Trying to readjust

Today, I was left confused.. and sad. When a man told me I am not trying to build family ukhwah..

Ever since I could retain something in my mind, a very vague memory that has decided to stay in me.. I remember my abah as a very busy man. He had to work even on Hari Raya and for countless times (though I have only experienced 22 eidulfitr in my 22 years of life), we celebrated raya in our own sweet home. Stucked in a sleeping residency during raya time, surrounded by quietness and loneliness, we learnt to be independent. 
Ummi and my siblings grew to be closer to each other, appreciating every moment shared among us.. 
And we learnt not to fret though at that small age, I felt sad when all the kids at school and at 
home eagerly waited for the moment to 'balik kampung'..

But with time, one learns to adjust.. Adjust to the surrounding, adjust to the condition. And learn to be satisfied. I guess I started not to mind.. and the loneliness and quietness during eidulfitr were then interpreted as relaxation and serenity. I enjoyed the quiet celebration, and tried to avoid merriness. 
Instead of eagerly asking Ummi "Bila nak balik kampung?", we really tried to skip family occassions. 
We would find reasons to escape kenduri, we produce all kind of explanation just not to go balik kampung..
"Important football match" (commonly used by my brother), "Klu abang tak g yasir pun tanak g sebab takde kawan" (commonly used by my another brother), "Headache" (commonly used by my sister, "Got to study. Exam is just around the corner" (commonly used by me hehe) and many more....

Deep down I realize this is not good but deep down I know that I enjoy it. And yet to justify things, we blame it on the way we were brought up.. I extremely love my parents and siblings, but in the same time, I don't really care towards my own relatives, my kilt and kin.. I mean I care about them as muslims, as human beings, but do I care about them the way I care about my immediate family members???.....And I can't even convince myself, will they be there for me on my Wedding Day, 
will they feel happy on my graduation day, will they celebrate my first born. will they stay by my side when I'm in deep trouble?? I can't even convince myself.. Yes i think the right word is 'care' astaghfirullah..

Truth is I am trying to sort this thing out, I am trying to change, I'm learning to be different, I really want to create a new family tradition, but give me time, and give me opportunity. Really I am trying to readjust..=) Why do I boither to do all this? For the sole reason- I am a MUSLIMAH!

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