I woke up this morning with a very bad feeling.. but remembering that I have to do a formal case presentation with my mentor today, taking a leave was not a choice, so I kinda said to myself, "never mind, you can always go back after the cp" haha because I was dead sure I had the inclination to go back only after office hours. But I felt much better when Abang called, and recited few pages from the Quran for me.. Of course after he asked whether I have recited the Quran, and I had to give a sheepish "No" as an answer..

The CP was lousy, first thing becuase the history was lousy (not because of me ok :p but because it was just not a typical disease presentation), secondly I examined the patient a week ago, so when I was asked

"Did you examine the patient?"

I answered, "Em, I examined him a long time ago"

"Never mind, just tell us the findings a long time ago"

"I don't remember la, Dr"

"Oh ok, did you manage to inspect the swelling and the discharging sinuses?"

"Yyess... tp sekejap je, because actually the skin Dr nak inspect, the nurse turned the patient (the swelling was on the back), and sempat tgk sekejap"

"So can you describe it? Ke tak boleh jugak?"

"Tengok sekejap sangat, dah tak ingat dah..."

"You ni banyak betul alasan"

Aku tersengih kambing, Dr pun taktau nak cakap ape huhuuu he just laughed. Kenapalah aku lousy sgt huu. Finally he checked the patient's file, only to find a lousy documentation as well huuuu.

"Dr, kita buat la short case kat patient tu" (meaning we examine him on-the-spot)

"Hmm I think not much that we can find.."

I was prepared to be bashed on the history part, and even attempted suicide by suggesting the short case thing. Well, it was a spine case, and truthfully I'm not good at examining the spine..

Everything said and done. I went to the OT after that, and came back after 5.30pm (hahaa sangatlaa "awal"nya aku balik, way deviated from my original plan :D see i told ya!!). Was a bit drousy in the OT, when the surgeon talked of polygamy; I wonder why do men like to talk about polygamy huuu

My room is jinxed, because the moment I enter it, I start to cry. Missing abang tooooo muccchhhhhhhhh. So I asked Ummi to give me a call, discussed things with her.. and feeling better Alhamdulillah :)


Trying to build a home. Fullstop.

I have been delaying..for more than 1 month. Okay, I'm moving out. Adapting to a new environment isn't easy. Settling down isn't easy either. Now I start to question the decision- why of all things, I decided to move out from the hostel?? Oopps, I remember, it was the quest for a meaningful life ngeh~ oh well, now I clearly remember- the no-fridge, no-cooking in the mahallah, the rampant 'saman' activity, the...

I've been stufing the house with 'homely things' to make it bearable.. the sweet rose curtain, the yet-to-arrive cottagey white furnitures, the pinky toilet equipments, and of course the things that Ummi gave me (the cutleries, containers and all kinds of just-name-it kitchen thingies which she found in her kitchen) but still the house isn't a home..

I've tried spending time every now and then in the house, for few hours just to put myself at ease, being in the new house..Now I start to postulate, the thing that can transform it into a home are the nice smell of baking, the lovely scent of floor cleaner, the fresh aroma of newly washed laundries. Huu probably my bread machine is the thing that I need!! :p

I told abang, the house feels so empty, so unbearable..huu seriously I'm having a psychiatric problem. I just don't know how to fit in.. Or is it just that I don't want to miss the delicious Kuey Teow Kungfu from the mahallah cafe ?? (haha I buy it practically everyday)

Ahh I'm so dumbfounded.. and planning for another trip to go back home.. the dirty KL is a home indeed.. not in the mood to do anything anyway.. with another 2 weeks of ortho left..I kinda hope exam will take place tomorrow, and I will have my holiday huu, but then I'm not prepared, but yep time travels too slowly, and that gives me all the reason to go back again..hoping that time will crawl faster..really not in the mood to do anything...

I have to go to OT tomorrow.. sgtla malas..

I have on call tomorrow... sgt laaaaaaaaaaaa malassssssssss

Uh-uh, what have you done to the real Maryam????? psssssss........ Awal muharram baru je lepas.. New year pulak sket lagi, tp aku semakin malas... Astaghfirullah. Kalau orang tanya, di mana semangat kamu? Semangat saya ada di Jordan huuuu. Maaflah kepada abang yang setiap hari terpaksa tadah telinga melayan aku yg rindu2 kat abang, suke nangis2 lg ehehe.

Abang's final exam is approaching, another 2 weeks to go.. Chaiyok abang! Go abang go (dinyanyikan dlm tune Inspector Gadget ok). Go for your dream!! Me? Dream dlm tido zzz :D


Rasa nak tergelak bila teringat :D

With the abundant of notes screaming for completion, and the wasted times for shedding tears in missing abang, I guess finally I've found a tiny speck of chance to write something which isn't that worth of writing, but readable hopefully huh~

I have this 'bad habit' of talking too much. My evergreen victim? Ummi of course haha. I used to follow her around while she was busying herself with household chores of course, and talk about almost everything, and when she finally took a rest to enjoy the newspaper, I refused to call it a day, and happily continued with this activity haha. The thing is, I knew all along that she wasn't paying attention, and just replied with a careless "hmm" every now and then :D but that didn't dampen the spirit anyway. So I told her every single thing that happened in school, I told her about every single person that I encounter in very meticulous details (no wonder she usually can guess which is which whenever she meet my friends for the first time huu).. so the story is..

I continue to act that way in Medical school. Huu. But instead of telling her about my friends, I tell her about my patients, excluding the name for confidential purpose of course. My first posting was Paeds. I clearly remember I told her of a boy, whose mother was a single mother, She was a rubber tapper, and she had 13 kids to be fed. They lived in a small kampung house, with 2 rooms, together with her grandchildren- 16 people! I told her the boy wore worn out clothes, torn and stitched.. I told her with great emotion.. and guess what? I ended going to the ward, with a bag full of second hand clothes- ni my bros punya, yg still elok, tp dah tak muat size :), well they grow so fast! and some amount of cash- definitely not from me but from Ummi. I remember that mak cik was so touched, that she repeatedly said that she'd pray for my success etc.. when i was not actually my deed huuu...

That was the first time and definitely not the last time becuase I continue to promote my patients to Ummi hahaha. Now, I've started thinking of changing my career from a doctor to a politician, I seriously think I'm good at lobbying :p. Maybe I can be as good as Shahrizat?? huuu. The thing that struck me (and continues making me feel insaf huu) is my mum is a housewife with 0 (spell Z-E-R-O) income. But she doesn't mind in donating the little amount of money that she has huu (Ummi rajin kumpul sikit2 duit that abah allocates for food).

Last week, she asked me to search for a water filter at the shopping complex; she has been dreaming of owning an RO water filter that costs thousands of ringgit since years back I guess. (Ummi takut buah pinggang rosak if minum air not properly filtered hehe) So she has been saving some money for quite sometime (I think it's not enough yet, but nearly reaching her aim :D). But this week, I arrived home on Friday with another story of my new patient.. and she sacrificed some amount of money from whatever that she has..

Tapi aku? Dahla jarang bersedekah.. boros pulak tu.. huu really I should learn the lesson.
1. Jgn jadi kedekut, rajinlah bersedekah
2. Jangan jadi isteri yang suka habiskan duit suami
3. Pandai2 berjimat



Hampir genap 3 bulan aku dan abang berjauhan..

Air mata? Memang tidak tertahan..

And I have done so many things, name them- studying, shopping, excessive sleeping just to wash away the feeling.. but still...
Aku Sungguh3 merindukan insan ini... (T-T)

Farah's Wedding

My Abah
Athiq's Abah

My Ummi
A'thiq's mum

Awatif (my youngest sis in law) yg baru lepas menangis hehe

Our cousins.....
"Kak Maryam, Abg A'thiq mana?"
"Abg A'thiq kat Jordan"
"Kak Maryam, Abg A'thiq buat apa kat Jordan?"
they talk non-stop...
My sisters in law- Ipah, Ieman and Izzati

Snapped a photo with the bride :D

This entry is nothing of importance. Just few pics which I want to show to Abang who was missing in action hehe. Went to our cousin's wedding- Farah! Semoga perkahwinan dilimpahi barakah dr Allah :)


Jeleknya kesyukuran yg ada padaku..

Before I went to class, Abang asked me, kalau ada berita baik psl kwn ayang, ayang nak dgr dr kwn ayang or dari abang?
I answered "Abang"
He asked me lagi, "Kalau ada berita buruk pasal kawan ayang, ayang nak dgr dari kawan ayang or dari abang?"
I answered "Abang. Spy ayang tahu abang beratkan tentang kawan2 ayang"
Abang kata malam nanti dia nak cakap sesuatu.. I said ok..

I went to the Operaton Theatre today.. with a very hopeful feeling that I'd be able to do a case presentation. Lunch time was approaching and the Dr wanted to have his lunch, I couldn't contain myself and I cried..right in the OT huu (a habit I guess). Coincidentally there was a party in the nurse pantry in the OT (I don't know for what reason) and they invited us the medical students to join. With the wet nose, puffy eyes, the least that I wanted was to have a public appearance. So I just said thank you, but no thank you. Feeling very sad, I called Ummi. Ummi kata mana ada orang nangis sebab tak dpt buat CP.. And Ummi cakap rugi tak makan free especially when my friends said the cake and puddings were like heaven!! And I cried even harder. I smsed abang but he remained quiet.. Bertambah sedih. The feeling was like, sedihnya tak dpt CP, sedihnya abg jauh, sedihnya abang busy and sedih mcm2 benda lagi. But I was reminded that right at that moment somebody was having a harder and harsher time compared to me.. After quite sometime, Abang replied.He apologized for he was also busy in the Operation Theatre, observing cases of inguinal hernia and paraumbilical hernia. He told me to get my meal, pray 2 rakaat and remember that "Ada Orang yang lebih sedih dari kita sayang.. Abg dpt berita berkaitan 'Ukasyah semalam.."

I was left dumbfounded, trying to secure a meal (tak makan lagi seharian..). Terkedu dan terkesima. Jeleknya kesyukuran yang ada padaku... Astaghfirullah..


Tika itu..

This song is dedicated to Abang.. I want you to always be strong, I want you to continue fighting, I want you to patiently wait for me, and I want you... to know that I will always love you :D

Tika Itu from UNIC

Dan di ketika itu kita
Membina subur nur harapan
Terbina indah mimpiku
Terpatri sebuah ikatan
Hadapi segala rintangan
Indahnya sinar bercahaya
Dan di saat berbicara
Akan tekad yang di jiwa
Berpisah mengejar cita
Yang diimpi sekian lama
Kan ku abadi saat gemilang
Suka duka manisnya kenangan
Bersemadi di ingatan
Mogakan kekal sepanjang zaman
Hanya kuharapkan ketenangan
Melayari hidup sendirian
Dalam mengejar impian
Moga tertakdir rahmat di tuhan
Ku kan tetap bersama menuju impian di cita
Kepuncak kegemilangan yang tiada tara
Saat waktu kitakan pasti bersua akhirnya
Kita kan tetap bersama dalam mengejar cita



It’s Friday again and 1 week has passed.
Yesterday was the worst I guess, when we had the Basic Orthopaedic Skill Workshop (which I EXTREMELY love) from 8 to 5, and my on call expanded from 6pm to 12am (and I enjoyed it to the most of course due to my mentor’s teaching, except the fact that I didn’t manage to do any case presentation- again!! Well my patient was wheeled to the operation theatre the moment we entered the ward huh such meticulous coincidence) BUT I hadn’ t done my case writeup and my case summaries and it felt like something heavy compliantly clinging on.. Back from the hospital last night, I was totally drained out of the last drop of energy to complete them and of course collapsed.. and awoken up to a nightmarish very early morning, for the due date is TODAY!!

I hesitated between tahajjud or completing the case writeup. Really I was stucked in such a desperate position huu. . Weighing between the 2, I rationalized that submitting the case writeup was “wajib” for me hehe but the qiamullail was sunnah :p

There are things that sometimes I tend to forget say for example the beauty of tawakkal, the ease experienced in trusting in Him, the serenity enjoyed in qiyamullail, the dependency on Allah, the hope found in du’a, the relief in knowing that life is just for a while, the anxiety triggered by remembering the hereafter… and so many things..

There are times when I feel what I gain is much less than what I’ve been working for eg I don’t perform well in medicine, I don’t perform well elsewhere, I don’t get what I want, I’ve worked so hard and about to reach the limit and yet my aim is far from reach. And that’s when I’ll take a pause to break down and ponder.. upon what I’ve gone through. And I take time to cry.. I am most grateful to have my family, for the things that we share among us. I can freely tell them “Abang kenapa ayang rasa ayang dah belajar tapi tak pandai jugak, tak dpt jawab soalan” “Ummi, I’m so tired and I still don’t get any CP” “I am so afraid that I’ll be a doctor who will kill my patient” and things like that. Of course abang kaya dengan pujian berbakul2 hehe, but sometimes I forget the beauties in life..

Abang kata, takpela hari ni bad performance supaya esok ada ruang for improvement.
Ummi kata, tak apelah boleh cuba lagi
Allah kan uji hamba yang Dia sayang untuk tambahkan keimanan
Dan kadang kita terlupa ilmu itu milik Allah, no matter how hard you have tried, and you still don’t own it, it is His right, to lend it to anybody that He wills..

Rasa sedih, kecewa, dan tewas dicipta supaya kita dapat merasai keindahan dalam mengharap kepadaNya, ketenangan dalam meyakini taqdirNya, kepuasan dalam mencapai cita-cita

And I am glad I chose tahajud over the case writeup Alhamdulillah :)


Oh well, it's crap again!

The sun finally returns, bringing along the cheerful rays, Alhamdulillah for that (although at times it can be extremely hot that it burns!!) And it’s the craving for ice creams again. Currently enjoying the sickening green choc chip mint ice cream, I’m longing for a place called home. That’s 1 thing I really enjoy- eating ice creams while lazing around in the house. How extremely unproductive other than few pounds added here and there under the skin. It has been 2 weeks since I last went back, and absolutely I yearn for another trip back to KL

Trying to wipe out the memory of an unfinished business- it’s the recurrent diagnosis of Case write-up procrastination. Friday is the limit, and yet I haven’t started working on it. My on-calls tomorrow!! I am searching hard for the scent of trouble huu. Really can’t possibly wait for graduation to become a housewife (huu don’t MBBS graduates to become a doctor??) –shutting my eyes shut- don’t bother to wake me up to face the nightmarish reality.

Am closely watching my weight in suspense as well haha, for I make a big improvement by taking perfect meals nowadays.. Abang is unshakably determined to set his eyes on me and make a close and strict monitoring- for the diet, and for the weight gain of course. I am still trying to adapt to the fact that my hubby really wants his wife to be plump haisyy- it kinda spell trouble for me huuu.

We don't go to the ward that much this week. Had a whole day of Rehab teaching on monday, a whole day of Occupational Therapy & Physiotherapy on wednesday, a whole day of Basic Orthopedic Skill Workshop on Thursday.. But the feeling to just get done with Ortho is still there.. It's not the Ortho thingy, but it's the holiday thingy huu. I desperately need the 2-weeks holiday haissyy..

The current hot topic is scholarship. Seems like everybody is having an anxiety attack, speculating when will the JPA scholarship be available. Haissyy again... Will turn 23 tomorrow insyaAllah hahaha glad that I'm only 23 when most of my buddies are horrifyingly staring at the figure 24 ngee~ But age is just another method of measuring when what matters most are your iman and amalan and taqwa.. I don't know why do I have to write these useless things here anyway, but oh-well I forgot that I enjoy rambling so much~~~

I wonder why am I not flourishing in all aspects.. Do I live as a good muslimah?? I'm doubting the fact...

I need a second helping of the ice cream!!!


Another crap material just to untangle the confusion huu

It's Friday, people!! Eagerly welcoming the weekend :D Though abang is still busy, and I still won't have that ample of a chance to chat with him. Haha today he becomes one of the panelist for a forum called Tatkala Cinta Bertasbih in Mafraq.. I wonder what is it all about. Told him that I've finished watching the movie (the 1st episode only though), and fall in love with the song but am wondering how could a love possibly bertasbih? Never mind.. I am actually unable to really interpret the song haha maybe I need the poetic expertise of my sister (can you imagine that she actually has a degree in English literature?? wonder how does her mind work though through all the vague arrangement of words that seem to be placed in inappropriate places huh to give another unrelated meanings; but ended being an Aviation English lecturer hehe. Probably the aviation thingy is hereditary. But oh well she is retiring anyway, confirming that the housewife gene has an even stronger influence ngee~). I remember once she asked me to read a poem (from her thick English literature textbook of course) and even further asked me to interpret (gosh!!???? was that a compliment or merely to point out my mechanic mind??). Well I did try.. and I confidently answered it was 100% about fruits- pomellos and all. Only to be pointed out that I was way deviated as the poem was actually telling the story of a woman (pregnant woman; if my memory doesn't fail me)

Back to school I guess. The effort to suppress malingering isn’t giving any positive yield. Really it doesn’t help when you have to introduce yourself by saying:

“My mother is a full time housewife. I have 2 sisters. The elder is retiring in 1 month, and the younger is now a full time house daughter”

And really it didn’t help at all when we went back to kg during eiduladha, people were asking my sis, “How’s work?” “Oh I’m retiring” “Are you sure? You are a lecturer!” “Oh yeah, I think I’ll enjoy being a housewife” and “Asma’ buat ape sekarang?” “Goyang kaki kat rumah” I think I do look odd huhuuu.. don’t worry, there’s nothing much to worry other than my spiking depression level. It really wasn’t me when the line blurted from between my lips, “I’m so depressed” closely followed by hyperactive lacrimal glands. Ummi replied, “Mesti ade hikmah…”

“Batul, balik kuantan kul berapa esok?”
“Not sure. Tengahari kot”
“G hospital esok?”
“Definitely” (while imagining a horrifying Monday should I neglect my patient).
“Sejak bila pulak kamu tak g hospital kan..”
“I have a great life there”
“Tak lama lagi nak grad. Setahun lebih je lagi..”
“Yup considering I have 2 years of housemanship, 10 years of contract with JPA.. sure graduation seems so near” (sulking + imagining how can I possibly become a doctor in 1 year plus huu. A terrible one I'm sure)

It seems like ages since the last time I complaint of medicine. and now I’m complaining…. again. I really shouldn’t! Don't worry, I myself choose to join the working men's club :p I don't know why but ever since I join the ortho world, I seem to lose every drop of confidence that I used to have. However I am not very keen with the idea that a muslim doctor is usually perceived as not very competent, or can't be a consultant. Yet I'm at the loosing end -sigh-

"Ayang nak apa utk birthday? Kawan abang nak balik Malaysia, nanti abang kirim hadiah"
"I want you. Boleh ke?"
"Nanti abang tanya kawan abang, dia larat bawak ke tak"
"Tapi takut luggage overweight tak lepas kat airport.."
"Abang pun risau overweight jugak"

I'm almost half-way ortho, really can't patiently wait for the 3rd posting to finish (with 2 passes of course huu)


What cud be more gedik than that??

The happy news is... kakak is now pregnant!!!!! We are all extremely excited.. for the arrival of the first baby in our family. Basically because my youngest bro was born when I was 7 years old, so I have no experience taking care of a baby before. Asma' was excited asking me to confirm the pregnancy JUST by palpating the pulse (hahaha ingat ni cerita kuingfu cina ke?? rasa pulse terus dpt diagnose pregnancy). And the 3 of us girls had a giggly girl talk.. and I was called to do an abdominal examination gahh of course it was not palpable, my dear. It's only 1 month!! I started planning my schedule next year (after calcualting her LMP/ due date of course), to go back home every week throughout her pueperium (because she must be staying at home during that time) undeniably, I'll be more interested in the baby rather than the mum herself hahaha.

And Yasir? Being the youngest one, he wholeheartedly rejects the gelaran "Ayah cu" or "Pak Su". Instead he happily opts for "FATHERLY CU". Euwww how much more disgusting can it be??

Secondly, a best friend of mine is also pregnant. Tahniah Ijatku sayang!!!!
Today is Wednesday. Had grand round at the ward today. Followed my mentor's clinic afterwards. By now I very nearly become nonviable out of gratefulness.. My groupmates won't hesitate to agree that we have the best mentor (i have only one mentor after all haha). Reason? We have teaching almost every day. I think that's worst than Ryle's tube feeding, that is practically a TPN (Total Parenteral Nutrition)!!! But still I am not flourishing ortho-ly, wonder what's wrong..

Truth is, I don't know why do I miss Athiq so much (should there be any question about that? huh. As if missing a husband's presence is the biggest miracle on earth haha). Tomorrow marks the 2nd month of our separation.. huu miss him damn much... (tears..tears...) I don't know how many times have I read and reread and reread the birthday card that he sent (although my birthday will be 8 days from now) and never feel bored of doing it. And even put it beside my pillow, so that I can have a look at it every now and then (very frequently indeed haha). He was quite busy with the tourism thingy during his hol, and now he'll be busy in the ward (I'm saying this while imagining that I have 25 FREE hours per day). He'll again be busy this weekend.. aiyaa my hubby is very busy huuuuu... no wonder I miss him so muchhhhh..................................................

I'm trying hard not to write in a melancholic mood. But truth is, I am. (symptoms of mogok??). Luckily a news leave me in an extremely happy state :D will later tell what is it (I am menumpang kegembiraan orang this time around), though I still think of Abang endlessly..

Batul, pergila baca Quran!!!!!


Crap materials (useless really)

It's only Monday, and I'm praying hard for Thursday to arrive.. I really need a break. The 3 on calls I did last week, plus the moving out activity left me in such a devastated and tattered state.. And for the first time after Abang's return to Jordan, I finally press my pause button, to really sit down in the middle of the chaotic and hectic setting, determined to mark my own no-trespassing territory.. to break down. Breaching my own divine rule, while blanketed by utter confusion, I made a big sin, telling him, If only you're here..... If only you're here to help, or at least to lend me a smile..... That's a BIG no-no. And yet I didn't make the tiniest attempt to define today as a very bad day, with worst performance during teaching, and a wandering mind during class.. And that I don't think I can make it to the finishing line with grace.. or at least without chipping off my dignity..

Somehow I don't care how many hearts have I broken, how many souls have I turned down, I just have to move on.. May Allah bless those who have sincerely given me the infinity of space to breathe a breath of hope and step a step of improvement while I only manage to reply with a feeble thank you.. I'm so torn...


Now I'm discussing the weather

The extremely cold weather has cruelly taking its toll on me.. I'm succumbing to akinesia with hypofunctioning of the cerebrum and become bed-ridden, now I've started to worry for the appearance of bed sores.. How glad I am that this mahallah cubicle is very small thus eliminating any possibility of having to move around to do things- everything is practically within reach~ from the bed!! Hahaha. You step out of the bed only to find yourself standing on the sejadah. Extremely practical indeed! :D Abang said I'm lazy. I say, Abang, you are SOO TRUEEE!!! Currently I'm trying to work out on how can I read the big Miller textbook while lying supine huuu, sure it'll compress my abdominal organs. Haisyy

I shouldn't feel so at ease (Really I am not) when I haven't even finished the case writeup- have been procrastinating since last weekend and now I'm regretting huu. Moving out is also an issue on this rainy day, whoaa.. I'm addressing the most basic issue- laziness. My patient is another issue; failed to check out on her yesterday (was not in driving mood due to the chronic rain), definitley I've no other options today- ya ya hosp here I come.

Hasan Basri Rahimahullah said
"I've never seen a certainty closer to being doubted than people versus death (They are certain it will strike them, yet, they ignore its imminence). I've never seen truth that is closer to falsehood than that demonstrated by their statement, 'We seek paradise', yet, they ignore seeking their path"


I take the opportunity to snuggle under the comforter, this 'wintery' dawn with Pink-chan. It's the final quarter of the year, and rainy season has started to set in, which obviously raise the controversial issue of doing anything fruitful when hibernation seems to be the only rational activity huu. I don't feel comfortable walking in the hospital when my shoes happily play the role of a water basin, and compliantly contain the rainwater in them huu, nor do i feel glad to stay in the strongly air-conditioned lecture halls when my clothes are all wet, since I fear freezing to death. But that's life I guess~
I'm openly brooding over a family trip to Melaka this weekend (I'm the only one being left out because of the tight schedule gahh. Really should do something to take off my mind from it). Pondering back upon it, yep it was a hectic week. With my seminar on wednesday (Alhamdulillah presented :D), my on calls on thurs n fri, And as for the weekend, I'm planning to move out form the hostel huu.. Someone PLEASE give me a break!
Studying is another big issue. My depression is obviously not on a sliding scale as I journey along the path of Ortho.. the more classes I attend, the more teachings I obediently follow, the more BHT I read, the MORE I realize my mind is empty of the precious jewel called knowledge. I was asked in the ward round regarding the lower limb (of course I failed to answer), went back and study vigorously on lower limb, expecting to vomit out everything in the next session, but it turned out that I was asked on the upper limb (hand) the next day. Then it was vigorous study on upper limb, only to be asked on pelvic anatomy n fracture the next day. Ahhh!!!!! Demotivated sometimes, but I know that there is no such thing as giving up huuu. Logbook is not progressing much, which adds up to the burdenful stress huu. I guess the greatest motivation that I have are the ortho text books that Abah have bought for me and posted by Ummi to Kuantan. Graduating in 1.5 years???? That seems a bit too far-fetched, what type of doctor will I be?? Haihh macam tak competent je.
Abang has started his 2 weeks holiday (Raya Haji) ,he must be feeling very lonely and missing me much (aishh perasan la pulak haha). He wants to come back very badly, but being a cruel wife, I....... advised against it huu.. 1st thing the ticket is not cheap, secondly it's only a 2 week holiday, 3rdly, I'm quit busy with Ortho (nanti abang sedih asyik kna tunggu sorang2 huu, and I'll feel sad tak dpt bg layanan istimewa kat abang), 4thly................... The conclusion is I will celebrate Eidul adha without abang.. that makes me feel a bit sad but tolerable insyaAllah as I think I won't do much other than redeeming the lost sleep.. How I really miss him...


In response to Hana Insyirah's

Despite the sleepy aura that is enveloping me, following the last night on call, I still have the urge to write my personal say in response to Hana's article..

On my 1st day of Forensic posting, we got a case- my very 1st case; of a newly married 26 year old man who died (the cause was eventually found) of Acute Myocardial Infarct. Initially I wasn't aware of his NEWLY MARRIED status, when I asked a colleague, "Dia ni single ke?" When death is being dealt with, the 1st thing that comes to my mind is, "Agaknya apa yang ruh dia tgh buat skrg?". Secondly, "How do the loved ones react to this death?"

"Ya Allah Maryam, dia ni BARUUU JEE kahwin," a friend answered in a very dramatic way. "BARUU JE SEBULAN". I nodded. I was undoubtedly surprised, very surprised indeed. And I was not abnormal when the first thing that I thought of was- Athiq. I peeked through the window at the counter, to identify the relatives. Of course, I was trying to search for the wife. She could nowhere be seen. I only smiled at his parents. I inhaled a very deep breath and tried to relax, and asked this friend regarding the wife. Yes, she was present at the mortuary, her fingernails were still red with henna. I looked at my own hands, the fingernails were not red, and there were no engagement and wedding rings. Although I dislike colouring my fingernails red, and even further dislike wearing any jewelleries, suddenly I wanted to wear the rings very badly, the rings that Athiq bought for me himself, and feeling the serenity in knowing that I still have him, and I could still enjoy his love and care, and that he's still available for me to share my life with, and that he could still acknowledge and respond to my feelings.

Death is not an uncommon topic between a couple I guess, when Athiq likes to bring up this topic between us for an open discussion. For some reason, he likes to say that he thinks he'll die before I die (maybe he depends on the statistic that women lives longer than men due to the protective oestrogenic effect enjoyed by women). And that he's worried how will I cope (I guess he thinks I'm such a dependent lady, and that I'll definitely be a PSY patient should I face a death of my loved ones huuu). Ayat yang dia suka guna, "Ayang, nanti kalau abang pergi dulu, ayang jangan hidup dalam memori lama.. Ayang kena teruskan kehidupan, cari pasangan lain yang dapat bahagiakan ayang dan didik anak2 kita.." Me, as usual would turn 2 deaf ears to him huu, lest a Tsunami of tears would surely create a bizarre scenario. (I'm about to cry now, remembering these lines huu..). My usual answer, "OKAY" huhuuu.

If you are to consider between death and complete paralysis (you have to read hana's article hehe), obviously life would be choosen over death. But do you know whether in 4 years or 5 years taking care of such diasabled person, the same decision will be made again and again? I can't say, because I don't know, because I have never gone through that situation.. But generally a women is more caring.. sayang kat husband walau teruk macamana keadaan pun, tp a husband I personally think lebih cenderung untuk tinggalkan isteri and kahwin lain.

I never feel bored to bombard Athiq with Qs such as
"Abang, kalau ayang takde anak, abang nak kawen lain ke?"
"Abang, kalau ayang cacat, abang nak kawen lain ke?"
"Abang kalau satu hari nanti ayang sakit, abang akan tinggalkan ayang ke?"
"Abang, kalau ayang dah gemuk and tua and tak macam skrg physically, abang akan cari isteri yg muda ke?"
"Abang....." and all sorts of similar questions.. He usually tries not to answer, saying that I always have this negative thinking. By my own definition this is not pessimism, but rather a futuristic anticipation huuu (abang mesti tak setuju ni!)

The thing is, Allah always know what is best for us, and I really like to believe that ALLAH WILL NEVER TEST US WITH SOMETHING THAT WE ARE NOT CAPABLE OF FACING.. Dulu orang selalu tanya, boleh ke duduk jauh and kahwin ni? I said I didn't know because it was something that I had never faced before, but now I know.. And in such times, Allah will always guide you to go through it.. And if you strictly believe that this world is nothing but a mirage.. then you'll fnd the ease of heart that u have been searching for all this while.... insyaAllah

Following the forensic case, I searched hard for the things that will happen to the dead. I found out that there are few hadith Rasulullah telling us that the dead do listen to the livings..

but still, I humbly feel, to look at a paralysed person smiling face is much better than pouring out your kerinduan on a gloomy grave to a silent listener..


On 11th November..

I have few hours left before 12am, for me to increase my ortho knowledge to 6% (which I am sure is a peri-impossible stuff) because at times I am sure I'm best at doing nothing.. with the almost 3 hours seminar that has just finished (oh myyyy), I am at least feeling relieved with the owl that Hazwani has just sent- bringing along with it a very happy news indeed! which is NO PATIENT ADMITTED, and which signifies that I don't need to go to the ward tonight to cover any patient heheee.. and which FURTHER SIGNIFIES.. i have more time to do nothing ~uhuh (while trying to forget the 6% target..). I managed to do a CP in the OT today.. (berkata sambil tersengih-sengih kerana CP itu teruk, tp takpela, sebab my 1st ortho CP), well that was the thing that I had mentioned before

Staring at Athiq's YM & Skype status is indeed depressing (though I know he's busy in the hospital huhuuu, but sometimes I do hope for some miracle to happen such as he is online), which explains my arrival here in this blog just to let the time dashes before me even knowing. Well I do wonder how do the housemans manage their lives though.. Truth is I'm a bit upset over something today, but Allah always knows BEST isn't it? He won't test a person unless he/she is capable of being tested. And worldly life is not that of a single-chance.. unlike in the akhirah.. when one regrets their previous lives and very badly want to return to this world just to perform ibadah, but of course it'll be impossible... naudzubillah, may His Jannah will be our eternal place..

Ummu Ameer's Ortho News

I'm now about to enter my 3rd ortho day, trying to picture a not-so-bright immediate future within 12 weeks from now.. err hoping to see a flicker of light at the end of the tunnel? huu.. my only motivation is the slowly approaching 2-weeks holiday at the end of the posting huhuuuuu. I guess the start wasn't as bad as had being told before.. and the fact that the ortho pillars (the great Doctors) are mostly very fartherly and helpful brighten the prognosis by few percents.. though I don't know how will the transformation take place during exam when exacerbated by our stutterings, blocked thoughts and blank minds...

Tiring? A bit, when I came back from the hospital at around Maghrib even on the 1st 2 orientation days.. Well it was our fault as well, as the 10 of us clerked 1 patient TOGETHER! How our mentor laughed at that, imagining 10 medical students (erk there were 11 of us!! since wani is actually a 2 in 1 person hehe with the baby cosily tagging her around) hovering over a timid 12 yer old boy.. It's the spirit of togetherness I'm sure :) hopefully it'll remain till the end of the posting, when all of us can leave for good; WITHOUT a TCA (To come again), and leave not with just a pass, but with a body of ortho knolwedge competent enough to be applied in practise.

Huu it's the logbook-filling thingy again!!! Looking forward something today :p...........................................

But I do miss Abang very badly, as bad as the IIUM wireless internet connection huu because I am now feeling unsure of whether the connection is really there for us... yep, I spend more time to connect, only to be automatically disconnected immediately.....................................

The Dr told us to increase our knowledge 10% per week. Thus 100% in 10 weeks. 1 week consists of 5 working days, thus 2% per day. but the rate of loss??? a simple mathematical calculation indeed!!


Agar bidadari semuanya cemburu

Another 2 books which I managed to read during the hol.. entah kenapela rajin sgt nak buat book review hari ni..but i think i'm trying hard to wash away the melancholic mood due to the holiday which very nearly reaches the finishing line.. Gosh it sprinted!!
These 2 books belong to Mimi. When I borrowed this book, whe was quite surprised because seriously I'm not the type of person who loves to read books such as "Jadilah wanita plaing bahagia etc.." or specifically motivational books huu. But I guess sometimes you do need a mild dose of motivation.. or because I am in such a desperate position to be a subject of enviousness to the Bidadari Syurga?? Probably.. Um well.. maybe Abang can sense that I nurture envy very succesfully..since I don't only envy other women but bidadari syurga as well!!

From these 2 books, I get new motivation..
Untuk menjadi seperti Saidatina Khadijah, apabila Rasulullah mendapati padanya TEMAN PERJUANGAN dan KESETIAAN MENGGUNUNG:
Suatu ketika Rasulullah mengenangnya, "....Dia beriman kepadaku ketika semua mansuia ingkar. Dia membenarkanku ketika seluruh manusia nmendustakan. Dia membantuku dengan hartanya ketika semua manusia menahan harta mereka..." HR Ahmad

Untuk menjadi seperti Saidatina Aisyah, apabila Rasulullah mendapati padanya KEREHATAN PENUH CINTA:
"Nabi SAW biasa meletakkan kepala di pangkuanku walaupun aku sedang haidh, kemudian beliau membaca Quran" HR Abdurrazaq
Dalam riwayat lain disebutkan ketika sakit Rasulullah menghendaki hari bersama 'Aisyah sehinggga isteri-isterinya mengizinkannya berbuat sebgaimana yang beliau suka. Beliau ingin berada di rumah 'Aisyah hingga meninggal (HR Bukhari)
Dzikwan meriwayatkan bahawa 'Aisyah pernah berkata "Sesungguhnya kenikmatan yg diberikan Allah utkku adalah Rasulullah meninggal di rumahku, di hariku bersamanya, di dalam dakapan dan pelukanku.."

Menjadi seperi Nailah al Farafishah al Kalbiyah yang padanya Utsman ibn Affan dapati KETULUSAN..
bilamana pasukan pembangkang mengepung rumah Utsman lalu menerobos masuk dan mendapati beliau sedang tilawah. Mereka menghayunkan pedang ke tubuh tua Utsman, maka Nailah segera melindungi sehingga jari jemarinya terputus..

Atau seperti Aminah Quthb, isteri kepada Kamal Asy Syanariri (mujahid dakwah agung dr Syaikh Dr Abdullah Azzam) yang menuliskan syair kenangan untuk suami tercintanya dalam Risalah ila Asy Syahid
Aku tidak menunggu kepulangan dan janji2 sore
Aku tidak menunggu kereta kan kembali membawa secercah harap
Kau tinggalkan aku mengharungi hari-hari dalam kebisuan derita
Kau lihatkah bahawa rinduku untuk syurga atau cinta kelangitan
Kau lihatkah bahawa janji itu untuk Allah
Sudah tibakah saat pemenuhannya?
Aku berlalu bagai perindu
Sebagai pemabuk yang cinta mendengarkan panggilan
Kau jumpakah di sana para kekasih?
Apa warna pertemuan itu?
Dalam hijaunya syurga, dalam firdaus dan gemuruh kurnia
Di negeri kebenaran kalian berkumpul
Dalam damai dan perlindungan
Jika memang kerana itu, selamat datang kematian tergilas darah
Akankah aku menemuimu di sana, tinggalkan negeri derita
Ya, kan kutemui kau di sana
Janji yang diyakini orang-orang jujur
Kita dapatkan balasan, atas hari-hari yang kita lalui
Dalam derita dan cobaan
Kita kand dijaga dalam kebaikan
Tanpa takut perpisahan dan kefanaan

Ahh... terasa begitu jauh untuk menjadi seperti mereka.. Mereka yang mendampingi mujahid agama. Namun itu bukan penghalang untuk memasakkan langkah pertama.. kerana aku memang ingin sekali agar sekalian bidadari cemburu padaku

A taste of death...

Life is just like a dream that passes as fast as clouds..

It is mere hour of time that soon fades away...

It is a journey that has already started and will soon come to an abrupt end...

-an excerpt from Silent Moments by Abdul Malik al-Qasim-

O people!

Work righteous deeds, beware of Allah, the Exalted ans Modt-Honoured, and neither be betrayed by long hopes nor forget the end of life. Do not recline to this life, it deceives with its pleasures and anticipated future.

Life has beautified itself for those who seek its hand in marriage and became like the bride, to whom the eyes are staring, the hearts are directed and the souls are dedicating their love. How many a lover of this life has it destroyed? How many are those who rejoiced in it only to be betrayed soon after? Therefore look at it with the eye of truth, for it is a dwelling that has many traps and een its creator has belittled it. The new of this life soon becomes old, its kinship quickly vanishes, its mighty becomes disgraced, its abunant becomes little, its affection dies out and its pleasure perish.

Therefore wake up, may Allah grant His Mercy to you, from your sleep and be alert from your slumber, before it proclaims that so-and-so (you) has become ill or his movement has become heavy. Are there guides who lead to the cure and direct to the healer then? The doctors will be summoned for you, but they will render your recovery as unlikely. It will be then proclaimed that so-and-so has counted his wealth and wrote his will and testament. It will be said that his tongue has become heavy and so, he does not speak to his brethren or know his neighbours. Then your forehead will become sweaty and sighs of pain continuous. You will feel certain that death is approaching; your eyelids will become heavy, your doubts will turn to certainty, your tongue will mumble and your brethren will weep for you.

You will be told that this is your son and this is your brother, but you will not be able to speak, nor will your tongue b able to move. Then, the appointed destiny will overtake you and your soul will be deatched from your limbs and ascended to heaven. Your brethren will now gather around you, your shroud will be brought forth and they will wash you and wrap you with your shroud.

Those who used to visit you will cease to do so...

and those who envied you will put at rest their enviousness...

Your family will direct their attention at your wealth..

while you will be tied to your actions..............


Just one more day!

Just 1 more day before Forensic posting will end.. And I can't patiently wait for that day... I really have to admit the gigantic regret towards the finishing holiday.. ahh life is so tiring that sometimes you forget to inhale a deep and refreshing breath..
I have my own share of bad smell, nausea and vomiting in the mortuary, a fair share in braving traffic jams and not to forget, the haunting nightmares, waking up crying during the night only to make Athiq feel stress huuu (the only irony is my increasing appetite!!)
Being in the mortuary isn't something any sane human would dream of or worst; die for... (uh-uh we-ll, as a matter of fact, one really 'DIE FOR' a mortuary haha when one can only get into the mortuary once he/she is dead). But on the other end, I have to admit that I learnt a lot. First, I learn to pray hard that my body will not be investigated and post-mortemed. Second, I think hard of what happen after death...and feel... afraid? Just imagine when you are in the autopsy room (the room where post-mortems are carried out), a dead body laid on a steel bed, before your very eyes... and you start to wonder.. What is the ruh doing? Does the ruh look at the body from above? Can the dead hear us? Can they understand? Macamane keadaan dia dihadapan Allah? Gembirakah? Sedihkah? Adakah mereka ingin kembali ke dunia dan beramal..? endless questions... And when these questions are haywiring in the brain just like neurotransmitters during seizure... you start to reflect upon your own life.. What have I done in the almost 23 years of my life? Have I done enough? Am I prepared to leave this world to meet my creator? Do I feel my life is meaningful..? Do I regret the way I treat my loved ones? I don't know... I'm in such a bizarre state of mind........................

A surprise love letter for Athiq :) (silalah Athiq je yang baca ok)

I really want you to smile like this.. always :)

Saja upload gambar abang , masak ikan bakar during the previous ramadhan..

Kata ayah, "Kita dan Hawa semakin jauh terpisah bukan kerana jarak, tetapi kerana memori Hawa terhadap kita yg semakin hari semakin hilang"

Nenek membalas, " Tidak. Kamu salah. Kasih Hawa pada kita bukan seperti air sungai yang mengalir lalu hilang di muara. Kasih Hawa pada kita bukan seperti air hujan yang turun ke bumi meresap ke tanah lalu terus hilang, Tapi kasih Hawa pada kita bagai sang mentari yang sentiasa bersinar terang si siang hari. Dan pabila malam, ia memancarkan sinar melalui bulan dan bintang-bintang"

Everytime I come back home, Ummi surely would be following a new drama. And now it's the Puteri Bunian. (Those who watch the movie must be familiar with the dialogue hehe). And me? As usual, terpengaruh haha.

Athiq, when I listened to that dialogue, immediately I was reminded of you.. Sometimes I think that's how u perceive things between us.. right?

My love to you are neither limited by distance, nor growing dimmer with separation. It's not measured by how often we talk to each other. It's not fading as I get busier. It's not diminishing by our memories that keep moving farther from us (unless 1 day I get Alzheimer and can't even recognize you huu). I know you miss my presence, miss my touch, miss my cooking, miss my jokes (ayang pernah buat joke ke??), miss staring at my cute face (uhukss sorry terangkat bakul sendiri), miss my 'daily sermon' (i really should learn to stop giving 'sermon'), miss my crying (eventhough abang tak pandai nak pujuk, thus resorted to merajuk bersama-sama and ended in me pujuk abang!! haha), miss my attention, .... And especially rindu utk disuap makan lagi!! Abang, abang.. abang ni memang la sangaaaatttt manja (tapi abang kata aku gedik.. huu tak patut sungguh!!) . Tapi abang kena belajar berdikari hidup sendiri kat sana. Abang asyik stress pasal pergi ward, stress pasal internet tak elok, stress sebab laptop hang, stress sebab rumah takde air, stress sebab letih kemas rumah DAN SEBAGAINYA.. sebenarnya Abang nak cakap kat ayang yang abang memang tengah sangat stress, tp not because of the reasons that you gave, but because I'm not with you..kan? kan?

Athiq, eventhough I don't know how to be romantic, I'm not that dumb to not understand the things that you are trying to tell. But you have to be patient in waiting for the brighter days that are yet to come.. and as for the meantime, be STRONG and let the spirit of jihad blazing big and bright in you.. I know you are strong, but there's no harm in reminding again and again, isn't it? Hehe

And you can freely ask Ummi what have I done with regards to the coming Jordan trip (ngeh3)

And for your love that you have allowed me to cherish and enjoy... this poem is dedicated to you, my love...............
If ever two were one, then surely we.
If ever man were lov'd by wife, then thee (you).
If ever wife was happy in a man,
Compare with me, ye woman, if you can.
I prize thy(your) love more than whole mines of gold,
Or all the riches that the east doth(does) hold.
My love is such that rivers cannot quench,
Nor ought but love from thee(you) give recompence.
Thy(Your) love is such I can no way repay;
The heavens reward thee(you) manifold I pray.
Then while we live, in love let's so persever,
That when we love no more, we may live ever.
-Anne Bradstreet-

3rd day of the holiday

Although I prefer to write a long love letter, of flowery words and romantic lines for Athiq, I have succeeded in convincing myself that writing here is worth the effort (as if i have to put any effort in rambling??). My kids in the future probably would want to know how do I progress.

Yup, I did go back on Monday, braving the cats-and-dogs rain, starting the journey home at around 6pm. And thanks to Azi who accompanied me :p things just fell in place, probably mesti Athiq doa byk2 so that I could go home on the very day hehehe

I was being very quiet lately, after self-certifying myself as an unpaid maid in the house (we don't have a paid maid ok :p), but nevertheless, I enjoyed spending my time in the kitchen (of course not by doing nothing) trying out one recipe after another. The latest edition is chocolates with caramel filling.

I'm trying to start a business of chocolates and bakery prodcuts, (now that I'm moving out form the hostel insyaAllah) .. the recipe-trying session is endless!! I have to retire early during the night out of exhaustion, although I miss YM-ing abang huuu (because we usually YM in the wee hours of the morning considering the time difference).

Of course I want to upload the pics, but since I personally feel it is a big sin for me to hold abah's D90 (because I don't know the simplest tactic in photography), I'm pestering Yasir to complete the job of taking the pics haha. But y know when u r depending on someone else, you just have to practise patience.. will write later..


Abang, minta maaf..


Skrg waktu Malaysia 3:18 am, 26 Oct 2006.. Menandakan final exam yang akan bermula dalam bbrp jam sahaja lagi.. Dan pagi ini rindu kepada satu satunya cintaku yang jauh di perantauan begitu menguasai diri. Selalunya di waktu begini, YM statusnya online, tp tidak malam ini. Dia sibuk barangkali.

Kerinduan untuk pulang menjalani kehidupan hari-hari bersama Ummi dan ahli keluarga yang lain tidak kalah untuk membuatkan hati gundah. Ahh tak sabarnya untuk pulang.. Namun bila sahaja isu pulang ke rumah timbul, fikiran kembali teringat offline message dari abang yang aku terima tadi,

Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq (10/25/2009 11:03:49 PM): Salam.... Abg xkesah je ayang nak balik kul brapa pun, yg penting berteman. Ajak laa azi or wani or sape2 temankan..

Sudah puas dipujuk semenjak seminggu yang lalu supaya ku dibenarkan pulang sendiri. Mana tidaknya, exam habis jam 5 petang.. pasti ramai yang sudah keletihan dan ingin pulang ke kampung masing2 keesokan harinya sahaja. Beg untuk dibawa pulang pun sudah disiapkan 2 minggu yang lalu, mebuktikan betapa tidak sabarnya...

Di kala offline message tu diterima, hati sedikit terusik.. kerana merasakan apakah aku terlalu berlebihan dalam memujuk abang, sehingga abang kelihatan agak letih melayan karenahku yang kurang bijaknya.. Abang memang memiliki sifat tolak ansur yang tinggi, namun dalam persoalan keselamatan, dia langsun tidak berkompromi.. dan aku seperti biasa degil dengan pendirian yang tidak berasas huu

Bukankah Allah ciptakan wanita itu penuh dengan tipu helah. Dalam ayat Quran disebutkan "Kaidahunna azhim". Tipu daya mereka (wanita) sangat besar!! Satu cara tidak berjaya, dia akan menggunakan taktik lain pula untuk mencapai sesuatu tujuan. Dan aku? Tidak pernah lelah dan jemu memikirkan taktik terbaru untuk memujuk abang.. SIASAH! Siasah adalah politik, dan politik adalah strategi :D Sehingga kadang2 apabila aku sudah buntu dan kekeringan idea, aku menangis kekecewaan. Tidak disangka air mata itu juga yang akhirnya melembutkan hati abang hehe (ini kes sekali sekala je ok)

Saat ini memori membawa aku ke suatu peristiwa yang cukup memberi pengajaran.. ketika aku di Kedah tak lama dahulu. Perkahwinan mana yang tidak dihiasi dengan salah faham, benar kan? Begitu juga aku dan Abang, tapi kami tidak menyesali perkara tersebut. Kerana dengan pergaduhan itu, kita akan lebih mengenali peribadi dan keperluan masing-masing dan lebih membarakan perasaan cinta insyaAllah.

Malam itu telah sangat larut dan kami baru pulang dari beraya. Aku kurang biasa beraya sakan, kerana kami (my family) biasa beraya dirumah sendiri sahaja- A very quiet raya :) , maka ketika itu aku sangat keletihan. Dan aku kadangkala sangat2 rindu dengan cara kehidupan biasa sejak aku dilahirkan. Rindu kepada Ummi dan Abah, dan adik beradik. Bila letih menguasai, salah faham menjadi pasangan.

Kisah tu memang panjang, tapi dipendekkan la.. akhirnya abang bawa aku berjalan naik kereta. We weren't talking to each other at that time (abang selalu buat something yang buatkan aku rasa insaf huu. Asifah habibi sebab suka susahkan nta..) dan aku pun tak tahu abang nak bawa g mana. Tp yg pasti waktu tu keluar dlm keadaan yang sangat tak dirancang (It was past 12am), aku keluar pakai kain batik je haha (tak pernah seumur hidup g bandar pakai kain batik je. Tapi duduk dalam kereta je la). Abang pulak buatkan a mug of air kegemaran aku- iced chocolate drink. Waktu dia datang kat kereta, dia serahkan mug tu without saying anything, dan sepanjang perjalanan i held the mug loyally, tak pasti apa yg patut dibuat dengan air tu.. Bila ada bump je, air pun berkocak dan tumpah2 atas pakaian, sejuk dan melekit (air manis kan) huu. Akhirnya abang bawa g masjid Bukhary (org Alor Setar tahula tempat ni kan :p). Abang tinggalkan aku dalam kereta, dan dia keluar untuk solat di masjid tersebut. Aku pun terpinga-pinga la dalam kereta. Entah bagaimana, Allah ilhamkan supaya aku belek buku tentang suami isteri (I can't remember the exact topic, I'll try to write about it later). Buku tu abang hadiahkan dulu, memang aku letak dalam kereta sebab bila sahaja abang tgh memandu, aku akan bacakan buku tu dan kami sama-sama muhasabah. Perancangan Allah, automatik aku terbuka satu page dlm buku tu.. dan terus terbaca apa yang tertulis di situ...

Nak tahu apa isinya?...


" Wahai puteriku!Sesungguhnya jika nasihat ini kutinggalkan kerana keutamaan adab,tentu ia akan kutinggalkan hanya bagimu sahaja.Tetapi ini adalah pertolongan bagi orang yang lalai dan pertolongan bagi orang yang berakal.Andai kata wanita tidak memerlukan suami kerana kekayaan orang tuanya dan kerana kecintaan kedua orang tuanya kepada dirinya ,maka akulah orang yang paling tidak memerlukan suami. Tetapi wanita itu diciptakan untuk lelaki dan lelaki diciptakan untuk wanita.Wahai puteriku!Engkau akan berpisah dengan rumah yang pernah bersatu denganmu dan meninggalkan tempat yang pernah membesarkanmu,menuju ke tempat yang belum engkau kenali dan pendamping yang yang belum pernah dekat denganmu. Dengan kekuasaannya dia akan menjadi pengawas dirimu dan orang yang menguasaimu.Maka jadilah diri sebagai abdinya nescaya dia akan menjadi hamba yang patuh bagimu.

Jagalah sepuluh perkara nescaya akan menjadi simpanan bagimu iaitu :

Pertama dan kedua ~ Tunduk kepadanya dengan penuh kerelaan,mendengar dan taat kepadanya dengan cara yang baik.

Ketiga dan keempat~ Memerhatikan sasaran mata dan hidungnya. Jangan sampai matanya melihat sesuatu yang buruk pada dirimu dan janganlah sampai dia mencium bau yang kurang enak dari dirimu.

Kelima dan keenam ~ Memerhatikan waktu tidur dan makannya kerana rasa lapar itu boleh membara dan rasa mengantuk itu boleh membakar sifat amarah.

Ketujuh dan kelapan ~ Menjaga hartanya,mengambil berat kerabat dan saudara-saudaranya. Kemampuan menjaga harta adalah mengukurnya dengan cara yang baik dan kemampuan menjaga saudara adalah dengan mengurus dengan cara yang baik.

Kesembilan dan kesepuluh ~ Janganlah ingkar perintahnya dan jangan membocorkan rahsianya. Sebab jika engkau ingkar perintahnya beerti engkau telah membakar dadanya dan jika engkau membocorkan rahsianya engkau tidak akan aman dari pengkhianatannya.Kemudian janganlah engkau menunjukkan kegembiraan di hadapannya ketika ia bersedih dan sebaliknya janganlah engkau menunjukkan kesedihan kepadanya jika dia dalam keadaan gembira.

Bila sahaja selesai membaca, memang air mata jatuh berderai dan bercucuran mengenangkan betapa sabarnya abang mendidikku untuk menjadi isteri solehah. Sesungguhnya aku masih jauh dari menjadi bidadarinya. Langsung tidak sabar menanti abang selesaikan solat. Sebaik dia masuk ke dalam kereta, aku terus mencium tangannya, meminta maaf dan menangis sepuas2nya dalam pelukan abang.. sungguh kadang2 aku terlalu terbawa2 dengan dunia, sehingga terlupa bahawa tiket untukku ke syurga ada padanya..

Asifah abang, sebab kadang2 terlalu dikuasai emosi sehingga terlupa mengutamakan dan meraikan pandangan dan perasaan Abang.. Minta maaf.. (tak sempat nak minta maaf dari abang sebelum exam huu, tp abang mesti doakan juga kan :p hehe)


Be humble..

[34]Kaum lelaki itu adalah pemimpin dan pengawal yang bertanggungjawab terhadap kaum perempuan, oleh kerana Allah telah melebihkan orang-orang lelaki (dengan beberapa keistimewaan) atas orang-orang perempuan, dan juga kerana orang-orang lelaki telah membelanjakan (memberi nafkah) sebahagian dari harta mereka. Maka perempuan-perempuan yang soleh itu ialah yang taat (kepada Allah dan suaminya), dan yang memelihara (kehormatan dirinya dan apa jua yang wajib dipelihara) ketika suami tidak hadir bersama, dengan pemuliharaan Allah dan pertolonganNya. Dan perempuan-perempuan yang kamu bimbang melakukan perbuatan derhaka (nusyuz) hendaklah kamu menasihati mereka, dan (jika mereka berdegil) pulaukanlah mereka di tempat tidur, dan (kalau juga mereka masih degil) pukulah mereka (dengan pukulan ringan yang bertujuan mengajarnya). Kemudian jika mereka taat kepada kamu, maka janganlah kamu mencari-cari jalan untuk menyusahkan mereka. Sesungguhnya Allah Maha Tinggi, lagi Maha Besar.
Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband’s) absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (Next), refuse to share their beds, (And last) beat them (lightly); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them Means (of annoyance): For Allah is Most High, great (above you all).
It’s now 1.44am I am trying to read on Dyslipidemia CPG after being bashed to a rag by a Dr during one of our classes- for not reading it earlier huuu. That’s the superficial act. I am actually sitting in front of the laptop in a very close proximity to Abang (who is sleeping soundly) trying hard to make him feel my presence (by making exaggerated movements and acceptable decible) thus indirectly wake him up because I am feeling so hungry huhu though sahur time will be few hours from now :( (Suppressing my frustration) he isn’t giving any positive sign to wake up and entertain my starving tummy huuuuuu.
We actually slept straightaway after maghrib prayer. I don’t know what’s happening to me lately, I get lethargic by doing nothing, that’s so indecent. I can’t even stand a 2 hour class, that’s is so unacceptable universally –sigh-
Alhamdulillah family medicine posting officially ended yesterday after handing in the logbook and second case write up. However the BEST part is, Abang was given a homework- he has to do a case writeup!!! How I teased him on that hehe. Chayoukk abang!!! I guess he becomes a regular tagger of a doctor in KK and in doing home visit, thus the acquirement of case writeup assignment. Next is case presentation (am I glad about that hehe). What’s next??

Haha, that (the above) was written almost 1.5 months ago. I’m arranging and cleaning my laptop, and suddenly found this short excerpt from my life diary. Failing to find the strength to throw away this piece, I decide to write something on it.
Once upon a time, I came across a saying (I still remember it was in a magazine that K.Aini gave to me) which says ‘seorang gadis tidak akan menghendaki apa-apa di dalam dunia ini melainkan seorang suami, saat dia sudah bersuami, dia mahukan segala2nya yang ada di dalam dunia’. Abang pulak selalu kata, ‘wanita banyak nafsu. Nafsu nak makanan sedap,nafsu nak barang kemas dan perhiasan, nafsu nak pergi kedai kain (erk ni memang perli nih), nafsu shopping (ni perli lagi heheh), nafsu nak rumah besar etc, tp lelaki ada satu je nafsu. Nafsu nakkan perhiasan dunia yg paling indah’. Hmm what would that be? If you have ever heard, ‘seindah-indah perhiasan dunia adalah wanita solehah’.

When I ponder upon the first saying, I think it is true (in my case at least). There was nothing that I wanted except to be a wife when I was single, and now once I become a wife, it seems like I want so many things (except for jewelleries of course because no matter how hard I’ve tried, the chemistry between me and jewelleries is still lacking. Abang silalah jangan berkecil hati when I don’t wear my engagement and wedding ring :p).

Of course one can’t blindly follow their nafsu isn’t it? Islam teaches us that, humanity also teaches us that. If one gets a husband who is so tolerant, one should be more than thankful. I am reminded of the kosher system adopted by the Jews, whereby a woman is not welcomed in a family gathering e.g a family dinner. What more if they are menstruating, they are degraded further down below the level of a maid! They are considered dirty. If I were in that place, I am sure being the rebellious me, I won’t hesitate an inch to conduct a reformation or possibly form an organization fighting for women’s rights haha. I am also reminded of the orthodox or traditional malay concept whereby women have to blindly follow whatever their husbands’ say, claiming that all the time that they would be an isteri durhaka should they try to voice out their opinion.

One should be clear of the definition of a discussion. A wife is no less a human that needs to be heard and to be understood. Ahh I’m getting a bit emotional here because I think psychological abuse on a wife is everywhere.

On the other extreme, it is a bizarre if a wife tries to defend herself and fulfill her nafsu by using religion as a stand hehe. When I said to abang, “Abang tahu tak, duit abang duit ayang jugak. Tapi duit ayang duit ayang sorang ok”. Umar and Yasir claim that I am a very unbelievable mata duitan type of wife hahaha. Abang asked back, ”Betul ke? Tak adil la macam tu sebab abang banyak tanggungan. Takkan guna duit abang sorang je!”I answered “Betul, sebab abang ingat tak ayat Quran yang cakap ar-rijal (lelaki) lebih kuat (or utama) berbanding wanita kerana apa yang mereka nafkahkan dari harta mereka…” Abang replied “Haa nasib baik tahu nak jawab” (Abang tahu sbnrnya, saje je nak uji huu) And I smiled in a satisfied mode.
HOWEVER the very same Quranic verse, doesn’t just stop there! It continues by addressing the women with ‘maka beramal solehlah, taatlah..

If I work and most of my times are spent at work, he has the right to ask me to quit. If I work and come back home tired, incapable of fully functioning as a wife, he has the right to fire me back. Now that I am studying and neglect my responsibility as a wife totally (staying far from him), if he instructs me to terminate my study and live with him, I have to obey. And worst if I work and gain money, he won’t forever has his share. But still despite all these, he still tolerates with the condition and practices patience. He even further asks “I have fulfilled your social needs, am I right?” Subhanallah, mashaAllah, what more could a wife ask for?? To MYSELF especially and all the wives out there, and all the wives-to-be, be humble, get down to earth and don’t be too demanding. (Huuuu how much harder can it be when you have 99 nafsu all screaming for freedom in all directons!!). To Abang, sorry if I am too demanding huuu (bak kata Ustaz Samsuri, “org perempuan ni hari ni minta maaf, teriak tak mo buat lagi, dah insaf dsb, 2 hari lepas tu dia ada tak puas hati dgn kita (suami), dia p attack balik. Org perempuan MEMANG Allah ciptakan dia lagu tu..” )


Finally the research report! Alhamdulillah

Another long hours in the biostat lab.. Alhamdulillah the research report finally has been submitted. It’s neither the best research nor the best report, but it was my 1st formal research related to medicine J which surely paved my way towards an interesting branch of medicine. The raya gathering by the Dept of community health and family medicine this afternoon put an end to the posting (before the exam of course). Alhamdulillah for the proper meal J (nasi minyak and satay gee) considering that I’ve been living on junkfood for quite some time (if apples and bananas and granola and muesli bars are considered junkfood huu). I’ve been reminding myself to keep a pair of watchful eyes on my diet but I guess I still fail (Abang’s warning so that I gain weight before he’d allow me to get pregnant isn’t effective either. Abang, I’m fine huu~ My BMI is just fine)

My plan to go out and get some groceries from the store has been postponed for few days, and I definitely have another application to be made- to go out tomorrow. Huu but we have classes with Dr Samsul tomorrow, thus the not-so-bright prospect of an outing to take place.. I guess Abang is also busy with the coming exam in 5 days. Right now I’m feeling grateful with my luck that Abang is not around geee~ It’s not that I don’t miss him (because in truth, I miss him terribly), but sometimes life is so cruel to drain each drop of energy from every single cell in my body.. if abang is around, I am dead sure that many of his rights will be neglected.. tak patut huu kesian kat abang... And me? I just want to sleep sleep and sleep. I sleep because I feel tired, ok. (Of course if ummi knows about this, then she would straightaway postulate that I’m tired not because of lack in sleep but because I don’t get enough nutrients. Huu I always pretend that she’s going overboard in accusing me, but most of the time, I seriously think she’s 148384% right!!!) At times, I try to find the best solution as how to balance between work and family. Especially for working wife, working mother, working daughter.. I have to meekly admit that when Abang was around, he was so helpful up to washing our clothes (I have never imagined before that I’d marry someone who is very humble to do the household chores.. JAZAKALLAH abang, if u r reading this) and sometimes iron my clothes when I panic due to time constraint (I have this never-ending issue with time, and now the issue has widened its coverage whereby I have an issue with abang pulak hehe. Simply because he could never understand why do I have to go to class half an hour before the scheduled time. Dia kata aku skema sangat sampai melampau up to the level of ‘unacceptable’ hehe).

Yesterday he told me that he’ll be busy this week, and that we may not be able to contact each other until the coming weekend.. Sampai begitu sekalikah?? Huu. Since I don’t have him to listen to my ramblings (and since I think Ummi has given up on the job -(she happily calls it a quit I guess hehe :p- of listening to my ramblings after our marriage) I finally return to this old good space of mine.. all the time aware that my ED note is screaming for my attention.By the way if you happen to be an IIUM Year 4 Medical Student, and interested to get the Family Medicine and Public Health notes, silalah ke desktop of lecture hall 5 KOM ok. Initially ah long dude suggested that we create links to our homemade notes, but truthfully I’m too lazy to upload them huu
maryamalbatul : abang..

maryamalbatul : td ayang xg kedai pun
Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq : ye sayang...

Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq : laaaa.......

Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq : nape?

maryamalbatul : ayang g esok la ye hehe

maryamalbatul : td ayang penat

Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq : ooo

maryamalbatul : kitorng siapkn report research dr 10pg smp hapir 6 ptg

maryamalbatul : berhenti lunch n zohr je

maryamalbatul : esok presentatn. lepas present, ada jamuan raya department buat insyaAllah hehe

Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq : ooo..ic..

Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq : huhuuu

Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq : susah laa camni..

maryamalbatul : nape?

Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq : sbb permission yg abg kasi just valid for today...

Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq : heeeeeeeeeeeeee

maryamalbatul : alah, ayang nak apply permission setahun la camtu

Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq : erk...

Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq: susah laa camni..

maryamalbatul : nape?

Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq : sbb xbest laaa kalau kasi permission setahun...lesen keta pun renew setahun 2 kali..

Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq : huhuhu

maryamalbatul : lesen ayang sekali dlm 5 tahun..

Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq : erk..

Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq : susah laa camni..

maryamalbatul : camtu ikut lesen kereta ayang laa..

Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq : erk...

Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq : alamak..

Muhammad al-A'thiq bin Marzuki Al-Athiq : huhuu

maryamalbatul : :D

huu ade ke isteri yg mintak permission utk keluar macam renew driving license? huuu.

P/s: Note on Erectile Dysfunction has just been completed!!


Perkahwinan jarak jauh

Sekarang jam 5 pagi waktu Malaysia. Waktu yang sangat sesuai untuk bertahajjud dan bermunajat. Waktu yang juga paling syahdu. As for me in my daily routine, inilah waktu paling aku terkenangkan zauj yang jauh di mata. Dan kenangan itu sentiasa membuatkan aku rindu pada insan yang sewajarnya ku berikan sepenuh ketaatan dan penghormatan.
Pada waktu ini juga aku selalu mengemis simpati Tuhan agar sentiasa bekalkan aku kekuatan untuk menghadapi hari yang panjang. Moga permulaan yang baik membawa keberkatan berpanjangan dalam kehidupan hari-hari. Pada waktu ini juga aku tidak malu merayu, agar Dia memudahkan segala urusan abang, agar Dia hadiahkan kekuatan jiwa kepada abang untuk teruskan perjuangan jauh dari insan2 yang dia cintai.

Pada waktu ini juga aku sering bermuhasabah, benarkah pilihan dan tindakan kami untuk berkahwin dan hidup berjauhan. Bukan sedikit yang hairan apabila mengetahui suamiku merantau jauh ke bumi Anbiya Jordan. Bukan sedikit yang bertanya bagaimana aku dapat berjauhan dengan dia. Bukan sedikit juga yang menasihatkan aku supaya jangan kerap menangis (ini memang pelik, sebab aku jarang sekali menangisi perpisahan aku dengan abang. Mungkin sebab shbt2 sedia maklum aku ni cry-baby kot huu) Bukan tidak sedih, bukan tidak rindu. Tetapi aku terlalu mengerti bahawa perpisahan ini insyaAllah tidak sia-sia, insyaAllah sementara, insyaAllah yang terbaik untuk kami dalam sela waktu ini, insyaAllah perpisahan yang ditaqdirkan dan diredhaiNya.. Dan kerana itu aku mendidik jiwa agar kuat untuk terus melangkah walaupun abang tidak ada disisi untuk memegang tanganku dan mengetuai permusafiran.

Ketika aku mengambil keputusan untuk bernikah dahulu, aku sudahpun bertemu dengan ramai orang yang melalui pengalaman sama. Bertanyakan bagaimana keadaan dan perasaan mereka saat berjauhan dari suami, bertanyakan bagaimana prestasi pelajaran dan kualiti hidup, pendek kata sudah terlalu acap aku bertanyakan perkara ini. Dan akhirnya aku nekad juga dengan keputusan untuk bernikah walaupun hati kadang2 masih ragu-ragu untuk mengambil risiko. Bak kata orang, belum cuba belum tau. Belum test, belum tau power :p

Abang pun suatu waktu dahulu kadangkala goyah untuk mara setapak membuat keputusan yang sangat besar dalam kehidupannya yakni menerima amanah sebagai suami. Aku akui, tanggungjawab suami jauh lebih besar dan berat dari isteri. Kalaulah ada yang berkata kepadaku, Islam itu menindas wanita, maku aku akan berkata betapa dangkalnya fahamanmu kerana Islam mengangkat martabat wanita seperti seorang permaisuri dalam sesebuah rumahtangga!! Dan sememangnya aku merasakan perkara itu Alhamdulillah :) Jazakallah abang untuk layanan istimewa!

Tapi dalam hati berbolak balik, kami terus juga berusaha untuk berkahwin. Kesusahan untuk mendapat keizinan berkahwin dan keredhaan ibu bapa (it was very hard indeed!!) memang banyak mengajar kami menjadi matang, dan menthabatkan hati. Tempoh lebih 2 tahun kami membuat rayuan ke pejabat PAMA di Shah Alam dan Alor Setar akhirnya membuahkan hasil hehe. Kalau ditakung air mata yang ditumpahkan dlm tempoh itu, tentunya lebih sebaldi! Allah lebih mengetahui apa yang terbaik.

Selepas berkahwin, kami bertarung pula dengan isu perpisahan dan hidup berjauhan. Pastinya isu berat untuk suami isteri (in my case, pasti bertambah berat sebab aku ada homesickness yang teruk. I think that was the main reason my parents were reluctant to allow me to get married and stay far apart from my husband huu. Waktu tu aku memang dasar tak sedar diri kot huu) Tapi disebabkan perkara ini telah kami sepakati sebelum berkahwin, Alhamdulillah hati tidaklah terlalu memberontak tiap kali kami terpisah jauh.

Perbezaan waktu antara aku dan abang 5 jam. Aku baru bangun qiam, abang baru tidur. Sometimes I receive his offline messages 2 to 3 minutes sebelum aku online. Aku dah nak pergi kelas, abang baru nak qiam. Aku baru nak lunch, abang baru sampai universiti. Aku balik kepenatan waktu petang, abang tgh sibuk di hospital. Aku baru nak keluar g meeting, ceramah etc around jam 8 malam, abang baru nak balik. usually abang balik around 10pm waktu malaysia. Aku baru balik bilik sometimes around 12am, abg bersiap nak g masjid n solat and lepastu dia ada program. If aku ada kat bilik malam tu, usually ada discussion ngn kawan or study group. Hakikatnya memang susah juga kadang2 nak berhubung dgn abang. Maka selalulah kami bagi offline messages je huu. Tapi it is sweet in a sense, bila aku online je, mesti excited nak baca offline message from him hehe. Waktu jumat malam dan sabtu malam barulah aku dpt betul2 berhubung dengan abang. sebabnya abang cuti jumaat dan sabtu. Selalunya hari jumaat, dia akn start online lepas balik dr solat jumaat which equals to around maghrib waktu malaysia. memang terhad. Even bila abang balik Malaysia pun, ada waktu yang dia terpaksa meninggalkan aku beberapa hari kerana mengikuti program Islami, dan banyak pula waktu yang aku terpaksa meninggalkannya kerana keperluan lain..

Aku tak nafikan kadangkala sebagai seorang wanita, seorang isteri aku lemah dengan emosi. Merajuk bila aku rasakan abang sibuk dengan aktiviti di sana, sibuk dengan persatuan. Tapi abang memang hebat, even kalau aku tak beritahu dia pun waktu tgh YM yg aku tgh sedih and sometimes menangis, he could detect. Kalau tgh call of course la dia tau kan sebab suara sengau menangis huu. Hati dan minda adalah 2 perkara berbeza. Selalunya minda dapat berikan rational untuk setiap perkara yang berlaku tapi hati suka saja ikut emosi yang tak menentu. Selalu saja aku mengerti kenapa abang buat sesuatu perkara, tapi aku masih nak merajuk dan bersedih. Cthnya kalau abang ada iftar dgn usrah dia atau dia ada program, aku selalu sedih sebab nanti tak dpt YM dgn dia. (Eventhough I myself slalu jugak sibuk dgn hal2 lain tp abang tak pernah complain pun huu) Tapi bila fikirkan balik, itulah stress-coping mechanism dia dan tak adil if aku menghalang dia dari menjalani kehidupan biasa di Jordan. Biarlah dia sibuk dengan aktiviti di sana sepertimana sebelum berkahwin dulu. And I think aku suka juga susahkan hati abang bila merengek nak macam2 especially bab dpt anak waktu study. Abang pun layan je la hehe. As for me that's the best way, and I also do the same thing to abang. Cthnya aku kata nak berhenti belajar sebab tanak duduk jauh dgn abang, dia suruh aku dtg jordan. Tp tak lama lepastu aku sendiri yang taknak berhenti belajar. Aku kata nak anak, abang kata ok je, lepastu aku sendiri yang fikir balik betul ke. Aku kata nanti malas nak kerja sebab nak jadi housewife macam ummi je, abang kata bagusla duduk rumah jaga anak dan suami je, tapi aku sendiri yang lepastu taknak jd housewife. Mcm2 lagi.. Macam tu juga abang, bila tgh sedih dia kata dia tak suka duduk Jordan sebab rindu pd isteri nan satu ni, aku ckp kat dia pergi buat surat kat MARA dan Universiti yg dia nak tangguhkan pengajian sampai aku grad, tapi lepastu dia sendiri yang taknak tangguh pengajian hehe. Sedih dan rindu tu datang sekejap2, lepas tu OK insyaAllah :D

When he was around, kami suka juga bincang life macamana yang kami nak nanti. Abang suka g masjid dan suka ajak aku g masjid, and I would always tell him, kalau ada anak nanti, I want keadaan tak berubah, setiap kali ke masjid nak bawa anak-anak. Or kalau aku sedih abang g program, I would always convince myself bila ada anak nanti, I want my children dapat tarbiyah sedari kecil, selalu join their mummy n daddy pergi usrah, tamrin etc. For that reason, aku perlu kuat bermula sekarang. Dan perbincangan yang selalu adalah nama anak huu. Kalau aku kadang2 dihasuti syaitan dan dipengaruhi nafsu malas nak mengaji, aku dan abang suka discuss nak anak2 kami jadi hafizul dan hafizatul Quran, maka kami yang kena rajin dulu. Kadang2 kami round survey rumah n harga rumah, and discuss macamana rumah kami nanti (ni aku yg suka). Abang pulak suka cerita kereta yang dia suka, dan dia nak berusaha dapat kereta tu nanti. For all those reasons and for all those things that we have done, they make us feel stronger, and that we have each other in braving the world.

Artikel ni aku tulis lepas baca artikel tulisan Ummu Thana' (kenalan melalui blog). I feel apa yg dia lalui sama macam apa yang aku lalui, dan sometimes bila aku rasa lemah dan sedih I will read their blogs (Psgn muda yg hidup berjauhan) just to keep myself reminded, jika aku rasa sedih bukan aku je yang bersedih. Kadang2 aku mengadu kat abang, aku rindu kat abang, dia kata dia lebih2 lagi rindu dan sedih and that I will never understand perasaan seorang suami yang meninggalkan isteri yakni satu amanah yang sgt berat.

Aku suka sangat ingatkan abang, kalaupun hari ini aku menangis, itu tangisan rindu untuk sesuatu yang halal buatku, dan bukan seperti sebelumnya aku menangis kerana kesedihan dan tekanan perasaan. Dan kalaulah hari ini kita menyesali hidup berjauhan, sebenarnya sememangnya sebelum ini kita tidak pernah bersama, malahan kini abang sudah menjadi milikku, maka masihkah ada penyesalan yang tersisa? Aku tenang kerana aku jelas dengan tujuan kita, perpisahan yang sementara, moga setiap pengorbanan kita menjadi asbab untuk mendapat redha dan kasih sayangNya. Dan kalaulah kita ditaqdirkan berpisah selama2nya didunia kerana maut itu suatu yang pasti, aku masih bercita-cita menjadi isterimu di syurga!


An event of rarity

I'm about to enter the 3rd week without Abang (I wonder why do I have to keep counting and mention it here huu)

We went to PKD (Pejabat Kesihatan Daerah) Kuantan yesterday, as we had an attachment with KPAS (Keselamatan Pekerjaan dan Alam Sekitar) unit- the 5 of us which includes Wani, Najwa, Hafiz, Faizul and me.

As usual we went with Hafiz's car- a blue Proton Wira yg banyak sangat berjasa membawa kitorng ke attachment2 lain huu. The day turned out to be eventful when we were on our way back, the engine suddenly stopped running. It was nearly noon, and we were on a busy road in Kuantan town, and the third in the line before a traffic light, at a big junction. Undoubtedly tachycardia started to take place when after few attempts of turning the ignition key, the engine refused to give cooperation. I was in the first place hoping that there was nothing wrong other than an imbalance between the pressure on the clutch and gas pedal (as it is a manual car). Truth slowly seeped in, and we were forced to face reality when the traffic light turns green and the car behind us overtake us one by one. Truthfully we managed to crack jokes~ well I don't remember experiencing such thing before- stuck on a road.

Climax started approaching when Hafiz subtly proposed that the car should be parked on the left side of the road (oh man, we were on the right most, and it is a very big road consisting of 3 lanes!! It was just impossible to push it to the left considering the number of cars around) And worst, I started to wonder, since Hafiz was the only male, then by logic the 3 of us were the ones who should do the pushing!!!

After much discussion, and after the traffic light had turned green for few times, we decided it was time.. And (in major disbelief) instead of pushing it to the left side of the road, we pushed it towards Terminal makmur, crossing the big junction and the traffic light!!! Of course Wani cakap malu should we meet UIA students who could recognize us (hahaha), I was kinda excited and Najwa was busy doing some photography. Hafiz? I think being him, landed in a group of giggly girls, probably we made an excellent stressor for him, and he kept asking us to push harder. Huu what should one expect from 3 ladies pushing a car? Luckily a motorist offered his help.

And the pushing activity took an ugly (but it was just an ugly duckling which later turned into a handsome swan) turn, when we were at the middle of the junction (and wani was busy worrying, asking me what if suddenly the traffic light turned red and we were still there. Jd bahan pameran la haha), a classmate, Fadhil with his white Myvi appeared among the long lines of cars. I think he succeeded in giving an expression of extreme shock :P

Well I can clearly imagine, "Apa la budak2 ni buat, dengan bertudung labuhnya, sorang pakai purdah, tolak kereta tengah2 jalan raya" is enough to make people stare. The prognosis worsens when it is added with "macam kenal je budak2 ni... Laaaaa kawan2 medic aku kat uia!!!!"

When we were parked safely near the bus terminal, we tried to sort out the things that we should do. Of course the most important thing to not be taken lightly was neither of us knew how to check a car engine (I'm not sure about the bros though, but I have a perception that they are not very different from us :p If you spend your time dissecting dead human bodies rather than a car engine, that is to be expected!)

We started to call our parents in search of few useful tips and hints. Everybody was busy with their phone calls and I think I was the only one who called Ummi and excitedly told her the tragedy haha (instead of calling Abah and ask him what to do) and told Abang as well

That was when weird ideas started to surface.....

Najwa proposed the idea that the problem sourced from the car battery. She suggested we use gear 1, start the engine while the others push the car.

Wani said (she quoted from her father) that if the honk is working then the battery is ok. so we tried to honk and it was ok. Then she said (also quoted from her experienced dad) that we should try 'ketuk' the battery, should there be any loose wires. She actually found a decaying piece of wood which she used to smack the battery. The wood started to break aparts (it was decaying!)

Of course I have no idea to offer because I personally don't even know how to open the engine cover huu (I do remember abah once taught me how to check the water, battery and such. But I still send the car to a mechanic just to check for the car battery and water before I make a long distance journey and that cost me RM30! Itulah orang suruh belajar pandai2 tapi malas... lepastu kena tipu pulak tu)

Hafiz's dad asked him to find "a round structure with 3 wires attached to it". Once it is found, shake the structure. God knows what the thing was.. So we tried to find it, no different from playing an 'I spy' game..

Finally Fadhil offered his help: call a mechanic. Haa that finally solved the problem :) It was some loose wires in the starter of the engine...

This was the start: the car engine died on a very busy road

Just after the car-pushing activity

I tried to discuss with wani, but yielded nothing because I really don't know about car..

This was the suspected 'round structure with 3 wires'

Wani's battery smacking activity using a decaying wood

we were left speechless after fail attempts...

Fadhil offering his help... panggil la mekanik :p

Alhamdulillah the mechanic saved the day!

"You, kalau enjin mati try start tp tak mau hidup, jgn cuba start banyak kali. Kalau da mati, memang matila. Tak boleh jalan punya. Nnti starter losak. Kena check benda lain..." erk macam kena perli lak dgn mekanik tu. Yup we tried to start the engine until finally the battery collapsed hehe

And I made a mental not to learn few basic things about car engine huuu. My deepest thank you to those who have helped..