-cough cough- it's very dusty here with all the hanging cobwebs.. -cough again- huu. Okay, I'm back. I have decided to activate this blog again (1 of the 3 blogs which I am lamely managing huhuuu) because... simply no reason :) but it is going to be a bit different, sorry for that.. anyway, I'm back!


A 'sinful' month

I guess the past 1 month was a very 'sinful' period for me. I couldn't stop shopping. (Paid religious visit to kedai kain and tailor entah brp kali ntah). Went out dating with Mimi yesterday and today, because I was in such a fragile mood. And today we wasted our money on handbags because Parkson is having a sale. I really want to take my mind off these depress thingies -Masya Allah!! Shopping and women are synonyms?? Only when I am depressed huu..Hmm... but I don't like jewelleries, that at least make me a bit different.

One of the things that i like most- to be alone or talk to Ummi
One of the things that Ummi likes to advise me when i feel sad- go to bed early today (gee she always say i don't get enough sleep)
Another of her advise- get a square meal (she also likes to claim that I am stressed because i don't eat healthy foods)
Sometimes she asks me to go for an outing and relax
But one of the BEST advise she always give is pray to Allah, buat solat hajat everyday, Ummi pun solat and doakan sekali... how very calming 
to hear that
Thank You Allah for giving me a perfect Ummi!

Ya Rabbana..

La yukallifullahu nafsan ILLA wus'aha
Laha ma kasabat wa'alaiha maktasabat
Rabban la tuakhizna innasiinaa aw akhtho'na
Rabbana wa laa tahmil alaina ishran kama hamaltahu 'alalladziina min qablina
Rabbana wa laa tuhammilna ma laa tho qotholana bih
Wa'fuanna waghfirlanaa warhamnaa
Nta mawlana fanshurna 'alal qawmil kafiriin

Tidak Allah bebankan sesuatu keatas seseorang melainkan sesuai dengan kesanggupannya
Dia mendapat pahala (dari kebajikan) yang diusahakannya dan medapata seksa (dari kejahatan) yang dilakukannya

Tuhan kami, janganlah Engkau hukum kami andai kami terlupa atau tersalah
Wahai Tuhan kami, janganlah Engkau bebankan kepada kami bban yang berat sebagaimana Engkau membebani orang sebelum kami
Wahai Tuhan kami, janganlah Engkau bebani kami dengan sesuatu yang tidak sanggup kami memikulnya..
Maafkanlah kami, ampunilah kami, dan rahmatilah kami..
Engkaulah penolong kami, maka tolonglah kami terhadap kaum yang kafir.

Her existence was significant

I am not trying to reform this blog into a death book where i write down all the death that took place in the wards.. but sadly another 2 patients died yesterday. A fresh reminder for me, that any time I will breathe out my last breath.. and become a tiny part of history. Innalillahi wainnailaihi raji'un

One of them was the one I mentioned before, and another one was a mak cik who suffered from end stage breast cancer, with skin, lung and probably liver mets. Her death was also expected, i waited at the ward till 12.30pm, but she passed out at 1.30pm.. Her death marked the end of her long sorrowful live, being dumped by the husband when whe was given her 'death sentence' diagnosis of breast carcinoma few years previously, and which made me think how will my life ends? How can there be a man so cruel, leaving his wife behind when she is no longer attractive, no longer capable of serving him, when she was the one who sacrificed herself for him before??? Na'udzubillahi min dzaalik. I pray that I won't be as cruel as that..

To talk on the sacrifices of a mum-cum-wife, I just can't find the right words to potray how great the sacrifices are. Especially when she sacrifices her own dream for the sake of taking care of her family, when she agrees to get pregnant and breastfeed her babies thus losing her beauty in doing that (you know the unshapely abdomen, striated skin, sagging breasts), when she lends her ears to the grumblings of her loved ones, when she eat the leftover 
foods to avoid wasting and become obese... ahh i just can't imagine doing all that

At last mak cik returned to her Creator, may Allah bless her. To see the tears that flow from the eyes of her sons, I feel at ease to know that her absence meant something and her existence  was significant. And i stood not far from her bed, listening to the yasin 
being recited, indeed we belong to Him and to Him we will return........


Ouch someone bited my back!

Yesterday I got a news which was not easy on my ear drums- ghibah or back biting. Ouchh somebody back-bited me, how I hope it was non infectious, or else I won't forgive the one who transmitted the pathogen (which happens to be a super antigen to a friend but alhamdulillah not to me) into my blood.. because you see it is human nature- when someone starts talking something not nice about something else, then somebody else will try to support and share whatever similar experience they have, just to make the whole afffair soounds so extravaganza and all hmmm.. and I have the tendency to do the same- I am a human being!

And when someone back bites a person, he/she will have the tendency to bark back, and show off their fangs.. definitely not me or we will end up in an ugly inhumane fight. Come to think of it, sape yg suka ghibah ni sebenarnya? I don't mean to point my finger to anybody, but it is always those who have nothing better to do like makcik2 kampung (but ada makcik kg yg x begitu, and ada juga pekerja2 ofis yg begitu huu). And i just don't bother to entertain. BUT OF COURSE the first thing that I should do is to look back at myself, and assess whether they talk about true things. If it is true, then say ASTAGHFIRULLAH and IMPROVE. If it is not true, say LA HAWLAWALA QUWATA ILLA BILLAHIL ALIYIL AZIM and IGNORE. If it is true, then the opposite party is sinful for ghibah. If it is untrue then they are sinful for fitnah.

But I have my own life, I have my own believe, I have my own principles, and I feel happy feeling the purposes of my life and all the way acknowledging that Allah will always be with me.. He is the most Gracious, most MERCIFUL.. ALHAMDULILLAH =)


Searching for any wonder

When I looked at the last post, only then i realized that i has been sometime since i last wrote here. almost 1 week. i was sick with grieves i think, which impaired my ability to express. i wrote about 2 patients who died, and now another one is dying and deteriorating, 
which doesn't comfort me at all that i will live longer than her.. death can come at any time, 
which i was reminded of when a patient told me that the doctor who treated her died earlier 
than her.. Innalillahiwainnailaihi raji'un.. We belong to Him, and to Him we will return..

But that doesn't mend the bitter truth that i really miss my parents and want to go home, but a long and nightmarish weekend awaits me (because i have on-call on saturday but am currently thinking of skipping it huu), and the anti-depressant that i took (which consists of motivational advices from friends) doesn't seem to work at all! Dragging my reluctant heart to the hospital is very tiring indeed!! Astaghfirullah..


AECD- Acute Exacerbation of Chronic Depression

Yesterday 2 patients died. I observed the CPR being done, came back from the hospital at nearly 12a.m because it was raining cats and dogs and my friend (the driver of the day) didn't have the valor to challenge the unfriendly weather and drive home. I went to the hospital again this morning, but decided that the ward was not an interesting place to be in for today, sat in the study room, did some discussion with a friend, expressed some inappropriate emotions, go back to the hostel and slept.

Do I obviously fulfill the requirement of being a psychiatric patient?? AECD- Acute Exacerbation of Chronic Depression, with unknown triggerring factor. According to the standard classification, this is severe persistent, no doubt about it with daily day symptoms, daily night symptoms, 
frequent exacerbation affecting daily activities. Ya Allah, help me to be a normal person.. I pray that I'll be just fine. I don't even know what is wrong with my life when i have everything tip-top and super-duper. Nothing is wrong at all with my life, except that I continue to be symptomatically depressed! 
That is weird..actually. Do I really feel sad with my current life this much???..........................