I wanted to go home very badly, before I go to temerloh for my paediatric posting
Tp i really don't have time
Initially I thought our class ends at 10am on friday
So I went to terminal bas makmur and bought plusliner ticket to kl at 11am. I had to pay RM17. Habis duit..
Then I was informed that we have class at 11. I decided to skip the class.
I wanted Abah to send me to temerloh on sunday, but most unortunately he is scheduled to fly
Ummi told me to buy ticket from shah alam to kuantan on sunday morning. And when I arrive in Kuantan, I have to go to temerloh tumpang kereta kawan- another 2 hours lg perjalanan.. penatnya
I bought it and I paid RM20. Keluar duit lagi..
Suddenly there was an announcement in the class..We have surgery posting at 3pm on friday!
Most probably it would end at 5pm...
Ticket bas semua dah habis..
I had almost given up the idea of going back..which made me cry again. Sedihnyaa
I went to terminal bas makmur again to sell my ticket. I got half of the original price.. huu dahlah ticket mahal, dpt pulak duit burn camtu.. sedih jugak. tp inilah challenges that i have to face..konon2 tabah la tu nak jd medic student. if dah kerja lg la tak tahu mcmne.. agaknye dpt jumpa husband and anak2 seminggu sekali kot -sigh-
Suddenly abah call, suh balik jugak coz i have to sign few legal documents..
terpaksa cari flight ticket and buli kakak to fetch me at the airport..
or i have to buy bus ticket kul 1 pagi..
and i prefer the latter because it is cheaper
but a friend scared me by saying ada perompak etc
And abah will insyaAllah send me to temerloh on sunday as his flight will insyaAllah arrives at 4pm!
ALHAMDULILLAH hooray
Thursday
Wednesday
so what?
It's 11:23. I have just met my adik2 halaqah and you can imagine them telling me about their stress which has grown as big as anything pheww. 1st year medic students.. anatomy byk giler. biochem macam ntahape2 etc. they were so unlike me when i was in 1st year. kenape eh? because i cared about going home more than anything. i think up to a point i didn't even bother about my academic huu. i was just very different from them.. homesickness, such big deal huhuu
to lay my eyes on those eager faces..did it give me a sense of caring and guiding? to guide them with love.. to show them a path that is less taken.. to give them everything i am capable of giving. i don't know..
they are my mad'u and i am trusted with them. can I really do this? i can't even solve my own probs. so what? i should just give my best shot and leave the rest to Allah!............
to lay my eyes on those eager faces..did it give me a sense of caring and guiding? to guide them with love.. to show them a path that is less taken.. to give them everything i am capable of giving. i don't know..
they are my mad'u and i am trusted with them. can I really do this? i can't even solve my own probs. so what? i should just give my best shot and leave the rest to Allah!............
I just don't know..I just don't know..
Ikhlas. IkHLaS. IKHLAS. How sincere and how true can our intention be? How pure our heart can be? Sejauh mana keikhlasan yang mampu kita kecapi??
When I think of this, i feel afraid. Really afraid. I can't imagine what if on my meeting day with HIM (ALLAH), I bring along the amal that I have done in this world, only to have the amal thrown back at me in a disgusted manner.. because everything was not done with sincerity. Na'udzubillahi min dzaalik..!! Subhanallah wa astaghfirullah really I don't know,
do I do thing without the beautiful and wondeful value of ikhlas??....
Riya'. Show off. Do I do things with riya'?? I just don't know.. Do I do thing with the intention of showing off to people? Na'udzubillahi min dzaalik..!!!! I just don't know.. I just don't know and I feel afraid. Really afraid.. I just don't know.........
When I think of this, i feel afraid. Really afraid. I can't imagine what if on my meeting day with HIM (ALLAH), I bring along the amal that I have done in this world, only to have the amal thrown back at me in a disgusted manner.. because everything was not done with sincerity. Na'udzubillahi min dzaalik..!! Subhanallah wa astaghfirullah really I don't know,
do I do thing without the beautiful and wondeful value of ikhlas??....
Riya'. Show off. Do I do things with riya'?? I just don't know.. Do I do thing with the intention of showing off to people? Na'udzubillahi min dzaalik..!!!! I just don't know.. I just don't know and I feel afraid. Really afraid.. I just don't know.........
Mujahadatunnafs
Today I feel extremely lazy to attend class.. but I HAVE to attend
Today I really want to go home.. but I CAN"T because I have leadership programme this weekend
Today I feel like doing nothing.. what a WASTE
Now is 7:29a.m and yet I don't feel like moving... oh COME ON
Right now I want Ummi.. do GROW UP!!
What a helpless sissy..
Today I really want to go home.. but I CAN"T because I have leadership programme this weekend
Today I feel like doing nothing.. what a WASTE
Now is 7:29a.m and yet I don't feel like moving... oh COME ON
Right now I want Ummi.. do GROW UP!!
What a helpless sissy..
Tuesday
Saat kau dan aku dipertemukan di persimpangan itu...
Di fikiran masih terbayang senyuman manis di wajahmu, dalam dada masih terasa saat indah sebentar tadi bersamamu, tika berseorangan aku tetap merindu dan menantikan lagi pertemuan, dan doa yang ku panjatkan mengungkapkan harapan agar cinta ini bertakhta selamanya dalam diri..
Memang bila bertemu tidak pernah jemu, bila berpisah aku semakin merindu..
Usrah singkat siang tadi begitu terkesan di hati. Kelelahan mencari ilmu seakan deras dibawa pergi saat menatap wajah wajah tenang akhawat.. Adik beradikku yang sekian lama menapak bersamaku,
mengharungi ketajaman bilahan ujian yang menghiris iman, dan berada disisiku ketika perasaan gusar dan sedih menguasai emosi meruntun rasa, mahupun dalam waktu aku memerlukan teman untuk berkongsi suka dan tawa, inilah sahabat sahabat yang tidak pernah menyesali kekurangan diri ini, atau mencemburui kelebihan yang dianugerahkan.
Teringat aku pertama kali kita dipertemukan. Di jalan itu.. Jalan Dakwah. Ketika kita masih terlalu asing dan bimbang dengan dunia ini, ketika kita masih kekok untuk saling berbicara, ketika tembok malu masih utuh memagari diri, ketika fitrah penuntut ilmu yang bermusafir, meninggalkan keluarga masih menghantui, ketika kesibukan dunia melemaskan dan ketika keindahan kehidupan remaja yang fatamorgana terus melalaikan....
Ketika aku pertama kali dicaturkan untuk bertemu dengan mu di persimpangan itu..
Masakan dengan cinta yang berlimpahan dari mu, aku masih mampu untuk melarikan diriku. Masakan dengan keramahan yang kau pamerkan, aku masih keras menjauhimu. Masakan dengan kesabaran yang engkau promosikan, aku masih takut untuk mendekatimu..
Dan dalam sela waktu yang bukan sebentar, aku belajar untuk mengasihimu. Menghargai dirimu. Mempercayaimu.
Dan perasankah wahai sahabat bahawa
benih yang dulu kita semai bersama, kita bajai dan kita sirami bersulamkan isitqamah.. kini telahpun tumbuh menjadi pohonan yang buah
manisnya mampu aku kecapi. Kita semakin sibuk dengan taklifan sendiri, namun hakikatnya kita masih berjalan seiringan, masih memimpin tangan dan aku tak mungkin lupakan saat kita dipertemukan di persimpangan itu...
Hatiku menyimpan harapan agar usrah yang kita bina semenjak dulu, akan kita kekalkan sehinggalah kau dan aku akan berangkat dari persinggahan sementara ini. Sungguh aku memerlukan
kekuatanmu untuk aku tega di jalan juang ini. Syukran ya akhawati... :)
Dedikasi khas untuk Mummy Sab, K.Yaya, a.a, K. Thiqah, Ayu, Husna, Matun, Che Na, Humm, Fizah. Uhibbukunna fillah!!!
Memang bila bertemu tidak pernah jemu, bila berpisah aku semakin merindu..
Usrah singkat siang tadi begitu terkesan di hati. Kelelahan mencari ilmu seakan deras dibawa pergi saat menatap wajah wajah tenang akhawat.. Adik beradikku yang sekian lama menapak bersamaku,
mengharungi ketajaman bilahan ujian yang menghiris iman, dan berada disisiku ketika perasaan gusar dan sedih menguasai emosi meruntun rasa, mahupun dalam waktu aku memerlukan teman untuk berkongsi suka dan tawa, inilah sahabat sahabat yang tidak pernah menyesali kekurangan diri ini, atau mencemburui kelebihan yang dianugerahkan.
Teringat aku pertama kali kita dipertemukan. Di jalan itu.. Jalan Dakwah. Ketika kita masih terlalu asing dan bimbang dengan dunia ini, ketika kita masih kekok untuk saling berbicara, ketika tembok malu masih utuh memagari diri, ketika fitrah penuntut ilmu yang bermusafir, meninggalkan keluarga masih menghantui, ketika kesibukan dunia melemaskan dan ketika keindahan kehidupan remaja yang fatamorgana terus melalaikan....
Ketika aku pertama kali dicaturkan untuk bertemu dengan mu di persimpangan itu..
Masakan dengan cinta yang berlimpahan dari mu, aku masih mampu untuk melarikan diriku. Masakan dengan keramahan yang kau pamerkan, aku masih keras menjauhimu. Masakan dengan kesabaran yang engkau promosikan, aku masih takut untuk mendekatimu..
Dan dalam sela waktu yang bukan sebentar, aku belajar untuk mengasihimu. Menghargai dirimu. Mempercayaimu.
Dan perasankah wahai sahabat bahawa
benih yang dulu kita semai bersama, kita bajai dan kita sirami bersulamkan isitqamah.. kini telahpun tumbuh menjadi pohonan yang buah
manisnya mampu aku kecapi. Kita semakin sibuk dengan taklifan sendiri, namun hakikatnya kita masih berjalan seiringan, masih memimpin tangan dan aku tak mungkin lupakan saat kita dipertemukan di persimpangan itu...
Hatiku menyimpan harapan agar usrah yang kita bina semenjak dulu, akan kita kekalkan sehinggalah kau dan aku akan berangkat dari persinggahan sementara ini. Sungguh aku memerlukan
kekuatanmu untuk aku tega di jalan juang ini. Syukran ya akhawati... :)
Dedikasi khas untuk Mummy Sab, K.Yaya, a.a, K. Thiqah, Ayu, Husna, Matun, Che Na, Humm, Fizah. Uhibbukunna fillah!!!
Sunday
Today is 27th July 2008!!!!
Today is 27th July 2008! What is so important about it? Nothing, but today my blog turns 1 month haha =)
Let me share something
At last, after a hard work of scrubbing my white coats, i feel tempted to jot something here.
I wrote down my name on the white coats using a permanent red marker,
and yet the ink smeared other parts of the coats when i washed them. Obviously I don't want
to be recognized as doctor in pinkish white coat, so i had to scrub it off.. What a thing to do after years of retirement from washing clothes!!
This morning i attended a short course on communication skill for da'ie (preachers). The talk was gien by Pn Ainon, a millionaire in Malaysia. She is a millionaire and yet she is very humble. A friend who had been to her house told me that.. her house is empty except for few necessary and basic things such as washing machine etc. Pn Ainon told me she never close the door of her house, let alone to lock it anytime, whether she is home or not. Anybody can go in and out of the house anytime!!!
Well she lives in janda baik, near an orang asli village. And she carries out numerous projects for orang asli..that is her contribution. She gave us tips on communication skills which I am going to share (of course it is not the same as getting them first hand)
Kejelitaan ada 2- fizikal & sosial. Develop your kejelitaan sosial! How?? These are the ways:
1. Keturunan yg baik
2. Akhlak yang mulia
3. Bina kejayaan
4. Pelajaran tinggi
5. Berkawan dgn orang2 yang baik
6. Banyakkan faktor yang serupa dengan mad'u. e.g if mad'u berpakaian buruk because of their living status, don't come to them wearing shirts and ties!
How to make people listen to us?
1. Ringan tulang
2. Ringan mulut memuji peribadi dan karakter orang lain
3. Mudah bersetuju dgn pendapat orang lain
4. Pause- jangan terusan tegur orang bila mereka buat salah sebaliknya cari masa dan waktu yg seusai. Mungkin masa itu tiba 5 tahun akan dtg, 10 thn akan dtg etc..
5. Ultraism- tolong orang lain dengan menyusahkan diri sendiri e.g Rasulullah berdakwah dalam keadaan dia sendiri berasa susah
6. Tolong diri sendiri dulu. Manusia cenderung utk tolong orang yg menolong diri sendiri. e.g a teacher loves to help a student yang rajin, dan malas untuk ambil kisah student yang malas
7. Menentang fitrah- Org yg menentang fitrah dianggap mulia. E.g fitrah manusia suka harta kekayaan. Sesiapa yg kuat untuk menolak harta adalah orang yang mulia. Atau manusia suka akan kebersihan dan benci dengan kekotoran. Seorang nurse yang sanggup bergelumang dengan benda2 kotor ketika menguruskan pesakit dianggap mulia
8. Buat dulu sesuatu sendiri, dan bilaman usaha itu kelihatan ada harapan untuk berjaya, barulah minta tolong orang lain
9. Cari prompter. e.g jika nak kutip derma, gunakan tabung derma yang lutsinar dan letakkan dulu duit sendiri dalam tu dlm jumlah agak banyak. orang akan lebih cenderung untuk menderma kerana ada prompter (duit yg diletakkan dahulu), berbanding menderma dlm tabung yang masih kosong
10. Jangan banyak complain
dan banyak lagi....
I wrote down my name on the white coats using a permanent red marker,
and yet the ink smeared other parts of the coats when i washed them. Obviously I don't want
to be recognized as doctor in pinkish white coat, so i had to scrub it off.. What a thing to do after years of retirement from washing clothes!!
This morning i attended a short course on communication skill for da'ie (preachers). The talk was gien by Pn Ainon, a millionaire in Malaysia. She is a millionaire and yet she is very humble. A friend who had been to her house told me that.. her house is empty except for few necessary and basic things such as washing machine etc. Pn Ainon told me she never close the door of her house, let alone to lock it anytime, whether she is home or not. Anybody can go in and out of the house anytime!!!
Well she lives in janda baik, near an orang asli village. And she carries out numerous projects for orang asli..that is her contribution. She gave us tips on communication skills which I am going to share (of course it is not the same as getting them first hand)
Kejelitaan ada 2- fizikal & sosial. Develop your kejelitaan sosial! How?? These are the ways:
1. Keturunan yg baik
2. Akhlak yang mulia
3. Bina kejayaan
4. Pelajaran tinggi
5. Berkawan dgn orang2 yang baik
6. Banyakkan faktor yang serupa dengan mad'u. e.g if mad'u berpakaian buruk because of their living status, don't come to them wearing shirts and ties!
How to make people listen to us?
1. Ringan tulang
2. Ringan mulut memuji peribadi dan karakter orang lain
3. Mudah bersetuju dgn pendapat orang lain
4. Pause- jangan terusan tegur orang bila mereka buat salah sebaliknya cari masa dan waktu yg seusai. Mungkin masa itu tiba 5 tahun akan dtg, 10 thn akan dtg etc..
5. Ultraism- tolong orang lain dengan menyusahkan diri sendiri e.g Rasulullah berdakwah dalam keadaan dia sendiri berasa susah
6. Tolong diri sendiri dulu. Manusia cenderung utk tolong orang yg menolong diri sendiri. e.g a teacher loves to help a student yang rajin, dan malas untuk ambil kisah student yang malas
7. Menentang fitrah- Org yg menentang fitrah dianggap mulia. E.g fitrah manusia suka harta kekayaan. Sesiapa yg kuat untuk menolak harta adalah orang yang mulia. Atau manusia suka akan kebersihan dan benci dengan kekotoran. Seorang nurse yang sanggup bergelumang dengan benda2 kotor ketika menguruskan pesakit dianggap mulia
8. Buat dulu sesuatu sendiri, dan bilaman usaha itu kelihatan ada harapan untuk berjaya, barulah minta tolong orang lain
9. Cari prompter. e.g jika nak kutip derma, gunakan tabung derma yang lutsinar dan letakkan dulu duit sendiri dalam tu dlm jumlah agak banyak. orang akan lebih cenderung untuk menderma kerana ada prompter (duit yg diletakkan dahulu), berbanding menderma dlm tabung yang masih kosong
10. Jangan banyak complain
dan banyak lagi....
Perasaan macam sponge bob yang diperah
Day by day, i do feel like sponge bob whenever he is squeezed and drained of water.. day by day, i am running out of energy! I can't deny that I still haven't adapted to the clinical days. In addition to that, I get easily infected with whatever infectious diseases in the hospital especially respiratory infection. Obviously my immune
system is still not in the combat mood.. It becomes harder to attend usrah or katibah or even beneficial programmes on weekend. Lethargy, malaise and sleepiness have all become a part of me huu.
Everytime I come back from the hospital I only think of sleep, sleep and sleep. To open the lids of my eyes have become a very challenging task.
And yet I realize that I can't continue to behave this way. This is just the beginning; by hook or by crook I have to be strong. Ya Allah grant me strength and strong will..
system is still not in the combat mood.. It becomes harder to attend usrah or katibah or even beneficial programmes on weekend. Lethargy, malaise and sleepiness have all become a part of me huu.
Everytime I come back from the hospital I only think of sleep, sleep and sleep. To open the lids of my eyes have become a very challenging task.
And yet I realize that I can't continue to behave this way. This is just the beginning; by hook or by crook I have to be strong. Ya Allah grant me strength and strong will..
Thursday
Self-afflicted
I decided to call it a day, after lingering around Emergency Dept, yearning to learn how to do venepuncture (take blood) and insert the branula. Today I have clerked a 9 year old patient with Beta Thalassaemia, a 2 year old girl with Bronchial Asthma, an old lady with pleural effusion. I have closely observed a procedure called pleural tapping and witnessed 2 venepuncture procedure which were unsuccessful huhuu darah tak keluar pun..
For the first time, I joint in ward round. There was a patient with COPD. In other words, he smoked too much and developed some kind of illness in his lung, which makes it really hard for him to breath. When I looked at this pakcik, i myself felt like I couldn't breath.. the psychological effect that was borne by just looking at him. He was using the oxygen mask, and yet he still breathed using his mouth. He nearly collapsed because he was too tired, and yet he didn't dare to lie on the bed or lean against the pillows, for fear he couldn't breath. I met him at 11 o'clock in the morning and when I came back later, at nearly 2pm,
he was still in the same position.. The sound of the oxygen, and the sound of his breathing which could be heard from afar.. I just don't know how to potray my feeling.. He did that to himself..
I encountered a patient. Obviously he was not alertor oriented but he was conscious or rather in a delirious state. A young man, his mother was taking care of him, patiently waited by his side. He tried to say something to us, but I couldn't understand.. and a colleague warned me against going near him. as he had HIV infection and meningitis- an inflammation of the brain covering. I told my colleague that the young man tried to say something, and he sinisterlyand insultingly said that this man wanted my phone number. He was a drug addict.. and he did that to himself..
There are so many patients in the hospital whereby they have self-afflicted disease. I really pity them and yet sometimes I feel angry. Really a doctor should not be emoional.. Ahh a preacher is not a judge.. they call with love and they
For the first time, I joint in ward round. There was a patient with COPD. In other words, he smoked too much and developed some kind of illness in his lung, which makes it really hard for him to breath. When I looked at this pakcik, i myself felt like I couldn't breath.. the psychological effect that was borne by just looking at him. He was using the oxygen mask, and yet he still breathed using his mouth. He nearly collapsed because he was too tired, and yet he didn't dare to lie on the bed or lean against the pillows, for fear he couldn't breath. I met him at 11 o'clock in the morning and when I came back later, at nearly 2pm,
he was still in the same position.. The sound of the oxygen, and the sound of his breathing which could be heard from afar.. I just don't know how to potray my feeling.. He did that to himself..
I encountered a patient. Obviously he was not alertor oriented but he was conscious or rather in a delirious state. A young man, his mother was taking care of him, patiently waited by his side. He tried to say something to us, but I couldn't understand.. and a colleague warned me against going near him. as he had HIV infection and meningitis- an inflammation of the brain covering. I told my colleague that the young man tried to say something, and he sinisterlyand insultingly said that this man wanted my phone number. He was a drug addict.. and he did that to himself..
There are so many patients in the hospital whereby they have self-afflicted disease. I really pity them and yet sometimes I feel angry. Really a doctor should not be emoional.. Ahh a preacher is not a judge.. they call with love and they
Wednesday
5 things that I learnt yesterday
1. An orang asli can have a pain threshold that is soo high, that even an orang asli patient having end stage liver disease/ failure doesn't complain of any pain! An orang asli woman bled for 3 times during her pregnancy and she stil assumed that was not serious!
2. Doctors should never trust other docters' or nurses' diagnoses. I blindly believed a diagnosis which had been told to me by a nurse, and turned out I got the wrong diagnosis, and I was laughed at by my lecturer. It was so embarassing- ditipu hidup-hidup!!
3. Read books! I clerked a case of pneumonia, and I didn't thoroughly read on that topic before the case presentation session and... you know what. I felt blank and blur huu..
4. Get a History of Presenting Illness (description of illness by the patient) which is sooo good so that I won't have to depend on other history or lab result in order
to diagnose a disease! I failed this part yesterday ='(
5. One of the most important thing as a medical student is to PROGRESS. How much I know today
is not very important. But how much I progress throughout medical school matters most!
Be a kind human. Be a humble person. Be a good muslim/ah. Those define 'Doctor'!!
2. Doctors should never trust other docters' or nurses' diagnoses. I blindly believed a diagnosis which had been told to me by a nurse, and turned out I got the wrong diagnosis, and I was laughed at by my lecturer. It was so embarassing- ditipu hidup-hidup!!
3. Read books! I clerked a case of pneumonia, and I didn't thoroughly read on that topic before the case presentation session and... you know what. I felt blank and blur huu..
4. Get a History of Presenting Illness (description of illness by the patient) which is sooo good so that I won't have to depend on other history or lab result in order
to diagnose a disease! I failed this part yesterday ='(
5. One of the most important thing as a medical student is to PROGRESS. How much I know today
is not very important. But how much I progress throughout medical school matters most!
Be a kind human. Be a humble person. Be a good muslim/ah. Those define 'Doctor'!!
It was really funny
We had a role play. 3 role plays in 1 class. I acted in the 3rd case. As a patient who turned up to the clinic with her husband, to receive a diagnosis of cervical cancer. I had to be emotional. No doubt I had to apologize in the first place for my bad acting. I am not a born actor =P But alhamdulillah everything went fine although i did laugh during the play huhuu. Anyway it makes me feel good today after a teary phone call with Ummi, because I just miss her soo much!!
Monday
I have determined to be happy
I have determined to be happy
I have promised myself to be ok
I have deicded that whatever befallen me
Will be taken in a stride of maturity
And yet my heart betray
While this pain won't go away
It feels like I am walking in a maze
But the complexity never makes me feel amazed
I never want to go astray
But I fall into the jungle of confusion
A circle of dark sentiments
Of which I touch again and again
And I just let it be that way
While I hope and hope in despair
Kneeling to the Almighty
searching for His love to brighten my day
Waiting for my mind to restore the contentment
Because I have determined to be happy....
me, 5.40a.m
I have promised myself to be ok
I have deicded that whatever befallen me
Will be taken in a stride of maturity
And yet my heart betray
While this pain won't go away
It feels like I am walking in a maze
But the complexity never makes me feel amazed
I never want to go astray
But I fall into the jungle of confusion
A circle of dark sentiments
Of which I touch again and again
And I just let it be that way
While I hope and hope in despair
Kneeling to the Almighty
searching for His love to brighten my day
Waiting for my mind to restore the contentment
Because I have determined to be happy....
me, 5.40a.m
Sunday
Another break??!!
So this is my another internet-round. Hey at least I have completed my notes on pneumonia & pertussis..ALHAMDULILLAH. Through my rebellious musculoskeletal system which made a hill out of a mole, i did manage after all! Now is 16:49, at this point of time I am wondering what would be the best preparation for tomorrow?
I am nervous? Certainly, a little bit. I can't even properly do a physical examination on adults, what more on infants or children. I am imagining the worst.. what if the moment I i intend to approach a a baby, the baby screams at the top of his/her lung. Oh no that is a nightmare. Or what if a kid won't let me touch her at all? Define 'doctor'. Someone who are eager to help. Define 'medical student'. A student who is learning to be a doctor. However I do think in the anxiety of clerking a patient (or merely walking awkwardly in the ward
donning the embarasssing white coat while my hands juggle with the spectrum of things along- stethoscope,
note book, text book, purse etc), a fresh clinical year medical student doesn't even have the eagerness to help the patient, but rather I just want to get over everyhting quickly and heave a deep sigh of relief..
Practice practice and practice. That is the trust that have been bestowed on me.. Remember remember and do remember.. that I am trying to be someone who is eager to help others! InsyaAllah
I am nervous? Certainly, a little bit. I can't even properly do a physical examination on adults, what more on infants or children. I am imagining the worst.. what if the moment I i intend to approach a a baby, the baby screams at the top of his/her lung. Oh no that is a nightmare. Or what if a kid won't let me touch her at all? Define 'doctor'. Someone who are eager to help. Define 'medical student'. A student who is learning to be a doctor. However I do think in the anxiety of clerking a patient (or merely walking awkwardly in the ward
donning the embarasssing white coat while my hands juggle with the spectrum of things along- stethoscope,
note book, text book, purse etc), a fresh clinical year medical student doesn't even have the eagerness to help the patient, but rather I just want to get over everyhting quickly and heave a deep sigh of relief..
Practice practice and practice. That is the trust that have been bestowed on me.. Remember remember and do remember.. that I am trying to be someone who is eager to help others! InsyaAllah
An old man who tries to run
Imagine a 90-year old man who tries to do a 100m-sprint. (well sorry for the gender bias, but it is usually the andro species who try to defy their age by doing such things..while the gynae apply a thick slab of foundation on their skin to cover wrinkles). After a period of almost 6o years of retirement from such healthy physical activty, of course the decision to repeat doing it all over again isn't very healthy, at least psychologically. If only a radiologist come with an x-ray machine, they won't be able to tell the knee or hip joints and a rusted door hinge apart, once they try to compare them! It's a tolerable idea to use the joints if it creaks.. because then you know that there is a tinge of hope left, which would probably burns brighter should a :WD-40" comes to the rescue.
Of course if the 90 year old man tries to complete a 100m-sprint, he won't just huff and puff but more than just occasionally, he has to stop not for a while. To allow his accessory respiratory muscles lend some help to the intercostal muscles and diaphragm, or spare some time for his retiring ATP factory to start producing a burst of energy again and export it to where it should be exported. His muscles which have hardened and become inelastic groan and moan to the ever changing activity of flexion and extension during the course of sprint..
While his vertebra has probably ankylosed, so would his heart screaming mercifully in a meek attempt to compensate for the cardiovascular need and tissue perfusion
You can just imagine, how hard I am trying to listen to creaks and groans of the cells in my brain.. just to make me feel at ease that at least something is going on in my brain! An intoxicating 2-months of holiday, away from book and of course a generous excuse from making my template & table notes... I do feel like a 90 year old man who tries to do a 100m-sprint! Ample and extremely frequent intervention have to be done throughout the note-making process, in terms of browsing the internet, do an online shopping, book an online ticket, check the yahoo mail and friendster, scanning the Medic student forum site, ym with anybody who is online and available, sms people, eat something till at last I myself am confused.. what was that i intended to do just now.??. oh i actually wanted to complete the note! It is harder than what I thought. Sure it is harder.. but I need the WD-40. Make the blog-rambling my last unhealthy activity, before I start working back on the note...-sigh-
Of course if the 90 year old man tries to complete a 100m-sprint, he won't just huff and puff but more than just occasionally, he has to stop not for a while. To allow his accessory respiratory muscles lend some help to the intercostal muscles and diaphragm, or spare some time for his retiring ATP factory to start producing a burst of energy again and export it to where it should be exported. His muscles which have hardened and become inelastic groan and moan to the ever changing activity of flexion and extension during the course of sprint..
While his vertebra has probably ankylosed, so would his heart screaming mercifully in a meek attempt to compensate for the cardiovascular need and tissue perfusion
You can just imagine, how hard I am trying to listen to creaks and groans of the cells in my brain.. just to make me feel at ease that at least something is going on in my brain! An intoxicating 2-months of holiday, away from book and of course a generous excuse from making my template & table notes... I do feel like a 90 year old man who tries to do a 100m-sprint! Ample and extremely frequent intervention have to be done throughout the note-making process, in terms of browsing the internet, do an online shopping, book an online ticket, check the yahoo mail and friendster, scanning the Medic student forum site, ym with anybody who is online and available, sms people, eat something till at last I myself am confused.. what was that i intended to do just now.??. oh i actually wanted to complete the note! It is harder than what I thought. Sure it is harder.. but I need the WD-40. Make the blog-rambling my last unhealthy activity, before I start working back on the note...-sigh-
Saturday
A template lady
It's time for a cup of FRESH cappuccino. Sip it slowly and relax, what an ideal activity for the weekend. Ahh that is what I am having this weekend =P. What a rare occassion. Of course there's a price which most probably almost of us
have to pay for such an expensive and exclusive holiday- a temperature that hikes above 36.9 degree
celcius, or a head which bangs and threaten to burst,
or a tummy that doesn't seems to feel so well and there- you get your cosy bed! lOf course that is a leisure if only you compare spending a weekend vomiting and retching all day or vertigo (my opinion of among the worst symptoms one can have). Ala kulli hal alhamdulillah for this health, for another day of oxygen-breathing, for another day of enjoying the beauty of everything that surrounds us.. Alhamdulillah.
If you are a nerd, then you will always be a nerd. If you are a jerk, then you will always be a jerk. Unless you try so hard to change, as stated in the Quran. I was a table & template-brained adolescent lady, I am a table & template-brained young lady and insyaAllah I will be a table & template-brained old lady. Haha. I like templates very much. All my notes have to fit in a template which I have earlier created.
And of course the template is always in a table form. I do that when I learn science & medicine, and I do the same thing when I learn anything!
And to realize that I spent the whole last night and today creating a template for my paediatric posting! Gosh really I can't change, can I?
I actually created a template which I can fill in during history taking, during conducting general observation of patient & physical examination & even during reading lab reports! I think I'll be like a robot when I interview patients, asking each and every one of them using the same template. But that won't b a prob cause I am going to meet different patients and they won't even realize this =P I realize that I like something to be very definitive, to be concrete, to be a steretotype. Probably I feel confident if some information, ideas or methods are safely and systematically stored in my brain and tightly gripped & grabbed in my hand. Do I like something to be randomly at the tip of my finger? Nay, it will fall easily.
have to pay for such an expensive and exclusive holiday- a temperature that hikes above 36.9 degree
celcius, or a head which bangs and threaten to burst,
or a tummy that doesn't seems to feel so well and there- you get your cosy bed! lOf course that is a leisure if only you compare spending a weekend vomiting and retching all day or vertigo (my opinion of among the worst symptoms one can have). Ala kulli hal alhamdulillah for this health, for another day of oxygen-breathing, for another day of enjoying the beauty of everything that surrounds us.. Alhamdulillah.
If you are a nerd, then you will always be a nerd. If you are a jerk, then you will always be a jerk. Unless you try so hard to change, as stated in the Quran. I was a table & template-brained adolescent lady, I am a table & template-brained young lady and insyaAllah I will be a table & template-brained old lady. Haha. I like templates very much. All my notes have to fit in a template which I have earlier created.
And of course the template is always in a table form. I do that when I learn science & medicine, and I do the same thing when I learn anything!
And to realize that I spent the whole last night and today creating a template for my paediatric posting! Gosh really I can't change, can I?
I actually created a template which I can fill in during history taking, during conducting general observation of patient & physical examination & even during reading lab reports! I think I'll be like a robot when I interview patients, asking each and every one of them using the same template. But that won't b a prob cause I am going to meet different patients and they won't even realize this =P I realize that I like something to be very definitive, to be concrete, to be a steretotype. Probably I feel confident if some information, ideas or methods are safely and systematically stored in my brain and tightly gripped & grabbed in my hand. Do I like something to be randomly at the tip of my finger? Nay, it will fall easily.
Thursday
Today I really hate myself
Today I really really really extremely hate myself!!! For being ignorance, for being such a dork, for being sucha lazy person, for being such an arghh.... i just can explain this frustration! I should blame my sleep duration which added up to almost 10 hours last night. Or I might have to accuse my ever wandering mind for being such an extensive traveler. Wait a second, I should give my failing memory a lesson, for denying to process any recalling activity . But in the end I blame my own self for my own weaknesses..
I read on the techniques to assess ascites, and yet when I was asked to demonstrate it on a patient, I backed out. I was asked about intestinal obstruction and I answered "I don't know". I didn't even have the slightest idea
what intestinal obstruction was, when I had encountered the matter for countless times in preclinical years!
I have just read on pyloric stenosis in paediatric just few hours before and I couldn't recall that. And my mind couldn't stay intact throughout the bedside teaching class. Ahh have I committed a major sin, when I don't fulfill the trust and amanah as a student? I really should improve, I really should improve.. Astaghfirullah.
I read on the techniques to assess ascites, and yet when I was asked to demonstrate it on a patient, I backed out. I was asked about intestinal obstruction and I answered "I don't know". I didn't even have the slightest idea
what intestinal obstruction was, when I had encountered the matter for countless times in preclinical years!
I have just read on pyloric stenosis in paediatric just few hours before and I couldn't recall that. And my mind couldn't stay intact throughout the bedside teaching class. Ahh have I committed a major sin, when I don't fulfill the trust and amanah as a student? I really should improve, I really should improve.. Astaghfirullah.
Monday
My Family Doctor
A pure initial intention to search for cystic fibrosis ended in me jotting something in this blog. While my right right eardrum is again and again being hit with a sound that is supposedly be a midsystolic murmur, I just can't make anything geniously audible out of it -sigh- heart murmur is just not my stuff for the time being.. -sigh again- And I have to keep reminding and repeating to myself "This is a midsystolic murmur"
My mind freshly remembers the day of my sister's engagement.. when most of my relatives teased me of medical things. Nak mc, nak ubat etc. I humbly and shyly (the exact word should be 'shamefully') avoided those teases. One saying that famously travels around in the medical community is "When you are a medical student, you become famous. But once you have graduated, nobody cares about you anymore". In one way or another, that saying is extremely true! Nobody cares about doctor.
However, what touched me at the most sensitive spot of my heart (or is it liver?) was a saying "La takyah risau. tanya je doktor ni. Doktor kan ada". My uncle said that when 1 of my aunts had headache and wanted to take pain killer. My reflex answer was "La, ada doktor senior, lagi terror. Ummi tu, semua penyakit dia tau". My mum
My mum was my doctor when I was a baby. She was my doctor when I was a toddler. She was my doctor throughout my schooling years. She was my doctor when I entered matriculation. Now I am a Year 3 Medical Students, she is STILL MY BEST DOCTOR! She is just a housewife. She may not know pathophysiology of diseases, she may not know mode of action of drugs, she may not know pharmacology extensively, she may not know many things that I have learnt in medical schools, and yet she makes the best doctor in the world!
I am now staying 300km away for her, but she still utilizes the communication technology to give me my nutritional and health lecture, to remind me to buy multivitamins. She never fails to continuously and repetitively explain how infection can spread from one person to another, and how important
vitamin C is to boost my immune system. I just can't imagine my life withouth this superb doctor! Thanks ummi
I truly love you
My mind freshly remembers the day of my sister's engagement.. when most of my relatives teased me of medical things. Nak mc, nak ubat etc. I humbly and shyly (the exact word should be 'shamefully') avoided those teases. One saying that famously travels around in the medical community is "When you are a medical student, you become famous. But once you have graduated, nobody cares about you anymore". In one way or another, that saying is extremely true! Nobody cares about doctor.
However, what touched me at the most sensitive spot of my heart (or is it liver?) was a saying "La takyah risau. tanya je doktor ni. Doktor kan ada". My uncle said that when 1 of my aunts had headache and wanted to take pain killer. My reflex answer was "La, ada doktor senior, lagi terror. Ummi tu, semua penyakit dia tau". My mum
My mum was my doctor when I was a baby. She was my doctor when I was a toddler. She was my doctor throughout my schooling years. She was my doctor when I entered matriculation. Now I am a Year 3 Medical Students, she is STILL MY BEST DOCTOR! She is just a housewife. She may not know pathophysiology of diseases, she may not know mode of action of drugs, she may not know pharmacology extensively, she may not know many things that I have learnt in medical schools, and yet she makes the best doctor in the world!
I am now staying 300km away for her, but she still utilizes the communication technology to give me my nutritional and health lecture, to remind me to buy multivitamins. She never fails to continuously and repetitively explain how infection can spread from one person to another, and how important
vitamin C is to boost my immune system. I just can't imagine my life withouth this superb doctor! Thanks ummi
I truly love you
Wednesday
Ku merinduimu...
Untuk insan yang teramat ku cintai
Untuk wajahnya yang terlalu ingin ku tatapi
Untuk suara lunaknya yang sentiasa kurindui
Untuk cintanya yang tiada bertepi
Untuk pipinya yang teringin ku kucupi
Untuk pengorbanannya yang tak mampu kubalasi
Meskipun diri ini sentiasa sibuk dengan urusan dunia, namun tiada yang lebih utama dari dirimu
Meskipun masa sentiasa terkocoh2 berlalu, pastinya ada ruang dan sela waktu untuk mengingatimu...
permata ayah bonda-
Mewangi kuntuman bahagia
Di halaman ayah serta bonda
Menatang selaut cahaya
Melerai resah dan gundah di jiwa
Segunung impian dicita
Selangit harapan di damba
Dibelai, dimanja mesra
Kaulah racun, kau penawar
Senyuman dan tangisanmu
Pengubat duka dan lara
C/O
Engkau umpama sebutir permata
Diperlubukkan kasih nan bersinar, bercahaya
Hiasi rumahtangga
Engkau harapan seisi keluarga
Panjatan doa dan aimata
Yang pasrah kepada Yang Esa
Kepadamu tercurah
Kasih sayang dan pengorbanan
Agar terus gemilang
Dididik, diasuh tiap masa
Diajarkan ilmu yang berguna
Mengenal Allah dan Rasul
Menyemai, menyubur iman di dada
Dilayur segala kekerasan
Dilentur dengan kelembutan
Dititip seuntai madah
Hidupmu mula dan berakhir
Menyusur fitrah dan sunnah
Bernoktah di penghujungnya
C/O
Tiada yang lebih membahagiakan
Melihat dirimu kian membesar, dewasa
Di dalam sejahtera
Usah terpesona pujukan dunia
Yang hanya menyilau pandangan
Memukau dengan keindahannya
Nasihat ayah bonda
Agar engkau lebih bersedia
Untuk menghadapinya
Bersemi kelopak kasih sayang
Di persada cinta yang sejati
Titisan susu ibunda
Menyegarkan, menghapuskan dahaga
Renjisan keringat dari ayahanda
Menyubur pohon kehidupan
Tuaian sebidang tabah
Buatmu doa dan harapan
Jadilah insan yang mulia
Pembela di hari tua
C/O
Waktu bisa merubah segalanya
Dewasalah dalam rahmat dan kasih Ilahi
Redahi pancaroba
Andai langkahmu tersasar kesimpangan
Pulanglah ke laman ayah bonda
Kembali menghuni di tamannya
Bersamalah semula
Menghirup embunan kasih sayang
Sedingin airmata bonda
Engkaulah permata ayah bonda....
And Belaian Ibu..
Tertanam naluri keibuan amat mendalam
Di jiwa insan yang mendambakan kebahagiaan
Oh? ibu
Di bahumu tergalas beban
Perjalananmu penuh rintangan
Kau titipkan kasih sayang
Sejujur pengorbanan
Tak ku nafikan
Di saat kita berjauhan
Rasa ingin ku berlari
Mendakapimu penuh girang
Bak si kecil kehilangan
Kau insan penyayang
Betapa ku merindu
Lembutnya belaian ibu
Membuatku terlena
Di wajah terlukis tenang
Debar di dada kau rahsiakan
Ku pastikan dikau aman
Dikurnia sejahtera
Tak ku lupakan
Di saat kita berjauhan
Rasa ingin ku berlari
Mendakapimu penuh girang
Bak si kecil kehilangan
Tiada aku tanpa ibu
Hanya (kau) satu didunia
Bertakhta dikau dijiwaku
Kau lah ibu yang tercinta
Kau insan pengasih
Betapa aku mengharap
Hadirnya restumu ibu
Membawaku ke syurga
Bersemi belaian kasih sayang nan berpanjangan
Darimu insan yang mendoakan kebahagiaan anak-anakmu
Oh? Ibu
My sister is getting engaged!!
1 word to describe my feeling: Excited
2 words to describe my feeling: Truly Happy
3 words to describe my feeling: I am proud
4 words to describe my feeling: Really want to attend
5 words to describe my feeling: Kak, do get married a.s.a.p!!!!!!
Hahaha. I haven't decided whether I should go back or not.. eventhough I really want to. It has been more than a year since I last returned to my kampung, a no-brainer should succesfully predict that it has been more than a year since I last saw my relatives! Subhanallah.. dimanakah ukhuwah? That explains my excitement to meet them, my cousins whom I haven't met for such a loooong stretch.. -sigh-
Tuesday
Another day
Typing this over a bowl of cornflakes + raisins + milk.. I guess this will be my official, self certified meal for these few days or probably these few months.
Amazingly easy and wonderfully fast to be prepared..if only i don't think of the protein that I'm lacking
I'm not exaggerating should I say my 1st clinical day is very much similar to a bowl of Apple with Cinnamon flavoured Toasted Oats in a bowl of ice cold milk..hmm. It is supposed to be exciting, and yet a handful amount of oat should be just enough and nice. Take extra.. and I'll end up having my appetite mercilessly murdered! Class from 8.30-5.oo is just a little too much, considering that we have to listen to introductions. However I enjoyed them, in the midst of excitement and anxiety, while the clouding consciousness & gigantic yawns threatened to sail me into a dreamless slumber.
However i am very much reminded by the excepionally lengthy lectures that my books await me. Gosh.. to be aware of my frail memory that is almost empty of medical facts.. surely i have forgotten a big chunk of
what i have learnt in preclinical years (blaming the 2 month holiday) Shaker (classmate-cum-book dealer) informed us of the clinical books that we have to buy, i was for the second time threatend, for my ever lazy mind (to absorb new knowledge) and for my timid bank account to make a minute charity.. aha money again. Well I can't linger around here longer.. till the next time
Glad to get paediatric posting with one of my best comrade, mimi though a lil bit disappointed not to be with you, Robin... a posting which the seniors wouldn't hesitate to flash a mega grin each and everytime we informed them.. coz paeds is supposed to be the easises t posting hahaha
Amazingly easy and wonderfully fast to be prepared..if only i don't think of the protein that I'm lacking
I'm not exaggerating should I say my 1st clinical day is very much similar to a bowl of Apple with Cinnamon flavoured Toasted Oats in a bowl of ice cold milk..hmm. It is supposed to be exciting, and yet a handful amount of oat should be just enough and nice. Take extra.. and I'll end up having my appetite mercilessly murdered! Class from 8.30-5.oo is just a little too much, considering that we have to listen to introductions. However I enjoyed them, in the midst of excitement and anxiety, while the clouding consciousness & gigantic yawns threatened to sail me into a dreamless slumber.
However i am very much reminded by the excepionally lengthy lectures that my books await me. Gosh.. to be aware of my frail memory that is almost empty of medical facts.. surely i have forgotten a big chunk of
what i have learnt in preclinical years (blaming the 2 month holiday) Shaker (classmate-cum-book dealer) informed us of the clinical books that we have to buy, i was for the second time threatend, for my ever lazy mind (to absorb new knowledge) and for my timid bank account to make a minute charity.. aha money again. Well I can't linger around here longer.. till the next time
Glad to get paediatric posting with one of my best comrade, mimi though a lil bit disappointed not to be with you, Robin... a posting which the seniors wouldn't hesitate to flash a mega grin each and everytime we informed them.. coz paeds is supposed to be the easises t posting hahaha
Sunday
Usrah means love. Usrah spells care. Usrah defines sense of belonging.
It has been a while since I last published something in this blog of mine. I feel compelled to jot down something. I was busy attending a programme the last 2 days, but now that the urge to share is too overwhelming, I look irresistibly at Lavender-chan (which happens to be my fair laptop), while the electrical impulses scramble along the neurons in my brain, trying to figure out a justifiable explanation as to why I am (again) glued to the chair. -Sigh-
It is now 21:56pm. Tomorrow should be my 1st day clinical years, but I am sure He has planned something else for me, because InsyaAllah the day after tomorrow would be my 1st day of clinical years. I have to go to KL tomorrow for some reason, although I am very worried that I'll miss out something with regard to clinical stuff. La tahinu wa la tahzanu, innallaha ma'ana!
A friend gave me a tail-less monkey which she had bought in Sabah. It really reminds me of a Nancy Drew mystery which I had read, regarding a monkey with a short tail (Crossword cipher). I really love it,
because my zoo (collection of animal toys on my notice board) expands and gets merrier!
I do wonder why most people are afraid of the word Usrah. Literally it means family. Practically it means a group of closely-bonded people, sharing knowledge, building relationship & friendship, cherishing memories of the time they had spent together, and caring each other, and most importantly- helping each other to grow and be a better person with each day that greets goodbye.
Usrah means love. Usrah spells care. Usrah defines sense of belonging.
And actually that was what the programme all about. How to be a good moderator of usrah, how to be a good member of an usrah. How to make the most from usrah, how to enjoy an usrah. It can be as serious (and boring as well) as sitting in a circle, listening to the moderator/ facilitator/ naqib giving 'lectures', or it can be as interesting as baking together (for me) or going camping! It can be as straining as memorizing hadith all the time, and it can be as fun as sharing personal problems and finding
the solution together.
It can be as routine as opening the usrah with al Fatihah and end it with tasbih kaffarah, but it can also be as exciting as starting it with a short warm up followed by playing game.
It can be carried out as creative as possible, and I am determined to be a member of a very satisfying & enjoying usrah, so that I would eagerly wait for the next usrah meeting, with overwhelming curiosity and enthusiasm!
It is now 21:56pm. Tomorrow should be my 1st day clinical years, but I am sure He has planned something else for me, because InsyaAllah the day after tomorrow would be my 1st day of clinical years. I have to go to KL tomorrow for some reason, although I am very worried that I'll miss out something with regard to clinical stuff. La tahinu wa la tahzanu, innallaha ma'ana!
A friend gave me a tail-less monkey which she had bought in Sabah. It really reminds me of a Nancy Drew mystery which I had read, regarding a monkey with a short tail (Crossword cipher). I really love it,
because my zoo (collection of animal toys on my notice board) expands and gets merrier!
I do wonder why most people are afraid of the word Usrah. Literally it means family. Practically it means a group of closely-bonded people, sharing knowledge, building relationship & friendship, cherishing memories of the time they had spent together, and caring each other, and most importantly- helping each other to grow and be a better person with each day that greets goodbye.
Usrah means love. Usrah spells care. Usrah defines sense of belonging.
And actually that was what the programme all about. How to be a good moderator of usrah, how to be a good member of an usrah. How to make the most from usrah, how to enjoy an usrah. It can be as serious (and boring as well) as sitting in a circle, listening to the moderator/ facilitator/ naqib giving 'lectures', or it can be as interesting as baking together (for me) or going camping! It can be as straining as memorizing hadith all the time, and it can be as fun as sharing personal problems and finding
the solution together.
It can be as routine as opening the usrah with al Fatihah and end it with tasbih kaffarah, but it can also be as exciting as starting it with a short warm up followed by playing game.
It can be carried out as creative as possible, and I am determined to be a member of a very satisfying & enjoying usrah, so that I would eagerly wait for the next usrah meeting, with overwhelming curiosity and enthusiasm!
Friday
License to kill
Yesterday when I was in the car with Ummi, I told her that I think being a houseman is even worse than being a medical student. Of course during housemanship, one have passed the exam adrenaline rush, but what i presume, the reponsibility would be way too big & burdensome. No Dr to cover up my mistake, to scold me the second I start doing something wrongly until maybe it is too late and the patient has sued me etc.
I am very anxious to deal with delicate matters such as life & death. I can just imagine if 1 day a patient dies due to my accidental negligence, i just can't forgive myself probably for the whole life. What a bizarre. The same goes with driving. I am really scared of motorists, because they look so.. fragile especially on the highways. I can clearly remember an accident I was invlolved in when I was small, between
the car I was in and a motorist. We crashed into each other, and in a flash I saw him practically
flying or somersaulting in front of my very eyes! He was brought to the hospital, and Alhamdulillah
was doing fine apart from few broken bones.
I really hate driving (because I am scared of accidents & death), which made me told Ummi to keep my driving license a secret! My future husband is not supposed to know that i can actually drive haha. Seems like that is not going to happen after all.
Ummi gave me a real piece of advice: Ask for Allah's help. Pray 2 rakaat before you go to the ward everyday, PRAY that Allah will help you all the way. Pray that He will guide you to make the best diagnoses, Pray that He will help you to avoid unnecessary mistakes, Pray that He will help you to deal with the outcomes rationally. and calmly.
Alhamdulillah. I have experienced a situation, whereby I felt that it was totally impossible to escape, that it was a dead end, that I was a dead meat, but He helped me to go through it. Nothing is impossible with His help! I feel assured, and so will you =)
I am very anxious to deal with delicate matters such as life & death. I can just imagine if 1 day a patient dies due to my accidental negligence, i just can't forgive myself probably for the whole life. What a bizarre. The same goes with driving. I am really scared of motorists, because they look so.. fragile especially on the highways. I can clearly remember an accident I was invlolved in when I was small, between
the car I was in and a motorist. We crashed into each other, and in a flash I saw him practically
flying or somersaulting in front of my very eyes! He was brought to the hospital, and Alhamdulillah
was doing fine apart from few broken bones.
I really hate driving (because I am scared of accidents & death), which made me told Ummi to keep my driving license a secret! My future husband is not supposed to know that i can actually drive haha. Seems like that is not going to happen after all.
Ummi gave me a real piece of advice: Ask for Allah's help. Pray 2 rakaat before you go to the ward everyday, PRAY that Allah will help you all the way. Pray that He will guide you to make the best diagnoses, Pray that He will help you to avoid unnecessary mistakes, Pray that He will help you to deal with the outcomes rationally. and calmly.
Alhamdulillah. I have experienced a situation, whereby I felt that it was totally impossible to escape, that it was a dead end, that I was a dead meat, but He helped me to go through it. Nothing is impossible with His help! I feel assured, and so will you =)
Wednesday
It feels so good to be 'home'!!
Alhamdulillah I've arrived safely in Kuantan. Eventhough I felt really sad when I kissed Ummi goodbye, it feels so great and so 'home'ly to be greeted by the chart (in the picture) in my room in kuantan! Hahaa it is actually a group of diagrams showing cross sections of the brainstem at various level! It suprised me when I realized that I had actually totally forgotten the chart. Made it (mind you, I drew them by myself! and coloured them using crayons) during the revision week before Professional Exam, even before Block 4 Final exam. Neurology was taught in Block 4, so i kind of had a time shortage to memorize them before Pro. So in a desperate attempt to cram everything in my brain, i made that! Then I hung it on my curtain, using clothes peg! How very sentimental haha. I just made do with everything that I had
Anyway it really feels great to be back and smell this room, because i don't know from where did this smell come, but it stays here anyway. A specific & unique aroma huh? Whatever. It delights me to lay my eyes once again on my text books & preclinical year notebooks, on the list of Infectious Agents Causing Pneumonia hung on my notice board, at the Normal Laboratory Values (of FBP, UFEME, BUSE, ABG etc) pasted on my wall ahh everything is soo nice. I don't remember missing all these this much when actually I am!
My gear is now in D (drive) mode, my engine is ready to roar away, slicing through clinical years!
Everything has been perfectly planned!
I planned to return to the campus on Tuesday, 1st of July. Suddenly someone informed me that the programme that i intended to attend has been postponed to 2nd July. So I altered my plan which is to return to the campus on 2nd July instead.
I started the journey quite early in the morning, around 8.30a.m
WhenI was about to exit the Gombak Toll, i was nearly summoned by the police. Expired roadtax.
I don't even know how to open the engine cover of the car that I was driving, let alone to know
matters regarding roadtax.
Not to mention that it was clearly stated on the road tax sticker that it was valid till 21st of May 2008! 21st May!! Oh man that was nearly 2 months ago! Terkebil2 jugak & i actually stammered when i said i was not aware of that. So i smsed Ummi, and later abah called me, he talked to the police. ALHAMDULILLAH luckily Mr Police was lenient enough to let me go without issuing any summon! That was after delivering quite a lengthy lecture, telling me that I have no right to use the road because i don't pay the tax. He said that I actually have to bring my car to JPJ,
park there overnight etc. Mungkin sebab I continued praying to Allah dlm keadaan yg
sangat takut and penuh berharap to make everything easy for me. And sebab polis tu kesian sgt tgk i
appeared like a helpless girl, mmg kesian sgt lah huhuuu.. And that time i was wondering
whether he would suggest me to do bribery, but nay everything was clean and once again i
felt very grateful that honest policemen still exist! May Allah bless him and his family
fiddunya wal akhirah for helping a fragile soul like me =P
Off i went back home, and bought a bus ticket to Kuantan for tomorrow morning =) InsyaAllah Kuantan here I come.
However I just read about a campaign called PROTES which is not very far from my house on 6th July.. now I feel uncertain..seems like i am not keen on going back to the Campus, so that I can join the campaign.
I have never ever joint a single campaign before!
I started the journey quite early in the morning, around 8.30a.m
WhenI was about to exit the Gombak Toll, i was nearly summoned by the police. Expired roadtax.
I don't even know how to open the engine cover of the car that I was driving, let alone to know
matters regarding roadtax.
Not to mention that it was clearly stated on the road tax sticker that it was valid till 21st of May 2008! 21st May!! Oh man that was nearly 2 months ago! Terkebil2 jugak & i actually stammered when i said i was not aware of that. So i smsed Ummi, and later abah called me, he talked to the police. ALHAMDULILLAH luckily Mr Police was lenient enough to let me go without issuing any summon! That was after delivering quite a lengthy lecture, telling me that I have no right to use the road because i don't pay the tax. He said that I actually have to bring my car to JPJ,
park there overnight etc. Mungkin sebab I continued praying to Allah dlm keadaan yg
sangat takut and penuh berharap to make everything easy for me. And sebab polis tu kesian sgt tgk i
appeared like a helpless girl, mmg kesian sgt lah huhuuu.. And that time i was wondering
whether he would suggest me to do bribery, but nay everything was clean and once again i
felt very grateful that honest policemen still exist! May Allah bless him and his family
fiddunya wal akhirah for helping a fragile soul like me =P
Off i went back home, and bought a bus ticket to Kuantan for tomorrow morning =) InsyaAllah Kuantan here I come.
However I just read about a campaign called PROTES which is not very far from my house on 6th July.. now I feel uncertain..seems like i am not keen on going back to the Campus, so that I can join the campaign.
I have never ever joint a single campaign before!
Malfunction
I feel so bored.. browsing through the newspaper just to find out that more than 2 pages were dedicated to Uncle Anwar's (Datuk Seri) story. I don't mean to say that I like or dislike him, it is just that everything is really boring. Somebody must be dying to tag him as "Once a gay, forever a gay" or something that sounds like "Once a sodomizer (does this word ever exist?), forever a sodomizer".
I don't mean to sound rude but oh common.. seems like an ancient tactic is being used again and again and again. My personal opinion ok, just my personal opinion, the resume of Bro Saiful (the one who filed the complain) wasn't convincing enough anyway. What I heard (please note, it may be untrue after all) he was an MPP and had problem with it, he applied for a place in an institute without informing them of his study in the univ, he wasn't doing OK in the academic field (mengumpat ke ni??), and suddenly at the peak of Anwar's career, he brings forth the complain. I don't mind if someone doesn't bloom academically if the person has tried his/her best, but if that person has a bad academic performance + attitude problem, then that's it. Neither sympathy nor empathy from me.
Truth is Bro Saiful deserves to be protected by the law if he is really a victim. I can't judge him because I don't know him personally.
Problem is every single Malysian knows that our legal system is not that justifiable by the way.
Everything is soo perfect and dead boring, to end with. Sometimes you get irritated by merely trying to ingest these endless scandals. And that causes my brain and rationalizing process to malfunction. How lame..
I don't mean to sound rude but oh common.. seems like an ancient tactic is being used again and again and again. My personal opinion ok, just my personal opinion, the resume of Bro Saiful (the one who filed the complain) wasn't convincing enough anyway. What I heard (please note, it may be untrue after all) he was an MPP and had problem with it, he applied for a place in an institute without informing them of his study in the univ, he wasn't doing OK in the academic field (mengumpat ke ni??), and suddenly at the peak of Anwar's career, he brings forth the complain. I don't mind if someone doesn't bloom academically if the person has tried his/her best, but if that person has a bad academic performance + attitude problem, then that's it. Neither sympathy nor empathy from me.
Truth is Bro Saiful deserves to be protected by the law if he is really a victim. I can't judge him because I don't know him personally.
Problem is every single Malysian knows that our legal system is not that justifiable by the way.
Everything is soo perfect and dead boring, to end with. Sometimes you get irritated by merely trying to ingest these endless scandals. And that causes my brain and rationalizing process to malfunction. How lame..
Tuesday
Nak jadi ahli syurga??
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Nama saya Tot. Kadang2 orang panggil saya Totot, Popot, Pot, Etot, Thout (sebutan hruf tho dan diidghamkan) dan macam macam nama lagi. Umur saya 2 tahun or 3 tahun, tak ingat la. Saya suka makan friskies, tapi yang crunchy je. kalau dah lemau saya tak suka makan la. Saya suka duduk dekat dgn tong sampah, sebab tu saya kena mandi selalu. tp bila mandi, saya ngiau kuat kuat. Kalau nak masuk bilik tidur pun saya ngiau kuat kuat sebab bagi warning kpd sesape yg ada dlm bilik tidur tu. Saya suka tangkap cicak. Tapi kalau cicak tinggi sangat, saya ngiau juga kuat kuat supaya sesape yg available akan tolong angkat saya!
Hmm Tot, u r introducing yourself in my blog? OMG you are soo Totot. Well to speak of Tot, berbuat baik kat binatang tu satu pahala.
Ada org yang pernah bagi minum kat anjing yang tengah kehausan di tgh padang pasir, lalu dia dijanjikan syurga (xpasti sejauh mana kesahihan cerita ni).
Sahabat Rasulullah, Abu Hurairah sangat menyayangi kucing, sebab tulah nama dia Abu Hurairah. Tp kalau kat rumah tot mengiau minta makanan pun, kitorng malas nak layan dia. Biar je lama-lama sampai dia climb onto our bodies, baru la bg dia makan. Itupun dgn gaya malas.
Walhal cuma kena buka tin, ambil friskies & letakkan dlm pinggan Astaghfirullah, macamana nak jadi ahli syurga kalau benda kecik camni pun susah sgt nak buat???
Documenting everything..
Abah asked apa la gunanya friendster? cerita psl personal things kat public.. And buat apa nak tulis blog? Sibuk nak bitau org lain psl diri kita. I could sense a heavy disagreement and dislike in his voice. But i knew better- just keep quiet!
I don't even know how many people are there in this whole world!
How can i expect that everybody will think at the same frequency??
It is just a matter of technology evolution.
In the old days people write their biography, if they care to write it and if they think people will read.
But of course they didn't call or even use blogs then, instead they have memoirs- books.
Papers & ink.
I don't call this my blog but rather my ramblings. I don't know why I write it either (how lame) but actually i'm creating something like Pengembaraan Ibn Battuta.
Someplace where I jot down my life experiences. 1 day, I am going to stop and look back at
what i have been through and just cherish it, knowing how much wisdom & maturity i have
gathered throughout the years.. The ups and downs of my humble life.. and perhaps I'll be able to tell my grandchildren one day, that if they want to learn
something from my experience, it is stored somewhere in the invisible world. How ambitious -hehe-
I don't even know how many people are there in this whole world!
How can i expect that everybody will think at the same frequency??
It is just a matter of technology evolution.
In the old days people write their biography, if they care to write it and if they think people will read.
But of course they didn't call or even use blogs then, instead they have memoirs- books.
Papers & ink.
I don't call this my blog but rather my ramblings. I don't know why I write it either (how lame) but actually i'm creating something like Pengembaraan Ibn Battuta.
Someplace where I jot down my life experiences. 1 day, I am going to stop and look back at
what i have been through and just cherish it, knowing how much wisdom & maturity i have
gathered throughout the years.. The ups and downs of my humble life.. and perhaps I'll be able to tell my grandchildren one day, that if they want to learn
something from my experience, it is stored somewhere in the invisible world. How ambitious -hehe-
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