..

Akhirnya, setelah 6 bulan..aku semakin tega memasak....suatu hari .. 'ini mee goreng ala ummi'..
'waa..sedap nie..'.. abi kelihatan excited!
'dan ini sayur goreng kesukaan abi, tidak seperti bulan lalu..sekarang potongannya sudah professional..'
Abi kelihatan makan dengan agak berselera..
Dan aku menanti takut-takut.. 'camne abi..ok tak?'
Abi tersenyum, kali ini lebih manis..'Alhamdulillah..tapi..'
'nape abi?'..mukaku sedikit cuak..abi mebeliakkan matanya...tiba-tiba dia mengeluarkan sesuatu yang sempat dikunyahnya..aku terkejut..bulatan garam sebesar biji anggur..astaghfirullah!..
........

8 bulan setelah pernikahan kami..alhamdulillah segalanya berjalan semakin lancer..kini abi semakin ghairah menjelang waktu makan..mau makan masakan ummi katanya..tampak dia menghargai kesungguhanku dan penat lelahku..

Hari ini genap setahun usia perkahwinan kami, alhamdulillah, surat doctor pengesahan kehamilan ku lipat kemas..inilah hadiah ulang tahun kita..alhamdulillah syukur..sambil menunggu abi pulang, aku muraja'ah hafalan surah an-nuur..subhanallah, betapa mulianya tugas ini..tugas seorang isteri, seorang ibu yg cukup besar sumbangannya dalam pembentukan umat..

0015, abi pulang.. 'assalamualaikum wr wbt ummi..' 'waalaikumussalam wr wbt..abi..ada hadiah untuk abi..'
'dari siapa?'
'dari seorang akhawat..;)'

Abi mengerut kening, lantas tersenyum, diraihnya bungkusan dan di buka perlahan-lahan..'
'Alhamdulillah..syukur..' ada sebak dalam nadanya
'dan ini untuk ummi'..ujar abi tiba-tiba..
La..eh..aku sungguh terkejut..dihulurkan gulungan kertas seperti sijil kepadaku..
Ku buka perlahan-lahan..ditulis dengan dakwat emas..'buat ummi kebanggaan abi, terima kasih atas kerja keras selama ini. Abi sentiasa redha'..

Aku tak bisa menahan senduku..dia membeli kad dan menulis dengan tinta emas untukku..sungguh ya Allah, redhanya lebih berharga bagiku dari hadiah apapun genap setahun usia perkahwinan kami..:)

Buat Isteri Pejuang

Jelmaanmu merentas bongkah sendu
Mengorban naluri merungkai pilu
Mengharungi gurun tanpa bayu

Isteriku
Kehadhiranmu adalah mustika
Mengerlip cahaya sakinah
Laksana bintang membentuk arah burujnya

Isteriku
Saban waktu , dirimu abdi di gobokku
Senyum manismu menenang jiwaku
Kerlinganmu mengorak senyumku
Kesetiaanmu menyejuk mataku

Isteriku
Ketika kesejukan mataku
Memandang wajahmu duhai isteriku
Memori ini mengimbau zaman remajaku
Dikala kuhamparkan tangan ke awan biru
Merintih harap isteri yang solehah
Penyejuk mata dan penyeri rumahtangga

Isteriku
Di senjakala , ku menongkat resah
Dirimu tersangkar dalam kemiskinanku
Dirimu tak punya manikam permata untuk kukalungkan
Tiada nota ringgit untuk kuunjukkan
Tiada lambang kemewahan untukku hamparkan
Dirimu hanya ku langir debu
Ku balutkan jubah
Ku hilangkan dahagamu secangkir Cuma
Ku hambat bosanmu seketika sahaja

Isteriku
Di hening subuh ku merenung sayu
Dirimu kesepian dalam kesibukkanku
Hari - hari berlabuh kita berasingan
Kesedihanmu , sementara diriku di medan
Kesakitanmu pun tiada aku disisi
Rumahku , dirimulah penanti setia
Sementara bagiku , ia hanyalah dangau persinggahan

Isteriku
Dirimu masih setia dalam sangkar yang sepi
Demi nilai cinta dan ketaatanmu

Isteriku
Dongaklah wajahmu ke atas
Hulurlah tanganmu ke hadapan
Tabahlah duhai isteriku
Tidakkan ku sia siakan hidupmu
Kan ku hidangkan ilmu buatmu
Kan ku bawamu ke alam perjuangan
Kan ku hantarkan ke perlembahan hidayah

Isteriku
Bajailah cinta kita
Tenggelamkanlah kemelut rasamu

Isteriku

Diriku tetap setia disampingmu
Sungguhpun kita jarang bertemu

Sayang isteriku sayang isteriku

Posted at 26.12.07 by aannajah

Diari seorang istri solehah (bukan diari Ummu Ameer :p)

diari seorang isteri solehah

4.30pagi



Terasa hangat kucupan pada dahi ini. Ku lihat zauji di sebelah sudah siap berjubah putih dan berkopiah. Lantas daku hadiahkan sekuntum senyuman buat zauji. Sungguh semangat dia pagi itu. Mungkin kerana malam semalam dia tidak ada tugasan di luar. Kalau tidak nampak juga wajah keletihannya jika pulang lewat dari mesyuarat atau usrah cawangan. Namun, ianya tidak pernah tinggal.



Ya Allah, bersyukurnya aku padaMu kerana dikurniakan aku seorang suami yang soleh. Kau tetapkanlah imannya, kekalkanlah ketaqwaannya padaMu, dan eratkan lagi kasih sayang yang telah Engkau berikan kepada kami. Ameen! 



6.30pagi



Selesai menunaikan solat subuh dan mengaminkan doa kudus zauji, seperti biasa zauji akan memberikan sedikit kuliah buatku. Wajahnya sangat tenang. Walaupun ku tahu disebalik ketenangan itu terlalu banyak tugasan yang perlu zauji selesaikan. Jawatan sebagai Ketua Pemuda Kawasan membuatkan waktu untuk kami bersama amat terhad. Jadi, waktu beginilah zauji manfaatkan bersamaku. Aku redha dan pasrah, malah aku bangga miliki zauji. Dialah suamiku dunia akhirat.



8.00pagi



Pagi sabtu begini zauji ada mesyuarat mingguan di Taman Melawati. Lagipun pula sekarang sedang hangat isu pilihanraya umum, semakin sibuk insan kesayanganku itu, kekadang tak sampai hati melihat keadaan zauji. Ke sana dan ke mari menjalankan tugas. Namun tak pernah ia merintih dan mengadu. Aku persiapkan kelengkapannya untuk mnghadiri msyuarat. Baju dan seluarnya telah siap ku gosok. Kopiah, sapu tangan, dan stoking sudah pun kucuci, ku susun rapi di atas katil. Zauji kata hari ini dia perlu bawa fail Tarbiyyah dan Siasah. Aku capai fail2 yang sedia tersusun rapi di atas rak dan ku satukan bersama pen dan beberapa helai kertas kosong untuk zauji membuat catatan dan ku letakkan ke dalam briefcasenya. 

   

Aku bergegas ke dapur. Melihat pisang yang ku goreng. Zauji sedang menikmati teh panas. Aku suakan pisang goreng ke mulutnya. Zauji tersenyum, katanya pisang gorengku sedap, lantas cubitan manjaku singgah ke pipinya yang semakin usang dibawa usianya yang semakin meningkat.



Ya Allah, bahagianya aku pagi ini. Kau lindungilah suamiku, permudahkanlah tugasnya dan peliharalah dia. Kekalkanlah kemesraan ini hingga ke akhir hayat kami?



Sebelum zauji pergi ke Taman Melawati, dia berpesan padaku agar menjaga diri baik-baik. Zauji berjanji akan pulang selepas sahaja habis mesyuarat. Aku betulkan kopiah zauji yang senget sedikit. Aku pastikan segala kelengkapan yang perlu zauji bawa tidak tertinggal. Aku kucup tangan kasar zauji yang telah banyak bersusah payah mencari rezeki untuk kami sekeluarga. Walau tak seberapa gaji zauji terima, namun keberkatan dari Allah, wang yang sedikit itulah mengajar kami bersifat zuhud dan bersederhana dalam apajua keadaan. Zauji mengucup dahiku. Sebak rasanya di dada. Aku rangkul tubuhnya yang nampak letih namun di dalamnya membara darah hangat semangat seorang pejuang yang bakal mengalir titisan saga seorang mujahid. Jelas di wajahnya kerisauan untuk meninggalkan diriku berseorangan di rumah. Namun ku yakini zauji bahawa aku pandai menjaga diri. Zauji mengucapkan terima kasih kepada ku kerana menyiapkan kelengkapannya pagi itu dan sarapan untuknya. 



Sama-sama zauji, berjuanglah wahai mujahid Allah. 



10.00pagi



Alhamdulillah, Semuanya telah selesai. Baju sudah siap ku cuci dan ku sidai. Aku pastikan keadaan rumahku berada dalam keadaan bersih. Walau kecil rumah yang zauji sediakan untuk kami berteduh, namun aku tidak pernah merungut. Di rumah kecil inilah kami menyemai kasih sayang. Aku redha bahawa seorang isteri solehah tidak akan mengungkit-ungkit akan pemberian yang diberikan oleh suami, apatah lagi meminta-minta sesuatu yang diluar kemampuan zauji. 

   

Selepas selesai segala kerja-kerja rumah. Aku ke bilik khas tempat di mana zauji dan aku menyimpan fail-fail jemaah dan tempat kami berbincang. Rak buku yang mengandungi buku zauji dan buku ku yang kami kumpul sejak di universiti lagi. Zauji memang minat membaca. 

   

Aku membelek-belek planner dan sesekali aku mengerling ke arah jadual yang sedia terlekat di dinding. Sepatutnya aku ada usrah tetapi terpaksa dibatalkan. Waktu yang lapang ku cuba siapkan kerja-kerja zauji. Zauji kata, kalau ada masa lapang, buatkan teks tazkirah dan ceramah utknya. Zauji selalu juga mendapat undangan ceramah dan tazkirah setiap malam isnin, zauji akan memberi kuliah maghrib di surau berdekatan rumah kami. Zauji tahu aku tidak mempunyai ilmu yang mantap sepertinya, namun zauji selalu memberikan ku keyakinan padaku yang aku boleh. Jika ada kesalahan pada teks ku, zauji akan memperbetulkan dan memberi penerangan kepadaku.



11.45 pagi



Zauji baru sahaja telefon. Katanya mesyuarat baru sahaja habis. Aku bergegas ke dapur melihat asam pedas yang ku masak tadi. Tentu zauji suka. Aku pastikan segalanya dalam keadaan sedia. Diriku bersih dan terurus, itulah tanggungjawab seorang isteri. Kedengaran bunyi motor zauji dari kejauhan. Aku buka sedikit pintu, tersenyum zauji melihatku. Gembiranya hati ini melihat zauji tersenyum. Lapang rasa hati, tenang pula dijiwa. Aku sambut kepulangannya dengan mengucup tangannya. Zauji lantas memegang tanganku, dihulurkan satu bungkusan kepadaku. Di dalamnya ada sepasang jubah berwarna merah jambu. Aku senyum kepada zauji., tanda terima kasihku.



Ya Allah, semoga zauji menjadi suami yang soleh dan ku menjadi pendampingnya yang solehah. RedhaMu adalah kemuncak segala cita-cita, moga baitul muslim ini kekal hingga akhir hayat kami, amin!



3.00petang



Petang ini seperti biasa zauji duduk bersamaku menyelesaikan tugasan jemaah. Zauji selalu berpesan kepadaku jika ada sesuatu yang perlu dibicarakan, maka luahkanlah, zauji memang tidak pernah mengabaikan perasaanku. Aku selalu meyakinkan pada zauji agar jangan risau tentang diriku. Aku takut diriku menjadi asbab akan gugurnya zauji dari perjuangan ini. Tidak ingin sekali-kali.

   

Ku dambakan hati setabah Khadijah, minda secerdik Aisyah, jiwa setenang Fatimah dan diri sehebat Sumayyah. Ingin aku hadiahkan ketabahan, kecerdikan, dan ketenangan itu kepada zauji. Moga zauji bangga memiliki zaujah seperti itu. Namun, kurasakan diriku amat kerdil dan jauh untuk ku capai maqam setinggi itu.

   

Zauji selalu meyakinkan bahawa aku zaujah yang baik, itulah doa buatku, moga doa zauji dimakbulkan Allah.



9.00malam



Malam ini zauji ada tugasan di luar. Zauji diarahkan ke Kelantan untuk menghadiri mesyuarat bersama Tuan Guru. Aku siapkan kelengkapannya. Zauji kata, urusan ini mengambil masa seminggu. Sedih juga di hati ini, tapi aku harus terima hakikat bahawa zauji bukan milikku seorang. Allah adalah punya mutlak zauji kesayanganku. Maka aku mesti redha miliki suami ahli gerakan Islam. Sebelum zauji pergi, zauji menghulurkan sampul surat kepadaku. Aku tersenyum, zauji pun tersenyum. Pastinya surat buatku. Zauji pasti akan mengarang surat untukku jika dia bertugas di luar. Zauji akan menasihatiku dan memberikan perangsang buatku. Terima kasih zauji. 

   

Zauji semakin hilang di kepakatan malam yang hening itu. Dia pergi untuk menunaikan tanggungjawabnya kepada Islam. Selamat berjuang wahai mujahid Allah. Aku sentiasa di sini menanti kepulanganmu dengan penuh ketabahan dan kesabaran. Ketahuilah zauji tercinta, tidak pernah walau sekelumit aku menyesal menjadi surimu walau selalu ditinggalkan. Malah. Aku bersyukur dan merasa amat bangga kerana diizin Allah untuk bersamamu. Biarlah dunia ini penjara buat kita, namun di akhirat sana Allah pasti akan memberikan ganjaran pada hamba yang ikhlas dan sabar

Untuk Calon Suamiku..

Biar Rindu Jangan Jemu

"Dengan Nama Allah Yang Maha Pemurah Lagi Maha Mengasihani. 

Assolatuwassalam, selawat dan Assalamu'alaikum buat junjungan mulia, Muhammad saw Kekasih Istimewa. 

Assalamu'alaikum Sejahtera buat calon suamiku, moga Allah sentiasa merahmati dan memberkati dirimu yang tidak pernah kutemui, namun doaku tidak pernah putus mengiringi setiap langkahmu demi meraih keredhaanNya

Seindah perhiasan dunia adalah wanita yang sholehah

Kumulakan warkah ini dengan bait indah yang ditinggalkan Rasulullah saw kepada seisi alam. Wanita solehah! Idaman semua muslimin di alam maya ini..Alhamdulillah, itulah anjuran Islam yang kita cintai, pilihlah wanita yang mampu menyejukkan pandanganmu dan juga baitul muslim yang bakal dibina tika sampai saat itu, insyaAllah. 

Calon zaujku, 

Dinikahi seorang wanita itu kerana empat perkara hartanya, keturunannya, kecantikannya dan agamanya. Maka pilihlah hal keagamaannya, maka beruntunglah kedua-dua tanganmu.. 

Telah dinukilkan panduan sepanjang zaman, itulah lirikan utama buatmu memilih calon isteri. Tiap baris itu telah menjadi hafalanku sejak aku mengenali dunia baligh ini. 

Jika harta yang kau idamkan, ketahuilah diriku tidak punya apa-apa harta di dunia ini melainkan ilmu agama yang telah dititipkan buatku oleh arwah umi dan arwah abah. Tiada harta untuk kupersembahkan dalam taklik ijab kita nanti. Tiada harta sebagai jaminan bahawa kau akan menikmati sedikit kesenangan apabila ijab bersaksi telah dilafazkan. Hanya ketenangan yang mampu aku sediakan buatmu kerana aku pernah terbaca kata-kata ... 

"Dan di antara tanda-tanda kekuasaan Nya ialah Dia menciptakan untukmu isteri-isteri dari jenismu sendiri, supaya kamu cenderung dan merasa tenteram kepadanya, dan dijadikannya di antaramu rasa kasih dan sayang. (Rum: 21) 

Jika keturunan yang mulia itu yang kau dambakan, ketahuilah jua aku hanyalah sebatang kara di dunia ini. Arwah umi dan abah telah menitipkan aku di bawah pengawasan Allah sebagai penjaga mutlak diriku. Namun apa yang pasti. Aku adalah keturunan mulia, ayahanda Nabi Adam as dan bonda Hawa as, sama seperti mu. Ingin aku berkongsi lafaz sahih ini denganmu ... 

"... maka bertawakkallah kepada Allah, sesungguhnya Allah mengasihi orang yang bertawakal kepadaNya. Jika Allah menolong kamu maka, tiada seseorangpun yang boleh menghalang kamu, dan jika ia mengecewakan kamu, maka siapakah yang dapat menolong kamu sesudah Allah (menetapkan demikian) ? dan ingatlah kepada Allah jualah hendaknya orang yang beriman itu berserah diri..." (Ali Imran : 159-160) 

Kecantikan, itulah pandangan pertama setiap insan. Malah aku meyakini bahawa kau juga tidak terlepas seperti insan yang lain. Ketahuilah, jika kecantikan itu yang kau inginkan daripada diriku, kau telah tersalah langkah. Tiada kecantikan yang tidak terbanding untuk kupertontonkan padamu. Telah aku hijabkan kecantikan diriku ini dengan amalan ketaatan kepada tuntutan agama yang kucintai. Kau hanya membuang masa jika kau menginginkan kecantikan lahiriah semata-mata. 

aku tidak menjanjikan aku mampu membahagiakan rumahtangga kita nanti, kerana aku memerlukan engkau untuk bersama-samaku menegakkan dakwah islamiyyah ini, dan aku merelakan diri ini menjadi penolongmu untuk membangunkan sebuah markas dakwah dan tarbiyyah ke arah jihad hambaNya kepada Penciptanya yang agung. Melalui pencarian ilmu agama bersama, marilah kita jadikan pernikahan ini sebagai risalah demi meneruskan perjuangan Islam. Aku masih kekuranin ilmu agama, tetapi berbekalkan ilmu agama yang telah dibekalkan ini. Aku ingin menjadi isteri yang sentiasa mendapat keredhaan Allah dan suamiku untuk memudahkan aku membentuk usrah muslim antara aku, kau dan anak-anak kita untuk dibaiahkan dengan ketaatan kepada Allah Yang Maha Esa. Aku bercita-cita bergelar pendamping solehah, seperti mana yang dijanjikan Rasul, 

" Semoga Allah memberi rahmat kurnia kepada lelaki yang bangun di tengah malam lalu dia sembahyang dan membangunkan isterinya, maka sekiranya enggan juga bangun untuk bersembahyang, dia merenjiskan air ke mukanya. Semuga Allah memberi rahmat kurnia kepada wanita yang bangun di tengah malam lalu bersembahyang dan membangunkan suaminya. Maka jika dia enggan, dia merenjiskan air kemukanya." (Riwayat Abu Daud dengan Isnad yang sahih)

 

Renungilah FirmanNya ini, lalu kau akan tahu hakikat diriku dan dirimu dipertemukan oleh Allah atas namanya pertemuan dan jodoh. 

Hai sekalian manusia, bertakwalah kepada Tuhanmu yang telah menciptakan kamu dari diri yang satu, dan daripadanya Allah menciptakan isterinya; dan daripada keduanya Allah memperkembangbiakkan lelaki dan perempuan yang banyak. Dan bertakwalah kepada Allah yang dengan (mempergunakan) namaNya kamu saling meminta satu sama lain, dan (peliharalah) hubungan silaturrahim. Sesungguhnya Allah selalu menjaga dan mengawasi kamu. (An Nisaa : 1) 

Calon Suamiku yang dirahmati, 

" Kaum lelaki itu adalah pemimpin bagi kaum wanita, oleh kerana Allah telah melebihkan sebahagian mereka (lelaki) atas sebahagian yang lain (wanita), dan kerana mereka (lelaki) telah menafkahkan sebahagian 
dari harta mereka".(An-Nissa':34) 

Membenarkan seperti apa yang telah Dia katakan dalam QalamNya yang mulia. Aku meyakini bahawa engkau adalah pemimpin untukku dan anak-anak pewaris kejihadan Islam yang bakal lahir. Jadikanlah pernikahan ini sebagai asas pembangunan iman dan bukannya untuk memuaskan bisikan syaitan yang menjadikan ikatan pernikahan sebagai tunjang nafsu semata-mata. Moga diriku dan dirimu sentiasa didampingi kerahmatan dan keredhaanNya. Lakukanlah tanggungjawabmu itu dengan syura kesabaran, qanaah ketabahan moga kita akan menjadi salah satu daripada jemaah saf menuju ke syurga insyaAllah. 

Ingin aku berbicara mengenai pemberianmu kepadaku. Kau terlalu membimbangkan akan kehendak bersifat duniawi semata-mata. Benar?!  Ketahuilah. Aku tidak menginginkan hantaran bersusun, mas khawin yang hanya akan menyebabkan hatiku buta dalam menilai erti kita dipertemukan oleh Allah atas dasar agama. Cukuplah seandainya, maharku sebuah Qalam Mulia, Al-Quran, kerana aku meyakini Qalam itu mampu memimpin rumahtangga kita dalam meraih keredhaanNya bukan kekayaan dunia yang bersifat sementara. Bantulah aku dalam menjayakan agama Allah ini melalui pernikahan, kerana ia adalah laluan untuk aku menyempurnakan separuh daripada agamaku, insyaAllah. Akhlakmu yang terdidik indah oleh ibu bapa dan orang sekelilingmu, itulah yang aku harapkan daripada kekayaan duniawi yang kau sediakan. Kutitipkan sebahagian daripada pembacaanku dalam Jalan Dakwah Mustaffa Masyhur, tidak lagi wujud keborosan dan kebakhilan kerana semuanya berada di dalam udara Qana'ah (berpuas hati dengan apa yang ada), redha dan yakin bahawa dunia ini bukanlah negara Janatunna'im. Lihatlah rumahtangga Rasulullah s.a.w kadang-kadang berlalu sebulan demi sebulan, pernah dapurnya tidak berasap kerana tidak ada bahan makanan yang dapat dimasak. Walaupun demikian susahnya, rumahtangga Rasulullah s.a.w tetap menjadi rumahtangga yang paling bahagia yang tidak ada tolok bandingnya hingga ke hari ini. 

Terlalu panjang rasanya aku mencoretkan warkah ini. Cukup dahulu buat tika ini, andai diizinkan aku akan kembali menitipkankan lagi kiriman bertintakan hati ini. Akhir bicara, maaf andai tiada pertemuan yang kususuli kerana padaku biarlah merindu daripada jemu tatkala kita disatukan. 
Wassalam 

.::. Ya Allah, gembirakan kami dengan redhaMu .::. 

~tulang rusuk kirimu~ 

pertemuan... 
menghadiahkan kita kasih sayang... 
jika cinta satu pasti bertemu... 
ia tidak ternilai... 
kerana antara hati kita 
telah tiada antaranya lagi 
yang ada hanyalah cinta kasih Ilahi... 
kita berpisah hanya sementara 
kerna pertemuan bukan milik kita... 
jasad dan suara berjauhan sentiasa 
namun cinta abadi... 
biar berpisah selalu menderita 
kerana syurga menagih ujian 
sedang neraka dipagari oleh nikmat 
bertemu tidak jemu...berpisah tak gelisah...

Dakwah bukan untuk orang yang manja!

Tarbiyyah bukan untuk orang yang malas.

Dakwah bukan untuk orang yang takut nak bergerak dan mencabar diri.

Tarbiyyah bukan untuk orang yang cepat bosan, lari, lompat-lompat, sekejap down-sekejap up, cepat terasa.

Tarbiyyah bukan bagi orang yang memilih program untuk dia ikuti yang senang dan mudah join, yang penat, bersusah payah elak.

Bukan untuk orang yang mencari tarbiyyah hanya bila terasa diuji oleh tuhan. Kalau tak, batang hidung pun tak nampak.

Bukan bagi yang meletakkan dakwah hanya untuk mencari calon akhawat atau ikhwah sebagai sang isteri dan suami,

Yang join hanya untuk meminta tolong teman-teman pencerahan bila dia dalam kesusahan.
Tapi kesenangan dan kelebihan yang dia dapat, tak share pun dengan orang lain.

 Yang cepat mengalah,

Yang meletakkan mabit, qiamullail, daurah, dan tathqif dalam diari hanya selepas ditolak dengan semua agenda dan upacara-upacara 'penting' yang lain.

Yang hanya pandai cakap (dan menulis), tapi amal kosong

Yang hanya tahu compare jamaah itu dengan jamaah ini, yang boleh mengkritik dan menilai harakah ini dan itu.

Dakwah bukan untuk orang yang ikut liqa hanya kerana nak disebut sebagai ahli dalam harakah ini dan itu, jamaah ini dan itu.

Dakwah bukan untuk orang yang tak boleh diberi tugasan last minute.

Dakwah bukanlah untuk orang yang tak nak keluarkan duit, infaq di jalan Allah.

Dakwah bukan untuk orang yang tak boleh sesekali tidur lewat, terpaksa berjalan jauh.

Dakwah bukan bagi orang yang kalau ada program untuk ikut terlibat, mesti naik motokar besar dan mewah, yang air-cond dan laju. Yang tak nak naik bas, public transport, dan yang kena berpeluh-peluh.

Tarbiyah bukan untuk orang yang kena contact dan info dia setiap masa tentang perkembangan terkini sedangkan dia kena macam boss, hanya tunggu information.

Pencerahan bukan bagi mereka yang hanya nak berkawan dengan orang berduit dan berharta, yang hidup mewah, dan mengelak berkawan dengan orang susah, miskin, dan pakai comot.


Dakwah bukanlah untuk orang yang setiap masa dan ketika, kerja nak beri alasan ini dan itu. Penat, mengantuk, susah, banyak kerja, keluarga tak bagi keluar.


Tarbiyyah bukanlah segala-galanya. Tapi segala-galanya bermula dengan tarbiyyah.
Tanpa anda, orang yang sering beralasan ini, dakwah akan terus berjalan. Islam akan tetap berjaya. Ummah akan tetap terpelihara.


Cuma tanpa pencerahan,
Tanpa tarbiyyah,
Tanpa dakwah
Belum tentu kita akan berjaya di mahsyar nanti.

 
Tak mengapa. Teruskan hidup anda seperti biasa. Dakwah tak memerlukan anda. Tiada siapa pun yang rugi tanpa kehadiran anda.
Berbahagialah seadanya.

Saya menghitung diri.
Terlalu kerap menuturkan.
saya busy..saya sibuk..saya penat..saya letih..
Adakah ini petandanya saya terlalu manja?
Ya Allah, tabahkan hamba-Mu.
amanah ini bukan hak milik, tp anugerah dr Nya

 copied from aannajah.blogdrive.com

Zaujah of Muhammad al-A'thiq Marzuki

Initially I planned to give this blog to my husband, Muhammad al-A'thiq Marzuki since I already had another blog- Have A Cup of Cappuccino. However now I am thinking of sharing this blog with him, since Zauji hated the other blog so much that he wanted to delete it. While writing this, the blog still exists. 

3 weeks and 6 days until our wedding

I start to make internal preparation to be a wife. Today marks the day when I aggresively read on tips to be an isteri solehah. It is not easy, yup it is definitely far from easy...

Born in a small family of 5 siblings + ummi + abah, and being the second child out of 5, with 1 mature sister and 2 mature younger bros below me, having a very patient and tough elder sister and a passive lovely housewife as my mummy, a very great dad and recently i received a sporting elder brother (kakak got married), I think I am a spoilt kid. Yup, very spoilt. I am used to getting what I want easily, and pampered and I am not used to be shouted at (except when I was small and abah was very garang back then to make sure we grew up right) neither roughly handled, I am definitely spoilt. I cry very easily and over the smallest thing when others don't think it is a valid reason to cry. I had a very easy life Alhamdulillah, being an average student since i started primary school until i got admitted to a medical school. 

I got engaged at the old age of 21 (because my childhood dream was to get married at the age of 18), learning about A'thiq. InsyaAllah will be his wife at the age of 23. Engagement wasn't an easy period for me or for A'thiq. Simply because I am such a spoilt kid.. It's hard for him to scold me for my wrongdoings, because I would remember it forever, and of course I would cry. Even though we are not yet married, I consider that I already have two families. My family and his family. If previously I whined to Ummi and my sibs, now I extend my whining to his sister huhu. Bila merajuk mengadu kat family member dia haha. Am I plotting a strategy to expel him or what?? I'm trying to conquer everything perhaps :p That's the worst problem~ I'm very good at acting cunning

Ego, Keras kepala, Akhlaq buruk~ name it, I have being labelled by him. Only now I realize that I don't have the slightest criteria to be classified as isteri solehah. I am extra manja, I am always pampered, I am bossy, I don't help him in lessening his burden. I take his presence lightly and emphasize more on my medical training and building my career. I want to always feel appreciated, but I guess I very seldom make him feel appreciated.. 

A'thiq I am truly sorry for that..

But today, I have decided since I am going to be a wife, and since I am going to be a mummy, I have to be as mature as ummi. i shouldn't act childish further. Along my journey towards being an isteri solehah, I will jot here every now and then my experience, my tears, my joy. How I hope I will be THE ONLY and THE BEST ZAUJAH for Muhammad al-A'thiq Marzuki...

Ameen.

May this be my last post

Bismillahirrahmaanirrahim..

My dear readers, 

Allow me to begin writing this last post with an apology. Sorry for any inappropriate words, issues, or articles which may have delivered uneasiness or anger into your pure heart. Sorry for any wrongwritings which may have left ugly scars (or even keloid) in your soul. Sorry for any comment reply which you think only created hatred. Sorry for laying out such personal stories which had mercilessly thrown away your time into a waste. Sorry for the negativism that had been stuffed continuously thus creating a nauseating ambience in this page. Basically, i am sorry for everything.

Once you are a blogger, you always are. That is what I always believe. I have been blogging for years (this is not my first blog by the way). My first was a friendster blog, but even the friendster account doesn't even exist anymore. Currently I am using my second friendster account. I guess I have the tendency to create and delete accounts huhuu. They are all free!. I can't remember how many blogs I have created so far. To delete this blog is undeniably not an easy decision to be made. I cried over it the whole weekend. Probably I'll just make it a private one~ Why do I have to?? I don't know (of course I know perfectly the reason behind it huhu)

At last, I succumb to the wifey disease~ it's terminal, and it's malignant. marriage is approaching and yet I don't even know what will happen. Semua takdir Allah kan? Manalah tahu ajalku yang tiba dulu ke.. ajal my fiance tiba dulu ke.. jodoh tu Allah yg dah atur right? And I can't say dialah jodohku until we become husband and wife by syariat definition. But despite all  that, preparations have to be made. Material preparation is of course not as important as knowledge and practise. Currently freaked out about the isteri solehah thing (which I am sure I clearly fail). I have to burn the midnight oil and study extra hard to at least get a pass to be a 'bolehla' wife (not even an 'ok' wife, then don't dream of being a 'superb' wife) sigh sigh and sigh~

Next in the to-be-deleted list are

1. facebook

2. friendster

but hey Me is still Me. I haven't changed a bit :) And to the sisters, I will always be available for you!

Do do and do pray for me, for my marriage, for me to be an isteri solehah and anak solehah, for me to be a good muslimah and mujahidah, for me to be a succesful Doctor, for me to be calon penghuni syurga. With that, thank you and Assalamualaikum :)

p/s perhaps when i become a wife, i'll try to persuade my husband into blog writing.. and perhaps (just perhaps) once in a while I could tumpang sekaki? hehe. just perhaps..

This is even scarier!!!

Waaaaaa~ this is even scarier!!!

Berikut adalah tips yang telah disarankan oleh pakar motivasi kita yang terkemuka iaitu Datuk Dr Fadilah Kamsah, yang dipetik dari majalah jelita. InsyaALLAH tips-tips yang disarankan ini dapat memulihkan hubungan suami isteri. Tips ini khas buat si isteri . . .

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1. Apabila berbual becakap atau berbincang, gunakan hubungan mata, gerak hati, pegang tangan erat-erat, duduk rapat-rapat, baring bersama dan bernafas serentak, ajak atau biarkan pasangan anda berbaring di atas ribaan.

2. Cuba nasak yang paling sedap unutk suami setiap masa. Usah paksa suami komen apabila dia hanya berdiam diri.

3. Temankan pasangan apabila melakukakn kerje bersendirian pada waktu malam.

4. Letakkan barang-barang keperluan suami di tempat lazim agar mudah dia mendapatkannya.

5. Tolong bawa barang walaupun suami kita mampu membawa semua.

6. Bacakan berita yang menarik perhatian pasangan atau buat keratan berita yang disukainya daripada akhbar atau majalah.

7. Megemas tempat tidur umpama baru kahwin.

8. Ceritakan karenah anak yang membuatkan anda gembira atau geli hati kepada pasangan.

9. Usah dera pasangan secara fizikal atau batin .

10. Tunjukkan minat mengenai perkara yang dilakukan pasangan, kerje yang dibuat dan orang yang ditemui.

11. Apabila pasangan kurang sihat, beri perhatian sewajarnya. Manjakan pasangan seperti kita memanjakan anak.

12. Beri tindak balas positif apabila mendegar pasangan bercerita.

13. Masuk tidur bersama-sama dengan pasangan. Jika kita ingin tidur dahulu, minta kebenaran daripada pasangan.

14. Salam/peluk/cium dan belai pasangan sebelum bertugas.

15. Cuba ketawa apabila pasangan buat lawak atau bercerita sesuatu yang melucukan.

16. Ucapkan terima kasih atas setiap khidmat pasangan.

17. Cari masa untuk berdua-duaan sekali sekala.

18. Berkelah bersama pasangan.

19. Doakan pasangan supaya bahagia di dunia dan akhirat (tanpa pegetahuannya).

20. Pelawa pasangan berjalan-jalan tanpa anak.

21. Cuba berikan apa-apa yang pasangan hajati.

22. Nyatakan yang ada merinduinya bila berjauhan.

23. Sesekali buat kuih kegemaran suami.

24. Beribadah atau menyertai kegiatan di gimnasium bersama-sama.

25. Usah menghukum pasangan jika dia mengecewakan anda tanpa sengaja.

26. Maafkan pasangan jika dia terlupa buat sesuatu untuk anda.

27. Minta maaf dengan segera jika melukakan hati hatinya.

28. Cuba fahami pasangan jika dia membangkang atau enggang membantu.

29. Apabila suami minta maaf, terima dengan kasih sayang. Usah jual mahal sangat. Ingat, kebanyakan suami berasa sukar untuk meminta maaf daripada isteri.

30. Pamerkan keseronokan apabila berhubungan intim.

31. Tunjukkan simpati dan bantu pasangan mencari barang yang hilang atau tersalah letak.

32. Nyatakan dengan hikmah kepada suami jika anda tidak mengemari pilihannya seperti pakaian, tempat makan, lauk-pauk dan destinasi percutian.

33. Berkongsi perasaan negatif dengan pasangan secara terbuka tanpa menyalahkannya.

34. Jangan mengesa suami melakukan sesuatu yang sememangnya ingin dilakukan kerana ini boleh menyebabkan suami tawar hati.

35. Elak memberi penjelasan dengan panjang lebar. Suami sering melenting apabila isteri “bersyarah” panjang lebar kerana ini menunjukkan seolah-olah isteri tidak percaya pada suami.

36. Elak menjadikan suami berasa tidak mampu, tidak layak dan tidak berkebolehan.

37. Ramai suami seronok dan selesa sekadar duduk bersama isteri. Justeru, isteri perlu sanggup berbual dan bercerita tanpa banyak tindak balas daripada suami.

38. Jangan cabar pasangan

39. Apabila berselisih faham atau bertengkar, fokus pasa masalah yang sedang dibahaskan dan usah ungkit perkara lalu.

40. Beri dan perbaharui kepercayaan kepada pasangan sepenuhnya setiap masa. Jangan suka mengenang rekod lama dan usah melabel pasangan berdasarkan rekod itu.

41. Jangan ingkar mengenai perkara yang telahpun dipersetujui. Pasangan akan berkecil hati jika anda menyatakan persetujuan tetapi tidak bertindak seperti dipersetujui bersama.

42. Isteri mempunyai kelebihan dalam memahami suami. Justeru, jadilah si Kembang Cina. Fahami hakikat bahawa kebanyakan suami mengalami kesukaran memahami isteri.

43. Ramai suami berasa janggal dan malu menyatakan sayang pada isteri. Justeri isteri perlu membaca perlakuan suami yang menunjukkan kasih sayangnya. Usah paksa suami meluahkan perasaan. Sesungguhnya, “action speaks louder than words”.

44. Cemburu tanda sayang tetapi jangan keterlaluan kerana boleh menyebabkan pasangan anda menjadi rimas dan serba salah.

45. Untuk merangsangkan suami pamerkan kasih sayang dan puji selalu.

46. Elak menasihat suami jika tidak diminta. Isteri meminta nasihat unutk bermanja tetapi bagi suami itu satu kelemahan.

47. Apabila pasangan berkata atau berbuat sesuatu yang menyakiti hati, adalah lebih baik untuk mencari kepastian daripadanya. Usah membuat tanggapan sendiri yang mungkin tersilap.

48. Selepas berusah bersungguh-sungguh, berdoa dan bertawakal kepada ALLAH SWT semogo hidup kita bahagia di dunia dah akhirat, amin . . .

Isteri Solehah?

I know for sure why I keep writing today, because i feel so not at ease. Everything is just not right. And i keep searching on 'isteri solehah'. ~sigh~ I thought I would feel better, but then i feel worse ~sigh again~ Seems like to be an isteri solehah is next to impossible.... :(

So I just copy some of the things that I have found, hoping that I can read it again and again and again.. and finally practise it... ~sigh for the third time~

Mari hayati pesanan isteri ‘Auf bin Muhlim Ashaibani kepada puterinya ketika hendak bernikah dengan al Haris bin Amr, raja negeri Kandah. Sewaktu utusan diraja hendak membawa pengantin untuk disampaikan kepada raja, ibunya berwasiat kepada anak perempuannya:

“Wahai anakku! Kalaulah wasiat ini untuk kesempurnaan adabmu, aku percaya kau telah mewarisi segala-galanya, tetapi ia sebagai peringatan untuk yang lalai dan pedoman kepada yang berakal.

Andai kata wanita tidak memerlukan suami kerana berasa cukup dengan kedua ibu bapanya, tentu ibumu adalah orang yang paling berasa cukup tanpa suami. Tetapi wanita diciptakan untuk lelaki dan lelaki diciptakan untuk mereka.

Wahai puteriku, Sesungguhnya engkau akan meninggalkan rumah tempat kamu dilahirkan dan kehidupan yang telah membesarkanmu untuk berpindah kepada seorang lelaki yang belum kamu kenal dan teman hidup yang baru. Kerana itu, jadilah 'budak' wanita baginya, tentu dia juga akan menjadi 'budak' bagimu serta menjadi pendampingmu yang setia.

Peliharalah sepuluh sifat ini terhadapnya, tentu ia akan menjadi perbendaharaan yang baik untukmu.

Pertama dan kedua, berkhidmat dengan rasa puas serta taat dengan baik kepadanya.

Ketiga dan keempat, memerhatikan tempat pandangan matanya dan bau yang diciumnya. Jangan sampai matanya memandang yang buruk daripadamu dan jangan sampai dia mencium kecuali yang harum daripadamu.

Kelima dan keenam, memerhatikan waktu tidur dan waktu makannya, kerana lapar yang berlarutan dan tidur yang terganggu dapat menimbulkan rasa marah.

Ketujuh dan kelapan, menjaga hartanya dan memelihara kehormatan serta keluarganya. Perkara pokok dalam masalah harta adalah membuat anggaran dan perkara pokok dalam keluarga adalah pengurusan yang baik.

Kesembilan dan kesepuluh, jangan membangkang perintahnya dan jangan membuka rahsianya. Apabila kamu tidak mentaati perintahnya, bererti kamu melukai hatinya. Apabila kamu membuka rahsianya kamu tidak akan aman daripada pengkhianatannya.

Kemudian janganlah kamu bergembira di hadapannya ketika dia bersedih atau bersedih di hadapannya ketika dia bergembira. Jadilah kamu orang yang sangat menghormatinya, tentu dia akan sangat memuliakanmu.

Jadilah kamu orang yang selalu sepakat dengannya, tentu dia akan sangat belas kasihan dan sayang kepadamu.

Ketahuilah, sesungguhnya kamu tidak akan dapat apa yang kamu inginkan sehingga kamu mendahulukan keredaannya daripada keredaanmu, dan mendahulukan kesenangannya daripada kesenanganmu, baik dalam hal yang kamu sukai atau yang kamu benci dan Allah akan memberkatimu.”

Nasihat di atas seharusnya diterima dengan beberapa asas penting:

l Suami yang dicari adalah suami yang beriman lagi taat kepada perintah Allah.

l Ketaatan kepada suami adalah wajib dengan syarat beliau tidak melakukan perkara yang bertentangan dengan syariat Allah.

l Begitulah hukum Allah, di sana sentiasa ada ‘dua bahagian muka syiling’. Kalau diperhati setiap nasihat di atas, perbuatan kita yang positif akan menghasilkan reaksi dan tindak balas positif juga dengan izin Allah.

Pray and be patient

this morning i went to the ward just to keep myself busy, while holding my breath hoping that the dark memory from yesterday would be washed away. Spent few minutes with 2 patients (including melayan sorang kakak who was very anxious that her baby was still in breech presentation~huu was only 32 weeks in pregnancy pun) then bergayut pulak dgn Ummi at the ward corridor then straightaway went to ECM. (ait apekah gunanya pergi ward only to spend my time bergayut dgn Ummi?? hehe). Talking to Ummi gave me such a huge relief. Ummi told me to pray to Allah, pray, pray and pray.. kat siapa lagi nak berharap di dunia ni???? Yeah it's true. Ummi told me to be patient. Life is a test, but i keep forgetting that fact...! Life is just for a while, but the hereafter is for eternity.. So what am I desperately searching for in this non-permanent, temporary, short period in between my birth and death?..... Worldly satisfaction perhaps.. Astaghfirullah

Shika Jr needed a good bath (euwww) plus I needed time to be alone plus my tummy craved for Pizza (Boycotting Issue noted!). I guess once in a while i need good food. Didn't intend to buy anything anyway (currently on tight budget!!). After half an hour of a good quiet walk passing by all the shops residing in the ECM, and entering the unluckiest few (because I wasn't even in the mood to do window shopping, let alone willingly empty my purse in exchange for goodies. I just needed a lonely walk), suddenly the mall became so noisy with some kind of show- some cheerleading or aerobic dance if I'm not mistaken. It was irritating (the show and the loud music of course, the tight outfits, the mingling between boys and girls), so I hastily grabbed my pizza and went out, heading for Maybank. (Aiyaa I have to accomplish so many things even on saturday)

Yesterday I went to Klinik Kesihatan (Governement Clinic) to do HIV test, which I have procrastinated for few months, met with a pakcik, bringing his form 4 daughter, seeking for treatment. i had just entered the clinic, when my eardrum suddenly captured a high-pitch cruel voice of a nurse, obviously she was mad at something. Pak cik tu mengadu macam tu lah klinik kerajaan.. I just nodded in agreement. I don't even have the gut to go to a governement clinic if not for the HIV test which is mandatory to be done in a Klinik Kesihatan. Well that is life. The treatment is not free anyway. You pay with your dignity.

Today a friend told me how sad she felt because she didn't manage to do CP. Again that is life. You chase the doctors around, pretending that you don't even realize that the word 'dignity' exists. In the end you get rejected but you still turn away, smiling, though your heart bleeds to hypovolemic shock!

As for me, i write on so many pessimism lately, all because of yesterday's incidence. I think I have the sila-kemukakan-aduan-anda-disini appearance thus the numerous aduan I have received despite my whereabout.. but it's good you know, at least I know Allah tests me very lightly, and all I have to do is to pray and be patient :)

Ummi and Michael Jackson

Once Ummi told me she liked the song by Michael Jackson entitled "One Day In Your Life". It was Michael Jackson in his younger years, and his voice was still so youngish. An old song, probably it was very famous in Ummi's time. So as usual she asked Yasir to search for that song and download into her phone. Currently (for quite some time) she uses the song as her ringtone.

I was curious why does she like that song so much- and of course I searched for the lyric. I listen to songs depending on the lyrics. Some songs are good to boost your motivation, some are beneficial in making you feel insaf etc. But of course if it is useless, it IS useless. Don't torture your eardrums and cochlea unnecessarily.

When I inspected the lyric for the first time, I cruelly told her "I hate this song!". Why? Because the lyric is picturing someone who has been left behind and yet that person is very forgiving- ever ready to accept back the person who has left her, should 1 day he/she realizes her mistake. Ummi just smiled. I guess she is such a forgiving person.. Mothers always are!!!

This blog is so useless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't bother to read

It is now 16:55, I have just arrived in the hostel and haven't even performed my 'asr prayer.. That is the best medicine I need right now, and I mean it, I really need it... Few hundred minutes ago I thought I was so strong in braving the world, but now I'm crumbling to the tiniest ragged pieces right in the middle of everything that is fast forwarding.. I have never realized before (though I have anticipated earlier) that in this wide world, people who hate me soooo much do exist. I guess my mere existence is a subject to be despised of. Really I'm worn to tatters with those slicing words.

The idea of being 'punched' directly in my haggard face is not an alien anymore~ I've experienced it bitter and shocking. It makes me wonder, have I failed in strictly following the course outline on how to be a good muslimah???.........................

If I ask for a person's favour but that person refuse, then I won't go around accusing and getting mad. It's her option, It's her right. As far as I can remember, I have never even once in my 23 years of life, tell a people that her akhlaq is very buruk. Who am I to judge? As if my akhlaq is extremely perfect... I learn to accept people as they are, because I am perfectly aware that I am just another human being trying to share with others, the good points in life. But after all these, my soul has just been bashed to an irreversible death.

Really I am tired physically and psychologically hence the extra-useless article. Let me emphasize for i hope the last time, this blog is so useless! I have never asked anybody to read it by the way, and if anybody hate this blog as much as you hate me, don't bother to type the url ummuameer.blogspot.com~ This blog is not an ilmiah one truthfully, it was created merely to mark my insignificant existence in this world. Please.. let me share at least a tiny piece of the global digital world which I can call a 'home'.  

I'm losing bit by bit of my own personality~ Ohh it's dissolving and disappearing.. Awful-

I need to escape. Is there any hideout where I can seek refuge? I am in desperate need to be alone...

27th May 2007 Obstetric Analgesia- My group's seminar!

Allow me to begin by saying THANK YOU SO MUCH esp to my seminar mates- Hana, Izzati, Wani, Farhah (Paah), and of course to Prof Ariff and the staff nurse and kakak2 MLT (hehe tak ingat nama la). 

It was indeed an experience, for me, worth to be remembered forever :) And it was really nice working with you guys!! Walaupun everything pun last minute hehe~ isn't that very normal for a medical student? (huuuu)

Monitoring Station: Paah ngan Jetul kat Station Paah. Eleh jetul tu saje je sibuk2 dekat2 ngan paah hehe

Patient-Controlled Analgesia: I guess Hana is happy being the key-holder of that machine hehe

Epidural Analgesia Station: Izzati was the one manning the station. Tersenyum gembira dia hehe

Spinal Analgesia Station: Wani is busy with the spinal procedure

Resuscitation Station: My station but obviously it was not me in the pic. Err mimi I think

The activities are going on

I forgot one important pic!! Of Prof Ariff and Nurses huuu. They helped us a lot during the preparation period. All in all I was happy with the mini exhibition, Alhamdulillah :) Though I think after the second group my vocal cord screamed for some justice -haisyy-

A medical student searching for tiny bit of strength

Currently treating my wounded feeling in the freezing IIUM Library, hoping the sophisticated serenity would wash away the bitter memory in the labour room this morning. For the second time, i cried again in the territory of mothers-to-be, trying to create a world record perhaps and grab the title of 'the crying medical student' huu. This time it was no joke. For the third time, my patient was taken away from me.. 

I was the one who clerked the patient when she was admitted to the labour ward yesterday morning. And I was the one who accompanied Dato' checking on the patient and performing the vaginal examination early this morning. I was among the first to know that her cervical os was 5 cm when the nurses emphasized it was only 2cm. (as usual Dato' double checked the VE finding). I was the one who helped the nurse to change the patient into hospital gown. And yet, when I went out of the room just for a while, a student nurse claimed that the patient was hers.. Not even the tiniest anger tried to reside in my heart, instead i went to the prayer room, dialled Ummi's number and cried my heart out. Sedih sangat sangat sangat sangat...

Of course I knew better than to start an argument with her.. the nursing students were staff nurses who further their studies and specialize in midwifery.. I knew better than to argue with those who have more extensive experience and knowledge than me. I knew better than to argue with those who are older than me.. some of them are younger than Ummi only by few years.. and yet I still feel sad.

I just leave the labour room, worried that I might cry uncontrollably if I were to stay a bit longer, had breakfast with Mimi and straightaway headed for IIUM common room. Performed sunat dhuha to ease whatever tangled feelings invading my heart, sleep on the sejadah still clad in my telekung until a friend came in.

She told me how depressed she was, as not even a case presentation was done by her. She had tried her best chasing after the doctors just to present the cases that she had clerked, and yet until last night all her effort was fruitless. She was even rejected with reasons that are concluded as "I am busy". I have never seen a doctor who is not busy by the way. And that was when I realized she has been tested far heavier than me. At least I managed to do some case presentations before, and I had the chance to repair episiotomies before, I have only 1 more delivery to be conducted, I had the chance to observe twin delivery including siamese twin, I had the opportunity to witness anencephalic baby, breech and intrauterine death delivery, I was bestowed with so many bounties from Allah and yet here I am at the edge of giving up.

That little talk gave me enough to move on. And my seminar tomorrow? I promise that I'll try to give my best shot! insyaAllah :) I am hoping it would be a little bit different and special and something worth to be remembered forever :) Will try to upload pics on the event tomorrow!

As for now I am not planning to march into the labour room yet, not until I am well equipped with valour once again, tonight perhaps?.. Novak's gynae is anxiously waiting for me to flip through the pages and be specific, I am contented with Trophoblastic disease for the time being :D

Maybe I should just move on?....

We miss you..

The actual truth I think...

One can easily read 1000-pages novel x 4 (4 novels in a series for example the Twilight saga), non-stop until she/he has reached the very last fullstop of the last sentence of the last chapter of the last book, then only the person realizes he/she has to sadly internalize the bitter truth that the story has ended.. 

But..

One has to drag the heavy heart, torture the reluctant mind, and strain the refusing eyes just to read a 50-words paragraph on facts! Wondering along the way as when will the end finally emerges.. (please don't exclude the author)

So..

It justifies my super short factual articles and extra lengthy stories :p 

Viewing contraception via Islam's eyes..

Sheikh M. S. Al-Munajjid, a prominent Saudi Islamic lecturer and author, adds: 

"The answer to question of contraception is found in the following three points: 

1. Giving birth is the right of both husband and wife, and neither one of them has the right to deprive the other from doing so. 

2. It is prohibited to take any measure, which would permanently prevent pregnancy, or cause infertility. It is permissible, however, to use temporary birth control methods to delay pregnancy, as in the case of delaying pregnancy for the two years of breastfeeding the first child. 

3. It is prohibited to use any birth control method which would harm the body, as the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: 'Do not (impose) harm, nor (inflect) harm.'"

[Quoted, with slight modification, from: Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com)]

For full article, please read here

CALRIFICATION is URGENTLY NEEDED HERE :P

hoho, this is going to be a short entry to clarify things which i have written previously- BTL (ikat saluran peranakan). Undoubtedly, my response to a response from a friend who understood the whole story with a deviatory orientation (hehe, sorry ah-long dude).

Currently doing O&G (Sakit Puan & Perbidanan), we medical students are required to conduct delivery (jadi bidan sambut orang beranak :> ) for 10 births each. Everytime each student succeeded in conducting a delivery, they may ask the nurse to sign his/her logbook as a proof. It is the continuous assesment system. To put it in a simple way, if one is very hardworking in completing the logbook, then they would have higher chance to pass the posting, InsyaAllah :)

So instead of saying "I have conducted 3 deliveries", we students prefer to say, "I already have 3 kids". And instead of saying "I want to stop conducting deliveries because I have finished conducting 10 deliveries", we students prefer to say "I want to do BTL. Nak ikat je, tak nak beranak lagi" huu. But in 5th year, we have to conduct deliveries again, so that explains why we want to do BTL (if there is any chance in unligating the tube and conduct again in 5th year?? that explains why hysterectomy (buang rahim) is soo contraindicated in our case haha) So my previous article on BTL wasn't referring to BTL on myself but rather on my delivery conduction activity huuuuuu

Macamana org bleh ingat I wrote on the real BTL for myself? I do wonder... (it's kinda funny, and I laughed excessively when ah-long dude asked me about it) Huuu. Let me clarify, I am single (engaged of course), I am not married yet, I haven't planned anything on this married-life-discussion-regarding-kids, and yet planning on having BTL?? Huuuuuuuuuuu..............

By the way, 1 more kid and I'll be taking OCP until i meet O&G again in 5th year :p

Bersyukur, bersabar, berIMAN??

I did one of the most humiliating thing today, i cried in the low-risk labour room haha. come to think of it, i definitely feel it was real funny!! i guess i was so tired doing on-call since last night, and then something happened this evening, i just couldn't stop myself from shedding few drops of tears huu.

It was nothing big. I wanted to conduct a delivery, suddenly the patient had delivered before i even had the chance to prepare. I cried because i felt so tired, and yet i didn't manage to conduct the delivery plus the usual lumpy reason- feeling extremely hungry and nobody (especially ummi) was around to paksa makan. I guess the psychiatrical habit of eating only after being told to do so and the refusal to eat when ummi tak paksa despite feeling extremely hungry still lingers around. How very lumpy! And then adela 2 org kakak nurse yg pujuk, huu. For a split second i stained the prophecy of my "Be Happy" regime, but Alhamdulillah i succeeded in putting everything under strict control haha. 

Abandoning my initial plan of staying in the labour room until tomorrow after Ummi's advice in view of my long journey to KL tomorrow insyaAllah, i prepared to go home. When I arrived at my car, it was really annoying to find another car was blocking my way (parked behind Shika and totally blocked my parking space). The owner wrote his phone number on a piece of paper and place it at his car wiper. So I called him, but the answer that I received was "Isteri saya nak bersalin ni. Nanti baru saya datang". I was like (dalam hati je la), "Encik ingat isteri encik bersalin 2 hingga 3 minit ke??? Ya Allah encik, nak bersalin tu berjam2. takkan nak block kereta saya berjam2???" Instead I told him I need to go back urgently. After waiting for quite a long time (which was stressful as well), and after calling him many times and sending him Allah-knows-how-many sms, he arrived and remove his car..

Well this is life. we are being tried and tested in so may manifestations, yet back to basic, everything is for testing the strength of our iman.. Bersyukurkah aku hari ini? Bersabarkah aku hari ini? Berimankah aku hari ini?.......... 

Barangsiapa yang bertakwa kepada Allah, nescaya Allah akan lepaskan ia dari masalah hidup Dan diberikannya rezeki dari sumber yang tidak diduga. Dan barangsiapa yang bertawakkal kepada Allah, nescaya Allah akan mencukupkan keperluannya. Sesungguhnya Allah melaksanakan urusan ( yang dikehendaki ) Nya. Sesungguhnya Allah telah mengadakan ketentuan bagi tiap-tiap sesuatu.

when can i undergo BTL??

I manage to slip into the library computer lab and post something here. anither 16 minutes before our seminar starts. Staying in the hospital since last night, with my on-call this evening until tonight, there's nothing more wonderful than collapsing in the serenity of my stuffy bedroom. But finally I have made up my mind to go home this weekend :)

Last night stay was unyielding other than few mililitres of lactic acid residing in between my muscle fibres

-Ok that was written yesterday-

a new chapter today ---->

i just can't wait to undergo a BTL (bilateral tubal ligation) after i have completed my family of 10 kids huuu. but still a long way to go before i can put an end to the delivery-searching activity (a replacement of branula-searching craziness). next in the list is case presentation craving!

Yesterday was TWIN DAY :) 3 twin deliveries: 2 normal deliveries plus 1 caesarean section. 2 pairs of girl and a pair of boys huu~ sgt sweet & cute!! To have a look-alike twin is very nice isn't it? Then they would have the chance to confuse people!! I think for the past 2 months (since the first time we read the chapter on Multiple Pregnancy (twin) ), one of the hottest topic among us (girls) is about twin, specifically "How can we get a twin?" Once we even tried searching the internet for tips to get a twin huhu (so pathetic. poor us)

i found a website which lists down the tips of getting a twin. so here goes..

1. Have a family history of twin especially on the maternal site (i fail on this one, and extremely jealous of a close friend who has strong family history of twin huu!)
2. Women with many children will have higher chance of having twin (the prospect isn't very bright either for me.. but maybe it's bright for another close friend who aims to have 12 kids!!)
3. Artificial conception (looks like i have to opt for in-vitro fertilization haha!)
4. bla bla
5. bla bla
and finally... we found something that we could at least try:::::---->
19. Eat YAM
12. Drink SOYA BEAN MILK

Yikes. I can just imagine my diet in the future- YAM & SOYA BEAN MILK everyday! Absurd~ Well that was just for fun aong us. seriously getting a twin isn't easy especially in the milk, diapers and soprano department, with possible sleep deprivation for the mum. And last evening when i was waiting for a patient to deliver, a nursing student, the patient and me had a chit chat.

well one of the topic was undoubtedly TWIN. nursing student tu kata "Akak kahwin dengan kembar (her husband has a twin), adik akak sendiri kembar, tp anak tak kembar pun"
I said, "Anak akak baru lima. Akak tuggulah yang kesembilan dan kesepuluh insyaAllah kembar!" Haha we laughed over the subject.

But it's a hard life for her. She is a nurse, currently specializing in midwifery. She has 5 kids at home, the youngest is 1 year old. It was quite late- around 9pm when we were waiting for the [atient to deliver. Kakak tu has been in the labour room since 9am in the morning but not even a single delivery was conducted by her- takde rezqi. She almost cried when she was about to go home, telling me "Akak tinggalkan patient ni dengan adik la ye (me), akak nak kena balik dah ni, sedih tak dpt sambut, tp kesian kata anak2 menuunggu kat rumah..." Seriously it was a touching moment, when i actually SHOULD feel happy to have the patient all for myself.. She is so unlike me who can just grab the car key, drive to the hospital in the middle of the night, stay for almost 48 hours in the hospital and never go back, and when i arrive in the hostel after 2 days in the hopsital, i don't have to worry about anything other than reimbursing my sleep. How very easy life is for me... I don't even have to bother to feed anybody..

But the hard truth hits me, it is going to be worse when we woman become doctors! Rumah yang huru hara ke? never mind i have ample time to think about it :p

....

I have like 14 minutes to complete this. Haha for sure I can write a novel in the 1-hour SPM English Essay Paper, provided that rumblings are allowed. 14 minutes before what? Before I have to make a journey in the most reluctant manner to Hana's room downstair and start again on Ovarian cancer ~sigh~ I've been wasting my time the whole morning doing Allah-knows-what-because-I-myself-am-not-sure, by all means I have to compensate. 

Okay another 11 minutes, trying very hard to archive my life lately into something which i call a 'blog' and which i hope i can pass on to my children or probably i will read them later myself, and surprise myself with my own history (huhuuu). I am still surprised because the 'be-happy' regime still hasn't expired (what???) ALHAMDULILLAH. Though I am quite worried and anxious with the spookiness of our home (huh??)

When I become a surgeon (eh?) one day or an O&G, i really should remember the date 15th May 2009 when I for the first time repaired an episiotomy wound, which marked my first time stitching a real tissue! Huu how soo lame it sounds~ Hehe this is the memoir of a 3rd year medical student after all!

My Labour Room posting starts tomorrow insyaAllah, how I hope I would be able to complete my logbook for the Labour Conduction section. INSYAALLAH. And here I am thinking whether I should go back this coming weekend but in view of my alarming financial status (huuuuuu), I really should try to cut up on transportation expenditure..  perhaps and perhaps..  The hard fact of being a student= mujahid fi sabilillah..

Of carelessness, I only deserve a Pasar Malam's!!!

Today I am kind of depressed a bit~ because I lost my matric card (few days ago) and just about to slowly sip in the bitter truth after extensive search at all possible places i could think of.. It merely means I have to rake out RM50 from my already skinny purse, just to get a new one. And I don't plan to order the official name tag just yet huu (the one that Dr and medical students use). I'm broke~

And as I had anticipated, Ummi was kinda upset with this huu~ she has not yet been desensitized towards this kind of thing though she had experienced similar episodes for uncountable times!! let us see how i kept forgotting where did i put my purse when i was at home, and created a havoc each time i wanted to go out (my driving license!!)

Again for uncountable times, I accidentally left my handphone or handphone chargers or other things at home everytime I come back to the campus after a weekend at home or after a long holiday; which created the habit in Ummi to say out loud the checklist of things which i shouldn't leave behind huu

When I had just started my 1st year in Kuantan, I lost my room key. However I managed to persuade my roommates to leave the door unlocked even during long holidays! Only recently I bought a new key which costed me precious RM50! huu

And (no wonder) Ummi couldn't believe it when i told her i bought a pair of new watches yesterday huu. She asked me where were all the watches that abah had bought earlier?? Oopsss.. that question left me wondering either ~sigh~ Let me go through the history- my first Swatch which was so sweet, (with a train continuously moving around the clock face, and blue straps). Abah bought it in Switzerland. It just disappeared.... Next was the silver Dalvina which he bought in Singapore.. It too just disappeared.... Next was dark blue Dunlop which he bought in Mecca-  one could also guess its fate.... Then he bought me another Swatch- this time it is pink. I love it soo much that I couldn't bear the idea of losing it which made me feel reluctant to wear it... and Yup!!! I have never worn it until now. Still in its case, stowed in an antique brown bag, put on top of my cupboard and the bag was left to collect dust! Haha. It has been so long that the battery has expired! Once in a while I check on the watch, appreciating while wearing that forlorn look for not able to wear it -haissyyy- In between I had numerous Pasar Malam watches.. but not much different than the others, they just disappeared. I think watches and me lack the chemistry to stay together!

Last week when I had to count a patient's pulse in front of Dr Suhaiza during our class, in the few extremely embarassing moments when I had to beg for my group mate's sympathy to time while I counted the pulse (and I ended up counting wrongly), I was very determined to buy a watch. Plus Dr Suhaiza's emphasis that a doctor should have a watch with jarum saat!! 

And after discussing for many days with a friend (who has the same habit of losing watches haha) that we should buy a new watch.. I ended paying a generous amount for a pair of watches! Only to get a nice piece of 'advice' from Ummi haha. 

I really deserve a Pasar Malam watch!!!!!!!!!! That explains why I like cheap things, as I won't experience the guilt of losing them :p

being a bit secretive :p

Weekend is nearing and I guess my quest to have a nice weekend at home isn't a feasible one. And I fail in wiping off the memory of an important thing which i have to attend to this weekend. The fact that our mandarin class tonight is on doesn't help a bit in nurturing my laziness -sigh- maybe i should learn few negative mandarin words to help me to whine, then I won't hesitate to practise using them here in this blog huu.

I am about to wave gynaecology ward goodbye, when I have just started to feel at home in the ward. And grabbing others' patients (haha, WITH PERMISSION) to be my clerking victims huu. How I hope I would have more chances to present cases, and run a demolishment project of all fumblings and mumblings during the show. (CPs, exams, short cases are all about showing and acting~ at least that is what the doctors keep saying!) 

I have a weak & soft side for those who feel unmotivated, because I very frequently experience the same thing. You know , probably (and I am trying very hard to put the blame) it is the oestrogenic character as opposed to the testosteronic influence. A surge or an urge to hold out your hand and reach~ reach for what?? heh heh I don't know. If you can make even a small contribution by reaching out, which in turn will put some sense in someone's brain, and make a whole big difference in the person's life, then I guess the effort is worthy of something called 'humanity'. 

And now I am wonderingly asking myself why am I jotting down all these? Probably I feel so grateful because when I am being all unreasonable and emotional, I have so many people around me who are always ready and available to knock some sense into my anomalic perception. But sometimes I see people who are in real need of some sense and motivation, but I know I am not the best person to do so, and it leaves me feeling so helpless and useless -sigh- waiting for a superman to save the day. 

It's really frustrating, but life's like that. Selfish, mean and all. I don't know, probably the best that I can do is to pray to Allah so that He will take care of everything. Do'a and tawakkal without trying? That is soooo WRONG! hmmmm

May I become stronger

I had my case presentation today, a mind boggling case with unsure diagnosis, and the patient told me things different from what she told the Dr, which made me feel very upset with her, but all in all I think I deserve a weekend at home (despite the most terrible CP on earth haha), yet I don't have the energy to travel back huu..

Anyway, i think i'd be safer in Kuantan (huhuu) for the time being with all the on-going extraordinaires back home (hmmmmmm) although i am screaming from the inner side to indulge into the chocoalate-making-experiments..

And I would like to dedicate this song to whoever deserves it :) May I become stronger with each day, and may you too!

Langkah Tercipta
Album : Langkah Tercipta
Munsyid : Unic

Semalam aku kelukaan,
Kecewa kehampaan,
Mencalar ketabahan,
Impian seringku harapkan menjadi kenyataan
Namun tak kesampaian,

Allah…
Inginku hentikan langkah ini
Bagaikan tak mampu untuk ku bertahan
Semangat tenggelam lemah daya,
Haruskah aku mengelamun jiwa
Ku berbisik inilah dugaan

Dan langkahku kini terbuka
Pada hikmah dugaan uji keimanan
Dan dilontarkannya ujian diluar kekuatan setiap diri insan

Allah…
Pimpini diriku,
Untuk bangkit semula meneruskan langkah perjuangan ini
Cekalkan hati dan semangatku
Kurniakan ketabahan........
Agar mimpi jadi nyata..
padaMu ku meminta

Dan ku mohon agung kudratMu
Wahai Tuhan Yang Satu
Segalanya dariMu 

Allow me to put a fullstop for a while

I guess this would be my last post for the time being.. uhuh I've been surfing the net and blogging for 1 whole day! (and yet I have - let's see approximately 1 full container of stories to write) in between glances at Novak's Gynae Textbook on things (probably) related to pelvic mass or pain or abnormal bleeding (huu I truly should hold up high the white flag this time around) because insyaAllah my coming week officially starts in a few minutes huhuuuu~ doing extra on-call tonight, and my official on-call tomorrow morning till 4.30pm- the vampire will be off the leash again (I have no problem being a vampire if I could be as graceful as Alice Cullen haha). If my performance is good this week, then maybe I won't hesitate to treat myself to a weekend at home! (while trying to wipe off the vague memory that I've been booked for a programme huu~)

Ok, that's it for now. Whoever is reading this, don't forget to pray the best for me~ 

Pain is still in the air..

in loving memory...

our family member has just passed away and buried in kampong subang area.
it was tot the cat...cod. hit and run accident victim...
and..that is the end of our beloved tot..
in time, tears would dry up..

but nothing could ever replace him..
so long tot

I thought all my tears for Tot had dried out, but the pain of losing him remains.. and I am crying for him again..

Happy Ummi's Day!!

I have just finished having lunch with abah and ummi, they came to Kuantan just for car exchange (huu remember my article on Shika Jr that smelled 'smelly'...) so Shika Jr is back with me :) Huu kesiannya they have to come such a long way Kl-Kuantan, and after the lunch I arrived in UIA far much sooner than for them to arrive home (sedih sedih) Huu if I were to think of the tiring on-calls and studying, and classes and.... they are nothing compared to what our parents' had done for us.. kan? kan? huuuu. And since tomotrrow is Mother's Day (but to me everyday is Mother's Day! Why? Because I know everyday Ummi loves me and that makes everyday special hehe), I would like to post this... which I copied from Bayt Amzar's blog with permission ---->

Orang kata aku lahir dari perut mak.. 

(bukan org kata...memang betul) 

Bila dahaga, yang susukan aku.... mak 
Bila lapar, yang suapkan aku.... mak 
Bila keseorangan, yang sentiasa di sampingku.. .. mak 


Kata mak, perkataan pertama yang aku sebut.... Mak 
Bila bangun tidur, aku cari.... mak 
Bila nangis, orang pertama yang datang .... mak 
Bila nak bermanja, aku dekati.... mak 
Bila nak bergesel, aku duduk sebelah.... mak 


Bila sedih, yang boleh memujukku hanya.... mak 
Bila nakal, yang memarahi aku.... mak 
Bila merajuk, yang memujukku cuma.... mak 
Bila melakukan kesalahan, yang paling cepat marah.... mak 


Bila takut, yang tenangkan aku..... mak 
Bila nak peluk, yang aku suka peluk.... mak 
Aku selalu teringatkan .... mak 
Bila sedih, aku mesti talipon.... mak 
Bila seronok, orang pertama aku nak beritahu..... mak 
Bila bengang.. aku suka luah pada.. mak 


Bila takut, aku selalu panggil... "mmaaakkkk! " 
Bila sakit, orang paling risau adalah.... mak 
Bila nak exam, orang paling sibuk juga.... mak 
Bila buat hal, yang marah aku dulu.... mak 
Bila ada masalah, yang paling risau.... mak 
Yang masih peluk dan cium aku sampai hari ni.. mak 


Yang selalu masak makanan kegemaranku.... mak 
kalau balik ke kampung, yang selalu bekalkan ulam & lauk pauk..... mak 
Yang selalu simpan dan kemaskan barang-barang aku.... mak 


Yang selalu berleter kat aku... mak 
Yang selalu puji aku.... mak 
Yang selalu nasihat aku.... mak 
Bila nak kahwin..Orang pertama aku tunjuk dan rujuk..... mak 


Aku ada pasangan hidup sendiri.... 


Bila seronok, aku cari....pasanganku 
Bila sedih, aku cari.... mak 

Bila berjaya, aku ceritakan pada....pasanganku 
Bila gagal, aku ceritakan pada.... mak 


Bila bahagia, aku peluk erat....pasanganku 
Bila berduka, aku peluk erat.... emakku 



Bila nak bercuti, aku bawa....pasanganku 
Bila sibuk, aku hantar anak ke rumah.... mak 


Selalu.. aku ingat pasanganku 
Selalu.. mak ingat kat aku

Bila-bila... aku akan talipon pasanganku
Entah bila... aku nak talipon mak 

Selalu...aku belikan hadiah untuk pasanganku 
Entah bila... aku nak belikan hadiah untuk emak 

Renungkan: 
"Kalau kau sudah habis belajar dan berkerja... bolehkah kau kirim wang untuk mak?
mak bukan nak banyak... lima puluh ringgit sebulan pun cukuplah". 
Berderai air mata jika kita mendengarnya........ 

Tapi kalau mak sudah tiada..... ..... 
MAKKKKK...RINDU MAK.... RINDU SANGAT.... 


Berapa ramai yang sanggup menyuapkan ibunya..... 
berapa ramai yang sanggup mencuci muntah ibunya..... 
berapa ramai yang sanggup mengantikan lampin ibunya..... 
berapa ramai yang sanggup membersihkan najis ibunya....... 
berapa ramai yang sanggup membuang ulat dan membersihkan luka kudis ibunya.... 
berapa ramai yang sanggup berhenti kerja untuk menjaga ibunya..... 


dan akhir sekali berapa ramai yang sembahyang JENAZAH ibunya...... 
Seorang anak mendapatkan ibunya yang sedang sibuk menyediakan makan malam di dapur lalu menghulurkan sekeping kertas yang bertulis sesuatu. Si ibu segera mengesatkan tangan di apron menyambut kertas yang dihulurkan oleh si anak lalu membacanya.Kos upah membantu ibu:


1) Tolong pergi kedai : RM4.00
2) Tolong jaga adik : RM4..00
3) Tolong buang sampah : RM1.00
4) Tolong kemas bilik : RM2.00
5) Tolong siram bunga : RM3.00
6) Tolong sapu sampah : RM3.00
Jumlah : RM17.00 
Selesai membaca, si ibu tersenyum memandang si anak sambil sesuatu berlegar-legar si mindanya. Si ibu mencapai sebatang pen dan menulis sesuatu di belakang kertas yang sama.


1) Kos mengandungkanmu selama 9 bulan - PERCUMA
2) Kos berjaga malam kerana menjagamu - PERCUMA
3) Kos air mata yang menitis keranamu - PERCUMA
4) Kos kerunsingan kerana bimbangkanmu - PERCUMA
5) Kos menyediakan makan minum, pakaian, dan keperluanmu -PERCUMA
Jumlah Keseluruhan Nilai Kasihku - PERCUMA

Air mata si anak berlinang setelah membaca apa yang dituliskan oleh siibu. Si anak menatap wajah ibu,memeluknya dan berkata, 

"Saya Sayangkan Ibu". Kemudian si anak mengambil pen dan menulis "Telah Dibayar" pada mukasurat yang sama ditulisnya.

To me? The first part is TOTALLY right. The persons that I LOVE MOST in this world are UMMI and ABAH. I doubt that the fact will change even after my marriage.. But of course I will equally love my future husband.. in a different way :) I think my heart was created in portions! ~Gasp~ The portion for my parents will eternally be for them. But then there are other portions, for my family, my spouse, my friends, my muslim relatives, for Tot (huu) and guess what is the biggest portion for??? Hehe for Allah & His Messenger insyaAllah :D

Bila baca second part regarding pasangan, I become so afraid of the future.. Ya Allah jangan kau jadikan aku anak yang durhaka... Ameen

Me in 60 years time

I don't know what is wrong with me because I keep bringing home weird stories huu. I am sure everybody (medical students) in their daily hospital life come across experiences which are more or less the same or very much similar to mine~ except that maybe I am more sensitive to the surrounding, and pay more attention to unimportant details which paint the canvas of my life with wonderful and uncountable hues :) And 1 more thing, I have imagination that runs wild, when I can even encourage myself to go the sleek IIUM library because I imagine myself alone in Hogwarts' old and mysterious library, and I loved attending classes in Matric (except for SAMWP) simply because I loved the steps near to UKC and the Stad building~ it reminded me of the steps in Gryffindor tower. And I loved classes in AX (annexe) because the word itself is so mysterious, it reminded me of a story- Diary of Anna something during world war or something like that.

Durham Cathedral cloisters used to film the Harry Potter movies (Hogwart). The Cathdral dates back to 1096 and St Cuthbert's tomb within the Cathedral was a place of pilgrimage in the Middle Ages. This is IIUM in my world

So back to reality, I actually want to write on today's story hehe.

My branula-searching activity is still very rampant these days (haha) So last nite after getting  long "advices" from the chinese houseman Dr (sorry I don't know his name huu) which goes around:

"You start with the vein at the dorsum of the hand k. Don't start higher. If the vein at the dorsum has bumped (leaking and can't b used anymore) you can still use the higher vein. But if you start higher, then once it is bumped, all the lower veins can't be used"

Me: okay

"You don't be tamak k, just use the pink branula" (Tamak means you want to use a big branula so that  it would be easier for fluid or drug admin. Pink is the smallest branula as far as I know)

Me: Okay, I always use pink (Smiling. For the sole reason that I am not competent and skillful enough to use other than pink branula haha)

"You don't forget to flush the hep saline k"

Me: okay

"You don't be kedekut with the blood k. When you take blood, ambil banyak so that you don't have to puncture the patient banyak kali"

Me: "Eh Dr, I just want to insert the branula. I don't want to take any blood" (berkata sambil dalam hati ada kemalasan yang melampau untuk mengambil darah)

"So you just want to top-up the trolley??" (he asked in surprise because I was holding a bunch of syringes which I had grabbed from the procedure room earlier)

Me: This is for flushing the hep saline (sengih and straightaway ran away to save myself from being bullied that night hehe)

Pushing my much-prized NOISY and EMBARASSING blood-taking trolley, I went to the first bed. I met an ex-ophthalmologist of HTAA :)  in the ward as a patient of course. I didn't know the fact earlier and I just wanted to insert a branula into her vein, but the first thing that made me feel surprised was when she asked me to use the butterfly branula (which is usually used on patients with collapsed veins such as in renal failure) because she told me her veins had calcified (hardened and narrow with calcium deposit). Of course I said I would try using the pink first (because I don't know how to use the butterfly branula) She's an Indian and spoke to me in English and she talked on few other things which made me wonder her previous job. That was when I asked her. Almost reaching the ripe age of 80, she was very frail, and weak, and couldn't even sit up on her own. It seems like everything has kind of reached the expiry date, save 1- the brain. She was very wise, and she still remember the name of drugs!

A nurse handed her a tablet drug, and she told me, "I think this is Adalat. We called it Adalat, but I think they have a new name for it now" I replied, "It is still called Adalat" :) Then we talked on medical schools, and many other issues, all the while me visioning myself in 60 years time- I'm not going to be much different from her :)

But hopefully I would be much closer to God by that time, insyaAllah. A non Muslim always hope with time and with increasing age, so would their wisdom develop. But for the muslim, there shoud be few extra things!- With increasing age,  hopefully our amal, iman and taqwa would also increase! INSYALLAH

Ini cerita malam tadi

Last night I went to Medical ward (8b and 8c) to look for branula (the needle poked into a patient for drug or fluid adminstration) as I was determined to at least fill something in my logbook (we could ask for the Dr's signature when we do procedures like inserting a branula or taking blood).

To my surprise, my first patient was an englishman probably in his 50s or 60s. He had stroke with left sided paralysis. I gulped when I realized I had to insert a branula in him, simply because he was surrounded by so many family members!!! And I just knew how the westerners are like....

I didn't ask about his background. But when i talked to a woman (I assumed she was the wife), the woman asked me to talk to the patient himself. You know they expect the Doctor-Patient relationship to flourish haha. And of course they didn't know that I was just a medical student!

Then when I had all the things ready, I asked for the patient's permission and started to work on the branula. I was so unlucky when the family members crowded around me, getting closer and closer, trying to get a good view of what I was about to do. 

And you know how westerners are like, they are CURIOUS unlike us. They are thirsty for INFORMATION, again unlike us. Inserting a branula is like bread and butter of ward work, but the family memebrs turned it into an amazing experience for them~ merely by watching a medical student inserting a branula!! hahahahaha

Ok, here's the story---->

I pushed the blood-taking trolley to the patient's bedside. They watched the trolley in a very interested manner

I put the necessary things into the kidney dish, and they looked eager to know the list of things..

I wore the disposable gloves, and they kind of 'usha' my hands haha- pakai glove pun best ke. I thought they were trying to see how sterile would I go. So aku yg jahat ni put on the gloves slowly, giving them the curiosity of watching me at work haha.

Then I searched for a chair pulak, and sat on it, and took the patient's hand trying to search for a big vein (well I can only insert a branula in a BIG vein, otherwise it won't go in. I am not an expert at it actually :p)

Pastu pukul2 the dorsum of the hand (the medical students would know that this is the trick done by the nurses to make the veins more visible as if they are going to jump out of the skin!)

So when I was about to push in the needle- that was the CLIMAX! They came closer and mimicked the angle of my hand, give running commentary just like the Croc Hunter, telling each other that a doctor need to be very skillful, and the angle of needle insertion has to be precise bla bla bla. It was really funny. 

And then they asked regarding the heparin, its purpose, so I enjoyed the extra minutes explaining to them that it is used to prevent blood clotting haha (a first year medical student pun dah tahu, so i am far from brainy by knowing that hehe, but you know still it was kinda enjoying to do the explanation. Sungguh jahat)

Finally they were curious about the tegaderm- the clear plastic used to secure the branula in place. And I sadly explained the last bit- regretting that the session has ended hehehehe

By the way, what I learnt from that event, it won't hurt me to ask silly questions. It may sound silly to others but if it is going to be beneficial for me then why not?? And I am going to train my kids to be curious and outspoken just like the westerners, so very opposite of me :)

Rare cases and a CAMERA

Alhamdulillah I have presented the ovarian teratoma case to Dr Azha this morning :D And today I managed to observe quite a number of cases in the operation theatre.

There are just soo many things to tell within such a short time huu. I'm having a headache but it DEFINITELY has to go away (because if it doesn't then I'm going to pretend its disappearance huhu) as I am determined to go to the ward tonight.

Early this morning I started my day by visiting my patient (an 8 year old girl with ovarian teratoma), and one couldn't be more true if they say I was dead anxious to present the case huu. But to my expectation the patient was far more anxious and frightened than me. She is still very young, and the idea of undergoing an operation was very unacceptable to her! So I sat beside her bed, talked nonsensely (my expertise haha) to her. Her mum planted the idea that she was going for a photography session, then I said she would even sleep during the session, and would only wake up after the 'photography' session had ended. A thin (normal la kan) and small sized girl, she gave me the permission to do the inspection on her abdomen. And I made a fuss and excitedly asking her whether she had got a baby inside hahaha. She looked exactly like a pregnant women in probably 6 months of pregnancy!! Sungguh comel hehe- a mini mum! But of course the real truth threatens to be ugly as malignancy (cancer) couldn't be ruled out huu (how much luckier I am not to be tested with such thing~ entahkan aku mampu bersabar dengan keimanan yang tipis ini). Itu cerita dalam ward

This morning I was appointed (unofficially of course) by the surgeon (Dr Anita) to be the camerawoman in the operation theatre, using her camera. Ovarian teratoma in an 8 year old girl is rare! And a huge one~ At that time I really wanted to have my own photos. For the previous rare cases which I had the chance to witness, I used Hana's handphone camera to capture all the photos, or sometimes (for example in the siamese twin delivery) I used the nurses' haha. Menumpang orang je tau~ The thing is my handphone is not equipped with a camera haha how uncivilized :p Ummi's handphone pun ade camera. Then I was desperate as the surgeon was about to cut the patient and plucked off the ovary, but I still didn't have any picture of the cute girl. Huu sedih sedih, truthfully at that time I was determined to buy a camera on the very same day.  And to be truthful, I didn't manage to capture any personal picture until the operation has ended. Sedih sangat la konon2nya.. Suddenly I was reminded of Asma' who suggested that I buy a camera..

After a while I joined the operation in the next operation theatre (OT). Placenta praevia with suspected placenta accreta. Placenta accreta is a very much rarer event (which was emphasized by Dr Anita in a surprised tone when I innocently asked her in not a very interested voice haha, "Is it rare?"). And the OT was packed with paeds doctors, O&G doctors, nurses, very much similar to the delivery of simaese twin. Surgery was conducted by Dr Hakim (my mentor hehe). I was excited to look at the placenta becuase I thought they were going to take out the uterus as well and I would be able to appreciate the adhesion of the placenta to the uterine wall, take some pics etc. Again I felt upset when I realized that I had no camera (by the way Hana for some reason didn't join the operations today so i couldn't use her handphone camera)

Until Zohor I kept thinking of buying a camera and Asma's suggestion. Then I took a nap. I pondered upon the matter for such a long time and in such an unimaginable depth.. until afterwards I felt so upset with myself huuu

I think I am most ungrateful with whatever that I have. When I was about to enter clinical years, I asked abah for a car. He bought Shika Jr and lends it to me. It makes my life much easier but then there are so many people without a car. Ada yg anak dah 3 orang pun tak mampu beli kereta, then I realized how arrogant I am...

I still have lavender-kun and I am thinking of buying a new laptop huhuhuu (for some reason which i thought I could justify huu) , luckily my fiance was fiercely against it.

ALHAMDULILLAH :)

And now I feel sad JUST because I don't have a camera when everbody else's handphones are equipped with 1~ my dear batul, do you realize that you are being so UNREASONABLE??

So I push away the thought of buying a camera huu, I guess a handphone is enough. And He gives me a good brain which can store the images of the rare cases which I have encountered insyaAllah. THANK YOU ALLAH!

The fact and fate finally accepted! Err it's not very suitable for reading huu

I guess my "be-happy' regime works so far (hahaha) Alhamdulillah, does one really need a regime just to be happy??? (wonder.. wonder) :p But today I managed to FINALLY almost finish my part of the obs notes- save 2: Obs Analgesia & post partum haemorrhage (huu after such a looong time), and because I have decided that I should at last act like a mature and responsible medical student (and here I am innocently wondering why does that sounds so weird and nerdy??) and happily accept the fact that I'm an MS!! btw MS doesn't mean Multiple Sclerosis or Mitral Stenosis, it is the nurses' way of addressing Medical Student~

So here I am feeling happy despite being at the end of 4th week of O&G posting and my logbook is far from full.. no worry, it signals that i have to work harder :) And so many things just don't work the way i want them to be but then again almost everything in this world happens to be like that (huh). 

If I were to be given the opportunity to choose, then I would choose to be the Sleeping Beauty (it coincides with my main interest which is sleeping) huu, and wait for a handsome prince to come my way, plant a kiss which would waken me up in a dreamland. But still in reality I choose to stay wide awake in the labour room (though sometimes i keep drifting into dreamless slumber in the ward pantry huu) or roaming the gloomy HTAA compound (probably because I am guessing it right that nobody is going to fulfill the silly dream of the sleeping beauty hehe:p), clad in the ugly and much-despised white coats (instead of flowing glittering white ball gown or lacey and frilly sweet white nighties embedded with cute silk pink roses), allowing my olfactory receptors to recognize & digest the nauseating smell of liquour and ketone breath (well I'm going to smell that way when I deliver a baby as well huu) instead of delightfully enjoying the scent of lovely chocolate fragrance or the homely bread smell in our kitchen..

I choose to force myself to stay wide awake while enduring 'boring' yet extremely important lectures in the dull lecture halls or the not-so-attractive seminar rooms instead of lazing around with Ummi watching Indonesian sinetron (gah)

I choose to be drilled while doing presentations to the Doctors or to be scolded by the nurses  instead of relaxing at home enjoying cup after cup of chocolate drink while entertaining myself with books (because obviously i don't really drink caffeine, including cappucino haha)

So the point is, if one think being a doctor is glamorous, then the person is deviated 36o degrees! I have choosen a path which i was not familiar with (there isn't even a doctor in my family), i have gone through the long and extra dark phase of resentment and regret, BUT I THINK (lately) i have just started to accept everything with gratitude :) Alhamdulillah I think I am in the acceptance phase :) How I hope I will continue to be in acceptance throughout the worst period which is housemanship years!

But still in the not-so-bright a life, He continues to entertain me with things that I love doing (hehe). Occasioanlly the poor MS still had the chance to step into the cool shopping complex last week.. and treated myself to a pair of wedges! (hahaha) 

And because I am not-so-happy-to-go-to-the-hospital-yet-i-feel-so-guilty, He send the rain (the dark clouds threaten me with buffaloes-and-elephant rain) so that it justifies my feeling hehe. Alhamdulillah. But still the ovarian teratoma case which i intend to present in the operation theatre tomorrow awaits me (hopefully i can present huu)

If i still have the chance, I would like to say thank you to Ummi & Abah who had bravely and patiently endured my resentment and regret all these years , my extra dose of crying and sulking, my ample whining and stress huu

Thank you to my sisters who have shown their endless support in my accidental quest to become a doctor.

My 2 brothers whom I love very much just for being my brothers!!

Thank you to my comrades who have helped me in going through the worst period in Kuantan, especially the clinical years huu

Thank you Kak fatin for your own recipe of Chicken Soup which managed to boost a little of my motivation

Thank you to those who have imparted their knowledge to me throughout my 23 years of life

Thank you Prof Nasa for the fatherly talk which succeded in planting a bit of positivism in me

Thank you to those who have existed in my life, excellently playing any role be it big or small in my life play

Thank you to you who have opened the gate of your life and allowed me to walk through it.. and be a significant part residing in your heart

above all, THANK YOU ALLAH for granting me such a wonderful life in this world, surrounded by wonderful people. And I am begging You for Your mercy and love to grant me with such wonderful life in the hereafter..

For Maryam

eh bit pun menyibok nak tgk tudung???

sembonia wedges

jubah seluar

prayer mat

The list of my things::::

1. 2 whitecoats

2. prayer mat

3. jubah seluar

4. sembonia wedges

5. handbag

6. tudung huu

7. watches

8. huu tak tau lagi

9. duit mahar

10. wedding ring (most important hehe)

For A'thiq

a pair of baju melayu (sepasang with my jubah seluar huu)

trousers

neck ties & shirts

prayer mat (beli sepasang with mine hehe- same colour but different designs)

All these before I 'process' them into real hantaran huu. By the way, being the DIY girl (or hardware girl as Yasir calls me), i plan to make them all by myself. sorry to my friends who have offered to do it for me at a very cheap 'buddy price'.. really appreciate it :) I'll upload the completed hantaran later k

Hantaran

People keep asking me about hantaran. Initially i was neither keen nor interested in making hantaran, because i like things which are not suitable for hantaran. for example i don't like black formal shoes, but i thought it would look weird if i buy soe funky girly sandals for hantaran. that kind of thing.. but in the end we agreed on hantaran because we were afraid our families would feel kinda.... shocked should we cut on too many traditional things haha.

the thing is i went shopping alone for my things (because i am such a cerewet person thus i wanted to buy my own things) and i bought athiq's gifts as well. pheww up to a point that i felt so tired and was thinking of crying and leaving all the gifts in the shopping complex huuu.

But all in all, for athiq, i bought:

1. 3 shirts

2. 2 trousers

3. 2 neckties

4. 2 whitecoats

5. 1 pair of baju melayu

6. stethoscope (abah yang beli)

7. ophthalmoscope & otoscope (abah beli jugak hehe)

8. prayer mat

9. homemade chocolates! hehe

as for my things and all the pics, i'll tell later k :)

Rubbish again hehe

Alhamdulillah I have just changed the blog layout! In view of my new azam which is to always be cheerful :p (berjaya ke tak ni ntahla), I chose a bright pink birdy huhu; among other essential activities which i have persoanlly outlined (hahaha) including getting complete meal 3 times a day (since too many people are urging me to put on weight, and which make me feel unimaginably confused since people go on diet before their marriage and not put on weight!!! uhuuh now I am more convinced that the world has turned totaly upside down...)

I'm trying to be fast with these few entries. i wanted to write on so many things which had happened in the last few days.. so the usual invalid reason- no time huu. 

First thing, we had episiotomy workshop yesterday sponsored by B Braun. And i felt so happy when Dr Azha said my suture was excellent huu (perasan betul la haha) and Dr Suhaiza said it was suitable for facial plastic surgery (bertambah lagi perasan haha)

Second thing I conducted the 3rd delivery few days ago, at the high risk labour room.. and i was being cruelly lectured (i mean i deserved it, but still it was done in a very frightening manner) . I was scolded right from the start.. all the way til i finished. Rasa nak menangis tu adela, but when the houseman said it was normal even for them, terubatla jugak hati huu. 

How our path intersected!

I'm now about to finish the 4th week of O&G posting.. haisy sedar tak sedar I'm reaching closer to the finsihing line of 3rd year.. and the starting point of my life with A'thiq :)

Believe me, to be engaged for 2 years (without adding the period since the first time we have decided to spend the rest of our life together) and in the same time trying our best to be strict on muamalah is closer than next to impossible.. for me at least huu.

So what do I do when he refuses (by all means!!) to go out of my mind?? I write and write and write and write whatever that can make me feel relieved! And I am writing this obviously for the same reason.. because I haven't heard from him for quite a long time. The closer the wedding approaches, the harder it is to get everythong under control, so to those who are planning to get married, just be prepared for the worst that is yet to come haha.

I haven't updated on our wedding preparation for quite a long time. Was not in the mood but now I am :D But it will be in the next post because currently I want to tell you how our (me and athiq's) life path intersected!

I kept asking him, when did he first know me. He kept refusing to answer because he said, he would someday reveal it to me... after our marriage huu. But 1 day he did tell me, after (i think) he felt tired when i asked him the same question again and again hehe.

Ni athiq's part of the story:

Kenal nama tyme 1st sem, 1st year. ada tmpal kt sains building. Dkat dgn lif tu. Tyme tu tngok nama2 medic DQ. Skali tbaca ur name skali. Tyme tu ana dgn Erfun kot klau xsalah.. Then diorg tnya, sdara nta ke Athiq? Ana jawab 'a'aaah' smbil tsenyum. Diorg kata sdara sbb ada 'al' kt both of our name.
Kenal Maryam in person tyme Maryam Mengajar ana. sem last. Seriously, ana mula betul2 'jatuh hati' tyme Maryam ajar bab microb baik n microb jahat tyme tu. Bab 1 bio 3.
Sedar xsedar, dh jd tunang ana. Xlama lg bkal jd Permaisuri n teman hidup ana.. Jazakillah Maryam!!

Ni pula my part of the story:

Maryam 1st time tahu nama waktu kat program kat rumah seorang doktor. Apa yg mrym fikir waktu tu, "Eh macam nama kak athiqah la!" (k. athiqah DQ). Tgk nama ada 'al' pastu trasa mcm nama lebih kurang hehe. Tp waktu tu, nama hazim (a friend of ours) pun ada 'al' jugak.. so taklah pelik sangat. Tp tak kenal muka lagi waktu tu. Pastu rasanya waktu short sem, kami pernah conduct program untuk junior kot, tak pasti kat mana, dah lama sangat huu. Tp waktu tu ada la cam minat sket2 hehe. Pastu ckp kat asma' (my sister) because asma' join program tu waktu tu
Asma sibuk2 nak tgk nta yg mana satu, tp mrym sgt3 segan nak tunjuk. Mrym tak tahu what else should I do, maka berdoalah hehe. Seminggu lepas tu, athiq terus sms ALHAMDULILLAH. 
Kiranya waktu tu dah ready nak terima tp still istikharah lg takut terlalu ikut nafsu huuu
Sgt3 terkejut waktu athiq sms tu.. tak sangka begitu cepat Allah menjawab hambaNya......
Waktu britahu Asma' n kakak pun diorng terkejut sebab diorng dah tahu psl a'thiq sblum tu lg hehe

When he listened to my part of the story, he said

JAZAKILLAH MARYAM!! InsyaAllah ana TAK AKAN Sia2kan pilihan dan Keputusan Maryam. Ana Janji.

Jazakallah akhi!

Today's lesson

At 4.35pm

While writing this, I’m still in Shika Jr (Naza Suria that abah lends me) at Putra Gombak., waiting for a friend to arrive
While writing this I’m in desperate need of a toilet because just before I started my journey back to Kuantan, Ummi made corn shake which I drank almost 1 big mug 
While writing this I exchange smses with Ummi telling her how depressed I feel waiting here
While writing this I feel like crying because this is not the first time I experience such thing- tunggu orang for almost 1 hour
But Ummi told me to be patient because everything happens with hikmah
When Ummi said that I feel like crying even more because I regret the nasty feeling that I had earlier.. why can’t I be as patient as ummi, as husnuddzan as her? Huu my dear, ISTAGHFIRILLAH!!!!!! 

Now at 5.30pm..

While writing this, I’m at Petronas R&R Genting Sempah. Kenapelah asyik buka laptop je through out this journey? Huu. 
While writing this, I’m waiting for abah to arrive huu kesiannya abah kena datang sini, I think I burden him the most huu. Huu my dear, bila la nak jadi independent?? 
While driving, I thought I smelled something burning.. from the engine. Hai Shika Jr, you are not yet 1 year old! 
While writing this, I’m sitting in the driver’s seat facing the opened engine compartment. Oh my, I have never opened the engine compartment before!! Terkial-kial cari where is the lever to pull it up huhu. And luckily my friend knows how to check the engine coolant haha. If I were alone, I think the only think I’d be capable of doing is dial abah’s no and report huu. I’m so useless when it comes to engines & gadgets –sigh-

While writing this I am aware people walking pass Shika Jr are staring at us, wondering why are we parked at Petronas Genting Sempah, enjoying food and beverages (while typing using Lavender-kun) in a car with exposed engine haha. 

Now at 10.30pm..

I am already in Kuantan. Finally started the journey from Genting Sempah at approx 7pm and arrived at 9.30pm, Ended up driving Bestari instead of Shika huu. I'm tired but I have all the reasons in this world to become a good Doctor!! Huu, will try to work hard :) But beauty sleep comes first, and a nice long 2 months of O&G posting for me :D

Of Chocolates!

Today I feel so happy because I managed to make chocolates this morning :p it washes away a small part of the sadness which I was enveloped in (simply because i really hate going back to Kuantan huuu, who doesn't??)

I learnt chocolate-making technique almost 1 year ago, where I learnt bread-making, and I have never tried making it at home, so yeah today was my first!

Chocolate making isn't that easy. Anybody can make chocolates, but to make a tasty chocolate, which is glossy, doesn't have air bubbles, doesn't melt at room temperature, which snaps bla bla bla.. isn't a piece of cake. It's a chocolate! And truthfully I am far from satisfied from this morning's experiment product (T_T) but never mind, I can try again and again and again until I find the perfect technique & recipe (then of course I am going to make Ferrero Rocher's maker cries in disbelief and amazement haha)

And I'm already thinking of making a business out of it huu. When I indulged in bakery, I dreamt of starting some sort of a delicatessen 1 day, then I dreamt of opening a cake house, and now I am dreaming of owning a candy cottage where I can sell all sorts of home-made candies! The one and only thing which i am still not keen in having is....... (which i think ummi is regretting huu) my own clinic!!

Anyway, gotta work hard on the chocolate experiment (huh?? shouldn't i be working hard on O&G subjects???) as I am seriously thinking of starting this chocolate business huu. And no worry, I've got Yasir's tummy to drain all the chocolate experiment products!!!

It's hard to mould myself into a mujahidah

Listened to Dr Azam's lecture on career, on choice, on..  and felt like crying

I'm all worked up and worn out by the negativism and i could sense a teary episode coming my way.. -sigh- may Allah always help and guide me in this exhaustive journey

O Allah i feel so tired but then a mujahidah is meant to be tired.. right?