Bila diuji

Yesterday when the depression was at the peak, I read a book with the title "Wanita dirindui syurga'. It's a history book, telling us about the great women in Islamic history including Khadijah Khuwailid, Fatimah bintu Muhammad, Asiyah Muzahim and Maryam bt Imran.

I have read those stories numerous times, but one need to refresh every now and then because each time, it brings new motivation. I was so attracted to the tale of Maryam bintu Imran, who gave birth to Prophet Isa alone, and really alone.. tabahnye... me yg ade suami hardworking ni pun tak bersyukur lagi (T_T)

When we are being tested, then only we know where do our iman stand

When we are being tested, we fall then only we know how to stand up again..

And for this..chaiyok Maryam al Batul Azizuddin!!! Be a strong mommy, be a strong muslimah!

Is it true?

Is it true that all pregnant ladies feel this way? Depressed. Because I am. At times I feel like cutting open my abdomen, take out the stomach and do a cryo on 90% of the parietal cells. At times I feel like surrendering myself to Mr Kyaw to do vagotomy of the stomach. At times I just want to thrush my hand down my throat and take out whatever is left in the gut so that I don't need to endure the nausea and vomiting

Last night I had that dream again. I dreamt that I deliver a healthy baby. Hah, lady, 7 more months to go! That was nice when compared to a dream that I had before.. I dreamt that I put my own hand into the womb to take out the baby at 4 months of gestation. Euwww that's weird and gross.

I try to uncover the reason why I feel this way. Probably because I feel so helpless and so in pain. But isn't that Allah's way to expiate my sins? Or because I can't stand looking at abang.. how he tries so hard to help me go through this, and yet I'm unable to give him anything? But isn't that Allah's way to purify his soul?

I don't know whether all 1st timer mommies feel traumatized to go through another pregnancy (but end up having 10 kids later on huuu) but I currently am. I said to abang, we should adopt after this. Apekah?????? He said it is not the same as having our own kids, I said yes but he doesn't know how extremely terrible this is for me... kejamnya aku berkata begitu, when Abang doesn't sleep when I can't sleep, when he is always by my side going through the vomiting episodes, when he continuously massage me even when I'm asleep, when he runs to and fro to grab my needs, when he is ever ready to spend on our baby, always agreeing to my request to go shopping

Hari ini abang merajuk.. pasti kerana lelahnya dia menguruskan aku dan pemberiannya yang tidak dibalasi,

abang,

sungguh padaku tiada ego yang tersisa melainkan runtunnya jiwa melihat keadaanmu. Aku bukan sahaja tidak mampu memberikan haq selayaknya diterima seorang suami malahan terus-terusan meminta agar kehendakku dipenuhi. Namun kerana lemahnya diri ini aku hanya mampu menangisi

abang maafkan...

aku cuba untuk membina janji bahwa semua ini sementara cuma..

Kalaulah abang tertanya-tanya apakah aku masih ingat kisah yg pernah abang ceritakan dulu.. sahabatnya pernah mengadukan bahawa isterinya tidak mampu melayaninya sepanjang 9 bulan mengandungkan anak pertama mereka..dan abang pernah menyatakan kebimbangan bahawa perkara yang sama akan berlaku kepada kita..sungguh tanpa ragu2 aku akan menjawab, tidak pernah kulupa kisah itu walau sepatah, sehinggakan jika abang mahu, aku mampu menceritakan kembali kepadamu sebaik penceritaanmu.. maafkan jika itu yang abang rasakan sekarang.. rumah abang yang tak mampu dikemas, dapur abang yang bukan sahaja tidak berasap malah tidak mampu aku uruskan, pakaian abang yang langsung tidak ku sentuh, diriku sendiri yang tidak terurus dan tidak berhias, malah dalam kekalutan abang untuk ke kelas, abang masih sibuk menyediakan segala keperluanku... abang, maafkan... dan dalam rajuk2 abang, abang tak lupa untuk setiap kali pulang membawa air kotak chocolate yg ayang suka sangat minum..terima kasih, abang..

Untuk abang...sajak ini ayang hadiahkan untuk abang meski bukan ayang yang mengarangnya..

Suamiku

Maaf di atas keluh dan resah
Aku tewas di medan jiwa ku
Kerna aku baru belajar
Belajar menjadi seorang mujahidah

Namun gagalku sementara cuma
Itulah iman dengan seribu gelombangnya
Kugagahi segala dengan doa dan cita

Kata-kataku mungkin hambar
Ia sekadar cerita hidupku
Isteri sepi menagih simpati
Agar dunia tahu dan restu

Pesan dari teman yang dikenali
”Wanita itu rusuknya bengkok
Luruskan..berhati-hati
Bertegas..jangan keras
Berlembut..jangan sampai reput”
Itulah hakikat seorang isteri

Suamiku
Suka duka, tangis ria
Resepi hidup kita selamanya

Suamiku
Kupohon sabar darimu
Agar aku redup di bawah payungmu
Agar aku terang di bawah sinarmu
Agar aku mekar di dalam cintamu

Pergilah suamiku
Medan itu lebar dan luas
Engkau mujahid untuk semua
Kan kuiringkan doa dan cinta
Agar syurga Allah diberi balas

Tenang dirimu dalam doaku
Tenang diriku dalam cintamu..

UMMUSAIF.COM
9 Februari 2008

MAAFKANKU WAHAI SUAMIKadang-kadang aku rasa akulah
Isteri yang terlalu banyak menerima
Sedangkan engkau tak pernah meminta

Kadang-kadang aku rasa
Akulah isteri yang baru terjaga
Sedangkan engkau tak pernah terlena

Kadang-kadang ku bersuara tanpa berfikir
semua perkataan ku menjadi salah
Datanglah ke sini dan pegang tangan ku
Sementara ku cerita kehidupan isteri
Harap dimengerti

Kadang-kadang ku sakiti hati mu
Bila ku tolak sentuhan mu
Bukan bermaksud aku kurang menyayangi mu…
Namun cabaran terlalu

Kadang-kadang aku berubah pada pandangan mu
Tapi sayang, itu tidak benar
Tiada apa yang paling ku hargai
Daripada kehidupan manis bersama mu

Kadang-kadang ku fikir sejuta tahun
Adalah terlalu singkat
Hanya ku beritahu mu betapa sayangnya aku
Betapa syukurnya aku…
kau pelindung ku

Kadang-kadang berjauhan dengan mu
Akulah isteri yang terlalu tinggi bercita-cita…
Mencipta kerukunan keluarga
Namun aku tetap aku yang ini…
Maafkan aku wahai suami!

Ust Pahrol Mohd Juoi

Really, setahun dah??

Today is 28th June 2010, and our marriage is 1 year and 1 day old alhamdulillah :) We celebrated by doing some shopping for our little one :) and nothing else. I'm really much better that abang has started to question whether it is really pregnancy sickness or is it homesickness haha. But yesterday when I felt so healthy, I made cucur, siap 2 perisa- lemak manis and cucur bawang masin, and melantak dengan sangat banyak, but i ended having a very bad night, with the abdominal pain and bloating and nausea. I am on strict diet, avoiding gas-producing food and sad to say cucur is one of them that I should avoid huu.

After taking antacid 4 times daily, for 1 month straight, I had constipation as the side effect. I became so enthusiastic to buy fruits to overcome it, and ended buying a watermelon, a melon and others. Being such lazy bummers (abang and me), none of us offered ourselves to nicely cut them, so we ate it like a couple of tarzans..korek guna sudu je haa.

6 more days before my flight back to Malaysia.. hati semakin berbunga-bunga untuk pulang jumpa orang2 tersayang di Malaysia..and rasa sedih sikit2 nak tinggalkan abang hehehe

Abang sure will be missing me much (kan abang kan?? :p)..especially keluhan dan tangisan sakit diwaktu malam, berlari kesana sini untuk penuhi permintaan mommy yg ngada2ni (especially beratur kat kaunter KFC tu haha).. bau minyak yuyi yang sentiasa memenuhi bilik abang, biscuit crumbs yang bersepah2 atas katil and carpet sebab mommy asyik munch on biscuit je sampai tertidur2, bancuh air teh entah berapa ratus kali sehari utk isteri kesakitan, bunyi org muntah2 dan berlari2 ke toilet, ubat-ubatan yang berterabur satu bilik... abang surely is going to miss all those :D

Utk abang, sempena ulang tahun perkahwinan kita, I have nothing to give but a never ending love insyaAllah, really we have laughed and we have cried together for the past 1 year, but every second with you spells h.a.p.p.i.n.e.s.s :) I love you so much, sayang! 1 year and counting :DDDD

Baby lagi

Today I feel happy, today I feel healthy :DDD alhamdulillah. For the first time...in 4 weeks..I managed to sleep last night (although I had to go through an NV episode around maghrib first) alhamdulillah again :D The background nausea is still there, the background pain is still there but hey after 4 nightmarish weeks of sickness, that should be more than tolerable! Tomorrow baby'll be 8 week old :D I just hope that I'll be able to cope the long flight back to Malaysia when baby is 9 week old (that's approaching the end of 1st trim, and really I hope I'll be better). Pressure in the flight is low, and I am continuously praying that the gas in my gut won't expand too much huuu

The pain is actually abdominal bloating, that every single night (it is worst during the night), I thought I'd either float in the air (due to the excessive EXCESSIVE gas in my gut, turning me into a balloon) or my gut would burst open, and I wasn't sure which one was better haha.

Really I should apologize to the readers for writing such gross things but oh-well I intend to capture every second of my life into something which can be read again and again later. Baby should read this also hehe, but my most sincere apology is being extended to you guys :p

I guess my hemoglobin is dropping to a significantly low level (now I really want to measure it huuu), and probably the blood pressure as well as the palpitation is getting worst, nak jemur kain pun termengah-mengah. Astaghfirullah, apelah nasib baby huu. The thing is I can't take the supplement especially the iron + folic acid, I'd be vomiting it out in minutes. It tastes really bad. Really can't wait to do my first antenatal checkup in Malaysia, because I want to scan again (^_^), tgk baby lagi hehe. as for me, the 1st trim is not the time to cherish the pregnancy, as sometimes the sickness is so bad that I am more depressed than happy huu. Sometimes abang ask, "Sape yang ngada2 ni? Ayang ke baby?", and I cruelly answered, "Baby yang ngada-ngada" Haha mommy against baby! Really looking forward having a healthy baby who can kick my tummy and respond hikhik, and when I enter the 3rd trim, and I can't see my own two feet I'll start complaining again and hope for the baby to come out asap :) Despite all those complains, baby is one of the best gift that Allah gives to me and abang alhamdulillah :)

Guess WHAT???

Last night I was sick as usual. I ate an apple at 2pm, and I vomited them out (only half digested) at 12am!! See how slow my gut was, the apple stayed in my stomach for 10 hours!! Siap muntah berperisa apple lagi huu

Last night I asked abang to buy me KFC chicken & twister (again uarghhh sehinggakan abang risau takut baby tak cukup zat when mommy eats fast food all the time huu). Abang came back at around 11pm..with the food and something else..

He handed me that 'something else' and said while smiling "Ni untuk ayang", I was in such an ugly mood that I pushed that thing away without even looking at it, the pain was quite unbearable plus the NV. He then handed me the food, I took a bite of the twister (which I immediately vomited out), and abang prepared a glass of hot tea which usually relieves the nausea partially. After the vomiting and diarrhea episode, I took few sips of the hot tea and straight away went to sleep.

Alhamdulillah it was a solid sleep until Subh, when I started having diarrhea and vomiting again after performing my prayer. But that was short, and after that I managed to finish my twister alhamdulillah :) And currently feeling very healthy that I have suggested that we go out for shopping this weekend gah (^_^)

I sat alone in front of the laptop, when I noticed something yellow... and it is actually the 'something else' which I pushed away last night. Guess what???? A set of light yellow hat/ booties/ and mittens!!!! TERSANGAT COMELLL gambar jungle with cute cartoons of giraffe, lion, bird, elephant and crocodile hehehe.

I woke abang up, telling him, "Abang COMELLLLL!!!!!!" I just couldn't feel enough staring at them, huu serious tersangat comel. Abang kata, "Tulah, semalam abang bagi, ayang taknak. Itu Aliaa hadiahkan"

Aliaa, you're such an adorable aunty hehe!!! The first aunt to buy something for baby hehehe. Thanks aliaa :D

Baby is only 7.5 weeks old (3 more days to enter the 8th week) and yet we have started buying things for him ngeee. I'm still out of the complacence area (not until baby is at least 6 months old huu), but I can't resist the temptation to shop for him huuu. If we were to rank the most excited person with regards to baby's arrival, then I'd be on top of the list haha. Guess what?? We have started buying him clothes before I even knew I was pregnant!!!! Although most of the times we are attracted to the sweet pink clothes, we still buy the universal coloured clothes.. mana tau it's a boy??! Hmm... insyaAllah weekend ni nak beli sket brg2 baby before I go back home.

Again, thanks aunty Aliaa (girl, you are an aunt ok, bukan kakak lagi :p)

His ''promise'' [haha] which I like most now is... "I think it's enough for us to have just one child..kesian abang tengok ayang ni..." I don't know whether he was trying to soothe me or what, but I think I'll feel enough with just a baby insyaAllah :)

I hate it when I'm nasty especially to abang. I really hate it when I can see the pain in his eyes to bear with me. I really hate it when I can't even control my own physical and emotional strength.. And due to that, currently I want to be far far far away from him until I'm all done with the pregnancy, just to avoid hurting him. Pregnancy is indeed a test. It tests my patience, abang's patience.. it tests our iman. It tests our relationship and how far we manage to sacrifice for each other..

I have improved a lot, really I have. But I still can't tolerate most food. My greatest achievement so far ehehe- I prepared nasi maglubah for abang and his friends yesterday.. but I couldn't eat it myself anyway. Abang minta aku suapkan, I said makan sendiri (jahatnye huuu) sebab I can't stand the smell. Abang kissed my cheek and I cried because his smell induced the nausea. Today I cook chicken curry with potatoes, it smells really tasty but when I tried to eat the chicken, i Just felt like vomiting so I eat the potato only. But when I'm sick, I cried to him, lapar pun ngadu kat abang jugak... moga baby dilindungi dari jadi mengada-ngada macam mommy huu

I'm really looking forward the days when I can laugh and smile with abang again, when I can stop frowning and snapping at people, when I can be cheeky with my baby, when I can treat abang as how he should be treated- like a king and make him happy... when I can enjoy all the wonderful things in life, when I can be a grateful and grateful servant of Him... may Allah help me go through this smoothly huuu

Jordan tour Part 2

On the second day, we went to Mu'tah, performed our prayer in the Mu'tah Univ Mosque, visited the battlefield (again I stayed in the MPV huu), the 2 mosques (Syuhada Awal and Syuhada Thani) which were erected in the memorial of Syuhada in Mutah Battle. We then continued to Wadi Musa and finally to Aqabah. Aqabah is the place for duty-free shopping (it's the Langkawi of Jordan). In Aqabah, they have the Red Sea (the sea where Prophet Musa's enemy were drowned when the sea splitted into two). It is also the junction of 4 countries- Palestine, Jordan, Mesir and Saudi Arabia. I could see Palestine very close. Aqabah is very lively during the night and they have this Cinderella-horse carriage!!! (macam beca kat melaka). Sadly, an accident happened that night, one of the horse carriages was involved in an accident with a car, and the horse died. I didn't have the strength to shop, so we booked in a hotel and slept. By then the vomiting was quite in control as I took the med regularly.

But the next morning, I started vomiting again. I notice that my nausea vomiting are due to excessive gastric acid (which happens to be excessively secreted by the stomach, I wonder why), so when i control my gastritis, I control the NV. Many times, I had nothing left in my stomach but I vomited out thick acid and that relieved me. The problem is, the gastritis couldnt be controlled even with Omeprazole, antacid etc huuu...

Every time after I vomit, I'd feel very weak and I need something to eat. The problem throughout is, I can't eat any arabic food at all, or the vomiting will be even more severe. So abang had to buy me fast food everyday huuu (walaupun abang selalu tension bila beli makanan cthnya ayam KFC, aku mkn 1-2 cubitan, and lepastu dia kena habiskan semuanya huuu). That morning we were busy to start the journey early, but abang bersusah payah nak carikan my meal. Pergi Burger King, Popeye semua tutup, and will only start their biz at 11.. so I ended eating McDonald (which I boycott, but that was desperate huu)

We went to Petra (but I huffed and puffed and managed to walk only up to the entrance huuu), then we went home, arriving at 2am. Mcm2 pengalaman, siap ada kwn abang yg tersesat jalan (they drive their own car, and followed abang), ada jalan tutup and kami semua sesat etc...

Not much pics anyway, I was not well, and I plan to come again (that's if I'm interested by the way) with Ameer next time insyaAllah, and tell him all the majestic seerah of the Prophets.. insyaAllah :)

Today, home sweet home. I still vomit, but my appetite is getting better, I still take the meds continuously huu, and I plan to cook something for abang's friends insyaAllah (a farewell treat?? haha)

Jordan tour- Part 1

Alhamdulillah mommy and daddy's baby is now 7 weeks old :) Alhamdulillah. We have just came back from a weekend trip touring Jordan.

On wednesday, a group of abang's friend from Syria arrived. The plan, made almost 1.5 months ago was to bring me and his friends touring Jordan, that was long before we knew baby has arrived into our lives. That was long before we knew I would become so sick. Suddenly there was last minute change of plan. A family of abang's batchmate arrived in Jordan for their holiday, and she requested that abang became the tour guide + driver for her family. Abang was more than reluctant, because I was then so sick, and he tried his best to find another friend who could take his place as the driver but to no avail. It was a short holiday for them (a weekend before they'd start the new posting), and everybody by then preferred to rest at home or already had their own plans.

There was no other option but for abang to take the job. The issue was who would take care of me? I couldn't even prepare my own meal, and I was so sick throwing up, I prayed while sitting all the time, I couldn't sleep the whole night... as for me I was afraid to be left alone during this crucial time.. so the best alteration that he could made was for him to come back every night without staying in any hotel. It was a tough one of course. A place, Aqabah for example is a 5-hour drive from Irbid (Kl-Alor Star)..

Yang paling sedih, kwn2 abang dari Syria. Abang offered to take care of their accomodation and food as a welcome treat (they are his friends who are very close to his heart). However since their arrival until today (Wed-Thurs-Fri-Sat-Sun), the best that abang could do was to buy raw food ingredients for them, and they cooked by themselves...sgt sadis.. My case was worst..not only I couldn't cook anything for them, but the smell when they cook anything irritated my gastroinestinal tract to the most...muntah2 lagi. Sampaikan abang terpaksa letak kain2 kat celah pintu to prevent the smell from entering our room haha.

Thursday morning, abang and his friends went to the car rental office, and rented 2 cars and 1 MPV. He came back every now and then to check on my condition. I knew he was so undecided. Many times he persuaded me to join him, never mind the vomiting. I hesitated. (dia nak bawak family melancong, takkanla nak ada org muntah2 lam kete pulak) At around 12 o'clock, I got up, took my bath and prepared for Zohr prayer. I still had to pray in a sitting position at that time. Abang came back and for the last time, he persuaded. He said "mak ayah dia baik, ayang. Ayah dia kate takpe muntah2 lam kereta sebab anak dia pun ramai, dia dah biasa..Dia tak sedap hati abang tinggalkan ayang sorang2" I was crying because I felt so helpless. Without much thinking, I agreed, but I took antiemetic (anti vomiting) beforehand. I took my antacid, my ranitidine, my omeprazole, pack few fruits into the bag, as well as salty biscuits, yoghurts (which happened to be my main meal during the sickness as that was one of the few things that my GI could accept), plastic bags for vomiting, tissue and plain water, and off we went!

On the first day, we went to the Dead Sea and Ashabul Kahfi. Of course most of the time I stayed in the MPV. Another thing I think the progesterone is doing its job well causing vasodilation, inducing me to have hypotension. I have this light headedness, and I can't walk much. I also tire very easily, probably the hemoglobin level is going down as well. The mak cik was very motherly and supportive. She massaged my neck whenever I felt like vomiting, she shared her experience, she gave me many things including susu kambing as she said it's good for a pregnant women. We came back home that night...

(To be continued...)

Ummi, I love you, really I love you!!!

After almost the whole night of vomiting till near subuh this morning, continued with diarrhea until now, I desperately want to eat Kuew Teow Kung Fu and Nasi Goreng masakan panas. Desperately want :( Mintak abang tanyakan kat kawan2 dia yg terror masak, konon2 nak order, abang kata dia blur taktau nak tempah kat siapa + segan plak nak tanya.. and me, I feel like crying

Emotion is unstable lately, worst today. I'm depressed as I can't stand abang's smell (and terpaksa letak minyak mestika kat hidung bila tidur sebelah abang :((((( kesian abang huuu), rasa nak menangis bila duk kat rumah ni, tak tahan bau bilik abang, bau dapur pun nauseating, as well as bau bilik sebelah ni..depressed and depressed.. paksa abang mandi lagi huu, walaupun natural smell takkan hilang pun kalau mandi, I used to love that smell huuu T_T

Depressed when I don't get to eat what I want, rasa nak mogok dengan makanan arab huuu. Rasa nak fly balik malaysia sekarang!!! (bila kat malaysia nangis2 nak fly kat abang smule huuu). Last night I cried because the abdominal cramp was that severe (bukan tak bersabar, tetapi meminta simpati Allah agar diberikan kekuatan untuk menghadapi). But I actually regret that when abang cried too, kesian kot tgk isteri dia... Suddenly I was afraid, baby kecik hati, maka walaupun baby ni kecik sgt lg and belum dpt mengerti (dan mungkin ada telinga tapi masih belum berfungsi), aku usap2 juga perut dan pujuk baby, sambil bacakan Selawat Atasmu by Nowseeheart.. Tapi bila baca selawat ni, teringat kat kakak pulak sebab dulu kakak suka sgt selawat ni..sadisnya, everything goes wrong huuu. I said to baby, aku menangis bukan tidak ridha, malah semua symptom2 shows me that everything is well, and baby is growing well. Mungkin ini pengorbanan pertama for me as a mom, tp baru aku faham seorang ibu tidak minta dibalasi apa2..cukuplah baby nanti menjadi hamba Allah yang terlalu mengerti hakikat penciptaannya.. jadi khalifatullah yg bertaqwa ok.

Ya Allah, besarnya pengorbanan Ummi untuk mengandungkan aku dulu... Ummi, maaf kerana menjadi anak yang tidak sempurna, ketaatan yang secebis cuma, kekasaran dalam berbahasa... I'm sorry Ummi, I love you!!!

P/s: I still desperately want that Kuew Teow Kungfu (T_T)

...

I think it was expensive- a 5 minutes consultation + scan at JD 10 (RM50). Well, that's the price you pay to a consultant :( No medication, no lab test. But as I was desperate to do the scan, we tolerated :P

One thing, the Dr was very kind and informative. When I looked at the monitor, the spontaneous innocent exclamation "Oh, it's a singleton!!" came out haha. "Yes" she said laughingly. I replied, "I was expecting a twin!" (dasar tak bersyukur, Allah bagi sorang, nak dua pulak hehe)

"I'll try to find another one haha... but no, definitely it's a singleton!"

She explained in detail, occasionally saying things like, "Now look at the monitor..that's if you still remember embryology" and laughed or, "You should start taking folic acid. Hold on the Pregnacare until 12th week. Folic acid is for the neural tube formation..if you still remember your drug. Do you still remember?" she laughed again

I think she was a lecturer haha who understands medical students amnestic syndrome (haha again) and I manage to give a feeble (ala malu tersipu2) laugh

Enough for the day, and here comes the ugly wave of NV again...

1st scan

I had my first scan :) And baby has been residing cosily in mommy's tummy for 6 weeks Alhamdulillah :) I went to an O&G clinic of Dr. Lina Halbouni, unfortunately they have this strict no-man land in the clinic, so abang was not permitted to be with me. Obviously he missed the wonderful chance to look at our baby hehe. I'll try to obtain an image when I do the scan in Malaysia. Please pray for the well being of mommy and baby :)

I complaint to the doc of my severe GI symptoms especially during the night (I say it's severe as I couldn't sleep the whole night, so was abang huuu). She said it was normal and suggested that I adopt herbal medicine such as drinking green tea rather than taking medication. I'm thinking of taking Antiemetic 3 times daily as I want to join abang in touring Jordan this Wednesday huu..(pastu nanti dlm kereta sibuk nak muntah je)

Yesterday we went to Balad with the intention to go to the clinic, but it was late and the clinic had closed. While walking, I found a shop selling Samosa, and I couldn't resist the temptation to buy it, although in the end I didn't finish it..nafsu..nafsu. Abang tak bagi beli sebab jual tepi jalan, tapi berkeras juga nak beli. In the end I ate it alone sebab abang tak selera nak makan. Dah makan sikit buang2 pulak haih...haih.

Now I really want these:

1. Karipap & Samosa instant Mama Mimi!! (Fatihah Frozen Food)

2. Bihun sup kat cafe hospital HTAA

Huuuu..........

Tahniah to those new wed couples!! :D

Lately ramainya sahabat2 yang kahwin (Jun 2010), kad jemputan either e-card or hardcopy banyak sgt diterima, tp semuanya tak tertunai.. maaf sahabat2..

Seronok melihat mereka bahagia..especially those in my MBBS batch:

Nizam dan Ezzu

Kak Timah and Hafizi

Aizat & Syahriani

dan ramai lagi...

Bila tengok ramai yang kahwin, rasa teringin nak kahwin for the second time but with the same person hehe. I always say this to abang, "Abang, jom kita kawen!!", abang pun layan je la cakap, "Jom!!" in a very excited manner haha

Perkahwinan itu indah, walau adakalanya musim duka menerjah. Perkahwinan itu satu perjalanan, yang tidak semestinya tidak dibantuti halangan. Perkahwinan itu mendidik, meski aku terkadang lelah dengan didikan.

Perkahwinan kami bukan tidak dihiasi masalah, bukan tidak diserikan dengan pergaduhan, but at the end of each day, I close my eyes knowing that I still have him to walk with me, I feel contented.. and that is more than enough for me alhamdulillah :)

Teringat pada sajak yang sengaja aku pilih untuk diabadikan atas kad jemputan perkahwinan kami...

I cannot promise you a life of sunshine

I cannot promise riches, wealth or gold

I cannot promise you an easy pathway

That leads away from change or growing old

But I can promise you all my heart's devotion

A smile to chase away your tears of sorrow

A love that's ever true and ever growing

A hand to hold in yours through each tomorrow

Yes, I'll marry you..

Kadangkala aku pandang wajah abang penuh cinta, abang akan bertanya, "Pandang apa?"

Aku hanya tersenyum2 malu sendiri

Kadangkala aku lontarkan pandangan penuh amarah pada abang, abang lebih suka mendiamkan diri dan memandang ke tempat lain

Kadangkala aku enggan tatap wajah abang bila bermuram durja, abang akan paksa, "Pandang abang sekarang!"

Kadangkala aku lepaskan keluhan seni, abang tetap juga terperasan, "Kenapa mengeluh?"

Kadangkala aku menangis sendiri, rindu pada keluarga, rindu untuk pulang ke Malaysia, abang akan mendakapku sambil berbisu..

Perkahwinan itu sentiasa membutuhkan kesabaran dan kefahaman, perkahwinan itu bukan sekadar satu perjudian, tapi perkahwinan memerlukan kepada usaha untuk berjaya! Moga semua pasangan berkahwin melayari rumah tangga dalam redha Allah! Tahniah dan tahniah :)

Zaman gelap

1 week down, 6 more weeks to go at the most.. hopefully..

Today instead of merely nausea, I vomited thrice this morning.. Yesterday I managed to wake up at 10am.. and this morning it extended to 11.40am.. Getting worse.? I hope not.. Lepas dah muntah2 rasa lega sekejap, cepat2 online hehe.

Yesterday evening, I smelled bau org tumis. Said to abang, "Abang, ada bau orang tumis" "Abang tak bau pun.."

After Asar I smelled bau sambal but kept it to myself (I was very sure it was a hallucination huu) and said to abang, "Abang, teringin nak makan ikan kembong goreng dengan nasi putih panas dengan sambal tumis" Teringat sambal tumis ikan bilis ummi huu. And what is it with the ikan kembong goreng and nasi putih panas?? I guess because that's the usual meal Ummi prepared for us when we were down with fever and appetite loss... "Alah, kesiannya dia..kat mana abang nak cari ikan kembong.."

"Abang, malam ni abang belikan lauk kat bawah ye.." (there's a malaysian cafe downstairs)

Night came.......

"Sayang, nasi kat bawah dah habis.. diorang masak nasi lemak tadi" Ahah, no wonder of the sambal smell!! "Abang, abang beli sambal je lah, teringin nak makan sambal"

Abang belikan fish fillet Dori, sebab ikan kembong takde huuu. Tapi tak selera, so I boiled 2 eggs.

And I ate it with nasi putih panas and sambal.. although only few spoonfuls...

Sekarang teringin nak makan nasi lemak yang sedap tapi sikit je dlm satu bungkusan and mahal yang ummi selalu beli... nak makan sambil tengok cerita cartoon kat rumah...without the nausea huu.

Today masak bubur nasi dengan ikan.. abang ada exam, so I was left alone.. nak masak juga or else the nausea vomiting will be complicated by gastritis.. so i washed the rice, put in a pot, put the fish in it, masukkan air and letak sup bunjut ikan and garam... tak larat pun nak kupas bawang.. buat sehabis cincai in between visits to the toilet.. by the way, i have diarrhea for the past 1 week as well huuu. apekah???

Yesterday I watched kakak's video of her ultrasound scan..and I think the baby is actually a boy!!! ye ke???

I'm irritable

Abang is now having his Internal Medicine exam. He was worried, so am I. I pray that Allah will give him the best insyaAllah :) I was unable to help him with his study, I slept early. In the middle of this hot summer, I again turn on the heater, I'm practically having a Raynaud syndrome huu with my extremely cold extremities. Abang study kat meja, aku meringkuk bawah meja (ada heater kat situ huu) This nausea is getting worse and it makes me anxious even more. I just can't wait to do the scan. GTD keeps playing in my mind, but I try to soothe my feeling by saying probably it's a twin pregnancy hehe. Abang was surprised and excited when I said that. Another thing is, I notice that I prefer to eat bread rather than rice. Rice turns on the nausea. Yesterday I prepared chicken soup, and I ate that with bread also, while abang had his usual rice meal. For breakfast, I'll have bread dipped in hot milo, and when I'm hungry, I'll munch on the bread as well huu. I can't be near abang as well (huu kesiannye abang) as again it nauseates me huu.

Abang knows that I peck his cheek while holding my breath!! Sadisnya hehe. Now I know why pregnant mommies have so much cravings! As for me, it's not really craving, but merely a way to find what suits my taste bud best. Yesterday when I was so sick with nausea, I asked abang to buy me a box of cocoa crunch and milk. But when the meal was right before my own nose, I felt like throwing out. Today I ask abang to buy maglubah with meat, as I thought that should be so appetizing, but I stopped eating very early because of the nausea. Banyaknya nasi terbuang lately, especially when abang also lost his appetite in the exam mode. It is worst during the night, forcing me to wake up very early and sit alone in the dark. I do feel tired and I become irritated easily. Alhamdulillah Abang keeps reminding me of the need to be patient in order for me to gain pahala. Getting pregnant is definitely not easy as earlier thought huu. Surprisingly I fall in love with the toilet! And I love to do the laundry. Perhaps in the toilet I feel free to throw out anytime, anywhere haha. And I love the smell of washing soap! It partially relieves the nausea.. And yet I'm still not convinced that I'm pregnant with a healthy baby until I can see the scan huuu. By the way, I'm entering the 6th week insyaAllah :)

9th June 2010

This was written on 9th June 2010..

I was in Syria, joining a tour to Halab, a 5-hour drive from Damascus. It was late, and we were on our way back. We departed from Homs (where 13 1st water turbines were located) at around 7.30pm. After only 10 minutes drive, the bus suddenly stopped, and a simple diagnosis of 'running out of gas' was made. While waiting for the driver to manage the problem, most of us got down from the bus. Some had their dinner, and some just linger around for some fresh Syrian air. Abang and me walked down the the rows of shops. It was nearly dark, and the Maghrib prayer could be heard from a nearby mosque. The similar design which could be found in other parts of Syria. We intended to find a cyber cafe as 2 days of internet-free is something unbearable nowadays. And we found a pharmacy (which was actually extremely abundant in Syria. Really I thought they were more abundant than grocery stores in Malaysia). We bought a Urine Pregnancy Test.

After approximately 20 minutes we were informed that the bus was again ready to start the journey. The next destination was Khalid al Walid mosque. People were excited to reach there for many reasons. As for us, we wanted to do the UPT. We arrived when Isya' was approaching. Everybody was excited to witness the maqam of Khalid al Walid. The mosque nazir urged me to perform my prayer fast as he wanted to lock the women section. I wondered why as it was not yet Isya'. Didn't the Syrian women perform Isya' in the mosque?? Then I understood. He wanted to lock the women section of maqam khalid al walid. He understood wrongly. I'm sure many people came there to pray before the maqam, but definitely not me. Abang urged me to perform my wudhu' fast while he held my handbag and waited outside the women's rest room.

I took my time to do the UPT (Obviously abang had forgotten about that then). To my surprise, it came out positive! I couldn't believe my two eyes, and I couldn't believe my urine. I was taking antibiotic at that time for UTI, and i thought probably the antibiotic residue produce a false positive result. It was a strip of paper, soaked in urine, and I wasn't sure how could I show it to abang. So I snapped few pics using my phone camera. The sound of the camera shutter was loud, and I was anxious that people might thought I took some pornographic pics in the toilet. After some 15 minutes, I disposed the strip in the dust bin of Khalid al Walid mosque, went out of the toilet, took my wudhu' and met abang. I smiled throughout, and that gave away the good news. Abang hugged me tight, saying Alhamdulillah repeatedly.

When we first arrived in Syria, abang told me to pray hard to get pregnant. He told me to read surah Maryam and Thoha. I asked why (my habit of questioning everything [REALLY EVERY SINGLE THING]) And he usually gives me stupid answer hehe and we always laugh together after that. So he said, "Ayang kenalah selalu baca surah Maryam and Thoha, sebab kalau kita dapat baby girl, kita boleh bg nama Maryam Suri. Kalau anak lelaki kita bagi Ameer Thoha." We laughed. That was one of the stupidest answer Abang could give to make me laugh hahaha. The Syrian people don't call Syria as Syria, but they call it Suria.

When we bought the UPT, abang jokingly said, "Kalau positive, kena bagi nama Ameer Khalid al Walid la, sebab kat Masjid Khalid Al Walid". I snorted. He kept giving me a list of unacceptable names.

Today is 9th June 2010, and it has been 5 days since my 1st Urine Pregnancy Test (on 5th June 2010). I am still not convinced that I'm a pregnant mommy. Not yet until I can see with my own eyes my baby on the ultrasound scan.

But as for now, 3 UPT tests were done in a row. And I suspect it is now 2 to 3 weeks old! Well a medical student if possible would like to diagnose her own pregnancy at 2 to 3 days old! Haha. Now I wonder how come the patients in the hospital some of them did not detect the pregnancy until it has reached 5 months old! That's weird.I have started taking supplement for pregnant mothers- Pregnacare. Alhamdulillah this is actually a very much wanted and planned pregnancy.

My heart is not spacious enough to be filled with gratitude. The pregnancy arrived when abang and me has started researching on IVF, Clomid and do the financial planning should we can't conceive naturally. The pregnancy arrived when we has started crying and hug each other whenever I feel some contraction pain which I thought was a premenstrual syndrome. The pregnancy arrived when we had chosen a date to undergo some fertility treatment. Subahanallah allahuakbar walillahilhamd.

I do my best to help abang with his study. We have two days left before the exam. Abang is really working hard. He didn't sleep last night. As for me, I'm a person who can't study during the last minutes before an exam. I accompany abang, but of course while I'm sleeping hehe. I also tire easily now, plus the nausea. Now I'm afraid of GTD (Gestational Trophoblastic Disease) for my nausea vomiting starts very early in the pregnancy. I could only hope for the best to rationalize the symptom- a twin pregnancy! Well that's the downside of being a medical student/ doctor. You tend to think of the worse that one can get. How can't I when I see all kind of cases in pregnant mommies ~sigh~

Abang bribed me- he bought me two snickers and I had to help him with his study. I guess that's fine with me, though after 20 minutes I fell asleep haha. May Allah gives us the best, May Allah eases our urusan.. ameen

Syria travelling log.. Part 1

It was a harsh Friday morning with my fluctuating mood. I had my crying marathon the night before for some childish reasons (^_^) [my childish reasons range from the fear of being a barren-naudzubillahimindzaalik, homesickness to dissatisfaction when abang spend few hours socializing with his friend and leave me alone hahaha]. Abang slept late, after his subh prayer. And I woke up early (though in rebelliosity) to prepare fried potato wedges, fried chicken and crab sticks (mind you, those crab sticks were ‘powed’ by abang from his neighbour huuu). Hey, it was another trip Alhamdulillah J

At 10.40 am, we stepped out of the house door to enter the taxi door. At 11, we were already at the hudud (border). We changed to a sarfis, got our passport stamped twice (at the Jordan Border and the Syrian Border) . We then took a bus at 1pm and at 2 we arrived in Dimashq (Damascus). Alhamdulillah I have arrived in Damascus for the first time in my life with my beloved! I couldn’t help but to give a continuous running commentary, “Abang, buruknya” while abang replied with “Sayang, kita masuk dari Negara dunia ketigas ke Negara dunia ketiga lain”. Of course at that time I wasn’t aware that Syria has way TOO MUCH to offer!!! It was hot. Even hotter than Jordan. We arrived in Nahar Aisyah, waiting for a friend to fetch us up, and there were some kids licking ice creams! I made an ‘innocent’ statement, “Abang sedapnya kan ice cream tu..” so abang being such an understanding man haha lead me to walk few steps down the road, and there was a small grocery shop selling ice creams. So we bought and was surprised to find out that the price was actually 1/3 that of Jordan’s. That’s a good news indeed Alhamdulillah.

Few minutes later, Pian arrived with a colleague, Idham. Pian was abang’s colleague in DQ, and our friend in UIA. Currently spending a year in Syria to learn in depth about Islam, may Allah bless him and make him a pious and successful architect. (He’s an architecture grad). We went straight to a fully-furnished house that we rented for 2 days, within walking distance from Pian’s house. After settling down and performing the Jama’ qasar Zuhr & Asar prayer, we proceeded to his house where few other friends of us were waiting (they actually prepared our lunch!! Being all boys haha) I could see that abang was soo happy, extremely happy indeed with the reunion J And I was the black sheep, being the only lady in the house of 10 men! May Allah bless them for the delicious chicken curry, ikan bilis oreng kicap, roasted chickens (which of course were cooked in a restaurant haha) and more.

We then took a brief rest no more than 30 minutes before we proceeded to Maqam arba’in (a place where they believe 40 waliyullah disappeared in thin air huu. Just bear in mind that I’m not really into these kind of hush-hush stories.. well (wallahua’lam) We climbed some 600 steps to reach the maqam and a cave! Before we started on the first step, we ride on a van, which was driven extremely fast on such a windy, climbing and narrow lanes, and I was dead afraid to move an inch throughout the ride! The cave was believed to be the the place where Qabil murdered Habil. There was an imprinted (or rather carved) finger impressions/ depressions claimed to belong to Jibril. When Qabil committed the murder, a big rock (I don’t know from where did it originate) was about to fall on Qabil as a kind of punishment. But Jibril stopped it from falling onto him by using his hand thus the finger depressions. Nearby there was a stone (larger than me) exactly the shape of a mouth in awe. The stone was surprised (or rather shock) to witness the first murder on earth. The bad news is.. there were 3 openings (which I’m not very sure of the history), I peeped inside and saw bank notes from various countries and love letters!! Again, it’s the kurafat thingy. Abang was very excited to find a Malaysian bank note haha, org Malaysia kan memang suka kurafat2 nih, but we found none. In another corner of the cave, there were 2 sejadah, indicating 2 praying areas. 1 was claimed to be the place of Ibadah of Prophet Ibrahim and another one of Prophet Khidr. We regretted for not bringing our compass to determine the qiblah.. because before the time of prophet Muhammad, it should be facing Palestine. Visitors prayed in those two areas but I was afraid to do so, I mean I don’t know how true everything was, and I was afraid that doing things without knowledge would only lead to kesesatan etc. Cameras were not allowed, but as I couldn’t see any rational point, I urged abang to take few pictures of mine haha secretly of course! The guardian of that place was a man in his 30s, who was so strict, but when abang requested to take a picture of the key to that place (which happen to be bigger than my palm, ancient and extremely photogenic haha) he cooperated. Maybe I was the only person who requested to do so as he was surprised when we asked him huu. (may be he was even surprised that I noticed that key. Well I practically notice anything that appears antique. And that key was exactly like the one in Secret garden huu)

At around Maghrib prayer, we climbed down, and took another bus to Jabal Qasim. It was a hill where upon being on top of it, one can view the whole of Damascus. The night view was so overwhelming and enchanting! People just come there, have picnic with their family, many hawkers try making a living selling corn, drinks, cotton candy, ‘shisha’ and such. After an hour, we decided to call it a day and went back. The first day was so tiring and we slept at around 12am. I couldn’t sleep though, I’m one person who has difficulty in adapting to a new environment and those geli-geli feeling towards the bedding and such huu.

Day 2 started in a lousy mood huu owing to the bad night. Subuh was at 3.40 but we only woke up at 4 something. We tried to be ready as fast as we could as today, we would join a jaulah (trip) to Halab by bus. It was a 5-hour drive from Damshiq. There were 19 of us- 6 UIA students, 4 Jais ustaz, 2 from Jordan and the rest were Syrian students. The journey started at 6am, and throughout the ride, most of us slept like a log, awoken up few times. The only R&R that was available was a white lorry selling junk foods and drinks, located under a jejantas haha. We also stopped at one of the beautiful places along the way to have our breakfast at around 10am. Credits to those who cooked for us as well. At around 11 we arrived in Halab. The view of Qal’ah Halab left us amazed!! It was so big and occupied the entire hill. Qal’ah is a kubu pertahanan, which was by solahuddin al-Ayubi. The entrance ticket was 10 lyra (thanks to abang’s student card or else we would have been charged 150 lyra). 10 lyra is RM0.80 hehe. 150 lyra is RM12.
After almost half a day, we went to the nearby Umayyad mosqe to perform our prayer, and then we did our shopping in the Souq Halab. We didn’t buy much, aside than drinks. We bought drinks one after another, it was very hot indeed! Abang wanted to have his usual tamar hind (air asam), so he went to a man (the seller always wear some very characteristic outfit). Without asking him, he just bought the drink, gulped it down and almost vomited as it was actually Arasu!! (air akar kayu as black as coffee haha). Gelojoh sangat hehe. At around 5pm, the bus arrived, we left Halab for Homs- a place which places first 13 water turbine in the world. The view was great! We took some pictures, and suddenly there was a man bringing his camel. Each ride costed 25 lyra.

I insisted to ride the camel (as I have never experienced of before), but abang hesitated initially. He was all over this big bum thingy, it’s not good for a woman when everybody would stare etc . Finally he agreed and we rode together hehe for 40 lyra. But I guess there wasn’t any romantic air as I was all the time thinking what if I fall down, what if… The camel was a gedik one you know, the one that walked gedikly in its own lenggang lenggok huu. After each ride, it would be fed (and even if the owner didn’t feed her, she helped herself to a bucket of tapioca!! Memang kegedikan terserlah) And it had a mobile toilet! Hehe a bucket was tied to her bum, so that it won’t you know berak rata-rata.

At around 7.30, we headed for Khalid al-Walid mosque..and here I’ve a very interesting story to tell.. later insyaAllah :D

We arrived home at 12am, and that night I slept well alhamdulillah...

Not so good a news

(a bored me in front of the endoscopy room. abang was busy studying for his exam the next day..)

Hospital life is nowhere near interesting..for 1 sole reason, I simply can't understand the language (depressed). Imagine joining a clinic session for 2 hours without understanding what is going on..except when the specialist offer few valuable knowledges. Ward is definitely better with the english-written BHT (bed-head ticket). Anyway I am all the time prepared should anybody ask "Do you gain anything?". Haaa of course! My time well spent with abang :p Twice a week I join the endoscopy, get to see few interesting findings at least.. I'm currently attaching to the gastroenterology unit (and wonder how do I end up in that unit huhuuu)

Abang had his exam yesterday and today. 3 more papers in the line. In the midst of preparing for exam, I disturbed him with my elective. He actually accompanied me in the ward, endoscopy room and clinic. Sigh~sigh I just can't wait for the elective to be over. I managed to complete few notes which I am slowly uploading to the blog..those who want them do celebrate :) I can't believe that I am actually eager to embark the journey of final year.. what???!!! Perhaps because I perceive the old and crumbling HTAA is very much better compared to the foreign slick KAUH hehe.

Abang is still in the hospital, and me? Surfing the net for I skipped (~_^) the round today. It is really boring when he is not around, and now is the time should anybody find me passed out, it is purely due to boredom!! I think this rindu-rinduan is getting malignant when I start to miss him the few seconds he spend in the toilet. Or perhaps because he sulks more than ever, suka merajuk-rajukan with me thus the need for me to either be more stern (jgn pujuk org yg merajuk ok) or to fall for the trick (silalah pujuk dengan bersungguh-sungguh). But I choose the third option which is to merajuk together hahaha. Abang must be very disappointed (^_^). I am suddenly reminded of the verse "Alyauma akmaltu lakum deenakum watmamtu alaikum ni'mati waradhitulakumul islaam madeena" A verse when read by Rasulullah s.aw. induced Abu Bakr to cry.. Why? Because when Islam had been perfected, it meant Rasulullah's responsibility had come to an end..and so was his life.. The end of elective posting for me means the end of my holiday in Jordan..and in the near future, again abang and me have to brave the life alone... (T_T)

(olive tree in front of abang's house.. the view from his room. and right in front of this window, i'd stare and stare while waiting for him to be back home huu)

Come to think of it, there is 1 thing about Jordan that I really like- the Olive tree... it is practically seen everywhere..and there are few in abang's yard. Gazing upon this shady tree, I feel the aura of being in an arabic country.. And gazing upon it always reminds me of the Surah at-Tiin. Speaking of arabic, abang openly showed his dislike towards tudung arini (the indon headscarf), I mean he dislikes me wearing it, telling me that I look exactly just like an indonesian [and it just happens that indonesian maid are abundant in Jordan huuu (T_T)] So I answered in rebelliosity (teruknya huu) "Kalau dah macam indon, kita buatla kisah Ayat-ayat Cinta kat sini" ?????!!!!!

Anyway, please do not misunderstand that I just laze around doing nothing here because I actually take good care of abang's house especially his kitchen up to the extend that he refused to study anywhere except in the kitchen!! Hehe abang..abang. Siap angkut bantal g dapur lg!!! I sometimes regret that of course, since he prefers to be in the kitchen rather than with me~

(lake of JUST)

Wani delivered her baby, COMEL!!! And more babies to come :p

Life is indeed beautiful with the surprises that Allah has planned :) Alhamdulillah