Tonight, just like any night during this pregnancy, I cant sleep much. I will be awaken up by abdominal pain (gastritis), bloating and nausea. A sign that the stomach needs to be refilled... again.
Sometimes I go back to sleep, but on most nights, I spend 2-3 hours making a to and fro trip to the fridge, in between blank stares while sitting on the bed. Oh well, most of the time I stare at my sleeping child. When I manage to calm the gastric a bit, I perform Isya' and tahajjud prayer (I usually retire after maghrib, daily)
A month of unpaid leave means a lot to me. Means a lot to the arrogant me. Although I spend most of my time sleeping or throwing up, Allah has arranged just enough time for me to muhasabah. A life that I have lived, the dunya which I dont want to let go, a woman that I am now.
I miss abang so much, but I find it very hard to trust abang, I just cant explain why. But everything started coincidentally, so I guess it's the hormonal thingy which will pass away just like the hyperemesis gravidarum. Without basis. I find it hard to trust abang when he says I love you, I find it hard to trust him when he says the things that he says. Astaghfirullah. I try my best to pick up a fight which he dismisses effortlessly. Like seriously abang malas nak layan isteri ajak gaduh??? I feel like I am sacrificing here carrying his baby, and he is nowhere near to lend a helping hand. I wake up everyday and find my own food, prepare my own drink, on top of that I have to handle Ameer Faheem with Ummi's help. I feel like I go through this hardship alone, how can I not feel angry? But I forget 1 thing- I forget that abang is doing his best to fulfill the provision of the family.. kalau abang tak kerja macamana nak bagi nafkah pula kan?? isteri emo memang tak waras ok haha.
I always become moody when I feel so tested. Such as in this pregnancy. Down with all the early pregnancy symptom is nasty, but Allah has promised a wonderful reward should a woman be patient. Impatience. Sabar- that is 1 thing that I lack.
I woke up this morning with a very good mood. Abang is coming home in a week time, what could be more wonderful than that?? *all smile* I planned for a haircut, for a spa visit just before he arrives, a new perfume and perhaps a new dress?? I promise myself not to miss my vitamin C to heal the acnes. Heeee. I was in such a good mood.
But the day turns out to be very bumpy. I was in bed almost the whole day, vomiting in between. and Ameer Faheem was mischievous, more than usual. If you havent grasped Ameer Faheem's character through my writings, let me tell you what Ummi has to say, "Ummi anak lima pun tak macam ni. Jaga Faheem sorang macam jaga 10 orang anak" That is my Ameer Faheem. A baby who turned prone before he reached 2 months old, who was very advanced physically, and who remains hyperactive till now. Everybody surrenders to taking care of him, and here I am struggling to make the best out of him.
Hari ni Faheem buat mommy menangis lagi. Menangis sebab rasa macam mommy gagal didik Faheem dan Faheem tak jadi macam anak sebaya yang lain. I felt so lost. Faheem kiss mommy non stop bila tengok mommy nangis. Basah habis muka mommy dengan air liur dia, mommy rasa nak muntah huuu. Dia pakaikan mommy jam (Faheem ni gila jam, so mungkin dia rasa mommy should feel happy bila pakai jam haha), dia usap2 kepala mommy. Kesian Faheem, Abang kata banyakkan berdoa, Faheem has sacrificed so much the past 4 years.. it is true, mungkin sebab Mommy n Daddy sibuk sangat di hospital sebelum ni, sampai takde masa untuk Faheem, Faheem jadi rebellious
When I woke up tonight, I sat on my bed and was reminded of abang's words, "Banyakkan Doa untuk Faheem" A serene night is a good time to ponder upon life. I realize one thing, Allah holds back something wonderful for Faheem because I refuse to let go of something that is so dear... sometimes we love something but we have to let it go in order to get something better.
I was a good medical student, from a good university insyaAllah. Well remembered by lecturers, with acceptable reputation. I was a good houseman, with good performance. I knew my superiors considered me as a a very reliable doctor. Almost everybody expected me to be a specialist soon, and I used to believe that. But reputation doesnt come easily without any sacrifices. I sacrificed my role as a wife and a mother. Our colleagues knew that abang has a brilliant wife but they dont know that abang has a wife who doesnt cook, doesnt breastfeed her child, doesnt teach Faheem how to read or potty-train him and doesnt do the things a wife-cum-mum should do.
We thought becoming an MO in Klinik Kesihatan would solve the problem. I have more family time. and would play better the role of a wife and a mum. But being the type A personality, I damn hate that. I dont want to be a clinic doctor, I miss the adrenaline rush working in a hospital, I hate it when abang (who works in Emergency Dept), sends me pictures of X Ray, of ECG asking for my opinion..because it emphasizes something that I am missing... the thrill of a doctor's life. Staying in the clinic (I'm sorry for being very frank) is very mundane and lame, continuing the same treatment all the time. I even ask abang whether I can join the hospital again. He never said no, but he wants me to be sure of what I am signing up to. But I know abang doesnt want that to happen..
Abang nak 10 anak, aku nak sorang je anak hehe. Kenapa susah sangat nak berkorban?? Kenapa? Kenapa??? And for that reason I promise myself if Allah grants me to transfer to Kedah, I really want to start anew.. I want to be the best mum, the best wife and I really want to let go the things that I should let go... even if it means giving up on my career.....
Ya Allah make things easy for me please... And in my Tahajjud today I found something which I have been missing for years... the serenity of tawakkal... And i found that during my unpaid leave...
.jpg)
