Unpaid Leave

Tonight, just like any night during this pregnancy, I cant sleep much. I will be awaken up by abdominal pain (gastritis), bloating and nausea. A sign that the stomach needs to be refilled... again.

Sometimes I go back to sleep, but on most nights, I spend 2-3 hours making a to and fro trip to the fridge, in between blank stares while sitting on the bed. Oh well, most of the time I stare at my sleeping child. When I manage to calm the gastric a bit, I perform Isya' and tahajjud prayer (I usually retire after maghrib, daily)

A month of unpaid leave means a lot to me. Means a lot to the arrogant me. Although I spend most of my time sleeping or throwing up, Allah has arranged just enough time for me to muhasabah. A life that I have lived, the dunya which I dont want to let go, a woman that I am now.

I miss abang so much, but I find it very hard to trust abang, I just cant explain why. But everything started coincidentally, so I guess it's the hormonal thingy which will pass away just like the hyperemesis gravidarum. Without basis. I find it hard to trust abang when he says I love you, I find it hard to trust him when he says the things that he says. Astaghfirullah. I try my best to pick up a fight which he dismisses effortlessly. Like seriously abang malas nak layan isteri ajak gaduh??? I feel like I am sacrificing here carrying his baby, and he is nowhere near to lend a helping hand. I wake up everyday and find my own food, prepare my own drink, on top of that I have to handle Ameer Faheem with Ummi's help. I feel like I go through this hardship alone, how can I not feel angry? But I forget 1 thing- I forget that abang is doing his best to fulfill the provision of the family.. kalau abang tak kerja macamana nak bagi nafkah pula kan?? isteri emo memang tak waras ok haha.

I always become moody when I feel so tested. Such as in this pregnancy. Down with all the early pregnancy symptom is nasty, but Allah has promised a wonderful reward should a woman be patient. Impatience. Sabar- that is 1 thing that I lack.

I woke up this morning with a very good mood. Abang is coming home in a week time, what could be more wonderful than that?? *all smile*  I planned for a haircut, for a spa visit just before he arrives, a new perfume and perhaps a new dress?? I promise myself not to miss my vitamin C to heal the acnes. Heeee. I was in such a good mood.

But the day turns out to be very bumpy. I was in bed almost the whole day, vomiting in between. and Ameer Faheem was mischievous, more than usual. If you havent grasped Ameer Faheem's character through my writings, let me tell you what Ummi has to say, "Ummi anak lima pun tak macam ni. Jaga Faheem sorang macam jaga 10 orang anak" That is my Ameer Faheem. A baby who turned prone before he reached 2 months old, who was very advanced physically, and who remains hyperactive till now. Everybody surrenders to taking care of him, and here I am struggling to make the best out of him.

Hari ni Faheem buat mommy menangis lagi. Menangis sebab rasa macam mommy gagal didik Faheem dan Faheem tak jadi macam anak sebaya yang lain. I felt so lost. Faheem kiss mommy non stop bila tengok mommy nangis. Basah habis muka mommy dengan air liur dia, mommy rasa nak muntah huuu. Dia pakaikan mommy jam (Faheem ni gila jam, so mungkin dia rasa mommy should feel happy bila pakai jam haha), dia usap2 kepala mommy. Kesian Faheem, Abang kata banyakkan berdoa, Faheem has sacrificed so much the past 4 years.. it is true, mungkin sebab Mommy n Daddy sibuk sangat di hospital sebelum ni, sampai takde masa untuk Faheem, Faheem jadi rebellious

When I woke up tonight, I sat on my bed and was reminded of abang's words, "Banyakkan Doa untuk Faheem" A serene night is a good time to ponder upon life. I realize one thing, Allah holds back something wonderful for Faheem because I refuse to let go of something that is so dear... sometimes we love something but we have to let it go in order to get something better.

I was a good medical student, from a good university insyaAllah. Well remembered by lecturers, with acceptable reputation. I was a good houseman, with good performance. I knew my superiors considered me as a a very reliable doctor. Almost everybody expected me to be a specialist soon, and I used to believe that. But reputation doesnt come easily without any sacrifices. I sacrificed my role as a wife and a mother. Our colleagues knew that abang has a brilliant wife but they dont know that abang has a wife who doesnt cook, doesnt breastfeed her child, doesnt teach Faheem how to read or potty-train him and doesnt do the things a wife-cum-mum should do.

We thought becoming an MO in Klinik Kesihatan would solve the problem. I have more family time. and would play better the role of a wife and a mum. But being the type A personality, I damn hate that. I dont want to be a clinic doctor, I miss the adrenaline rush working in a hospital, I hate it when abang (who works in Emergency Dept), sends me pictures of X Ray, of ECG asking for my opinion..because it emphasizes something that I am missing... the thrill of a doctor's life. Staying in the clinic (I'm sorry for being very frank) is very mundane and lame, continuing the same treatment all the time. I even ask abang whether I can join the hospital again. He never said no, but he wants me to be sure of what I am signing up to. But I know abang doesnt want that to happen..

Abang nak 10 anak, aku nak sorang je anak hehe. Kenapa susah sangat nak berkorban?? Kenapa? Kenapa??? And for that reason I promise myself if Allah grants me to transfer to Kedah, I really want to start anew.. I want to be the best mum, the best wife and I really want to let go the things that I should let go... even if it means giving up on my career.....

Ya Allah make things easy for me please... And in my Tahajjud today I found something which I have been missing for years... the serenity of tawakkal... And i found that during my unpaid leave...

Pregnancy is the happiest reason ever for feeling like crap!

Just in case you are wandering how does a mother inflicted with hyperemesis gravidarum (alahan mengandung) behaves....let me share the truth and nothing but the truth...

1. Sometimes they bath once every 2 days

2. AT MOST they brush their teeth once in a day, but the timing is not important. It doesnt have to be before bed or upon waking up in the morning. It can be during midday, evening or whenever she feels like it

3. Of course what they do best is vomiting. It can be mild effortless vomiting, it can be hard and strain all the abdominal and chest muscles, it can be sour and foamy- indicating gastric acid, or it can be greenish and bitter- bile, and most of the time the vomitus are flavoured! Mine was laksam, meatball, butterscotch, fruity taste and so much more.

4. They are also good at having abdominal distention, and *yucks* belch or pass flatus all the time.

5. They pat their tummy all the time, looking for that 'hollow' sound- angin

6. Frequent visit to the toilet indicating frequent urination (other than vomiting)

7. Backpain- My god, this feels like somebody has just hit my back with a wrench!

8. Smell- they dont smell nice nor do they look nice huuu

9. They 'crave' for certain food but usually they cant even look at it once the food is put in front of them

10. They shout and cry for no obvious reason

11. Suddenly they cant stand their husband or other family members, accusing them of offensive smell

12. They sleep longer than usual but most of the sleep are non-quality sleep. They wake up at short intervals

13. Acnes- as if the face is not enough, acnes also attack other areas such as neck and ear pinna!

14. Dont bother to ask them to do anything as the only thing they care about is their nausea, vomting and tummy discomfort

15. They whine about it all the time but sometimes they blog about it too.....

Well I can list down up to ...? 150 but I guess this should be enough for a birds eyeview ;P

Sanity sometimes can be missed!

Today I ask abang again to settle our transfer letter. Yes, we are going to apply for a transfer ;P hopefully it will be before my delivery is due. I dont know what Kedah has to offer us, but I know that I really want to move to Kedah.

Some people may think I may not be realistic because I am a dreamer. Yes I am a dreamer who take risks and strive to achieve my dreams! This blog which I started back in 2007 have witnessed my ups and downs, the risks that I took, the insane decisions that I made, and the achievements that has made me proud, Alhamdulillah :)

I know that I dont have a strong reason nor do I have a way or even bother to explain, but Kedah is the place where I want to start anew.To start carving my dreams from scratch, and to prove that a dreamer like me always have a plan laid out. The gnawing feeling from the delay in moving there simply put is exactly the same feeling in delaying our marriage, although at that point of time, the decision for 2 medical students living in 2 different continent, to get married was a totally insane decision! And the decision of these 2 medical students to have a baby during their final year was even more insane. No. I am not a person who leave things to chances. Everything was planned although the plan to some, may appear very crumbly and indefinite ;P

I dont ask for anything except for trust and prayer. I never offer any promise except that I'll stand up again if I fall. And for that 2 things, abang has managed to stick to this woman for years.

Trust me, I want to move to Kedah

Khabar saya di minggu ke 8

23 Januari 2015

Hari ni baby masuk 8 minggu. Masih dengan alahan. Dah lebih sebulan mengharungi alahan (bermula seawal kandungan berusia 4 minggu), tak nafikan rasa letih yang amat, breakdown, stress dan kerap menangis. Mengandung tak pernah mudah bagi saya. Tetapi jika dibandingkan dengan pengalaman lalu, ujian kali ini hanya secebis. Dulu saya alah sehingga saat ingin melahirkan, di sertai dengan macam2 masalah lain. Dulu saya tidak berpuasa Ramadhan sebulan penuh walaupun pada ketika itu kandungan sudahpun mencecah 5-6 bulan. Masih teruk muntah dan gastrik. Dulu dahlah tak berpuasa Ramadhan, abang tolong masakkan disiang hari. Bila balik kedah, mak pula yang sediakan nasi dan lauk. Malu pada orang berpuasa, tetapi itulah hakikat wanita mengandung, dalam keadaan yang begitu lemah sehingga mengharapkan ihsan insan lain.

Kali ini saya mengandung dengan Ameer Faheem, ujian pasti berbeza. Disaat diri terasa begitu lemah, saya tetap melayani kehendak Ameer Faheem. Basuh berak, mandi, sediakan makan minumnya, Mujur Ummi terlalu banyak membantu. Makan saya pun pada ihsan Ummi. Dia yang sediakan makanan, dia yang belikan keperluan roti, biskut, ubat dsb, dia yang basuhkan kain baju, dia juga yang cuci pinggan mangkuk.

walaupun Faheem kadangkala begitu nakal sehingga membuatkan saya menangis, tapi ada banyak waktu keletahnya menggelikan hati. Sebab dah biasa sangat tengok Mommy muntah, dia selalu pesan

"Kalau mommy nak muntah, mommy ambil plastik tau"
"Kalau mommy rasa nak muntah, mommy minum air teh tau"
"Kalau mommy nak muntah, mommy makan ubat tau" (sambil dia g check ubat saya atas meja dapur) "Ok good mommy, pandai mommy makan ubat" katanya bila nampak ubat saya ada yang dah dikoyakkan.

Saya tidur 12-14 jam sehari. Saya masuk tidur seawal 7.30 malam, sebaik selepas solat maghrib. Tapi jadual tak ubah macam orang yang sedang beastfeeding. Setiap 2-3 jam saya akan bangun isi perut. Perut akan terasa sangat pedih dan loya, kadang2 jika terlewat isi, akan bermulalah episod muntah muntah. Saya selalu bancuh teh panas untuk buang angin. Saya tidak pernah tinggalkan rutin makan ubat tahan muntah, ubat gastrik.

Selalunya Faheem masuk tidur lebih lewat. Semalam bila saya terjaga dalam 10pm, saya rasa ada banyak benda atas katil. Ada ball, ada ironman, ada berus gigi! Tak lama lepastu FAheem masuk bilik untuk tidur. Dia pun mulakan sesi pesan memesan macam orang tua

"Mommy, Faheem nak tidur dengan kuda 'mika mika' (macam tu kot sebutan, x pasti), ball, orang. Mommy tidur dengan berus gigi k" ??????? Apa bendalah dia suka merepek, patutlah ada berus gigi atas katil. "Kalau mommy rasa nak muntah, mommy pegang ball ni k, faheem bagi mommy pinjam" ????? Ball faheem tu boleh hilangkan loya ke??? Adoilah anak tapi mommy iye kan aje.

Pastu dia sambung
"Semalam Faheem rasa nak muntah, lepastu Faheem minum air atas lantai toilet, Pastu Faheem dah tak rasa nak muntah"

Euwwww semalam saya marah dia sebab ternampak sambil dia mandi, dia ambil air atas lantai toilet  dan buat kumur. Mommy semakin pening and rasa nak muntah T_T

Bila dah tak tahan sangat, saya mesti message abang dan cakap dengan abang, "ayang dah tak nak  mengandung dah lepas ni....:"

Berusaha untuk jadi lebih sabar!

Breastpump dah sampai!

Alhamdulillah semalam g buat dating scan ;P Baby dah 7 weeks Alhamdulillah, due date on 5/9/2015. Scan di Nex Radiology (NR), tempat buat detail scan Faheem dulu hehe. Pening bila bawa Faheem and Safiyya. Nampak macam mak anak ramai, suka gaduh plak tu.

Lepas buat scan, abang bawa makan di kedai mamak just across the road. Beli lamb chop, tapi tak lalu makan. boleh telan few french fries. Tapau bawa balik. Sampai rumah, solat and tidur sampai pagi. Bangun subuh, rasa lapar sangat, tetiba nampak lamb chop macam begitu menyelerakan. Panaskan dan makan habis licin! ;)

Sebenarnya nak bagitahu yang breastpump dah sampai semalam!! Haha excited. Tapi tak boleh nak buat breastpump review sebab tak pro pun dalam bab ni. Waktu lahirkan Faheem dulu, I used spectra 3. Tapi tak suka bp ni sebab few reasons. Paling tak suka sebab berat and tak handy. Pump dia bentuk kotak and leceh nak bawa ke mana mana. I think that was the main reason I stopped pumping. Tak lalu nak angkut bp tu ke hospital. Spectra 3 bising and sucking dia menyakitkan huuu.

I've also tried few other breast pumps such as Eve Love and Medela FS. Tapi tak berapa berkenan dengan suction both pumps, rasa macam tak boleh empty breasts. dua2 breastpump tu belong to my sisters, and diorang pun comment the same thing. Eve love dah selamat dijual kembali.

Initially nak sangat try snow bear kali ni. Baca review ramai orang kata best. Tapi takde double pump, so terpaksa reject. Finally I settle for Spectra M1. Ramai yang prefer this to Medela FS. So cuba nasib hehe. Dapat pakej murah, plus Spectra M1 compatible dengan Freemie Collection Cups, x payah beli extra tubing. Dah jimat di situ!

I bought from Hafsah Collection. Dapat pakej yang agak berbaloi. Spectra M1 + 8 storage bottles + Autumz cooler bag + 1 Ice brick
Semuanya for Rm499 alhamdulillah :)

Freemie Collection Cups

OMG I noticed 2 new acne today!!! Memang subur gila jerawat tumbuh. But this is nowhere near my experience pregnant with Faheem. Penuh jerawat 1 muka, muka berminyak gila2 and I think I looked so hideous like a 50 year old woman! Bukan setakat jerawat, tapi hyperpigmentation everywhere and stretch mark. Tapi Alhamdulillah semua hilang lepas bersalin.

Oh sebenarnya nak cerita pasal Freemie Collection Cups as promised ;P

Hari tu search pasal breastpump, terjumpa Freemie Cups (FC) ni. Terus rasa macam sangat practical dan wajib dimiliki. Of course orang first yang saya akan consult tentang benda2 macamni tentulah my sisters yang dua2 ada baby dan memang agak gila into baby stuff. Asma and Kakak kata benda ni receive many good reviews so i became more confident to buy. I tried to search pengalaman orang yang pernah guna ni dan ramai kata best. Tapi initially Asma cadangkan beli FC sekali dengan Freemie breast pump. Tengok harga sekali dengan postage lebih kurang 1.4k. Itu kalau beli direct dari Freemie (a US company) Kat Malaysia tak ramai guna Freemie breastpump rasanya tapi this pump memang receive good reviews. Padahal kalau pos ke US, harga lebih kurang RM700 je huhu.

Apa benda sebenarnya ni??

Ok kan biasa kalau beli breastpump, kita akan dapat breast shield yang disambungkan ke botol susu. Bila kita pump, susu akan terus masuk dalam botol. Masalahnya agak leceh sebab kita kena pegang botol tu dekat dengan breast. So tak handsfree.

Lepastu orang start guna handsfree breastpump bra which looks something like this. Still i think it makes a woman look like a female version of inspector gadget huhu, and I just cant imagine doing that at home or work

So FC kind of solve the problem. A woman only need to put the cups in their bra, and they can connect the tubing to a breastpump. Some put a small BP in their pocket or at their belt. A small and silent breastpump wont give you away, and you are free to pump anytime! In the clinic, while doing ward rounds etc.

Tengok harganya agak mahal. Rata rata jual dengan harga lebih kurang RM330. Rasa macam tak berbaloi beli cup sahaja dengan harga tu. Gigih search, akhirnya terjumpa satu kedai yang jual dengan harga RM249! Kebetulan saya beli breastpump yang compatible dengan FC, so tak perlu beli anti backflow yang berharga lebih kurang RM55.

Alhamdulillah dah jimat sikit :)

Saya beli kat sini http://www.lelong.com.my/merchant/livelystore.htm tak pasal2 dia dapat publisiti free haha.
Saya letak juga link ni sebab dah tahu dah mesti ramai PM minta link kedai

Milkman with fresh milk at my doorstep!

I woke up today with high hopes, but Allah knows best. Pregnancy is a bumpy ride, you just don’t know when you are going to hit the bump. And it turns out today is one of my bad day. The pregnancy symptom is a bit worse today and I’m on my back all day long.

I actually woke up at 3 am today. I don’t sleep through the night these days because of the gastritis. At most I need to fill up my stomache at 4 hourly interval. Sometimes 2 hourly or I’ll end up having a nasty vomiting. When I woke up, I was immediately reminded of a slot I heard in IKIM recently about Camel Milk. Susu Unta. A new enterprise that imports camel milk in 2 forms- fresh and premix. Switched on my laptop and searched hard, at 3am in the morning!

Last week I asked abang whether Rasulullah drank goat’s milk or camel’s milk. Abang said both. I want to minimize taking processed, flavoured and preserved food as much as possible during pregnancy and breastfeeding and throughout my whole life. I am done with Maggi. The writing 'monosodium gluatamate, colouring' glares at me and gave me nightmares T_T And I have promised myself that I will do whatever it takes to have a healthy baby weighing between 3-3.5kg at birth. Choosing a good milk is important in my knowledge and by maternal instinct haha

I drink ESP- Energizing Soy Protein. ESP is very good in my opinion as it gives me the energy that I need, rich in minerals and vitamins and it keep my skin health checked! But I also want to practice Sunnah. After much consideration (and I fail to find imported fresh camel milk) I resort to Goat Milk. I was very surprised to find that we can actually hire the service of a milkman! Right here in Malaysia. They deliver fresh goat milk right to our doorstep at an affordable cost!!! Oh yes, I was so excited that  after Subuh, I smsed this milkman asking whether he could deliver it today. He said yes, and I patiently waited ;P

He came at 3pm on a motorcycle. Ameer Faheem went to the gate, paid him and took the milk. Frozen. 12 bottles at RM68, 250ml. Coinicidentally his cousin safiyya was there. Safiyya tanya, “Apa ni?” Faheem answered, “Susu kambing untuk mommy and faheem” Eh??? Bila masa pula susu ni untuk faheem?? Hahaha. Tapi Faheem memang suka minum fresh milk pun, kalau beli susu lembu, sekejap je dah habis.

I put 1 bottle in the chiller and kept the rest in the freezer. The concept is similar to EBM. You have to thaw it first, and once thawed you cant put it back in the freezer. It has to be drank within 1-2 days, kept in the refrigerator. Rasa dia?? Extremely awesome Alhamdulillah J Rasa macam susu beli dalam kotak, tak berbau pun. And minum sejuk2 memang heavenly. Anything for my baby J Btw mommy terpaksa share dengan faheem huuuu.

So much to share, so much time to spare ahaha~

One thing that i never want to miss is writing a journal of my pregnancy journey. I am sure my kids will love to read them one day ;) as much as i love to listen to ummi's own experience.

I am now in my 10th week of pregnancy but the scan showed 6 weeks. I have to repeat it in 2 weeks time to reconfirm. I am entering my 2nd week of unpaid leave. And I am still down with nausea and vomiting, and abdominal bloating and light headedness and occasionally headache and diarrhea and no-appetite. oh well I can actually give a long list of absolute negativity, but hey I am pregnant! And that word kind of sum up all the wonders in this world ;) Plus what i am experiencing now is not even half of what i experienced during my 1st pregnancy, which was definitely WORSE!!!

Ameer Faheem is 4 years old. By the time I deliver this baby, he'll be almost 5. Everything is going according to the original plan Alhamdulillah. I have always wanted a 5 year gap between my children. I became very confident to get pregnant again because of Ameer Faheem.

My Ameer Faheem is still the same naughty and cheeky Faheem. I can turn into a monster, tarzan, troll or whatever whenever he is around. It is not easy to control a creature which the universe calls b-o-y. He sleep, play, eat and make me mad all the time hahaha. And give me the guilt for being such a momster (monstrous mom). But hey he is growing, he is smart and he is reliable now. He is good around babies and kids, his small cousins love him. He can make babies laugh and he somehow reminds me of my little sister Asma who was like the pied piper to small kids. Kids practically followed her around.

Ameer Faheem calls himself Abang Faheem, he keeps telling everybody that he wants adik, so I guess this is the right time to have another baby. I dont want to have another child simply of having another child. And I dont want to challenge my sanity taking care of a baby when Ameer Faheem himself doesnt understand what does a sibling mean, and try to abuse the baby at all time. Mothers have found their kids (who are still very young and being very clueless) trying to suffocate their babies with a pillow etc, and I dont want to encounter such happening. Thus I delayed till the right time arrives :) Alhamdulillah, thummalhamdulillah. All praises to Allah

Memang abang. Tidur gaya atuk.

Just before we moved to Kelantan, we had my IUCD removed. And since then I was amenorrheic. 4 weeks, 5 weeks, 6 weeks. By then I suspected the pregnancy becuase I had few bouts of light headedness in which i almost blackout in the clinic especially when i try to stand from a sitting position. Few UPT (Urine Pregnancy Test) came back as negative. I let it be. Then came the flood. The massive and ugly flood in K. Krai. For almost a week we stayed in the Clinic, operating it 24 hours. I was tired, I was cranky and emotional, and I was nauseated at almost all time. I kept telling abang rasa nak muntah, rasa pening. And I kept asking abang the same question "Abang rasa ayang pregnant ke tak?" And he said "Kan dah check UPT hari tu, negative" Married to me for 6 years, abang knows his wife very well I guess. Isteri tak tahan duduk dalam keadaan banjir, takde air, takde elektrik, takde proper food, sebab tu tak sihat. At one point I myself believed that. It was just and adjustment thingy to the hardship during the flood. Yet at the back of my mind the issue lingered. I texted my bestfriend, Dr Hana. I asked her, "Hana, you rasa I pregnant ke x?" Hahaha boleh plak tanya kat orang macam tu ;p Hana cakap probably sebab baru buka IUCD, period tak regular.

And then we flew back to KL when abang got 2 days of holiday. I was still not feeling satisifed. Kakak gave me a pregnancy test kit, I tested and saw 2 lines! Alhamdulillah. I felt numb because I planned for the pregnancy, but definitely not in the disastrous condition of Kuala Krai....

My 5th UPT

will continue later ;)