Saturday

A day before A'thiq's departure

Yesterday was indeed a blessed day when our whole family united for the first time! Umar's homecoming was indeed a joyful occasion. Umar for the first time met his two abang ipar haha. So instead of the usual five, there were 7 of us! plus abah and ummi, that makes us 9 in total!! 

Next was bowling game in Sunway Pyramid until nearly 2am aghh although I was dead tired and could even sleep in the bowling centre! (please understand that I have never even once hold the bowlng ball with my own fingers throughout my life)


This is our big family :)

The tok penghulu: Abah =p

Umar who has just came back from France 1 day before A'thiq departed for Jordan

Asma', Me, A'thiq and Umar. How I miss Abang's smile!!! 


Haa kakak and abang apidzs diskas pe tu??


yasir, abang apidzs, kakak and ummi

Yasir aka ABU (Anak Bawah Umur) displaying his ABUness I guess??..........

Fuhhh I am FINALLY back!!!

Well I guess the quite-many coming posts aren't very suitable for public reading, obviously not in the manner of unsuitability which many people might think but rather they are going to be (gimme few seconds to think of an appropriate adjective).... an acidic insult to the brain which MIGHT induce some degree of necrotic changes in the cortex, or in more obvious words- they are going to be plain flat useless huhu. Never mind, that's what I do anyway- I enjoy doing useless thing. Don't put a harsh blame on me later for not exhibiting a perfect warning because this is what the first paragraph all about- DON'T CONTINUE READING. Why bother to write then? Ahaa because I am a blogger :p 

A long (yet short) 3 weeks for me and A'thiq I guess after our nikah. A short holiday of 1 week between 3rd and 4th year followed by 2 weeks of 'nauseating' Forensic practically because we got tonsillitis and fever and flu (and we even went to screen for H1N1 status in HTAA one morning at around 1am haha because the URTI just got worse after 3 antibiotic prescription), finally A'thiq returned to his orginal place- Jordan undoubtedly :p

A'thiq I am sure couldn't disagree with me if I say we have gone through soo many things. Probably 'many' for a newly wed couple. And we kept saying that everything happened for reasons- I am sure to strengthen both of us for the separation that was yet to come. (Gee he flew to Jordan this morning!). Improper honeymoon when we were entertained with lectures on death and crimes, a lovely visit to the mortuary (which I happily skipped), and the worst part was the vomiting as well as clinic & hospital visits PLUS the various drugs that we joyfully consumed, reminding each other to take antibiotic whoaaa everything was sadfully wonderful :D And yup! no swimming and beaches for us haha. 

I don't have the slightest intention to induce the occurrence of jealousy in the pure heart of anybody, but yes I have to admit, being married is wonderful hahahaha and hahaha. Despite the downsides of our condition, it was still very wonderful, well cuci mata everyday looking at my handsome husband (owh to those who feel that A'thiq is not handsome -uhuk- please don't feel offended k becuase I personally think he is handsome p/s if wife tak puji, sape lagi nak puji aeh?? :p), someone to turn to when you wake up in the middle of the night crying out of being terrorized by nightmares, and of course in my special case- someone whom I could make a report to on missing things e.g socks, handphones, antibiotic etc, and feeling good about it because I knew it would be entertained. Btw, A'thiq has an excellent reputation of finding my things 100% so far hehe how extremely amazing.

I guess I should stop for a while, to be continued later :)

Thursday

Semoga lebih tabah dalam mengharungi hidup

Whoa it's hard to update these days but please don't get me wrong because it's not the honeymoon thingies. It seems like a group of some kind of Strep just can't leave us alone, and accomplish their mission of making our lives miserable with tonsilitis and fever. A'thiq? Haha we are enjoying the activity of sharing things including the Strep, so despite the fact that we are residing for the time being at the beach, not even once our skin touched the salt water. How much more romantic can a honeymnoon be with nausea and vomiting as well as febrile temperature? Ooops not to forget the romantic sound of cough and blocked nose. Huu I guess everything is soooo 'romantic' :p

And currently enjoying packets after packets of jeruk in between durian, I personally think we enjoy the vicious cycle of melantak durian until our temperatures spike up and then sleep it off, followed by eating jeruk to wipe off the nauseous feeling, and melantak durian again when are about to feel healthy. -sigh- the fact that I have to humbly accept: A'thiq is sooo obsessed with durian, and as I'm trying to be a good wife, I have this conscience that the best thing I should do is to eat the durian with him (trying to hide the truth that I am also a hantu durian :p). We are actually hiding durians in the fridge of our room despite the hotel rule that durians are strictly not allowed

Now is 21:21, Thursday. Athiq has just returned from the mosque and suddenly after a hot bath, (plus a whole day of sleeping under thick blankets) I have this urge of updating this blog. Obviously I didn't attend the class this morning. Again it's not the honeymoon thingies but rather the infection because yesterday I had my second cycle of antibiotic- now it's the augmentin after a cycle of bacampicillin. 

People are asking me "Err do you think it's... you know" and my eyeballs almost pop out of the sockets, "Ehemm ehemm I guess I have such an accelerated zygote implantation, villous & placental formation and hCG production within 1 week which trigger the hyperemesis gravidarum" or in a more conventional way "I am married for just one week, obviously it's not pregnancy" huuu huuuu and huhuuuuuuu. Don't try to scare me and make me jump out my skin in extreme surprise. Ooopss I think I make A'thiq pregnant as well- becuase he vomits obviously more than me.

Another week before A'thiq departs for Jordan, and I resume my 'I am single' status, I definitely am going to miss the millions of seconds that I spend with him. A'thiq is such a superb husband and I sincerely should apologize to him for making his life hard these few days.. really I am going to miss his presence but that's life. Another 2 years of medical school for me geee. I am going to do my best, Chaiyokk to myself and to Abang!!

Just like A'thiq has always told me, "Semoga lebih tabah dalam mnegharungi hidup"

Friday

LOVELIEST COUPLE EVER!!!!

Currently enjoying few minutes being single after almost a week of feeling intoxicated by my significant other (as if I don't have any hope of being single after a'thiq's departure to jordan in few weeks time huhu p/s maybe i can still flirt after this wink wink :p), updating this blog while A'thiq performs his Jumaat prayer, is undoubtedly my priority hehe. I'm now enjoying Kedah, while reminiscing the majestic day of our humble wedding reception and of course enjoying the photos as well as the nice statements from family and friends that sound something like "Amboi comelnya, pandai hang pilih ye Athiq" or "Lawalah bini ampa ni noo" hahaha though I know for sure that A'thiq is feeling extremely jealous of me and trying hard to make me believe that we look alike which signifies that whenever anybody mention my kecomelan, it implies to his 'good look' also ehem ehemmmm (hahahaha again and again. kidding :p)

I couldn't find the most precise word to picture my euphoria (i could even cry!!) when I saw our friends' faces at the reception especially my MBBS 0611, akhawat from SRIH!!, SMKS, and of course my ABs!! Thank you from the deepest bed of my heart, for making our wedding reception such a memorable one!!!! (obviously anybody can detecy that I'm typing this in such a euphoric state haha)

Because I know soo many people are dying to lay their eyes on the picture of the loveliest couple ever, I very happily upload this pic hehe. Enjoy it :D



The loveliest and greatest couple ever!!

To Ummi and Abah, I love both of you extremely. You have done so much for me. I'm now a wife to an honourable man, but I am still the loving daughter to the greatest and loveliest couple ever!!!


Two mums yang sangat aku cintai!! Pray that I can be as great as them :)



This is my new dad :)




Two men that I love most! + abah kedah + umar + yasir :p
Asma kakak & yasir. though i'm feeling a lil sad that umar wasn't around...
Thank you to my great mak andam- Asma' hehe and my pengapit- Faraa. Really thank you! Thanks to my relatives who have helped in making the reception a smooth one, to Mimi, Faraa and Hana who have camped in my house since the night before the wedding to put on Henna on my fingers etc.. :) Abg Apidzs the great wedding photographer :p And especially to those who gave us presents especially those who gave me things which really suits my taste, and for ME ALONE (e.g ade org bg minyak wangi perempuan tp tak bg minyak wangi lelaki, ada org bagi baju perempuan je and tak bagi baju lelaki hehe) while abandoning A'thiq and managed to make him feel extremely jealous of me for having such sporting buddies ngeh3x
I'm also feeling extremely excited after a wonderful discovery that in 4th year, I'll be in the same group with Ah-long dude!! Ah-long dude, for sure your prayer has been granted!! (mine as well hehe)

I think that's all for now. Will surely update later!

Thursday

Wedding miscellaneous

It feels nice (extremely actually) to enjoy post-exam quiet days in the serene ambience of our home. I'm trying to pretend that nothing big is going on (since I am not into socializing and partying that much though if the tok kadi asks me whether I would like to bring forward my akad nikah, i won't hesitate an inch to answer a definite Yes haha). My aunt has arrived from Sarawak yesterday, and here I am, blogging. 

For my short case i got a case of breech with Dr Roszaman. Hmm nothing much, and the discussion was around external cephalic version. Dr Dalia (the new lecturer) accompanied him, she was actually trying to familiarize herself with the examination system. Anyway, it was very short (as the name implies of course), I hope it was ok, enough to cover my lumpy long case. Enough of the examination dose. 

Truthfully our house is as quiet as a grave (i am obviously lying because i can hear the sound from the switched on fan). But we are expecting the arrival of relatives tomorrow. There are things which don't happen as planned earlier. Upset? A bit. But never mind, Allah is the best planner :)

I think I've passed the hectic part for the wedding (though I think the next hectic episode starts tomorrow whooa this is so nightmarish), and as for now the only thing I'd love to do is enjoying this end of year 3 holiday to the fullest!

Come to think about it, I have finished my Year 3 MBBS which means I am now a Year 4 student. Is that important? Because I don't feel the slightest 'brainier than a week ago' when I was in Year 3 hmmm. However Year 4 promises a brighter med student life for me. I really can't wait for Year 4 to start! Ah-long dude adekah kita akan sama posting?? Really hoping for it...

Wednesday

How was the exam? Ok? COurse not!

So it is a day post-final-exam, I'm writing again though initially I planned to continue writing after my wedding. I have been blogging for the past 3 quiet weeks- with the only difference I save them as drafts. Reading again the pieces, I couldn't find any reason to publish them save few relevant ones huu it was the usual habit- writing nonsense.

And again my habit of writing on exams- so here goes. The best thing about our exam is, it takes only 2 days! With the first day being examined on the theory part (MCQ & PMP), second day caters the clinical aspect. I was very lucky to have my second day of exam on tuesday rather than on wednesday cause it merely means 1 whole day less for the anxiety to cause cardiomyopathy and damage my fast-beating heart.

MCQ was ~ err no comment. PMP (I don't know what do the initials stand for haha) was quite ok. It's very similar to PBL, we were given 3 cases and for each cases few questions were given (which of course we were expected to answer but that is seldom the case for me huhu). The first one was UV prolapse, 2nd was Pre-eclampsia, 3rd was antepartum haemorrhage (haha I'm giving a vague unspecific diagnosis simply because I don't have the guts to specify it :p)

As for the second day of examination, my exam started at 9am with Long Case. In this exam, I was assigned to a patient, given wonderful 60 mins to act friendly and caring to the patient though most of the time i just acted like a total irritating pest throwing basketful of privacy-breaching queries and invading her dignity by doing physical examinaition with the only justification- I'm trying to help you to become healthy...! :( , and after that a doctor would arrive at the patient's bed and ask me to present the case.

2 things that average-students (like me hoho) love to do before exam:

1. Find out the list of doctors that will take the exam (be the examiners)

2. Pray hard so that only the lenient ones will be available

2 things that average-students love to do on the exam day:

1. scan hard the doctors available in the ward

2. Pray hard that we will be taken only by the lenient ones

2 things that average-students love to do after the exam

1. Pray hard so that our examiner won't remember us for the rest of our life (The worst nightmare for me is when I meet my examiner after the exam, straightaway he/she will remember all the insane things which I have done and mentioned and written in the exam huu)

2. Walk out of the ward in a pitiful face, hoping at least the doctor will give markah kesian, meet our comrades and confess the total havoc of the exam ~sigh~

So back to my long case, I became so nervous when I saw Dr Raja Arif simply because I had a case with him during ward round once. I was dead afraid he would remember my face and have a negative perception towards me huhu. But ignoring the fact, I just went to the patient's bed, looked at her and she seemed so familiar...

Clumsily introduced myself and asked her permission to clerk her. Have I met her before? Yes.. yes.. but I simply couldn't remember.. then YES! "You were in the ward for blood transfusion.. once upon in a time" She nodded. Nightmare started to set in. She was actually Ashraf's patient which I borrowed for Hana's CEX (Haha we actually made our own CEX), and I clearly remebered that Ashraf tried to confuse Hana by telling her it was a case of Leaking Liquor (siap reka cerita lg the amount of leaking) when actually it was a case of anemia in pregnancy + HIV positive. Ok I am not prepared for this.. for HIV case. 

"Kali ni masuk hospital kenapa? Tambah darah lagi ke?" 

"Eh taklah, masuk sebab kencing manis la"

"Ha?????????????" She answered as if her diabetes was like any of her other problems.. so gaily.

I was hoping for a case of Gestational Diabetes Mellitus or Diabetes complicating pregnancy but DEFINITELY NOT THIS KIND OF DIABETES

GDM under diet control, moderate grade anemia with Hb of 7, AIDS on atiretroviral treatment.. what more could I hope for?.....

During the discussion, I tried to steer the direction towards GDM but the examiner (Dr Bahyah) was far more interested in the severe anemia (+ discussion on heart failure) + labouring patient with retroviral disease. I was a complete flunker! Reality is, I flunked almost all of the exam haha (though the Drs sympathized with me and allowed me to pass)

I'll write on shortcase later...

Sunday

It's the Wedding season!

I think it's the wedding season. I attend wedding receptions almost every weekend!

2nd May: K. Dayah + Ust Elmi in Sepang Please click here for more story :) 

*Attended this one but I had no pics

15th May: Akad K.Ac + Abg Azreen Please click here for more story

*Didn't attend

31st May: K.Nadia + Dr Azlan

*Didn't attend because it was so far away in Perak For more Pics please click here

4th June: K.Tasnim + Solah  in Kelantan

*Didn't attend due to logistic prob :p

5th June: K.Ac + Abg Azreen Kelantan 

*Didn't attend due to logistic prob too

6th June: Abang Azreen + K.Ac in Kelantan

*Again, didn't attend

6th June: Ipin + 'Atikah in Ampang Please click here for more story

*Didn't attend because tak tahu jalan

6th June: K.Sarah + Abg Rif'an in Shah Alam

*Didn't attend because I went out with ummi & abah

7th June: Ijat + Amir in Klang

*Attended this one, Alhamdulillah :)

13th june: K. Fatimah Hidayah & Ust Taufik

*Didn't attend because it was in Kedah huu so far away

14th June: Sakinah & Bukhoree

*Attended this one also

15th June: Amir & Ijat in Johor Please Click Here

*Didn't attend because I have attended the one in Klang hehe

20th June: Amalina + ?? in Terengganu Please Click Here

*Sorry adik for not attending.. my exam is just around the corner huu 

20th June: Ust Taufik & K.Fatimah Hidayah

*Didn't attend as well huhu

27th Jun: K. Mazwani & Ust Ubaidillah

*Didn't attend because if I attend then I'll be missing from mine hehe

27th June: My wedding insyaAllah. Alhamdulillah Please Click Here

*.......

4th July: Ezy (Mimi's Sister) + Halim

*Planning to attend with A'thiq insyaAllah :)

18th July: K.Mawarni + Sham in Balok, Kuantan Please Click Here

*Can't attend because hantar Athiq kat klia.. back to Jordan :(

Anymore??? :)

I am angry

8 days left before I will sit for my final 3rd year exam- O&G, and yet I don't know what am I doing right now- wasting my time. My aunt who is few years older than me got married today. Her name is Mariam (a variant of my name which is Maryam :) Still I think my name spelling is much better hik hik). Didn't attend the reception because initially thought I was going to study (Asma' and Yasir were very jealous because they couldn't use the same reason to escape from attending haha, and finally they 'polite'ly tagged Abah and Ummi to the wedding ceremony :p )

Currently feeling very irritated with Grey's anatomy. I do personally think it is not much different from Cinta Medik. Sometimes I need extra dose of hospital air by watching these medical series, you know with their hospital standard being very different from the dreadful HTAA, it definitely helps to nurture my imagination of a high-tech hospital. Probably 1 day I will have the chance to work in such environment~ Nilai Medical City here I come heh heh, everything sleek and technological will be the props of IIUM insyaAllah :p

Coming back to the original issue, I think Grey's Anatomy use the medical background merely as a background to highlight the explicit censored scenes that they were so eager to show- it was dead disgusting to think of how cheap the movie is actually!! My initial intention to treat my mind to some boggling diseases in some hospital room was dampened by the fact that bedroom scenes dominated the movie. It was in fact the doctors' on-call room, with the doctors having nothing to do than cherishing their sexual lives with each other. How much more disgusting could that be????

After 10 minutes, I decided that it was so toxic that I really needed to stop before I vomit in front of the TV, and smudging Ummi's rattan mat with bitter bilious greenish-black vomitus..

It was like yesterday when asma' and me were on our way back from Times Square (for our secret programme haha), on the KTM we met a young couple smooching in the back seats of the train. I might be wrong when I mentioned 'a young couple' because the right term should be 'a children couple'. They were so young that their age couldn't even pass 15!! The boy was putting his two legs on the lap of the girl, playing with their handphones (what else do 2 school children do??) while both of us stared at them very intensely. Initially I was sitting with them behind my back, because real truth was I very nearly vomited with rage. But then I realized that I shouldn't just ignore, so I tried to display my uneasiness, turning 180 degrees to face them directly. But of course I didn't spill a word lest they would label me as a 'busy body', instead I watched them as if I was watching a drama on TV. To my dismay, they bisik2 infront of me! They definitely knew that I hated doing that so much (watching them) and yet they also believed that I didn't have the authority to scold them~

Truth is, when you face this kind of thing, you don't watch with lust, asking yourself "Why can't I do the same thing?" instead you watch with rage, asking yourself "I have attended so many course on dakwah, and yet in this real situation, I feel so helpless. Hey kids, look here, I am a medical student, I know how many babies are being born out of wedlock! And look here girl, the bitter real truth is, once you are pregnant, your stupid boyfriend will leave you to suffer on the hospital bed (if you are lucky enough to deliver in a hospital), for Allah-knows how many hours, writhing and wriggling in extreme pain to deliver your baby. And that will only be the STARTING point of your dark horrible life in the future bla.. bla.. bla.." I was so mad, and I felt so helpless....

The real useful piece of advice that I should get was "Control your anger, for a daie calls with love.."

And tonight I get another dose of madness from watching Grey's.. I think House MD is very much better, though they still have those sexual scenes, but at least I learn a lot on medical stuff. if only.. if only.. there is a muslim medical series not much different from House MD.. if only...

Friday

Guide

Wikimapia guide to the dewan of our wedding reception insyaAllah :)

Coordinates: 3°10'17"N 101°30'51"E

click here

Saturday

Very short

Why does this blog still exist? Because previously I have written on how lame I am in handling separation, including with this blog.

Thus after extensive conference and discussion, ALHAMDULILLAH, my application to write here is granted!!! Not that it would mean anything to anybody by the way, but it means everything to me :)

BUT with 1 condition:

Continue writing only after marriage! Uhuh? Syarat apekah ini?? Let it be, because in the end it still signifies that blogging will be continued after marriage insyaAllah :) 

So, holiday for another 3 weeks :) Till then.. sayonara H.A.C.O.C

May this be my last post

Bismillahirrahmaanirrahim..

My dear readers, 

Allow me to begin writing this last post with an apology. Sorry for any inappropriate words, issues, or articles which may have delivered uneasiness or anger into your pure heart. Sorry for any wrongwritings which may have left ugly scars (or even keloid) in your soul. Sorry for any comment reply which you think only created hatred. Sorry for laying out such personal stories which had mercilessly thrown away your time into a waste. Sorry for the negativism that had been stuffed continuously thus creating a nauseating ambience in this page. Basically, i am sorry for everything.

Once you are a blogger, you always are. That is what I always believe. I have been blogging for years (this is not my first blog by the way). My first was a friendster blog, but even the friendster account doesn't even exist anymore. Currently I am using my second friendster account. I guess I have the tendency to create and delete accounts huhuu. They are all free!. I can't remember how many blogs I have created so far. To delete this blog is undeniably not an easy decision to be made. I cried over it the whole weekend. Probably I'll just make it a private one~ Why do I have to?? I don't know (of course I know perfectly the reason behind it huhu)

At last, I succumb to the wifey disease~ it's terminal, and it's malignant. marriage is approaching and yet I don't even know what will happen. Semua takdir Allah kan? Manalah tahu ajalku yang tiba dulu ke.. ajal my fiance tiba dulu ke.. jodoh tu Allah yg dah atur right? And I can't say dialah jodohku until we become husband and wife by syariat definition. But despite all  that, preparations have to be made. Material preparation is of course not as important as knowledge and practise. Currently freaked out about the isteri solehah thing (which I am sure I clearly fail). I have to burn the midnight oil and study extra hard to at least get a pass to be a 'bolehla' wife (not even an 'ok' wife, then don't dream of being a 'superb' wife) sigh sigh and sigh~

Next in the to-be-deleted list are

1. facebook

2. friendster

but hey Me is still Me. I haven't changed a bit :) And to the sisters, I will always be available for you!

Do do and do pray for me, for my marriage, for me to be an isteri solehah and anak solehah, for me to be a good muslimah and mujahidah, for me to be a succesful Doctor, for me to be calon penghuni syurga. With that, thank you and Assalamualaikum :)

p/s perhaps when i become a wife, i'll try to persuade my husband into blog writing.. and perhaps (just perhaps) once in a while I could tumpang sekaki? hehe. just perhaps..

This is even scarier!!!

Waaaaaa~ this is even scarier!!!

Berikut adalah tips yang telah disarankan oleh pakar motivasi kita yang terkemuka iaitu Datuk Dr Fadilah Kamsah, yang dipetik dari majalah jelita. InsyaALLAH tips-tips yang disarankan ini dapat memulihkan hubungan suami isteri. Tips ini khas buat si isteri . . .

#####
1. Apabila berbual becakap atau berbincang, gunakan hubungan mata, gerak hati, pegang tangan erat-erat, duduk rapat-rapat, baring bersama dan bernafas serentak, ajak atau biarkan pasangan anda berbaring di atas ribaan.

2. Cuba nasak yang paling sedap unutk suami setiap masa. Usah paksa suami komen apabila dia hanya berdiam diri.

3. Temankan pasangan apabila melakukakn kerje bersendirian pada waktu malam.

4. Letakkan barang-barang keperluan suami di tempat lazim agar mudah dia mendapatkannya.

5. Tolong bawa barang walaupun suami kita mampu membawa semua.

6. Bacakan berita yang menarik perhatian pasangan atau buat keratan berita yang disukainya daripada akhbar atau majalah.

7. Megemas tempat tidur umpama baru kahwin.

8. Ceritakan karenah anak yang membuatkan anda gembira atau geli hati kepada pasangan.

9. Usah dera pasangan secara fizikal atau batin .

10. Tunjukkan minat mengenai perkara yang dilakukan pasangan, kerje yang dibuat dan orang yang ditemui.

11. Apabila pasangan kurang sihat, beri perhatian sewajarnya. Manjakan pasangan seperti kita memanjakan anak.

12. Beri tindak balas positif apabila mendegar pasangan bercerita.

13. Masuk tidur bersama-sama dengan pasangan. Jika kita ingin tidur dahulu, minta kebenaran daripada pasangan.

14. Salam/peluk/cium dan belai pasangan sebelum bertugas.

15. Cuba ketawa apabila pasangan buat lawak atau bercerita sesuatu yang melucukan.

16. Ucapkan terima kasih atas setiap khidmat pasangan.

17. Cari masa untuk berdua-duaan sekali sekala.

18. Berkelah bersama pasangan.

19. Doakan pasangan supaya bahagia di dunia dan akhirat (tanpa pegetahuannya).

20. Pelawa pasangan berjalan-jalan tanpa anak.

21. Cuba berikan apa-apa yang pasangan hajati.

22. Nyatakan yang ada merinduinya bila berjauhan.

23. Sesekali buat kuih kegemaran suami.

24. Beribadah atau menyertai kegiatan di gimnasium bersama-sama.

25. Usah menghukum pasangan jika dia mengecewakan anda tanpa sengaja.

26. Maafkan pasangan jika dia terlupa buat sesuatu untuk anda.

27. Minta maaf dengan segera jika melukakan hati hatinya.

28. Cuba fahami pasangan jika dia membangkang atau enggang membantu.

29. Apabila suami minta maaf, terima dengan kasih sayang. Usah jual mahal sangat. Ingat, kebanyakan suami berasa sukar untuk meminta maaf daripada isteri.

30. Pamerkan keseronokan apabila berhubungan intim.

31. Tunjukkan simpati dan bantu pasangan mencari barang yang hilang atau tersalah letak.

32. Nyatakan dengan hikmah kepada suami jika anda tidak mengemari pilihannya seperti pakaian, tempat makan, lauk-pauk dan destinasi percutian.

33. Berkongsi perasaan negatif dengan pasangan secara terbuka tanpa menyalahkannya.

34. Jangan mengesa suami melakukan sesuatu yang sememangnya ingin dilakukan kerana ini boleh menyebabkan suami tawar hati.

35. Elak memberi penjelasan dengan panjang lebar. Suami sering melenting apabila isteri “bersyarah” panjang lebar kerana ini menunjukkan seolah-olah isteri tidak percaya pada suami.

36. Elak menjadikan suami berasa tidak mampu, tidak layak dan tidak berkebolehan.

37. Ramai suami seronok dan selesa sekadar duduk bersama isteri. Justeru, isteri perlu sanggup berbual dan bercerita tanpa banyak tindak balas daripada suami.

38. Jangan cabar pasangan

39. Apabila berselisih faham atau bertengkar, fokus pasa masalah yang sedang dibahaskan dan usah ungkit perkara lalu.

40. Beri dan perbaharui kepercayaan kepada pasangan sepenuhnya setiap masa. Jangan suka mengenang rekod lama dan usah melabel pasangan berdasarkan rekod itu.

41. Jangan ingkar mengenai perkara yang telahpun dipersetujui. Pasangan akan berkecil hati jika anda menyatakan persetujuan tetapi tidak bertindak seperti dipersetujui bersama.

42. Isteri mempunyai kelebihan dalam memahami suami. Justeru, jadilah si Kembang Cina. Fahami hakikat bahawa kebanyakan suami mengalami kesukaran memahami isteri.

43. Ramai suami berasa janggal dan malu menyatakan sayang pada isteri. Justeri isteri perlu membaca perlakuan suami yang menunjukkan kasih sayangnya. Usah paksa suami meluahkan perasaan. Sesungguhnya, “action speaks louder than words”.

44. Cemburu tanda sayang tetapi jangan keterlaluan kerana boleh menyebabkan pasangan anda menjadi rimas dan serba salah.

45. Untuk merangsangkan suami pamerkan kasih sayang dan puji selalu.

46. Elak menasihat suami jika tidak diminta. Isteri meminta nasihat unutk bermanja tetapi bagi suami itu satu kelemahan.

47. Apabila pasangan berkata atau berbuat sesuatu yang menyakiti hati, adalah lebih baik untuk mencari kepastian daripadanya. Usah membuat tanggapan sendiri yang mungkin tersilap.

48. Selepas berusah bersungguh-sungguh, berdoa dan bertawakal kepada ALLAH SWT semogo hidup kita bahagia di dunia dah akhirat, amin . . .

Isteri Solehah?

I know for sure why I keep writing today, because i feel so not at ease. Everything is just not right. And i keep searching on 'isteri solehah'. ~sigh~ I thought I would feel better, but then i feel worse ~sigh again~ Seems like to be an isteri solehah is next to impossible.... :(

So I just copy some of the things that I have found, hoping that I can read it again and again and again.. and finally practise it... ~sigh for the third time~

Mari hayati pesanan isteri ‘Auf bin Muhlim Ashaibani kepada puterinya ketika hendak bernikah dengan al Haris bin Amr, raja negeri Kandah. Sewaktu utusan diraja hendak membawa pengantin untuk disampaikan kepada raja, ibunya berwasiat kepada anak perempuannya:

“Wahai anakku! Kalaulah wasiat ini untuk kesempurnaan adabmu, aku percaya kau telah mewarisi segala-galanya, tetapi ia sebagai peringatan untuk yang lalai dan pedoman kepada yang berakal.

Andai kata wanita tidak memerlukan suami kerana berasa cukup dengan kedua ibu bapanya, tentu ibumu adalah orang yang paling berasa cukup tanpa suami. Tetapi wanita diciptakan untuk lelaki dan lelaki diciptakan untuk mereka.

Wahai puteriku, Sesungguhnya engkau akan meninggalkan rumah tempat kamu dilahirkan dan kehidupan yang telah membesarkanmu untuk berpindah kepada seorang lelaki yang belum kamu kenal dan teman hidup yang baru. Kerana itu, jadilah 'budak' wanita baginya, tentu dia juga akan menjadi 'budak' bagimu serta menjadi pendampingmu yang setia.

Peliharalah sepuluh sifat ini terhadapnya, tentu ia akan menjadi perbendaharaan yang baik untukmu.

Pertama dan kedua, berkhidmat dengan rasa puas serta taat dengan baik kepadanya.

Ketiga dan keempat, memerhatikan tempat pandangan matanya dan bau yang diciumnya. Jangan sampai matanya memandang yang buruk daripadamu dan jangan sampai dia mencium kecuali yang harum daripadamu.

Kelima dan keenam, memerhatikan waktu tidur dan waktu makannya, kerana lapar yang berlarutan dan tidur yang terganggu dapat menimbulkan rasa marah.

Ketujuh dan kelapan, menjaga hartanya dan memelihara kehormatan serta keluarganya. Perkara pokok dalam masalah harta adalah membuat anggaran dan perkara pokok dalam keluarga adalah pengurusan yang baik.

Kesembilan dan kesepuluh, jangan membangkang perintahnya dan jangan membuka rahsianya. Apabila kamu tidak mentaati perintahnya, bererti kamu melukai hatinya. Apabila kamu membuka rahsianya kamu tidak akan aman daripada pengkhianatannya.

Kemudian janganlah kamu bergembira di hadapannya ketika dia bersedih atau bersedih di hadapannya ketika dia bergembira. Jadilah kamu orang yang sangat menghormatinya, tentu dia akan sangat memuliakanmu.

Jadilah kamu orang yang selalu sepakat dengannya, tentu dia akan sangat belas kasihan dan sayang kepadamu.

Ketahuilah, sesungguhnya kamu tidak akan dapat apa yang kamu inginkan sehingga kamu mendahulukan keredaannya daripada keredaanmu, dan mendahulukan kesenangannya daripada kesenanganmu, baik dalam hal yang kamu sukai atau yang kamu benci dan Allah akan memberkatimu.”

Nasihat di atas seharusnya diterima dengan beberapa asas penting:

l Suami yang dicari adalah suami yang beriman lagi taat kepada perintah Allah.

l Ketaatan kepada suami adalah wajib dengan syarat beliau tidak melakukan perkara yang bertentangan dengan syariat Allah.

l Begitulah hukum Allah, di sana sentiasa ada ‘dua bahagian muka syiling’. Kalau diperhati setiap nasihat di atas, perbuatan kita yang positif akan menghasilkan reaksi dan tindak balas positif juga dengan izin Allah.


Pray and be patient

this morning i went to the ward just to keep myself busy, while holding my breath hoping that the dark memory from yesterday would be washed away. Spent few minutes with 2 patients (including melayan sorang kakak who was very anxious that her baby was still in breech presentation~huu was only 32 weeks in pregnancy pun) then bergayut pulak dgn Ummi at the ward corridor then straightaway went to ECM. (ait apekah gunanya pergi ward only to spend my time bergayut dgn Ummi?? hehe). Talking to Ummi gave me such a huge relief. Ummi told me to pray to Allah, pray, pray and pray.. kat siapa lagi nak berharap di dunia ni???? Yeah it's true. Ummi told me to be patient. Life is a test, but i keep forgetting that fact...! Life is just for a while, but the hereafter is for eternity.. So what am I desperately searching for in this non-permanent, temporary, short period in between my birth and death?..... Worldly satisfaction perhaps.. Astaghfirullah

Shika Jr needed a good bath (euwww) plus I needed time to be alone plus my tummy craved for Pizza (Boycotting Issue noted!). I guess once in a while i need good food. Didn't intend to buy anything anyway (currently on tight budget!!). After half an hour of a good quiet walk passing by all the shops residing in the ECM, and entering the unluckiest few (because I wasn't even in the mood to do window shopping, let alone willingly empty my purse in exchange for goodies. I just needed a lonely walk), suddenly the mall became so noisy with some kind of show- some cheerleading or aerobic dance if I'm not mistaken. It was irritating (the show and the loud music of course, the tight outfits, the mingling between boys and girls), so I hastily grabbed my pizza and went out, heading for Maybank. (Aiyaa I have to accomplish so many things even on saturday)

Yesterday I went to Klinik Kesihatan (Governement Clinic) to do HIV test, which I have procrastinated for few months, met with a pakcik, bringing his form 4 daughter, seeking for treatment. i had just entered the clinic, when my eardrum suddenly captured a high-pitch cruel voice of a nurse, obviously she was mad at something. Pak cik tu mengadu macam tu lah klinik kerajaan.. I just nodded in agreement. I don't even have the gut to go to a governement clinic if not for the HIV test which is mandatory to be done in a Klinik Kesihatan. Well that is life. The treatment is not free anyway. You pay with your dignity.

Today a friend told me how sad she felt because she didn't manage to do CP. Again that is life. You chase the doctors around, pretending that you don't even realize that the word 'dignity' exists. In the end you get rejected but you still turn away, smiling, though your heart bleeds to hypovolemic shock!

As for me, i write on so many pessimism lately, all because of yesterday's incidence. I think I have the sila-kemukakan-aduan-anda-disini appearance thus the numerous aduan I have received despite my whereabout.. but it's good you know, at least I know Allah tests me very lightly, and all I have to do is to pray and be patient :)

Friday

Ummi and Michael Jackson


Once Ummi told me she liked the song by Michael Jackson entitled "One Day In Your Life". It was Michael Jackson in his younger years, and his voice was still so youngish. An old song, probably it was very famous in Ummi's time. So as usual she asked Yasir to search for that song and download into her phone. Currently (for quite some time) she uses the song as her ringtone.

I was curious why does she like that song so much- and of course I searched for the lyric. I listen to songs depending on the lyrics. Some songs are good to boost your motivation, some are beneficial in making you feel insaf etc. But of course if it is useless, it IS useless. Don't torture your eardrums and cochlea unnecessarily.

When I inspected the lyric for the first time, I cruelly told her "I hate this song!". Why? Because the lyric is picturing someone who has been left behind and yet that person is very forgiving- ever ready to accept back the person who has left her, should 1 day he/she realizes her mistake. Ummi just smiled. I guess she is such a forgiving person.. Mothers always are!!!

This blog is so useless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't bother to read

It is now 16:55, I have just arrived in the hostel and haven't even performed my 'asr prayer.. That is the best medicine I need right now, and I mean it, I really need it... Few hundred minutes ago I thought I was so strong in braving the world, but now I'm crumbling to the tiniest ragged pieces right in the middle of everything that is fast forwarding.. I have never realized before (though I have anticipated earlier) that in this wide world, people who hate me soooo much do exist. I guess my mere existence is a subject to be despised of. Really I'm worn to tatters with those slicing words.

The idea of being 'punched' directly in my haggard face is not an alien anymore~ I've experienced it bitter and shocking. It makes me wonder, have I failed in strictly following the course outline on how to be a good muslimah???.........................

If I ask for a person's favour but that person refuse, then I won't go around accusing and getting mad. It's her option, It's her right. As far as I can remember, I have never even once in my 23 years of life, tell a people that her akhlaq is very buruk. Who am I to judge? As if my akhlaq is extremely perfect... I learn to accept people as they are, because I am perfectly aware that I am just another human being trying to share with others, the good points in life. But after all these, my soul has just been bashed to an irreversible death.

Really I am tired physically and psychologically hence the extra-useless article. Let me emphasize for i hope the last time, this blog is so useless! I have never asked anybody to read it by the way, and if anybody hate this blog as much as you hate me, don't bother to type the url ummuameer.blogspot.com~ This blog is not an ilmiah one truthfully, it was created merely to mark my insignificant existence in this world. Please.. let me share at least a tiny piece of the global digital world which I can call a 'home'.  

I'm losing bit by bit of my own personality~ Ohh it's dissolving and disappearing.. Awful-

I need to escape. Is there any hideout where I can seek refuge? I am in desperate need to be alone...

Wednesday

27th May 2007 Obstetric Analgesia- My group's seminar!

Allow me to begin by saying THANK YOU SO MUCH esp to my seminar mates- Hana, Izzati, Wani, Farhah (Paah), and of course to Prof Ariff and the staff nurse and kakak2 MLT (hehe tak ingat nama la). 

It was indeed an experience, for me, worth to be remembered forever :) And it was really nice working with you guys!! Walaupun everything pun last minute hehe~ isn't that very normal for a medical student? (huuuu)

Monitoring Station: Paah ngan Jetul kat Station Paah. Eleh jetul tu saje je sibuk2 dekat2 ngan paah hehe


Patient-Controlled Analgesia: I guess Hana is happy being the key-holder of that machine hehe


Epidural Analgesia Station: Izzati was the one manning the station. Tersenyum gembira dia hehe


Spinal Analgesia Station: Wani is busy with the spinal procedure


Resuscitation Station: My station but obviously it was not me in the pic. Err mimi I think

The activities are going on

I forgot one important pic!! Of Prof Ariff and Nurses huuu. They helped us a lot during the preparation period. All in all I was happy with the mini exhibition, Alhamdulillah :) Though I think after the second group my vocal cord screamed for some justice -haisyy-

Tuesday

A medical student searching for tiny bit of strength

Currently treating my wounded feeling in the freezing IIUM Library, hoping the sophisticated serenity would wash away the bitter memory in the labour room this morning. For the second time, i cried again in the territory of mothers-to-be, trying to create a world record perhaps and grab the title of 'the crying medical student' huu. This time it was no joke. For the third time, my patient was taken away from me.. 

I was the one who clerked the patient when she was admitted to the labour ward yesterday morning. And I was the one who accompanied Dato' checking on the patient and performing the vaginal examination early this morning. I was among the first to know that her cervical os was 5 cm when the nurses emphasized it was only 2cm. (as usual Dato' double checked the VE finding). I was the one who helped the nurse to change the patient into hospital gown. And yet, when I went out of the room just for a while, a student nurse claimed that the patient was hers.. Not even the tiniest anger tried to reside in my heart, instead i went to the prayer room, dialled Ummi's number and cried my heart out. Sedih sangat sangat sangat sangat...

Of course I knew better than to start an argument with her.. the nursing students were staff nurses who further their studies and specialize in midwifery.. I knew better than to argue with those who have more extensive experience and knowledge than me. I knew better than to argue with those who are older than me.. some of them are younger than Ummi only by few years.. and yet I still feel sad.

I just leave the labour room, worried that I might cry uncontrollably if I were to stay a bit longer, had breakfast with Mimi and straightaway headed for IIUM common room. Performed sunat dhuha to ease whatever tangled feelings invading my heart, sleep on the sejadah still clad in my telekung until a friend came in.

She told me how depressed she was, as not even a case presentation was done by her. She had tried her best chasing after the doctors just to present the cases that she had clerked, and yet until last night all her effort was fruitless. She was even rejected with reasons that are concluded as "I am busy". I have never seen a doctor who is not busy by the way. And that was when I realized she has been tested far heavier than me. At least I managed to do some case presentations before, and I had the chance to repair episiotomies before, I have only 1 more delivery to be conducted, I had the chance to observe twin delivery including siamese twin, I had the opportunity to witness anencephalic baby, breech and intrauterine death delivery, I was bestowed with so many bounties from Allah and yet here I am at the edge of giving up.

That little talk gave me enough to move on. And my seminar tomorrow? I promise that I'll try to give my best shot! insyaAllah :) I am hoping it would be a little bit different and special and something worth to be remembered forever :) Will try to upload pics on the event tomorrow!

As for now I am not planning to march into the labour room yet, not until I am well equipped with valour once again, tonight perhaps?.. Novak's gynae is anxiously waiting for me to flip through the pages and be specific, I am contented with Trophoblastic disease for the time being :D

Sunday

Maybe I should just move on?....

We miss you..

Saturday

The actual truth I think...

One can easily read 1000-pages novel x 4 (4 novels in a series for example the Twilight saga), non-stop until she/he has reached the very last fullstop of the last sentence of the last chapter of the last book, then only the person realizes he/she has to sadly internalize the bitter truth that the story has ended.. 

But..

One has to drag the heavy heart, torture the reluctant mind, and strain the refusing eyes just to read a 50-words paragraph on facts! Wondering along the way as when will the end finally emerges.. (please don't exclude the author)

So..

It justifies my super short factual articles and extra lengthy stories :p 

Viewing contraception via Islam's eyes..

Sheikh M. S. Al-Munajjid, a prominent Saudi Islamic lecturer and author, adds: 

"The answer to question of contraception is found in the following three points: 

1. Giving birth is the right of both husband and wife, and neither one of them has the right to deprive the other from doing so. 

2. It is prohibited to take any measure, which would permanently prevent pregnancy, or cause infertility. It is permissible, however, to use temporary birth control methods to delay pregnancy, as in the case of delaying pregnancy for the two years of breastfeeding the first child. 

3. It is prohibited to use any birth control method which would harm the body, as the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: 'Do not (impose) harm, nor (inflect) harm.'"

[Quoted, with slight modification, from: Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com)]

For full article, please read here

CALRIFICATION is URGENTLY NEEDED HERE :P

hoho, this is going to be a short entry to clarify things which i have written previously- BTL (ikat saluran peranakan). Undoubtedly, my response to a response from a friend who understood the whole story with a deviatory orientation (hehe, sorry ah-long dude).

Currently doing O&G (Sakit Puan & Perbidanan), we medical students are required to conduct delivery (jadi bidan sambut orang beranak :> ) for 10 births each. Everytime each student succeeded in conducting a delivery, they may ask the nurse to sign his/her logbook as a proof. It is the continuous assesment system. To put it in a simple way, if one is very hardworking in completing the logbook, then they would have higher chance to pass the posting, InsyaAllah :)

So instead of saying "I have conducted 3 deliveries", we students prefer to say, "I already have 3 kids". And instead of saying "I want to stop conducting deliveries because I have finished conducting 10 deliveries", we students prefer to say "I want to do BTL. Nak ikat je, tak nak beranak lagi" huu. But in 5th year, we have to conduct deliveries again, so that explains why we want to do BTL (if there is any chance in unligating the tube and conduct again in 5th year?? that explains why hysterectomy (buang rahim) is soo contraindicated in our case haha) So my previous article on BTL wasn't referring to BTL on myself but rather on my delivery conduction activity huuuuuu

Macamana org bleh ingat I wrote on the real BTL for myself? I do wonder... (it's kinda funny, and I laughed excessively when ah-long dude asked me about it) Huuu. Let me clarify, I am single (engaged of course), I am not married yet, I haven't planned anything on this married-life-discussion-regarding-kids, and yet planning on having BTL?? Huuuuuuuuuuu..............

By the way, 1 more kid and I'll be taking OCP until i meet O&G again in 5th year :p

Thursday

Bersyukur, bersabar, berIMAN??

I did one of the most humiliating thing today, i cried in the low-risk labour room haha. come to think of it, i definitely feel it was real funny!! i guess i was so tired doing on-call since last night, and then something happened this evening, i just couldn't stop myself from shedding few drops of tears huu.

It was nothing big. I wanted to conduct a delivery, suddenly the patient had delivered before i even had the chance to prepare. I cried because i felt so tired, and yet i didn't manage to conduct the delivery plus the usual lumpy reason- feeling extremely hungry and nobody (especially ummi) was around to paksa makan. I guess the psychiatrical habit of eating only after being told to do so and the refusal to eat when ummi tak paksa despite feeling extremely hungry still lingers around. How very lumpy! And then adela 2 org kakak nurse yg pujuk, huu. For a split second i stained the prophecy of my "Be Happy" regime, but Alhamdulillah i succeeded in putting everything under strict control haha. 

Abandoning my initial plan of staying in the labour room until tomorrow after Ummi's advice in view of my long journey to KL tomorrow insyaAllah, i prepared to go home. When I arrived at my car, it was really annoying to find another car was blocking my way (parked behind Shika and totally blocked my parking space). The owner wrote his phone number on a piece of paper and place it at his car wiper. So I called him, but the answer that I received was "Isteri saya nak bersalin ni. Nanti baru saya datang". I was like (dalam hati je la), "Encik ingat isteri encik bersalin 2 hingga 3 minit ke??? Ya Allah encik, nak bersalin tu berjam2. takkan nak block kereta saya berjam2???" Instead I told him I need to go back urgently. After waiting for quite a long time (which was stressful as well), and after calling him many times and sending him Allah-knows-how-many sms, he arrived and remove his car..

Well this is life. we are being tried and tested in so may manifestations, yet back to basic, everything is for testing the strength of our iman.. Bersyukurkah aku hari ini? Bersabarkah aku hari ini? Berimankah aku hari ini?.......... 

Barangsiapa yang bertakwa kepada Allah, nescaya Allah akan lepaskan ia dari masalah hidup Dan diberikannya rezeki dari sumber yang tidak diduga. Dan barangsiapa yang bertawakkal kepada Allah, nescaya Allah akan mencukupkan keperluannya. Sesungguhnya Allah melaksanakan urusan ( yang dikehendaki ) Nya. Sesungguhnya Allah telah mengadakan ketentuan bagi tiap-tiap sesuatu.

Tuesday

when can i undergo BTL??

I manage to slip into the library computer lab and post something here. anither 16 minutes before our seminar starts. Staying in the hospital since last night, with my on-call this evening until tonight, there's nothing more wonderful than collapsing in the serenity of my stuffy bedroom. But finally I have made up my mind to go home this weekend :)

Last night stay was unyielding other than few mililitres of lactic acid residing in between my muscle fibres

-Ok that was written yesterday-

a new chapter today ---->

i just can't wait to undergo a BTL (bilateral tubal ligation) after i have completed my family of 10 kids huuu. but still a long way to go before i can put an end to the delivery-searching activity (a replacement of branula-searching craziness). next in the list is case presentation craving!

Yesterday was TWIN DAY :) 3 twin deliveries: 2 normal deliveries plus 1 caesarean section. 2 pairs of girl and a pair of boys huu~ sgt sweet & cute!! To have a look-alike twin is very nice isn't it? Then they would have the chance to confuse people!! I think for the past 2 months (since the first time we read the chapter on Multiple Pregnancy (twin) ), one of the hottest topic among us (girls) is about twin, specifically "How can we get a twin?" Once we even tried searching the internet for tips to get a twin huhu (so pathetic. poor us)

i found a website which lists down the tips of getting a twin. so here goes..

1. Have a family history of twin especially on the maternal site (i fail on this one, and extremely jealous of a close friend who has strong family history of twin huu!)
2. Women with many children will have higher chance of having twin (the prospect isn't very bright either for me.. but maybe it's bright for another close friend who aims to have 12 kids!!)
3. Artificial conception (looks like i have to opt for in-vitro fertilization haha!)
4. bla bla
5. bla bla
and finally... we found something that we could at least try:::::---->
19. Eat YAM
12. Drink SOYA BEAN MILK

Yikes. I can just imagine my diet in the future- YAM & SOYA BEAN MILK everyday! Absurd~ Well that was just for fun aong us. seriously getting a twin isn't easy especially in the milk, diapers and soprano department, with possible sleep deprivation for the mum. And last evening when i was waiting for a patient to deliver, a nursing student, the patient and me had a chit chat.

well one of the topic was undoubtedly TWIN. nursing student tu kata "Akak kahwin dengan kembar (her husband has a twin), adik akak sendiri kembar, tp anak tak kembar pun"
I said, "Anak akak baru lima. Akak tuggulah yang kesembilan dan kesepuluh insyaAllah kembar!" Haha we laughed over the subject.

But it's a hard life for her. She is a nurse, currently specializing in midwifery. She has 5 kids at home, the youngest is 1 year old. It was quite late- around 9pm when we were waiting for the [atient to deliver. Kakak tu has been in the labour room since 9am in the morning but not even a single delivery was conducted by her- takde rezqi. She almost cried when she was about to go home, telling me "Akak tinggalkan patient ni dengan adik la ye (me), akak nak kena balik dah ni, sedih tak dpt sambut, tp kesian kata anak2 menuunggu kat rumah..." Seriously it was a touching moment, when i actually SHOULD feel happy to have the patient all for myself.. She is so unlike me who can just grab the car key, drive to the hospital in the middle of the night, stay for almost 48 hours in the hospital and never go back, and when i arrive in the hostel after 2 days in the hopsital, i don't have to worry about anything other than reimbursing my sleep. How very easy life is for me... I don't even have to bother to feed anybody..

But the hard truth hits me, it is going to be worse when we woman become doctors! Rumah yang huru hara ke? never mind i have ample time to think about it :p

Sunday

....

I have like 14 minutes to complete this. Haha for sure I can write a novel in the 1-hour SPM English Essay Paper, provided that rumblings are allowed. 14 minutes before what? Before I have to make a journey in the most reluctant manner to Hana's room downstair and start again on Ovarian cancer ~sigh~ I've been wasting my time the whole morning doing Allah-knows-what-because-I-myself-am-not-sure, by all means I have to compensate. 

Okay another 11 minutes, trying very hard to archive my life lately into something which i call a 'blog' and which i hope i can pass on to my children or probably i will read them later myself, and surprise myself with my own history (huhuuu). I am still surprised because the 'be-happy' regime still hasn't expired (what???) ALHAMDULILLAH. Though I am quite worried and anxious with the spookiness of our home (huh??)

When I become a surgeon (eh?) one day or an O&G, i really should remember the date 15th May 2009 when I for the first time repaired an episiotomy wound, which marked my first time stitching a real tissue! Huu how soo lame it sounds~ Hehe this is the memoir of a 3rd year medical student after all!

My Labour Room posting starts tomorrow insyaAllah, how I hope I would be able to complete my logbook for the Labour Conduction section. INSYAALLAH. And here I am thinking whether I should go back this coming weekend but in view of my alarming financial status (huuuuuu), I really should try to cut up on transportation expenditure..  perhaps and perhaps..  The hard fact of being a student= mujahid fi sabilillah..

Saturday

Of carelessness, I only deserve a Pasar Malam's!!!

Today I am kind of depressed a bit~ because I lost my matric card (few days ago) and just about to slowly sip in the bitter truth after extensive search at all possible places i could think of.. It merely means I have to rake out RM50 from my already skinny purse, just to get a new one. And I don't plan to order the official name tag just yet huu (the one that Dr and medical students use). I'm broke~

And as I had anticipated, Ummi was kinda upset with this huu~ she has not yet been desensitized towards this kind of thing though she had experienced similar episodes for uncountable times!! let us see how i kept forgotting where did i put my purse when i was at home, and created a havoc each time i wanted to go out (my driving license!!)

Again for uncountable times, I accidentally left my handphone or handphone chargers or other things at home everytime I come back to the campus after a weekend at home or after a long holiday; which created the habit in Ummi to say out loud the checklist of things which i shouldn't leave behind huu

When I had just started my 1st year in Kuantan, I lost my room key. However I managed to persuade my roommates to leave the door unlocked even during long holidays! Only recently I bought a new key which costed me precious RM50! huu

And (no wonder) Ummi couldn't believe it when i told her i bought a pair of new watches yesterday huu. She asked me where were all the watches that abah had bought earlier?? Oopsss.. that question left me wondering either ~sigh~ Let me go through the history- my first Swatch which was so sweet, (with a train continuously moving around the clock face, and blue straps). Abah bought it in Switzerland. It just disappeared.... Next was the silver Dalvina which he bought in Singapore.. It too just disappeared.... Next was dark blue Dunlop which he bought in Mecca-  one could also guess its fate.... Then he bought me another Swatch- this time it is pink. I love it soo much that I couldn't bear the idea of losing it which made me feel reluctant to wear it... and Yup!!! I have never worn it until now. Still in its case, stowed in an antique brown bag, put on top of my cupboard and the bag was left to collect dust! Haha. It has been so long that the battery has expired! Once in a while I check on the watch, appreciating while wearing that forlorn look for not able to wear it -haissyyy- In between I had numerous Pasar Malam watches.. but not much different than the others, they just disappeared. I think watches and me lack the chemistry to stay together!

Last week when I had to count a patient's pulse in front of Dr Suhaiza during our class, in the few extremely embarassing moments when I had to beg for my group mate's sympathy to time while I counted the pulse (and I ended up counting wrongly), I was very determined to buy a watch. Plus Dr Suhaiza's emphasis that a doctor should have a watch with jarum saat!! 

And after discussing for many days with a friend (who has the same habit of losing watches haha) that we should buy a new watch.. I ended paying a generous amount for a pair of watches! Only to get a nice piece of 'advice' from Ummi haha. 

I really deserve a Pasar Malam watch!!!!!!!!!! That explains why I like cheap things, as I won't experience the guilt of losing them :p

Thursday

being a bit secretive :p

Weekend is nearing and I guess my quest to have a nice weekend at home isn't a feasible one. And I fail in wiping off the memory of an important thing which i have to attend to this weekend. The fact that our mandarin class tonight is on doesn't help a bit in nurturing my laziness -sigh- maybe i should learn few negative mandarin words to help me to whine, then I won't hesitate to practise using them here in this blog huu.

I am about to wave gynaecology ward goodbye, when I have just started to feel at home in the ward. And grabbing others' patients (haha, WITH PERMISSION) to be my clerking victims huu. How I hope I would have more chances to present cases, and run a demolishment project of all fumblings and mumblings during the show. (CPs, exams, short cases are all about showing and acting~ at least that is what the doctors keep saying!) 

I have a weak & soft side for those who feel unmotivated, because I very frequently experience the same thing. You know , probably (and I am trying very hard to put the blame) it is the oestrogenic character as opposed to the testosteronic influence. A surge or an urge to hold out your hand and reach~ reach for what?? heh heh I don't know. If you can make even a small contribution by reaching out, which in turn will put some sense in someone's brain, and make a whole big difference in the person's life, then I guess the effort is worthy of something called 'humanity'. 

And now I am wonderingly asking myself why am I jotting down all these? Probably I feel so grateful because when I am being all unreasonable and emotional, I have so many people around me who are always ready and available to knock some sense into my anomalic perception. But sometimes I see people who are in real need of some sense and motivation, but I know I am not the best person to do so, and it leaves me feeling so helpless and useless -sigh- waiting for a superman to save the day. 

It's really frustrating, but life's like that. Selfish, mean and all. I don't know, probably the best that I can do is to pray to Allah so that He will take care of everything. Do'a and tawakkal without trying? That is soooo WRONG! hmmmm

Wednesday

May I become stronger

I had my case presentation today, a mind boggling case with unsure diagnosis, and the patient told me things different from what she told the Dr, which made me feel very upset with her, but all in all I think I deserve a weekend at home (despite the most terrible CP on earth haha), yet I don't have the energy to travel back huu..

Anyway, i think i'd be safer in Kuantan (huhuu) for the time being with all the on-going extraordinaires back home (hmmmmmm) although i am screaming from the inner side to indulge into the chocoalate-making-experiments..

And I would like to dedicate this song to whoever deserves it :) May I become stronger with each day, and may you too!

Langkah Tercipta
Album : Langkah Tercipta
Munsyid : Unic

Semalam aku kelukaan,
Kecewa kehampaan,
Mencalar ketabahan,
Impian seringku harapkan menjadi kenyataan
Namun tak kesampaian,

Allah…
Inginku hentikan langkah ini
Bagaikan tak mampu untuk ku bertahan
Semangat tenggelam lemah daya,
Haruskah aku mengelamun jiwa
Ku berbisik inilah dugaan

Dan langkahku kini terbuka
Pada hikmah dugaan uji keimanan
Dan dilontarkannya ujian diluar kekuatan setiap diri insan

Allah…
Pimpini diriku,
Untuk bangkit semula meneruskan langkah perjuangan ini
Cekalkan hati dan semangatku
Kurniakan ketabahan........
Agar mimpi jadi nyata..
padaMu ku meminta

Dan ku mohon agung kudratMu
Wahai Tuhan Yang Satu
Segalanya dariMu 


Saturday

Allow me to put a fullstop for a while

I guess this would be my last post for the time being.. uhuh I've been surfing the net and blogging for 1 whole day! (and yet I have - let's see approximately 1 full container of stories to write) in between glances at Novak's Gynae Textbook on things (probably) related to pelvic mass or pain or abnormal bleeding (huu I truly should hold up high the white flag this time around) because insyaAllah my coming week officially starts in a few minutes huhuuuu~ doing extra on-call tonight, and my official on-call tomorrow morning till 4.30pm- the vampire will be off the leash again (I have no problem being a vampire if I could be as graceful as Alice Cullen haha). If my performance is good this week, then maybe I won't hesitate to treat myself to a weekend at home! (while trying to wipe off the vague memory that I've been booked for a programme huu~)

Ok, that's it for now. Whoever is reading this, don't forget to pray the best for me~ 

Pain is still in the air..




in loving memory...
our family member has just passed away and buried in kampong subang area.
it was tot the cat...cod. hit and run accident victim...
and..that is the end of our beloved tot..
in time, tears would dry up..
but nothing could ever replace him..
so long tot

I thought all my tears for Tot had dried out, but the pain of losing him remains.. and I am crying for him again.. 

Happy Ummi's Day!!


I have just finished having lunch with abah and ummi, they came to Kuantan just for car exchange (huu remember my article on Shika Jr that smelled 'smelly'...) so Shika Jr is back with me :) Huu kesiannya they have to come such a long way Kl-Kuantan, and after the lunch I arrived in UIA far much sooner than for them to arrive home (sedih sedih) Huu if I were to think of the tiring on-calls and studying, and classes and.... they are nothing compared to what our parents' had done for us.. kan? kan? huuuu. And since tomotrrow is Mother's Day (but to me everyday is Mother's Day! Why? Because I know everyday Ummi loves me and that makes everyday special hehe), I would like to post this... which I copied from Bayt Amzar's blog with permission ---->

Orang kata aku lahir dari perut mak.. 

(bukan org kata...memang betul) 

Bila dahaga, yang susukan aku.... mak 
Bila lapar, yang suapkan aku.... mak 
Bila keseorangan, yang sentiasa di sampingku.. .. mak 


Kata mak, perkataan pertama yang aku sebut.... Mak 
Bila bangun tidur, aku cari.... mak 
Bila nangis, orang pertama yang datang .... mak 
Bila nak bermanja, aku dekati.... mak 
Bila nak bergesel, aku duduk sebelah.... mak 


Bila sedih, yang boleh memujukku hanya.... mak 
Bila nakal, yang memarahi aku.... mak 
Bila merajuk, yang memujukku cuma.... mak 
Bila melakukan kesalahan, yang paling cepat marah.... mak 


Bila takut, yang tenangkan aku..... mak 
Bila nak peluk, yang aku suka peluk.... mak 
Aku selalu teringatkan .... mak 
Bila sedih, aku mesti talipon.... mak 
Bila seronok, orang pertama aku nak beritahu..... mak 
Bila bengang.. aku suka luah pada.. mak 


Bila takut, aku selalu panggil... "mmaaakkkk! " 
Bila sakit, orang paling risau adalah.... mak 
Bila nak exam, orang paling sibuk juga.... mak 
Bila buat hal, yang marah aku dulu.... mak 
Bila ada masalah, yang paling risau.... mak 
Yang masih peluk dan cium aku sampai hari ni.. mak 


Yang selalu masak makanan kegemaranku.... mak 
kalau balik ke kampung, yang selalu bekalkan ulam & lauk pauk..... mak 
Yang selalu simpan dan kemaskan barang-barang aku.... mak 


Yang selalu berleter kat aku... mak 
Yang selalu puji aku.... mak 
Yang selalu nasihat aku.... mak 
Bila nak kahwin..Orang pertama aku tunjuk dan rujuk..... mak 


Aku ada pasangan hidup sendiri.... 


Bila seronok, aku cari....pasanganku 
Bila sedih, aku cari.... mak 

Bila berjaya, aku ceritakan pada....pasanganku 
Bila gagal, aku ceritakan pada.... mak 


Bila bahagia, aku peluk erat....pasanganku 
Bila berduka, aku peluk erat.... emakku 



Bila nak bercuti, aku bawa....pasanganku 
Bila sibuk, aku hantar anak ke rumah.... mak 


Selalu.. aku ingat pasanganku 
Selalu.. mak ingat kat aku

Bila-bila... aku akan talipon pasanganku
Entah bila... aku nak talipon mak 

Selalu...aku belikan hadiah untuk pasanganku 
Entah bila... aku nak belikan hadiah untuk emak 

Renungkan: 
"Kalau kau sudah habis belajar dan berkerja... bolehkah kau kirim wang untuk mak?
mak bukan nak banyak... lima puluh ringgit sebulan pun cukuplah". 
Berderai air mata jika kita mendengarnya........ 

Tapi kalau mak sudah tiada..... ..... 
MAKKKKK...RINDU MAK.... RINDU SANGAT.... 



Berapa ramai yang sanggup menyuapkan ibunya..... 
berapa ramai yang sanggup mencuci muntah ibunya..... 
berapa ramai yang sanggup mengantikan lampin ibunya..... 
berapa ramai yang sanggup membersihkan najis ibunya....... 
berapa ramai yang sanggup membuang ulat dan membersihkan luka kudis ibunya.... 
berapa ramai yang sanggup berhenti kerja untuk menjaga ibunya..... 


dan akhir sekali berapa ramai yang sembahyang JENAZAH ibunya...... 
Seorang anak mendapatkan ibunya yang sedang sibuk menyediakan makan malam di dapur lalu menghulurkan sekeping kertas yang bertulis sesuatu. Si ibu segera mengesatkan tangan di apron menyambut kertas yang dihulurkan oleh si anak lalu membacanya.Kos upah membantu ibu:


1) Tolong pergi kedai : RM4.00
2) Tolong jaga adik : RM4..00
3) Tolong buang sampah : RM1.00
4) Tolong kemas bilik : RM2.00
5) Tolong siram bunga : RM3.00
6) Tolong sapu sampah : RM3.00
Jumlah : RM17.00 
Selesai membaca, si ibu tersenyum memandang si anak sambil sesuatu berlegar-legar si mindanya. Si ibu mencapai sebatang pen dan menulis sesuatu di belakang kertas yang sama.


1) Kos mengandungkanmu selama 9 bulan - PERCUMA
2) Kos berjaga malam kerana menjagamu - PERCUMA
3) Kos air mata yang menitis keranamu - PERCUMA
4) Kos kerunsingan kerana bimbangkanmu - PERCUMA
5) Kos menyediakan makan minum, pakaian, dan keperluanmu -PERCUMA
Jumlah Keseluruhan Nilai Kasihku - PERCUMA

Air mata si anak berlinang setelah membaca apa yang dituliskan oleh siibu. Si anak menatap wajah ibu,memeluknya dan berkata, 

"Saya Sayangkan Ibu". Kemudian si anak mengambil pen dan menulis "Telah Dibayar" pada mukasurat yang sama ditulisnya.

To me? The first part is TOTALLY right. The persons that I LOVE MOST in this world are UMMI and ABAH. I doubt that the fact will change even after my marriage.. But of course I will equally love my future husband.. in a different way :) I think my heart was created in portions! ~Gasp~ The portion for my parents will eternally be for them. But then there are other portions, for my family, my spouse, my friends, my muslim relatives, for Tot (huu) and guess what is the biggest portion for??? Hehe for Allah & His Messenger insyaAllah :D
Bila baca second part regarding pasangan, I become so afraid of the future.. Ya Allah jangan kau jadikan aku anak yang durhaka... Ameen

Me in 60 years time

I don't know what is wrong with me because I keep bringing home weird stories huu. I am sure everybody (medical students) in their daily hospital life come across experiences which are more or less the same or very much similar to mine~ except that maybe I am more sensitive to the surrounding, and pay more attention to unimportant details which paint the canvas of my life with wonderful and uncountable hues :) And 1 more thing, I have imagination that runs wild, when I can even encourage myself to go the sleek IIUM library because I imagine myself alone in Hogwarts' old and mysterious library, and I loved attending classes in Matric (except for SAMWP) simply because I loved the steps near to UKC and the Stad building~ it reminded me of the steps in Gryffindor tower. And I loved classes in AX (annexe) because the word itself is so mysterious, it reminded me of a story- Diary of Anna something during world war or something like that.

Durham Cathedral cloisters used to film the Harry Potter movies (Hogwart). The Cathdral dates back to 1096 and St Cuthbert's tomb within the Cathedral was a place of pilgrimage in the Middle Ages. This is IIUM in my world

So back to reality, I actually want to write on today's story hehe.

My branula-searching activity is still very rampant these days (haha) So last nite after getting  long "advices" from the chinese houseman Dr (sorry I don't know his name huu) which goes around:

"You start with the vein at the dorsum of the hand k. Don't start higher. If the vein at the dorsum has bumped (leaking and can't b used anymore) you can still use the higher vein. But if you start higher, then once it is bumped, all the lower veins can't be used"

Me: okay

"You don't be tamak k, just use the pink branula" (Tamak means you want to use a big branula so that  it would be easier for fluid or drug admin. Pink is the smallest branula as far as I know)

Me: Okay, I always use pink (Smiling. For the sole reason that I am not competent and skillful enough to use other than pink branula haha)

"You don't forget to flush the hep saline k"

Me: okay

"You don't be kedekut with the blood k. When you take blood, ambil banyak so that you don't have to puncture the patient banyak kali"

Me: "Eh Dr, I just want to insert the branula. I don't want to take any blood" (berkata sambil dalam hati ada kemalasan yang melampau untuk mengambil darah)

"So you just want to top-up the trolley??" (he asked in surprise because I was holding a bunch of syringes which I had grabbed from the procedure room earlier)

Me: This is for flushing the hep saline (sengih and straightaway ran away to save myself from being bullied that night hehe)

Pushing my much-prized NOISY and EMBARASSING blood-taking trolley, I went to the first bed. I met an ex-ophthalmologist of HTAA :)  in the ward as a patient of course. I didn't know the fact earlier and I just wanted to insert a branula into her vein, but the first thing that made me feel surprised was when she asked me to use the butterfly branula (which is usually used on patients with collapsed veins such as in renal failure) because she told me her veins had calcified (hardened and narrow with calcium deposit). Of course I said I would try using the pink first (because I don't know how to use the butterfly branula) She's an Indian and spoke to me in English and she talked on few other things which made me wonder her previous job. That was when I asked her. Almost reaching the ripe age of 80, she was very frail, and weak, and couldn't even sit up on her own. It seems like everything has kind of reached the expiry date, save 1- the brain. She was very wise, and she still remember the name of drugs!

A nurse handed her a tablet drug, and she told me, "I think this is Adalat. We called it Adalat, but I think they have a new name for it now" I replied, "It is still called Adalat" :) Then we talked on medical schools, and many other issues, all the while me visioning myself in 60 years time- I'm not going to be much different from her :)

But hopefully I would be much closer to God by that time, insyaAllah. A non Muslim always hope with time and with increasing age, so would their wisdom develop. But for the muslim, there shoud be few extra things!- With increasing age,  hopefully our amal, iman and taqwa would also increase! INSYALLAH

Friday

Ini cerita malam tadi

Last night I went to Medical ward (8b and 8c) to look for branula (the needle poked into a patient for drug or fluid adminstration) as I was determined to at least fill something in my logbook (we could ask for the Dr's signature when we do procedures like inserting a branula or taking blood).

To my surprise, my first patient was an englishman probably in his 50s or 60s. He had stroke with left sided paralysis. I gulped when I realized I had to insert a branula in him, simply because he was surrounded by so many family members!!! And I just knew how the westerners are like....

I didn't ask about his background. But when i talked to a woman (I assumed she was the wife), the woman asked me to talk to the patient himself. You know they expect the Doctor-Patient relationship to flourish haha. And of course they didn't know that I was just a medical student!

Then when I had all the things ready, I asked for the patient's permission and started to work on the branula. I was so unlucky when the family members crowded around me, getting closer and closer, trying to get a good view of what I was about to do. 

And you know how westerners are like, they are CURIOUS unlike us. They are thirsty for INFORMATION, again unlike us. Inserting a branula is like bread and butter of ward work, but the family memebrs turned it into an amazing experience for them~ merely by watching a medical student inserting a branula!! hahahahaha

Ok, here's the story---->

I pushed the blood-taking trolley to the patient's bedside. They watched the trolley in a very interested manner

I put the necessary things into the kidney dish, and they looked eager to know the list of things..

I wore the disposable gloves, and they kind of 'usha' my hands haha- pakai glove pun best ke. I thought they were trying to see how sterile would I go. So aku yg jahat ni put on the gloves slowly, giving them the curiosity of watching me at work haha.

Then I searched for a chair pulak, and sat on it, and took the patient's hand trying to search for a big vein (well I can only insert a branula in a BIG vein, otherwise it won't go in. I am not an expert at it actually :p)

Pastu pukul2 the dorsum of the hand (the medical students would know that this is the trick done by the nurses to make the veins more visible as if they are going to jump out of the skin!)

So when I was about to push in the needle- that was the CLIMAX! They came closer and mimicked the angle of my hand, give running commentary just like the Croc Hunter, telling each other that a doctor need to be very skillful, and the angle of needle insertion has to be precise bla bla bla. It was really funny. 

And then they asked regarding the heparin, its purpose, so I enjoyed the extra minutes explaining to them that it is used to prevent blood clotting haha (a first year medical student pun dah tahu, so i am far from brainy by knowing that hehe, but you know still it was kinda enjoying to do the explanation. Sungguh jahat)

Finally they were curious about the tegaderm- the clear plastic used to secure the branula in place. And I sadly explained the last bit- regretting that the session has ended hehehehe

By the way, what I learnt from that event, it won't hurt me to ask silly questions. It may sound silly to others but if it is going to be beneficial for me then why not?? And I am going to train my kids to be curious and outspoken just like the westerners, so very opposite of me :)

Rare cases and a CAMERA

Alhamdulillah I have presented the ovarian teratoma case to Dr Azha this morning :D And today I managed to observe quite a number of cases in the operation theatre.

There are just soo many things to tell within such a short time huu. I'm having a headache but it DEFINITELY has to go away (because if it doesn't then I'm going to pretend its disappearance huhu) as I am determined to go to the ward tonight.

Early this morning I started my day by visiting my patient (an 8 year old girl with ovarian teratoma), and one couldn't be more true if they say I was dead anxious to present the case huu. But to my expectation the patient was far more anxious and frightened than me. She is still very young, and the idea of undergoing an operation was very unacceptable to her! So I sat beside her bed, talked nonsensely (my expertise haha) to her. Her mum planted the idea that she was going for a photography session, then I said she would even sleep during the session, and would only wake up after the 'photography' session had ended. A thin (normal la kan) and small sized girl, she gave me the permission to do the inspection on her abdomen. And I made a fuss and excitedly asking her whether she had got a baby inside hahaha. She looked exactly like a pregnant women in probably 6 months of pregnancy!! Sungguh comel hehe- a mini mum! But of course the real truth threatens to be ugly as malignancy (cancer) couldn't be ruled out huu (how much luckier I am not to be tested with such thing~ entahkan aku mampu bersabar dengan keimanan yang tipis ini). Itu cerita dalam ward

This morning I was appointed (unofficially of course) by the surgeon (Dr Anita) to be the camerawoman in the operation theatre, using her camera. Ovarian teratoma in an 8 year old girl is rare! And a huge one~ At that time I really wanted to have my own photos. For the previous rare cases which I had the chance to witness, I used Hana's handphone camera to capture all the photos, or sometimes (for example in the siamese twin delivery) I used the nurses' haha. Menumpang orang je tau~ The thing is my handphone is not equipped with a camera haha how uncivilized :p Ummi's handphone pun ade camera. Then I was desperate as the surgeon was about to cut the patient and plucked off the ovary, but I still didn't have any picture of the cute girl. Huu sedih sedih, truthfully at that time I was determined to buy a camera on the very same day.  And to be truthful, I didn't manage to capture any personal picture until the operation has ended. Sedih sangat la konon2nya.. Suddenly I was reminded of Asma' who suggested that I buy a camera..

After a while I joined the operation in the next operation theatre (OT). Placenta praevia with suspected placenta accreta. Placenta accreta is a very much rarer event (which was emphasized by Dr Anita in a surprised tone when I innocently asked her in not a very interested voice haha, "Is it rare?"). And the OT was packed with paeds doctors, O&G doctors, nurses, very much similar to the delivery of simaese twin. Surgery was conducted by Dr Hakim (my mentor hehe). I was excited to look at the placenta becuase I thought they were going to take out the uterus as well and I would be able to appreciate the adhesion of the placenta to the uterine wall, take some pics etc. Again I felt upset when I realized that I had no camera (by the way Hana for some reason didn't join the operations today so i couldn't use her handphone camera)

Until Zohor I kept thinking of buying a camera and Asma's suggestion. Then I took a nap. I pondered upon the matter for such a long time and in such an unimaginable depth.. until afterwards I felt so upset with myself huuu

I think I am most ungrateful with whatever that I have. When I was about to enter clinical years, I asked abah for a car. He bought Shika Jr and lends it to me. It makes my life much easier but then there are so many people without a car. Ada yg anak dah 3 orang pun tak mampu beli kereta, then I realized how arrogant I am...

I still have lavender-kun and I am thinking of buying a new laptop huhuhuu (for some reason which i thought I could justify huu) , luckily my fiance was fiercely against it.

ALHAMDULILLAH :)

And now I feel sad JUST because I don't have a camera when everbody else's handphones are equipped with 1~ my dear batul, do you realize that you are being so UNREASONABLE??

So I push away the thought of buying a camera huu, I guess a handphone is enough. And He gives me a good brain which can store the images of the rare cases which I have encountered insyaAllah. THANK YOU ALLAH!

Thursday

The fact and fate finally accepted! Err it's not very suitable for reading huu

I guess my "be-happy' regime works so far (hahaha) Alhamdulillah, does one really need a regime just to be happy??? (wonder.. wonder) :p But today I managed to FINALLY almost finish my part of the obs notes- save 2: Obs Analgesia & post partum haemorrhage (huu after such a looong time), and because I have decided that I should at last act like a mature and responsible medical student (and here I am innocently wondering why does that sounds so weird and nerdy??) and happily accept the fact that I'm an MS!! btw MS doesn't mean Multiple Sclerosis or Mitral Stenosis, it is the nurses' way of addressing Medical Student~

So here I am feeling happy despite being at the end of 4th week of O&G posting and my logbook is far from full.. no worry, it signals that i have to work harder :) And so many things just don't work the way i want them to be but then again almost everything in this world happens to be like that (huh). 

If I were to be given the opportunity to choose, then I would choose to be the Sleeping Beauty (it coincides with my main interest which is sleeping) huu, and wait for a handsome prince to come my way, plant a kiss which would waken me up in a dreamland. But still in reality I choose to stay wide awake in the labour room (though sometimes i keep drifting into dreamless slumber in the ward pantry huu) or roaming the gloomy HTAA compound (probably because I am guessing it right that nobody is going to fulfill the silly dream of the sleeping beauty hehe:p), clad in the ugly and much-despised white coats (instead of flowing glittering white ball gown or lacey and frilly sweet white nighties embedded with cute silk pink roses), allowing my olfactory receptors to recognize & digest the nauseating smell of liquour and ketone breath (well I'm going to smell that way when I deliver a baby as well huu) instead of delightfully enjoying the scent of lovely chocolate fragrance or the homely bread smell in our kitchen..

I choose to force myself to stay wide awake while enduring 'boring' yet extremely important lectures in the dull lecture halls or the not-so-attractive seminar rooms instead of lazing around with Ummi watching Indonesian sinetron (gah)

I choose to be drilled while doing presentations to the Doctors or to be scolded by the nurses  instead of relaxing at home enjoying cup after cup of chocolate drink while entertaining myself with books (because obviously i don't really drink caffeine, including cappucino haha)

So the point is, if one think being a doctor is glamorous, then the person is deviated 36o degrees! I have choosen a path which i was not familiar with (there isn't even a doctor in my family), i have gone through the long and extra dark phase of resentment and regret, BUT I THINK (lately) i have just started to accept everything with gratitude :) Alhamdulillah I think I am in the acceptance phase :) How I hope I will continue to be in acceptance throughout the worst period which is housemanship years!

But still in the not-so-bright a life, He continues to entertain me with things that I love doing (hehe). Occasioanlly the poor MS still had the chance to step into the cool shopping complex last week.. and treated myself to a pair of wedges! (hahaha) 

And because I am not-so-happy-to-go-to-the-hospital-yet-i-feel-so-guilty, He send the rain (the dark clouds threaten me with buffaloes-and-elephant rain) so that it justifies my feeling hehe. Alhamdulillah. But still the ovarian teratoma case which i intend to present in the operation theatre tomorrow awaits me (hopefully i can present huu)

If i still have the chance, I would like to say thank you to Ummi & Abah who had bravely and patiently endured my resentment and regret all these years , my extra dose of crying and sulking, my ample whining and stress huu

Thank you to my sisters who have shown their endless support in my accidental quest to become a doctor.

My 2 brothers whom I love very much just for being my brothers!!

Thank you to my comrades who have helped me in going through the worst period in Kuantan, especially the clinical years huu

Thank you Kak fatin for your own recipe of Chicken Soup which managed to boost a little of my motivation

Thank you to those who have imparted their knowledge to me throughout my 23 years of life

Thank you Prof Nasa for the fatherly talk which succeded in planting a bit of positivism in me

Thank you to those who have existed in my life, excellently playing any role be it big or small in my life play

Thank you to you who have opened the gate of your life and allowed me to walk through it.. and be a significant part residing in your heart

above all, THANK YOU ALLAH for granting me such a wonderful life in this world, surrounded by wonderful people. And I am begging You for Your mercy and love to grant me with such wonderful life in the hereafter..

Wednesday

Rubbish again hehe

Alhamdulillah I have just changed the blog layout! In view of my new azam which is to always be cheerful :p (berjaya ke tak ni ntahla), I chose a bright pink birdy huhu; among other essential activities which i have persoanlly outlined (hahaha) including getting complete meal 3 times a day (since too many people are urging me to put on weight, and which make me feel unimaginably confused since people go on diet before their marriage and not put on weight!!! uhuuh now I am more convinced that the world has turned totaly upside down...)

I'm trying to be fast with these few entries. i wanted to write on so many things which had happened in the last few days.. so the usual invalid reason- no time huu. 

First thing, we had episiotomy workshop yesterday sponsored by B Braun. And i felt so happy when Dr Azha said my suture was excellent huu (perasan betul la haha) and Dr Suhaiza said it was suitable for facial plastic surgery (bertambah lagi perasan haha)

Second thing I conducted the 3rd delivery few days ago, at the high risk labour room.. and i was being cruelly lectured (i mean i deserved it, but still it was done in a very frightening manner) . I was scolded right from the start.. all the way til i finished. Rasa nak menangis tu adela, but when the houseman said it was normal even for them, terubatla jugak hati huu. 

Sunday

Today's lesson

At 4.35pm

While writing this, I’m still in Shika Jr (Naza Suria that abah lends me) at Putra Gombak., waiting for a friend to arrive
While writing this I’m in desperate need of a toilet because just before I started my journey back to Kuantan, Ummi made corn shake which I drank almost 1 big mug 
While writing this I exchange smses with Ummi telling her how depressed I feel waiting here
While writing this I feel like crying because this is not the first time I experience such thing- tunggu orang for almost 1 hour
But Ummi told me to be patient because everything happens with hikmah
When Ummi said that I feel like crying even more because I regret the nasty feeling that I had earlier.. why can’t I be as patient as ummi, as husnuddzan as her? Huu my dear, ISTAGHFIRILLAH!!!!!! 

Now at 5.30pm..

While writing this, I’m at Petronas R&R Genting Sempah. Kenapelah asyik buka laptop je through out this journey? Huu. 
While writing this, I’m waiting for abah to arrive huu kesiannya abah kena datang sini, I think I burden him the most huu. Huu my dear, bila la nak jadi independent?? 
While driving, I thought I smelled something burning.. from the engine. Hai Shika Jr, you are not yet 1 year old! 
While writing this, I’m sitting in the driver’s seat facing the opened engine compartment. Oh my, I have never opened the engine compartment before!! Terkial-kial cari where is the lever to pull it up huhu. And luckily my friend knows how to check the engine coolant haha. If I were alone, I think the only think I’d be capable of doing is dial abah’s no and report huu. I’m so useless when it comes to engines & gadgets –sigh-

While writing this I am aware people walking pass Shika Jr are staring at us, wondering why are we parked at Petronas Genting Sempah, enjoying food and beverages (while typing using Lavender-kun) in a car with exposed engine haha. 

Now at 10.30pm..

I am already in Kuantan. Finally started the journey from Genting Sempah at approx 7pm and arrived at 9.30pm, Ended up driving Bestari instead of Shika huu. I'm tired but I have all the reasons in this world to become a good Doctor!! Huu, will try to work hard :) But beauty sleep comes first, and a nice long 2 months of O&G posting for me :D

Of Chocolates!


Today I feel so happy because I managed to make chocolates this morning :p it washes away a small part of the sadness which I was enveloped in (simply because i really hate going back to Kuantan huuu, who doesn't??)
I learnt chocolate-making technique almost 1 year ago, where I learnt bread-making, and I have never tried making it at home, so yeah today was my first!
Chocolate making isn't that easy. Anybody can make chocolates, but to make a tasty chocolate, which is glossy, doesn't have air bubbles, doesn't melt at room temperature, which snaps bla bla bla.. isn't a piece of cake. It's a chocolate! And truthfully I am far from satisfied from this morning's experiment product (T_T) but never mind, I can try again and again and again until I find the perfect technique & recipe (then of course I am going to make Ferrero Rocher's maker cries in disbelief and amazement haha)
And I'm already thinking of making a business out of it huu. When I indulged in bakery, I dreamt of starting some sort of a delicatessen 1 day, then I dreamt of opening a cake house, and now I am dreaming of owning a candy cottage where I can sell all sorts of home-made candies! The one and only thing which i am still not keen in having is....... (which i think ummi is regretting huu) my own clinic!!
Anyway, gotta work hard on the chocolate experiment (huh?? shouldn't i be working hard on O&G subjects???) as I am seriously thinking of starting this chocolate business huu. And no worry, I've got Yasir's tummy to drain all the chocolate experiment products!!!

Friday

It's hard to mould myself into a mujahidah

Listened to Dr Azam's lecture on career, on choice, on..  and felt like crying

I'm all worked up and worn out by the negativism and i could sense a teary episode coming my way.. -sigh- may Allah always help and guide me in this exhaustive journey

O Allah i feel so tired but then a mujahidah is meant to be tired.. right?

Wednesday

I am going to miss your presence...

Bila ada pertemuan mesti ada perpisahan. And I think I handle separation very badly. I should learn how to say goodbye in a proper manner. And that explains why I have phobia for new things, new situations, new friendships etc, because I can't bear going through the separation that follows..

Today my mood is not in a very good shape. Internet connection was terrible last night, and I woke up so many times (ahh sleepless night) just to check on the connection (urggghhhhh I am such an internet addict!!). Didn't use any alarm clock by the way, it was just the biological alarm ring huu.

And lavender-kun is not in a good shape as well. It hung few times, purely my fault because i overworked it soo much huhu. Welll, i need to finish my part of Obs notes actually (which was assigned to me, so i guess the prob with lavender-kun is not totally mine!). I should be amazed that it didn't blow with a loud bang and nice burnt smell haha.

And I have to admit, I am not keen at all in going back to Kuantan today. If not for the single class that I am going to have tomorrow, I will happily continue my holiday until this Sunday huuu. (Sorry Miyavi, it's not that I don't feel honoured to ride u huu). With all the roller-coaster emotion, at 7.20a.m (I was in the act of bullying Lavender-kun again at that time, reading blogs to blogs), Yasir (who should have departed for school) suddenly bang on the front door vigorously. Ummi opened the door, and Abah had just entered the computer room..

"UMMI, TOT DAH MATI!!!!! KENA LANGGAR KERETA! KEPALA HANCUR. DIA TENGAH MENGGELUPUR"

Seriously I didn't know what to do, I just felt like crying. I smsed kakak, asma'.. sedih. Ummi and abah ran out of the door to the accident scene huu ( in front of our house), but I just stayed like a solid rock in front of Lavender-Kun. Kakak called, she cried even worse than me. We just kept quiet on the line huu..

I was phobia to cats, and I had the gut to mildly stroke a cat (mind you I am still dead afraid of kittens until now huu) when I was in primary school i think. I seldom play with tot, and i think i can count how many times I had touched tot, throughout the 3-4 years tot lived with us.. but i still love him deeply, and his actions cheered us all. Everytime we go out, the first thing we would search for when we arrived home was his presence huu! Suka buat aksi menggedik, suka mengiau kuat-kuat bila nak something.. truly we are going to miss all those...

Tot is a cat. Agaknya bagaimana aku bila kehilangan insan2 yang tersayang?..... That explains why I am extremely afraid of meeting..because i can't bear going through separation that follows.. 

we were born into this world and we met our parents, we feel happy but one day we are going to die, and they are going to die..

we were destined to meet and live with our siblings and feel happy about it, but one day each of us is going to die

we are going to get married and feel happy about it but one day death will do us apart.. 

we are going to have babies and feel happy about it but one day either 1 will die first..

adakah best hidup sendiri? you never experience the joy of meeting and you will never experience the gloom of parting. i don't know.. gloom is just not the right word! it is far more terrible and nightmarish than the word 'gloom' could explain... Ya Allah give me strength..

Tuesday

A nostalgic walk

A visit to a long-left (and long-forgotten??) place Matriculation Centre of International Islamic University Malaysia (MCIIUM) yesterday morning It is still MCIIUM to me despite being CenFOS to everybody else :D It has been 3 years since the last time I walked thorugh the much despised main gate (merely because of the strict guards huu). And I am dead sure almost everybody had the experience of 'flying' u know escaping from the 'jail' compound huu. Especially on Tuesday (if I remember it right) when we were allowed to go for an outing 5pm-8pm for the sole reason of paying a visit to the Pasar Malam hehe. As for me, I usually came back from the weekend holiday during that particular period, on Tuesday huu to avoid handing in the outing card. And yup I have experienced receiving a generous amount of fine from Pak Guard due to the same unhealthy activity (Sepandai-pandai tupai melompat, kadang2 jatuh juga. Maybe the tupai has some kind of cerebellar disease which prevents it from estimating perfectly the distance from 1 tree to another tree)

So, back to nostalgic yesterday, It was indeed nostalgic. And i kind of felt happy to be there again. Nothing changed much. KC (Khadijah College) is now painted in brown, kind of nice but i cruelly said to Ummi "Mesti luar je cantik, dlm buruk jugak" hehe. never mind that. Apart than that everything was I think exactly the same as before. Went to SMAWP (I couldn't believe that i still remember the name!), Cenntral Spine, Cafe Jambatan, but my lame Alzheimer brain just couldn't recall th location of Celpad and the Departments! I remember the place but I couldn't tell where is English dept located, or the Sciences etc. I couldn't even recall where did I meet the lecturers before (I mean I used to go to their rooms, put the tutorials outside their room doors... how lame :( )

Itulah matrik IIUM :) I was a student there once upon a time, 

Friday

I guess this news is a bit stale..

Huu i forgot to document it here, for the IM exam, everybody passed. Zero failure. Alhamdulillah. Although I am extremely confused.. how could I possibly passed?? Haha maybe IIUM should do some revision on Quality Control of Undergraduates!

Siamese Twin 24 April 2009

The video has been removed for ethical reason :)

Awal pagi 24 April 2009

(The picture has been removed for ethical reason)

this is the anencephaly baby which i have mentioned few days ago..

Last night i manage to watch the delivery of a conjoint twin (kembar siam), attached from the chest up to the umbilicus. The operation theatre was crowded with doctors, nurses and medical students hehe whou wouldn't miss the chance to witness such a rare event.

Tapi kesian mak dia kan... susah nak jaga baby camni

Thursday

Sakitnya

Dr Murad's post-pinch bruise is still there, and the pain is still there.. (Jetul, Hana sungguh memahami apa yang aku rasai huu) but i know it was for our own sake. But i dare to say the horror stories about his classes are so far untrue! 

It is good that we got hurt, we learnt something. Rather than being left in our own wonderful utopia world, we at least got a taste of O&G! :)

Tuesday

Tomorrow would be Postpartum Blue day okay :)

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. I predict my own collapse in just few immediate minutes! To think that i still have to drive back...... ~sigh~ Whoaa last night was the longest on-call I've had so far. We spent the night in high-risk labour room, finished filling up the labour-observation part in my logbook, witnessed a rare & terrible anencephaly (baby with no skull) labour, listened to Dr Aaron wondering out loud why we were lingering there when we would be having class at 8.30am the next day (today)... but guess what? Today I conducted 2 deliveries! hehe. They are nothing to those who have conducted them, but those two were my firsts, so i feel extremely grateful! alhamdulillah :) A baby boy and a baby girl. and the JMs (Jururawat Masyarakat) were very nice helping me out, but the worst thing was they kept teasing me kena pandai jaga anak sebab nak kawen! huhu. I don't even know how come they know about my wedding. Of course i am not an expert at handling babies because my youngest baby brother is now 16 years old! huhu. i wasn't even allowed to carry him around when he was in his younger days :p as I myself was only 7 years old at that time.

And now what am i doing? Trying to kill my time surfing the internet while waiting for the time to go back and have my beauty sleep :D

So what is it with the topic? The postnatal students (izzati, rodhi and me) have decided to wear blue tomorrow!

Monday

There's NO MORE secret about it huh? huuu

For the wikimapia guide, please click here
Coordinates: 3°10'17"N 101°30'51"E
For larger view of the cards below, do not hesitate to click on the pictures k :)




Kenapa banyak sgt kad ni? Because A'thiq suka kad warna hitam tu, my family loves the pink malay one, and of course I love the simple english version (simply because of the rose! hehe)

A new disease

"Awak, nanti kalau awak dah kawen mesti dah takde masa untuk kita. Mesti awak dah tak rapat dengan kita lagi..Nanti awak dah taknak kawan dengan kita sebab selalu sibuk dengan husband je" I am reminded of this usually-true statement from a very very very dear friend, which made me feel sad when she said it...

Is it true? I used to think it's true, and I still think it is true.. based on my experience with married friends.. I don't think they intentionally do that, it's just that to be a wife means to embark on a commitment-loaded journey... and require schedule adjustment according to priority.. perhaps

But I am so determined to change that (of course when I be someone's wife, 1 day insyaAllah....), although I don't (yet) have the slightest confident I am capable of doing it.. 

Because I am afraid I am showing the first vague symptom- blog-update lag huu. I don't write as much as before. But personally I like to read my buddies' blogs on their life experiences, significant achievements, personal perceptions and how they cope being a 'human' and such. truthfully I don't really read blogs containing heavy stuff. Because whenever I want to read on ilmiah stuff, i prefer to read books which explain everything in detail. Oh btw, I despise magazine as well huu.

I learn a lot from others' experiences about 'life' and i try to share my own experience no matter how insignificant it may be, hoping it would be useful though in the least helpful manner. Well you know (this is strictly not for Martians, it's for the Venusians ONLY!!) it is the "I feel sad and when I know you feel sad as well, it makes me feel relieve because i know i'm not alone" thingies hehe.

So back to 'emotional' and 'novel' blogs, through my blog, I find a channel to reach out and connect (to Venusians of course) And when I don't update this, it feels like I am kind of abandoning those who always listen, and always appreciate, always read, always acknowledge my  insignificant existence in this temporary world.

So back to the blog-update lag.. I kinda.... feel guilty because I think I am succumbing to the "Once you get married you are not my friend anymore" disease.. Astaghfirullah, I have promised myself that I will try my best to inject myself with the best vaccine so that I won't get that disease!! 

I think I am not going to update on the Indonesia trips (hopefully the many pictures would make myself remember the nice trip forever :D ) 

Whatever it is, remind me to be perfectly normal whatever happens after this. I think I am straying again.. hmmm..................................

i copied & pasted this hehe

Mama dan Papa sedang menonton TV, seraya mama berkata. “..i letih
la..dah lewat ni, i nak tido lah….”
Mama pun pegi dapur nak tutup tingkap dapur, nanti masuk pulak
lipas…leceh pulak nanti..dah tu, ade pulak rice cooker dalam
sink..rendam lepas makan tadi..basuh jap…
susun pinggan kat rak, lap dapur..terpercik kena sambal masa masak
tadi…check air panas dalam flusk..takut habis pulak nanti malam
anak
nak susu…memang dah kering pun flusk ni, jerang la air…sementara
tunggu air masak, nampak pulak bekas gula dah kosong….salin la
gula…check bubur untuk anak nak hantar ke taska esok..nasib baik ade
lagi…ishh…ni lauk bila ni, semalam…dah beku dah…basuh la
kejap….pegi yard, masukkan baju kotor dalam mesin basuh…penat dah
ni, besok je la basuh…sidai kaian lap je lah…
tik…bunyi air dah masak…salin air dalam flusk…ok settle…


baru teringat tak semayang lagi…on da way nak g bilik, papa tgk tv
lagi…nampak pulak beg anak untuk hantar ke taska…check…baju 2
pasang, towel…towel kecik utk selsama…calamine lotion untuk sapu
ruam…pampers
4 keping….alamak..telupa pulak masukkan botol…basuh botol jap…ok
settle…

ternampak pulak beg g keje…emm..besok nak pakai beg polo coklat lah,
asik2 pakai beg hitam ni je…salin jap barang2 g beg coklat…cek sume
6
poket beg, takut la tetinggal apa2..leceh pulak..selalunya barang yang
tertinggal tu la yang nak pakai nanti…hishhh sempit la beg ni…hangin
je…nak kena beli ni beg baru…rasenya 25 hb ni Sogo sale nih…mana
flyers tadi ek…ha ni die..ok, catit jap kat yellow sticker, nanti
lupa..ok settle…

Tetiba dengar suara papa…”..u buat apa lagi tu..tadi kata nak
tido..”….”..yelah nak tido la ni..nak smayang jap…”

masuk toilet..buat apa2 yang patut…cuci muka dulu..2 jenis lak
tu…adoi..gosok gigi…smayang…pakai toner…pakai treatment
cream…nak lawa and maintain punya pasal lah ni…
nanti orang kata baru anak satu dah macam anak 4 pulak…huhuhuhu…

bukak almari…emmm…pakai baju hijau ni lah besok…gosok kejap..check
baju papa, baju papa pun kena gosok jugak ni…kat bilik belakang…
la, napa komputer ni tak tutup ni..gelas kopi pun ade lagi, dah bersemut
dah..ishhh …g dapur,
basuh, sambung gosok baju…gantung
elok2…kemaskan baju gantung2…masukkan seluar papa yang dah kotor
dalam tempat kotor…ok settle..

dgr suara papa lagi…”..i dah ngantuk ni..”..dalam pada nak masuk ke
bilik…owh…pokok aku dah nak mati ni ha..lupa dah 3 hari tak
siram…ok, siram jap…check jap pintu ni…sah tak kunci lagi…grill
pun tak tutup..ni kalau tak check ni, senang2 je mat indon masuk rompak
umah aku…bukak lampu luar..

ni mainan ni sepah2…masukkan la dalam bakul mainan budak ni…banyak
nya…sampai bawah meja makan pun ade…adoi….ok dah …

ok dah boleh baring…adoi sakitnya pinggang…cium si comel ni
kejap…selimutkan die…la..napa basah ni…emm, tukar la pempers
ni…tak bagus la brand ni, nanti nak tukar lain la…nanti g Sogo 25 hb
ni beli la skali…ok sayang tido k…kalau boleh jangan la bangun tgh
malam ni eh..tido sampai pagi k…gud nite..sweet
dreams…

aaahh…sedapnya dapat baring…mana pulak lotion sapu kurus aku
nih…ha, ni dia…sambil sapu lotion kurus,,,setkan alarm…setkan
program kerja besok…pg kul 9.30 ade meeting..
ahh…boring…panas pulak lotion nih..dah la…emm..sedapnya lelapkan
mata…Ya Allah…terima kasih untuk rezekiMU hari ini,…mohon
keberkatan dari mu tuhan…papa pun bangun tutup tv…”…i dah ngantuk
sangat ni…nak tido lah…citer pun tak best malam ni, bola pun
takde…”…selang seminit …dengar suara papa berkeruh…dah agak
dah….

So?….apa yang peliknya..??

Anda tahu kenapa wanita hidup lebih lama?…SEBAB ADE BANYAK KERJA NAK
KENA BUAT….tu yang tak boleh nak mati cepat tu…

Hantarkan ke 5 WANITA yang anda rasa hebat…pasti anda disayangi kerana
memahami mereka…well, women understand women better…
foward jugak kat lelaki-lelaki so mereka akan hargai emak, isteri, dan
kawan
2
dengan lebih baik lagi…

Tak kira la wanita berkerjaya atau surirumah…setiap wanita adalah
istemewa dengan cara mereka sendiri…

Kalau lelaki mengakui kebenaran ini….hormat dah hargailah
mereka…untuk keperibadian dan kebolehan mereka untuk berdikari…

apa pendapat anda?

Sunday

Scary doctros

I never new before that transformable doctor existed but it was proven- Dr Isra' who could change into a crocodile and his wife Dr~ (I can't remember the name) who could change into a snake! We were running like mad, not much different from the Jurassic Park scenes when they had to run for their lives to avoid being eaten by the dinosaurs..we did pretty much the same with regards to Dr Isra' and wife huu~ I saw them transform before my very 2 eyes!! And suddenly I was in the hospital (HTAA). I was being examined by Dr Azarisman on a patient with both renal failure and heart failure except that she had no anasarca. I felt very sleepy during the examination that i actually slept and didn't manage to finish clerking and do the physical examination on her.Everything was very weird!!!.. except when I woke up at 5am, to realize everything was just a dream huu. It made sense then ~sigh~ with today being the last day of my holiday, and Obstetric & Gynaecology Posting starts tomorrow ~sighhhhh~ And yet I still don't know the result of my IM examination. But in my own evaluation and standard, I definitely had a clear fail!.. huu

Friday

Abah the gardener

Abah bergembira di rumah kaca taman bunga!

abah teringin nak siram pokok- jadi gardener

muka tersenyum gembira je dapat siram pokok ngeh3

tak puas hati lagi!! cari pokok lain pulak!

pokok mana yang sesuai nih????

haaa siram pokok ni la pulak :D

hmm baru best!! steady je siram pokok

gah! ape tengok2 abah siram pokok?? teringin la tu!

pokok kat depan ni pun perlu siram jugak :)


hati girang :D


cari cari lagi tempat nak siram 


whoaa jangan siram camera woman plak!

aksi aksi yasir busuk!

at the Jakarta airport before departure, trying our best to stuff everything into the bags

huu tidor sandar kat ummi pulak tu, perasan ringan 

kat taman bunga :)


haisyy trying to peek kat newspaper org lain???? so embarassing!

extremely exhausted after half a day walk around taman mini

balinese garden

ni strawberry picking ke? macam gaya pencuri strawberry je...!

eeee mesti ada ulat!! makan tak basuh!

feel my punch! preserved tiger at tangkuban perahu. it died due to air poisoning due to erupted volcano

yasir sengih kerang busuk, ummi tersenyum gembira hehe

this is the giant maze! like heaven, coz it reminded us of SECRET GARDEN!!

balinese garden again, isn't it?

rumah kaca in taman bunga

asma' and yasir with the green bunny :)

kat masjid in Puncak. what a memory 


yasir macam sedih je kena duduk situ haha. taman mini


merenung nasib ke ape nih??

The silly poses haha

yasir tgh pijak babi hutan

ha ape? ape?

urghh tarik bontot dia supaya takleh jalan

Tuesday

1st note on trip to Indonesia

I have just got back from Indon after a 5-day holiday, ALHAMDULILLAH. We were already missing home like mad since the first day haha. Guess I didn't manage to laze around much at home after the final exam (or rather brooding at home :p), that explains it.

So just a little memoir on what we have experienced in Indonesia. As for the start, our flight was delayed for 1 hour on Friday, we were supposed to take off at 8.50pm, but ended departing at 9.50pm. Typical of Air Asia (up-rolling my eyeballs huhu). But no harm, I was expecting myself to be happy every second, it was a holiday after all! I've got loads of time in my pocket (said while i grin broadly exhibitng my imperfect row of teeth :p), except that with every second wasted, I am counting down the number of days left for my holiday!! Gosh 

Anyway, we arrived late, and on our way to the hotel, i saw people sleeping along the road, at the road divider, under flyovers.. sedih dan terkejut... Alhamdulillah Allah memberikan rezqi kepada kami untuk tidak merempat sebegitu, moga kami sentiasa mnejadi orang yang bersyukur..

Yasir, Asma and me shared 1 room and ummi & abah shared another room. felt quite weird becuase the usual designation would be abah and ummi share 1 room, us trio share 1 room, the 2 monsters share 1 room. since umar takde, yasir had to share with us. never mind.

Early the next morning, we went to Taman Mini Indonesia. This parki is kind of a cultural park, where all sorts of cultural (especially the houses/ buildings/ traditional wear) thingies of each part of Indonesia are exhibited/ built in this huge park. We had an exhaustive journey touring the park pheww on feet!! took us half a day, and we only went back after Jum'ah prayer. The thing is, I'm not really into the cultural matters. So instead of enjoying taking pictures with the houses etc, we enjoyed making silly poses with thelife-size  stone animals and people decorating the ground!! what a waste. being around asma' and yasir (the photographer) who also came up with a bucketful of stupid ideas didn't improve the situation much~ 

After that we went to perform our prayer at Masjid Istiqlal- a very big masjid and we ended getting lost in it haha while searching for toilet.. only to discover that the pria and wanita (men & ladies) have to share toilet!!! scary huu

Next we were very eager to go shopping at Tanah Abang. The place labelled as 'ibu ibu girang, bapa bapa suram' haha but it was quite late, (to our surprise the shops close at 5pm!) and almost all the shops had closed by the time we arrived. So it was dead frustrating especially for asma and me! You know we went to indon with almost-empty baggages, with the intention of having a shopping frenzy in indon. the best thing was, we didn't even bring clothes for 3rd, 4th and 5th day haha as we planned to buy clothes and wear them straightaway just to save some space in the bags for more shopping products! Just imagine the frustration when Tanah Abang had closed -sigh-

Tanah abang is quite similar to Pasar Payang, or Pasar Siti Khadijah with the dark and congested alleys selling mostly clothings. Except that it has 2 buildings, and each building stood tall at 10 levels, with the two buildings connected with a skybridge or something like that. So if you think shopping in Kelantan or Terengganu is kind of like heaven compared to other places in Malaysia, then you'll definitely need an asylum after you shop in Tanah Abang. Plus the extra cheap prices!!! Oh my ~~ Bought a maroon-pink Jubah, maroon-pink blouse and few other items.

We had NasiPadang for dinner. then went back to have a good night sleep, ready for the next day's activity..

Continue later k..

Thursday

A note on examination..

ALHAMDULILLAH I am now reminiscing the examination day, in the quiet ambience of my own bedroom. But if one thinks everything went well yesterday, I have to apologize for delivering such a wrong message- it was worse than worst. That was how I described it to a friend :p

For my long case I THINK I got a Community Acquired Pneumonia case. It sounds simple enough, but the problem was, the patient came in with SHOCK. She was confused, not oriented to time, place and person, incapable of following instructions -SIGH- And I clerked the daughter and granddaughter who had very little knowledge on the illness itself.. -sigh-

A JVP catheter was inserted however on the day of clerking (examination) it was already removed. But she was still not oriented, and worst was it was almost impossible to do Physical Examination on her as she was moving all the time (She was drowsy and kind of.. not agitated, but still she moved all the time, holding my hands and trying to hug me...) On top of that she was lethargic and couldn't ambulate except turning & toss on the bed. 

I presented to Dr Hadzri, and I think I flunked it huu. Thought I had to be re-examined, but my name was not called. It made me wonder whether I had a clear fail huuu. 

Next was short case (SC). Examiner: Dr Ijaz. Pheww~ lega sket. Followed her in ward 8b, walked pass the nurse counter. Nak feel relieved again. Respiratory system? (Because the respiratory wing was located at the back of the ward, next to the nurse counter. Kept praying silently "Ya Allah, please let it be Respiratory system. Please don't ask me to check weird things huu". Aku yang ketakutan dapat patient with haematological malignancy presented with enlarged testes, because I am not well versed neither well prepared to do inguinal hernia examination!!!

Arrived at the bed, a bit upset to see the curtain was drawn around the patient. Dr and me intai dalam curtain, saw Ashraf and Dr Harris doing the SC, Dr Ij decided to find another patient.. ah kecewa tak dapat respi..

Dr lead me downstairs. Ahh a female???? Ketakutan lagi ~sigh~ it's hard to examine a female. Sempat sengih2 kat mimi while we walked pass her and the others near the staircase.

Dr Ij brought me to a young patient (age: 20+), from general exam I can't detect anything except a tinge of jaundice (cuak lagi). I was asked to examine Cardiovascular System! Haa~. For CVS, the problem is not with the technique, but with the interpretation..

So I asked for the patient's permission, pull the curtain, position her (I elaborated on the position haha, siap tengok katil dari tepi nak betul2 tunjuk that I aimed for 45 degrees. Try tarik bantal tinggi sket, suruh kakak tu duduk betul2 sket.. ces memang berlakon tahap melampau hehe) 

Then I moved to the end of the bed for general examination. Took a long time to count the respi rate 

Dr Ijaz: What are you doing so long over there?? (dengan muka yang pelik)

Me: (dengan muka cuak and bersalah) I would like to count the respi rate because the patient appears tachypnoeic....

Dr Ij just nodded in wonder.

Started with periphery. Bersungguh-ungguh I looked for collapsing pulse. Teringat pulak my advise to Hana :Don't ever depend on auscultation! EXTENSIVELY, ELABORATIVELY, SERIOUSLY look for signs in the periphery, so that before you auscultate, you have an idea of what you are going to find. But I myself fails to that in the exam huuu. Apsal la takde orang yang pernah cakap pasal patient ni ada murmur ape2 haisyyyy

Failed to find anything in the hand, I examined the face. takde malar flush tp patient had mild pallor. I denied jaundice although I did think she had TINGE of jaundice.. aiseh ketakutan dah, i have arrived at the neck but no positive signs yet.

examined the neck. Raised JVP. YEAY! Measured it, 5 cm. carotid normal character. tp i thought the patient had corrigan sign. carotid pulsation macam sangat obvius, but i just put that aside. I'll only present it if it agrees with auscultation finding (not to mention that I'm not good at detecting murmur truthfully!!)

examined the chest. waktu ni dah berdebar melampau because i had very few signs in my pocket. No precordial bulge, but obvious precordial pulsation. There was a horizontal scar at the left subcostal area, medial to mid clavicular line measuring 5cm. At that time, I think my own chest would have revealed vigorous precordial pulsation!! Takut yang AMAT AMAT AMAT sangat becuase I thought the scar might due to valvuloplasty. I just don't know what to expect in the auscultation. The clicking sound of prosthetic valve?? aiseh!!! Searched for apex beat. Displaced. 6th intercostal space, anterior axillary line. YEAY! I don't know the character, sorry huu. Parasternal heave! Lega sket. 

Auscultation ni yang memerlukan imagination yang paling tinggi -sigh- Antara dengar dan tak dengar (lebih kepada tak dengar laa huu), she had a systolic murmur. Checked for radiation, tp tak berani plak nak check for carotid radiation just to confirm it was not aortic regurg (i was pretty sure it was not a diastolic murmur). I was confused whether it was tricuspid or mitral. I was sure it was mitral, becuase there was radiation to axilla, but the SCAR confused me. Judging by the scar, i think it should be tricuspid valvuloplasty.. Did some manouvre for inspiratory and expiratory phase.

Examined the leg for pedal edema. Positive up to the knee. Then asked the patient to sit, checked for bibasal crept. ALHAMDULILLAH it was very gross!!! It made me feel confident to claim she is in failure. But sacral edema was absent. By then Dr dah bising2 that I took to long a time. I don't know why, I did everything in a slow motion way huu. 12 minutes! I said I would like to check for hepatosplenomegaly, but she made faces to me. I said never mind, I just presented.

Presentation was not that smooth. Tachypnoeic (i think up to 30bpm, but i was dead afraid to commit to such a severe tachypnoea, i just mentioned 26bpm), pale. JVP raised, pulse (radial and carotid) normal. When I mentioned the scar, she was kepelikan huu. She examined the patient again, ALHAMDULILLAH i didn't bluff about the scar. She asked the patient, and the patient claimed it was present since she was a child huu not a surgical scar!! What a waste to worry in the first place :p Then i said there was a parasternal heave (muka takut je waktu cakap benda ni but when Dr nodded in agreement, I felt relieved). Then murmur haisy..

Me: emm aa emm..

Dr Ij: cepatle. time is running. with your emm oo aaa, u are losing time! cepat sket

Me: emm (lagi) S1 and S2 heard. There was a systolic murmur (tak berani lagi cakap pan systolic murmur). Heard best at... (was reluctant to say) tricuspid area..

Dr Ij: Ha??

Me: No no no! Pan systolic murmur, heard best at mitral area, grade 3, radiating to axilla! (termuntahkan semuanya dengan begitu cuak dan laju. Dr mesti terkejut) 

Dr Ij: (looked satisfied i think....) Yes. During inspiration or expiration?

Me: (meekly answered) i tried to listen but could not appreciate....

Dr Ij: ok, never mind. what else?

Me: pedal edema up to knee. No sacral edema. Bibasal crept present. Tp hepatosplenomegaly could not be elicited.. (continued in muka sedih..) tak sempat....

Dr Ij: You were too slow. Buat cepat sket.

Me: (nodded)

Dr Ij: apex beat kat mane? 

Me: (aiseh, terlupa mention la pulak) 6th intercostal space lateral to midclavicular line

Dr Ij: Yes. Where is it exactly?

Me: Anterior axillary line.

Dr Ij: YES!! is it displaced?

Me: (meekly answered) yes.

Dr Ij: So what's your diagnosis? 

Me: Mitral regurgitation

Dr Ij: with?

Me: with heart failure

Dr Ij: Yes mitral regurg in failure with??

Me: (blank)

Dr Ij: eh look at the precordium. what can you see? Pulsation kan? I can even see it with her clothes on. What more when she took it off!! (Dah start geram?? huu) Can you see it?

Me: Yes. But there was no precordial bulging. Only the pulsation (she initially tried to question my statement 'no precordial bulging')

Dr Ij: yes. td you said parasternal heave. what does it indicate?

Me: Right ventricular hypertophy. 

Dr Ij: Yes, so what is it?

Me: (suddenly i see a light bulb in my head) Pulmonary hypertension.

Dr Ij: YES!! She was finally lega that i could come to the diagnosis with her extensive clues and hints huu) You ni bagi la diagnosis lengkap

Me: Mitral regurg in failure with pulm hypertension

Dr Ij: Ok what can cause MR?

Me: Many differential iagnoses. First is Chronic Rheumatic Heart Disease.

Dr Ij: Ok. (session ended aku masih terpinga-pinga) You took 15 minutes in total. 

Me: (Eh bukan 3rd year dapat 20 minutes ke? 10 minutes for examination and 10minutes for presentation)

After she went away, I talked to the patient, apologizing for whatever inconvenience i have done to her, told her i was having my examination. Asked her what was her chief complain, and she said "batuk berdarah" Aku macam terkejut dengar, so it is true she had pulm hypertension.. Her first presentation. Ver nice lady, her third child is now 2 months old!! Huu. i wonder whether she had cardiomyopathy with severe MR accelerated pulm HPT.. i don't know.. 

So that was it. i leave the rest for Him to decide

 

Tuesday

Functioning normally!!

Entah kenapa hari ini aku selalu teringat masa dahulu..

Dan aku rindu untuk berada bersama insan-insan yang dulu selalu berdampingku..

Ahh kenangan lama..

As if I have totally forgotten that tomorrow would be my examination day! Hmm. Am I prepared for tomorrow? I don't know, and truthfully I don't ummmmmmm.. really mind.. (i don't care?? Astaghfirullah!!!)

Once somebody told me "You can't give something, when you yourself don't have anything" I wonder whether that person still remember that line or not.. but 1 thing I would like to say to that person "Yeah you are 176% correct!!!!" Why not 177%?? I don't know, ask Einstein to do his mathematics homework. O Allah, please just let this examination be my last examination here....

And Ummi keeps saying "You are always stressed because you think negatively. Try to think positive!" I said "I am always stressed because the stressor has always been there and never removed even once!!"

Please let me function normally.. 

Sunday

Exam tomorrow insyaAllah

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. My examination will take place tomorrow and wednesday. Huu i just can't wait to go home.

Dapat gingivitis due to gigi bongsu yang taknak keluar habis and predisposes to bacterial infection. Took ponstan for 3 days (self-medicated hua3), but then developed right cervical lymphadenopathy (tapi sakit so lymphadenitis ke? whoaa it is very painful!)  on the 4th day, decided to go to the clinic for the sole reason of getting my hands on antibiotic (because suddenly paranoid terbayang2 Infective endocarditis n rheumatic heart disease pulak because i have sore throat as well. was also 'silly'ly asking myself "Is this stiff neck?" whena ctually I had neck pain due to the big lymph node hoho), and dapat fever..

Was prescribed antibiotic for 5 days course, now on the 3rd day. Still have fever, and it further depresses my mood to study. Luckily hana pushed me (she even pushed me to go to the hospital!! hehe. thanks :D ) but i was like a 9-month pregnant lady, needing a chair all the time in the ward huhu. Had nausea and vomited kat JHC some more huuu La ba'sa thohurun insyaAllah :) 

Seriously I want to go back right now..

And currently in a severe dilemma whether to buy a house or not.. I am planning to be an outsider (pergi membawa diri jauh dari UIA????? huuu) 

Wednesday

Ada apa dengan rumah ni?



This view was taken from the window of my bedroom. My bedroom is facing the house behind our house.. and yup this is the house BEHIND our house :D

what is so special about this house? this house is extremely special because it is my dream house..!! I have been dreaming of owning the house for quite a long time. what is so special about this house? it is special because it is located behind our 

(my parents' house)!

what is so special about that? because i dream of building a secret door between my house and rumah ummi abah hehehe.

i'm saving for that house.. how i hope that 1 day i can afford to buy it :) insyaAllah

Memandang ke belakang seketika..

hmm bila baca balik whatever i have written this morning, aku tersenyum. sungguh seorang wanita tu memang terlalu mudah mengikut emosi :) tapi aku tidak pernah menipu diriku sendiri apabila dengan jujur mengakui, i always regret doing medicine. sebabnya? medicine yang membuatkan aku jauh dari keluarga. dan medicine juga yang akan membuatku jauh dari suami dan anak-anakku nanti.

tapi Alhamdulillah hati dah sedikit tenang setelah berbicara dengan ummi tadi, meskipun empangan air mata terus mengugut untuk bila bila masa saja pecah. dan hati semakin tunduk untuk terus menatap Kumar & Clark..

bila difikirkan sedari tadi, pasti dan pasti dan teramat pasti ada maksud yang tersembunyi kenapa aku ditaqdirkan untuk berada dalam medic, untuk menelan keperitan tidak dapat melayari hari hari 
bersama keluarga, terpaksa tinggal di hostel yang jauh dari rumah, terpaksa mengorbankan 
banyak masa untuk ke hospital, terpaksa dan terpaksa...

ummi kata cuba fikir ada ramai lagi orang lain yang dapat nasib yang lebih malang.. aku menjawab tapi mereka tidak depressed seperti aku, ummi kata mereka sedih tapi disembunyikan, aku kata memang semua orang sedih tetapi aku pathologically tertekan..

tapi kenapa Allah taqdirkan aku jadi depressed? supaya aku sentiasa ingat kepada Dia.. kenapa aku selalu je menyesal? supaya setiap kali aku menyesal, aku akan kembali mengadu kepada Dia.. kenapa aku selalu saja rasa letih dengan kehidupan ni? supaya aku sentiasa ingat bahawa kehidupan ini sementara sahaja dan rehat yang sebenar nanti di syurga. kenapa aku selalu sahaja kecewa? supaya aku tidak terbuai dengan kenikmatan dunia. kenapa hidupku diatur sebegini rupa? supaya aku menjadi seorang yang lebih kuat berusaha..

ya, aku selalu saja terlupa, bahawa kerehatan yang sebenar bukan di sini, tapi di negeri abadi..
dan akan ku kutip sisa kekuatan menjadi pembakar semangat untuk terus melangkah.. moga setiap langkahku diiringi cinta dan redhaNya..   :)

Aku mengaku kalah?

Baru sahaja selesai sunat Dhuha, aku termenung lagi.. Seingatku sepanjang revision week di rumah, aku lebih banyak termenung berbanding revising my textbooks. wo pu you fu xi ke wen..

Bukan aku tidak berusaha, namun aku sudah sungguh-sungguh berusaha untuk membaca tiap bait kata-kata yang tertera dalam Kumar & Clark, and I tried (and am trying) my best to finish answering the MCQs.. tapi fikiran mudah saja melayang memikirkan benda lain. Apa yang aku fikirkan?? Entahlah aku pun tak pasti.. Dan rasanya buat pertama kali SEUMUR HIDUPKU, aku expect untuk fail the examination this time around.. astaghfirullah tak pernah sebelum ni aku sangat pesimistik begini. Seriously it would be such a great wonder if I pass..

Entah kenapa hati langsung tidak tenang sejak akhir-akhir ni, despite all the things that I have done to put it at ease.. Aku tenang seketika saat membaca kalamNya, aku terbuai seketika saat menghadapkan wajah kepadaNya, aku terpana seketika saat di atas sejadah mengadu kepadaNya, aku terlupa seketika saat tenggelam dalam lena.. tapi kemudian gundah semula. Kegundahan dan kerunsingan yang tak mampu ku kawal.. Ahh sang hati kenapa begini?...

Aku termenung memikirkan apa yang sebenarnya aku inginkan dalam hidup ini. Aku menangis bila ku fikirkan penyesalan yang sekian lama terbeban di pundak, menyesakkan dada bagai mendaki ke tempat yang tinggi. Sehingga kini aku sudah tidak mampu berhelah lagi bahawa sememangnya aku menyesali jalan yang kupilih kini. Medicne- a choice that i made based on my impulsive teenage mind.. tapi itu keputusan yang sudah terlalu lampau, tapi aku dibebani sehingga kini, sehingga mungkin 10 tahun akan datang?

Tapi mengapa sehingga sekarang aku masih berhelah bahawa aku tenang dan gembira dengannya? Sebab harapan abah agar aku menjadi seorang doktor? Atau kerana kegembiraan ummi menjadikan aku tempat mengajukan pertanyaan berkaitan kesihatan? Atau kerana ahli keluarga yang bangga denganku mengambil jurusan perubatan? Barangkali halangan rakan-rakan yang memaksa aku untuk terus melangkah? Atau kesedihan masyarakat sekeliling yang tak mampu kuhadapi seandainya aku memilih jalan selain ini? Atau yang utama, kekecewaan zauj ku nanti andai aku tekad untuk berpaling dari medan perubatan? Entahlah.. dan semuanya semakin menyesakkan dadaku.. namun yang ku pasti bagai tiada ruang lagi untuk aku bernafas di sini...

Menjadi seorang doktor memang suatu tugas yang sangat mulia, sebab doctors deal directly dengan hal peribadi dan masalah kesihatan pesakit.. menjadi seorang pelajar perubatan clinical years cukup memberikan aku pengalaman itu.. 
pekerjaan doktor bukanlah satu pekerjaan glamor, perlu berurusan dengan perkara menjijikkan, 
bukan sekali dua aku sendiri terpaksa melihat kahak pesakit, rasa loya bila terpaksa 
memeriksa bahagian bernanah dan berbau busuk, sehingga kadangkala ada yang berulat. 
Pesakit pula ramai yang datang dari kelas sosioekonomi rendah, sehinggakan aku terpaksa 
menahan bau badan mereka yang berhari-hari tidak mandi. Dan seorang doktor menjadi tempat mereka meluahkan masalah ekonomi keluarga, masalah rumah tangga dan segala macam masalah mereka dalam kehidupan. Namun sebetulnya semua itu tidak pernah melunturkan semangat aku, 
tidak pernah menjijikkan aku. Semua itu pasti dikira sebagai ibadah yang besar 
ganjarannya disisi Allah. Barangkali terlalu mulia sehingga aku tidak layak memikulnya?? Bukan semua itu yang melunturkan semangatku, cumanya aku tidak temukan ketenangan hati dalam profesion kedoktoran.. Semuanya semudah profesion itu tidak sesuai dengan jiwaku barangkali.. Dan aku tidak temukan kegembiraan dalam kehidupan begitu.. aku pun tidak pasti..

Asifah kepada semua yang ku kecewakan... namun cubalah untuk mengerti..
Namun tika dan waktu ini, aku ingin lari.. lari jauh dari semua yang kukecewakan.. lari jauh dari melihat kedukaan yang terlukis dalam mata insan insan yang sangat kucintai... kerana hati ini tidak sanggup ditikam dan dihiris dengan kedukaan itu.. lari jauh dari membebani orang2 sekeliling..  aku ingin padam segala memori tentang aku dan perubatan.. aku inginkan kehidupan yang tenang dan sederhana..

Tuesday

Aku yang suka merapu

Sebelum aku meneruskan dengan celoteh kali ni, i would like to apologize to anybody yang ceritanya termasuk dalam artikel kali ni..

Once I had a very close friend.. sama-sama di matrik UIA dulu.. dulu she read biological science. i read medicine. she got married as soon as she graduated from matric. so she went to UIA gombak. her husband was doing (and is currently) Economics.

So at one time, there was a major shift in UIA. Those who are doing biological sciences, mathematics, biomedics etc had to transfer to Kuantan, from Gombak. This friend, she changed her course from biological science to Engineering for the sole purpose- she wanted to stay in Gombak with her husband! At that time, i thought her decision was kind of weird. Gombak and Kuantan are separated by 240 kilometres only, why bother to change course when she had spent 1 year doing biological science? But nevertheless, the decision was hers, so i didn't say anything about it.

Then she got a baby, her baby was very cute!!! she took her first maternity leave. So she had to postpone her academic semester. Again I felt weird. Why bother to have baby back then and postpone the study? Why couln't she just complete her study, and leave UIA for good, 
then she can have as many babies as she wants.. 
But again the decision was hers, so i didn't say anything about it.

Then she got pregnant for the second time. I'm sure her second baby is going to be cute too!!! I adore her babies so much. Undoubtedly, I felt weird.. but I just let that thing pass..

And she changed her Course again from Engineering to Economics. She said her husband could teach (tutor) her, and that would be more menaingful.. I wondered whether she had her own interest in anything or was everything oriented towards her new family? But I just kept quiet..

She is such a great sister who always told me in the years we were together (I seldom meet her now), "Maryam, satu masa nanti Maryam akan faham" whenever I ask her anything. 
I just nodded my head whenever she delivered that line, when in my heart 
I was dead sure i would never understand..

Akak, kalaulah akak baca tulisan Maryam kali ni, akak akan tahu yang sekarang Maryam dah mula faham apa yang akak maksudkan..

Macam kisah Nabi Musa dan Nabi Khidr dalam surah al Kahfi.. (boleh rujuk Quran k)

I have just realized that in this life there are so many ways to accomplish so many things. And life is nothing near stereotyping. If I am asked now, I won't have second thought to leave medicine for a family. 
I won't hesitate to postpone my study. There are so many ways to define success, 
and there is no specific formula to calculate it!

ps: Medicine is all about hardwork, endurance and perseverance. it's not about being brainy. 
I am not hardworking and enthusiastic anymore, am I still fit for Medicine?

Monday

Dan aku bila lagi?..

I still clearly remember that particular night, when I was introduced to the concept of usrah, back in matriculation years. Actually I had experiences in joining usrah since I was in primary school. I went to Sri Hira' and on saturdays, our co-curricular activities included usrah, other than First Aid, marching etc.

Back to that particular night, it was between maghrib and Isya', when in the surau of Khadijah College (KC hehe), I for the first time fulfilled the invitation from Kak Aini, to attend a 'discussion group'. It was my first time, but i have kind of expected the time to come- it was like a deja vu, 
me sitting in a circle, along with other muslimat, eager to improve ourselves religious-wise, eager to increase our knowledge, eager to be part of a dynamic Islamic ummah. Yes we were so eager!

So it was during that particular night that I got to know the other members in my usrah group. There were 5 of us, for a start.

First was Kak Ati (Sumarti Samsudin). I grew to be so close to her when I became her tahfiz student hehe. I still clearly remember the hectic academic schedule in matric which did not end at 7pm like everybody else, because i had to attend a personal tasmi' class with her hehe. I grew to be so close to her when our rooms were just few steps away from each others'. And I shared so many things with her. I learnt to be mature from her. I learn so many things from her. And when we left matric, Kak Ati got married to Ust Shahrul. They are blessed with 2 children :) 
I grew to be so close to her when I became the godmother of Aisyah; her first newborn. 

The second one was Kak La (Mazila) I grew to be so close to her when she patiently my karenah hehe. I was a manja-type person (am I not? huu), I was having a severe homesickness, I was a cry baby, but she treated me like I 
was her small sister. She was great in sewing. K.La, I won't forget the day you taught us how to sew a 'cawat'. And someone (org tu taula haha) innocently asked her how long should the zip be haha. 
Some old sweet memory.. 1 thing I certainly won't forget about her is her birth date- 5th august, 
because she told me numerous times! And now she is married, tp belum ada anak :)

The third one was K.Sarah. I grew to be close to her when we shared the same dream- we wanted to be housewives! So was K.Ati haha. We spent long times discussing our dreams- how we wanted to be housewives, teaching and nurturing our children with Islamic values so that they will grow up to be great mujahid mujahidah. How we really want to be good wives, treating our husbands with patience and care etc. and I still remember K.Sarah taught me how to answer killer questions such as "Why do you want to be a housewife when you have sacrificed to get a degree?" Haha. And recently Kak Sarah got married, she came to UIA Kuantan this morning but I was not around (I'm at home). I really miss her, I couldn't make it to her walimah (asifah, K.Sarah) and I was touched when a friend told me Kak Sarah asked about me. After all these years, our ukhuwah remains :)

the fourth one was kak aminah. she is still in indonesia doing dentistry, i still contact her every now and then :) she was one of them who immediately came to my rescue (selain faraa yang sangat kucintai :D) whenever she heard of my uncontrollable crying marathon at KC hehe.

the fifth one was syu (syuhada rahman). a very sweet lady, a very loving sister, a very mature muslimah. she has many siblings, she is the first one, dan ibunye telah dulu pergi menghadap Ilahi, menjadikan dia seorang insan yang mengagumkan aku dengan ketabahan dirinya.

And the sixth one.... is me. Aku? Dan orang selalu bertanya, "Maryam bila pula?" Hmm everybody is very eager to know bila lagi I will join the others, menjadi penyeri dalam kehidupan seorang mujahid, menjadi ummu kepada jundullah muda :) 
sabarlah menanti perkhabaran, kerna tanggungjawab itu berat, satu masa nanti pasti akan tiba juga saat itu, ketika aku sudah sedia memikulnya..

Friday

hunched over the keyboard in the computer lab

It is now 9:27a.m. In an hour time, we are going to have class with Dr Kuan on tuberculosis and other respiratory prob (pleural diseases if i am not mistaken). Today I am feeling extremely lazy. Perhaps it is the i'm-going-home-today aura :p I have arrived in JHC (Jalan Hospital Campus) as early as 7.30. Again it's the my-parking-space thingy! And I dare to assure that I was the first person to park my car at the parking spaces along the road huhu. What is more important, I am now in the computer lab in the library, killing my time rambling some more here. The only question that should be asked, where are my friends? The sole answer is, (I think) they are trying to sink their head into the textbooks. I don't know whether they are planning to boil the books into a broth. As i guiltily headed towards the computer lab (which is located at the end of the library hall), i passed through so may familiar faces reciting the book in such a holy manner huhu. The big point here is exam is just one week away and I am planning of taking a week holiday with the onset (effective from) precisely today! -sigh sigh- malas yang melampau. I still can't accept the fact that i have to do O&G posting in few weeks time -sigh again-

And I am anxiously waiting for an answer, trying to light up the hope through my prayers, and yet preparing myself for the worst to come.. And i turn onto thee, Ya Allah. Help and guide me through this life, Grant us the eternal happiness in the hereafter..

Yang sebenarnya ku mengarut di sini kerana aku merindukan ketenangan di rumah, aku merindukan kehidupan yang terlalu akrab berdampingan dengan al-Quran dan Tuhan..sungguh aku merindukan kehidupan lalu..

Thursday

Celebrating the prince and princess




8th March 2009. The eldest of the 3 princesses were taken away by an honourable prince, in the quest to build their own kingdom.. Alhamdulillah. They were celebrated in a humble royal ceremony, i wonder what did the king and queen felt?? I thing for sure, the other 2 princesses were sad to wave her goodbye.. it would never be the same again..

What's so big about it??

Truth is, I am writing in someplace, Where? I'll anounce later.. umm perhaps in 3 months time?? :p

Exam is just 1 week away, and as usual I plan to have my holiday umm a bit earlier hehe which should start tomorrow (it's the revision week :D)

The big Q is, IF someone ask for my hand in marriage, should I humbly and gratefully accept??...

Sunday

.........

A day for mourning
The hours for grieving
Minutes that are filled with gloom
And I waited for the second to say goodbye..
How extremely heartrending..

Friday

Updates updates

*PANTING PANTING* I feel as if i have just completed 20 cycles of a football field when actually I have been spending my time sleeping!! I guess I run & pant in my dream~ But seriously I am quite busy and I am not in the mood of writing a blog. Brooding in the phone (while ummi patheticly listens) is very much easier haha. Anyway Alhamdulillah I got a new bro-in-law whom I intend to call Abang Apidzzsss (make sure to pronounce it with spraying saliva haha). it has been a week since kakak's wedding. But to my utmost disappointment, I was honoured to be the driver of the day (on that specific should-be-my-special-day, when i became the bride's sister!!) and I missed out the event actually. Sad sad sad.. But anyway I'm busy with a sewing project right now, which I am not going to blurt out what-is-it, but in a short while I am going to tell haha. A big mouth like mine isn't easy to be shut up =P

Sunday

I am proud :)

I was browsing thorugh the you tube when I suddenly found a video made by my bro umar, which won him an award (10 years- Subang, something like that..). Reminds me of my old days.. :p. To viw it click here

Wednesday

I can't wait for the End Block Holiday!!

Finally, i find the time to write something here!! yup, i don't write much these days..probably because I am too busy brooding (again) hehe and creating a whole new set of internal conflicts in me (shh it's the "Why the heck am I doing medicine??" again) :p. so before i'll be off to the next meeting in umm 10 minutes time.. allow me to clear off some hanging cobwebs (a-ti-shoo). I'm now doing Internal Medicine, IM, interNal meDicine, iNtErNaL mEdIcInE- pheww the posting which proudly won the "highest-failure-rate award" -SIGH-

Failure and pass is a very subjective matter. To think that it is quite unfair and unjust to judge the hardwork throughout the posting in the few critical minutes of presentation 
(well, clinical exam is all about acting by the way), I can only say to those who 
failed "Please be patient, it was indeed a test from Him"..... this worldly examination is nothing compared 
to the LIFE EXAMINATION. now we can resit and repeat, but that is of course not the case in akhirah...
May Allah guide us all..

Remind me to write on HIV/ AIDS later..something which happened in the ward..-sigh- I'm dying to share it now, but really I just can't escape the meeting this time around (up-rolling my eyeballs, but I'm not fitting!!)

By the way I'll insyaAllah be going home tomorrow :D so probably I'll have more time to write..on so many things!!! and to Kak Chik, I'm still waiting for the niqab guide ehehehe :)

Home?

I think it is time for me to write, but I was dead afraid that I'll (AGAIN!) write on negativism, becase the thing is.. I am currently disampuk hantu jahat. Pheww. What I really want right now is

1. to go back home
2. to spend my holiday at home
3. to be home
4. to have my meal at home
5. to go to the toilet in my house
6. to sleep and get up in my own bed back home
7. everything that is associated with home!!!

But do i realize that we don't always get what we want..? The palestinians want a piece of land where they can call 'home'..they have it but it is not peaceful as how a home should be..

The Israels want the Palestinians home, to be their own home. They are stealers!!

The palestinians are grieving, so am I. And so are the muslims from around the globe..

Can anybody please allow me to go home??... -sob sob sob- 

Sunday

I don't know why..

I don't know why but I always feel tempted to write regrding parents, birrul walidain.. Or more specific regarding ummi wa abi..

Today abah is having the usual gouty attack- an illness which he has been living with for almost 20 years. How intensively heart breaking to see him limping around..and usually he won't walk much. If you have never seen someone having gouty attack, please believe me it is very painful.. Imagine if i inject a syringe of water into your joint causing it to swell, how painful would that be...?.. hmm i have never experienced it myself as well, so i wouldn't know for sure..

After I had my lunch alone, because my parents had their lunch in bed huu.. I walked pass their bedroom to go upstairs..and their bedroom door was ajar (p/s: ajar means partially opened :p ) and i saw them performing congregational zuhr prayer..with abah sitting on a chair (of course, how could ummi possibly be the imam?? hehe). Terkasima seketika memerhatikan mereka.. dan rasa sayu.. 
We are getting bigger and they are growing older.. Kalau dulu bila melihat ayah kita, 
seorang lelaki gagah perkasa, and stronger than Ultraman, more super than Superman, 
dan bila lihat mak kita, wanita jelita dan sempurna, padanya kita harapkan kasih sayang dan belaian manja..
but now when we look at our parents, we see 2 frail beings, who needs our love and care.. it makes me think.. mampukah aku untuk menjadi anak yang solehah dan berikan jagaan sempurna, layanan istimewa.. sesempurna jagaan dan seistimewa layanan mereka...??......

Appreciate your parents, and love them!!! Their sacrifices could never be repaid.. in eternity..

Twilight Saga, please??



Only 1 day left, of my precious and rare holiday..before i regretfully ride the bus and depart for Kuantan.. and in the remaining 1 day, i have so many things to do..I want to bake, I want to complete sewing the curtain which have been abandoned ( I started making it during my 2 months holiday after professional exam..almost half a year ago ~huu) , I want to write endlessly (probably I have to put that aside as it can be done in Kuantan)..and after spending 1 whole day repainting and spring-cleaning my room yesterday, i think i deserve to have a nice break.. which means reading the Twilight Saga huu. It belongs to my sis, and she is continuously influencing me to read it -_-

But looking at the books which I have brought home (konon-konon la for holiday reading), a pang GUILT invades my tempted heart..and I just can't decide. You can read the twilight saga, no harm in doing that :) 
but I choose the latter just to assure myself that at least I do 'something more Islamic' today :p

You see, our whole life is an ibadah as long as the itention is for Allah, but in everything we do we have to choose a better ibadah :) Happy 'ibadat'ing everybody!!

Don't worry, I'll carefully choose an interesting book and share the review in onlynobleulfah.blogspot.com

By the way I am going to share the room-makeover in nobleulfahfashionista.blogspot.com. If you have nothing interesting to do..feel free to visit this new and sparse blog :)

Saturday

IIUM Mega Assembly Uploaded!!

This is the video which I have promised earlier..but i do have to apologize because it is not a complete video..most of the interesting parts including the gimmick- a palestinian womn holding her dead baby, Bush dummy etc were not included..ASIFAH (Sorry) everybody..

And if u wanna have a peek at the pics taken, go to http://onlynobleulfah.blogspot.com :)

Friday

Khaibar khaibar ya Yahud, Jaisyu muhammad saufa ya'ud!!

I am not from TV3 who is responsible to make a report on the event (haha i have no other intention besides to publicly mention, TV3 came to cover the demonstration)

But i do feel excited to write something about it anyway (pictures will follow later k as I can't find my hp's cable thus i can't transfer the pictures & video -gosh!! + gasp- into Lavender kun -and to acknowledge that Lavender kun is so ancient that it isn't supplemented with bluetooth device- )

First of all, it was raining mildly, quite a dark and damp day which allowed the MC (fakhru please take note) to use the line "Cuaca seakan memahami....bla bla bla" Such a perfect dramatic setting!!?? :p

It was held immediately after Jumuah prayer, in front of UIAM Kuantan mosque, which disabled the people from going back without attending the demo (segan barangkali??)

There were so many people, tha when "Allahuakbar" was cried out loud, I was surprised that none of the glasses in Kuliyyah of Medicine building broke!!! huu extreme exaggeration~

It started with speech given by Dean of Kuliyyah of Medicine, Dr Fauzi Rani followed by speech from few other lecturers and students. Next came the Donation, Gimmick, Resolution etc

Towards the end of the demonstration, a small group o students insisted that the Bush dummy should be burnt. But we didn't do it because it wasn't academic. At last instead of shouting "Hancur Hancur Hancur Israil", the line "Bersurai bersurai pergi kelas" was heard.. And Mr Azmi (Campus director) just smiled gleefully..

Thursday


Mak cakap dengan Abah

I was reading a patient's folder, when I overheard a conversation sourcing from the next bed.. I feel tempted to jot it down in my notebook (instead of jotting down the patient's history or lab investigations...)

Patient: Ya Allah ambillah nyawaku
Wife: Hissy, usah kabor (Eh, don't say that!)
Patient: Dah tu abah sakit. Abah nak bantal putih, mak ambil kat rumah
Wife: Nak buat apa?
Patient: Nak letak kat kepala. Telepon la rumah, suruh bawak bantal tu
Wife: Mintak bantal kat misi je
Patient: Jangan mintak (warning). Cukuplah 1 bantal untuk abah, yang lain untuk pesakit lain
Wife:
Patient: Ya Allah, mak tak jaga abah
Wife: Mak jaga abah la ni..Sabarlah abah..
Patient: Abah sabar. Mak yang tak sabar..

And the conversation went on.. I felt touched just by listening.. and surely i gained something

Sunday

-uhukk-

-cough cough- it's very dusty here with all the hanging cobwebs.. -cough again- huu. Okay, I'm back. I have decided to activate this blog again (1 of the 3 blogs which I am lamely managing huhuuu) because... simply no reason :) but it is going to be a bit different, sorry for that.. anyway, I'm back!

Saturday

A 'sinful' month

I guess the past 1 month was a very 'sinful' period for me. I couldn't stop shopping. (Paid religious visit to kedai kain and tailor entah brp kali ntah). Went out dating with Mimi yesterday and today, because I was in such a fragile mood. And today we wasted our money on handbags because Parkson is having a sale. I really want to take my mind off these depress thingies -Masya Allah!! Shopping and women are synonyms?? Only when I am depressed huu..Hmm... but I don't like jewelleries, that at least make me a bit different.

One of the things that i like most- to be alone or talk to Ummi
One of the things that Ummi likes to advise me when i feel sad- go to bed early today (gee she always say i don't get enough sleep)
Another of her advise- get a square meal (she also likes to claim that I am stressed because i don't eat healthy foods)
Sometimes she asks me to go for an outing and relax
But one of the BEST advise she always give is pray to Allah, buat solat hajat everyday, Ummi pun solat and doakan sekali... how very calming 
to hear that
Thank You Allah for giving me a perfect Ummi!

Ya Rabbana..

La yukallifullahu nafsan ILLA wus'aha
Laha ma kasabat wa'alaiha maktasabat
Rabban la tuakhizna innasiinaa aw akhtho'na
Rabbana wa laa tahmil alaina ishran kama hamaltahu 'alalladziina min qablina
Rabbana wa laa tuhammilna ma laa tho qotholana bih
Wa'fuanna waghfirlanaa warhamnaa
Nta mawlana fanshurna 'alal qawmil kafiriin


Tidak Allah bebankan sesuatu keatas seseorang melainkan sesuai dengan kesanggupannya
Dia mendapat pahala (dari kebajikan) yang diusahakannya dan medapata seksa (dari kejahatan) yang dilakukannya

Tuhan kami, janganlah Engkau hukum kami andai kami terlupa atau tersalah
Wahai Tuhan kami, janganlah Engkau bebankan kepada kami bban yang berat sebagaimana Engkau membebani orang sebelum kami
Wahai Tuhan kami, janganlah Engkau bebani kami dengan sesuatu yang tidak sanggup kami memikulnya..
Maafkanlah kami, ampunilah kami, dan rahmatilah kami..
Engkaulah penolong kami, maka tolonglah kami terhadap kaum yang kafir.

Her existence was significant

I am not trying to reform this blog into a death book where i write down all the death that took place in the wards.. but sadly another 2 patients died yesterday. A fresh reminder for me, that any time I will breathe out my last breath.. and become a tiny part of history. Innalillahi wainnailaihi raji'un

One of them was the one I mentioned before, and another one was a mak cik who suffered from end stage breast cancer, with skin, lung and probably liver mets. Her death was also expected, i waited at the ward till 12.30pm, but she passed out at 1.30pm.. Her death marked the end of her long sorrowful live, being dumped by the husband when whe was given her 'death sentence' diagnosis of breast carcinoma few years previously, and which made me think how will my life ends? How can there be a man so cruel, leaving his wife behind when she is no longer attractive, no longer capable of serving him, when she was the one who sacrificed herself for him before??? Na'udzubillahi min dzaalik. I pray that I won't be as cruel as that..

To talk on the sacrifices of a mum-cum-wife, I just can't find the right words to potray how great the sacrifices are. Especially when she sacrifices her own dream for the sake of taking care of her family, when she agrees to get pregnant and breastfeed her babies thus losing her beauty in doing that (you know the unshapely abdomen, striated skin, sagging breasts), when she lends her ears to the grumblings of her loved ones, when she eat the leftover 
foods to avoid wasting and become obese... ahh i just can't imagine doing all that

At last mak cik returned to her Creator, may Allah bless her. To see the tears that flow from the eyes of her sons, I feel at ease to know that her absence meant something and her existence  was significant. And i stood not far from her bed, listening to the yasin 
being recited, indeed we belong to Him and to Him we will return........

Friday

Ouch someone bited my back!

Yesterday I got a news which was not easy on my ear drums- ghibah or back biting. Ouchh somebody back-bited me, how I hope it was non infectious, or else I won't forgive the one who transmitted the pathogen (which happens to be a super antigen to a friend but alhamdulillah not to me) into my blood.. because you see it is human nature- when someone starts talking something not nice about something else, then somebody else will try to support and share whatever similar experience they have, just to make the whole afffair soounds so extravaganza and all hmmm.. and I have the tendency to do the same- I am a human being!

And when someone back bites a person, he/she will have the tendency to bark back, and show off their fangs.. definitely not me or we will end up in an ugly inhumane fight. Come to think of it, sape yg suka ghibah ni sebenarnya? I don't mean to point my finger to anybody, but it is always those who have nothing better to do like makcik2 kampung (but ada makcik kg yg x begitu, and ada juga pekerja2 ofis yg begitu huu). And i just don't bother to entertain. BUT OF COURSE the first thing that I should do is to look back at myself, and assess whether they talk about true things. If it is true, then say ASTAGHFIRULLAH and IMPROVE. If it is not true, say LA HAWLAWALA QUWATA ILLA BILLAHIL ALIYIL AZIM and IGNORE. If it is true, then the opposite party is sinful for ghibah. If it is untrue then they are sinful for fitnah.

But I have my own life, I have my own believe, I have my own principles, and I feel happy feeling the purposes of my life and all the way acknowledging that Allah will always be with me.. He is the most Gracious, most MERCIFUL.. ALHAMDULILLAH =)

Wednesday

Searching for any wonder

When I looked at the last post, only then i realized that i has been sometime since i last wrote here. almost 1 week. i was sick with grieves i think, which impaired my ability to express. i wrote about 2 patients who died, and now another one is dying and deteriorating, 
which doesn't comfort me at all that i will live longer than her.. death can come at any time, 
which i was reminded of when a patient told me that the doctor who treated her died earlier 
than her.. Innalillahiwainnailaihi raji'un.. We belong to Him, and to Him we will return..

But that doesn't mend the bitter truth that i really miss my parents and want to go home, but a long and nightmarish weekend awaits me (because i have on-call on saturday but am currently thinking of skipping it huu), and the anti-depressant that i took (which consists of motivational advices from friends) doesn't seem to work at all! Dragging my reluctant heart to the hospital is very tiring indeed!! Astaghfirullah..

Saturday

AECD- Acute Exacerbation of Chronic Depression

Yesterday 2 patients died. I observed the CPR being done, came back from the hospital at nearly 12a.m because it was raining cats and dogs and my friend (the driver of the day) didn't have the valor to challenge the unfriendly weather and drive home. I went to the hospital again this morning, but decided that the ward was not an interesting place to be in for today, sat in the study room, did some discussion with a friend, expressed some inappropriate emotions, go back to the hostel and slept.

Do I obviously fulfill the requirement of being a psychiatric patient?? AECD- Acute Exacerbation of Chronic Depression, with unknown triggerring factor. According to the standard classification, this is severe persistent, no doubt about it with daily day symptoms, daily night symptoms, 
frequent exacerbation affecting daily activities. Ya Allah, help me to be a normal person.. I pray that I'll be just fine. I don't even know what is wrong with my life when i have everything tip-top and super-duper. Nothing is wrong at all with my life, except that I continue to be symptomatically depressed! 
That is weird..actually. Do I really feel sad with my current life this much???.......................... 

Thursday

Depressed more than ever

Because i am in extreme depression right now, that would be a legitimate alasan for me to ramble here!! And please, nobody is supposed to know the real me, i am being anonymous here! So I am not trying to exhibit hikmah or being extra kind or polite to anybody.

Kenapa la orang yang dah kawen tak nak layan psgn masing2 dengan elok? Pakai cantik2 for each other, bercakap baik2 to each other, and do all the romantic things that loving couples do???? Ni serabai, selekeh je. Sedih je tengok keadaan camni.

Best tau tengok orang yg dah kahwin and ada psgn yang HALAL bermanja-manja dengan each other.

KENAPA PULAK orang yang belum kahwin asyik nak jaga penampilan and ckp2 lembut2 to each other? Kenapa nak romantik2 and do all the things that UNMARRIED COUPLES SHOULDN'T DO??

MELUAT and NAK TERMUNTAH and DEPRESSING tau tengok orang yang belum kahwin ni mengada-ngada kat each other.. A reminder for MYSELF jangan la buat camtu coz everybody would feel the same way towards me!

whatever la. EVERYBODY has the tendency to do that, cuba tanya sapa2 semua memang suka buat camtu, but.... control la sniri huu. I am getting more depressed than ever.. huuu

Alaa bidzikrillah tathmainnal quluub..

I clerked a patient who had schizophrenia. I am having an internal debate of whether i should consult Dr Nora the psychiatrist..

Tuesday

oopsss!!

Dude, I've tried my best not to brood, but I still can't shoo away the question "why I am not in the same posting with you???" Dude-Ah-Long.. -sigh- you baca doa tak before the third year came, so that we'll b posted together? -sigh for the second time-. Make sure u pray a lot so that we'll be posted together in year 5 -sigh for the third time-.. the bleak future.. huu

Oh no my pure heart is tainted once again..! by the unacceptable pornographic nude pictures in the Moore (hey it's the anatomy book!) -sigh for the fourth time- It reveals how long a period I haven't opened this book, because I almost forgot of the inappropriate pictures.. but ALHAMDULILLAH i have covered them using the yellow stick-on-notes paper.. haha hanya orang yang beriman akan buat camni =P. Anyway i do think the pics are inappropriate, some of them needn't be shown pun. Needless! -sigh for the fifith time- ok anat, i'm trying to be in "good term" with you again hehe

It is now 19:41

It is almost 3 weeks, and yet i haven't forgotten a bit..

I have just finished a bowl of mee sup and I could have sworn that the chef used perencah maggi ayam!! (oops i blow out my own secret that i eat maggi as well haha). Tak aci langsung and the mee cost me Rm3.50 huu

Today marks my 1st day of Surgery posting. After a slightly-more-than-an-hour briefing, we were informed that we have Long Case presentation w Dr JK in an hour time (which means we have to cover the patients in the whole ward, only to find out later that the class was depressingly cancelled!). But at least we have tried our best to clerk all patients despite the ample time whih was sadly wasted to entertain our blurry minds..

I am so tired, and i have promised myself to be a better student this posting (hopefully i remember the promise till the end of the posting =P), excuse me for i desperately need my beauty sleep now before i work out my poor lazy brain shortly..

Everybody, study hard k!

Monday

Hari ini aku kalah

Have you ever imagined, life is a competition, a contest, a tournament. Life is for testing our aqidah, our iman, our akhlaq. Life always provide us with choices, but the choice that we make determine whether we are the winner or the loser. Life is a never ending evaluation, 
to see how far can we endure the hardship, and how best we tackle the challenges. Life is very short, 
and eternity can only be gained in the hereafter.

This morning i was due to meet someone. I waited for almost 1 hour ( ONE HOUR!!) before she finally arrived.. i was very mad, and i lost my temper, but that placed me in the place of a MANDATORY LOSER. Astaghfirullah.. i very seldom get angry with people, but when it comes to punctuality... it really ticks me off. May Allah forgive me for what have i done today.. Sorry to anybody who was affected.. ASTAGHFIRULLAH

Saturday

Men are from mars, women are from venus

I just don't know what to write, but hanging around (surfing the internet aimlessly) is not a good idea anyway.. so i end up stuck here, and make my mind think of something. But 1 thing i am sure of is..i blame myself because i did something which i shouldn't do.. watching a friend's wedding photo! That is so forbidden!

Before the hol, i managed to borrow a book from a friend- Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I just know, it is so unbelievable for me to read that book, i can't believe it myself -pheww-. And i skipped many parts -again, i am not enthusiastic the least in reading motivational books, no different from reading a novel- but Alhamdulillah.. from my 'scanning' (i just scanned the book to be truthful), i learnt that men are so different from women (a fact that everybody has known huu).

My review of this book-If you are not so keen in this matter or you just don't bother to change yourself or understand others, just forget about the book, it would be very boring (motivational books are always boring btw!!). If you are determined in acquiring communication skills between men(martian)  and women (venusian), first you have to understand the differences that they have. Of course, you can learn some of the differences from this book. BUT if you have the intention of MANIPULATING the opposite gender, boil this book in a broth 
and drink it! Or tadabbur each word contained in it. You'll definitely succeed gee.

To conclude, it is not a waste of time to read it, but on the other hand.......... read it yourself, only then you'll know. In the meantime, i'm searching for a new book.
1 thing for sure, I have to make my future husband read this =P

Friday

Arghh arghhhh!!

I am emotional when I watched Soleha- if you heve never heard of Soleha, it is an Indonesian movie which Ummi extremley loves watching. Kononnya nak potray a religious muslimah, Soleha who wears hijab and practise Islamic teaching BUT date his boyfriend and after that his fiance till late at night. Soleha is engaged to a man named Erfan after she thought her previous boyfriend had died. It turned out to be that her previous boyfriend was not dead, and turned out to be that Ervan and Rendra are brothers. Rendra was the real son of their parents while Ervan was an adoppted child. So you see the awkwardness tha exist between Soleha, Ervan and Rendra. And in today's episode, Rendra wanted to give a present to Soleha, but alhamdulillah she rejected it. She went out with Rendra, she did many things with Rendra and expected Ervan to not be jealous of that!! Fuhh geramnya. It shows of how shallow the knowledge of Muslim today regarding Islam itself. Islam is not hijab ONLY. Islam has outlined every single thing up to tiniest matter.

A women should take care of herself to prevent fitnah. What more if they are someone else's fiancee or wife. No wonder la nowadays divorce occurs rampantly.. because muslimaat are no more sensitive regarding this issue.. Fuhh geramnya!!

Ampang Medikal

Yesterday I was extremely unfortunate to be given the chance to watch Ampang Medikal. Initially Abah changed the tv channel and accidentally arrived at that particular programme. He quickly changed it again, and made faces, while saying "Ni cerita Grey's Anatomy ni". I was curious.. a Malaysian Grey's Anatomy? Then instinctively I changed back, to inspect the Malaysian Grey's Anatomy.. and it turned out to be Ampang Medikal. Oh yeah.. the second Medical Movie by Malaysian.. The first one was of course unnegligible, pathetic TOTAL failure. I am talking about cinta medik here. It spread the idea that medical students do 
nothing other than taking care of their love lives and scandals all the time (I say: How I  would love to do that!!. -while rolling my eyeballs upward, but hey I am not having seizure, though I had history of febrile 
fit when i was small). It was rubbish, I should say.
Ampang medikal is next. Quite interested, i took a more comfortable position in front of the big screen, only to experience an overwhelming disappointment few minutes later.. when i realized it was not different from cinta medik at all!!! How pathehtic. Well they shouldn't be called doctors, but lovebirds disguised in white coats huu. No wonder Abah despised that movie soo much..

Can't they at least produce something near to House M.D? Yeah everybody says something that sounds like "Oh cerita Dr gile ni ke?" but at least I learn many things from this movie, the main bulk of the story is the case. And at least i learnt that causes of anion gap acidosis are MUDPILES, and that pancreatic cyst can be caused by gallstone, or Cushing disease presented with truncal obesity, hypertension etc rather than "Kami nak 
pindahkan pak cik ni ke ICU kerana bimbang keadaannya menjadi semakin kritikal" Huu

Thursday

What is...?




What is more calming than sinking yourself in the beauty of Quranic recitation?
What is more inspiring than reading His promises for those who devote their life to Him?
What is more motivating than knowing that life doesn't end here, and everything we do today will be paid in the hereafter?
What is more relieving than understanding that His mercy and love are overwhelming?
What is more scarying than acknowledging His adzab is very severe?

Movie marathon

i tried to read the Browse textbook, but without any intention i fell asleep for 2.5 hours pheww from 1.30pm to 4pm, MasyaAllah!! And since sleeping was like entering a cinema, i have to admit that i accidentally  i watched few movies this afternoon huu. One of them was a repeated movie, and few others were new to me.. in OBVIOUS words..i had few dreams this afternoon, and frankly, one of them was a dream that i had before this. It was repeated! 
Hmm tulah tido lama sgt..

I dreamt of a patient whom i had met in the hospital. He actually had Protein-Losing Enteropathy but in my dream, he had HIV positive.. It was such a sad dream and it proved that I miss going to the hospital.. And in the same story, I was bringing my mum to the hospital to visit a relative, my mum was fragile and old, and i did my duty as a good daughter, protecting her and such.. which made me feel sad when i woke up, because i don't know whether i will do that in the future..
Would I be able to allocate a part of my timetable for her in the setting of my hectic life as a doctor..Would i be able to take care of her just like the way she took care of me when i was small? Would i be able to be by her side when she needs me most, just like her presence by my side when i  need support and a friend? Ya Allah help me to be a good daughter..

I did not plan to go back home after the examination, but suddenly there was an urge.. an inner voice which forced me to re-think.. that i should be by my parents' sides while i still have the chance, the space, the time..

Do appreciate your parents and treat them as nice as possible =)

Extra rajin

I have just arrived home at 6pm today. At 8pm, I had already browse the Browse's surgical textbook huu. It was not because I was an extremely hardworking student, but because i was 
overwhelmed by the guilt of not doing my best in the last block.. And now I am suffering from anxiety while waiting for the exam result to be ready.. 

I feel like something is swimming right in front of my eyes.. or probably in the vitreous humour of my eyes- that clearly explains what i am experiencing. It is now past 12am.. but when i know that there won't be any wardwork or class tomorrow, it feels like a waste to spend my night time sleeping... so much can be done huuu

BUT really i can't stand it anymore.. extreme sleepiness. Browse, we'll date again tomorrow insyaAllah =)

Wednesday

Examination

Today, ALHAMDULILLAH i anchored my ship at a new point charted on my navigation map- I had my first clinical examination! Ok I may sound like a a hopeless brat, sorry about that but it really meant something big to me.. Alhamdulillah.
Ok the exam was like this, today we were divided into 3 groups. The first group would start their session at 11.30am, 2nd group at 12pm and the third group at 12.30pm. Being such an unsensible don't-steal-my-parking-space sissy, i have to confess that i headed for the hospital at 7am when actually i was scheduled to start at 12.30pm- I was in the 3rd group. It's not a joke, it is extra-unimaginable-stress to find a parking space near the hospital nowadays -sigh-
Carrying the heavy load of anxiety in my chest (I should just be thankful to Allah that it didn't produce any precordial bulging or displace my apex beat), I headed to the ward with Mimi -one of my best buddy =)- repeating along the way how to do a Central Nervous System examination, we were exactly acting like 2 parrots.. and to acknowledge that in Malay parrots are called Kakak Tua -gosh, we were like 2 ancient sisters-
I guess everybody was anxious, proven by a phone call which i received from a friend, who asked me how to clerk an asthma case. Well you see in the last precious minutes, the normal feeling is.. suddenly an extremely efficient vacuum cleaner has sucked and cleared everything from our mind. I guess if we percuss the brain, the normal result is hyperresonance huuu
But i was at least relieved by the fact that my turn would be 4 hours away.. so i had around 240 minutes to prepare.. and to sulk. It was not a mystery anyway when we arrived in the ward, none of the 3rd year medical students was around, it was still to early. And we actually took the opportunity to smack each other (whoaa!! actually we tried to find deep tendon reflex in each other hehe) for uncountable times! What a joke hehe
Not much later, a friend arrived.. and few others.. so you can just imagine when someone asked "Crept is heard during which phase? Inspiratory or expiratory?" It was answered by this, "Should we do a complete abdominal examination if we are asked to do haematological system examination?", or when someone asked "Apa finding dalam meningitis?", it was answered by exclamation of "Ya Allah, tak baca langsung pasal HIV" etc. And out of nowhere someone religiously recited the components of Glasgow coma scale, BUT OF COURSE the popular choosen words were: Cuak, Takut, Berdebar, Ketaq etc..-SIGH-
Suddenly the door of the was opened, and... Dr Wahab (our head of pediatric department, our lecturer) made his holy appearance. It was SOO HOLY that an aura of paroxysmal panic spread into the room and diffused through our skins and directly to visceras especially the heart and intestine..because it did produce a symptom of palpitation, tachycardia, shortness of breath, and abdominal cramp.. they call it psychosomatic pain. If anyone just can't imagine the situation, ask Harry Potter regarding his experiences while encountering the dementors and being offered death kisses, or when encountering hollows in Bleach.. i am more than sure the experience is exactly the same huu.
And suddenly Dr wahab told us all to start the exam, despite our group designation. I was about to drop dead on the floor, but at least the remain of strong-will forced me to gather myself up and just brave any obstacles that awaits.. just like a macho warrior, off to the battlefield hahaha.
But alhamdulillah 4 of us was assigned to patients in the same cubicle, and we actually discussed regarding our case! It was not different from the daily ward activity, everybody was talking to each other.. and of course i helped myself to the patient's folder, and brushed my skill in copying the vital signs and anthropometric meaurements haha. Those who were a bit unlucky, they had to do all that by theirselves..

I can't find the right words to describe how grateful I am..because i won't be feeling relieved if only Allah hasn't helped me in the examination. I can assure that i got a simple case (febrile fit), a cooperative patient (2 year old boy who was very active and obey commands and CUTE!), and a lenient lecturer (Prof Aye Aye who helped me a lot throughout my presentation, and smiled to make me feel relax perhaps though I know that many a times i made mistakes). Then the rest was depending on whether I have studied or not (which i do not dare to comment.. due to the hopeless syndrome crisis which i got before the exam).. and of course taqdir. Allah knows what is best for me.

To think that the mother of my patient told me what the doctor has told her..
Mum: Doktor kata tonsil dia bengkak, merah
Me (dalam hati): Good, now i don't have to find the reason for fever
Mum: Ha ni bengkak ni (while showing towards the left submandibular lymphadenopathy measuring 1 cm x 1 cm)
Me (dalam hati): Ya Allah, excellent! Probably i would have missed the lymphadenopathy if she hadn't mentioned it earlier
SUBHANALLAH ALLAHUAKBAR WALILLAHILHAMD

For the short case, I had to comment a Down Syndrome patient to Dr Siti Noor. A very sweet and nice Dr, but very intelligent also which made me feel very inferior to her hehe. It should be an easy case, but as i was experiencing absence seizure at that time, i kind of zoom out huu. And the fact that i was asked regarding the anatomy of hands (i don't even remember the middle phalanges exist!!!!) did not help at all! Worst was I had a facial muscle cramp which started when I was smiling, and obviously that resulted in me smiling throughout the short case even when Dr said (Do you want to go back to year 1 and learn anatomy?" OMG, i am very sure it looked like a pasted smile but what to do.. everything was over.. But alhamdulillah ala kulli hal..

Special thanks to MIMI, Ghaus, Salam and Afiq who helped me to relax during the clerking phase (by showing that you all were cuak too and made me realize i was not the only candidate who menggelabah tahap extreme huu), and who helped me to relax before the presentation by entertaining my killer question of "How can we rule out meningitis?" Jazakumullah.

Monday

Is this a personal blog??..

Somebody make me think, is this a personal blog? Is it meant for myself only? Aren't other people welcomed to browse and scan and read it? Ok, back to basic, the 1st hadith in 40 hadith compiled by Imam Nawawi- It is regarding intention. Niat.

Innama al'a3maalu binniyati, wa innama likullim ri im ma nawa..

Indeed a deed is repaid by the intention of doing it, and indeed for every single thing, i according to what we have earlier intentionalized..

And what was and is my intention of writing this blog? We write to express, we write to convey, we write to share.. And i hope I can share anything 
good with the readers, in the most relaxing way, but along the way I keep succumbing to the downside of human nature and a spectrum of unpredictable roller coaster emotions.. which of course affect my writing. And give birth to the extreme guilt which I am experiencing whenever anybody read this hehe. Well, you see that is life. You are tested by Him, you stumble, but you recollect your strength, stand up and move on. That is how each of us learn..=) Life is so intricate, delicate and wonderful.. rght? I just can't stop myself from feeling awed by all these wonders bestowed upon us absolutely by Allah

Truth is, anybody is Most Welcomed to read this blog IF ONLY he/she can stand all the grumpiness and negativism which i have excellently stored in this page. My advise is, do choose whatever is good for you, and filter out whatever 
irrelevant stuffs in this blog.

I am not perfect, I am not wise, I am not great, I am just a backstreet lady who has nothing to offer, except for concern and care as ur ukhti fil Islam insyaAllah =)

Dear readers

Dear readers, this is a personal blog about personal issues, concerns, experiences, feelings and doings which don't help other people (at least), but you are welcome to read it since it is already a public blog that's not restricted to a certified reader. However, if you find anything good in it, then pray to Allah that He rewards me for it and pray that you may benefit from it as well. If on the other hand, you find some desestable articles, commentaries (etc), then point it out as a concerned Muslim so that we correct each other in the spirit of Islam and enjoining good. =)

Saturday

Thanks ukhti =)

An achievement which I should immortalize in my very own The Most Impossible Book of Stale Record- I actually managed to stay up late last night and wake up early this morning just to complete the past year exam questions!!!! Thanks to a great comrade who managed to make 
me feel obliged to sweat it out hehe. Alhamdulillah, but in the most regret tone, I have to meekly 
make a non-apologizable confession to her, that I slept straightaway after her 'holy departure' from my room =P It's the qishas system- sleep deprivation should only be compensated with sleep.

To be very truthful, I miss going to the ward and tire myself to listlessness with GCS of 3 huuu..

Thursday

Case Report from X Files

Known case of
1.Chronic depression
2.Complex Brain Wiring Disease
3.Severe Anomalous Perception
4.Persistent cardiopathy, resistant to treatment

Chief complain:
Chronic sleep for.... day duration + personality changes for... day duartion

History of Presenting Illness:

Hearing inner voices telling her to get her beauty sleep and probably acquire hints for the exam in her dream as well
Having illusion- misinterpret her laptop as probably a cake with white frosting which should be delicious to sink the teeth into, or joyous for the intestinal villi to do overtime work of absorbing all the electrical calories

With hepatomegaly, I would like to make a provisional diagnosis of this patient:
Paroxysmal Never-mentioned-before Hopeless Syndrome

Wednesday

Cuak sangat.

i was waiting for the bus from the hospital to my college. when suddenly an uncle walked passed me. out of the blue, he asked me what was i doing, whether i was waiting for the bus. i actually stammered when i said "a'ah". "Student UIA ke?" Still blurry, i nodded. "Bila lagi nak kahwin?" Disoriented. "Kahwin la cepat. Banyak2kan baca surah Maryam ye" He smiled and went away.

Dan ku yang masih tercengang-cengang dan tak terkata-kata lagi.. terus tertengok je pak cik tu berlalu pergi. And i wasted no time to look at myself, "Is there anything wrong with me? Rasa macam tengah duduk dengan baik je at the bus stand." Memang cuak sangat, i thought i forgot to wear my tudung etc. Huh.. ada juga manusia camni..