Ketupat for tot??

Few days before raya, i weaved ketupat with yasir. obviously i made the square ketupat (ketupat nasi) while yasir made the round ketupat (ketupat pulut, and as far as i know, it is sarawak's). not forgetting totot in the eidulfitr setting, yasir even weaved a mini round ketupat for tot!! hehe and he filled it with friskies. it was very small that i just couldn't resist capturing it using my camera and post it here ehehe

My greatest thank

I was prompted to write this.. because a handsome man bought something for my mum this morning..

I was busy finishing making pineapple tart (tart gulung) when suddenly someone knocked on our door. I opened it, and there a handsome man stood silently. He greeted salam and walked in, while in his right hand, he held a black bag. 
Ummi was cooking rendang and ayam masak merah, when the man appeared in the kitchen. Curiously Ummi asked regarding the black bag. He just kept quiet,  and remained mysterious. Everything about him was mysterious enough! It was supposed to be a working day, and there he was clad in his uniform. Suddenly he called my name and presto! my mum was wearing a black fur coat haha how glamorous.

Actually ummi and abah plan to visit umar in france this december, and abah bought him a black fur coat since it is now winter time. I laughed. Really I laughed out loud; looking at how glamorous ummi was. Ummi laughed too. The man just smiled naughtily. And i feel at ease deep inside.. To anybody, they may appear as merely an old couple, but they mean everything to me. 

Thank you, abah for bringing that smile on my mum's face. Thank you for being the best leader i have ever had, thank you for protecting us all. And thank you ummi for taking good care of my abah all these while.. Thank you for respecting him, thank you for being patient with him. They may not be the most romantic couple, or the most perfect husband and wife, 
but they have taught me a lot on how to deal with life. They have gone through a lot, since the moment they made vow to be husband and wife, and open the pandora box, not having the least idea of what life has to offer.. and through tears and laughter, they manage to make it till today..how very ammazing
Thank you for making me realize that for a family to function, it needs lot of effort. I will try my best to be like you!

Segenggam tabah

Dedikasi untuk bonda dan ayahanda tercinta.. and anybody yang rasa mcm lirik ni sesuai dgn hidupnya =)

Segenggam Tabah
Album : Tiada Lagi Kasih
Munsyid : In-Team

Bertali arus dugaan tiba
Menakung sebak airmata
Namun tak pernah pun setitis
Gugur berderai di pipi
Tidak ditempah hidup sengsara
Suratan nasib yang melanda
Menongkah badai bergelora
Diredah bersendirian
Bagaikan camar pulang senja
Patah sayapnya tetap terbang jua
Sekadar secicip rezeki
Buat yang sedang rindu menanti
Segenggam tabah dipertahankan
Buat bekalan di perjalanan
Kau bebat luka yang berdarah
Kau balut hati yang calar

Telah tertulis suratan nasibmu
Derita buatmu ada hikmahnya
Terlukis senyum di bibir lesu
Tak siapa tahu hatimu
Biarpun keruh air di hulu
Mungkinkah jernih di muara
Biarpun jenuh hidup dipalu
Pasti bertemu tenangnya

I was, am and will forever be His servant..

It feels like yesterday.. we greeted the arrival of Ramadhan.. 
It feels like yesterday.. we started to have sahur and fast
It feels like yesterday.. we felt excited of going to bazaar ramadhan
When in reality we have arrived at the third trimester of Ramadhan.. the last 10 days..
In pregnancy, this period is the excitement period, when the labour of the baby couldn't be patiently waited anymore.. Should it be the excitement period for us as well, when Eidulfitr is felt like a year away?

This time around (this ramadhan), I have never break my fast at home with my family (that is of course very sad). I have never visited bazaar ramadhan except twice when the bus from temerloh to kuantan stopped by the bazaar and pakcik driver allowed us to buy food for breaking our fast (because we break our fast on the bus each time we travel from temerloh to kuantan). I have never performed tarawih in the mosque; not even once, despite the fact performing trwh in the mosque WAS one of the hallmark of my ramadhan (in my younger days, one of the thing that we liked most was going to masjid and perform tarawih. we did 8 rakaat and while waiting for my parents to finish 23 rakaat, we just played in the mosque- that was the best part; socializing hehe). I have never gone out shopping for Raya thingies with my whole family, like we did before...

Truth is, it is a very lonely life, and I really miss the life that I had before. But we move on, and we try to adapt. Sometimes i cook with my housemates, I perform congregational tarawih with them (sometimes in the hospital surau), I spent my fasting days with the patients and their families, 
more than once i break my fast in the ward, I use night time for reading my medical text books and sometimes reciting the Quran, I have done my quick raya shopping even before ramadhan..Truly it is a very lonely life even whem I am always surrounded by people;
because I just miss my family so much, I miss listening to the Quranic recitation from the cassette by famous Imam with my sisters until we fall asleep, I miss waking up with her waiting for the lailatul qadar after we have prepared a list of things that we would like to pray for during that night hehe, I miss Ummi's cooking.... 

but 1 thing never change.. the last 10 days of ramadhan 
has always been the time for me to reorientate myself as His SERVANT.. InsyaAllah.
Jom koreksi diri dan kembali kpd fitrah manusia yg suci =)

Penat dengar ketawa banyak

2 things that i really can't stand- giggles and loud laughs. Ok ok don't get me wrong because that doesn't mean I am a serious person, but i just get extremely irritated when i hear one. Smiles are nice, and laughs make us feel happy. 
But continuous loud laughs and excessive happiness are insults to the brain! 

To stop myself from having one needs extra effort. However, the main problem is to shield myself from being affected by others' which radiate vibrantly to me. Truthfully I am writing this because... i don't know. 
Would a heart feel calm by too much laughing? Or it just sense happiness for a split of a second???

I need Elixir of Life

Very rarely I get to update my blog nowadays. Just like my energy that is always drained out dry from my body, so are my words and thoughts.. which escape to mercilessly leave my mind empty.. 
and my soul draughted of expressable emotions..

It is the ramadhan spirit! Spending 1 whole day in the hospital, for every single day of the week..And class on each day of my weekend, nothing is more attractive and inviting, other than my cosy cot. A place where I shoo away all the tiredness at the end of each day, 
and the very place where I fret and regret the beginning of new day, meekly fighting the sense of losing..
losing to the gigantic and muscular wave of life's troll, i always wonder how much farther can i go? again and again, when reality hit me hard in the head, 
a path that i have at one time chosen, do i really have the valor to continue on??... 

It is the place where I try to picturesque a not-so-charming future.. perhaps? And again hoping that everything would take a nice and wonderful turn.. how much longer could I wait? -sigh- Really I am too tired of waiting.. There is nothing else I need other than elixir of life to handle my fragile being, which I absolutely can get from the King of kings.. Arghh What is life all about? It is about serving Him..

You Make Me Feel Brand New

Current song: You Make Me Feel Brand New by Simply Red (because it reminds me of my much-missed Umar), but allow me to dedicate this sound to my dearest Ummi and Abah

My love, I'll never find the words, my love
To tell you how I feel, my love
Mere words, could not, explain
Precious love, you held my life within your hands
Created everything I am
Taught me how to live again

Only you, cared when I needed a friend
Believed in me through thick and thin
This song is for you, filled with gratitude and love…

Chorus:
God bless you, you make me feel brand new
For God blessed me with you
You make me feel brand new
I sing this song cause you……make me feel brand new

My love, whenever I was insecure
You filled me up and made me sure
You gave, my pride, back to me
Precious friend, with you I'll always have a friend
You're someone who I can depend
To walk a path that sometimes bends

Without you, life has no meaning or rhyme
Like notes to a song out of time
How can I repay, you for having faith in me. . . . .

Chorus:
God bless you, you make me feel brand new
For God blessed me with you
You make me feel brand new
I sing this song for you. . . .

1 hour and 44 minutes before I ride the university bus to Temerloh. Temerloh again??! That is at least better than wasting my tears and cry my heart out within the 4 walls that bound my cubicle, 
inquiring myself how sure I am that I want to do medicine?
Ah I just don't know because even if I want to walk out, I just can't see any opening or exit. For I have just realized that this is not the kind of life that I want astaghfirullah.. I am stuck.. Ya Allah give me strength to just move on.. To contribute to the Muslim Ummah in anyway I am capable of, be it small but at least I have something to offer.. Give me strength o The Almighty, O King of kings..
I was introduced to a new concept, when Dr Emad asked, "Doing medicine, is it Fardhu Kifayah or Fardhu Ain?" The answer is Fardhu Kifayah when we haven't entered medical school, but it is Fadhu Ain once we have been admitted to medical school. We are expected to graduate, and help the Muslim Ummah. This is not even a sacrifice, it is a kewajipan. I am doing the least that I can do, and still I feel it is very burdensome. That reflects the level of my faith. My faith in this short worldly life, my faith in 
the everlasting hereafter.. my faith in what Allah has promised to those who do jihad.. How very scanty.. Astaghfirullah..

We are such a RICH nation??

I don't know about others.. but I personally feel.. mcm makan hari2 terlebih cukup..
Tp do I realize kat luar sana ramai lagi yg kebuluran??
Kalau beli nasi bungkus, rasa mcm nasi terlebih byk.. tak terdaya nak habiskan..
but do i realize ramai lg yg bagi mereka setiap butir nasi begitu bermakna?
Kalau tengok tong sampah rumah, makanan yg berlebih terbuang macam tu je..
Sedangkan ramai yg korek sampah demi untuk sesuap rezeqi
But sometimes I don't know what can I do
sebab bila beli nasi ayam, mesti amount yg org kedai bagi dah fixed
nak minta kurang pun tak boleh.. kalau tak beli langsung, tak makan pulak
kan lg bagus masak sniri je kat rumah
boleh estimate banyak mana nak masak and banyak mana nak makan
i am overtly sensitive pasal makanan terbuang nih..
sebab i do realize ramai lg yang tidak kecukupan..
ramai yg nak pastikan dapur berasap pun... susah hati dan bekerja keras banting tulang
sedangkan most of us doesn't even realize duit yg mengalir deras mcm air sungai
isu bukan lagi ada makanan atau tak..
tp tarik muka and kutuk makanan tak sedap pulak..
astaghfirullah..
i really feel sad, i do feel touched.. sebab i realize how extremely ungrateful i am with what i have
and how very seldom i say Alhamdulillah with His bounty
mana perginya sifat kehambaan ye? entahla..
kita hamba tp sombongnya kita..

sanggup tak makan nasi dgn garam je takde lauk lain? or sanggup tak mkn roti kosong je hari hari? sanggup tak tahan nafsu whenever we feel like eating something delicious and luxurious? sanggup ke? SANGGUP KE?? then will only we know kesusahan org lain

I am writing this in front of sebungkus nasi ayam boxing yg dpt waktu iftar tadi, and I do know where this nasi ayam will end.. definitely not in my stomach..(or i'll be needing gastrectomy after this!)  but in the dustbin outside my room. how very sad

God bless you

Alhamdulillah today I have presented my seminar
And today the 3rd year medic sisters have iftar jamaie.. can't wait to meet all of them!
Today I have promised myself to read on pathophysiology of kidney diseases
And I have promised myself to start working on my case write-up..
Baca quran bila pulak..??!
Today I really miss abah and ummi
But I manage to pray for them only
Today I have decided to be a better person..
although I don't know how or until when can I remain
Today I slept a lot
And my head feels like bursting
Today I learn that to choose medicine means to choose a very hectic life
But a khaleefah is destined to have a hectic life, isn't it?
And today I learn that if I can't withstand the tension, I should just change my profession
And today I learn that even if I want to quit, there is just no way out
So I am left with no other option except to happily accept with what I am given
And I am looking towards a brighter and happier tomorrow
What would that be?? Rahsia..!! =)
Sometimes I feel like I am standing on a boat. the boat is getting me somewhere.. but I am standing among those who whine, and among those who gripe and moan.. And I do just the same
I am cranky and I am standing among the those who are grouchy.. So it just makes sense. But whenever we are together, we still make something wonderful out of this, and we actually enjoy each other's company! That's weird, but true huu
To someone who spices up my dull life.. thank you!
The ex-assistnt prog manager of ihya Ramadhan, i don't know whether you are still involved in it this time around.. tp you made a good assistnt PM, i was so proud of you. I still remember the heart-insulting discussion for achieving the hard-to-make decision of whether to accept or not to accept the post.. due to some irrational and unthinkable brain-damaging low self confident thus making a fatal claim that you don't deserve to hold that post.. aha that is soooo YOU! =P
Just one thing- ISLAM IS FOR EVERYBODY my dear =)
May Allah bless you!

I can't explain the guilt

I can't explain the guilt..when I look at the stat counter. I just can't explain the guilt when I realize that this blog has been visited. I just can't explain it huu

To anybody who is reading this blog.. please, Please and PLEASE don't waste your time here huu. I'm not writing anything beneficial anyway. I am rumbling aimlessly here, probably trying to sort out my hectic life, or smothen my jumbled-up experience, or soothen my roller coaster emotion.. I need some space to be my own self huu. Suddenly I regret announcing the address in my friendster.. and if you don't mind just forget about its existence k.. coz whenever you read this.. I just can't explain the guilt..

It's the second day

Alhamdulillah today is the second day of Ramadhan. I just can't explain my feeling, neither would i bother to explain nor share..

But one thing that I do realize- I become a bit more 'hardworking', I'm dead sure it is because I am now free from syaitan's influence huu.

Ramadhan makes me realize, how far I am from Him, Ramadhan makes me aware, how weak my iman is, Ramadhan makes me miss, the old days when I was strongly attached to the Quran, Ramadhan makes me cry, for the sin that I have committed, Ramadhan makes me feel, that worldly life is just for a short while, Ramadhan brings to me with it- regret, hope and serenity.. How I hope I will be able to finish this Ramadhan, and graduated from it 
with taqwa and istiqamah.. Till I meet the next Ramadhan insyaAllah..............

My sisters =)

we used to be the three princesses
who fighted to marry the sole prince (omar =P)
we used to be the three daughters
who were forced to wear same baju kurung during raya
we used to be the three kampung girl
who played mak2, and built our own 'house'
we bathe in the hot noon sun till it set in the west
and kept forgetting to return before maghrib
forcing abah to lock us out of the house
though kakak was then a bit too aggressive
famous with her 'pinch-to-bleed' technique
I was a clean-freak,
who shrieked at the tiniest bit of thing strewn on the floor
And asma was definitely a slow-pow
Who took longer than a snail to complete a task
We spent many a times
Dreaming to live in a wonderland,
While our eyes are glued to the Disney cartoon movie
And our voices sang to the tune of Disney songs
And we danced to the steps that we created
then we moved on to a different phase
when beauty and appearance were of topmost important
it was i'm sure a brain damaging experience for ummi
when us trio raided the super market shelves for whitening cream
Or emphasized the importance of using facial cleanser 
Acne cream was next to join in the shopping trolley
Immediately before handbags and high heels were jotted in the shopping list
The crazy phase remained for just a short while
Though the handbag & shoe craziness persist
By then we started to glance into the future,
All the while encouraged by abah and ummi
Though I knew they intended to make us realize
How important education and career is
We stubbornly were more interested
In finding rich and handsome princes
To take our hands and lead us into a fairytale life
To change three fairytale princesses into three mature muslimah
Is definitely not an easy task
But through thick and thin of life
We learned that the journey is not as easy as it may seem
And for a rose to bloom gracefully
It first has to adjust to live and endure the thorns
Then one by one
We graduated from schooling years,
All the while feeling relieved adulthood greets welcome
University was not a choice but a must
Forcing us to choose different paths 
We started to be far apart
Forcing me to miss your laugh and smiles
Your stupid jokes and stories
Or just your presence by my side
And make me feel complete again
InsyaAllah in the near future
One by one we will start to have our own families
I do feel weird..
And I do feel scared
but it is just the nature of life
which i have to accept..
But whenever we are together again
I still tow my pillow and blanket to your room
I am still available for the midnight nasyeed concert
We are still the three princesses, and we are three mature muslimah insyaAllah =)

I REALLY LOVE YOU GUYS