A medical student searching for tiny bit of strength

Currently treating my wounded feeling in the freezing IIUM Library, hoping the sophisticated serenity would wash away the bitter memory in the labour room this morning. For the second time, i cried again in the territory of mothers-to-be, trying to create a world record perhaps and grab the title of 'the crying medical student' huu. This time it was no joke. For the third time, my patient was taken away from me.. 

I was the one who clerked the patient when she was admitted to the labour ward yesterday morning. And I was the one who accompanied Dato' checking on the patient and performing the vaginal examination early this morning. I was among the first to know that her cervical os was 5 cm when the nurses emphasized it was only 2cm. (as usual Dato' double checked the VE finding). I was the one who helped the nurse to change the patient into hospital gown. And yet, when I went out of the room just for a while, a student nurse claimed that the patient was hers.. Not even the tiniest anger tried to reside in my heart, instead i went to the prayer room, dialled Ummi's number and cried my heart out. Sedih sangat sangat sangat sangat...

Of course I knew better than to start an argument with her.. the nursing students were staff nurses who further their studies and specialize in midwifery.. I knew better than to argue with those who have more extensive experience and knowledge than me. I knew better than to argue with those who are older than me.. some of them are younger than Ummi only by few years.. and yet I still feel sad.

I just leave the labour room, worried that I might cry uncontrollably if I were to stay a bit longer, had breakfast with Mimi and straightaway headed for IIUM common room. Performed sunat dhuha to ease whatever tangled feelings invading my heart, sleep on the sejadah still clad in my telekung until a friend came in.

She told me how depressed she was, as not even a case presentation was done by her. She had tried her best chasing after the doctors just to present the cases that she had clerked, and yet until last night all her effort was fruitless. She was even rejected with reasons that are concluded as "I am busy". I have never seen a doctor who is not busy by the way. And that was when I realized she has been tested far heavier than me. At least I managed to do some case presentations before, and I had the chance to repair episiotomies before, I have only 1 more delivery to be conducted, I had the chance to observe twin delivery including siamese twin, I had the opportunity to witness anencephalic baby, breech and intrauterine death delivery, I was bestowed with so many bounties from Allah and yet here I am at the edge of giving up.

That little talk gave me enough to move on. And my seminar tomorrow? I promise that I'll try to give my best shot! insyaAllah :) I am hoping it would be a little bit different and special and something worth to be remembered forever :) Will try to upload pics on the event tomorrow!

As for now I am not planning to march into the labour room yet, not until I am well equipped with valour once again, tonight perhaps?.. Novak's gynae is anxiously waiting for me to flip through the pages and be specific, I am contented with Trophoblastic disease for the time being :D