Soal hati..

Have been writing and keeping it to myself lately. Probably because of their melancholic nature. I'm getting more and more emotional these days ahaha~

I'm the type of person who 'absorb' experiences quite excellently. Uh in a simpler way of explaining, I tend to internalize things that I see, I hear, etc into emotions, perceptions and even dreams thus explaining the frequent nightmares haha. For example if I (be it accidentally) hear somebody talking about simple robbery, I will usually dream about some high level robbery committed by hideous monsters armed by extra modern guns etc occurring in some nightmarish planet. That is how advance my imagination goes. Heyy it's not like I'm enjoying any bit of it, but yes it happens almost everyday huu~ Thus abang has these been carrying out these protective measures to at least minimize the imagination huu, for example, prohibition from watching freaking videos, prohibition from listening to frightening stories, no involvement in weird discussions etc..

Abang has been careful...too careful until yesterday morning when he 'invited' me to watch a video- it was actually a recording from a tv show, interviewing a mother and her 20+ year old son who lives like husband and wife after the death of her husband (which is the son's father). They are Indonesians, and they are proud to own up. How gruesome! Doing something wrong from religious aspect (any religon, man. i don't know whether they are muslims or not but if they are then it is even more messed up!) is one thing. Not realizing it is wrong from the fitrah aspect is another thing. Not feeling ashame to own up is even more unbelievable! Appearing on TV as if to tell the world, "Hey, what's wrong with that?" is so killing my sanity. They are INSANE. Oh only insane people can do that. And oh insanity can also run in family~

I didn't finish watching it, I just couldn't challenge my sanity. What kind of world am I living in right now? I kept thinking about it, and yes I still can't get it out of my mind~ How awful...

Speaking about other things...

Abang came back home on Wednesday telling me...,"Junior abang baru admitted kat hospital KAUH. AML (Acute Myeloid Leukemia)"

Me... "Siapa?"

Abang.... "Ilham Ellani. Dia MINDEF"

I replied.."Dia presented dengan apa?"

Abang..."Tak sure, abang tak tengok dia lagi. Bahaya ke?"

Me..."Kata cancer..." I refused to explain and discuss further

Friday... Ameer Faheem and me waited in front of Yarmuk Univ Mosque for abang to finish his friday prayer. When abang arrived, a friend of him came to us... explaining about Ilham's father who is coming to Jordan but needs regular dialysis. he asked abang about the procedure in KAUH

Abang..."Macamana ye nak buat dialysis?"

Me... "Abang kena tanya KAUH la procedure macamana.. Lama ke ayah dia nak duduk sini?"

Abang..."Sampai dia sembuh"

Me... "Oh ayah dia pindah sini terus ke?" (if you are a doctor [even if you are not], you will realize that leukemia is not a disease that comes and go like cough and flu.....)

Abang... "mmmm..."

Saturday...

Abang was in the toilet, I checked my FB.

al-fatihah buat ilham ellani..moga rohnya d tempatkn bersama mereka yg beriman..dr ALLAH kita dtg, kpd ALLAH jua kita kembali... cukuplah mati itu sebagai peringatan..

Me... "Abang!!!!!! Junior abang yg AML nama apa? Ilham Ellani ke?"

Abang..."Haah. kenapa?"

Me... "Dia dah meninggal....Diorng britahu dlm FB"

Abang... "Hah?????" He came out of the toilet to check his FB...

Innalillahiwainnalilaihi rajiun...

Tak habis palpitation tengok video mengarut... kini berita kematian dia menambah sesak di dada. Sesak dengan sebak dan sayu.

Aku tak pernah mengenali dia yang bernama Ilham Ellani. Tak pernah bersua wajah, juga tak pernah mendengar ceritera tentangnya. Cuma namanya meniti dibibir abang saat2 akhir kehidupannya. Tapi mungkin kerana ikatan aqidah, dia yang tidak pernah sebelum ini mencelah jalan cerita kami, pemergiannya untuk selama-lamanya mengundang seribu kesayuan. Dia yang tak pernah kukenali tapi Allah hadirkan dia dalam hidupku walaupun cuma untuk seketika, sebagai pengajaran yang cukup mengusik jiwa. Ilham Ellani baru sahaja pergi, dan apa yang pasti aku PASTI AKAN menyusulinya...

moga roh Ilham Ellani ditempatkan bersama roh orang2 yang beriman dan bertaqwa...moga roh kami jua suatu hari nanti...

Memang cukup mati itu sebagai pengajaran. Yang ditinggalkan akan meratapi, tapi yang pergi pasti lebih banyak urusannya... Ya Allah permudahkan urusan kami semua seusai meninggalkan dunia..