What I want

I dont even know how to start... when everything seems so wrong..
I hate the negative ambience, but somehow it is not within my power to decide the hue of atmosphere..
If there is 1 thing i really want right now, that is to leave everything behind and travel into a world of serenity.. I want to smell the sea, and listen to the waves..
I want to lie in bed all day long without being interrupted.
I want my day to stretch forever without me waiting hopelessly for the other half to come back.
I want to feel free, however 'free' is being defined..
I want my emotion to be blunt such that similar to a schizophrenic..
I just want a shoulder of a friend, for me to cry on..
And ears that can listen without being biased
A someone who can without effort, vibrate the frequency of sorrow, and eventually understand..
I need someone who can really understand..

Finally holiday!

Today is my first day of end posting holiday :)) As usual it starts with a routine--> spring cleaning! Oh i love that :p Bibik is away on holiday. I choose to stay with Ummi. I mopped the floor twice, I vacuumed the rooms twice, I washed all the curtains. arrange cupboards, put on new sheets and cook! I'm so tired yet it is so satisfying. I take care of faheem on my own, oh my i havent done that for quite long! And now I'm waiting for abang to come home. Abang has to travel a bit farther than usual to go to work, but i think he won't mind. He get home cooked food after all hehe.

After doing the spring cleaning, it would be a bit unusual wouldnt it if i dont end with a garage sale? so now i do have things to give for free, and some other for sale at a real cheap price. Faheem's old things :) some are brand new huu.

I guess i'll be frequenting cooking blog these few days :p

A fairy tale.. live happily ever after :D

Postcall for the umpteenth time in medical..

Sampai rumah je, faheem ajak g kedai sebab nak beli balloon. what?? adakah muka mommy macam org yg suka g kedai beli balloon??

Shopping guna kad abang. Lagi seronok :) faheem dapat ice-cream and Tejen (Vitagen) hehe. And of course a packet of balloons. Beli baju baru for myself, eh, for abang. utk abang pula? tentulah, because a wife dresses up for her husband ^_^ it's fair sebab i have just bought him 3 new shirts last week (walaupun guna duit abang jugak :p)

Ummi has just arrived from Korea last night.. and i was super excited to go back home. Lama tak lepak kat rumah Ummi (seminggu je pun hehe). Sampai je rumah ummi, i got a new handbag, a souvenir from Korea :D senyum sampai telinga. big, off-white, ummi abah definitely know my taste. faheem got 2 cute pajamas. thank you atuk. thank you nenek.

meghadap fb, such a rare ritual nowadays.. read all the status of new mommies. senyum sampai telinga lagi. somehow it tastes of life. Probably something that i have been missing all these while. babies. they are so cute, they remind me of my mummy-hood when faheem was a baby :))

Belek-belek gardening book. Hmm rasa macam nak pergi tanam pokok. Capai handphone, sms abang. Abang jom gardening!! I guess abang is so used to receiving weird sms during odd hours huu.

Oh was suddnely reminded, it's friday today. Al-Kahfi ye kawan2 :)

And tomorrow my fairy tale life vanishes into the hectic working life managing a 'cursed' male medical ward. Haihh. Counting the days to reach the finish line..

psst.. i called admin office this morning, requesting for Anest as my final posting.. may Allah ease..

Public rambling

insyaAllah i have 3 more weeks before i finish medical, that's the case if i'm not extended of course. i'm good so far insyaAllah. i've passed my viva, alhamdulillah, with a mark that makes me smile, alhamdulillah :) ive completed my logbook, ready to submit it. may allah guide me through the remaining weeks till i finish..

my consultant asked me what do i want to do in the future, i said im not sure. she 'suggested' medical-based specialization, i smiled. i smile when i imagine my untouched mrcp book, i smiled when i remember my mrcp questions that were left unanswered and untried, i smiled when people keep asking me when do i plan to take the exam, i smiled when i can only wonder how motivation can just disappear into thin air.

Lazy, i think that's it. Tired, Yes , Crappy. defintiely. Drained. no doubt.

i ramble regarding all the nice things in my life, and i ramble regarding all the not-nice things in life which don't sound real anyway, that doesnt mean i have a life that is so different from anybody else in the planet. haha. i keep most of the real things to myself, that is what public rambling is all about :)

somehow i miss going out shopping with Asma' :(( my house-wife sister who was always available for a hangout. the first person i always call on my first day of end posting holiday or end of sem hol when i was a student (truth is i call way long before my holiday and plan early hehe). Korea is so far away :(

Yin and Yang

It's that time again.. that time in a posting when I start to prepare for the final curtain. It's that time when I start to fill up my logbook, hunting for signatures of superiors, scheduling my viva, submitting my End of Posting leave, start doing my countdown and updating abang daily about it.. Oh dont get me wrong. I still have a month more to go before I can say goodbye to medical. That is the case if im not extended of course haha.

Abang senyum. Itu je abang buat. Abang senyum. He understands me more than anybody else. Definitely he understands his compulsive, moody, rebellious and strict wife more than anybody else. My MO tells me I'm a Kiasu. My specialist smiled when I handed him the leave form, saying "Confident betul tak kena extend eh?" Hehe. I smiled sheepishly. I like to plan, and most of the time I expect the plan to work, and I become depress when it doesnt. No worry, I have my understanding abang to listen to my endless complaints ;p *wink wink*

There was one time when I went to a vintage shop, I bought a vintage signage saying "Complaint department this way 200m-->" I asked abang to put up the signange, pointing to our room hahaha. Simply because I feel abang should be awarded as the best complaining dept ever :p Ready with a plugged-in drill and screws, I waited at the corridor in front of our room. Abang was like "whoa whoa hold on, are you sure you want me to put this on the wall??"I said yes, putting on my most innocent face. He said, "simpan dulu, nanti abang fikir dulu" sambil sengih2. I guess he couldnt believe I bought the thing in the first place and actually plan to hang it up for real. Oh yes, the thing is still in our store room till today ;p

Post Call Off

Believe it or not, for the past 2 months i have been working continuously with only post call off to allow me to catch my breath. The saying 'nothing comes easy' is very true indeed. Skills and knowledge dont come easy. Confidence and resilience dont come easy as well. There are times when I can run care-free, there are times when I have to crawl in pain, but 1 thing I always remind myself of....don't come to a halt! The journey is something that has to be traversed no matter what.

When I was in the previous posting, this time around, the so called mid-posting period, we went to Sabah. That was 4 months ago. The need to be on the loose resurface. Another breakway would be very helpful to maintain sanity I guess. But somehow reality doesnt really entertain one's need. And I have no choice but to charge straight ahead in a combat with self. SELF.

Perihal anak

Faheem is fast turning 3. And that simply means, the question "bila nak dapat adik ni?" is being bombarded like a bomb non-stop. Dush. dUsh. DUSH! And I keep asking myself, am I ready to undergo that journey all over again? Or is abang ready?

You know I keep wondering, what makes a mom wants to become a mom again. Of course once you are a mom you will be one, forever. But what makes a mom wants to become pregnant again? Hmmm.... Quoting from a friend, once you become parents, you have to reduce your degree of 'spouse' and increase your degree of 'parents' means you become a father rather than a husband, or a mommy rather than a wife.. OUCH.

Abang asked me when do I plan to have the second one.. I said I don't know. Abang said probably after finishing housemanship, and my housemanship is finishing soon.. I said err, probably not in the next 5 years.. That's the timeline I offered when I gave birth to faheem hehe, and now faheem is 3, i still give the same answer ;p Probably the 5-year duration is such a subjective period of which Allah only can decide..  Who know I might announce a positive UPT anytime soon haha.

Probably I have not had enough of romantic dinner with Abang, late night movie with Abang, going out with Abang, snuggling with him while he reads the Quran, always ready to lepak in the masjid whenever he asks me to.. I still feel the emptiness when he goes to work, longing for him to come back home asap.

I always wonder, what really motivates one to have another child..? Probably because the pressure is really building for me, because one never grows younger..

I guess it's just that I'm not ready yet.. I'll be ready one day insyaAllah.. :)

6 more months....

I am halfway into medical posting, my fifth.. to reach final seems to take forever... and that comes from someone who always get everything easy! (as abang said it for uncountable times). Not fair? Hmm. Finishing housemanship means I start to plan for a new and more realistic life :p and oh probably fast entering the world of makcik makcik. I've a new hobby; collecting tableware. Hohoho. How ancient do I sound?

Life is hard as it always is. Abang always tell me that Allah bestows me with an easy life, easy job and easy everything. But Allah is the most fair. Each and every srvant is being tested in different ways. I am affected with abang's 'hardlife' :p. Abang always tell me that he is a fighter, that he gets everything through hardship. I seriously think that is true. He is the type of people who struggles. And he is the most patient person ive ever met, as patient as ummi. I come back late from work feeling tired and abang will comfort me, become the backbone that I always depend on. And oh he gives me a maid to finish the household chores, to entertain faheem whenever I feel tired and need my beauty sleep. Abang comes back home late and exhausted, he has to comfort me for not always being around. I seriously dont know how do we do the math here. It is just so wrong...

Last night we watched movie- paycheck. We have watched that before.. in jordan. It reminds me of our previous life. I never want to go back to that point, but I kinda miss being a wife who bakes every single day hehe.

Life is such a test and im glad I have abang to walk with me.. oh allah make us YOur grateful servants. .

start anew

I think I'll start writing actively again as I realize that is what is keeping me on track--> writing.. I am currently feeling so wrecked.  Wrecked. Wrecked. I need my personal motivator but I think he is in an even greater need of one.. I cant walk straight when my backbone is not there. I cant look healthy and flushed when my heart is not functioning. Abang. Oh how I miss him. He's tagging in our legendary orthopaedic department.  And he is as good as a walking zombie.

If only I can describe how our life is right now---> trust me,there is nothing right about it. No better than the titanic after being hit by the storm and rough sea. Its all haywire and topsy turvy. Every single thing seems so wrong.. and The most wrong of all the wrong is.. I feel so far from Him and I hate that feeling.. which I think is not just a feeling but the truth... o ALLAH please guide us, please.. please..

1st syawal

Today is 8th July 2013. And today is 1st syawal. Today i'm postcall. Today I just want to sleep T_T..
Not in the mood for raya. Probably because my recent Ramadhan was not that meaningful. Oh Allah how I cant wait to be done with this--> a topsy turvy life. Hopefully our next Ramadhan and Raya will be a better one... Ameen. Btw I'm doing medical, my 5th posting. If there is 1 thing I want to do right now, it is to cry.
Have a blessed Raya, people!

Finishing O&G

Alhamdulillah i've reached the finishing line, only the logbook is waiting to be filled up. I  get 9 days of end posting holiday, and currently enjoying it to the most before I start tagging again.. Its weird to think that i'm entering my 2nd year of housemanship, as it feels like yesterday when i was a lumpy 1st poster in Orthopaedic. Oh don't get me wrong, I'm still lumpy but probably a little bit better :p I hope I go to surgery after this.

Things was a bit stressful lately. Housemen are 'scanty' here in Hosp Sg Buloh. I think they initially decided to revert to the old system when they didn't have housemen, so they stopped the intake, but things started to get out of control when the existing housemen are 'dying', which make them requesting for houseman from KKM again.. haihhh... i hope a big bunch of HO will arrive soon.

I'm a doctor, but most of the time I cant understand the nature of abang's work... or I refuse to  understand :( I keep asking him, why do I go back at 7am the next day when I'm on PM shift, and why do you go back at 5pm?? Or why do I go back @ 5pm when I'm on AM shift, and why do you go back @ 1am??
Why?? Why?? Why do you come home and straightaway going to sleep without taking your bath? I was obviously blind to see that Mr Husband came home half dead huhuu. Abang was defintitely trying his best to be cool despite feeling very tired coming home to an emotional wife hehehe. I call him non stop, crying on the phone whenever he is doing his oncall. The house feels very lonely without him, I guess that is how much abang means to me ;p

So after a prolonged period of depression, coincidental with my first day of holiday, I decided that I need to take a break. A good break. I went out with Asma' to this one salon in Sek 7 Shah Alam, exclusively for muslimah. Guess what? I spent 5 hours there, and a a big chunk of my salary pampering myself and I came home with ammonium smell, and a strict rule not to have a hairwash for 3 DAYS but abang still smile and kept teasing me with regard to the new look ;p

We then bought dresses and the next day I indulge myself in buying makeups and what not haihh. And still plan to go shopping with Ummi tomorrow!

Today I have a new dream: to send Faheem to this school---> Darul Huffaz. way more expensive than his current school, semoga Allah murahkan rezeki Ameer Faheem.. And people keep asking me, :"When will the next one arrive??" My answer would be... when both of us are ready insyaAllah :)

At the end of the day, Maryam al batul will always be the old same Maryam al batul... It's only my third day and I've started to feel guilty to leave the book untouched hehe. Back to business as usual. Cant wait for abng to start his 1-week hol in 2 days time!

PD again

Enjoying the breeze of PD, enjoying the serenity of a holiday, enjoying the company of the men that i love.. life is such a bliss. Alhamdulillah :)

Working life is taking a 'sinister' turn lately.. we are so short of housemen such that we had to revert to oncall system. i went back in the morning after 24H in the hosp, then return back the very evening for another pm shift.. dont blame me when i fell sick again and again.. of course wonder a short holiday is extremely welcomed ;p

in the last entry i wrote, "3 weeks in O&G.." and now i'm writing " 3 weeks more before i finish O&G..." May Allah ease everything for me, and may i not be extended... T_T.