:)

It’s Friday again and 1 week has passed.
Yesterday was the worst I guess, when we had the Basic Orthopaedic Skill Workshop (which I EXTREMELY love) from 8 to 5, and my on call expanded from 6pm to 12am (and I enjoyed it to the most of course due to my mentor’s teaching, except the fact that I didn’t manage to do any case presentation- again!! Well my patient was wheeled to the operation theatre the moment we entered the ward huh such meticulous coincidence) BUT I hadn’ t done my case writeup and my case summaries and it felt like something heavy compliantly clinging on.. Back from the hospital last night, I was totally drained out of the last drop of energy to complete them and of course collapsed.. and awoken up to a nightmarish very early morning, for the due date is TODAY!!

I hesitated between tahajjud or completing the case writeup. Really I was stucked in such a desperate position huu. . Weighing between the 2, I rationalized that submitting the case writeup was “wajib” for me hehe but the qiamullail was sunnah :p

There are things that sometimes I tend to forget say for example the beauty of tawakkal, the ease experienced in trusting in Him, the serenity enjoyed in qiyamullail, the dependency on Allah, the hope found in du’a, the relief in knowing that life is just for a while, the anxiety triggered by remembering the hereafter… and so many things..

There are times when I feel what I gain is much less than what I’ve been working for eg I don’t perform well in medicine, I don’t perform well elsewhere, I don’t get what I want, I’ve worked so hard and about to reach the limit and yet my aim is far from reach. And that’s when I’ll take a pause to break down and ponder.. upon what I’ve gone through. And I take time to cry.. I am most grateful to have my family, for the things that we share among us. I can freely tell them “Abang kenapa ayang rasa ayang dah belajar tapi tak pandai jugak, tak dpt jawab soalan” “Ummi, I’m so tired and I still don’t get any CP” “I am so afraid that I’ll be a doctor who will kill my patient” and things like that. Of course abang kaya dengan pujian berbakul2 hehe, but sometimes I forget the beauties in life..

Abang kata, takpela hari ni bad performance supaya esok ada ruang for improvement.
Ummi kata, tak apelah boleh cuba lagi
Allah kan uji hamba yang Dia sayang untuk tambahkan keimanan
Dan kadang kita terlupa ilmu itu milik Allah, no matter how hard you have tried, and you still don’t own it, it is His right, to lend it to anybody that He wills..

Rasa sedih, kecewa, dan tewas dicipta supaya kita dapat merasai keindahan dalam mengharap kepadaNya, ketenangan dalam meyakini taqdirNya, kepuasan dalam mencapai cita-cita

And I am glad I chose tahajud over the case writeup Alhamdulillah :)