In response to Hana Insyirah's

Despite the sleepy aura that is enveloping me, following the last night on call, I still have the urge to write my personal say in response to Hana's article..

On my 1st day of Forensic posting, we got a case- my very 1st case; of a newly married 26 year old man who died (the cause was eventually found) of Acute Myocardial Infarct. Initially I wasn't aware of his NEWLY MARRIED status, when I asked a colleague, "Dia ni single ke?" When death is being dealt with, the 1st thing that comes to my mind is, "Agaknya apa yang ruh dia tgh buat skrg?". Secondly, "How do the loved ones react to this death?"

"Ya Allah Maryam, dia ni BARUUU JEE kahwin," a friend answered in a very dramatic way. "BARUU JE SEBULAN". I nodded. I was undoubtedly surprised, very surprised indeed. And I was not abnormal when the first thing that I thought of was- Athiq. I peeked through the window at the counter, to identify the relatives. Of course, I was trying to search for the wife. She could nowhere be seen. I only smiled at his parents. I inhaled a very deep breath and tried to relax, and asked this friend regarding the wife. Yes, she was present at the mortuary, her fingernails were still red with henna. I looked at my own hands, the fingernails were not red, and there were no engagement and wedding rings. Although I dislike colouring my fingernails red, and even further dislike wearing any jewelleries, suddenly I wanted to wear the rings very badly, the rings that Athiq bought for me himself, and feeling the serenity in knowing that I still have him, and I could still enjoy his love and care, and that he's still available for me to share my life with, and that he could still acknowledge and respond to my feelings.

Death is not an uncommon topic between a couple I guess, when Athiq likes to bring up this topic between us for an open discussion. For some reason, he likes to say that he thinks he'll die before I die (maybe he depends on the statistic that women lives longer than men due to the protective oestrogenic effect enjoyed by women). And that he's worried how will I cope (I guess he thinks I'm such a dependent lady, and that I'll definitely be a PSY patient should I face a death of my loved ones huuu). Ayat yang dia suka guna, "Ayang, nanti kalau abang pergi dulu, ayang jangan hidup dalam memori lama.. Ayang kena teruskan kehidupan, cari pasangan lain yang dapat bahagiakan ayang dan didik anak2 kita.." Me, as usual would turn 2 deaf ears to him huu, lest a Tsunami of tears would surely create a bizarre scenario. (I'm about to cry now, remembering these lines huu..). My usual answer, "OKAY" huhuuu.

If you are to consider between death and complete paralysis (you have to read hana's article hehe), obviously life would be choosen over death. But do you know whether in 4 years or 5 years taking care of such diasabled person, the same decision will be made again and again? I can't say, because I don't know, because I have never gone through that situation.. But generally a women is more caring.. sayang kat husband walau teruk macamana keadaan pun, tp a husband I personally think lebih cenderung untuk tinggalkan isteri and kahwin lain.

I never feel bored to bombard Athiq with Qs such as
"Abang, kalau ayang takde anak, abang nak kawen lain ke?"
"Abang, kalau ayang cacat, abang nak kawen lain ke?"
"Abang kalau satu hari nanti ayang sakit, abang akan tinggalkan ayang ke?"
"Abang, kalau ayang dah gemuk and tua and tak macam skrg physically, abang akan cari isteri yg muda ke?"
"Abang....." and all sorts of similar questions.. He usually tries not to answer, saying that I always have this negative thinking. By my own definition this is not pessimism, but rather a futuristic anticipation huuu (abang mesti tak setuju ni!)

The thing is, Allah always know what is best for us, and I really like to believe that ALLAH WILL NEVER TEST US WITH SOMETHING THAT WE ARE NOT CAPABLE OF FACING.. Dulu orang selalu tanya, boleh ke duduk jauh and kahwin ni? I said I didn't know because it was something that I had never faced before, but now I know.. And in such times, Allah will always guide you to go through it.. And if you strictly believe that this world is nothing but a mirage.. then you'll fnd the ease of heart that u have been searching for all this while.... insyaAllah

Following the forensic case, I searched hard for the things that will happen to the dead. I found out that there are few hadith Rasulullah telling us that the dead do listen to the livings..

but still, I humbly feel, to look at a paralysed person smiling face is much better than pouring out your kerinduan on a gloomy grave to a silent listener..