Bizarre thoughts

I haven't started on the casewriteups.. probably because today is public holiday, i think i deserve a rest.. had a little chat with umar, and i was accused of being lazy hehe..lama tak jumpa adik yang sorang tu, rindu.. teringat dulu2 suka ingatkan dia baca quran, selalu juga ketuk pintu bilik dia suruh bangun solat subuh, and even now when we chat, i do the same thing,, "Umar, baca quran.." and he will answer "tau...". then i would go on, "umar, study rajin2" then he would answer "orang tengah stay up study la ni.." then i'd say with relief "ok..". Recently he uploaded his pics, the hair has reached his shoulder, and ummi mistakenly thought that was me.. :) ummi ni, takkanla upload gambar tak bertudung dalam facebook huuu, but seriously he looks exactly like me!! sampai ummi pun boleh tersilap :p

sedar tak sedar i have been browsing the internet since early morning (with a break when i went out shopping with yasir) and now it is almost 6pm. takde arah tujuan sangat sebenarnya, but i'm waiting for abang (athough i don't put my hopes too high, since i know dikala hujung bulan ni, internet connection abang is always faulty).. rindunya nak dengar khabar abang..

whenever i go online, the first thing that i'll do is to check my email, dengan harapan ada email dari abang. then i'll check my facebook, juga berharap ada message dari abang, then i'll check my blog, to check whether abang has left any footprint there hehe..itulah adat orang berjauhan.. :) abang jarang sms, nak jimat katanya. huu kesian abang, slalu kena berjimat. ok, enough of the accusation from my bros, telling me that i like to 'habiskan' duit abang haha. A successful wife is the one who succesfully consume the husband's money..ke tak?? should ask abang how succesful I am on the scale of 1 to 10. He'd probably rate as 10!!! (kidding gee~) many people said to me, "seronoknya maryam dapat g jordan, dapat jumpa husband.." etc, tp i'd always give a smile and a short answer,,"yang seronok 3 minggu, yang bersedih 4 bulan.." 4 bulan berjauhan dari abang. i myself don't know from where do i get the strength to continue on without abang..tapi itulah janji Allah that he will never test His 'abd with something that he/she isn't able to go through.. Alhamdulillah for that :)

Hakikatnya bila sampai jordan, perkara yang paling menggembirakan adalah dapat bertemu abang. Terlalu menggembirakan sehingga hilang rasa asyik utk melihat negara orang.. Many a times when I was in Jordan, I was asked, "until now where have you been, which places have you visited? Dah pergi syria? Boleh shopping baju kat situ. Dah pergi Petra? Pergi palestin?" I'd just go numb, and asked myself "a'ah lah, mana yang aku dah pergi ye kat jordan ni???" The answer is "nowhere". Then I'd just say that abang was busy with class and we didn't have enough time to travel anywhere.. That is quite true.. but the most true of all true things was.. i just want to be with abang..and at times i don't even want to travel anywhere because it merely means less QUALITY time with abang.. Abang ada juga plan nak g turkey, but I declined that offer, he proposed that we go and play in the snow in Ajloud but I also refused.. The feeling is not the same as when you go to a place with the intention to travel :)

Sedih berpisah Allah saja yang tahu.. sampaikan at the airport, as I go through the numerous inspection booths, i was asked by the inspectors on why i cried. i actually cried almost non stop until i almost reached klia. but 2 weeks has passed, and as i go through life, i just learn to adjust alhamdulillah :) tak menangis as bad as a week ago when i felt life was so cruel, and my condition was so hopeless hehe. and when my housemate asked, i just said "entahlah terkenangkan nasib diri dan hidup yg macam hopeless" how extremely pessimistic i can be at times!!! :p So I busied myself with baking and selling cakes.. people keep giving me surprised exclamation on how can i have time to bake with the busy clinical years, and i'd just shrug my shoulders.. if you want to do something, then you will do it.. and baking to me is a actually a stress-coping mechanism. i remembered once before i got married, i worked in the uia cafe because i had this very serious homesickness, and i felt so hopeless and i wanted to take my mind off the home thingy (i was seriously thinking of quitting medicine just because i don't want to be 240km away from home), so i worked. kerja teruk and the pay was small and worst with the boys working there trying to flirt with me (macam tak paham pulak i am a muslimah, pakai jubah and tudung labuh lagi, takkanla nak menggatal jugak!!!) but the pay was not my main concern back then, and i lasted for 2 days only hehe. people wondered why do i have to work in the cafe, but mimi loyally send me carrot juice to the cafe heh (my favourite fruit juice, and i bought it almost everyday with mimi in matric. she would bought air jambu batu, and she still drinks that a lot now hehe)

since my bag was stolen, i guess it is a good reason for me to fill up the wardrobe with new clothes hehe (perempuan mana2 pun suka bergaya, with few exceptions of course. but clearly i'm not the exception huu). asyik browse the internet for tudung (i want to buy more tudung indonesia), but will just abandon the activity with a sigh.. kalaulah abang ada, boleh ajak abang g shopping tudung huu (although i know abang won't even care about the fashion :p) walaupun abang tak berapa interested kot.. i always like to ask him,
"abang, kalau ayang pakai tudung indon ok tak?"
"abang ok je, asalkan tutp aurat"
"abang, kalau ayang pakai tudung oren dengan niqab hitam ok ke?"
"takpe, takde masalah.."
"abang, ayang suka pakai high heels.."
"abang pun suka ayang pakai"
i think he always answer without properly looking into the matter
tapi...
"abang, kalau ayang tak pakai niqab boleh tak?"
haha now he'd stop doing anything and look at me
"err, ayang nak buka ke? abang lagi selesa kalau ayang pakai..."

people like to debate in the issue of niqab. personally i don't think niqab is the tradition (sunnah) of the wives of the prophet, but it is the tradition of the arabs.. and i wear it not because i think wearing the niqab specifically is advised in islam, but because it helps me in nurturing haya' (perasaan malu), and haya' is actually a characteristic of a mu'min & mu'minah insyaAllah :)

And abang, if you are reading this, let the world know that I miss you extremely!!!!!!!