Searching for the purpose

I always wonder, behind everything that happens, what would the hikmah be? Most of the times it is hard to feel grateful with whatever we have until something happens and enlightens us on the hidden hikmah.. and we would never fail to feel ashame.. Malu dgn siapa? Malu pd Allah sebab Dia selalu memberikan yang terbaik sedangkan kita terlalu payah untuk bersabar.

Yes we know, that each and everyone of us was created with purpose- a general purpose which is to be a khalifah. But I always wonder why am I destined to be a female instead of male? Why am i choosen by Him to be the second child out of 5 siblings? Why am I doing medicine right now? Why does Allah give me specific characteristics- a combination of specific mahmudah and mazmumah attributes which creates the personality I'm wearing right now? And so many other things..

And Allah told us in the Quran that He doesn't creates us just for fun.. each of us creates a special meaning, carve a unique template and marks our individual existence in this world with specific purposes.. And i keep wondering.. And the duration varies.. A baby born and allowed to live for a few seconds and then he dies.. don't you think that is amazing. One might said, it would be better if he is never fertilized, never conceived at all.. then he won't initially brings hope to his parents and in an instant create a space for grievances.. it is so purposeless..

If only... if only we realize that in things as small as 'burping is relieving and it ultimately points to the grandeur of Allah the Almighty'.. then our life will be a wonderful experience full of discovery and gratitude.. And the ultra short existence of a baby is actually a motivation for the parent to lead a better life so that insyaAllah one day they'll meet again in paradise.. the sorrow is indeed a blessing in disguise..but how often does that actually takes place?? -sigh-...