Somehow I don't care how many hearts have I broken, how many souls have I turned down, I just have to move on.. May Allah bless those who have sincerely given me the infinity of space to breathe a breath of hope and step a step of improvement while I only manage to reply with a feeble thank you.. I'm so torn...
I shouldn't feel so at ease (Really I am not) when I haven't even finished the case writeup- have been procrastinating since last weekend and now I'm regretting huu. Moving out is also an issue on this rainy day, whoaa.. I'm addressing the most basic issue- laziness. My patient is another issue; failed to check out on her yesterday (was not in driving mood due to the chronic rain), definitley I've no other options today- ya ya hosp here I come.
Hasan Basri Rahimahullah said
I'm openly brooding over a family trip to Melaka this weekend (I'm the only one being left out because of the tight schedule gahh. Really should do something to take off my mind from it). Pondering back upon it, yep it was a hectic week. With my seminar on wednesday (Alhamdulillah presented :D), my on calls on thurs n fri, And as for the weekend, I'm planning to move out form the hostel huu.. Someone PLEASE give me a break!
Studying is another big issue. My depression is obviously not on a sliding scale as I journey along the path of Ortho.. the more classes I attend, the more teachings I obediently follow, the more BHT I read, the MORE I realize my mind is empty of the precious jewel called knowledge. I was asked in the ward round regarding the lower limb (of course I failed to answer), went back and study vigorously on lower limb, expecting to vomit out everything in the next session, but it turned out that I was asked on the upper limb (hand) the next day. Then it was vigorous study on upper limb, only to be asked on pelvic anatomy n fracture the next day. Ahhh!!!!! Demotivated sometimes, but I know that there is no such thing as giving up huuu. Logbook is not progressing much, which adds up to the burdenful stress huu. I guess the greatest motivation that I have are the ortho text books that Abah have bought for me and posted by Ummi to Kuantan. Graduating in 1.5 years???? That seems a bit too far-fetched, what type of doctor will I be?? Haihh macam tak competent je.
Abang has started his 2 weeks holiday (Raya Haji) ,he must be feeling very lonely and missing me much (aishh perasan la pulak haha). He wants to come back very badly, but being a cruel wife, I....... advised against it huu.. 1st thing the ticket is not cheap, secondly it's only a 2 week holiday, 3rdly, I'm quit busy with Ortho (nanti abang sedih asyik kna tunggu sorang2 huu, and I'll feel sad tak dpt bg layanan istimewa kat abang), 4thly................... The conclusion is I will celebrate Eidul adha without abang.. that makes me feel a bit sad but tolerable insyaAllah as I think I won't do much other than redeeming the lost sleep.. How I really miss him...
On my 1st day of Forensic posting, we got a case- my very 1st case; of a newly married 26 year old man who died (the cause was eventually found) of Acute Myocardial Infarct. Initially I wasn't aware of his NEWLY MARRIED status, when I asked a colleague, "Dia ni single ke?" When death is being dealt with, the 1st thing that comes to my mind is, "Agaknya apa yang ruh dia tgh buat skrg?". Secondly, "How do the loved ones react to this death?"
"Ya Allah Maryam, dia ni BARUUU JEE kahwin," a friend answered in a very dramatic way. "BARUU JE SEBULAN". I nodded. I was undoubtedly surprised, very surprised indeed. And I was not abnormal when the first thing that I thought of was- Athiq. I peeked through the window at the counter, to identify the relatives. Of course, I was trying to search for the wife. She could nowhere be seen. I only smiled at his parents. I inhaled a very deep breath and tried to relax, and asked this friend regarding the wife. Yes, she was present at the mortuary, her fingernails were still red with henna. I looked at my own hands, the fingernails were not red, and there were no engagement and wedding rings. Although I dislike colouring my fingernails red, and even further dislike wearing any jewelleries, suddenly I wanted to wear the rings very badly, the rings that Athiq bought for me himself, and feeling the serenity in knowing that I still have him, and I could still enjoy his love and care, and that he's still available for me to share my life with, and that he could still acknowledge and respond to my feelings.
Death is not an uncommon topic between a couple I guess, when Athiq likes to bring up this topic between us for an open discussion. For some reason, he likes to say that he thinks he'll die before I die (maybe he depends on the statistic that women lives longer than men due to the protective oestrogenic effect enjoyed by women). And that he's worried how will I cope (I guess he thinks I'm such a dependent lady, and that I'll definitely be a PSY patient should I face a death of my loved ones huuu). Ayat yang dia suka guna, "Ayang, nanti kalau abang pergi dulu, ayang jangan hidup dalam memori lama.. Ayang kena teruskan kehidupan, cari pasangan lain yang dapat bahagiakan ayang dan didik anak2 kita.." Me, as usual would turn 2 deaf ears to him huu, lest a Tsunami of tears would surely create a bizarre scenario. (I'm about to cry now, remembering these lines huu..). My usual answer, "OKAY" huhuuu.
If you are to consider between death and complete paralysis (you have to read hana's article hehe), obviously life would be choosen over death. But do you know whether in 4 years or 5 years taking care of such diasabled person, the same decision will be made again and again? I can't say, because I don't know, because I have never gone through that situation.. But generally a women is more caring.. sayang kat husband walau teruk macamana keadaan pun, tp a husband I personally think lebih cenderung untuk tinggalkan isteri and kahwin lain.
I never feel bored to bombard Athiq with Qs such as
"Abang, kalau ayang takde anak, abang nak kawen lain ke?"
"Abang, kalau ayang cacat, abang nak kawen lain ke?"
"Abang kalau satu hari nanti ayang sakit, abang akan tinggalkan ayang ke?"
"Abang, kalau ayang dah gemuk and tua and tak macam skrg physically, abang akan cari isteri yg muda ke?"
"Abang....." and all sorts of similar questions.. He usually tries not to answer, saying that I always have this negative thinking. By my own definition this is not pessimism, but rather a futuristic anticipation huuu (abang mesti tak setuju ni!)
The thing is, Allah always know what is best for us, and I really like to believe that ALLAH WILL NEVER TEST US WITH SOMETHING THAT WE ARE NOT CAPABLE OF FACING.. Dulu orang selalu tanya, boleh ke duduk jauh and kahwin ni? I said I didn't know because it was something that I had never faced before, but now I know.. And in such times, Allah will always guide you to go through it.. And if you strictly believe that this world is nothing but a mirage.. then you'll fnd the ease of heart that u have been searching for all this while.... insyaAllah
Following the forensic case, I searched hard for the things that will happen to the dead. I found out that there are few hadith Rasulullah telling us that the dead do listen to the livings..
but still, I humbly feel, to look at a paralysed person smiling face is much better than pouring out your kerinduan on a gloomy grave to a silent listener..
Staring at Athiq's YM & Skype status is indeed depressing (though I know he's busy in the hospital huhuuu, but sometimes I do hope for some miracle to happen such as he is online), which explains my arrival here in this blog just to let the time dashes before me even knowing. Well I do wonder how do the housemans manage their lives though.. Truth is I'm a bit upset over something today, but Allah always knows BEST isn't it? He won't test a person unless he/she is capable of being tested. And worldly life is not that of a single-chance.. unlike in the akhirah.. when one regrets their previous lives and very badly want to return to this world just to perform ibadah, but of course it'll be impossible... naudzubillah, may His Jannah will be our eternal place..
I'm now about to enter my 3rd ortho day, trying to picture a not-so-bright immediate future within 12 weeks from now.. err hoping to see a flicker of light at the end of the tunnel? huu.. my only motivation is the slowly approaching 2-weeks holiday at the end of the posting huhuuuuu. I guess the start wasn't as bad as had being told before.. and the fact that the ortho pillars (the great Doctors) are mostly very fartherly and helpful brighten the prognosis by few percents.. though I don't know how will the transformation take place during exam when exacerbated by our stutterings, blocked thoughts and blank minds...
Tiring? A bit, when I came back from the hospital at around Maghrib even on the 1st 2 orientation days.. Well it was our fault as well, as the 10 of us clerked 1 patient TOGETHER! How our mentor laughed at that, imagining 10 medical students (erk there were 11 of us!! since wani is actually a 2 in 1 person hehe with the baby cosily tagging her around) hovering over a timid 12 yer old boy.. It's the spirit of togetherness I'm sure :) hopefully it'll remain till the end of the posting, when all of us can leave for good; WITHOUT a TCA (To come again), and leave not with just a pass, but with a body of ortho knolwedge competent enough to be applied in practise.
Huu it's the logbook-filling thingy again!!! Looking forward something today :p...........................................
But I do miss Abang very badly, as bad as the IIUM wireless internet connection huu because I am now feeling unsure of whether the connection is really there for us... yep, I spend more time to connect, only to be automatically disconnected immediately.....................................
The Dr told us to increase our knowledge 10% per week. Thus 100% in 10 weeks. 1 week consists of 5 working days, thus 2% per day. but the rate of loss??? a simple mathematical calculation indeed!!
These 2 books belong to Mimi. When I borrowed this book, whe was quite surprised because seriously I'm not the type of person who loves to read books such as "Jadilah wanita plaing bahagia etc.." or specifically motivational books huu. But I guess sometimes you do need a mild dose of motivation.. or because I am in such a desperate position to be a subject of enviousness to the Bidadari Syurga?? Probably.. Um well.. maybe Abang can sense that I nurture envy very succesfully..since I don't only envy other women but bidadari syurga as well!!
From these 2 books, I get new motivation..
Untuk menjadi seperti Saidatina Khadijah, apabila Rasulullah mendapati padanya TEMAN PERJUANGAN dan KESETIAAN MENGGUNUNG:
Suatu ketika Rasulullah mengenangnya, "....Dia beriman kepadaku ketika semua mansuia ingkar. Dia membenarkanku ketika seluruh manusia nmendustakan. Dia membantuku dengan hartanya ketika semua manusia menahan harta mereka..." HR Ahmad
Untuk menjadi seperti Saidatina Aisyah, apabila Rasulullah mendapati padanya KEREHATAN PENUH CINTA:
"Nabi SAW biasa meletakkan kepala di pangkuanku walaupun aku sedang haidh, kemudian beliau membaca Quran" HR Abdurrazaq
Dalam riwayat lain disebutkan ketika sakit Rasulullah menghendaki hari bersama 'Aisyah sehinggga isteri-isterinya mengizinkannya berbuat sebgaimana yang beliau suka. Beliau ingin berada di rumah 'Aisyah hingga meninggal (HR Bukhari)
Dzikwan meriwayatkan bahawa 'Aisyah pernah berkata "Sesungguhnya kenikmatan yg diberikan Allah utkku adalah Rasulullah meninggal di rumahku, di hariku bersamanya, di dalam dakapan dan pelukanku.."
Menjadi seperi Nailah al Farafishah al Kalbiyah yang padanya Utsman ibn Affan dapati KETULUSAN..
bilamana pasukan pembangkang mengepung rumah Utsman lalu menerobos masuk dan mendapati beliau sedang tilawah. Mereka menghayunkan pedang ke tubuh tua Utsman, maka Nailah segera melindungi sehingga jari jemarinya terputus..
Atau seperti Aminah Quthb, isteri kepada Kamal Asy Syanariri (mujahid dakwah agung dr Syaikh Dr Abdullah Azzam) yang menuliskan syair kenangan untuk suami tercintanya dalam Risalah ila Asy Syahid
Ahh... terasa begitu jauh untuk menjadi seperti mereka.. Mereka yang mendampingi mujahid agama. Namun itu bukan penghalang untuk memasakkan langkah pertama.. kerana aku memang ingin sekali agar sekalian bidadari cemburu padaku
Life is just like a dream that passes as fast as clouds..
It is mere hour of time that soon fades away...
It is a journey that has already started and will soon come to an abrupt end...
-an excerpt from Silent Moments by Abdul Malik al-Qasim-
Work righteous deeds, beware of Allah, the Exalted ans Modt-Honoured, and neither be betrayed by long hopes nor forget the end of life. Do not recline to this life, it deceives with its pleasures and anticipated future.
Life has beautified itself for those who seek its hand in marriage and became like the bride, to whom the eyes are staring, the hearts are directed and the souls are dedicating their love. How many a lover of this life has it destroyed? How many are those who rejoiced in it only to be betrayed soon after? Therefore look at it with the eye of truth, for it is a dwelling that has many traps and een its creator has belittled it. The new of this life soon becomes old, its kinship quickly vanishes, its mighty becomes disgraced, its abunant becomes little, its affection dies out and its pleasure perish.
Therefore wake up, may Allah grant His Mercy to you, from your sleep and be alert from your slumber, before it proclaims that so-and-so (you) has become ill or his movement has become heavy. Are there guides who lead to the cure and direct to the healer then? The doctors will be summoned for you, but they will render your recovery as unlikely. It will be then proclaimed that so-and-so has counted his wealth and wrote his will and testament. It will be said that his tongue has become heavy and so, he does not speak to his brethren or know his neighbours. Then your forehead will become sweaty and sighs of pain continuous. You will feel certain that death is approaching; your eyelids will become heavy, your doubts will turn to certainty, your tongue will mumble and your brethren will weep for you.
You will be told that this is your son and this is your brother, but you will not be able to speak, nor will your tongue b able to move. Then, the appointed destiny will overtake you and your soul will be deatched from your limbs and ascended to heaven. Your brethren will now gather around you, your shroud will be brought forth and they will wash you and wrap you with your shroud.
Those who used to visit you will cease to do so...
and those who envied you will put at rest their enviousness...
Your family will direct their attention at your wealth..
while you will be tied to your actions..............
I have my own share of bad smell, nausea and vomiting in the mortuary, a fair share in braving traffic jams and not to forget, the haunting nightmares, waking up crying during the night only to make Athiq feel stress huuu (the only irony is my increasing appetite!!)
Being in the mortuary isn't something any sane human would dream of or worst; die for... (uh-uh we-ll, as a matter of fact, one really 'DIE FOR' a mortuary haha when one can only get into the mortuary once he/she is dead). But on the other end, I have to admit that I learnt a lot. First, I learn to pray hard that my body will not be investigated and post-mortemed. Second, I think hard of what happen after death...and feel... afraid? Just imagine when you are in the autopsy room (the room where post-mortems are carried out), a dead body laid on a steel bed, before your very eyes... and you start to wonder.. What is the ruh doing? Does the ruh look at the body from above? Can the dead hear us? Can they understand? Macamane keadaan dia dihadapan Allah? Gembirakah? Sedihkah? Adakah mereka ingin kembali ke dunia dan beramal..? endless questions... And when these questions are haywiring in the brain just like neurotransmitters during seizure... you start to reflect upon your own life.. What have I done in the almost 23 years of my life? Have I done enough? Am I prepared to leave this world to meet my creator? Do I feel my life is meaningful..? Do I regret the way I treat my loved ones? I don't know... I'm in such a bizarre state of mind........................