Kesungguhanmu keredhaanku

Kesungguhanmu..keredhaanku

Pertama kali dia melamarku, sudah kukatakan padanya melalui mas'ulahku, aku sama sekali tidak menguasai urusan rumahtangga..memasak, menjahit, berkebun atau apa-apa saja..ternyata balasan yg ku terima dia hanya tertawa dan berkata manusia ini bisa belajar, yang penting rajin berusaha..
Entahlah..rajin saja..tapi..
....

Setelah berkahwin, aku belum sering memasak..alhamdulillah, banyak perencah-perencah segera di pasaran yg sudah siap..tinggal dipanaskan sahaja dan dibubuh ayam, udang atau apa sahaja....tapi, aku tetap masak nasi..terkadang nasinya lembik..macam bubur pula..terkadang keras bangat..huhu..tapi dia tak pernah mengeluh.. mengomen..cuma tersenyum-senyum..

2 bulan kami berkahwin..ada sedikit kemajuan dalam urusan rumah tangga ku dan tidaklah terlalu banyak masa dibazirkan seperti sebelumnya. Sekiranya ada masa terluang, buku resepi ku selak mencari menu yg ringkas, lazat dan sihat..kadang2 ku olah sedikit..tapi entah mengapa hasilnya sering tidak memuaskan seperti yg aku kehendaki. Dan akhirnya ku makan sendirian..rasanya. bentuknya sering tak keruan..huhu..padahal..aku sudah mengikut satu persatu petunjuk dalam buku!

'Mak pandai masakkan..mewarisi tok rasanya..tok dulu pandai masak..kalau tok masak, mesti abi tambah banyak..' kata abi suatu ketika. waktu itu abi baru sudah makan ikan goreng cili buatanku.

Aku diam saja dan menunduk dalam-dalam. Ikan gorengku terlalu kuning warnanya, terlalu masin dan terlalu pedas, malah bentuknya juga seolah tidak wujud..hancur berantakan..wajarlah kalau tiba-tiba abi teringat ibunya

'ok je nie'..kata abi tersenyum-senyum..'insyaAllah esok lebih baik, ok yea abi pergi dulu, dah lambat nih..'

Abi berangkat dengan wajah merah..pastinya kepedasan..aku cuba tersenyum.. menghantarnya di balik pintu..ku lihat badan abi yg dulu tegap semakin kurus.! Ya , semakin kurus. Aku jadi semakin bersalah..bagaimana tidak kurus, pekerjaannya, kegiatan dakwahnya, musafirnya begitu jauh..tapi abi selalu makan nasi sepinggan dengan nasi separuh..tidak pernah menambah!

Tiba-tiba air mataku mengalir, sudah tiga bulan berkahwin, hampir belum ada kemajuan untuk aku mempersiapkan mujahidku..dan dia semakin kurus..

Entahlah..dulu sewaktu aku larut dalam dakwah..sibuk ke sana ke mari..aktivitiku hanya terfokus pada tarbiyyah dan dakwah..program..program diriku ku perah di sana..sehingga terabai tugas-tugas kerumahtanggan..sedangkan ini juga tarbiyyah dan dakwah!

Aku kini belajar sedikit demi sedikit..ziarah ke rumah ibu mertuaku ku kerapkan..kuperhatikan dgn teliti ibu mertuaku memasak, menunya, bahan-bahannya..caranya..dan tiap hari tanpa jemu ku praktikkan senyap2..sudahnya aku makan sendiri..:) aku cukup serius belajar utk menghidupkan rumahtanga kami dan menyihatkan rijalud dakwahku..

Akhirnya, setelah 6 bulan..aku semakin tega memasak....suatu hari .. 'ini mee goreng ala ummi'..
'waa..sedap nie..'.. abi kelihatan excited!
'dan ini sayur goreng kesukaan abi, tidak seperti bulan lalu..sekarang potongannya sudah professional..'
Abi kelihatan makan dengan agak berselera..
Dan aku menanti takut-takut.. 'camne abi..ok tak?'
Abi tersenyum, kali ini lebih manis..'Alhamdulillah..tapi..'
'nape abi?'..mukaku sedikit cuak..abi mebeliakkan matanya...tiba-tiba dia mengeluarkan sesuatu yang sempat dikunyahnya..aku terkejut..bulatan garam sebesar biji anggur..astaghfirullah!..
........

8 bulan setelah pernikahan kami..alhamdulillah segalanya berjalan semakin lancer..kini abi semakin ghairah menjelang waktu makan..mau makan masakan ummi katanya..tampak dia menghargai kesungguhanku dan penat lelahku..

Hari ini genap setahun usia perkahwinan kami, alhamdulillah, surat doctor pengesahan kehamilan ku lipat kemas..inilah hadiah ulang tahun kita..alhamdulillah syukur..sambil menunggu abi pulang, aku muraja'ah hafalan surah an-nuur..subhanallah, betapa mulianya tugas ini..tugas seorang isteri, seorang ibu yg cukup besar sumbangannya dalam pembentukan umat..

0015, abi pulang.. 'assalamualaikum wr wbt ummi..' 'waalaikumussalam wr wbt..abi..ada hadiah untuk abi..'
'dari siapa?'
'dari seorang akhawat..;)'

Abi mengerut kening, lantas tersenyum, diraihnya bungkusan dan di buka perlahan-lahan..'
'Alhamdulillah..syukur..' ada sebak dalam nadanya
'dan ini untuk ummi'..ujar abi tiba-tiba..
La..eh..aku sungguh terkejut..dihulurkan gulungan kertas seperti sijil kepadaku..
Ku buka perlahan-lahan..ditulis dengan dakwat emas..'buat ummi kebanggaan abi, terima kasih atas kerja keras selama ini. Abi sentiasa redha'..

Aku tak bisa menahan senduku..dia membeli kad dan menulis dengan tinta emas untukku..sungguh ya Allah, redhanya lebih berharga bagiku dari hadiah apapun genap setahun usia perkahwinan kami..:)

Buat Isteri Pejuang

Jelmaanmu merentas bongkah sendu
Mengorban naluri merungkai pilu
Mengharungi gurun tanpa bayu

Isteriku
Kehadhiranmu adalah mustika
Mengerlip cahaya sakinah
Laksana bintang membentuk arah burujnya

Isteriku
Saban waktu , dirimu abdi di gobokku
Senyum manismu menenang jiwaku
Kerlinganmu mengorak senyumku
Kesetiaanmu menyejuk mataku

Isteriku
Ketika kesejukan mataku
Memandang wajahmu duhai isteriku
Memori ini mengimbau zaman remajaku
Dikala kuhamparkan tangan ke awan biru
Merintih harap isteri yang solehah
Penyejuk mata dan penyeri rumahtangga

Isteriku
Di senjakala , ku menongkat resah
Dirimu tersangkar dalam kemiskinanku
Dirimu tak punya manikam permata untuk kukalungkan
Tiada nota ringgit untuk kuunjukkan
Tiada lambang kemewahan untukku hamparkan
Dirimu hanya ku langir debu
Ku balutkan jubah
Ku hilangkan dahagamu secangkir Cuma
Ku hambat bosanmu seketika sahaja

Isteriku
Di hening subuh ku merenung sayu
Dirimu kesepian dalam kesibukkanku
Hari - hari berlabuh kita berasingan
Kesedihanmu , sementara diriku di medan
Kesakitanmu pun tiada aku disisi
Rumahku , dirimulah penanti setia
Sementara bagiku , ia hanyalah dangau persinggahan

Isteriku
Dirimu masih setia dalam sangkar yang sepi
Demi nilai cinta dan ketaatanmu

Isteriku
Dongaklah wajahmu ke atas
Hulurlah tanganmu ke hadapan
Tabahlah duhai isteriku
Tidakkan ku sia siakan hidupmu
Kan ku hidangkan ilmu buatmu
Kan ku bawamu ke alam perjuangan
Kan ku hantarkan ke perlembahan hidayah

Isteriku
Bajailah cinta kita
Tenggelamkanlah kemelut rasamu

Isteriku

Diriku tetap setia disampingmu
Sungguhpun kita jarang bertemu

Sayang isteriku sayang isteriku

Posted at 26.12.07 by aannajah

Diari seorang istri solehah (bukan diari Ummu Ameer :p)

diari seorang isteri solehah

4.30pagi



Terasa hangat kucupan pada dahi ini. Ku lihat zauji di sebelah sudah siap berjubah putih dan berkopiah. Lantas daku hadiahkan sekuntum senyuman buat zauji. Sungguh semangat dia pagi itu. Mungkin kerana malam semalam dia tidak ada tugasan di luar. Kalau tidak nampak juga wajah keletihannya jika pulang lewat dari mesyuarat atau usrah cawangan. Namun, ianya tidak pernah tinggal.



Ya Allah, bersyukurnya aku padaMu kerana dikurniakan aku seorang suami yang soleh. Kau tetapkanlah imannya, kekalkanlah ketaqwaannya padaMu, dan eratkan lagi kasih sayang yang telah Engkau berikan kepada kami. Ameen! 



6.30pagi



Selesai menunaikan solat subuh dan mengaminkan doa kudus zauji, seperti biasa zauji akan memberikan sedikit kuliah buatku. Wajahnya sangat tenang. Walaupun ku tahu disebalik ketenangan itu terlalu banyak tugasan yang perlu zauji selesaikan. Jawatan sebagai Ketua Pemuda Kawasan membuatkan waktu untuk kami bersama amat terhad. Jadi, waktu beginilah zauji manfaatkan bersamaku. Aku redha dan pasrah, malah aku bangga miliki zauji. Dialah suamiku dunia akhirat.



8.00pagi



Pagi sabtu begini zauji ada mesyuarat mingguan di Taman Melawati. Lagipun pula sekarang sedang hangat isu pilihanraya umum, semakin sibuk insan kesayanganku itu, kekadang tak sampai hati melihat keadaan zauji. Ke sana dan ke mari menjalankan tugas. Namun tak pernah ia merintih dan mengadu. Aku persiapkan kelengkapannya untuk mnghadiri msyuarat. Baju dan seluarnya telah siap ku gosok. Kopiah, sapu tangan, dan stoking sudah pun kucuci, ku susun rapi di atas katil. Zauji kata hari ini dia perlu bawa fail Tarbiyyah dan Siasah. Aku capai fail2 yang sedia tersusun rapi di atas rak dan ku satukan bersama pen dan beberapa helai kertas kosong untuk zauji membuat catatan dan ku letakkan ke dalam briefcasenya. 

   

Aku bergegas ke dapur. Melihat pisang yang ku goreng. Zauji sedang menikmati teh panas. Aku suakan pisang goreng ke mulutnya. Zauji tersenyum, katanya pisang gorengku sedap, lantas cubitan manjaku singgah ke pipinya yang semakin usang dibawa usianya yang semakin meningkat.



Ya Allah, bahagianya aku pagi ini. Kau lindungilah suamiku, permudahkanlah tugasnya dan peliharalah dia. Kekalkanlah kemesraan ini hingga ke akhir hayat kami?



Sebelum zauji pergi ke Taman Melawati, dia berpesan padaku agar menjaga diri baik-baik. Zauji berjanji akan pulang selepas sahaja habis mesyuarat. Aku betulkan kopiah zauji yang senget sedikit. Aku pastikan segala kelengkapan yang perlu zauji bawa tidak tertinggal. Aku kucup tangan kasar zauji yang telah banyak bersusah payah mencari rezeki untuk kami sekeluarga. Walau tak seberapa gaji zauji terima, namun keberkatan dari Allah, wang yang sedikit itulah mengajar kami bersifat zuhud dan bersederhana dalam apajua keadaan. Zauji mengucup dahiku. Sebak rasanya di dada. Aku rangkul tubuhnya yang nampak letih namun di dalamnya membara darah hangat semangat seorang pejuang yang bakal mengalir titisan saga seorang mujahid. Jelas di wajahnya kerisauan untuk meninggalkan diriku berseorangan di rumah. Namun ku yakini zauji bahawa aku pandai menjaga diri. Zauji mengucapkan terima kasih kepada ku kerana menyiapkan kelengkapannya pagi itu dan sarapan untuknya. 



Sama-sama zauji, berjuanglah wahai mujahid Allah. 



10.00pagi



Alhamdulillah, Semuanya telah selesai. Baju sudah siap ku cuci dan ku sidai. Aku pastikan keadaan rumahku berada dalam keadaan bersih. Walau kecil rumah yang zauji sediakan untuk kami berteduh, namun aku tidak pernah merungut. Di rumah kecil inilah kami menyemai kasih sayang. Aku redha bahawa seorang isteri solehah tidak akan mengungkit-ungkit akan pemberian yang diberikan oleh suami, apatah lagi meminta-minta sesuatu yang diluar kemampuan zauji. 

   

Selepas selesai segala kerja-kerja rumah. Aku ke bilik khas tempat di mana zauji dan aku menyimpan fail-fail jemaah dan tempat kami berbincang. Rak buku yang mengandungi buku zauji dan buku ku yang kami kumpul sejak di universiti lagi. Zauji memang minat membaca. 

   

Aku membelek-belek planner dan sesekali aku mengerling ke arah jadual yang sedia terlekat di dinding. Sepatutnya aku ada usrah tetapi terpaksa dibatalkan. Waktu yang lapang ku cuba siapkan kerja-kerja zauji. Zauji kata, kalau ada masa lapang, buatkan teks tazkirah dan ceramah utknya. Zauji selalu juga mendapat undangan ceramah dan tazkirah setiap malam isnin, zauji akan memberi kuliah maghrib di surau berdekatan rumah kami. Zauji tahu aku tidak mempunyai ilmu yang mantap sepertinya, namun zauji selalu memberikan ku keyakinan padaku yang aku boleh. Jika ada kesalahan pada teks ku, zauji akan memperbetulkan dan memberi penerangan kepadaku.



11.45 pagi



Zauji baru sahaja telefon. Katanya mesyuarat baru sahaja habis. Aku bergegas ke dapur melihat asam pedas yang ku masak tadi. Tentu zauji suka. Aku pastikan segalanya dalam keadaan sedia. Diriku bersih dan terurus, itulah tanggungjawab seorang isteri. Kedengaran bunyi motor zauji dari kejauhan. Aku buka sedikit pintu, tersenyum zauji melihatku. Gembiranya hati ini melihat zauji tersenyum. Lapang rasa hati, tenang pula dijiwa. Aku sambut kepulangannya dengan mengucup tangannya. Zauji lantas memegang tanganku, dihulurkan satu bungkusan kepadaku. Di dalamnya ada sepasang jubah berwarna merah jambu. Aku senyum kepada zauji., tanda terima kasihku.



Ya Allah, semoga zauji menjadi suami yang soleh dan ku menjadi pendampingnya yang solehah. RedhaMu adalah kemuncak segala cita-cita, moga baitul muslim ini kekal hingga akhir hayat kami, amin!



3.00petang



Petang ini seperti biasa zauji duduk bersamaku menyelesaikan tugasan jemaah. Zauji selalu berpesan kepadaku jika ada sesuatu yang perlu dibicarakan, maka luahkanlah, zauji memang tidak pernah mengabaikan perasaanku. Aku selalu meyakinkan pada zauji agar jangan risau tentang diriku. Aku takut diriku menjadi asbab akan gugurnya zauji dari perjuangan ini. Tidak ingin sekali-kali.

   

Ku dambakan hati setabah Khadijah, minda secerdik Aisyah, jiwa setenang Fatimah dan diri sehebat Sumayyah. Ingin aku hadiahkan ketabahan, kecerdikan, dan ketenangan itu kepada zauji. Moga zauji bangga memiliki zaujah seperti itu. Namun, kurasakan diriku amat kerdil dan jauh untuk ku capai maqam setinggi itu.

   

Zauji selalu meyakinkan bahawa aku zaujah yang baik, itulah doa buatku, moga doa zauji dimakbulkan Allah.



9.00malam



Malam ini zauji ada tugasan di luar. Zauji diarahkan ke Kelantan untuk menghadiri mesyuarat bersama Tuan Guru. Aku siapkan kelengkapannya. Zauji kata, urusan ini mengambil masa seminggu. Sedih juga di hati ini, tapi aku harus terima hakikat bahawa zauji bukan milikku seorang. Allah adalah punya mutlak zauji kesayanganku. Maka aku mesti redha miliki suami ahli gerakan Islam. Sebelum zauji pergi, zauji menghulurkan sampul surat kepadaku. Aku tersenyum, zauji pun tersenyum. Pastinya surat buatku. Zauji pasti akan mengarang surat untukku jika dia bertugas di luar. Zauji akan menasihatiku dan memberikan perangsang buatku. Terima kasih zauji. 

   

Zauji semakin hilang di kepakatan malam yang hening itu. Dia pergi untuk menunaikan tanggungjawabnya kepada Islam. Selamat berjuang wahai mujahid Allah. Aku sentiasa di sini menanti kepulanganmu dengan penuh ketabahan dan kesabaran. Ketahuilah zauji tercinta, tidak pernah walau sekelumit aku menyesal menjadi surimu walau selalu ditinggalkan. Malah. Aku bersyukur dan merasa amat bangga kerana diizin Allah untuk bersamamu. Biarlah dunia ini penjara buat kita, namun di akhirat sana Allah pasti akan memberikan ganjaran pada hamba yang ikhlas dan sabar

Untuk Calon Suamiku..

Biar Rindu Jangan Jemu

"Dengan Nama Allah Yang Maha Pemurah Lagi Maha Mengasihani. 

Assolatuwassalam, selawat dan Assalamu'alaikum buat junjungan mulia, Muhammad saw Kekasih Istimewa. 

Assalamu'alaikum Sejahtera buat calon suamiku, moga Allah sentiasa merahmati dan memberkati dirimu yang tidak pernah kutemui, namun doaku tidak pernah putus mengiringi setiap langkahmu demi meraih keredhaanNya

Seindah perhiasan dunia adalah wanita yang sholehah

Kumulakan warkah ini dengan bait indah yang ditinggalkan Rasulullah saw kepada seisi alam. Wanita solehah! Idaman semua muslimin di alam maya ini..Alhamdulillah, itulah anjuran Islam yang kita cintai, pilihlah wanita yang mampu menyejukkan pandanganmu dan juga baitul muslim yang bakal dibina tika sampai saat itu, insyaAllah. 

Calon zaujku, 

Dinikahi seorang wanita itu kerana empat perkara hartanya, keturunannya, kecantikannya dan agamanya. Maka pilihlah hal keagamaannya, maka beruntunglah kedua-dua tanganmu.. 

Telah dinukilkan panduan sepanjang zaman, itulah lirikan utama buatmu memilih calon isteri. Tiap baris itu telah menjadi hafalanku sejak aku mengenali dunia baligh ini. 

Jika harta yang kau idamkan, ketahuilah diriku tidak punya apa-apa harta di dunia ini melainkan ilmu agama yang telah dititipkan buatku oleh arwah umi dan arwah abah. Tiada harta untuk kupersembahkan dalam taklik ijab kita nanti. Tiada harta sebagai jaminan bahawa kau akan menikmati sedikit kesenangan apabila ijab bersaksi telah dilafazkan. Hanya ketenangan yang mampu aku sediakan buatmu kerana aku pernah terbaca kata-kata ... 

"Dan di antara tanda-tanda kekuasaan Nya ialah Dia menciptakan untukmu isteri-isteri dari jenismu sendiri, supaya kamu cenderung dan merasa tenteram kepadanya, dan dijadikannya di antaramu rasa kasih dan sayang. (Rum: 21) 

Jika keturunan yang mulia itu yang kau dambakan, ketahuilah jua aku hanyalah sebatang kara di dunia ini. Arwah umi dan abah telah menitipkan aku di bawah pengawasan Allah sebagai penjaga mutlak diriku. Namun apa yang pasti. Aku adalah keturunan mulia, ayahanda Nabi Adam as dan bonda Hawa as, sama seperti mu. Ingin aku berkongsi lafaz sahih ini denganmu ... 

"... maka bertawakkallah kepada Allah, sesungguhnya Allah mengasihi orang yang bertawakal kepadaNya. Jika Allah menolong kamu maka, tiada seseorangpun yang boleh menghalang kamu, dan jika ia mengecewakan kamu, maka siapakah yang dapat menolong kamu sesudah Allah (menetapkan demikian) ? dan ingatlah kepada Allah jualah hendaknya orang yang beriman itu berserah diri..." (Ali Imran : 159-160) 

Kecantikan, itulah pandangan pertama setiap insan. Malah aku meyakini bahawa kau juga tidak terlepas seperti insan yang lain. Ketahuilah, jika kecantikan itu yang kau inginkan daripada diriku, kau telah tersalah langkah. Tiada kecantikan yang tidak terbanding untuk kupertontonkan padamu. Telah aku hijabkan kecantikan diriku ini dengan amalan ketaatan kepada tuntutan agama yang kucintai. Kau hanya membuang masa jika kau menginginkan kecantikan lahiriah semata-mata. 

aku tidak menjanjikan aku mampu membahagiakan rumahtangga kita nanti, kerana aku memerlukan engkau untuk bersama-samaku menegakkan dakwah islamiyyah ini, dan aku merelakan diri ini menjadi penolongmu untuk membangunkan sebuah markas dakwah dan tarbiyyah ke arah jihad hambaNya kepada Penciptanya yang agung. Melalui pencarian ilmu agama bersama, marilah kita jadikan pernikahan ini sebagai risalah demi meneruskan perjuangan Islam. Aku masih kekuranin ilmu agama, tetapi berbekalkan ilmu agama yang telah dibekalkan ini. Aku ingin menjadi isteri yang sentiasa mendapat keredhaan Allah dan suamiku untuk memudahkan aku membentuk usrah muslim antara aku, kau dan anak-anak kita untuk dibaiahkan dengan ketaatan kepada Allah Yang Maha Esa. Aku bercita-cita bergelar pendamping solehah, seperti mana yang dijanjikan Rasul, 

" Semoga Allah memberi rahmat kurnia kepada lelaki yang bangun di tengah malam lalu dia sembahyang dan membangunkan isterinya, maka sekiranya enggan juga bangun untuk bersembahyang, dia merenjiskan air ke mukanya. Semuga Allah memberi rahmat kurnia kepada wanita yang bangun di tengah malam lalu bersembahyang dan membangunkan suaminya. Maka jika dia enggan, dia merenjiskan air kemukanya." (Riwayat Abu Daud dengan Isnad yang sahih)

 

Renungilah FirmanNya ini, lalu kau akan tahu hakikat diriku dan dirimu dipertemukan oleh Allah atas namanya pertemuan dan jodoh. 

Hai sekalian manusia, bertakwalah kepada Tuhanmu yang telah menciptakan kamu dari diri yang satu, dan daripadanya Allah menciptakan isterinya; dan daripada keduanya Allah memperkembangbiakkan lelaki dan perempuan yang banyak. Dan bertakwalah kepada Allah yang dengan (mempergunakan) namaNya kamu saling meminta satu sama lain, dan (peliharalah) hubungan silaturrahim. Sesungguhnya Allah selalu menjaga dan mengawasi kamu. (An Nisaa : 1) 

Calon Suamiku yang dirahmati, 

" Kaum lelaki itu adalah pemimpin bagi kaum wanita, oleh kerana Allah telah melebihkan sebahagian mereka (lelaki) atas sebahagian yang lain (wanita), dan kerana mereka (lelaki) telah menafkahkan sebahagian 
dari harta mereka".(An-Nissa':34) 

Membenarkan seperti apa yang telah Dia katakan dalam QalamNya yang mulia. Aku meyakini bahawa engkau adalah pemimpin untukku dan anak-anak pewaris kejihadan Islam yang bakal lahir. Jadikanlah pernikahan ini sebagai asas pembangunan iman dan bukannya untuk memuaskan bisikan syaitan yang menjadikan ikatan pernikahan sebagai tunjang nafsu semata-mata. Moga diriku dan dirimu sentiasa didampingi kerahmatan dan keredhaanNya. Lakukanlah tanggungjawabmu itu dengan syura kesabaran, qanaah ketabahan moga kita akan menjadi salah satu daripada jemaah saf menuju ke syurga insyaAllah. 

Ingin aku berbicara mengenai pemberianmu kepadaku. Kau terlalu membimbangkan akan kehendak bersifat duniawi semata-mata. Benar?!  Ketahuilah. Aku tidak menginginkan hantaran bersusun, mas khawin yang hanya akan menyebabkan hatiku buta dalam menilai erti kita dipertemukan oleh Allah atas dasar agama. Cukuplah seandainya, maharku sebuah Qalam Mulia, Al-Quran, kerana aku meyakini Qalam itu mampu memimpin rumahtangga kita dalam meraih keredhaanNya bukan kekayaan dunia yang bersifat sementara. Bantulah aku dalam menjayakan agama Allah ini melalui pernikahan, kerana ia adalah laluan untuk aku menyempurnakan separuh daripada agamaku, insyaAllah. Akhlakmu yang terdidik indah oleh ibu bapa dan orang sekelilingmu, itulah yang aku harapkan daripada kekayaan duniawi yang kau sediakan. Kutitipkan sebahagian daripada pembacaanku dalam Jalan Dakwah Mustaffa Masyhur, tidak lagi wujud keborosan dan kebakhilan kerana semuanya berada di dalam udara Qana'ah (berpuas hati dengan apa yang ada), redha dan yakin bahawa dunia ini bukanlah negara Janatunna'im. Lihatlah rumahtangga Rasulullah s.a.w kadang-kadang berlalu sebulan demi sebulan, pernah dapurnya tidak berasap kerana tidak ada bahan makanan yang dapat dimasak. Walaupun demikian susahnya, rumahtangga Rasulullah s.a.w tetap menjadi rumahtangga yang paling bahagia yang tidak ada tolok bandingnya hingga ke hari ini. 

Terlalu panjang rasanya aku mencoretkan warkah ini. Cukup dahulu buat tika ini, andai diizinkan aku akan kembali menitipkankan lagi kiriman bertintakan hati ini. Akhir bicara, maaf andai tiada pertemuan yang kususuli kerana padaku biarlah merindu daripada jemu tatkala kita disatukan. 
Wassalam 

.::. Ya Allah, gembirakan kami dengan redhaMu .::. 

~tulang rusuk kirimu~ 

pertemuan... 
menghadiahkan kita kasih sayang... 
jika cinta satu pasti bertemu... 
ia tidak ternilai... 
kerana antara hati kita 
telah tiada antaranya lagi 
yang ada hanyalah cinta kasih Ilahi... 
kita berpisah hanya sementara 
kerna pertemuan bukan milik kita... 
jasad dan suara berjauhan sentiasa 
namun cinta abadi... 
biar berpisah selalu menderita 
kerana syurga menagih ujian 
sedang neraka dipagari oleh nikmat 
bertemu tidak jemu...berpisah tak gelisah...

Dakwah bukan untuk orang yang manja!

Tarbiyyah bukan untuk orang yang malas.

Dakwah bukan untuk orang yang takut nak bergerak dan mencabar diri.

Tarbiyyah bukan untuk orang yang cepat bosan, lari, lompat-lompat, sekejap down-sekejap up, cepat terasa.

Tarbiyyah bukan bagi orang yang memilih program untuk dia ikuti yang senang dan mudah join, yang penat, bersusah payah elak.

Bukan untuk orang yang mencari tarbiyyah hanya bila terasa diuji oleh tuhan. Kalau tak, batang hidung pun tak nampak.

Bukan bagi yang meletakkan dakwah hanya untuk mencari calon akhawat atau ikhwah sebagai sang isteri dan suami,

Yang join hanya untuk meminta tolong teman-teman pencerahan bila dia dalam kesusahan.
Tapi kesenangan dan kelebihan yang dia dapat, tak share pun dengan orang lain.

 Yang cepat mengalah,

Yang meletakkan mabit, qiamullail, daurah, dan tathqif dalam diari hanya selepas ditolak dengan semua agenda dan upacara-upacara 'penting' yang lain.

Yang hanya pandai cakap (dan menulis), tapi amal kosong

Yang hanya tahu compare jamaah itu dengan jamaah ini, yang boleh mengkritik dan menilai harakah ini dan itu.

Dakwah bukan untuk orang yang ikut liqa hanya kerana nak disebut sebagai ahli dalam harakah ini dan itu, jamaah ini dan itu.

Dakwah bukan untuk orang yang tak boleh diberi tugasan last minute.

Dakwah bukanlah untuk orang yang tak nak keluarkan duit, infaq di jalan Allah.

Dakwah bukan untuk orang yang tak boleh sesekali tidur lewat, terpaksa berjalan jauh.

Dakwah bukan bagi orang yang kalau ada program untuk ikut terlibat, mesti naik motokar besar dan mewah, yang air-cond dan laju. Yang tak nak naik bas, public transport, dan yang kena berpeluh-peluh.

Tarbiyah bukan untuk orang yang kena contact dan info dia setiap masa tentang perkembangan terkini sedangkan dia kena macam boss, hanya tunggu information.

Pencerahan bukan bagi mereka yang hanya nak berkawan dengan orang berduit dan berharta, yang hidup mewah, dan mengelak berkawan dengan orang susah, miskin, dan pakai comot.


Dakwah bukanlah untuk orang yang setiap masa dan ketika, kerja nak beri alasan ini dan itu. Penat, mengantuk, susah, banyak kerja, keluarga tak bagi keluar.


Tarbiyyah bukanlah segala-galanya. Tapi segala-galanya bermula dengan tarbiyyah.
Tanpa anda, orang yang sering beralasan ini, dakwah akan terus berjalan. Islam akan tetap berjaya. Ummah akan tetap terpelihara.


Cuma tanpa pencerahan,
Tanpa tarbiyyah,
Tanpa dakwah
Belum tentu kita akan berjaya di mahsyar nanti.

 
Tak mengapa. Teruskan hidup anda seperti biasa. Dakwah tak memerlukan anda. Tiada siapa pun yang rugi tanpa kehadiran anda.
Berbahagialah seadanya.

Saya menghitung diri.
Terlalu kerap menuturkan.
saya busy..saya sibuk..saya penat..saya letih..
Adakah ini petandanya saya terlalu manja?
Ya Allah, tabahkan hamba-Mu.
amanah ini bukan hak milik, tp anugerah dr Nya

 copied from aannajah.blogdrive.com

Zaujah of Muhammad al-A'thiq Marzuki

Initially I planned to give this blog to my husband, Muhammad al-A'thiq Marzuki since I already had another blog- Have A Cup of Cappuccino. However now I am thinking of sharing this blog with him, since Zauji hated the other blog so much that he wanted to delete it. While writing this, the blog still exists. 

3 weeks and 6 days until our wedding

I start to make internal preparation to be a wife. Today marks the day when I aggresively read on tips to be an isteri solehah. It is not easy, yup it is definitely far from easy...

Born in a small family of 5 siblings + ummi + abah, and being the second child out of 5, with 1 mature sister and 2 mature younger bros below me, having a very patient and tough elder sister and a passive lovely housewife as my mummy, a very great dad and recently i received a sporting elder brother (kakak got married), I think I am a spoilt kid. Yup, very spoilt. I am used to getting what I want easily, and pampered and I am not used to be shouted at (except when I was small and abah was very garang back then to make sure we grew up right) neither roughly handled, I am definitely spoilt. I cry very easily and over the smallest thing when others don't think it is a valid reason to cry. I had a very easy life Alhamdulillah, being an average student since i started primary school until i got admitted to a medical school. 

I got engaged at the old age of 21 (because my childhood dream was to get married at the age of 18), learning about A'thiq. InsyaAllah will be his wife at the age of 23. Engagement wasn't an easy period for me or for A'thiq. Simply because I am such a spoilt kid.. It's hard for him to scold me for my wrongdoings, because I would remember it forever, and of course I would cry. Even though we are not yet married, I consider that I already have two families. My family and his family. If previously I whined to Ummi and my sibs, now I extend my whining to his sister huhu. Bila merajuk mengadu kat family member dia haha. Am I plotting a strategy to expel him or what?? I'm trying to conquer everything perhaps :p That's the worst problem~ I'm very good at acting cunning

Ego, Keras kepala, Akhlaq buruk~ name it, I have being labelled by him. Only now I realize that I don't have the slightest criteria to be classified as isteri solehah. I am extra manja, I am always pampered, I am bossy, I don't help him in lessening his burden. I take his presence lightly and emphasize more on my medical training and building my career. I want to always feel appreciated, but I guess I very seldom make him feel appreciated.. 

A'thiq I am truly sorry for that..

But today, I have decided since I am going to be a wife, and since I am going to be a mummy, I have to be as mature as ummi. i shouldn't act childish further. Along my journey towards being an isteri solehah, I will jot here every now and then my experience, my tears, my joy. How I hope I will be THE ONLY and THE BEST ZAUJAH for Muhammad al-A'thiq Marzuki...

Ameen.

May this be my last post

Bismillahirrahmaanirrahim..

My dear readers, 

Allow me to begin writing this last post with an apology. Sorry for any inappropriate words, issues, or articles which may have delivered uneasiness or anger into your pure heart. Sorry for any wrongwritings which may have left ugly scars (or even keloid) in your soul. Sorry for any comment reply which you think only created hatred. Sorry for laying out such personal stories which had mercilessly thrown away your time into a waste. Sorry for the negativism that had been stuffed continuously thus creating a nauseating ambience in this page. Basically, i am sorry for everything.

Once you are a blogger, you always are. That is what I always believe. I have been blogging for years (this is not my first blog by the way). My first was a friendster blog, but even the friendster account doesn't even exist anymore. Currently I am using my second friendster account. I guess I have the tendency to create and delete accounts huhuu. They are all free!. I can't remember how many blogs I have created so far. To delete this blog is undeniably not an easy decision to be made. I cried over it the whole weekend. Probably I'll just make it a private one~ Why do I have to?? I don't know (of course I know perfectly the reason behind it huhu)

At last, I succumb to the wifey disease~ it's terminal, and it's malignant. marriage is approaching and yet I don't even know what will happen. Semua takdir Allah kan? Manalah tahu ajalku yang tiba dulu ke.. ajal my fiance tiba dulu ke.. jodoh tu Allah yg dah atur right? And I can't say dialah jodohku until we become husband and wife by syariat definition. But despite all  that, preparations have to be made. Material preparation is of course not as important as knowledge and practise. Currently freaked out about the isteri solehah thing (which I am sure I clearly fail). I have to burn the midnight oil and study extra hard to at least get a pass to be a 'bolehla' wife (not even an 'ok' wife, then don't dream of being a 'superb' wife) sigh sigh and sigh~

Next in the to-be-deleted list are

1. facebook

2. friendster

but hey Me is still Me. I haven't changed a bit :) And to the sisters, I will always be available for you!

Do do and do pray for me, for my marriage, for me to be an isteri solehah and anak solehah, for me to be a good muslimah and mujahidah, for me to be a succesful Doctor, for me to be calon penghuni syurga. With that, thank you and Assalamualaikum :)

p/s perhaps when i become a wife, i'll try to persuade my husband into blog writing.. and perhaps (just perhaps) once in a while I could tumpang sekaki? hehe. just perhaps..

This is even scarier!!!

Waaaaaa~ this is even scarier!!!

Berikut adalah tips yang telah disarankan oleh pakar motivasi kita yang terkemuka iaitu Datuk Dr Fadilah Kamsah, yang dipetik dari majalah jelita. InsyaALLAH tips-tips yang disarankan ini dapat memulihkan hubungan suami isteri. Tips ini khas buat si isteri . . .

#####
1. Apabila berbual becakap atau berbincang, gunakan hubungan mata, gerak hati, pegang tangan erat-erat, duduk rapat-rapat, baring bersama dan bernafas serentak, ajak atau biarkan pasangan anda berbaring di atas ribaan.

2. Cuba nasak yang paling sedap unutk suami setiap masa. Usah paksa suami komen apabila dia hanya berdiam diri.

3. Temankan pasangan apabila melakukakn kerje bersendirian pada waktu malam.

4. Letakkan barang-barang keperluan suami di tempat lazim agar mudah dia mendapatkannya.

5. Tolong bawa barang walaupun suami kita mampu membawa semua.

6. Bacakan berita yang menarik perhatian pasangan atau buat keratan berita yang disukainya daripada akhbar atau majalah.

7. Megemas tempat tidur umpama baru kahwin.

8. Ceritakan karenah anak yang membuatkan anda gembira atau geli hati kepada pasangan.

9. Usah dera pasangan secara fizikal atau batin .

10. Tunjukkan minat mengenai perkara yang dilakukan pasangan, kerje yang dibuat dan orang yang ditemui.

11. Apabila pasangan kurang sihat, beri perhatian sewajarnya. Manjakan pasangan seperti kita memanjakan anak.

12. Beri tindak balas positif apabila mendegar pasangan bercerita.

13. Masuk tidur bersama-sama dengan pasangan. Jika kita ingin tidur dahulu, minta kebenaran daripada pasangan.

14. Salam/peluk/cium dan belai pasangan sebelum bertugas.

15. Cuba ketawa apabila pasangan buat lawak atau bercerita sesuatu yang melucukan.

16. Ucapkan terima kasih atas setiap khidmat pasangan.

17. Cari masa untuk berdua-duaan sekali sekala.

18. Berkelah bersama pasangan.

19. Doakan pasangan supaya bahagia di dunia dan akhirat (tanpa pegetahuannya).

20. Pelawa pasangan berjalan-jalan tanpa anak.

21. Cuba berikan apa-apa yang pasangan hajati.

22. Nyatakan yang ada merinduinya bila berjauhan.

23. Sesekali buat kuih kegemaran suami.

24. Beribadah atau menyertai kegiatan di gimnasium bersama-sama.

25. Usah menghukum pasangan jika dia mengecewakan anda tanpa sengaja.

26. Maafkan pasangan jika dia terlupa buat sesuatu untuk anda.

27. Minta maaf dengan segera jika melukakan hati hatinya.

28. Cuba fahami pasangan jika dia membangkang atau enggang membantu.

29. Apabila suami minta maaf, terima dengan kasih sayang. Usah jual mahal sangat. Ingat, kebanyakan suami berasa sukar untuk meminta maaf daripada isteri.

30. Pamerkan keseronokan apabila berhubungan intim.

31. Tunjukkan simpati dan bantu pasangan mencari barang yang hilang atau tersalah letak.

32. Nyatakan dengan hikmah kepada suami jika anda tidak mengemari pilihannya seperti pakaian, tempat makan, lauk-pauk dan destinasi percutian.

33. Berkongsi perasaan negatif dengan pasangan secara terbuka tanpa menyalahkannya.

34. Jangan mengesa suami melakukan sesuatu yang sememangnya ingin dilakukan kerana ini boleh menyebabkan suami tawar hati.

35. Elak memberi penjelasan dengan panjang lebar. Suami sering melenting apabila isteri “bersyarah” panjang lebar kerana ini menunjukkan seolah-olah isteri tidak percaya pada suami.

36. Elak menjadikan suami berasa tidak mampu, tidak layak dan tidak berkebolehan.

37. Ramai suami seronok dan selesa sekadar duduk bersama isteri. Justeru, isteri perlu sanggup berbual dan bercerita tanpa banyak tindak balas daripada suami.

38. Jangan cabar pasangan

39. Apabila berselisih faham atau bertengkar, fokus pasa masalah yang sedang dibahaskan dan usah ungkit perkara lalu.

40. Beri dan perbaharui kepercayaan kepada pasangan sepenuhnya setiap masa. Jangan suka mengenang rekod lama dan usah melabel pasangan berdasarkan rekod itu.

41. Jangan ingkar mengenai perkara yang telahpun dipersetujui. Pasangan akan berkecil hati jika anda menyatakan persetujuan tetapi tidak bertindak seperti dipersetujui bersama.

42. Isteri mempunyai kelebihan dalam memahami suami. Justeru, jadilah si Kembang Cina. Fahami hakikat bahawa kebanyakan suami mengalami kesukaran memahami isteri.

43. Ramai suami berasa janggal dan malu menyatakan sayang pada isteri. Justeri isteri perlu membaca perlakuan suami yang menunjukkan kasih sayangnya. Usah paksa suami meluahkan perasaan. Sesungguhnya, “action speaks louder than words”.

44. Cemburu tanda sayang tetapi jangan keterlaluan kerana boleh menyebabkan pasangan anda menjadi rimas dan serba salah.

45. Untuk merangsangkan suami pamerkan kasih sayang dan puji selalu.

46. Elak menasihat suami jika tidak diminta. Isteri meminta nasihat unutk bermanja tetapi bagi suami itu satu kelemahan.

47. Apabila pasangan berkata atau berbuat sesuatu yang menyakiti hati, adalah lebih baik untuk mencari kepastian daripadanya. Usah membuat tanggapan sendiri yang mungkin tersilap.

48. Selepas berusah bersungguh-sungguh, berdoa dan bertawakal kepada ALLAH SWT semogo hidup kita bahagia di dunia dah akhirat, amin . . .

Isteri Solehah?

I know for sure why I keep writing today, because i feel so not at ease. Everything is just not right. And i keep searching on 'isteri solehah'. ~sigh~ I thought I would feel better, but then i feel worse ~sigh again~ Seems like to be an isteri solehah is next to impossible.... :(

So I just copy some of the things that I have found, hoping that I can read it again and again and again.. and finally practise it... ~sigh for the third time~

Mari hayati pesanan isteri ‘Auf bin Muhlim Ashaibani kepada puterinya ketika hendak bernikah dengan al Haris bin Amr, raja negeri Kandah. Sewaktu utusan diraja hendak membawa pengantin untuk disampaikan kepada raja, ibunya berwasiat kepada anak perempuannya:

“Wahai anakku! Kalaulah wasiat ini untuk kesempurnaan adabmu, aku percaya kau telah mewarisi segala-galanya, tetapi ia sebagai peringatan untuk yang lalai dan pedoman kepada yang berakal.

Andai kata wanita tidak memerlukan suami kerana berasa cukup dengan kedua ibu bapanya, tentu ibumu adalah orang yang paling berasa cukup tanpa suami. Tetapi wanita diciptakan untuk lelaki dan lelaki diciptakan untuk mereka.

Wahai puteriku, Sesungguhnya engkau akan meninggalkan rumah tempat kamu dilahirkan dan kehidupan yang telah membesarkanmu untuk berpindah kepada seorang lelaki yang belum kamu kenal dan teman hidup yang baru. Kerana itu, jadilah 'budak' wanita baginya, tentu dia juga akan menjadi 'budak' bagimu serta menjadi pendampingmu yang setia.

Peliharalah sepuluh sifat ini terhadapnya, tentu ia akan menjadi perbendaharaan yang baik untukmu.

Pertama dan kedua, berkhidmat dengan rasa puas serta taat dengan baik kepadanya.

Ketiga dan keempat, memerhatikan tempat pandangan matanya dan bau yang diciumnya. Jangan sampai matanya memandang yang buruk daripadamu dan jangan sampai dia mencium kecuali yang harum daripadamu.

Kelima dan keenam, memerhatikan waktu tidur dan waktu makannya, kerana lapar yang berlarutan dan tidur yang terganggu dapat menimbulkan rasa marah.

Ketujuh dan kelapan, menjaga hartanya dan memelihara kehormatan serta keluarganya. Perkara pokok dalam masalah harta adalah membuat anggaran dan perkara pokok dalam keluarga adalah pengurusan yang baik.

Kesembilan dan kesepuluh, jangan membangkang perintahnya dan jangan membuka rahsianya. Apabila kamu tidak mentaati perintahnya, bererti kamu melukai hatinya. Apabila kamu membuka rahsianya kamu tidak akan aman daripada pengkhianatannya.

Kemudian janganlah kamu bergembira di hadapannya ketika dia bersedih atau bersedih di hadapannya ketika dia bergembira. Jadilah kamu orang yang sangat menghormatinya, tentu dia akan sangat memuliakanmu.

Jadilah kamu orang yang selalu sepakat dengannya, tentu dia akan sangat belas kasihan dan sayang kepadamu.

Ketahuilah, sesungguhnya kamu tidak akan dapat apa yang kamu inginkan sehingga kamu mendahulukan keredaannya daripada keredaanmu, dan mendahulukan kesenangannya daripada kesenanganmu, baik dalam hal yang kamu sukai atau yang kamu benci dan Allah akan memberkatimu.”

Nasihat di atas seharusnya diterima dengan beberapa asas penting:

l Suami yang dicari adalah suami yang beriman lagi taat kepada perintah Allah.

l Ketaatan kepada suami adalah wajib dengan syarat beliau tidak melakukan perkara yang bertentangan dengan syariat Allah.

l Begitulah hukum Allah, di sana sentiasa ada ‘dua bahagian muka syiling’. Kalau diperhati setiap nasihat di atas, perbuatan kita yang positif akan menghasilkan reaksi dan tindak balas positif juga dengan izin Allah.

Pray and be patient

this morning i went to the ward just to keep myself busy, while holding my breath hoping that the dark memory from yesterday would be washed away. Spent few minutes with 2 patients (including melayan sorang kakak who was very anxious that her baby was still in breech presentation~huu was only 32 weeks in pregnancy pun) then bergayut pulak dgn Ummi at the ward corridor then straightaway went to ECM. (ait apekah gunanya pergi ward only to spend my time bergayut dgn Ummi?? hehe). Talking to Ummi gave me such a huge relief. Ummi told me to pray to Allah, pray, pray and pray.. kat siapa lagi nak berharap di dunia ni???? Yeah it's true. Ummi told me to be patient. Life is a test, but i keep forgetting that fact...! Life is just for a while, but the hereafter is for eternity.. So what am I desperately searching for in this non-permanent, temporary, short period in between my birth and death?..... Worldly satisfaction perhaps.. Astaghfirullah

Shika Jr needed a good bath (euwww) plus I needed time to be alone plus my tummy craved for Pizza (Boycotting Issue noted!). I guess once in a while i need good food. Didn't intend to buy anything anyway (currently on tight budget!!). After half an hour of a good quiet walk passing by all the shops residing in the ECM, and entering the unluckiest few (because I wasn't even in the mood to do window shopping, let alone willingly empty my purse in exchange for goodies. I just needed a lonely walk), suddenly the mall became so noisy with some kind of show- some cheerleading or aerobic dance if I'm not mistaken. It was irritating (the show and the loud music of course, the tight outfits, the mingling between boys and girls), so I hastily grabbed my pizza and went out, heading for Maybank. (Aiyaa I have to accomplish so many things even on saturday)

Yesterday I went to Klinik Kesihatan (Governement Clinic) to do HIV test, which I have procrastinated for few months, met with a pakcik, bringing his form 4 daughter, seeking for treatment. i had just entered the clinic, when my eardrum suddenly captured a high-pitch cruel voice of a nurse, obviously she was mad at something. Pak cik tu mengadu macam tu lah klinik kerajaan.. I just nodded in agreement. I don't even have the gut to go to a governement clinic if not for the HIV test which is mandatory to be done in a Klinik Kesihatan. Well that is life. The treatment is not free anyway. You pay with your dignity.

Today a friend told me how sad she felt because she didn't manage to do CP. Again that is life. You chase the doctors around, pretending that you don't even realize that the word 'dignity' exists. In the end you get rejected but you still turn away, smiling, though your heart bleeds to hypovolemic shock!

As for me, i write on so many pessimism lately, all because of yesterday's incidence. I think I have the sila-kemukakan-aduan-anda-disini appearance thus the numerous aduan I have received despite my whereabout.. but it's good you know, at least I know Allah tests me very lightly, and all I have to do is to pray and be patient :)

Ummi and Michael Jackson

Once Ummi told me she liked the song by Michael Jackson entitled "One Day In Your Life". It was Michael Jackson in his younger years, and his voice was still so youngish. An old song, probably it was very famous in Ummi's time. So as usual she asked Yasir to search for that song and download into her phone. Currently (for quite some time) she uses the song as her ringtone.

I was curious why does she like that song so much- and of course I searched for the lyric. I listen to songs depending on the lyrics. Some songs are good to boost your motivation, some are beneficial in making you feel insaf etc. But of course if it is useless, it IS useless. Don't torture your eardrums and cochlea unnecessarily.

When I inspected the lyric for the first time, I cruelly told her "I hate this song!". Why? Because the lyric is picturing someone who has been left behind and yet that person is very forgiving- ever ready to accept back the person who has left her, should 1 day he/she realizes her mistake. Ummi just smiled. I guess she is such a forgiving person.. Mothers always are!!!

This blog is so useless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't bother to read

It is now 16:55, I have just arrived in the hostel and haven't even performed my 'asr prayer.. That is the best medicine I need right now, and I mean it, I really need it... Few hundred minutes ago I thought I was so strong in braving the world, but now I'm crumbling to the tiniest ragged pieces right in the middle of everything that is fast forwarding.. I have never realized before (though I have anticipated earlier) that in this wide world, people who hate me soooo much do exist. I guess my mere existence is a subject to be despised of. Really I'm worn to tatters with those slicing words.

The idea of being 'punched' directly in my haggard face is not an alien anymore~ I've experienced it bitter and shocking. It makes me wonder, have I failed in strictly following the course outline on how to be a good muslimah???.........................

If I ask for a person's favour but that person refuse, then I won't go around accusing and getting mad. It's her option, It's her right. As far as I can remember, I have never even once in my 23 years of life, tell a people that her akhlaq is very buruk. Who am I to judge? As if my akhlaq is extremely perfect... I learn to accept people as they are, because I am perfectly aware that I am just another human being trying to share with others, the good points in life. But after all these, my soul has just been bashed to an irreversible death.

Really I am tired physically and psychologically hence the extra-useless article. Let me emphasize for i hope the last time, this blog is so useless! I have never asked anybody to read it by the way, and if anybody hate this blog as much as you hate me, don't bother to type the url ummuameer.blogspot.com~ This blog is not an ilmiah one truthfully, it was created merely to mark my insignificant existence in this world. Please.. let me share at least a tiny piece of the global digital world which I can call a 'home'.  

I'm losing bit by bit of my own personality~ Ohh it's dissolving and disappearing.. Awful-

I need to escape. Is there any hideout where I can seek refuge? I am in desperate need to be alone...

27th May 2007 Obstetric Analgesia- My group's seminar!

Allow me to begin by saying THANK YOU SO MUCH esp to my seminar mates- Hana, Izzati, Wani, Farhah (Paah), and of course to Prof Ariff and the staff nurse and kakak2 MLT (hehe tak ingat nama la). 

It was indeed an experience, for me, worth to be remembered forever :) And it was really nice working with you guys!! Walaupun everything pun last minute hehe~ isn't that very normal for a medical student? (huuuu)

Monitoring Station: Paah ngan Jetul kat Station Paah. Eleh jetul tu saje je sibuk2 dekat2 ngan paah hehe

Patient-Controlled Analgesia: I guess Hana is happy being the key-holder of that machine hehe

Epidural Analgesia Station: Izzati was the one manning the station. Tersenyum gembira dia hehe

Spinal Analgesia Station: Wani is busy with the spinal procedure

Resuscitation Station: My station but obviously it was not me in the pic. Err mimi I think

The activities are going on

I forgot one important pic!! Of Prof Ariff and Nurses huuu. They helped us a lot during the preparation period. All in all I was happy with the mini exhibition, Alhamdulillah :) Though I think after the second group my vocal cord screamed for some justice -haisyy-

A medical student searching for tiny bit of strength

Currently treating my wounded feeling in the freezing IIUM Library, hoping the sophisticated serenity would wash away the bitter memory in the labour room this morning. For the second time, i cried again in the territory of mothers-to-be, trying to create a world record perhaps and grab the title of 'the crying medical student' huu. This time it was no joke. For the third time, my patient was taken away from me.. 

I was the one who clerked the patient when she was admitted to the labour ward yesterday morning. And I was the one who accompanied Dato' checking on the patient and performing the vaginal examination early this morning. I was among the first to know that her cervical os was 5 cm when the nurses emphasized it was only 2cm. (as usual Dato' double checked the VE finding). I was the one who helped the nurse to change the patient into hospital gown. And yet, when I went out of the room just for a while, a student nurse claimed that the patient was hers.. Not even the tiniest anger tried to reside in my heart, instead i went to the prayer room, dialled Ummi's number and cried my heart out. Sedih sangat sangat sangat sangat...

Of course I knew better than to start an argument with her.. the nursing students were staff nurses who further their studies and specialize in midwifery.. I knew better than to argue with those who have more extensive experience and knowledge than me. I knew better than to argue with those who are older than me.. some of them are younger than Ummi only by few years.. and yet I still feel sad.

I just leave the labour room, worried that I might cry uncontrollably if I were to stay a bit longer, had breakfast with Mimi and straightaway headed for IIUM common room. Performed sunat dhuha to ease whatever tangled feelings invading my heart, sleep on the sejadah still clad in my telekung until a friend came in.

She told me how depressed she was, as not even a case presentation was done by her. She had tried her best chasing after the doctors just to present the cases that she had clerked, and yet until last night all her effort was fruitless. She was even rejected with reasons that are concluded as "I am busy". I have never seen a doctor who is not busy by the way. And that was when I realized she has been tested far heavier than me. At least I managed to do some case presentations before, and I had the chance to repair episiotomies before, I have only 1 more delivery to be conducted, I had the chance to observe twin delivery including siamese twin, I had the opportunity to witness anencephalic baby, breech and intrauterine death delivery, I was bestowed with so many bounties from Allah and yet here I am at the edge of giving up.

That little talk gave me enough to move on. And my seminar tomorrow? I promise that I'll try to give my best shot! insyaAllah :) I am hoping it would be a little bit different and special and something worth to be remembered forever :) Will try to upload pics on the event tomorrow!

As for now I am not planning to march into the labour room yet, not until I am well equipped with valour once again, tonight perhaps?.. Novak's gynae is anxiously waiting for me to flip through the pages and be specific, I am contented with Trophoblastic disease for the time being :D

Maybe I should just move on?....

We miss you..

The actual truth I think...

One can easily read 1000-pages novel x 4 (4 novels in a series for example the Twilight saga), non-stop until she/he has reached the very last fullstop of the last sentence of the last chapter of the last book, then only the person realizes he/she has to sadly internalize the bitter truth that the story has ended.. 

But..

One has to drag the heavy heart, torture the reluctant mind, and strain the refusing eyes just to read a 50-words paragraph on facts! Wondering along the way as when will the end finally emerges.. (please don't exclude the author)

So..

It justifies my super short factual articles and extra lengthy stories :p 

Viewing contraception via Islam's eyes..

Sheikh M. S. Al-Munajjid, a prominent Saudi Islamic lecturer and author, adds: 

"The answer to question of contraception is found in the following three points: 

1. Giving birth is the right of both husband and wife, and neither one of them has the right to deprive the other from doing so. 

2. It is prohibited to take any measure, which would permanently prevent pregnancy, or cause infertility. It is permissible, however, to use temporary birth control methods to delay pregnancy, as in the case of delaying pregnancy for the two years of breastfeeding the first child. 

3. It is prohibited to use any birth control method which would harm the body, as the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: 'Do not (impose) harm, nor (inflect) harm.'"

[Quoted, with slight modification, from: Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com)]

For full article, please read here

CALRIFICATION is URGENTLY NEEDED HERE :P

hoho, this is going to be a short entry to clarify things which i have written previously- BTL (ikat saluran peranakan). Undoubtedly, my response to a response from a friend who understood the whole story with a deviatory orientation (hehe, sorry ah-long dude).

Currently doing O&G (Sakit Puan & Perbidanan), we medical students are required to conduct delivery (jadi bidan sambut orang beranak :> ) for 10 births each. Everytime each student succeeded in conducting a delivery, they may ask the nurse to sign his/her logbook as a proof. It is the continuous assesment system. To put it in a simple way, if one is very hardworking in completing the logbook, then they would have higher chance to pass the posting, InsyaAllah :)

So instead of saying "I have conducted 3 deliveries", we students prefer to say, "I already have 3 kids". And instead of saying "I want to stop conducting deliveries because I have finished conducting 10 deliveries", we students prefer to say "I want to do BTL. Nak ikat je, tak nak beranak lagi" huu. But in 5th year, we have to conduct deliveries again, so that explains why we want to do BTL (if there is any chance in unligating the tube and conduct again in 5th year?? that explains why hysterectomy (buang rahim) is soo contraindicated in our case haha) So my previous article on BTL wasn't referring to BTL on myself but rather on my delivery conduction activity huuuuuu

Macamana org bleh ingat I wrote on the real BTL for myself? I do wonder... (it's kinda funny, and I laughed excessively when ah-long dude asked me about it) Huuu. Let me clarify, I am single (engaged of course), I am not married yet, I haven't planned anything on this married-life-discussion-regarding-kids, and yet planning on having BTL?? Huuuuuuuuuuu..............

By the way, 1 more kid and I'll be taking OCP until i meet O&G again in 5th year :p

Bersyukur, bersabar, berIMAN??

I did one of the most humiliating thing today, i cried in the low-risk labour room haha. come to think of it, i definitely feel it was real funny!! i guess i was so tired doing on-call since last night, and then something happened this evening, i just couldn't stop myself from shedding few drops of tears huu.

It was nothing big. I wanted to conduct a delivery, suddenly the patient had delivered before i even had the chance to prepare. I cried because i felt so tired, and yet i didn't manage to conduct the delivery plus the usual lumpy reason- feeling extremely hungry and nobody (especially ummi) was around to paksa makan. I guess the psychiatrical habit of eating only after being told to do so and the refusal to eat when ummi tak paksa despite feeling extremely hungry still lingers around. How very lumpy! And then adela 2 org kakak nurse yg pujuk, huu. For a split second i stained the prophecy of my "Be Happy" regime, but Alhamdulillah i succeeded in putting everything under strict control haha. 

Abandoning my initial plan of staying in the labour room until tomorrow after Ummi's advice in view of my long journey to KL tomorrow insyaAllah, i prepared to go home. When I arrived at my car, it was really annoying to find another car was blocking my way (parked behind Shika and totally blocked my parking space). The owner wrote his phone number on a piece of paper and place it at his car wiper. So I called him, but the answer that I received was "Isteri saya nak bersalin ni. Nanti baru saya datang". I was like (dalam hati je la), "Encik ingat isteri encik bersalin 2 hingga 3 minit ke??? Ya Allah encik, nak bersalin tu berjam2. takkan nak block kereta saya berjam2???" Instead I told him I need to go back urgently. After waiting for quite a long time (which was stressful as well), and after calling him many times and sending him Allah-knows-how-many sms, he arrived and remove his car..

Well this is life. we are being tried and tested in so may manifestations, yet back to basic, everything is for testing the strength of our iman.. Bersyukurkah aku hari ini? Bersabarkah aku hari ini? Berimankah aku hari ini?.......... 

Barangsiapa yang bertakwa kepada Allah, nescaya Allah akan lepaskan ia dari masalah hidup Dan diberikannya rezeki dari sumber yang tidak diduga. Dan barangsiapa yang bertawakkal kepada Allah, nescaya Allah akan mencukupkan keperluannya. Sesungguhnya Allah melaksanakan urusan ( yang dikehendaki ) Nya. Sesungguhnya Allah telah mengadakan ketentuan bagi tiap-tiap sesuatu.

when can i undergo BTL??

I manage to slip into the library computer lab and post something here. anither 16 minutes before our seminar starts. Staying in the hospital since last night, with my on-call this evening until tonight, there's nothing more wonderful than collapsing in the serenity of my stuffy bedroom. But finally I have made up my mind to go home this weekend :)

Last night stay was unyielding other than few mililitres of lactic acid residing in between my muscle fibres

-Ok that was written yesterday-

a new chapter today ---->

i just can't wait to undergo a BTL (bilateral tubal ligation) after i have completed my family of 10 kids huuu. but still a long way to go before i can put an end to the delivery-searching activity (a replacement of branula-searching craziness). next in the list is case presentation craving!

Yesterday was TWIN DAY :) 3 twin deliveries: 2 normal deliveries plus 1 caesarean section. 2 pairs of girl and a pair of boys huu~ sgt sweet & cute!! To have a look-alike twin is very nice isn't it? Then they would have the chance to confuse people!! I think for the past 2 months (since the first time we read the chapter on Multiple Pregnancy (twin) ), one of the hottest topic among us (girls) is about twin, specifically "How can we get a twin?" Once we even tried searching the internet for tips to get a twin huhu (so pathetic. poor us)

i found a website which lists down the tips of getting a twin. so here goes..

1. Have a family history of twin especially on the maternal site (i fail on this one, and extremely jealous of a close friend who has strong family history of twin huu!)
2. Women with many children will have higher chance of having twin (the prospect isn't very bright either for me.. but maybe it's bright for another close friend who aims to have 12 kids!!)
3. Artificial conception (looks like i have to opt for in-vitro fertilization haha!)
4. bla bla
5. bla bla
and finally... we found something that we could at least try:::::---->
19. Eat YAM
12. Drink SOYA BEAN MILK

Yikes. I can just imagine my diet in the future- YAM & SOYA BEAN MILK everyday! Absurd~ Well that was just for fun aong us. seriously getting a twin isn't easy especially in the milk, diapers and soprano department, with possible sleep deprivation for the mum. And last evening when i was waiting for a patient to deliver, a nursing student, the patient and me had a chit chat.

well one of the topic was undoubtedly TWIN. nursing student tu kata "Akak kahwin dengan kembar (her husband has a twin), adik akak sendiri kembar, tp anak tak kembar pun"
I said, "Anak akak baru lima. Akak tuggulah yang kesembilan dan kesepuluh insyaAllah kembar!" Haha we laughed over the subject.

But it's a hard life for her. She is a nurse, currently specializing in midwifery. She has 5 kids at home, the youngest is 1 year old. It was quite late- around 9pm when we were waiting for the [atient to deliver. Kakak tu has been in the labour room since 9am in the morning but not even a single delivery was conducted by her- takde rezqi. She almost cried when she was about to go home, telling me "Akak tinggalkan patient ni dengan adik la ye (me), akak nak kena balik dah ni, sedih tak dpt sambut, tp kesian kata anak2 menuunggu kat rumah..." Seriously it was a touching moment, when i actually SHOULD feel happy to have the patient all for myself.. She is so unlike me who can just grab the car key, drive to the hospital in the middle of the night, stay for almost 48 hours in the hospital and never go back, and when i arrive in the hostel after 2 days in the hopsital, i don't have to worry about anything other than reimbursing my sleep. How very easy life is for me... I don't even have to bother to feed anybody..

But the hard truth hits me, it is going to be worse when we woman become doctors! Rumah yang huru hara ke? never mind i have ample time to think about it :p

....

I have like 14 minutes to complete this. Haha for sure I can write a novel in the 1-hour SPM English Essay Paper, provided that rumblings are allowed. 14 minutes before what? Before I have to make a journey in the most reluctant manner to Hana's room downstair and start again on Ovarian cancer ~sigh~ I've been wasting my time the whole morning doing Allah-knows-what-because-I-myself-am-not-sure, by all means I have to compensate. 

Okay another 11 minutes, trying very hard to archive my life lately into something which i call a 'blog' and which i hope i can pass on to my children or probably i will read them later myself, and surprise myself with my own history (huhuuu). I am still surprised because the 'be-happy' regime still hasn't expired (what???) ALHAMDULILLAH. Though I am quite worried and anxious with the spookiness of our home (huh??)

When I become a surgeon (eh?) one day or an O&G, i really should remember the date 15th May 2009 when I for the first time repaired an episiotomy wound, which marked my first time stitching a real tissue! Huu how soo lame it sounds~ Hehe this is the memoir of a 3rd year medical student after all!

My Labour Room posting starts tomorrow insyaAllah, how I hope I would be able to complete my logbook for the Labour Conduction section. INSYAALLAH. And here I am thinking whether I should go back this coming weekend but in view of my alarming financial status (huuuuuu), I really should try to cut up on transportation expenditure..  perhaps and perhaps..  The hard fact of being a student= mujahid fi sabilillah..

Of carelessness, I only deserve a Pasar Malam's!!!

Today I am kind of depressed a bit~ because I lost my matric card (few days ago) and just about to slowly sip in the bitter truth after extensive search at all possible places i could think of.. It merely means I have to rake out RM50 from my already skinny purse, just to get a new one. And I don't plan to order the official name tag just yet huu (the one that Dr and medical students use). I'm broke~

And as I had anticipated, Ummi was kinda upset with this huu~ she has not yet been desensitized towards this kind of thing though she had experienced similar episodes for uncountable times!! let us see how i kept forgotting where did i put my purse when i was at home, and created a havoc each time i wanted to go out (my driving license!!)

Again for uncountable times, I accidentally left my handphone or handphone chargers or other things at home everytime I come back to the campus after a weekend at home or after a long holiday; which created the habit in Ummi to say out loud the checklist of things which i shouldn't leave behind huu

When I had just started my 1st year in Kuantan, I lost my room key. However I managed to persuade my roommates to leave the door unlocked even during long holidays! Only recently I bought a new key which costed me precious RM50! huu

And (no wonder) Ummi couldn't believe it when i told her i bought a pair of new watches yesterday huu. She asked me where were all the watches that abah had bought earlier?? Oopsss.. that question left me wondering either ~sigh~ Let me go through the history- my first Swatch which was so sweet, (with a train continuously moving around the clock face, and blue straps). Abah bought it in Switzerland. It just disappeared.... Next was the silver Dalvina which he bought in Singapore.. It too just disappeared.... Next was dark blue Dunlop which he bought in Mecca-  one could also guess its fate.... Then he bought me another Swatch- this time it is pink. I love it soo much that I couldn't bear the idea of losing it which made me feel reluctant to wear it... and Yup!!! I have never worn it until now. Still in its case, stowed in an antique brown bag, put on top of my cupboard and the bag was left to collect dust! Haha. It has been so long that the battery has expired! Once in a while I check on the watch, appreciating while wearing that forlorn look for not able to wear it -haissyyy- In between I had numerous Pasar Malam watches.. but not much different than the others, they just disappeared. I think watches and me lack the chemistry to stay together!

Last week when I had to count a patient's pulse in front of Dr Suhaiza during our class, in the few extremely embarassing moments when I had to beg for my group mate's sympathy to time while I counted the pulse (and I ended up counting wrongly), I was very determined to buy a watch. Plus Dr Suhaiza's emphasis that a doctor should have a watch with jarum saat!! 

And after discussing for many days with a friend (who has the same habit of losing watches haha) that we should buy a new watch.. I ended paying a generous amount for a pair of watches! Only to get a nice piece of 'advice' from Ummi haha. 

I really deserve a Pasar Malam watch!!!!!!!!!! That explains why I like cheap things, as I won't experience the guilt of losing them :p

being a bit secretive :p

Weekend is nearing and I guess my quest to have a nice weekend at home isn't a feasible one. And I fail in wiping off the memory of an important thing which i have to attend to this weekend. The fact that our mandarin class tonight is on doesn't help a bit in nurturing my laziness -sigh- maybe i should learn few negative mandarin words to help me to whine, then I won't hesitate to practise using them here in this blog huu.

I am about to wave gynaecology ward goodbye, when I have just started to feel at home in the ward. And grabbing others' patients (haha, WITH PERMISSION) to be my clerking victims huu. How I hope I would have more chances to present cases, and run a demolishment project of all fumblings and mumblings during the show. (CPs, exams, short cases are all about showing and acting~ at least that is what the doctors keep saying!) 

I have a weak & soft side for those who feel unmotivated, because I very frequently experience the same thing. You know , probably (and I am trying very hard to put the blame) it is the oestrogenic character as opposed to the testosteronic influence. A surge or an urge to hold out your hand and reach~ reach for what?? heh heh I don't know. If you can make even a small contribution by reaching out, which in turn will put some sense in someone's brain, and make a whole big difference in the person's life, then I guess the effort is worthy of something called 'humanity'. 

And now I am wonderingly asking myself why am I jotting down all these? Probably I feel so grateful because when I am being all unreasonable and emotional, I have so many people around me who are always ready and available to knock some sense into my anomalic perception. But sometimes I see people who are in real need of some sense and motivation, but I know I am not the best person to do so, and it leaves me feeling so helpless and useless -sigh- waiting for a superman to save the day. 

It's really frustrating, but life's like that. Selfish, mean and all. I don't know, probably the best that I can do is to pray to Allah so that He will take care of everything. Do'a and tawakkal without trying? That is soooo WRONG! hmmmm

May I become stronger

I had my case presentation today, a mind boggling case with unsure diagnosis, and the patient told me things different from what she told the Dr, which made me feel very upset with her, but all in all I think I deserve a weekend at home (despite the most terrible CP on earth haha), yet I don't have the energy to travel back huu..

Anyway, i think i'd be safer in Kuantan (huhuu) for the time being with all the on-going extraordinaires back home (hmmmmmm) although i am screaming from the inner side to indulge into the chocoalate-making-experiments..

And I would like to dedicate this song to whoever deserves it :) May I become stronger with each day, and may you too!

Langkah Tercipta
Album : Langkah Tercipta
Munsyid : Unic

Semalam aku kelukaan,
Kecewa kehampaan,
Mencalar ketabahan,
Impian seringku harapkan menjadi kenyataan
Namun tak kesampaian,

Allah…
Inginku hentikan langkah ini
Bagaikan tak mampu untuk ku bertahan
Semangat tenggelam lemah daya,
Haruskah aku mengelamun jiwa
Ku berbisik inilah dugaan

Dan langkahku kini terbuka
Pada hikmah dugaan uji keimanan
Dan dilontarkannya ujian diluar kekuatan setiap diri insan

Allah…
Pimpini diriku,
Untuk bangkit semula meneruskan langkah perjuangan ini
Cekalkan hati dan semangatku
Kurniakan ketabahan........
Agar mimpi jadi nyata..
padaMu ku meminta

Dan ku mohon agung kudratMu
Wahai Tuhan Yang Satu
Segalanya dariMu 

Allow me to put a fullstop for a while

I guess this would be my last post for the time being.. uhuh I've been surfing the net and blogging for 1 whole day! (and yet I have - let's see approximately 1 full container of stories to write) in between glances at Novak's Gynae Textbook on things (probably) related to pelvic mass or pain or abnormal bleeding (huu I truly should hold up high the white flag this time around) because insyaAllah my coming week officially starts in a few minutes huhuuuu~ doing extra on-call tonight, and my official on-call tomorrow morning till 4.30pm- the vampire will be off the leash again (I have no problem being a vampire if I could be as graceful as Alice Cullen haha). If my performance is good this week, then maybe I won't hesitate to treat myself to a weekend at home! (while trying to wipe off the vague memory that I've been booked for a programme huu~)

Ok, that's it for now. Whoever is reading this, don't forget to pray the best for me~ 

Pain is still in the air..

in loving memory...

our family member has just passed away and buried in kampong subang area.
it was tot the cat...cod. hit and run accident victim...
and..that is the end of our beloved tot..
in time, tears would dry up..

but nothing could ever replace him..
so long tot

I thought all my tears for Tot had dried out, but the pain of losing him remains.. and I am crying for him again..

Happy Ummi's Day!!

I have just finished having lunch with abah and ummi, they came to Kuantan just for car exchange (huu remember my article on Shika Jr that smelled 'smelly'...) so Shika Jr is back with me :) Huu kesiannya they have to come such a long way Kl-Kuantan, and after the lunch I arrived in UIA far much sooner than for them to arrive home (sedih sedih) Huu if I were to think of the tiring on-calls and studying, and classes and.... they are nothing compared to what our parents' had done for us.. kan? kan? huuuu. And since tomotrrow is Mother's Day (but to me everyday is Mother's Day! Why? Because I know everyday Ummi loves me and that makes everyday special hehe), I would like to post this... which I copied from Bayt Amzar's blog with permission ---->

Orang kata aku lahir dari perut mak.. 

(bukan org kata...memang betul) 

Bila dahaga, yang susukan aku.... mak 
Bila lapar, yang suapkan aku.... mak 
Bila keseorangan, yang sentiasa di sampingku.. .. mak 


Kata mak, perkataan pertama yang aku sebut.... Mak 
Bila bangun tidur, aku cari.... mak 
Bila nangis, orang pertama yang datang .... mak 
Bila nak bermanja, aku dekati.... mak 
Bila nak bergesel, aku duduk sebelah.... mak 


Bila sedih, yang boleh memujukku hanya.... mak 
Bila nakal, yang memarahi aku.... mak 
Bila merajuk, yang memujukku cuma.... mak 
Bila melakukan kesalahan, yang paling cepat marah.... mak 


Bila takut, yang tenangkan aku..... mak 
Bila nak peluk, yang aku suka peluk.... mak 
Aku selalu teringatkan .... mak 
Bila sedih, aku mesti talipon.... mak 
Bila seronok, orang pertama aku nak beritahu..... mak 
Bila bengang.. aku suka luah pada.. mak 


Bila takut, aku selalu panggil... "mmaaakkkk! " 
Bila sakit, orang paling risau adalah.... mak 
Bila nak exam, orang paling sibuk juga.... mak 
Bila buat hal, yang marah aku dulu.... mak 
Bila ada masalah, yang paling risau.... mak 
Yang masih peluk dan cium aku sampai hari ni.. mak 


Yang selalu masak makanan kegemaranku.... mak 
kalau balik ke kampung, yang selalu bekalkan ulam & lauk pauk..... mak 
Yang selalu simpan dan kemaskan barang-barang aku.... mak 


Yang selalu berleter kat aku... mak 
Yang selalu puji aku.... mak 
Yang selalu nasihat aku.... mak 
Bila nak kahwin..Orang pertama aku tunjuk dan rujuk..... mak 


Aku ada pasangan hidup sendiri.... 


Bila seronok, aku cari....pasanganku 
Bila sedih, aku cari.... mak 

Bila berjaya, aku ceritakan pada....pasanganku 
Bila gagal, aku ceritakan pada.... mak 


Bila bahagia, aku peluk erat....pasanganku 
Bila berduka, aku peluk erat.... emakku 



Bila nak bercuti, aku bawa....pasanganku 
Bila sibuk, aku hantar anak ke rumah.... mak 


Selalu.. aku ingat pasanganku 
Selalu.. mak ingat kat aku

Bila-bila... aku akan talipon pasanganku
Entah bila... aku nak talipon mak 

Selalu...aku belikan hadiah untuk pasanganku 
Entah bila... aku nak belikan hadiah untuk emak 

Renungkan: 
"Kalau kau sudah habis belajar dan berkerja... bolehkah kau kirim wang untuk mak?
mak bukan nak banyak... lima puluh ringgit sebulan pun cukuplah". 
Berderai air mata jika kita mendengarnya........ 

Tapi kalau mak sudah tiada..... ..... 
MAKKKKK...RINDU MAK.... RINDU SANGAT.... 


Berapa ramai yang sanggup menyuapkan ibunya..... 
berapa ramai yang sanggup mencuci muntah ibunya..... 
berapa ramai yang sanggup mengantikan lampin ibunya..... 
berapa ramai yang sanggup membersihkan najis ibunya....... 
berapa ramai yang sanggup membuang ulat dan membersihkan luka kudis ibunya.... 
berapa ramai yang sanggup berhenti kerja untuk menjaga ibunya..... 


dan akhir sekali berapa ramai yang sembahyang JENAZAH ibunya...... 
Seorang anak mendapatkan ibunya yang sedang sibuk menyediakan makan malam di dapur lalu menghulurkan sekeping kertas yang bertulis sesuatu. Si ibu segera mengesatkan tangan di apron menyambut kertas yang dihulurkan oleh si anak lalu membacanya.Kos upah membantu ibu:


1) Tolong pergi kedai : RM4.00
2) Tolong jaga adik : RM4..00
3) Tolong buang sampah : RM1.00
4) Tolong kemas bilik : RM2.00
5) Tolong siram bunga : RM3.00
6) Tolong sapu sampah : RM3.00
Jumlah : RM17.00 
Selesai membaca, si ibu tersenyum memandang si anak sambil sesuatu berlegar-legar si mindanya. Si ibu mencapai sebatang pen dan menulis sesuatu di belakang kertas yang sama.


1) Kos mengandungkanmu selama 9 bulan - PERCUMA
2) Kos berjaga malam kerana menjagamu - PERCUMA
3) Kos air mata yang menitis keranamu - PERCUMA
4) Kos kerunsingan kerana bimbangkanmu - PERCUMA
5) Kos menyediakan makan minum, pakaian, dan keperluanmu -PERCUMA
Jumlah Keseluruhan Nilai Kasihku - PERCUMA

Air mata si anak berlinang setelah membaca apa yang dituliskan oleh siibu. Si anak menatap wajah ibu,memeluknya dan berkata, 

"Saya Sayangkan Ibu". Kemudian si anak mengambil pen dan menulis "Telah Dibayar" pada mukasurat yang sama ditulisnya.

To me? The first part is TOTALLY right. The persons that I LOVE MOST in this world are UMMI and ABAH. I doubt that the fact will change even after my marriage.. But of course I will equally love my future husband.. in a different way :) I think my heart was created in portions! ~Gasp~ The portion for my parents will eternally be for them. But then there are other portions, for my family, my spouse, my friends, my muslim relatives, for Tot (huu) and guess what is the biggest portion for??? Hehe for Allah & His Messenger insyaAllah :D

Bila baca second part regarding pasangan, I become so afraid of the future.. Ya Allah jangan kau jadikan aku anak yang durhaka... Ameen

Me in 60 years time

I don't know what is wrong with me because I keep bringing home weird stories huu. I am sure everybody (medical students) in their daily hospital life come across experiences which are more or less the same or very much similar to mine~ except that maybe I am more sensitive to the surrounding, and pay more attention to unimportant details which paint the canvas of my life with wonderful and uncountable hues :) And 1 more thing, I have imagination that runs wild, when I can even encourage myself to go the sleek IIUM library because I imagine myself alone in Hogwarts' old and mysterious library, and I loved attending classes in Matric (except for SAMWP) simply because I loved the steps near to UKC and the Stad building~ it reminded me of the steps in Gryffindor tower. And I loved classes in AX (annexe) because the word itself is so mysterious, it reminded me of a story- Diary of Anna something during world war or something like that.

Durham Cathedral cloisters used to film the Harry Potter movies (Hogwart). The Cathdral dates back to 1096 and St Cuthbert's tomb within the Cathedral was a place of pilgrimage in the Middle Ages. This is IIUM in my world

So back to reality, I actually want to write on today's story hehe.

My branula-searching activity is still very rampant these days (haha) So last nite after getting  long "advices" from the chinese houseman Dr (sorry I don't know his name huu) which goes around:

"You start with the vein at the dorsum of the hand k. Don't start higher. If the vein at the dorsum has bumped (leaking and can't b used anymore) you can still use the higher vein. But if you start higher, then once it is bumped, all the lower veins can't be used"

Me: okay

"You don't be tamak k, just use the pink branula" (Tamak means you want to use a big branula so that  it would be easier for fluid or drug admin. Pink is the smallest branula as far as I know)

Me: Okay, I always use pink (Smiling. For the sole reason that I am not competent and skillful enough to use other than pink branula haha)

"You don't forget to flush the hep saline k"

Me: okay

"You don't be kedekut with the blood k. When you take blood, ambil banyak so that you don't have to puncture the patient banyak kali"

Me: "Eh Dr, I just want to insert the branula. I don't want to take any blood" (berkata sambil dalam hati ada kemalasan yang melampau untuk mengambil darah)

"So you just want to top-up the trolley??" (he asked in surprise because I was holding a bunch of syringes which I had grabbed from the procedure room earlier)

Me: This is for flushing the hep saline (sengih and straightaway ran away to save myself from being bullied that night hehe)

Pushing my much-prized NOISY and EMBARASSING blood-taking trolley, I went to the first bed. I met an ex-ophthalmologist of HTAA :)  in the ward as a patient of course. I didn't know the fact earlier and I just wanted to insert a branula into her vein, but the first thing that made me feel surprised was when she asked me to use the butterfly branula (which is usually used on patients with collapsed veins such as in renal failure) because she told me her veins had calcified (hardened and narrow with calcium deposit). Of course I said I would try using the pink first (because I don't know how to use the butterfly branula) She's an Indian and spoke to me in English and she talked on few other things which made me wonder her previous job. That was when I asked her. Almost reaching the ripe age of 80, she was very frail, and weak, and couldn't even sit up on her own. It seems like everything has kind of reached the expiry date, save 1- the brain. She was very wise, and she still remember the name of drugs!

A nurse handed her a tablet drug, and she told me, "I think this is Adalat. We called it Adalat, but I think they have a new name for it now" I replied, "It is still called Adalat" :) Then we talked on medical schools, and many other issues, all the while me visioning myself in 60 years time- I'm not going to be much different from her :)

But hopefully I would be much closer to God by that time, insyaAllah. A non Muslim always hope with time and with increasing age, so would their wisdom develop. But for the muslim, there shoud be few extra things!- With increasing age,  hopefully our amal, iman and taqwa would also increase! INSYALLAH