Craps

I woke up this morning with a very bad feeling.. but remembering that I have to do a formal case presentation with my mentor today, taking a leave was not a choice, so I kinda said to myself, "never mind, you can always go back after the cp" haha because I was dead sure I had the inclination to go back only after office hours. But I felt much better when Abang called, and recited few pages from the Quran for me.. Of course after he asked whether I have recited the Quran, and I had to give a sheepish "No" as an answer..

The CP was lousy, first thing becuase the history was lousy (not because of me ok :p but because it was just not a typical disease presentation), secondly I examined the patient a week ago, so when I was asked

"Did you examine the patient?"

I answered, "Em, I examined him a long time ago"

"Never mind, just tell us the findings a long time ago"

"I don't remember la, Dr"

"Oh ok, did you manage to inspect the swelling and the discharging sinuses?"

"Yyess... tp sekejap je, because actually the skin Dr nak inspect, the nurse turned the patient (the swelling was on the back), and sempat tgk sekejap"

"So can you describe it? Ke tak boleh jugak?"

"Tengok sekejap sangat, dah tak ingat dah..."

"You ni banyak betul alasan"

Aku tersengih kambing, Dr pun taktau nak cakap ape huhuuu he just laughed. Kenapalah aku lousy sgt huu. Finally he checked the patient's file, only to find a lousy documentation as well huuuu.

"Dr, kita buat la short case kat patient tu" (meaning we examine him on-the-spot)

"Hmm I think not much that we can find.."

I was prepared to be bashed on the history part, and even attempted suicide by suggesting the short case thing. Well, it was a spine case, and truthfully I'm not good at examining the spine..

Everything said and done. I went to the OT after that, and came back after 5.30pm (hahaa sangatlaa "awal"nya aku balik, way deviated from my original plan :D see i told ya!!). Was a bit drousy in the OT, when the surgeon talked of polygamy; I wonder why do men like to talk about polygamy huuu

My room is jinxed, because the moment I enter it, I start to cry. Missing abang tooooo muccchhhhhhhhh. So I asked Ummi to give me a call, discussed things with her.. and feeling better Alhamdulillah :)

Trying to build a home. Fullstop.

I have been delaying..for more than 1 month. Okay, I'm moving out. Adapting to a new environment isn't easy. Settling down isn't easy either. Now I start to question the decision- why of all things, I decided to move out from the hostel?? Oopps, I remember, it was the quest for a meaningful life ngeh~ oh well, now I clearly remember- the no-fridge, no-cooking in the mahallah, the rampant 'saman' activity, the...

I've been stufing the house with 'homely things' to make it bearable.. the sweet rose curtain, the yet-to-arrive cottagey white furnitures, the pinky toilet equipments, and of course the things that Ummi gave me (the cutleries, containers and all kinds of just-name-it kitchen thingies which she found in her kitchen) but still the house isn't a home..

I've tried spending time every now and then in the house, for few hours just to put myself at ease, being in the new house..Now I start to postulate, the thing that can transform it into a home are the nice smell of baking, the lovely scent of floor cleaner, the fresh aroma of newly washed laundries. Huu probably my bread machine is the thing that I need!! :p

I told abang, the house feels so empty, so unbearable..huu seriously I'm having a psychiatric problem. I just don't know how to fit in.. Or is it just that I don't want to miss the delicious Kuey Teow Kungfu from the mahallah cafe ?? (haha I buy it practically everyday)

Ahh I'm so dumbfounded.. and planning for another trip to go back home.. the dirty KL is a home indeed.. not in the mood to do anything anyway.. with another 2 weeks of ortho left..I kinda hope exam will take place tomorrow, and I will have my holiday huu, but then I'm not prepared, but yep time travels too slowly, and that gives me all the reason to go back again..hoping that time will crawl faster..really not in the mood to do anything...

I have to go to OT tomorrow.. sgtla malas..

I have on call tomorrow... sgt laaaaaaaaaaaa malassssssssss

Uh-uh, what have you done to the real Maryam????? psssssss........ Awal muharram baru je lepas.. New year pulak sket lagi, tp aku semakin malas... Astaghfirullah. Kalau orang tanya, di mana semangat kamu? Semangat saya ada di Jordan huuuu. Maaflah kepada abang yang setiap hari terpaksa tadah telinga melayan aku yg rindu2 kat abang, suke nangis2 lg ehehe.

Abang's final exam is approaching, another 2 weeks to go.. Chaiyok abang! Go abang go (dinyanyikan dlm tune Inspector Gadget ok). Go for your dream!! Me? Dream dlm tido zzz :D

Rasa nak tergelak bila teringat :D

With the abundant of notes screaming for completion, and the wasted times for shedding tears in missing abang, I guess finally I've found a tiny speck of chance to write something which isn't that worth of writing, but readable hopefully huh~

I have this 'bad habit' of talking too much. My evergreen victim? Ummi of course haha. I used to follow her around while she was busying herself with household chores of course, and talk about almost everything, and when she finally took a rest to enjoy the newspaper, I refused to call it a day, and happily continued with this activity haha. The thing is, I knew all along that she wasn't paying attention, and just replied with a careless "hmm" every now and then :D but that didn't dampen the spirit anyway. So I told her every single thing that happened in school, I told her about every single person that I encounter in very meticulous details (no wonder she usually can guess which is which whenever she meet my friends for the first time huu).. so the story is..

I continue to act that way in Medical school. Huu. But instead of telling her about my friends, I tell her about my patients, excluding the name for confidential purpose of course. My first posting was Paeds. I clearly remember I told her of a boy, whose mother was a single mother, She was a rubber tapper, and she had 13 kids to be fed. They lived in a small kampung house, with 2 rooms, together with her grandchildren- 16 people! I told her the boy wore worn out clothes, torn and stitched.. I told her with great emotion.. and guess what? I ended going to the ward, with a bag full of second hand clothes- ni my bros punya, yg still elok, tp dah tak muat size :), well they grow so fast! and some amount of cash- definitely not from me but from Ummi. I remember that mak cik was so touched, that she repeatedly said that she'd pray for my success etc.. when i was not actually my deed huuu...

That was the first time and definitely not the last time becuase I continue to promote my patients to Ummi hahaha. Now, I've started thinking of changing my career from a doctor to a politician, I seriously think I'm good at lobbying :p. Maybe I can be as good as Shahrizat?? huuu. The thing that struck me (and continues making me feel insaf huu) is my mum is a housewife with 0 (spell Z-E-R-O) income. But she doesn't mind in donating the little amount of money that she has huu (Ummi rajin kumpul sikit2 duit that abah allocates for food).

Last week, she asked me to search for a water filter at the shopping complex; she has been dreaming of owning an RO water filter that costs thousands of ringgit since years back I guess. (Ummi takut buah pinggang rosak if minum air not properly filtered hehe) So she has been saving some money for quite sometime (I think it's not enough yet, but nearly reaching her aim :D). But this week, I arrived home on Friday with another story of my new patient.. and she sacrificed some amount of money from whatever that she has..

Tapi aku? Dahla jarang bersedekah.. boros pulak tu.. huu really I should learn the lesson.
1. Jgn jadi kedekut, rajinlah bersedekah
2. Jangan jadi isteri yang suka habiskan duit suami
3. Pandai2 berjimat

................

Hampir genap 3 bulan aku dan abang berjauhan..

Air mata? Memang tidak tertahan..

And I have done so many things, name them- studying, shopping, excessive sleeping just to wash away the feeling.. but still...

Aku Sungguh3 merindukan insan ini... (T-T)

Farah's Wedding

My Abah
Athiq's Abah
Wan





My Ummi
A'thiq's mum

Awatif (my youngest sis in law) yg baru lepas menangis hehe

Our cousins.....

"Kak Maryam, Abg A'thiq mana?"

"Abg A'thiq kat Jordan"

"Kak Maryam, Abg A'thiq buat apa kat Jordan?"

".........."

they talk non-stop...

My sisters in law- Ipah, Ieman and Izzati

Snapped a photo with the bride :D

This entry is nothing of importance. Just few pics which I want to show to Abang who was missing in action hehe. Went to our cousin's wedding- Farah! Semoga perkahwinan dilimpahi barakah dr Allah :)

Jeleknya kesyukuran yg ada padaku..

Before I went to class, Abang asked me, kalau ada berita baik psl kwn ayang, ayang nak dgr dr kwn ayang or dari abang?
I answered "Abang"
He asked me lagi, "Kalau ada berita buruk pasal kawan ayang, ayang nak dgr dari kawan ayang or dari abang?"
I answered "Abang. Spy ayang tahu abang beratkan tentang kawan2 ayang"
Abang kata malam nanti dia nak cakap sesuatu.. I said ok..

I went to the Operaton Theatre today.. with a very hopeful feeling that I'd be able to do a case presentation. Lunch time was approaching and the Dr wanted to have his lunch, I couldn't contain myself and I cried..right in the OT huu (a habit I guess). Coincidentally there was a party in the nurse pantry in the OT (I don't know for what reason) and they invited us the medical students to join. With the wet nose, puffy eyes, the least that I wanted was to have a public appearance. So I just said thank you, but no thank you. Feeling very sad, I called Ummi. Ummi kata mana ada orang nangis sebab tak dpt buat CP.. And Ummi cakap rugi tak makan free especially when my friends said the cake and puddings were like heaven!! And I cried even harder. I smsed abang but he remained quiet.. Bertambah sedih. The feeling was like, sedihnya tak dpt CP, sedihnya abg jauh, sedihnya abang busy and sedih mcm2 benda lagi. But I was reminded that right at that moment somebody was having a harder and harsher time compared to me.. After quite sometime, Abang replied.He apologized for he was also busy in the Operation Theatre, observing cases of inguinal hernia and paraumbilical hernia. He told me to get my meal, pray 2 rakaat and remember that "Ada Orang yang lebih sedih dari kita sayang.. Abg dpt berita berkaitan 'Ukasyah semalam.."

I was left dumbfounded, trying to secure a meal (tak makan lagi seharian..). Terkedu dan terkesima. Jeleknya kesyukuran yang ada padaku... Astaghfirullah..

Tika itu..

This song is dedicated to Abang.. I want you to always be strong, I want you to continue fighting, I want you to patiently wait for me, and I want you... to know that I will always love you :D

Tika Itu from UNIC

Dan di ketika itu kita
Membina subur nur harapan
Terbina indah mimpiku
Terpatri sebuah ikatan
Hadapi segala rintangan
Indahnya sinar bercahaya
Dan di saat berbicara
Akan tekad yang di jiwa
Berpisah mengejar cita
Yang diimpi sekian lama
Kan ku abadi saat gemilang
Suka duka manisnya kenangan
Bersemadi di ingatan
Mogakan kekal sepanjang zaman
Hanya kuharapkan ketenangan
Melayari hidup sendirian
Dalam mengejar impian
Moga tertakdir rahmat di tuhan
Ku kan tetap bersama menuju impian di cita
Kepuncak kegemilangan yang tiada tara
Saat waktu kitakan pasti bersua akhirnya
Kita kan tetap bersama dalam mengejar cita

:)

It’s Friday again and 1 week has passed.
Yesterday was the worst I guess, when we had the Basic Orthopaedic Skill Workshop (which I EXTREMELY love) from 8 to 5, and my on call expanded from 6pm to 12am (and I enjoyed it to the most of course due to my mentor’s teaching, except the fact that I didn’t manage to do any case presentation- again!! Well my patient was wheeled to the operation theatre the moment we entered the ward huh such meticulous coincidence) BUT I hadn’ t done my case writeup and my case summaries and it felt like something heavy compliantly clinging on.. Back from the hospital last night, I was totally drained out of the last drop of energy to complete them and of course collapsed.. and awoken up to a nightmarish very early morning, for the due date is TODAY!!

I hesitated between tahajjud or completing the case writeup. Really I was stucked in such a desperate position huu. . Weighing between the 2, I rationalized that submitting the case writeup was “wajib” for me hehe but the qiamullail was sunnah :p

There are things that sometimes I tend to forget say for example the beauty of tawakkal, the ease experienced in trusting in Him, the serenity enjoyed in qiyamullail, the dependency on Allah, the hope found in du’a, the relief in knowing that life is just for a while, the anxiety triggered by remembering the hereafter… and so many things..

There are times when I feel what I gain is much less than what I’ve been working for eg I don’t perform well in medicine, I don’t perform well elsewhere, I don’t get what I want, I’ve worked so hard and about to reach the limit and yet my aim is far from reach. And that’s when I’ll take a pause to break down and ponder.. upon what I’ve gone through. And I take time to cry.. I am most grateful to have my family, for the things that we share among us. I can freely tell them “Abang kenapa ayang rasa ayang dah belajar tapi tak pandai jugak, tak dpt jawab soalan” “Ummi, I’m so tired and I still don’t get any CP” “I am so afraid that I’ll be a doctor who will kill my patient” and things like that. Of course abang kaya dengan pujian berbakul2 hehe, but sometimes I forget the beauties in life..

Abang kata, takpela hari ni bad performance supaya esok ada ruang for improvement.
Ummi kata, tak apelah boleh cuba lagi
Allah kan uji hamba yang Dia sayang untuk tambahkan keimanan
Dan kadang kita terlupa ilmu itu milik Allah, no matter how hard you have tried, and you still don’t own it, it is His right, to lend it to anybody that He wills..

Rasa sedih, kecewa, dan tewas dicipta supaya kita dapat merasai keindahan dalam mengharap kepadaNya, ketenangan dalam meyakini taqdirNya, kepuasan dalam mencapai cita-cita

And I am glad I chose tahajud over the case writeup Alhamdulillah :)

Oh well, it's crap again!

The sun finally returns, bringing along the cheerful rays, Alhamdulillah for that (although at times it can be extremely hot that it burns!!) And it’s the craving for ice creams again. Currently enjoying the sickening green choc chip mint ice cream, I’m longing for a place called home. That’s 1 thing I really enjoy- eating ice creams while lazing around in the house. How extremely unproductive other than few pounds added here and there under the skin. It has been 2 weeks since I last went back, and absolutely I yearn for another trip back to KL

Trying to wipe out the memory of an unfinished business- it’s the recurrent diagnosis of Case write-up procrastination. Friday is the limit, and yet I haven’t started working on it. My on-calls tomorrow!! I am searching hard for the scent of trouble huu. Really can’t possibly wait for graduation to become a housewife (huu don’t MBBS graduates to become a doctor??) –shutting my eyes shut- don’t bother to wake me up to face the nightmarish reality.

Am closely watching my weight in suspense as well haha, for I make a big improvement by taking perfect meals nowadays.. Abang is unshakably determined to set his eyes on me and make a close and strict monitoring- for the diet, and for the weight gain of course. I am still trying to adapt to the fact that my hubby really wants his wife to be plump haisyy- it kinda spell trouble for me huuu.

We don't go to the ward that much this week. Had a whole day of Rehab teaching on monday, a whole day of Occupational Therapy & Physiotherapy on wednesday, a whole day of Basic Orthopedic Skill Workshop on Thursday.. But the feeling to just get done with Ortho is still there.. It's not the Ortho thingy, but it's the holiday thingy huu. I desperately need the 2-weeks holiday haissyy..

The current hot topic is scholarship. Seems like everybody is having an anxiety attack, speculating when will the JPA scholarship be available. Haissyy again... Will turn 23 tomorrow insyaAllah hahaha glad that I'm only 23 when most of my buddies are horrifyingly staring at the figure 24 ngee~ But age is just another method of measuring when what matters most are your iman and amalan and taqwa.. I don't know why do I have to write these useless things here anyway, but oh-well I forgot that I enjoy rambling so much~~~

I wonder why am I not flourishing in all aspects.. Do I live as a good muslimah?? I'm doubting the fact...

I need a second helping of the ice cream!!!

Another crap material just to untangle the confusion huu

It's Friday, people!! Eagerly welcoming the weekend :D Though abang is still busy, and I still won't have that ample of a chance to chat with him. Haha today he becomes one of the panelist for a forum called Tatkala Cinta Bertasbih in Mafraq.. I wonder what is it all about. Told him that I've finished watching the movie (the 1st episode only though), and fall in love with the song but am wondering how could a love possibly bertasbih? Never mind.. I am actually unable to really interpret the song haha maybe I need the poetic expertise of my sister (can you imagine that she actually has a degree in English literature?? wonder how does her mind work though through all the vague arrangement of words that seem to be placed in inappropriate places huh to give another unrelated meanings; but ended being an Aviation English lecturer hehe. Probably the aviation thingy is hereditary. But oh well she is retiring anyway, confirming that the housewife gene has an even stronger influence ngee~). I remember once she asked me to read a poem (from her thick English literature textbook of course) and even further asked me to interpret (gosh!!???? was that a compliment or merely to point out my mechanic mind??). Well I did try.. and I confidently answered it was 100% about fruits- pomellos and all. Only to be pointed out that I was way deviated as the poem was actually telling the story of a woman (pregnant woman; if my memory doesn't fail me)

Back to school I guess. The effort to suppress malingering isn’t giving any positive yield. Really it doesn’t help when you have to introduce yourself by saying:

“My mother is a full time housewife. I have 2 sisters. The elder is retiring in 1 month, and the younger is now a full time house daughter”

And really it didn’t help at all when we went back to kg during eiduladha, people were asking my sis, “How’s work?” “Oh I’m retiring” “Are you sure? You are a lecturer!” “Oh yeah, I think I’ll enjoy being a housewife” and “Asma’ buat ape sekarang?” “Goyang kaki kat rumah” I think I do look odd huhuuu.. don’t worry, there’s nothing much to worry other than my spiking depression level. It really wasn’t me when the line blurted from between my lips, “I’m so depressed” closely followed by hyperactive lacrimal glands. Ummi replied, “Mesti ade hikmah…”

“Batul, balik kuantan kul berapa esok?”
“Not sure. Tengahari kot”
“G hospital esok?”
“Definitely” (while imagining a horrifying Monday should I neglect my patient).
“Sejak bila pulak kamu tak g hospital kan..”
“I have a great life there”
“Tak lama lagi nak grad. Setahun lebih je lagi..”
“Yup considering I have 2 years of housemanship, 10 years of contract with JPA.. sure graduation seems so near” (sulking + imagining how can I possibly become a doctor in 1 year plus huu. A terrible one I'm sure)

It seems like ages since the last time I complaint of medicine. and now I’m complaining…. again. I really shouldn’t! Don't worry, I myself choose to join the working men's club :p I don't know why but ever since I join the ortho world, I seem to lose every drop of confidence that I used to have. However I am not very keen with the idea that a muslim doctor is usually perceived as not very competent, or can't be a consultant. Yet I'm at the loosing end -sigh-

"Ayang nak apa utk birthday? Kawan abang nak balik Malaysia, nanti abang kirim hadiah"
"I want you. Boleh ke?"
"Nanti abang tanya kawan abang, dia larat bawak ke tak"
"Tapi takut luggage overweight tak lepas kat airport.."
"Abang pun risau overweight jugak"

I'm almost half-way ortho, really can't patiently wait for the 3rd posting to finish (with 2 passes of course huu)

What cud be more gedik than that??

The happy news is... kakak is now pregnant!!!!! We are all extremely excited.. for the arrival of the first baby in our family. Basically because my youngest bro was born when I was 7 years old, so I have no experience taking care of a baby before. Asma' was excited asking me to confirm the pregnancy JUST by palpating the pulse (hahaha ingat ni cerita kuingfu cina ke?? rasa pulse terus dpt diagnose pregnancy). And the 3 of us girls had a giggly girl talk.. and I was called to do an abdominal examination gahh of course it was not palpable, my dear. It's only 1 month!! I started planning my schedule next year (after calcualting her LMP/ due date of course), to go back home every week throughout her pueperium (because she must be staying at home during that time) undeniably, I'll be more interested in the baby rather than the mum herself hahaha.

And Yasir? Being the youngest one, he wholeheartedly rejects the gelaran "Ayah cu" or "Pak Su". Instead he happily opts for "FATHERLY CU". Euwww how much more disgusting can it be??

Secondly, a best friend of mine is also pregnant. Tahniah Ijatku sayang!!!!

Today is Wednesday. Had grand round at the ward today. Followed my mentor's clinic afterwards. By now I very nearly become nonviable out of gratefulness.. My groupmates won't hesitate to agree that we have the best mentor (i have only one mentor after all haha). Reason? We have teaching almost every day. I think that's worst than Ryle's tube feeding, that is practically a TPN (Total Parenteral Nutrition)!!! But still I am not flourishing ortho-ly, wonder what's wrong..

Truth is, I don't know why do I miss Athiq so much (should there be any question about that? huh. As if missing a husband's presence is the biggest miracle on earth haha). Tomorrow marks the 2nd month of our separation.. huu miss him damn much... (tears..tears...) I don't know how many times have I read and reread and reread the birthday card that he sent (although my birthday will be 8 days from now) and never feel bored of doing it. And even put it beside my pillow, so that I can have a look at it every now and then (very frequently indeed haha). He was quite busy with the tourism thingy during his hol, and now he'll be busy in the ward (I'm saying this while imagining that I have 25 FREE hours per day). He'll again be busy this weekend.. aiyaa my hubby is very busy huuuuu... no wonder I miss him so muchhhhh..................................................

I'm trying hard not to write in a melancholic mood. But truth is, I am. (symptoms of mogok??). Luckily a news leave me in an extremely happy state :D will later tell what is it (I am menumpang kegembiraan orang this time around), though I still think of Abang endlessly..

Batul, pergila baca Quran!!!!!