Depressed more than ever

Because i am in extreme depression right now, that would be a legitimate alasan for me to ramble here!! And please, nobody is supposed to know the real me, i am being anonymous here! So I am not trying to exhibit hikmah or being extra kind or polite to anybody.

Kenapa la orang yang dah kawen tak nak layan psgn masing2 dengan elok? Pakai cantik2 for each other, bercakap baik2 to each other, and do all the romantic things that loving couples do???? Ni serabai, selekeh je. Sedih je tengok keadaan camni.

Best tau tengok orang yg dah kahwin and ada psgn yang HALAL bermanja-manja dengan each other.

KENAPA PULAK orang yang belum kahwin asyik nak jaga penampilan and ckp2 lembut2 to each other? Kenapa nak romantik2 and do all the things that UNMARRIED COUPLES SHOULDN'T DO??

MELUAT and NAK TERMUNTAH and DEPRESSING tau tengok orang yang belum kahwin ni mengada-ngada kat each other.. A reminder for MYSELF jangan la buat camtu coz everybody would feel the same way towards me!

whatever la. EVERYBODY has the tendency to do that, cuba tanya sapa2 semua memang suka buat camtu, but.... control la sniri huu. I am getting more depressed than ever.. huuu

Alaa bidzikrillah tathmainnal quluub..

I clerked a patient who had schizophrenia. I am having an internal debate of whether i should consult Dr Nora the psychiatrist..

oopsss!!

Dude, I've tried my best not to brood, but I still can't shoo away the question "why I am not in the same posting with you???" Dude-Ah-Long.. -sigh- you baca doa tak before the third year came, so that we'll b posted together? -sigh for the second time-. Make sure u pray a lot so that we'll be posted together in year 5 -sigh for the third time-.. the bleak future.. huu

Oh no my pure heart is tainted once again..! by the unacceptable pornographic nude pictures in the Moore (hey it's the anatomy book!) -sigh for the fourth time- It reveals how long a period I haven't opened this book, because I almost forgot of the inappropriate pictures.. but ALHAMDULILLAH i have covered them using the yellow stick-on-notes paper.. haha hanya orang yang beriman akan buat camni =P. Anyway i do think the pics are inappropriate, some of them needn't be shown pun. Needless! -sigh for the fifith time- ok anat, i'm trying to be in "good term" with you again hehe

It is now 19:41

It is almost 3 weeks, and yet i haven't forgotten a bit..

I have just finished a bowl of mee sup and I could have sworn that the chef used perencah maggi ayam!! (oops i blow out my own secret that i eat maggi as well haha). Tak aci langsung and the mee cost me Rm3.50 huu

Today marks my 1st day of Surgery posting. After a slightly-more-than-an-hour briefing, we were informed that we have Long Case presentation w Dr JK in an hour time (which means we have to cover the patients in the whole ward, only to find out later that the class was depressingly cancelled!). But at least we have tried our best to clerk all patients despite the ample time whih was sadly wasted to entertain our blurry minds..

I am so tired, and i have promised myself to be a better student this posting (hopefully i remember the promise till the end of the posting =P), excuse me for i desperately need my beauty sleep now before i work out my poor lazy brain shortly..

Everybody, study hard k!

Hari ini aku kalah

Have you ever imagined, life is a competition, a contest, a tournament. Life is for testing our aqidah, our iman, our akhlaq. Life always provide us with choices, but the choice that we make determine whether we are the winner or the loser. Life is a never ending evaluation, 
to see how far can we endure the hardship, and how best we tackle the challenges. Life is very short, 
and eternity can only be gained in the hereafter.

This morning i was due to meet someone. I waited for almost 1 hour ( ONE HOUR!!) before she finally arrived.. i was very mad, and i lost my temper, but that placed me in the place of a MANDATORY LOSER. Astaghfirullah.. i very seldom get angry with people, but when it comes to punctuality... it really ticks me off. May Allah forgive me for what have i done today.. Sorry to anybody who was affected.. ASTAGHFIRULLAH

Men are from mars, women are from venus

I just don't know what to write, but hanging around (surfing the internet aimlessly) is not a good idea anyway.. so i end up stuck here, and make my mind think of something. But 1 thing i am sure of is..i blame myself because i did something which i shouldn't do.. watching a friend's wedding photo! That is so forbidden!

Before the hol, i managed to borrow a book from a friend- Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I just know, it is so unbelievable for me to read that book, i can't believe it myself -pheww-. And i skipped many parts -again, i am not enthusiastic the least in reading motivational books, no different from reading a novel- but Alhamdulillah.. from my 'scanning' (i just scanned the book to be truthful), i learnt that men are so different from women (a fact that everybody has known huu).

My review of this book-If you are not so keen in this matter or you just don't bother to change yourself or understand others, just forget about the book, it would be very boring (motivational books are always boring btw!!). If you are determined in acquiring communication skills between men(martian)  and women (venusian), first you have to understand the differences that they have. Of course, you can learn some of the differences from this book. BUT if you have the intention of MANIPULATING the opposite gender, boil this book in a broth 
and drink it! Or tadabbur each word contained in it. You'll definitely succeed gee.

To conclude, it is not a waste of time to read it, but on the other hand.......... read it yourself, only then you'll know. In the meantime, i'm searching for a new book.
1 thing for sure, I have to make my future husband read this =P

Arghh arghhhh!!

I am emotional when I watched Soleha- if you heve never heard of Soleha, it is an Indonesian movie which Ummi extremley loves watching. Kononnya nak potray a religious muslimah, Soleha who wears hijab and practise Islamic teaching BUT date his boyfriend and after that his fiance till late at night. Soleha is engaged to a man named Erfan after she thought her previous boyfriend had died. It turned out to be that her previous boyfriend was not dead, and turned out to be that Ervan and Rendra are brothers. Rendra was the real son of their parents while Ervan was an adoppted child. So you see the awkwardness tha exist between Soleha, Ervan and Rendra. And in today's episode, Rendra wanted to give a present to Soleha, but alhamdulillah she rejected it. She went out with Rendra, she did many things with Rendra and expected Ervan to not be jealous of that!! Fuhh geramnya. It shows of how shallow the knowledge of Muslim today regarding Islam itself. Islam is not hijab ONLY. Islam has outlined every single thing up to tiniest matter.

A women should take care of herself to prevent fitnah. What more if they are someone else's fiancee or wife. No wonder la nowadays divorce occurs rampantly.. because muslimaat are no more sensitive regarding this issue.. Fuhh geramnya!!

Ampang Medikal

Yesterday I was extremely unfortunate to be given the chance to watch Ampang Medikal. Initially Abah changed the tv channel and accidentally arrived at that particular programme. He quickly changed it again, and made faces, while saying "Ni cerita Grey's Anatomy ni". I was curious.. a Malaysian Grey's Anatomy? Then instinctively I changed back, to inspect the Malaysian Grey's Anatomy.. and it turned out to be Ampang Medikal. Oh yeah.. the second Medical Movie by Malaysian.. The first one was of course unnegligible, pathetic TOTAL failure. I am talking about cinta medik here. It spread the idea that medical students do 
nothing other than taking care of their love lives and scandals all the time (I say: How I  would love to do that!!. -while rolling my eyeballs upward, but hey I am not having seizure, though I had history of febrile 
fit when i was small). It was rubbish, I should say.
Ampang medikal is next. Quite interested, i took a more comfortable position in front of the big screen, only to experience an overwhelming disappointment few minutes later.. when i realized it was not different from cinta medik at all!!! How pathehtic. Well they shouldn't be called doctors, but lovebirds disguised in white coats huu. No wonder Abah despised that movie soo much..

Can't they at least produce something near to House M.D? Yeah everybody says something that sounds like "Oh cerita Dr gile ni ke?" but at least I learn many things from this movie, the main bulk of the story is the case. And at least i learnt that causes of anion gap acidosis are MUDPILES, and that pancreatic cyst can be caused by gallstone, or Cushing disease presented with truncal obesity, hypertension etc rather than "Kami nak 
pindahkan pak cik ni ke ICU kerana bimbang keadaannya menjadi semakin kritikal" Huu

What is...?

What is more calming than sinking yourself in the beauty of Quranic recitation?
What is more inspiring than reading His promises for those who devote their life to Him?
What is more motivating than knowing that life doesn't end here, and everything we do today will be paid in the hereafter?
What is more relieving than understanding that His mercy and love are overwhelming?
What is more scarying than acknowledging His adzab is very severe?

Movie marathon

i tried to read the Browse textbook, but without any intention i fell asleep for 2.5 hours pheww from 1.30pm to 4pm, MasyaAllah!! And since sleeping was like entering a cinema, i have to admit that i accidentally  i watched few movies this afternoon huu. One of them was a repeated movie, and few others were new to me.. in OBVIOUS words..i had few dreams this afternoon, and frankly, one of them was a dream that i had before this. It was repeated! 
Hmm tulah tido lama sgt..

I dreamt of a patient whom i had met in the hospital. He actually had Protein-Losing Enteropathy but in my dream, he had HIV positive.. It was such a sad dream and it proved that I miss going to the hospital.. And in the same story, I was bringing my mum to the hospital to visit a relative, my mum was fragile and old, and i did my duty as a good daughter, protecting her and such.. which made me feel sad when i woke up, because i don't know whether i will do that in the future..
Would I be able to allocate a part of my timetable for her in the setting of my hectic life as a doctor..Would i be able to take care of her just like the way she took care of me when i was small? Would i be able to be by her side when she needs me most, just like her presence by my side when i  need support and a friend? Ya Allah help me to be a good daughter..

I did not plan to go back home after the examination, but suddenly there was an urge.. an inner voice which forced me to re-think.. that i should be by my parents' sides while i still have the chance, the space, the time..

Do appreciate your parents and treat them as nice as possible =)

Extra rajin

I have just arrived home at 6pm today. At 8pm, I had already browse the Browse's surgical textbook huu. It was not because I was an extremely hardworking student, but because i was 
overwhelmed by the guilt of not doing my best in the last block.. And now I am suffering from anxiety while waiting for the exam result to be ready.. 

I feel like something is swimming right in front of my eyes.. or probably in the vitreous humour of my eyes- that clearly explains what i am experiencing. It is now past 12am.. but when i know that there won't be any wardwork or class tomorrow, it feels like a waste to spend my night time sleeping... so much can be done huuu

BUT really i can't stand it anymore.. extreme sleepiness. Browse, we'll date again tomorrow insyaAllah =)

Examination

Today, ALHAMDULILLAH i anchored my ship at a new point charted on my navigation map- I had my first clinical examination! Ok I may sound like a a hopeless brat, sorry about that but it really meant something big to me.. Alhamdulillah.
Ok the exam was like this, today we were divided into 3 groups. The first group would start their session at 11.30am, 2nd group at 12pm and the third group at 12.30pm. Being such an unsensible don't-steal-my-parking-space sissy, i have to confess that i headed for the hospital at 7am when actually i was scheduled to start at 12.30pm- I was in the 3rd group. It's not a joke, it is extra-unimaginable-stress to find a parking space near the hospital nowadays -sigh-
Carrying the heavy load of anxiety in my chest (I should just be thankful to Allah that it didn't produce any precordial bulging or displace my apex beat), I headed to the ward with Mimi -one of my best buddy =)- repeating along the way how to do a Central Nervous System examination, we were exactly acting like 2 parrots.. and to acknowledge that in Malay parrots are called Kakak Tua -gosh, we were like 2 ancient sisters-
I guess everybody was anxious, proven by a phone call which i received from a friend, who asked me how to clerk an asthma case. Well you see in the last precious minutes, the normal feeling is.. suddenly an extremely efficient vacuum cleaner has sucked and cleared everything from our mind. I guess if we percuss the brain, the normal result is hyperresonance huuu
But i was at least relieved by the fact that my turn would be 4 hours away.. so i had around 240 minutes to prepare.. and to sulk. It was not a mystery anyway when we arrived in the ward, none of the 3rd year medical students was around, it was still to early. And we actually took the opportunity to smack each other (whoaa!! actually we tried to find deep tendon reflex in each other hehe) for uncountable times! What a joke hehe
Not much later, a friend arrived.. and few others.. so you can just imagine when someone asked "Crept is heard during which phase? Inspiratory or expiratory?" It was answered by this, "Should we do a complete abdominal examination if we are asked to do haematological system examination?", or when someone asked "Apa finding dalam meningitis?", it was answered by exclamation of "Ya Allah, tak baca langsung pasal HIV" etc. And out of nowhere someone religiously recited the components of Glasgow coma scale, BUT OF COURSE the popular choosen words were: Cuak, Takut, Berdebar, Ketaq etc..-SIGH-
Suddenly the door of the was opened, and... Dr Wahab (our head of pediatric department, our lecturer) made his holy appearance. It was SOO HOLY that an aura of paroxysmal panic spread into the room and diffused through our skins and directly to visceras especially the heart and intestine..because it did produce a symptom of palpitation, tachycardia, shortness of breath, and abdominal cramp.. they call it psychosomatic pain. If anyone just can't imagine the situation, ask Harry Potter regarding his experiences while encountering the dementors and being offered death kisses, or when encountering hollows in Bleach.. i am more than sure the experience is exactly the same huu.
And suddenly Dr wahab told us all to start the exam, despite our group designation. I was about to drop dead on the floor, but at least the remain of strong-will forced me to gather myself up and just brave any obstacles that awaits.. just like a macho warrior, off to the battlefield hahaha.
But alhamdulillah 4 of us was assigned to patients in the same cubicle, and we actually discussed regarding our case! It was not different from the daily ward activity, everybody was talking to each other.. and of course i helped myself to the patient's folder, and brushed my skill in copying the vital signs and anthropometric meaurements haha. Those who were a bit unlucky, they had to do all that by theirselves..

I can't find the right words to describe how grateful I am..because i won't be feeling relieved if only Allah hasn't helped me in the examination. I can assure that i got a simple case (febrile fit), a cooperative patient (2 year old boy who was very active and obey commands and CUTE!), and a lenient lecturer (Prof Aye Aye who helped me a lot throughout my presentation, and smiled to make me feel relax perhaps though I know that many a times i made mistakes). Then the rest was depending on whether I have studied or not (which i do not dare to comment.. due to the hopeless syndrome crisis which i got before the exam).. and of course taqdir. Allah knows what is best for me.

To think that the mother of my patient told me what the doctor has told her..
Mum: Doktor kata tonsil dia bengkak, merah
Me (dalam hati): Good, now i don't have to find the reason for fever
Mum: Ha ni bengkak ni (while showing towards the left submandibular lymphadenopathy measuring 1 cm x 1 cm)
Me (dalam hati): Ya Allah, excellent! Probably i would have missed the lymphadenopathy if she hadn't mentioned it earlier
SUBHANALLAH ALLAHUAKBAR WALILLAHILHAMD

For the short case, I had to comment a Down Syndrome patient to Dr Siti Noor. A very sweet and nice Dr, but very intelligent also which made me feel very inferior to her hehe. It should be an easy case, but as i was experiencing absence seizure at that time, i kind of zoom out huu. And the fact that i was asked regarding the anatomy of hands (i don't even remember the middle phalanges exist!!!!) did not help at all! Worst was I had a facial muscle cramp which started when I was smiling, and obviously that resulted in me smiling throughout the short case even when Dr said (Do you want to go back to year 1 and learn anatomy?" OMG, i am very sure it looked like a pasted smile but what to do.. everything was over.. But alhamdulillah ala kulli hal..

Special thanks to MIMI, Ghaus, Salam and Afiq who helped me to relax during the clerking phase (by showing that you all were cuak too and made me realize i was not the only candidate who menggelabah tahap extreme huu), and who helped me to relax before the presentation by entertaining my killer question of "How can we rule out meningitis?" Jazakumullah.

Is this a personal blog??..

Somebody make me think, is this a personal blog? Is it meant for myself only? Aren't other people welcomed to browse and scan and read it? Ok, back to basic, the 1st hadith in 40 hadith compiled by Imam Nawawi- It is regarding intention. Niat.

Innama al'a3maalu binniyati, wa innama likullim ri im ma nawa..

Indeed a deed is repaid by the intention of doing it, and indeed for every single thing, i according to what we have earlier intentionalized..

And what was and is my intention of writing this blog? We write to express, we write to convey, we write to share.. And i hope I can share anything 
good with the readers, in the most relaxing way, but along the way I keep succumbing to the downside of human nature and a spectrum of unpredictable roller coaster emotions.. which of course affect my writing. And give birth to the extreme guilt which I am experiencing whenever anybody read this hehe. Well, you see that is life. You are tested by Him, you stumble, but you recollect your strength, stand up and move on. That is how each of us learn..=) Life is so intricate, delicate and wonderful.. rght? I just can't stop myself from feeling awed by all these wonders bestowed upon us absolutely by Allah

Truth is, anybody is Most Welcomed to read this blog IF ONLY he/she can stand all the grumpiness and negativism which i have excellently stored in this page. My advise is, do choose whatever is good for you, and filter out whatever 
irrelevant stuffs in this blog.

I am not perfect, I am not wise, I am not great, I am just a backstreet lady who has nothing to offer, except for concern and care as ur ukhti fil Islam insyaAllah =)

Dear readers

Dear readers, this is a personal blog about personal issues, concerns, experiences, feelings and doings which don't help other people (at least), but you are welcome to read it since it is already a public blog that's not restricted to a certified reader. However, if you find anything good in it, then pray to Allah that He rewards me for it and pray that you may benefit from it as well. If on the other hand, you find some desestable articles, commentaries (etc), then point it out as a concerned Muslim so that we correct each other in the spirit of Islam and enjoining good. =)

Thanks ukhti =)

An achievement which I should immortalize in my very own The Most Impossible Book of Stale Record- I actually managed to stay up late last night and wake up early this morning just to complete the past year exam questions!!!! Thanks to a great comrade who managed to make 
me feel obliged to sweat it out hehe. Alhamdulillah, but in the most regret tone, I have to meekly 
make a non-apologizable confession to her, that I slept straightaway after her 'holy departure' from my room =P It's the qishas system- sleep deprivation should only be compensated with sleep.

To be very truthful, I miss going to the ward and tire myself to listlessness with GCS of 3 huuu..

Case Report from X Files

Known case of
1.Chronic depression
2.Complex Brain Wiring Disease
3.Severe Anomalous Perception
4.Persistent cardiopathy, resistant to treatment

Chief complain:
Chronic sleep for.... day duration + personality changes for... day duartion

History of Presenting Illness:

Hearing inner voices telling her to get her beauty sleep and probably acquire hints for the exam in her dream as well
Having illusion- misinterpret her laptop as probably a cake with white frosting which should be delicious to sink the teeth into, or joyous for the intestinal villi to do overtime work of absorbing all the electrical calories

With hepatomegaly, I would like to make a provisional diagnosis of this patient:
Paroxysmal Never-mentioned-before Hopeless Syndrome

Cuak sangat.

i was waiting for the bus from the hospital to my college. when suddenly an uncle walked passed me. out of the blue, he asked me what was i doing, whether i was waiting for the bus. i actually stammered when i said "a'ah". "Student UIA ke?" Still blurry, i nodded. "Bila lagi nak kahwin?" Disoriented. "Kahwin la cepat. Banyak2kan baca surah Maryam ye" He smiled and went away.

Dan ku yang masih tercengang-cengang dan tak terkata-kata lagi.. terus tertengok je pak cik tu berlalu pergi. And i wasted no time to look at myself, "Is there anything wrong with me? Rasa macam tengah duduk dengan baik je at the bus stand." Memang cuak sangat, i thought i forgot to wear my tudung etc. Huh.. ada juga manusia camni..

I'm in no mood

It was a tiring day, a day-journey to PPUM to visit a friend who was admitted to the ward. Of course, I took the chance to go back home just for a while. But indeed, it was very worthwhile =) a dear friend whom i haven't met since 3 long years ago (since we graduated from matric perhaps??), which make i ponder again and again, there is a blessing in being ill, but of course that doesn't mean i want all my friends to fall ill so that i can go and visit them hmm.

We were very worried when we received the sms, informing of his hospital admission. And hesitated no more, to make a trip to PPUM. To be very truthful, when we saw the smile on his face, and the fact that he could still joke around chatting away cheerily about his condition, it washed away the worriness. But of course, apa yang tersembunyi di hati, tiada siapa yang mengerti, melainkan Allah s.w.t..

A post which i dedicate to Farid, may you get well soon. We (S3) really hope you will be strong in facing this trial from Allah. And may you always realize you are tried because Allah loves you. And may you always be aware that we are behind you, hoping to offer you support in anyway possible insyaAllah =)

Atas Nama Cinta

Atas Nama Cinta
Album : Tika Itu
Munsyid : UNIC

Tika mata
Diuji manisnya senyuman
Terpamit rasa menyubur harapan

Dan seketika
Terlontar ke dunia khayalan
Hingga terlupa singkat perjalanan
Tersedar aku dari terlena
Dibuai lembut belaian cinta

Rela aku pendamkan
Impian yang tersimpan
Enggan ku keasyikan
Gusar keindahannya
Merampas rasa cinta
Pada Dia yang lebih sempuna

Bukan mudah
Bernafas dalam jiwa hamba
Dan ku cuba
Menghindarkan pesona maya
Kerna tak upaya ku hadapinya
Andai murka-Nya menghukum leka

Diatas nama cinta
Pada yang selayaknya
Kunafikan yang fana
Moga dalam hitungan
Setiap pengorbanan
Agar disuluh cahaya redha-Nya


Biar sendiri hingga hujung nyawa
Asal tak sepi dari kasih-Nya
Kerna sesungguhnya hakikat cinta
Hanya Dia yang Esa

Saratkan hati ini dengan cinta hakiki
Sehingga ku rasai
Nikmat-Nya
Syurga-Nya
Cinta-Nya

I am more than sure!

I am more than sure that i have lose weight! Weight loss?? hmm =P Anybody who intends to lose weight, don't bother to buy diet pills or attend slimming sessions in Marie france body line, just tire yourself out for example walk to and fro in the ward (tips for medical student haha), u'll be even skinnier than a stick! (exaggerating =p)

My messy mind

Finally i have the time to laze around in this imaginary & unrealistic world, surfing the global waves in the sea of identification-searching accounts.. just name it- friendster, facebook, my space and the list continues to unroll a very long parchment -sigh- Gosh! we are insiduously being digitalized!! Nevertheless, it manages to make me forget -just for a while- that examination is just a week away (WHAT??). And please excuse me if i am bestowed with amnesia or alzheimer, because i just can't remember what have i done the whole block! At least i am still a bit orientated to realize that i'm now in paediatric posting.. and a very faraway memory hints that once i have been in temerloh hospital -sigh- feel like i cannot do a simple thing as simple as obeying the command "Do CVS examination" or "describe the patient" (the patient is a Down Syndrome pt). Please don't bother when i politely ask for a simple favour, "Allow me to brood" huuu. I should be working harder, shouldn't I? Because never in history, a warrior in the cause of Allah marched to the battlefield and gain glory the easy way. The key is: Work Hard and leave everything to Allah after that. Tawakkal. And I can never tawakkal until i believe i have done my best (which of course i still haven't achieved yet huuu).

Medical student?

Easy way to make pizza!

Actually da takde kerja sangat (since everybody else is very busy visiting relatives and my siblings are also extremely busy visiting Low Yat, i decided to make pizza on the 2nd day of syawal. What a way to spend raya day =P

My eidulfitr

what does eidulfitr mean to me?

a quiet holiday?
an ending to ramadhan?

a spent my 1st day of raya doing nothing other than reading, chatting with my parents and siblings, watching tv, surfing internet, munching on raya cookies which we made ourselves, trying out new cake recipes and sleeping.. hmm when almost everybody was very busy attending open houses and visiting relatives..

pathetic huh? mcm takde sedare je huu. indeed raya is always a quiet holiday for us, but at times, 
i do feel that something is missing- merriness of a big family gathering..  especially when you feel neglected by others who were busy with their eidulfitr agendas- 
the list of houses which they have to visit, the numerous open-house which await them....  abah had to work even on the 1st day of raya.. tak bestnye nak g berjalan without him.. -sigh-

My advise: best jugak raya kat umah ni, takla penat sangat =P