Seperti Khadijah kepada Rasulullah

Today I am in the melancholic mood again after such severe diarrhea. It was due to the keropok lekor rebus that I ate this morning, I am sure.

2 days ago, I went to Kedai Buku Ansar in KP with Hana, in a vigorous search of wifey books. At that point of time, I had just realized that what I had in me was not enough for me to be a good wife. In the end, I bought two books

1. Kisah cinta sejati Khadijah  by Abdul Mun'im Muhammad Umar

2. Jalan Kebahagiaan by ...

The first chapter I read was of course on anger. Why? Because at that time I was still feeling extremely sad after being scolded by A'thiq for some reason. Kesedihan di hati masih tinggi. Why sad? Because after the scolding session, I am extra aware that I haven't done enough to make him feel happy.. Ini baru je bertunang dan duduk berjauhan.. apatah lagi jika dah berkahwin dan duduk bersama? Pasti banyak lagi kelemahanku yang akan mengecewakan dia..

Starting from there I was so determined (and still am) to change drastically. To change to be a better person. Menjadi isteri solehah yang sentiasa membahagiakan suami. Aku ingin menjadi seperti Khadijah kepada Rasulullah, sehinggakan pemergiannya meninggalkan nama, kehilangannya diiringi air mata, kesunyian hidup tanpanya mebuahkan rindu, dan meskipun dengan ketiadaannya, namanya sentiasa saja meniti dibibir Rasulullah, diungguli dan bagaimana pula perasaan dalam hati baginda? Pastinya tersangat merindui isteri tercinta!

Ya, aku ingin menjadi seperti dia. I want my presence in his life become a priceless gift. Aku begitu ingin menjadi bidadari kepada dia, menjadi ibu anak-anaknya, menjadi tempat untuk dia bermanja, menjadi temannya mengejar cinta dan redha Yang Maha Esa, beriringan dengannya menyusuri jalan mencari syurgaNya.. 

Aku ingin menjadi seperti kahdijah kepada Rasulullah....

Zaujah of Muhammad al-A'thiq Marzuki

Initially I planned to give this blog to my husband, Muhammad al-A'thiq Marzuki since I already had another blog- Have A Cup of Cappuccino. However now I am thinking of sharing this blog with him, since Zauji hated the other blog so much that he wanted to delete it. While writing this, the blog still exists. 

3 weeks and 6 days until our wedding

I start to make internal preparation to be a wife. Today marks the day when I aggresively read on tips to be an isteri solehah. It is not easy, yup it is definitely far from easy...

Born in a small family of 5 siblings + ummi + abah, and being the second child out of 5, with 1 mature sister and 2 mature younger bros below me, having a very patient and tough elder sister and a passive lovely housewife as my mummy, a very great dad and recently i received a sporting elder brother (kakak got married), I think I am a spoilt kid. Yup, very spoilt. I am used to getting what I want easily, and pampered and I am not used to be shouted at (except when I was small and abah was very garang back then to make sure we grew up right) neither roughly handled, I am definitely spoilt. I cry very easily and over the smallest thing when others don't think it is a valid reason to cry. I had a very easy life Alhamdulillah, being an average student since i started primary school until i got admitted to a medical school. 

I got engaged at the old age of 21 (because my childhood dream was to get married at the age of 18), learning about A'thiq. InsyaAllah will be his wife at the age of 23. Engagement wasn't an easy period for me or for A'thiq. Simply because I am such a spoilt kid.. It's hard for him to scold me for my wrongdoings, because I would remember it forever, and of course I would cry. Even though we are not yet married, I consider that I already have two families. My family and his family. If previously I whined to Ummi and my sibs, now I extend my whining to his sister huhu. Bila merajuk mengadu kat family member dia haha. Am I plotting a strategy to expel him or what?? I'm trying to conquer everything perhaps :p That's the worst problem~ I'm very good at acting cunning

Ego, Keras kepala, Akhlaq buruk~ name it, I have being labelled by him. Only now I realize that I don't have the slightest criteria to be classified as isteri solehah. I am extra manja, I am always pampered, I am bossy, I don't help him in lessening his burden. I take his presence lightly and emphasize more on my medical training and building my career. I want to always feel appreciated, but I guess I very seldom make him feel appreciated.. 

A'thiq I am truly sorry for that..

But today, I have decided since I am going to be a wife, and since I am going to be a mummy, I have to be as mature as ummi. i shouldn't act childish further. Along my journey towards being an isteri solehah, I will jot here every now and then my experience, my tears, my joy. How I hope I will be THE ONLY and THE BEST ZAUJAH for Muhammad al-A'thiq Marzuki...

Ameen.

How our path intersected!

I'm now about to finish the 4th week of O&G posting.. haisy sedar tak sedar I'm reaching closer to the finsihing line of 3rd year.. and the starting point of my life with A'thiq :)

Believe me, to be engaged for 2 years (without adding the period since the first time we have decided to spend the rest of our life together) and in the same time trying our best to be strict on muamalah is closer than next to impossible.. for me at least huu.

So what do I do when he refuses (by all means!!) to go out of my mind?? I write and write and write and write whatever that can make me feel relieved! And I am writing this obviously for the same reason.. because I haven't heard from him for quite a long time. The closer the wedding approaches, the harder it is to get everythong under control, so to those who are planning to get married, just be prepared for the worst that is yet to come haha.

I haven't updated on our wedding preparation for quite a long time. Was not in the mood but now I am :D But it will be in the next post because currently I want to tell you how our (me and athiq's) life path intersected!

I kept asking him, when did he first know me. He kept refusing to answer because he said, he would someday reveal it to me... after our marriage huu. But 1 day he did tell me, after (i think) he felt tired when i asked him the same question again and again hehe.

Ni athiq's part of the story:

Kenal nama tyme 1st sem, 1st year. ada tmpal kt sains building. Dkat dgn lif tu. Tyme tu tngok nama2 medic DQ. Skali tbaca ur name skali. Tyme tu ana dgn Erfun kot klau xsalah.. Then diorg tnya, sdara nta ke Athiq? Ana jawab 'a'aaah' smbil tsenyum. Diorg kata sdara sbb ada 'al' kt both of our name.
Kenal Maryam in person tyme Maryam Mengajar ana. sem last. Seriously, ana mula betul2 'jatuh hati' tyme Maryam ajar bab microb baik n microb jahat tyme tu. Bab 1 bio 3.
Sedar xsedar, dh jd tunang ana. Xlama lg bkal jd Permaisuri n teman hidup ana.. Jazakillah Maryam!!

Ni pula my part of the story:

Maryam 1st time tahu nama waktu kat program kat rumah seorang doktor. Apa yg mrym fikir waktu tu, "Eh macam nama kak athiqah la!" (k. athiqah DQ). Tgk nama ada 'al' pastu trasa mcm nama lebih kurang hehe. Tp waktu tu, nama hazim (a friend of ours) pun ada 'al' jugak.. so taklah pelik sangat. Tp tak kenal muka lagi waktu tu. Pastu rasanya waktu short sem, kami pernah conduct program untuk junior kot, tak pasti kat mana, dah lama sangat huu. Tp waktu tu ada la cam minat sket2 hehe. Pastu ckp kat asma' (my sister) because asma' join program tu waktu tu
Asma sibuk2 nak tgk nta yg mana satu, tp mrym sgt3 segan nak tunjuk. Mrym tak tahu what else should I do, maka berdoalah hehe. Seminggu lepas tu, athiq terus sms ALHAMDULILLAH. 
Kiranya waktu tu dah ready nak terima tp still istikharah lg takut terlalu ikut nafsu huuu
Sgt3 terkejut waktu athiq sms tu.. tak sangka begitu cepat Allah menjawab hambaNya......
Waktu britahu Asma' n kakak pun diorng terkejut sebab diorng dah tahu psl a'thiq sblum tu lg hehe

When he listened to my part of the story, he said

JAZAKILLAH MARYAM!! InsyaAllah ana TAK AKAN Sia2kan pilihan dan Keputusan Maryam. Ana Janji.

Jazakallah akhi!

26th January 2009

Though I think it is a bit late, but I am still very happy to start blogging about my wedding planning :) To start with, my engagement took place on 27th May 2007 (whoa such a long time ago!!). It was a small occassion but significant (to me at least hehe). 
That was the first time I met his family.. and such a big family!! I have 5 siblings, and the 
youngest was 14 at that time, he has 10 siblings and the youngest was 3 months old!!!!

I clearly remembered that day, I was SOOO tired of cooking (we cooked ourselves huuu) that I went to sleep at 11am. And when his family arrived at around zohr, I was fast asleep!!!

Only when my mum cried at the top of her lung and Umar playfully told me "Bapak mertua mu da sampai", I drowsily walked to the bathroom to take my bath!! Haha and truthfully I was not anxious at all, probably because he was not around (he was faraway in Jordan. Trust me I couldn't even breathe when he was around and still.... so if i faint on my wedding day, you should remember the provisional diagnosis- Hypoxemic attack secondary to psychosomatic apnea k).. so I think I passed gracefully :)

But I didn't receive my engagement ring until later- somewhere in August. That was explained by his homecoming from jordan during his holiday. He bought my ring himself in Jordan :) And he came with his cousin to meet my abah. Yup, you are right, I didn' dare to meet him, 
and he went back with frustration after handing in the ring and we exchanged our gifts (ummi was the mediator hik hik). 
I just wanted to avoid the apnea :p

Truthfully we wanted to get married a.s.a.p but my abah couldn't disagree more. So we 'pestered' him until he finally said "YES" 2 years later!!! Can you just imagine the emotional roller coaster ride that we went through the whole 2.5 years!! (the engagement was 6 months after he first proposed me) It was damn terrible. I wanted to talk to him so much, I wanted to share my life with him, I wanted to feel cared and loved by him.. but everything was just... IMPOSSIBLE.

We rarely sms each other back then. And by the word 'rarely', it means EXTREMELY RARE. Don't even mention phone call, it was to me (my personal opinion back then when i was such a inexperience perfectionist) the most sinful thing haha. But i was extremely depressed. And we fought each other almost everyday, and I didn't even know why did we agree to get engaged! It felt like hell.

Ummi helped us a lot. Whenever he was depressed, and he just didn't know how to handle my terrible EQ and emotional breakdown, he would consult Ummi. Whenever I refused to contact or contacted by him (which was almost all the time), 
he would consult Ummi and asked her how I am doing. Whenever I felt like breaking up with him, 
I would consult Ummi. Whenever I felt the depression was too much to be handled, I would 
consult Ummi. So you see she was and is still our relationship counsellor. She is just soo great, 
we love her sooo much!!

My advise: if you are such a strict person on Islamic syariah esp on muamalat, and you won't feel at ease having free communication with the opposite sex, or you want to avoid any syubhah, please don't be engaged for too long. It was a disaster, and it was terrible. Many a time I thought of breaking up, because the relationship was so stressful (He was a great person to me, and the fact that I couldn't share my life with him throughout the engagement period was so unbearable, that I just wanted to forget about him and marry somebody else)

But alhamdulillah after 2 years being engaged, we have learnt a lot. We still fight each other now, but we become friends again after just a short while. We learnt not to be egoistic. Most of the time (remember that, akhi) I would be the one who apologize first eventhough I feel it is not my fault, and he would follow (It feels so nice :>) We don't involve Ummi in our occassional little fights anymore hehe. We sms each other occasionally, and YM, and call but we are still very careful and strict on the forbidden romantic part huhuu. Everything is very sophisticated and formal, and I think I sound like a robot on the phone! -sigh-.waiting for the day..

I have grown close to his family especially his sister who quite frequently calls me, thanks Huda:) And I found out that I have so much in common with his sister, Eizzah regarding cooking, and we just can't stop exchanging recipes whenever we meet! or even through sms haha. And his mum is such a great tailor that I can't wait to learn something from her!! because I am also fond of sewing. Allah has planned everything perfectly insyaAllah.

There is so much to tell! I'll write from time to time insyaAllah :)