Missing my Ameer Faheem

Missing my Ameer Faheem. Missing him like crazy. Dah lama Ameer Faheem duduk kedah. Dah 2 minggu. When we call him, he says, "Daddy ambikla faheem bawa balik rumah faheem". Sayunya. Sometimes I cry alone and sometimes I sleep on his bed. Sometimes I feel like bombing my workplace for stealing my time with him. I really want to bring him back, but with the current work demand, I cant afford to take care of him without the aid of a maid.

Abang selalu cakap, kita kena selalu ingat, orang yang paling banyak berkorban di permulaan kehidupan kami yang susah ni adalah Ameer Faheem.Dan abang selalu cakap, Ameer Faheem akan selalu jadi nombor satu dihatinya, tak kira berapa ramai anak yang kami bakal ada insyaAllah. Betul cakap abang. Ameer Faheem yang bersama mommy diwaktu mommy berjuang untuk final exam. Ameer Faheem juga yang bersama kami ketika abang mengharungi tahun akhir di jordan. Ameer Faheem yang bersabar dengan kami ketika kami letih pulang bekerja dan kurang sabarnya. Kadang2 dia menangis bila dimarah, kadang2 dia merajuk diam, kami pula yang tersentuh. Ameer Faheem bersama dengan kami ketika kami berpindah randah sepanjang 5 tahun berkahwin. Bermula dengan saat aku mengandungkan dia, kami tinggal di rumah sewa abang dengan kawannya. Kemudian kami pindah ke rumah sewa sendiri di Jordan selepas mommy graduated. Pulang ke malaysia, kita berteduh di rumah nenek untuk seketika. Sebelum kita berpindah ke rumah sewa bersebalahn hospital. Sekarang kita tinggal di kuarters hospital pula. Jauh perjalanan Ameer Faheem bersama kami.

InsyaAllah ada rezqi kita dapat berpindah ke rumah kita sendiri tak lama lagi. Berkobar2 semangat mommy nak hias rumah biar selesa untuk kita sekeluarga, dan bina garden yang cantik tempat Ameer Faheem main dan membesar. Berkobar2 juga nak hias bilik Ameer Faheem, biar jadi syurga dunia untuk Ameer Faheem.

Memang masa dengan Ameer Faheem sangat terhad. Dan Ameer Faheem jadi rebellious kerana itu. Kadang2 susah benar untuk bersabar dengan kerenah 'rebellious' berselikan kepenatan bekerja, tapi insyaAllah mommy and daddy akan ada banyak masa untuk Ameer Faheem selepas ini. InsyaAllah. Moga ada rezqimu Ameer Faheem.

Kadang2 mommy marah bila Ameer Faheem wakes me up, telling me that he wants to poo in the loo. Sometimes I just turn a pair of deaf ears to him when he says "mummy faheem nak kencing", and tell him to pee in his pampers. Sometimes I ignore his request to bathe himself. Sometimes i am in such a hurry to entertain his choice of clothes. And most of the times, I don't have time to prepare meal for him.

May Allah give me strength to change things soon..

Moving on..

Moving on to a new phase of life.. and preparing myself to bid farewell to housemanship. I bet I will never miss that one, just as how I have never missed my schooling days or university life or whatever that I have left behind..

Whatever that I have gone through, are the things that make me into the present human, but to walk back the paths that I have long left is a definite no no insyaAllah :)

Finishing housemanship means, one have more touch with reality. I am now more concerned of the SKT (Performance Evaluation) which I have totally abandoned during my exhausting housemanship days I am concerned of the static monthly salary just because I have never submitted the SKT haha. I start to plan for Ameer Faheem's education and daily fulfilling activities; which I never before had the chance to do so. I start choosing book for his bedtime stories and feeling determined to eradicate all the indonesian slang and words in no time. I start packing to move out to a new place (although it might be end of this year), a thing that I have always enjoyed in the past (packing!). I managed to peek into the cartons of teasets and dinnerware which I have collected for the past 2 years. I am familiarizing myself to the concept of locum and introducing myself to GPs haha. Abang and me have a sketch book now where we sketch the plan of our dream house everyday, despite not knowing when it will turn into a reality.

Hello better life :) InsyaAllah..

I am old

Bismillahirahmanirrahim

I'm still a houseman. Finishing Emergency Department (my last posting) soon insyaAllah.. Oh my how I cant wait to finish it off huuu.

I havent write for months I think

I'm doing ED with abang. It's damn fun Alhamdulillah!! We work in the same shift, we go on ambulance ride together, we join the same rounds, we attend the same teachings, we deal with the same group of superiors "Fabiayyi alaa irabbi kuma tukazziban?"

So which of the favors of your Lord would you deny?

The downside of it is.. we meet Faheem less and less

Oh we dont have bibik for the past 1 month. She actually decided to call it a quit and I didnt do anything to stop her from going. That's life. We send Faheem to a babysitter, he stays there for 2 nights until we finish our shifts and we would pick him up and spend time with him for 1.5 days before we actually send him back for 2 days again.. It is cruel for him and for us. Luckily he is such an independent and understanding young lad who rarely question. He straightaway understand when I tell him that Mummy and Daddy are going to work. Sometimes when he feel sad and lonely I guess, he tells us that he wants to stay with nenek instead of going to the babysitters house.. that is when I will cry and ask for a huge favour from nenek..

You see taking care of our Ameer Faheem is not a simple business. He is still hyperactive as how he was (I guess since he was in my womb) Our Ameer Faheem develops physically very fast. He managed to turn prone before he was 2 months, and progressed very fast from there. He can now play football very smartly. He talks non stop like daddy, he is emotional and rebellious like me, and has a very hot temper which I'm trying my best to cool it down. He cant read yet, but he can pray and recite simple surah and doa :)
Sometimes I think we spoil him too much, but sometimes I think we do that to cover back the times that we leave him behind.

Oh I cant wait to finish my housemanship and plan for a better life for Abang and Ameer Faheem.

I guess I slipped away when he grew up, a thing which I always regret.
I think the last time I left him for work, he was a fragile baby, feeding on milk and requiring diaper change regularly.
Now when I come back, I have a young boy who runs to me after combing his hair and ask me, "Mummy, handsome tak faheem, mummy?" and when I said Yes, he smiled with a thumbs up sign.
I have a boy who wants to brush his teeth before going to sleep and insist to use daddy's talc and hair gel after bath
I have a boy who wakes me up in the morning, asking for nasi goreng, sausage, nasi lemak and coffee
I have a boy who refuse to go to bed because "Faheem lapar, nak nasi"
I have a boy who insists to put on himself his shirt and trousers, and insist on wearing underwear
I have a boy who talks about car, motorbikes, trains and buses
I have a boy who reminds me to switch off the lights and fans before going out
I have a boy who actually chooses his footwear for outings
I have a boy who complains all the time, very bossy, and have a speech diartrhea with and indonesian slang

Haihhh I am old..