I slept for 12 hours, 6pm to 6 am, while waking up for more than 10 times in between. My sleep pattern is getting worse and worse. I have stomach ache and bloating since yesterday evening... because I finished 1 whole papaya alone huu.. not a slice but sebijik! Hmm that reminds me of my early pregnancy phase.. tapi nak sgt2 makan betik..
Exam will be on monday and tuesday insyaAllah, and then....? Not sure whether I'm going home or not.. Ameer is getting even more active lately, I wonder why.. probably he's trying to tell me, "Mommy your gut is really noisy! I simply can't sleep.."
Abang will sit for his Dermatology exam today.. his 3rd specialized posting. And me? I'm getting lazier as exam approaches..
Lately...
selalu rasa nak marah...
selalu rasa nak mengamuk...
selalu rasa nak menangis...
selalu rasa malas..
selalu rasa down...
selalu tak berterima kasih pada orang lain..
selalu tidak mensyukuri...
Menopausal symptom??
Or....
sebab kurangnya baca Quran lately??? Kurangnya khusyuk solat?? Kurangnya mujahadah untuk qiyamullail?? Kurangnya berpuasa?? T_T
Thursday
Wednesday
I decided to do on call today, hoping for few emergency D&C or laparascopic surgery huu, really I'm getting desperate. Alas, I lose to my own lack of motivation and dozedoff :p
Never mind, I am finally going back!!!! Have already bought the bus ticket, monday will be public holiday, and currently considering to take tuesday off as well haha. Pemalas tak??
Exam insyaAllah will be on the 1st November, obviously I am (as susual) barely half-way done, I'm so pathetic. Can I just make a break-away from all these for a while? P/s: and give myself some leisure time to miss the husband? No way! I'll cry gallons.
The news is, I've lost 0.5kg for the past 1 month! and yet baby is growing alhamdulillah. What's the point of learning to palpate others' uterus if you can't palpate and monitor your very own right? hehe. If anybody is wondering what I would like to have for my coming birthday, then it'd be a CTG (cardiotocograph). Sometimes I get anxious when I can't feel his movement :p The happy news is, we have chosen a name for our little one :DDD and yes, it will be Ameer. But I'll give the honour to abang to announce it later, after his birth insyaAllah. We don't just call him ameer because.. okay okay I admit, I made a list of names for our kidS haha. abang lebih2 plak suruh buat a complete list for 7 children! uiks, abg nak ngandung ke?? heh heh. so we decided that the name Ameer will be given to all of our boys insyaAllah. kotla ada rezqi lagi... :) Ameer means a leader, a prince. I started using the kun-yah Ummu Ameer some 6 years ago, when Ust Maszlee said there's no harm in calling each other with kun-yah, it's a form of prayer. That's what I keep praying for, that 1 day I'll become a wife to a good man, that one day I'll become a mum to a son whom I'd call Ameer. And I've never expected that everything will be answered this fast, Subhanallah Allahuakbar walillahilhamd! Alhamdulillah for all His bounties... and may I remain being a grateful 'abd despite the ni'mah bestowed upon us... and may Ummu Baihaqi will get Baihaqi soon insyaAllah :D Haisy semakin tak sabar tunggu for the moment Ameer sees the world... I'm 6 months pregnant. People say "Cepatnya!!!" I say "adoi, lamanya...3 more months to go!" But still, it feels like yesterday when abang and me anxiously did UPT after UPT, it feels like yesterday when we patiently counted "Baby turns 6 weeks today", and he is now 6 months old.. Alhamdulillah .
I think almost every night I dream of giving birth huu. Witnessing deliveries is really distressing you know, it scares you. It is such an ugly, painful and dirty process but once the baby comes out, everything becomes wonderful. The embarassing dorsal or lithotomy position, the nauseating amniotic fluid smell, the messy show, the ketotic breath, the stool that comes out with the baby, the prominent facial veins upon straining, the cries in agony.... but once you see the baby in the mother's arms, you simply forget the whole process, and before your eyes is the most amazing scene you can ever lay your eyes upon.. That is how wonderful sunnatullah is :)
Maybe I should stop rambling now and attend to some real business...
Never mind, I am finally going back!!!! Have already bought the bus ticket, monday will be public holiday, and currently considering to take tuesday off as well haha. Pemalas tak??
Exam insyaAllah will be on the 1st November, obviously I am (as susual) barely half-way done, I'm so pathetic. Can I just make a break-away from all these for a while? P/s: and give myself some leisure time to miss the husband? No way! I'll cry gallons.
The news is, I've lost 0.5kg for the past 1 month! and yet baby is growing alhamdulillah. What's the point of learning to palpate others' uterus if you can't palpate and monitor your very own right? hehe. If anybody is wondering what I would like to have for my coming birthday, then it'd be a CTG (cardiotocograph). Sometimes I get anxious when I can't feel his movement :p The happy news is, we have chosen a name for our little one :DDD and yes, it will be Ameer. But I'll give the honour to abang to announce it later, after his birth insyaAllah. We don't just call him ameer because.. okay okay I admit, I made a list of names for our kidS haha. abang lebih2 plak suruh buat a complete list for 7 children! uiks, abg nak ngandung ke?? heh heh. so we decided that the name Ameer will be given to all of our boys insyaAllah. kotla ada rezqi lagi... :) Ameer means a leader, a prince. I started using the kun-yah Ummu Ameer some 6 years ago, when Ust Maszlee said there's no harm in calling each other with kun-yah, it's a form of prayer. That's what I keep praying for, that 1 day I'll become a wife to a good man, that one day I'll become a mum to a son whom I'd call Ameer. And I've never expected that everything will be answered this fast, Subhanallah Allahuakbar walillahilhamd! Alhamdulillah for all His bounties... and may I remain being a grateful 'abd despite the ni'mah bestowed upon us... and may Ummu Baihaqi will get Baihaqi soon insyaAllah :D Haisy semakin tak sabar tunggu for the moment Ameer sees the world... I'm 6 months pregnant. People say "Cepatnya!!!" I say "adoi, lamanya...3 more months to go!" But still, it feels like yesterday when abang and me anxiously did UPT after UPT, it feels like yesterday when we patiently counted "Baby turns 6 weeks today", and he is now 6 months old.. Alhamdulillah .
I think almost every night I dream of giving birth huu. Witnessing deliveries is really distressing you know, it scares you. It is such an ugly, painful and dirty process but once the baby comes out, everything becomes wonderful. The embarassing dorsal or lithotomy position, the nauseating amniotic fluid smell, the messy show, the ketotic breath, the stool that comes out with the baby, the prominent facial veins upon straining, the cries in agony.... but once you see the baby in the mother's arms, you simply forget the whole process, and before your eyes is the most amazing scene you can ever lay your eyes upon.. That is how wonderful sunnatullah is :)
Maybe I should stop rambling now and attend to some real business...
Monday
Reminiscing the old days, not useful anyway :D
This post is of no importance... AT ALL. It is just that every now and then you feel like writing something.... useless... to others, but important to me perhaps. Or is it all the time??!
I'm in my 5th O&G week, another case write-up needs to be submitted this friday (of course I haven't started on it), log book should be submitted next friday and 1 more week before the exam :D Umm wait, why am I smiling??? This is weird, especially when I haven't started preparing for it :D Never mind..
I haven't gone home for quite long, and not planning to be home anytime soon. I'll try to bear the days defore the exam, and then perhaps I can enjoy playing with safiyya :D Ok, I am missing home like mad. Full stop. But I have this weird theory, that f I go home less, Ill somehow perceive the time runs (runs fast!!) instead of crawling like a snail.. and perhaps I'll somehow feel abang won't be gone for too long T_T -pathetic- It's like you are trying to fool the mind...
I'm tired with the hospital. Fine. I'm tired with labour rooms. Nothing could be done anyway.
The thing is, I do nothing useful today other than reading the smses which abang gave since the day we tied the knot. Haha. Superbly pathetic. It has been more than 1 year.. Saje sembang2 petang dengan abang reminiscing the old days :D, we tied the knot in June 2009, but abang went back to Jordan after 2 weeks. We lived far apart for 6 weeks, then abang came back for 6 weeks- our 1st raya together. abang went back, this time around for 3 months, and then I came to Jordan in January to Feb for 3 weeks after I was done with Ortho. I then continued with my specialized posting for 10 weeks, and I was damn anxious waiting for the exam result as we were hoping that I'd pass and be able to do elective in Jordan. So I flew back to Jordan in May, and stayed there for 2 months (but I did my elective for 1 week only huhuu. I was so sick by then), then I came back to malaysia to start my final year. Abang followed 5 weeks later, our 2nd ramadhan and 2nd raya together Alhamdulillah. And now abang has gone back to Jordan for 3 weeks, planning to be home again in 4.5 months time when I deliver the baby insyaallah. Whoaa I guess that's the longest in history.. Huu abang lamanye... abang ok tak?? :D
Some people would just shake their heads, thinking we're insane huu. I don't even know how do we survive so far.. with the baby coming. But step by step, one step at a time, then 1 day look back, and you'll be surprised at how far you have travelled. I guess that is what we did, though in heavy tears. But we don't cry as much as before. I guess human just learn to adapt, not in a short period. And put aims at short intervals, then you try to achieve them one by one.
I remember when abang first left me, we cried like mad. he called me in the departure hall, when he has just boarded the plane, at transit airports, when he has just arrived, in the taxi on the way home, senang cerita, I think I talked to him more than anyone else in my life though he was thousands of miles away. I cried at the tiniest thing, I cried just by entering our bedroom, I cried when I look at his clothes, I cried when i drove my car, I cried when I was preparing milo, remembering how he used to prepare it for me when he was around. Man that was really messy huu. We smsed each other all the time haha that was real mess.
But being around my family did help in tremendous ways. How thankful I am that I have them in reach, all the time. As for now, of course I miss abang, at the simplest thing, as simple as smelling his neck when I hug him. But mission after mission, then you realize that you are actually travelling instead of being in a status quo. As for now, I'm aiming at abang's promise.... :p and yes, I Am working hard..
I always write things with reason (despite my usual statement that it is useless haha), probably it is sometimes too subtle that no everybody can pick it up. But be strong, everybody :D
I'm in my 5th O&G week, another case write-up needs to be submitted this friday (of course I haven't started on it), log book should be submitted next friday and 1 more week before the exam :D Umm wait, why am I smiling??? This is weird, especially when I haven't started preparing for it :D Never mind..
I haven't gone home for quite long, and not planning to be home anytime soon. I'll try to bear the days defore the exam, and then perhaps I can enjoy playing with safiyya :D Ok, I am missing home like mad. Full stop. But I have this weird theory, that f I go home less, Ill somehow perceive the time runs (runs fast!!) instead of crawling like a snail.. and perhaps I'll somehow feel abang won't be gone for too long T_T -pathetic- It's like you are trying to fool the mind...
I'm tired with the hospital. Fine. I'm tired with labour rooms. Nothing could be done anyway.
The thing is, I do nothing useful today other than reading the smses which abang gave since the day we tied the knot. Haha. Superbly pathetic. It has been more than 1 year.. Saje sembang2 petang dengan abang reminiscing the old days :D, we tied the knot in June 2009, but abang went back to Jordan after 2 weeks. We lived far apart for 6 weeks, then abang came back for 6 weeks- our 1st raya together. abang went back, this time around for 3 months, and then I came to Jordan in January to Feb for 3 weeks after I was done with Ortho. I then continued with my specialized posting for 10 weeks, and I was damn anxious waiting for the exam result as we were hoping that I'd pass and be able to do elective in Jordan. So I flew back to Jordan in May, and stayed there for 2 months (but I did my elective for 1 week only huhuu. I was so sick by then), then I came back to malaysia to start my final year. Abang followed 5 weeks later, our 2nd ramadhan and 2nd raya together Alhamdulillah. And now abang has gone back to Jordan for 3 weeks, planning to be home again in 4.5 months time when I deliver the baby insyaallah. Whoaa I guess that's the longest in history.. Huu abang lamanye... abang ok tak?? :D
Some people would just shake their heads, thinking we're insane huu. I don't even know how do we survive so far.. with the baby coming. But step by step, one step at a time, then 1 day look back, and you'll be surprised at how far you have travelled. I guess that is what we did, though in heavy tears. But we don't cry as much as before. I guess human just learn to adapt, not in a short period. And put aims at short intervals, then you try to achieve them one by one.
I remember when abang first left me, we cried like mad. he called me in the departure hall, when he has just boarded the plane, at transit airports, when he has just arrived, in the taxi on the way home, senang cerita, I think I talked to him more than anyone else in my life though he was thousands of miles away. I cried at the tiniest thing, I cried just by entering our bedroom, I cried when I look at his clothes, I cried when i drove my car, I cried when I was preparing milo, remembering how he used to prepare it for me when he was around. Man that was really messy huu. We smsed each other all the time haha that was real mess.
But being around my family did help in tremendous ways. How thankful I am that I have them in reach, all the time. As for now, of course I miss abang, at the simplest thing, as simple as smelling his neck when I hug him. But mission after mission, then you realize that you are actually travelling instead of being in a status quo. As for now, I'm aiming at abang's promise.... :p and yes, I Am working hard..
I always write things with reason (despite my usual statement that it is useless haha), probably it is sometimes too subtle that no everybody can pick it up. But be strong, everybody :D
Wednesday
Tired
Went to the ward at 6am today, just to cover my patients for the round with Dr Raja Arif. Became so sleepy and irritable. It was hot in the ward and I felt like stripping off the whitecoat and throwing it into the dustbin, for good huu. The heat intolerance become so intense, that I have to sit in the surau everyday single day, only returning to my room at 12am. P/s abang please take note, I weigh 54kg today! sama berat ngan abang :p Had a long afternoon-to-evening-to-maghrib nap today, and dreamt of weird things! First I dreamt that I was in the high risk labor room, watching a lecture hall-sized slide, showing how a mento-anterior and mento-posterior face presentation baby will be delivered. Someone kept repeating "kalau mento-posteriro the head has to be hyperextended. Susah" That was exactly what dr raja said during the round huu. And on the slide I viewed the pic that he drew during the round. Well, he admitted that his pic was not good, and I had to heartily agree haha.
Then a nurse asked me what are the signs of fetal distress. A colleague said tachycardia. And she irritatingly and repeatedly said "No, tachycardia is late. Before that? What is before that?" In the dream I repeatedly recited the sequence which Dr Azha said during our long case yesterday, deceleration-no acceleration-reduce in bit to bit variability,tachycardia and finally bradycardia. Then niza kept calling me to ask which restaurant do we want to book for dinner haha. Man, that was all in a dream. I'm so haunted with the medic life huu. I did some complaining to abang, and slept. I woke up late for my maghrib prayer yet felt very fresh. Took my bath, performed my prayer, ordered my dinner, and currently staying in the surau to start my night Alhamdulillah :)
Then a nurse asked me what are the signs of fetal distress. A colleague said tachycardia. And she irritatingly and repeatedly said "No, tachycardia is late. Before that? What is before that?" In the dream I repeatedly recited the sequence which Dr Azha said during our long case yesterday, deceleration-no acceleration-reduce in bit to bit variability,tachycardia and finally bradycardia. Then niza kept calling me to ask which restaurant do we want to book for dinner haha. Man, that was all in a dream. I'm so haunted with the medic life huu. I did some complaining to abang, and slept. I woke up late for my maghrib prayer yet felt very fresh. Took my bath, performed my prayer, ordered my dinner, and currently staying in the surau to start my night Alhamdulillah :)
Monday
Piccies snapped by the dad :D
Hasiy baru nak bersedih sedih, rasa nak tergelak pulak tengok gambar budak sorang ni, amoi da pandai gelak besar!!!! an extremely cheeky face expression as if there's a handful of tricks in her pocket. Dude safiyya, I'm so missing her!!!
Aliaa: anda memang pembaca tegar haha :p
Me: Presented my part in the Gynae Emergency seminar today. 1 more month to go before i sit for the exam, i am deprived of CPs (what a boring statement) huu. Checked that I am eligible to gain 18kg in this pregnancy, due to my pre-pregnancy weight of 44kg :p Relieved. Missing my significant other like mad. Abang, enjoy your posting :D and gudluck for the around-the-corner exam. And do pray hard for me and baby :)
Sunday
it's 3.50 am and I woke up with the urge "I've got to write someting" No post doesn't mean I've stopped writing, being a writer who actually ventilates the emotion through writing. I used microsoft word and had some problem publishing them in the blog. It's saturday, the end of my 3rd week, and sunday marks the start of my 4th O&G week. I have on call on Sunday T_T. The only reason why I'm wide awake right now is because I have to happily make to and fro trips to the toilet every night. Nocturia? It's not because of UTI (Urinary Tract Infection), it's because I just can't stop drinking, I feel thirsty all the time. GDM? (Gestational Diabetes mellitus??). One thing that really irritates me.. U sleep for no more than 2 hours before the urge come huuu it is so distressing, but not as distressing as the nausea vomiting in the early part of the pregnancy. Well it's just part of the parcel. Pregnancy comes in a package you know, starting with the NV, abdominal bloating which resolved around 4.5 months, then the back pain (which actually started early on around 3 months), then the thousands of acne which persisted since the last period if I remember correctly till now, then the hot intolerance which urged me to stay in the air conditioned surau, then the lethargy since the first trimester, continued with some degree of breathing difficulty with makes me eligible to be NYHA-ed huu. Really I think I can't take the stairs anymore (P/s I'm living in the mahallah for a while, level 4!!!!), the minute I reach my level, I just can't breathe anymore. One of these days surely I'll pass out huu but above all, I'm so worried with the weight gain T_T huuu 9kg in 20 weeks, how awful does that sound? Sure I have such a huge workload after delivery..to reach the pre-pregnancy weight huhuhuhu
And yet, baby is growing beautifully Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah :) kicking me like mad all the time, assuming my tummy is a futsal court I guess. 7 scans so far including a detail scan which we did in a private setting when abang was around, and 3 scans to confirm the gender haha, tak sopan langsung, suka kangkang2 je and show mommy his toot as if to say, "Mommy, I'm a boy!!!", if the baby comes out to be a girl, really I won't completely trust ultrasound for the rest of my life haha. Nama? Haven't given that issue a serious thought huu, guess both of us are still trying very hard to adapt with the hectic life (hectic in the pregnancy sense, trying to deal with all the complications huuu)
I'm really working hard for O&G, at least to fill up the logbook. Probably I had enough of poor performance in IM huhuu. And baby has his own adventure following mommy treading the hospital ground for 36 hours straight doing oncall after oncall. Most of my time are spent in the hospital, because I can't bear the thought of climbing the flight of stairs to reach my room huu. By the way he is now up and about at 4 am!
It's been 2 weeks since abang travelled afar, it's terribly lonely without him, but at times I'm just glad he's not around -huh??- with the crazy O&G life and oops I've just started paying visits to other wards (when others have done that since the ancient times sigh~) trying to revise and hold on dearly to whatever scanty knowledge that is still in my grip with regards to other postings, surely there's nothing you want more once you hit the bed or carpeted surau floor but to lose your consciousness in a deep sleep, not worrying of abandoning your other significant half. It's a fact, relationship is a two way thingy. You can't expect to get more than what you give, but surely you'll have to give without really hoping for a return (such a rare occassion gah). It's a fact. I remember once, I was so occupied with other things, when abang suddenly came and said "Cepatlah pujuk abang, pujuklah abang" Haha I was so stunned, but fortunately had an immediate recovery to realize that I had for so long subscribed to 'husband abandonment'. That was during my NV episode actually :p So I hugged him and said, "kesian abang ni, terbiar je, xde sapa layan" hahaha how lame my answer was. Abang's absence spells more freedom for me, and it also means more rindu-rinduan. Yep we miss you dearly, abang! Be strong k :) I just can' wait to finish the whole medic business huu, may Allah ease my journey towards graduation.
Btw congratulation to Anim n Zubir for the arrival of cute Hadeef, congratulation to Mawaddah n Hafiz for the arrival of cute Uwais and do pray for us, so that everything will turn out just allright :D Congratulation to Izzah and Idris who became husband and wife on 25th September, Alhamdulillah :)
And yet, baby is growing beautifully Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah :) kicking me like mad all the time, assuming my tummy is a futsal court I guess. 7 scans so far including a detail scan which we did in a private setting when abang was around, and 3 scans to confirm the gender haha, tak sopan langsung, suka kangkang2 je and show mommy his toot as if to say, "Mommy, I'm a boy!!!", if the baby comes out to be a girl, really I won't completely trust ultrasound for the rest of my life haha. Nama? Haven't given that issue a serious thought huu, guess both of us are still trying very hard to adapt with the hectic life (hectic in the pregnancy sense, trying to deal with all the complications huuu)
I'm really working hard for O&G, at least to fill up the logbook. Probably I had enough of poor performance in IM huhuu. And baby has his own adventure following mommy treading the hospital ground for 36 hours straight doing oncall after oncall. Most of my time are spent in the hospital, because I can't bear the thought of climbing the flight of stairs to reach my room huu. By the way he is now up and about at 4 am!
It's been 2 weeks since abang travelled afar, it's terribly lonely without him, but at times I'm just glad he's not around -huh??- with the crazy O&G life and oops I've just started paying visits to other wards (when others have done that since the ancient times sigh~) trying to revise and hold on dearly to whatever scanty knowledge that is still in my grip with regards to other postings, surely there's nothing you want more once you hit the bed or carpeted surau floor but to lose your consciousness in a deep sleep, not worrying of abandoning your other significant half. It's a fact, relationship is a two way thingy. You can't expect to get more than what you give, but surely you'll have to give without really hoping for a return (such a rare occassion gah). It's a fact. I remember once, I was so occupied with other things, when abang suddenly came and said "Cepatlah pujuk abang, pujuklah abang" Haha I was so stunned, but fortunately had an immediate recovery to realize that I had for so long subscribed to 'husband abandonment'. That was during my NV episode actually :p So I hugged him and said, "kesian abang ni, terbiar je, xde sapa layan" hahaha how lame my answer was. Abang's absence spells more freedom for me, and it also means more rindu-rinduan. Yep we miss you dearly, abang! Be strong k :) I just can' wait to finish the whole medic business huu, may Allah ease my journey towards graduation.
Btw congratulation to Anim n Zubir for the arrival of cute Hadeef, congratulation to Mawaddah n Hafiz for the arrival of cute Uwais and do pray for us, so that everything will turn out just allright :D Congratulation to Izzah and Idris who became husband and wife on 25th September, Alhamdulillah :)
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