Have a cup of cappuccino

Faheem dah setahun..

2012-01-22T04:39:00.002+08:00

Today is 21st Jan, approaching 22nd. I've promised myself to concentrate on my study after Faheem's birthday. Well I have to fulfill it.

Faheem is 1 year old + 2 days hehe. Ceria mummy and daddy bila Faheem ceria, alhamdulillah :) Last night abang arranged Faheem's birthday presents in the lounge and closed the door. This morning when he woke up, I opened the door. When he saw the gifts, he RAN towards them, feeling very happy. oh yes he chose the gift one after another :) 2 balls, sweaters and pants, foods and toys. But we give him few only which are suitable for his age. Among them is a GIANT sized lego :) Of course he never feels tired to try putting them in his mouth.

Today faheem discovered that there are many cakes in the kitchen. Mummy stacked them on the gas. Guess what he did all day long? he kept returning to the kitchen to get a 'pinch' of cake from time to time! comel betul hehe. kek tu dah berlubang sebab faheem korek haihh.

Have I mentioned before that faheem can say his name? But he can't pronounce the letter H so instead of FaHeem, it becomes Faiiim (sounds like Fine with the letter M instead of N). As for numbers, he only remember Five because whenever I start counting (usually when I am preparing his milk, I count the scoops loudly), I say "One" he will shout "Five". Hahaha macam2 la budak ni. He calls abang Dede instead of Daddy. Mummy? Takde harapan lagi nampaknya..

Mummy's journal: approaching Faheem's 1st birthday

2012-01-21T23:01:00.000+08:00

Red velvet cake

Strawberry stabilized whipped cream + white butter cake

The journal starts here....

24th Dec.

Approximately a month before Faheem's birthday + aqiqah celebration. For the past 1 week, i have been planning for the celebration.

For the past 1 week, I have been designing faheem's birthday cakes . I drew various designs, searched for the best theme in youtube, and even coloured the drawings to get a good idea of how the cake will be.... and yes I've finalized my drawing on 23rd Dec. I tried baking various cakes, find the best recipe for layer cakes, try making buttercream, royal icing and fondant. Last night, abang's friend ordered his birthday cake, and I actually tried my fondant on his cake. That was my first experience with fondant haha. It was ugly but I guess boys don't mind... I did remember to ask abang to apologize to him for making his birthday cake my guinea pig ;p

2 days ago I met kak ikin (the owner of warung usom) to discuss with her about the best price and place to buy daging aqiqah, and to order the main meal. We plan on having mansaf.

Next would be... planning for the side dishes. So far I plan on making cookies as it can be done early, days before the actual event. I also plan on making colourful macaroons. It's a birthday party after all!. That is of course important as I will have my hands full to finish the cake on the great day. Maybe I would have to call for help from the sisters to make some side dishes... but I'll think about that later.

We plan to invite 150 guests..

Some of the shopping list that I can think of

1. balloons (lots of them!)

2. Banner "Ameer Faheem turns 1!"

3. paper plates, paper cups, forks and spoons

4. invitations

5. photographer

27th Dec.

I've been busy since I last updated this post.. baking of course! (uhh it's getting a lil bit harder to type with the letter A missing..) I've been trying to bake a perfect buttercake. To assemble a pecan butterscotch cake. Guess what? I use the same recipe for 4 times, each time I bake it at different temperature!! Haihh duit semakin habis :( Well I try to use my own money (out of selling cakes) to bake Faheem's birthday cake. if possible I don't want to ask from abang.. bercita2 tinggi tak?? haha. So finally 3 cakes are considered edible while the first try goes down the bin. I keep them in my friend's freezer ;p. Here's the recipe:

4 cups, flour + baking powder + soda bicarbonate

300g butter + 1 1/4 cup milk, heat on low fire (till all the butter has melted)

6 eggs + 2 cup sugar + vanilla essence, beat till fluffy

Finally add the flour mix and the liquid (milk + melted butter) into the beaten eggs, alternating between the two.

I baked at 175 degree for 1.5 hours.

I've also baked a strawberry butter cake to make a teddy bear. Here's the recipe

2 cups flour + baking powder + soda bicarb

1 cup sugar + 1 egg + 1 egg yolk, beat till fluffy

170g butter + 3/4 cup milk, put on low fire.

Finally add the flour mix and the liquid into the beaten eggs, alternating between the two

I added strawberry flavour and red colouring (optional)

I baked at 175 degree for 1 hour

Btw I made banana cake today. Money has got to be recycled ahaha!

Alhmdulillah 1/6 of the birthday cake is done! Now I'm planning on doing the red velvet cake! I'm wishing me luck!

29th Dec

I've baked 5 (FIVE) 6" red velvet cakes so far! Abang simpan dalam freezer kawan dia. Alhamdulillah. And I've sold 3 chocolate cakes today, Alhamdulillah.

Next will either be

1. carrot cake (with cream cheese filling to be done last)

2. a white butter cake (Plan to make a white cake with strawberry mousse)

3. Moist chocolate cake (with peppermint stabilized whipped cream)

Oh I need to borrow a big square cake tin from Kak Aizah!

31st December (it's actually 12am of 1st Jan 2012! I can hear the firecrackers :))

A hectic day. It's saturday! We went out to balad this morning. We braved the rain and went to a baking shop Abu Sobbah in Syari' Rashid. I was so overwhelmed with the things sold there... anything for baking! Bought some gelatine. We were actually searching for cake boxes and cake plates for my cake business ahaha. Aku taklah semangat sangat, abang yang semangat ;p Managed to grab an icing set, a packet of balloons and a serrated knife. Then we went to the wet market, I bought a box of fresh strawberry for my strawberry mousse. Tried the recipe for classic white butter cake, and it turned out superb! The strawberry mousse was too delicious for words!! And I had to lick my fingers and the glass bowl clean before washing them. Not a drop should be wasted ;p Plan to sell the white cake tomorrow... and bake it for Faheem's birthday in 1 week time probably.

1st January 2012

I bake another white cake ;p just to familarize myself with the recipe. And today I plan to try out the frosting recipe. Again me wishing myself luck ^_^

8th January 2012

Uihh lama tak update journal ni. So what's the update? I bought a 'Happy Birthday' banner/ lettering for Faheem, Lightning McQueen theme. I've baked 4 rectangle white cakes, plus and additional 2 rectangle chiffon butter cakes- green (pandan flavour) and yellow (orange flavour). The orange and green cakes will be used to make rainbow cake for the letter blocks. FAHEEM TURNS 1. 12 blocks in total. I've also baked orange chiffon cake which will be rolled (like a swiss roll) and used to make a small birthday cake. I guess that's all for now. Next will be carrot cakes!

12th January 2012

I've baked 4 carrot cakes 2 days ago. I'm left with the last cake which is chocolate cake. plan to bake 3 of them. Will probably do it on sunday.

The party is 6 days away and pheww I'm getting anxious. So her's the plan for the next one week..

Thursday (today):

make a video of faheem's 1st year (to be shown on the day)

Friday:

1. Order mansaf for 150 people. Ask the cook the ingredients that she need.

2. Shop for the ingredients. + vege shortening (need it for my fondant. I've made 3 batches but they are quite crumbly)

3. Send agar-agar strip to k. Abidah (I requested that she make caramel pudding for the party hehe)

4. Buy papers to make a banner + decorations

5. ooopps I almost forgot, shop for pizza ingredients

6. Pinjam meja tinggi kak ikin for cake

7. Pinjam bekas nasi and bekas air from Permai

Saturday:

1. go to balad to buy balloons, paper plates, paper cups, strawberry, search for dowel

2. Invite people

Sunday:

Make 3 chocolate cakes

Siapkan guest book

Monday:

Bake macaroons. Lots and lots of them!

Tuesday

1. Collect the cakes

2. make pizza dough. lots and lots of them

Wednesday:

Make

1. buttercream frosting

2. Cream cheese filling (enough for red velvet cake and carrot cake)

3. Butterscotch walnut filling (for yellow butter cake)

4. green mint stabilized whipped cream (for chocolate cake)

5. Strawberry mousse (for white butter cake)

Buy cute mashmallows for the kids. Buy fruits

Ask abang to inflate balloons, clean the house and decorate.

Remind people of the event

Thursday

Assemble and decorate cakes

So far, the menu list includes:

1. Chicken mansaf

2. Pizza

3. Caramel pudding

4. Macaroons

5. Birthday cake

6. Fruits

7. Mango juice

8. Marshmallows

17th January 2012

Plan berubah banyak... because Ameer Faheem is not well. and i don't have much time to cook. I've omitted pizza and macaroons from the list, they consume too much time. I'm left with the chicken mansaf, caramel pudding, birthday cake, fruits, mango juice and marshmallow.

We went to balad today. Bought ingredients for the mansaf and balloons. Guess what?? I found Crisco in Arabella mall!!! Will go there tomorrow, to buy the rest of the ingredients. The plan as for now:

1. Finish Faheem's video (tonight)- almost done!

2. Hang up the banner. Abang will hang up the balloons on friday while i learn how to cook mansaf ;p

3. We have Faheem's birthday celebration tomorrow. Kwn2 arab abang belanja kat kfc. Lepastu kutip cake dr fridge2 kawan abang haha. Ambil meja dari kak ikin. Beli mounting board

4. Finish making the fillings and frostings tomorrow night

5. Assemble the cakes on thursday. Playing with fondant. Abang kena carikan dowel on this day

6. beli papercups, paper plates, more chicken today.

21st Jan 2012

A day post birthday party huu. Mcm2 tak ikut plan heh. mansaf was ok. but i didn't get to make a tiered cake sebab tak sempat g cari dowel so hidang la sebiji2, but it's ok.. puding caramel kak abidah sedap! We didn't find any suitable fruits except for appple. Abang bought basbuseh (a halawiyat). Faheem was grumpy all day long as he was not feeling so well. Pics are available on facebook :)

Thanks to the guest and those who gave faheem presents!!!

2012-01-18T01:17:00.000+08:00

Today is 17th January. 2 days before his birthday. Yesterday we went to KAUH, and consulted three different paediatrician regarding Ameer Faheem's health. All three of them diagnosed him as Roseola infantum. I was quite reluctant to agree... because of the history.. Probably it was our fault as we didn't tell the history thoroughly.. and probably because when we met them, the conjunctivitis has resolved. He was left with fever cough and runny nose only. Ameer Faheem has been having fever for 7 days, approaching 8 days with no sign of resolving :( This morning, I noticed that he was not well, just like the past 1 week.. but a bit different. Nampak comot lebih dari biasa. I brought him to the sink to wash his face, and I knew the reason.. There were dry pus surrounding his left ear, and matting his hair. I touched his right ear and he cried. Everytime. but when I touched his left ear, he stayed quiet. I check the canal. Oh yes, a nightmare which I thought have passed... it was full of pus. The exact presentation when he had tympanic membrane rupture (twice in fact) when he was 3 months old... I told abang about it, but we decided not to bring him to the hospital, just yet. Twice a visit to the hospital in a week is indeed tiring.. for us and for him...

I cleaned him, and then he slept besides me. He appeared lethargic. I cried and oh yes I cried. Because I know that a ruptured membrane heals by fibrosis, and thrice rupture isn't something to be taken lightly..

At that point of time, i just missed sharing it with Wani, when Faheem had his first and second membrane rupture; discussing the options that we have. At that point of time, I dreamt of being in Kuantan, calling my lecturers and ask for their kind help and assuring words... At that point of time I regretted my housewife status which prevents me from driving him to the hospital and straightaway seek for the best medical care... because a human never feels enough, and yet a mother always want the best for her child....

Life is indeed a test. O Allah give me strength to continue on..

Progression

2012-01-16T16:39:00.002+08:00

Day 1- Fever, vomiting, diarrhea

Day 2- Fever, vomiting, diarrhea

Day 3- Fever, vomiting, diarrhea, one sided conjunctivitis

Day 4- Fever, vomiting, diarrhea, bilateral conjunctivitis, cough, runny nose

Day 5- Fever, diarrhea, conjunctivitis, cough, runny nose

Day 6- Fever, cough, runny nose, maculopapular RASH (macam start kat trunk je)

yet to check for Koplik spot.

Oh Allah, please don't let it be measles....

Khabar anakanda

2012-01-15T17:39:00.005+08:00

Baru start masuk air.. lesu.. dan kurus

Sekejap nak daddy dukung, sekejap nak mummy...haihh budak tak sihat banyak karenah.. ;p

sejurus sebelum pulang.. Faheem lebih ceria! Kami nak try timbang dia dlm bilik Dr. Daddy letak pemberat kat 10kg, tgk tgn Faheem tu.. dia ubah ke 7 kg!

Faheem jadi excited pulak main penimbang tu, henjut kedepan ke belakang. Last2 mummy suruh turn cepat takut rosak huuu. Bila budak besar guna penimbang baby...

4 hari lagi sebelum ulangtahunnya yang pertama. Tapi Faheem sudah masuk hari kelima tidak sihat. Hari ini tidak ke sekolah lagi. Andai dibilang dengan jari hari dia ke sekolah, tidak habis 10 jari ini untuk mengira huuu.

Bermula dengan muntah. "Ameer maridh" kata pak cik bas sambil tunjuk ke arah perut Faheem. Dia pulang dari hadhanah rabu lepas. Kebetulan abang baru sampai dari kelas, terus bertanyakan keadaan dia lebih lanjut. Kami rasa badannya agak panas. Bekalannya ke hadhanah (carrot cake, a packet of biscuit and macaroni ) langsung tidak dijamah. Tapi dia masih aktif seperti biasa. Dia juga cirit birit. Mungkin keracunan makanan. Keesokannya dia masih cirit birit dan muntah, kami teruskan beri makanan dan minuman seperti biasa. Selera berkurang. Hari Jumaat, cirit birit dan muntah semakin teruk. Sehinggakan habis selimut dan cadar dalam almari, lepas satu, satu kami ganti. Setiap tidak lebih 2 jam, dia akan menangis dan bila dijenguk, rupanya dia muntah atau cirit birit sehingga kotor habis cadarnya. Baju mummy juga selepas satu, satu dicampak ke dalam laundry. Manakan tidak, Faheem nak tidur berpangku, dan kemudian muntah atau berak atas pakaian mummy huuu.

Malam itu aku mula risau. Dia kelihatan sangat sangat haus. Bila diberikan susu, Faheem minum dengan sangat gelojoh. Tapi belum lama, dia campakkan botol susu. Loya. memang dia loya. Dia tidak henti2 merengek sambil menjolok tekaknya dalam2. Berpusing ke sana sini. Sekejap menonggeng, sekejap memanjat kami. Kesian. Tapi ada juga saat kami tergelak melihat dia seperti org mengandung yang mabuk huuu. Sebaik sahaja muntah, dia terus melelapkan mata. lega barangkali, sebelum loya lagi . Begitulah kitaran sepanjang malam.

Untuk pertama kali, semenjak umurnya 4 bulan, Faheem tidur sekatil dengan kami. Tak sampai hati membiarkan dia keseorangan. Memang spanjang malm kami tidak tido. Aku sapu minyak telon di perut dan belakang Faheem, memberikan kelegaan sementara. Aku tepuk2 belakangnya sehingga tertidur... tapi bila mummy tertidur, Faheem bangun merengek. Aihh celik mata mummy semula dan sambung menepuk..sehinggalah subuh.

Sabtu. Dia kelihatan tidak bermaya. Sepanjang hari hanya 5 0z susu dihabiskan. Waktu lain dihabiskan dengan tidur. Tidak mahu makan, minum mahupun bermain. Selepas maghrib, aku lihat dia begitu lemah. Enggan bangun tidur. Tidak minum dan makan selepas sebotol susu subuh tadi. Tapi muntah dan cirit birit masih berterusan. Kali ini menangis pun tidak. Dia berdiam diri sahaja. Aku yang begitu risau terus mengajak abang ke hospital.

Moderate dehydration, kata doktor. memang dijangka. Mulalah episod 'termenung' mummy dan daddy tunggu air habis dimasukkan ke dalam tubuh faheem. sekali di wad kecemasan, dan sekali di wad atas. Disebabkan bosan, kami pun bergambar2 la hehe. Selepas masuk air kali kedua, Faheem nampak lebih bertenaga... macam enjin baru diisi minyak! meski sudah agak lewat malam dia terus bersemangat utk main, dan mula minum sedikit air chocolate yang kami bekalkan.

Bermalas malasan ;p

2012-01-10T23:47:00.003+08:00

3 days ago, I cooked this. When we were about to enjoy the meal, I snapped some pic. Abang asked why. I said I had a story to tell. Lepastu abang asyik tanya je, kenapa takde pun tulis kat blog pasal cerita nasi tu haha.

I'm the lazy type when it comes to cooking. Moreover our cute tiny fridge is FULL with cakes! I'm getting ready for Faheem's birthday. Thus we don't have any space to put fish and chicken and such. I'm the one who has to shop for them say every alternate days? Haih. Disebabkan malas sgt, on Sunday I went to Irbid Mall with Faheem. I bought some fish fillets. They usually sell in a pack of 3 fillets. Bila balik je, terus masak. Disebabkan malas sgt, I decided to bake ALL THREE haha. So I prepared a simple dish. The recipe:

1 fresh lime juice

1 tbs mayonnaise

1 tbsp onion (I have this habit of grinding all my onions and store them in the fridge. Sebab malas nak kupas selalu)

1tsp black pepper

1 tnsp butter

I mixed together all the ingredients and stirred them. Then I put the fillets in 3 separate aluminium foils (easy for storage). Finally I pour the mixture onto the fillet, and baked them 180 degree celcius for 1 hour.

Lepastu konon2 nak bagi nampak best sikit, I made black pepper sauce with mushroom for abang. Recipe simple sgt3 tp sedap, and it kinda taste like the KFC mashed potato gravy. First tumis bawang, lepastu letak oyster sauce and kicap manis, black pepper, butter and potato. Kuantiti ikut suka. Boil lama2 sikit. Bila potato dah agak lembik, take them out blend them. Put half of them back into the gravy and use the other half for making mashed potato. Kalau resipi yg sebenarnya the potato should be boiled in a different pot, so that it won't taste like oyster and kicap. And then when making mashed potato, we should add salt and milk and black pepper to them. Tapi sebab malas jugak, masuk je semua sekali harung haha.

Guess what? We ate the fish on Sunday, onday and Tuesday! Abang tak kesah pun :D But I added sambal jawa (pedal + potato + suun) on Monday and on Tuesday (which is today), I made baked macaroni and cheese. Nampakla macam rajin sikit hehe. Yg sebenarnya I am really tired baking 7 carrot cakes today!

When a doctor & a medical student try to be a carpenter..

2012-01-10T23:21:00.004+08:00

Menggunakan hammer yg dah patah..

Melicinkan kayu.... dengan gergaji dan pisau

The first one..

The second and third..

All kind of flavours and colours available in Irbid I guess...

The new addition... gel colouring. thanks kakak for the colouring!

Last week abang complain2 lagi yg dapur nampak bersepah. Aduh patutnya isteri la yg complain. Abg bahagikan tugas kemas lounge, basuh toilet n buang sampah utk dia. Kemas bilik, dapur, masak dan basuh baju tugas isteri haih. Lalu apabila abang dah complain dapur bersepah, terpaksa la aku bagi alasan yg sebenarnya takde tempat nak letak barang2 masakan. Hahaha it's true! The kitchen is small, yet cosy Alhamdulillah. Ada satu baris je built in rack. Memanglah tak cukup dengan nak letak pinggan mangkuk, barang2 masak, bakul sampah, plastik2 dsb. Lalu when we moved into this house, abang built 3 hanging racks. 1 for the stove, 2 for arranging herb bottles. When I started baking, I keep adding in few things at a time. Sampai la jadi banyak. Sampai la semak habis dan menyakitkan mata abang haha.

So we decided to build few more hanging racks. Kena la kira budget. For the racks that we built earlier, we bought the wood from a hardware store. It was insanely expensive! Dahlah compact wood, bukan solid wood pun, kecik pulak tu, abang kena bayar JD15. Tapi dasar cakap dgn arab, there is no such thing as negotiating. The only thing left will be a severe hepatomegaly :( Belilah jugak sebab desperate. Then we had to buy the steel supports, and wallpaper for the finishing. Habis la jugak dlm 30JD :(

This time around we decided to cut the budget. Coincidentally when abang helped his friend to move to a new house many months ago, he left behind his bed. A wooden bed. Abang ambil kayu yg bahagian panjang on both sides. Sayang katanya, takut berguna di kemudian hari. Alhamdulillah memang berguna pun. Solid wood to be exact:)

sebab tak biasa bertukang, apa je yg ada kat rumah ni? A drill, a screwdriver and a small hammer. Plus tawakkal ilallah ;p. We borrowed a saw from the landlord, bought the steel support, wallpaper and started working. Mula2 abang gergaji tu, ya Allah lamanya la nak siap. Kami gelak2 sepanjang buat kerja ejek2 each other. Aku cakap kalau abang kerja buat rumah, entah berapa tahun la nak siap. Potong satu kayu pun berjam2 haha. Bila guna hammer, time tu lah nak patah, Tapi abang guna jugakla bahagian kuku kambing tu sebab desperate nak cabut keluar paku lama. Dengan cara yg abang modified. Abang cakap nasib baik aku kawen dengan org kampung, buat kerja cara kampung habis, asal boleh ;p Bila nak licinkan kayu takde kertas pasir, abang guna pisau masak pulak. Haihh. Tapi Alhamdulillah selesai :) Tugas aku adalah bungkus kayu dengan wallpaper. Plus sanpping pics :)

Thank you abang for such a great rack. 3 actually!

Tenang itu di mana?

2012-01-10T03:20:00.002+08:00

Fikiran sugul entah dari mana perlu memulakan coretan, tapi hati berkeras ingin bertinta, moga dijadikan panduan kemudian hari..

Hari ini aku berdiam diri lagi, bercelaru saat abang menyatakan hasrat untuk berurusan di luar. Entah apa puncanya, aku selalu begitu. Sedih bila ditinggalkan. Sunyi meski Ameer Faheem ada untuk menemani. Begitulah pengertian abang dalam kehidupan isterinya. Abang sahabat yang terlalu istimewa sehinggakan ketiadaan abang walau untuk seketika selalu saja buatkan isterinya resah.

Kebiasaannya sebelum abang pergi, aku akan memaksa mata untuk tidur. Rutin itu juga yang diamalkan hari ini. Dan kebiasaannya sebelum abang pulang, aku akan sudah terjaga. Menangis dan menangis. Demikian juga kali ini.

Aku masih lengkap bertelekung. Seusai solat isya' tadi, terus meringkuk di depan sobah. Apabila rasa sedih meminta diri, perasaan marah mula untuk bertamu. Entah apa yang dimarahkan, entahlah tidak jelas. Simbahan hasutan syaitan membuatkan emosi meraja tanpa kenal punca. Kadang2 aku marah dengan kesibukan abang, kadang2 aku marah dengan keletihan abang dan selalunya aku marah tanpa apa2 sebab. Jelaskan syaitan itu sedang beroperasi! Abang selalu mengingatkan bahawa dia juga manusia yang ada batas kemampuannya. Dia seorng muslim yang pada dirinya ada haq agama, keluarga, sahabat, masyarakat dsb. Tapi aku juga manusia yang dilazimi sifat lupa. Aku terkadang lupa hakikat itu.

Aqal tidak pernah gagal membekalkan alasan. Untuk membenarkan segala tindakan dan emosi2 negatif. Tetapi selalu saja alpa, untuk menarik kita kembali ke pangkal syariat. Kalalulah diikutkan aqal pasti hujah untuk berantakan tidak akan kering. Namun aku suka memilih untuk berdiam.

Mungkin kita rasa haq tidak tertunai. Mungkin kita rasa luangan masa yang tidak mencukupi. Mungkin kita rasa agihan tanggungjawab yang tidak sekata. Mungkin kita rasa dia yang salah. Mungkin dan segalanya mungkin... namun apakah perdebatan tidak berkesudahan itu membuahkan ketenangan hati?

Aku cuba mencari, pengertian menjadi isteri solehah..

Unggkapan mudah: Sabar di hati, Syukur di wajah!

Indahkan hidup berTuhan dan beragama? :) Alhamdulillah

Sifat isteri solehah lainnya boleh diperincikan berikut. Jom buat checklist!

1. Penuh kasih sayang, selalu kembali kepada suaminya dan mencari maafnya. Rasulullah SAW bersabda: "Mahukah aku beritahukan kepada kalian, isteri-isteri kamu yang menjadi penghuni syurga ialah isteri yang penuh kasih sayang, banyak anak, selalu kembali kepada suaminya. Di mana jika suaminya marah, dia mendatangi suaminya dan meletakkan tangannya pada tangan suaminya seraya berkata: "Aku tak dapat tidur sebelum engkau reda". (riwayat al-Nasai dalamIsyratun Nisa no. 257.)

2. Melayani suaminya (berkhidmat kepada suami) seperti menyiapkan makan minumnya, tempat tidur, pakaian dan seumpamanya.

3. Menjaga rahsia-rahsia suami, lebih-lebih yang berkenaan dengan hubungan intim antara dia dan suaminya.

Asma’ bintu Yazid r.ha menceritakan dia pernah berada di sisi Rasulullah. Ketika itu kaum lelaki dan wanita sedang duduk. Baginda bertanya: "Barangkali antara kalian ada suami yang menceritakan apa yang diperbuatnya dengan isterinya (hubungan suami isteri), dan barangkali ada isteri yang memberitahu apa yang diperbuatnya bersama suaminya?" Maka mereka semua diam tidak ada yang menjawab. Aku (Asma) pun menjawab: "Demi Allah! Wahai Rasulullah, sesungguhnya mereka (para isteri) benar-benar melakukannya, demikian pula mereka (para suami)".

Baginda bersabda bermaksud: "Jangan lagi kalian lakukan, kerana yang demikian itu seperti syaitan jantan yang bertemu dengan syaitan betina di jalan, kemudian digaulinya sementara manusia menontonnya". (riwayat Ahmad 6/456)

4. Selalu berpenampilan yang bagus dan menarik di hadapan suaminya sehingga bila suaminya memandang akan menyenangkannya.

5. Ketika suaminya sedang berada di rumah, ia tidak menyibukkan dirinya dengan melakukan ibadah sunnah yang dapat menghalangi suaminya untuk istimta’ (bernikmat-nikmat) dengannya seperti puasa, terkecuali bila suaminya mengizinkan.

6. Pandai mensyukuri pemberian dan kebaikan suami, tidak melupakan kebaikannya.

7. Bersegera memenuhi ajakan suami memenuhi hasratnya, tidak menolaknya tanpa alasan yang syarie, dan tidak menjauhi tempat tidur suaminya, kerana ia tahu dan takut terhadap berita Rasulullah SAW yang bermaksud: Demi zat yang jiwaku berada di tangan-Nya, tidaklah seorang suami memanggil isterinya ke tempat tidurnya lalu si isteri menolak ajakan suaminya (enggan) melainkan Allah SWT murka terhadapnya hingga si suami reda padanya. (riwayat Muslim no. 1436

Trying to be the best mummy and daddy for Ameer Faheem

2012-01-06T03:03:00.004+08:00

I'm about to bake the 5th (FIFTH) cake of the day phewwww, but I take a break while the 4th cake is being baked. Letih. Letih badan baking all day. Letih otak fikirkan tentang faheem. Heh ngadenye lah.

Abang and me fetched faheem at his school at around 11.30am this morning. When we arrived there he was in a bouncer! Tergelak tengok dia dalam bouncer, kepala nak terkeluar, kaki terjulur keluar. he was too big for that!!! ;p I don't know whose bouncer was that but I think they had a hardtime putting him to sleep. Faheem usually sleeps from 11am to 3pm at home. Obviously he can't sleep in the nursery as they were too many attractions. When we arrived home, I checked his bag. Guess what? Along with his things, I put his lunchbox. I put a piece of chocolate cake, a muffin, a piece of bread with cheese and a packet of biscuit. All were gone except for the biscuit. I'm sure he ate them all because he was too full to even drink his milk. Semalam terfikir nak bekalkan nasi and ayam. But I cancelled the plan because I was afraid his caregiver doesn't know how to feed him his rice. Agaknya kalau letak sekali, dengan nasi2 habis. Anakku, anakku....

Abang has arranged with the school for him to be sent back at 10.30am daily. That is such a great relief for mummy! The problem that comes with the decision to send him to nursery is.. atuk is very worried of his safety and that he can't fend for himself. Mummy and daddy are worried too, but we are also worried that faheem's growth and personality will somewhat be affected by the lack of proper physical activites and social interactions in his early days. I have to regretfully admit, that I many a times dread over the lack of playgrounds, parks or any place that we (mummy and faheem) can frequent.

I was bored too when I first came here. it was like I couldn't do anything to wind down. I had nowhere to go, or even when I had a place to go it was just impossible for us to go without abang. We had to take the bus, and I had to handle faheem and his heavy stroller, and I just end up panting and puffing, eager to be back home. Things did improve MUCH when I started baking and selling cakes. Because i do something that I really love. But of course that is not the case with Ameer Faheem. He is getting even more bored when I bake haha.

Faheem is a hyperactive kid. Mind you, hyperactive is not a diagnosis as in ADHD. He needs a larger dose of physical activity to flow out his energy, and definitely a suitable place to do so. Home is of course not always the best place, as he ends up acting like an 'engineer'....repairing almost anything. When he is bored with nothing much to do, let me tell you what he does. he doesn't only pull off plugs, he.. pull off the socket from the wall as well. He unscrew his bed. And many other things which I think kids at his age don't do. Eh boleh ke kalau nak kata anak sendiri genius hahahah. Haihh ada anak genius sgt ni pun mencabar kesabaran hehe.

When we saw how happy he was to walk on the street, or to meet people, that was when we decided to send him to a nursery. But of course a grand dad's worry is a valid one, and we have to think over it again and again... abang kata istikharah dulu....

We are definitely trying to be the best mummy and daddy for Ameer Faheem al Waseem!

Hadhonah Day 2

2012-01-05T13:45:00.004+08:00

Today is the second day faheem goes to the hadhonah. When he go out as early as 7, i feel sad. It's kind of lonely without him. The bus arrived at our house at 3.15pm yesterday! That was too late, as it was near his bedtime. I've decided to fetch him myself at 11 today. Mummy takde kerja, inilah... sibuk nak ambil anak balik sekolah huhuu.. Abang has promised to discuss the matter again with the headmistress, asking whether it is possible to send him back at 11, and whether it is possible to send him alternate days. That is a great relief for me. If not, then we are thinking of moving him to another hadhanah which is nearer to our house and to which i can just walk to send and fetch him everyday.

Faheem cried again this morning when he sat in the van, realizing that abang was not coming with him. I prohibited myself from waving goodbye to him as I knew I would break down too. People say a kid will adjust. And I hope the crying episode will last for few days only. Going to school is supposed to be a fun thing for him, but I don't think it is going that way as for now.. we'll see... we'll see...

I have like 2.5 hours before I go out to fetch him, so I better hurry in finishing my job. Bye for now!

Hadhanah

2012-01-04T00:38:00.004+08:00

Berhampiran hadhanah..

Alhamdulillah. For 2 days we searched and surveyed a good hadhanah (nursery) for faheem, and we have agreed on a decision. InsyaAllah tomorrow will be Faheem's first day at school. In Jordan, a nursery is called hadhanah. A tabika is called bustan. A kindergarten/ tadika is called raudhah.

Hadhanah My Baby. It was recommended by one of our neighbours who also send their twins there. We tried to find a hadhanah which offers a learning programme for him, but it was not available. It's understandable, because we are not living in a big city (Amman), and thus have to deal with the lack of opportunity at hand. I guess I have to feel enough with that, again reminded of my main aim in sending him there- to socialize. perhaps I can improve his short quality time at home with my own educational programme insyaAllah :)

They offered to send a bus to fetch him as early as 7am tomorrow morning, but abang and me feel it is more appropriate for us to send him ourselves on the first day, to settle some fees, making some necessary arrangements with regard to his mealtime and just watch how thing goes. Adapting isn't always easy huh? I don't know about Faheem as he does enjoy company :). When we went there today, he appeared happy to find kids around his age.. to play with (and probably to quarrel with later on haha. Budak2 suka gaduh)

I am still a fulltime housewife. The decision to send him to a hadhanah isn't revolving around the issue of unable to take care of him, but the need for him to socialize. Well, if you look at how bored he is at home without any friend, then you'll be surprised that a kid as young as him can actually feel bored! Macam org tua, seriously.

Now that Faheem is about to experience his first day of school, I do feel old.....

Speaking about other things, I think I am super busy now haha. Planning for faheem's 1st birthday party, and handling my cake business hahaha (an even louder laugh). yes I've been selling cakes for quite some time. takdelah business apa pun, buat kek ikut mood and jual. itupun kompem tak hantar kek sebiji lengkap, sebab ada abang and faheem tukang cukai kat rumah huu. ada jugk org tempah. kalau buat kek tak jadi, selalu kawan2 abang yg habiskan haha. i take this opportunity to bake different types of cakes and to improve my baking skills. i experiment with various techniques of cake baking, and if you ask me if i am serious to open a bakery one day, the answer is definitely yes :)

i realize that for a wife to be successful, strong support from the husband is very much needed. Alhamdulillah Allah gives me a husband who supports me to achieve my dream no matter what. If only abang refuses to send my cakes to the shop after a tiring day in the hospital, refuses to bring me to town and spend many hours (we actually braved the rain, walking for many kilometres) searching for my baking needs (tools and such), refuses to buy baking ingredients everytime he come home from the mosque, refuses to finish my fail cakes or give it to his friends rather than throwng them into the bin (i used to throw away the fail cakes but abang insisted to eat them and even had to heat in the microwave to make them edible haha. sometimes when he had enough, he give them to his friends, luckily they are not the picky type huehue), refuses to taste and comment, refuses to motivate and 'push' me to bake when i'm lazy and refuses to get involved in anything... i am sure i won't have the strength to move on... Alhamdulillah for every bounty from Allah... and thank you abang for being a great support to me.. :)

yesterday our rice cooker broke down. guess it's its time... so i am burdened with another thing...which is to cook the rice on the stove :( i'm definitely not good at it, selalu je hangit... abang kata itulah cabaran utk seorng mummy haihhh. yg sebenarnya i don't usually cook our meal (very true, i don't really like cooking, i love baking), we buy from the many warungs almost everyday huuu T_T guess i have another cncrete reason to buy from the warungs after this? ;p

today i received an email from abah, sending us their (abah & ummi's) flight itinerary to Jordan, on their way to mecca! I am so excited, that I wrote down the details and timeline on abang's whiteboard! We really can't wait to have them here!!

Faheem turns 1 in 17 days insyaAllah!

2012-01-01T17:33:00.003+08:00

It is unbelievable, it is hard to believe. 1 year has gone by since i gave birth to him, it feels so fast. Approaching 1 year old, what can faheem do?

He runs wobbly
He can't speak but he blurts out words like abah, embah, bawah etc (which are meaningless to him)
Faheem suka berleter macam org tua tapi of course we couldn't understand anything
He likes to squat (duduk cangkung)
He is a copycat! Dia tiru daddy berus carpet, dia tiru mummy tepuk2 baju utk buang habuk. Kalau mummy tepuk2 punggung dia, dia tepuk2 tilam
Mouthing to the extreme :(
He loves having company
He is super heavy (I don't know his weight but the last time we weighed him almost 2 months ago, he was 10kg)
I think he is quite small in term of body size. Blame the asian gene ;p. will probably grow as tall as his pak scle and pak ki later on.
He absolutely has The Knack symptom, he tries to 'repair' almost anything
He has this weird idea that wherever his things go, it is possible for him to go there as well. For example, he throws his things (toys, milk bottle, biscuits etc) to a restricted area or into a small hole, and tries to join them himself.
He always remember to makeup backup plans. when he wants to play with unlawful things such as the heater, he remembers to bring along his elephant so that when we look at him, he pretends to play with that purple elephant.
He enjoys eating. He prefers cakes and breads and chocolates rather than rice and fish and chicken. Blame mummy.
He brushes his teeth everyday and he uses strawberry toothpaste which i'm sure he swallows down rather than rinsing it out! (daddy complain mulut faheem berbau haha sebab tu kena gosok gigi)
He still bites people (mummy and daddy)
He walks to the nearby grocery shop, and most of the times he doesn't want his hand to be held! Kedai yg jauh sekangkang kera dari rumah tu pun ambil masa setengah jam nak sampai sebab faheem kejap g depan, kejap patah balik, kejap nak melencong tepi jalan, and SELALU stop when he see interesting things on the street (any rubbish appears attractive to him btw, and considering that I'm in jordan.... so you know...)

By 2 years old, I hope Faheem can grossly pray, recite few surah from juz amma (i'm teaching him alfatihah and 3 qul), recognize alif ba ta, abc and numbers. A hectic 1 year awaits us....

Recipe for today ;D

2011-12-18T20:02:00.002+08:00

haven't updated my cooking blog for quite sometime, but today i don't have the option to procrastinate again. it's not that i don't cook but taking and uploading the pics are a prob for me. i don't have a handphone with camera and bluetooth. it is a handphone which i bought in my first year MBBS huhu. We usu take pics using abang's phone camera.

Hari ni tergerak hati nak buat tortilla, mcm puan anis buat utk suami dia ^_^. early in the morning faheem and me went out to buy some groceries. balik je, terus buat chocolate cake and banana cake. and then buat ayam masak sambal. lately my appetite takes a different twist (i wonder why hmm). i eat seriously more than usual and i crave for weird thins. 2 nights ago i asked abang to buy me nasi + pedal ayam (ada warung yg jual, we ate at 12am huhu). then today they sell paru lembu goreng, teringin jugak, terus order haih. yg buat ayam sambal tu sbnrnya sbb teringin nak makan paru sambal, so buat sambal siap2.

lepastu barula nak try resipi puan anis. mula2 buat popcorn chicken (abang panggil kuih ayam. kalau udang celup tepung abang kata kuih udang huuu T_T nama tak glamour langsung). lepastu barula nak masak totilla sebenar. and then buat gravy for mashed potato mcm kat kfc. senang crite ni tgh tringin nak makan twister kfc ngee~

will upload the recipe and pics later in my cooking blog insyaAllah :D

18th December 2011- Wadi Arab

2011-12-18T03:40:00.003+08:00

Alhamdulillah today we had the chance to have a picnic at wadi arab (betul ke tak ntah nama ni). It was so beautiful SUBHANALLAH! And later we visited the tomb of Muadz bin Jabal and his son. Abang said both of them died of cholera.. May Allah bless their souls..

New Hope

2011-12-15T02:16:00.001+08:00

I read many blogs and websites on methods of teaching a small kid, subscribed to many newsletters eg brillkid, learnt various tricks to stimulate a child, bought many educational and story books to supplement the teaching and I could sum up that I did quite a lot of things to educate my baby.

After few months of teaching Ameer Faheem, I started to give-up because he couldn't speak thus I didn't know whether he understands any of them. Furthermore nenek said that maybe at this age they are not ready to read yet. I started to believe that (eventhough I tried hard to believe otherwise), until 1 day (few days back) I noticed (I might be wrong anyway, but hey I'm trying to cling on to the slightest hope available haha) that Faheem started associating the phonics sounds that I made with the ABC which I pasted on his wall.

I love to sing this song that goes A sounds like aaaa.... apple, B sounds like behh...bee, C sounds like kkkeh...car, and D sounds like dddeh..DADDY! until z. I adapted the sound from smarthands (find in youtube). He usually likes it best when I say F sounds like ffffFFF...FAHEEM! And laugh as if that is the funniest thing in the world. Everytime I sing out the song, I point to the respective letters on his wall. Few days back when I started singing that song, he just watched and when I was about to mention the letter F (and point towards it), he started laughing out loud! I was too astonished that I laughed with him haha. It might be a coincidence anyway.

But I'm not going to lie, that if it was a coincidence, then it was a coincidence delicately planned by Allah to boost up my spirit again. Guess what did I do after that? I searched for the blog darwisy darwisya again (I read that blog a long time ago), this time around determined to seriously plan for Faheem's education. I have even laid out his daily routines (what to learn and when), I google for nutritious food ideas for him and I did some research for his school.

But for the time being, we are planning on sending him to a playgroup. But the schooling system in Jordan follows that of a university, which means they are finishing end of this month and start again in february. Guess Faheem has to wait until february insyaAllah. It's not really for educational purpose but rather for social purpose. i want him to learn how to make friends haha.

As for now, he still tries to eat his alif ba ta flashcards (by al-Furqan) which frustrates me daily, and he refuses to sit in front of the tv to watch his educational videos if i don't stay with him (even if i stay with him, he usually busies himself with something else such as trying to reach for the tv huu)

Ask me

2011-12-15T01:57:00.003+08:00

Ask me what an HO's housewife is going through, and I can give a sincere answer. Lonely. Most of the times I think I act like a small kid crying and fighting for abang's attention and time. Urgghh how I hate that but I just couldn't help it. That doesn't define an isteri solehah for sure..... But many times I just don't care T_T.

Macamanala isteri yang suaminya keluar berjihad lama kan? Besar pahala, tapi besar juga jurang untuk terbuat dosa, bilamana ketaatan isteri jadi pertaruhan. Abang kata nak keluar ikut tabligh sehari pun, dah berjuraian air mata. Berat hati untuk melepaskan, barangkali kerana nipisnya iman.

Orang kata sifat anak itu ikut ibu bapanya. I used to question that fact... until the proof is right there before my very own eyes...

Ameer faheem sukeeee sgt merajuk...

Ameer Faheem sukeeee sgt menangis bila bangun tidur...

Ameer Faheem mengamuk2 bila daddy nak keluar rumah...

Semua mummy faham...

TAPI

Ameer faheem extra buas... mummy tak dapat handle (sebab sifat ni dapat dari daddy lah ni hehe)

Mummy has gotta be strong so that Ameer Faheem will learn to be strong too!

10th December is about to end~

2011-12-11T01:23:00.003+08:00

orang kata harini gerhana bulan, 10th December 2011. Guess what? i can't even remember the science behind it... and I don't know what should I look for.. my mind does fail me..

It's a wonderful day.. because I have abang today. Uh I guess I only have him on saturday. Went out with him and Faheem... to get me a birthday present gee~ Thank you abang for the wonderful gift!

Org lain sibuk tengok gerhana, but I think of Ummi much! Rindunya kat Ummi... A birthday does reminds us of the one who sacrifices much for us, doesn't it?

Today Ameer Faheem starts brushing his teeth (I do it for him of course while he keeps trying to bite the toothbrush). The decision was made because he eats chocolate everyday. He roams the house all the time (he's excited that he can walk). He gets funnier day by day~

Oh 11th December is approaching...

2011-12-10T17:02:00.003+08:00

Oh today is my birthday. Nothing special to me, but a special reminder for Ummi of course of the pain that she endured and the joy that she experienced, exactly on the same date, 25 years ago... Thank you for everything!

I am 25 years older than 25 years ago of course haha. Abang wanted to do something special for the occasion (although I was more interested in snuggling under thick blanket), and yes we decided to go to Papa John JUST BECAUSE we wanted to take photos at the same place as 1 and a half year ago, celebrating abang's birthday!

Another project~ done!

2011-12-09T11:11:00.004+08:00

Oooopsss nampak gigi rabbit Faheem! Tgk ada wound kat tepi mata... ter'accident' dengan stroller when he was playing with it.

My little polar bear

I was planning on making cushions but it was diverted by another cheeky idea- i made a bagpack instead for my baby! And it was hand-sewn!! (I don't have a sewing machine btw)

Sewing the finishings..

Halfway through... took me 2 days to complete this

Tadaa!! the front view

backview

isi pampers faheem ;p

Well, maybe i should start working on the cushions

Calling it home

2011-12-07T11:58:00.003+08:00

After almost half a year (or more if I add up my previous visits) in Jordan, I find that Jordan is not so bad as I've thought before. Adapting isn't always easy, but it comes naturally with time I guess.

I remember when I first came to Jordan, the first 2 weeks were the tourism week. When you visit a place for the first time, you get all excited. A tourist. Entering the third week, it is not as wonderful as before. I started whining for the differences between Jordan and Malaysia. Approaching 1 month, there was nothing I wouldn't give to be home. Experiencing winter for the first time (this year is actually my second as I was here during the previous winter), I just couldn't believe that such a cold place exists on this earth and furthermore inhabited by human!

I remember, the first thing that I whined about was cocoa powder. I wanted to bake a choc cake but it was so hard to find cocoa powder. And I said to abang, "Don't Jordanians bake choc cake??" Haha.Most of the time I whine about food ingredients which are not available here. Then the food. Sebenarnya abang tak biasa dengan benda2 pelik that I want. Specifically- what a woman want. There was one time when abang and me went to a tailor to ask about jahit tepi. Man, we all laughed when abang didn't know what to say to the tailor, throughout his 6 years in Jordan, he has never been to a tailor, so understandably his vocabulary of sewing thingy is nil.

Then I felt so weird why did Jordanians love brown. Anything brown. Brown/gold cushion, curtains, bedsheet etc. Everything. I said to abang, "Susah betul nak cari kain bercorak kat sini" Abang said, maybe they love brown because they live in a desert haha. So I brought my curtains, pillow cases, comforters, tablecloth, kitchen towel, apron (everything) all the way from malaysia haha. I love english rose pattern.

Because I am so bored at home, we go out every weekend- to balad (town). Abang used to go there once in a year but since I'm here, the frequency increases to weekly ;p Slowly I learn that Jordan is actually colourful ! And I actually think that once i go back to malaysia, I will miss a part of here. Especially balad! ;p We get quality things at cheap prices (what I love most are the soft toys for Ameer faheem and his clothes). I can find sweet potato in Jordan to make kuih keria. They do have delicious halawiyat! They have english rose curtains. There are times when i look at bedsheet and feel like, "ahhh, I just have to buy his one. it is so sweet!". And guess what I found yesterday????

COLOURFUL CLOTHS!

And yeah, my sewing projects begin here ;p I plan to make cushion cover for Ameer faheem (yang suka sangat dengan bantal tu), and blouses for me~

Projek ibu dan anak lalala~

2011-12-05T15:15:00.003+08:00

Budak yang suka dengan bantal banyak!!!! Sampai golek2 atas bantal, daddy kata macam kucing ;p

A is for Apple, B is for bee, C is for car and clouds

G is for giraffe. Eh giraf takde mata and mulut lagi

N is for nest

T is for tree, S is for sun (snake tak siap lagi)

I just want to share a project which I've started not a long time ago, still under construction and yet to be finished ;D

Tentulah projek ibu yang banyak sangat masa hehe

I started teaching faheem ABC, alif ba ta and numbers since few months ago. Well till now I don't know whether he understands any of it, he can't even speak haha~ I don't mind anyway, it is just a fun playtime activity and of course I'm not that serious as for now.

Since we came back to Jordan, I [ehemm-cough, cough] have been informed that Piyah aka Pipi aka Safiyya Amani has been attending homeschool- kat rumah nenek! Well that kinda motivated me to [cough *you know] be at least at par with the our great homeschool teacher- NENEK! We learnt to read at quite a young age, taught by Ummi. in fact I attended kindergarten for 2 days only, before I quickly became fed-up with the morning session (because i had to wake up early haha).

BUT only RECENTLY... I received a super trustable news from the very great teacher herself (NENEK) that Pipi actually goes to school for 1 hour per day only which is from 12pm to 1pm. And out of that 1 hour, she only studies for 5 to 10 minutes depending on her mood, and spend the rest of the time roaming nenek's house!!! How funny my dear pipi hehe. Miss her much!

So back to my home-kindergarten, I made ABC cards and paste them on Ameer faheem's bedroom wall. And I drew and cutout pictures as example for each letter.

Here goes:

A is for apple

B is for bee

C is for car and clouds

D is for Daddy

E is for elephant

F is for faheem

G is for giraffe

H is for house

I is for inchworm

J is for Jamalun (Camel)

k is for kite

L is for lion

M is for mummy

N is for Nest

O is for owl and orange

P is for panda and pumpkin

Q is for quack

R is for rabbit and rainbow

S is for snake and sun

T is for tree

U is for umbrella

V is for vegetables

W is for Wolf

X is for X-ray

Y is for yellow yacht

Z is for zebra

Well really i have no other things to do...see I list down everything from A to Z!!! Hahahaha~

But as mentioned before, the project is still underway. So I post the pics of few examples which I have pasted. Well let's make learning a joyful experience! :D

Soal hati..

2011-12-04T23:30:00.003+08:00

Have been writing and keeping it to myself lately. Probably because of their melancholic nature. I'm getting more and more emotional these days ahaha~

I'm the type of person who 'absorb' experiences quite excellently. Uh in a simpler way of explaining, I tend to internalize things that I see, I hear, etc into emotions, perceptions and even dreams thus explaining the frequent nightmares haha. For example if I (be it accidentally) hear somebody talking about simple robbery, I will usually dream about some high level robbery committed by hideous monsters armed by extra modern guns etc occurring in some nightmarish planet. That is how advance my imagination goes. Heyy it's not like I'm enjoying any bit of it, but yes it happens almost everyday huu~ Thus abang has these been carrying out these protective measures to at least minimize the imagination huu, for example, prohibition from watching freaking videos, prohibition from listening to frightening stories, no involvement in weird discussions etc..

Abang has been careful...too careful until yesterday morning when he 'invited' me to watch a video- it was actually a recording from a tv show, interviewing a mother and her 20+ year old son who lives like husband and wife after the death of her husband (which is the son's father). They are Indonesians, and they are proud to own up. How gruesome! Doing something wrong from religious aspect (any religon, man. i don't know whether they are muslims or not but if they are then it is even more messed up!) is one thing. Not realizing it is wrong from the fitrah aspect is another thing. Not feeling ashame to own up is even more unbelievable! Appearing on TV as if to tell the world, "Hey, what's wrong with that?" is so killing my sanity. They are INSANE. Oh only insane people can do that. And oh insanity can also run in family~

I didn't finish watching it, I just couldn't challenge my sanity. What kind of world am I living in right now? I kept thinking about it, and yes I still can't get it out of my mind~ How awful...

Speaking about other things...

Abang came back home on Wednesday telling me...,"Junior abang baru admitted kat hospital KAUH. AML (Acute Myeloid Leukemia)"

Me... "Siapa?"

Abang.... "Ilham Ellani. Dia MINDEF"

I replied.."Dia presented dengan apa?"

Abang..."Tak sure, abang tak tengok dia lagi. Bahaya ke?"

Me..."Kata cancer..." I refused to explain and discuss further

Friday... Ameer Faheem and me waited in front of Yarmuk Univ Mosque for abang to finish his friday prayer. When abang arrived, a friend of him came to us... explaining about Ilham's father who is coming to Jordan but needs regular dialysis. he asked abang about the procedure in KAUH

Abang..."Macamana ye nak buat dialysis?"

Me... "Abang kena tanya KAUH la procedure macamana.. Lama ke ayah dia nak duduk sini?"

Abang..."Sampai dia sembuh"

Me... "Oh ayah dia pindah sini terus ke?" (if you are a doctor [even if you are not], you will realize that leukemia is not a disease that comes and go like cough and flu.....)

Abang... "mmmm..."

Saturday...

Abang was in the toilet, I checked my FB.

al-fatihah buat ilham ellani..moga rohnya d tempatkn bersama mereka yg beriman..dr ALLAH kita dtg, kpd ALLAH jua kita kembali... cukuplah mati itu sebagai peringatan..

Me... "Abang!!!!!! Junior abang yg AML nama apa? Ilham Ellani ke?"

Abang..."Haah. kenapa?"

Me... "Dia dah meninggal....Diorng britahu dlm FB"

Abang... "Hah?????" He came out of the toilet to check his FB...

Innalillahiwainnalilaihi rajiun...

Tak habis palpitation tengok video mengarut... kini berita kematian dia menambah sesak di dada. Sesak dengan sebak dan sayu.

Aku tak pernah mengenali dia yang bernama Ilham Ellani. Tak pernah bersua wajah, juga tak pernah mendengar ceritera tentangnya. Cuma namanya meniti dibibir abang saat2 akhir kehidupannya. Tapi mungkin kerana ikatan aqidah, dia yang tidak pernah sebelum ini mencelah jalan cerita kami, pemergiannya untuk selama-lamanya mengundang seribu kesayuan. Dia yang tak pernah kukenali tapi Allah hadirkan dia dalam hidupku walaupun cuma untuk seketika, sebagai pengajaran yang cukup mengusik jiwa. Ilham Ellani baru sahaja pergi, dan apa yang pasti aku PASTI AKAN menyusulinya...

moga roh Ilham Ellani ditempatkan bersama roh orang2 yang beriman dan bertaqwa...moga roh kami jua suatu hari nanti...

Memang cukup mati itu sebagai pengajaran. Yang ditinggalkan akan meratapi, tapi yang pergi pasti lebih banyak urusannya... Ya Allah permudahkan urusan kami semua seusai meninggalkan dunia..

Anak itu anugerah

2011-11-28T18:17:00.004+08:00

Faheem cuba korek keluar anjing and tulisan tu..

tak berjaya..!

Faheem sedang 'operate' tigger..

mummy & faheem... Arabella Mall

Ameer Faheem al-Waseem.... satu ANUGERAH!

Malam tadi kami menerima berita gembira lagi. Alhamdulillah pasangan Nadiah dan Fauzi Akmal dianugerahkan cahayamata pertama mereka, seorang mujahid. Anak bongsu irbid barangkali sebelum tirai 2011 berlabuh. Setiap kali adanya berita kelahiran, saya pasti naluri keibuan tercuit, baik ibu-ibu yang sudah memiliki ramai tentera-tentera kecil, mahupun mereka yang baru akan bergelar ibu. Begitulah kegembiraan yang dibawa bersama suatu kelahiran, kegembiraannya sehingga tersebar dan terkesan pada orang sekitarnya :)

Anak itu anugerah, benarkah? Kata org kedah, "Celah mana?" Aku duduk terkesima, benarkah? Jika sedari kecil menuntut pengorbanan dan kesabaran ibu bapa? Sudahlah mengandung itu payah, melahirkan itu menyakitkan. Bila sahaja lahir, ragamnya cukup melelahkan. Asyik saja menangis kelaparan sehinggakan tidur ayah ibunya terganggu, kemudian baru disusukan, berak pula. Ini tidak lagi dikira kembung perut, sakit itu dan ini, dan macam2 ragam lagi. Menginjak ke dewasa, pelbagai fasa dilalui. Ingin makan segala benda, ingin mencuba setiap sesuatu, tidak mendengar kata, buas dan banyak lagi sehingga tidak tersenaraikan..

Apakah dengan kesusahan ini, anak itu masih dikatakan satu anugerah? Tentulah. Kerana disebalik kepayahan mengandung, ibu ayah tidak jemu mengusap manja anak didalam perut dan tidak sabar untuk menanti saat lahirnya. Disebalik kesakitan melahirkan, dapat menatap wajah comel anak memberikan bahagia yang sukar untuk diungkap. Sehinggakan saat melahirkan itu selalu dirindui untuk dilalui semula. Disebalik ragamnya yang banyak dan acapkali mencabar kesabaran, memenuhi keperluan dan kehendak anak itu membuahkan kepuasan. Puas dapat mengenyangkannya, puas dapat membuatkan dia selesa, puas dapat melihatnya membesar didepan mata, puas dapat mendidiknya. Dan jika anak itu tersasar dalam perjalanan kehidupan, pasti kita ingin sentiasa disampingnya memberikan panduan, biarlah sedalam mana kedegilannya

Ameer Faheem al-Waseem?

Ameer faheem adalah anugerah untuk kami alhamdulillah. Anugerah selama 10 bulan + 9 bulan mengandungkan, hampir 2 tahun kami hidup dengan kehadirannya. Setiap detik yang berlalu adalah detik yang meninggalkan jejak rindu (kecuali ketika alahan mengandung huu). Kini Faheem sudah 10 bulan, kenangan yang tercipta terlalu banyak untuk diabadikan.

Memang ada ketika, kami geram betul dengan ragamnya. Makan segala benda (termasuklah sampah sarap, kasut dsb), koyakkan buku, tabur makanan serata rumah, tak dengar kata. Tapi kami cuba untuk mengerti bahawa kedegilannya adalah untuk mempelajari. Contohnya sudah banyak kali dia cuba untuk pegang api pemanas, kami cukup marah, dan pernah sekali dia berjaya pegang juga, dan terus meraung kesakitan. Saat itu aku marah, tapi marah dengan diri sendiri kerana tidak mampu melindungi dia.

Hari ini kami ke klinik untuk suntikan 10 bulan (ikut jadual suntikan Jordan). Anak2 disitu semuanya diam dan pasif. tiba2 suara anak teruna saya juga yang memecahkan kesunyian. Menegur pasangan kembar lelaki yang lebih kurang sebaya dengannya. "Ahh!.. ahh!" Tiba2 dia senyum. Kembar itu juga tersenyum. Hehe gelagat Ameer Faheem selalu mencuit hati. "Assalamualaikum" saya mengajar Ameer faheem cara untuk menegur kawan. "Alaikassalam" ibu kembar itu menjawab dengan sura halus. "Psst... pssst," dia menyambung. memang itu cara mereka bermain dengan bayi. Faheem pun mula mengeluarkan suara halusnya. Bayi 'shini' kami juga yang hebat! (mereka suka mengejek orang melayu dengan panggilan "Shini" iaitu Chinese. Kata abang itu satu penghinaan)

Dan sejak memiliki Faheem hampir tidak pernah aku berbelanja untuk diri sendiri sehinggakan abang kata, "Setiap kali keluar kita beli barang untuk Faheem je!" Aku tersengih, "Anak kita sorang ni je kan :)". Bahagia

Masih tidak percaya bahawa anak itu anugerah?

Salam awal muharram

2011-11-27T00:03:00.002+08:00

Today I cook nasi lemak (not again??? huargggh), because a kitchen that smells like malaysia makes me feel heavenly in the Jordan winter. And today I make bawang goreng. You know the kind that you buy (and never make it yourself) in Malaysia. The kind that people say are cooked with plastic to make it crunchy..? No, I made it myself and they are just as crunchy, obviously I didn't fry any kind of plastic. I'm thinking of making some hot soto (and ohh eat it with the bawang goreng!), and in the same time planning to make mee bandung (I've blended some sweet potato, and put them in the fridge). Man, I just can't stop thinking about food in winter!!!! T_T

The only thing that I need right now is a weighing scale.

Hari ini awal muharram. Abang actually wished me "Salam Maal Hijrah"..... didn't expect it anyway. Abang kata kena lupa kesalahan lama, kena tambah kebaikan dan kasih sayang. Huhhh kena tambah jugakla baca Quran dan jangan asyik berFB and blogging je ok :)

I really have a long way to go.......

Ameer Faheem's props

2011-11-22T11:40:00.004+08:00

faheem can stand up and take 2 to 3 steps further alhamdulillah :)

faheem's curtain

hanging bedhead (bumper)

bedsheet, and blanket

and pillowcases too!

Don't want to write much, just want to upload few pics of Ameer Faheem's props which I made myself :D Just so that Ameer Faheem will one day realize how special he is!

It's freezing cold and I'm not ok with it..

2011-11-15T20:40:00.002+08:00

I am writing this because i have nothing better to do. how sweet does that sound? it's really cold here, and i'm slowly and chronically losing my sanity to it. i don't know the temperature but what i do know we use the water heater all the time and I've had my fair share of burns because of the desperate need to be warm. scalding hot specifically. And numerous times mentioning to abang of a getaway to Malaysia haha. There are always thing to be fretted about when there are so many other things to be thankful of. I always feel like throwing the gas sobah (heater) into a sea (Aqabah perhaps) when I have two hirams (and of course abang too) to make me warm. Oh I can't stand the smell of the gas- it gives me watery eyes and headache. And then I despise entering toilet. I remember once Ummi told me of her experience when she was studying in UK. She said that mat saleh bathe once in a month. I do some math, and if winter spreads for 4 months, then they bathe for 4 times ONLY throughout that period. Surely I would like to do that too! But only this morning I smelled Ameer Faheem, and had to persuade abang to smell him too. Guess what? He smelled like a goat (I'm not kidding seriously). And Ameer Faheem bathe weekly. Oh monthly bath is a definite no-no.

Ameer Faheem and me have quite a severe cough and runny nose since a week ago. And if Ameer Faheem has runny nose, it is absolutely a mess. He doesn't know how to blow his nose, and he seriously objects to others wiping his nose as well. mengamuk2 taknak org lap hingus dia haisyy. And in case you are wondering why does mummy get it everytime Ameer Faheem has it, the answer is simple dimple (bak kata abang), he LOVES coughing at my face. It's not air-borne to be clear, he practically sprays all his infectious saliva to me huhuuu.

There was one morning when abang and me walked to yarmouk mosque to perform subh prayer. on our way, we came across a man who was sleeping on the cement floor of a row of shops. No hiram, no mattres, nothing. He was wearing a shirt and a pair of jeans. It was surely freezing cold. Only then I realized how lucky I am not to be homeless T_T But then I still snap at people when I can't stand the low temperature. And seriously I think I can freeze and die (in my sleep probably) T_T Naudzubillahiminzalik

We visited ijat this morning. her husband called me sometime before subuh, informing me of the contractions that she had. 3 in 10; 1 minute each. i said "what? Go to the hospital now!", knowing her history of a fast labour. Asked abang to get a taxi asap and as soon as they arrived there, she gave birth to a super cute 3.1kg baby girl, darling Ulya. Oh how I love watching her serene, lovely chubby face. Well of course not without inviting a question from abang, "Kita bila lagi ayang?". I've always wanted a girl, but uh perhaps pregnancy is not for me for the time being and in the immediate future. I've had enough an experience, to last for few years insyaAllah :)

Ameer Faheem loves clapping his hand nowadays. And he is also a copycat hehe. I like to kiss him and enhance the sound (uh you know the kissing sound), and now when I do it, he makes that sound back. It's funny :D 2 more teeth have erupted, totaling in 4 front teeth. I'm currently teaching him how to climb up the ladder of his slide hehe. Tapi sekarang asyik nak kena dukung je, suka nangis buat bunyi merajuk teruk. and sometimes in the middle of the night he doesn't want to be alone so I just put him in my lap, hug him tight, we look at each other doing nothing for hours huuu. Will probably upload few pics of that little darling in few days time :)

2011-11-11T14:54:00.002+08:00

To the mosque we go, to the mosque we go it's friday today! :D it's friday people. and today we have the SEAD programme. An Eidul Adha celebration for malaysians in Irbid, oh I guess I'd probably be enjoying rendang after all (well that's the case if they cook rendang haha).

Yesterday, Ameer Faheem (and mummy hehe) managed to put his hands on a slide (gelongsor)- the toy which abang has promised to buy for him, in exchange with my cooking ngee~. A blue one, 3 steps. Huuu macam teruk plak isteri abang nih. Well the price is obviously cheaper than ordering food for 100 people so i'm taking it as a win-win situation, kan abang kan?? It's not that abang won't buy it for free (because really abang is one person who almost never say no to anything) but I just felt unfair to get something without doing anything.

Classes start in 2 days time and oh how much i hate that. But a student has got to strive hard. Our (Ameer Faheem and me) days will surely be lonely when abang is busy at class. And that signals I've got to put my headmistress hat on, planning things for Ameer Faheems education again. Btw, Ameer Faheem had his 2 weeks of school-free days :D

Aidil adha 2011

2011-11-10T14:19:00.000+08:00

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

This year marks our (Ameer faheem and me) first aidiladha far away from home. I was a lil bit teary of course especially when abang started takbir on raya night but since it was only 2 weeks since I came back here, the eid was not so terrible after all Alhamdulillah :)

As we were in a festive mood, Abang decided to hold open houses (twice in fact). The first one which was on first day of raya, was allocated for the singles (especially abang's batch-mates :p). The second one on the third day of raya was for families. Initially abang decided to order the food priced at JD1.5 per head. Pondering upon that thought, I came up with another idea; which was I cook but in turn abang allows me to buy Faheem something expensive haha. A toy. Abang agreed. So on both occasion I cooked Nasi minyak, ayam masak merah, acar sayur, cakes (choc and banana), carbonara and macaroni. That were about all I could afford to do.. practically alone huu as i cooked for 100 people in total. Pheww that was really a work-out for me.

Ameer Faheem enjoyed the company so much of course, many kids to play with. And of course he loved playing with 'Umar! There was one time when he stood and hold on to Umar's hood and tried to chase after 'Umar, while flashing a cheeky smile all the time. But 'Umar walked too fast for him and he fell. Oh both of them look soo cute together! :DDD We also attended other open houses, it was such fun Alhamdulillah. An at one of the open houses, Kak Jiha actually made a soft cotton japanese cheesecake which was too good to be called delicious that I have decided to try baking it today! And Kak Aizah baked carrot cake which was also too good to be real and i'm gonna try baking it soon as i receive the recipe from her insyaAllah. Wish me luck :) Will probably send a report later haha.

Ameer Faheem will turn 10 months in 2 weeks time insyaAllah. We have lost track of his weight and height, thanks to the comprehensiveness of infant checkup in Jordan clinic :(. But he can now stand without support (and smiling ear to ear while doing it. oh he's so proud of it!), sometimes trying to take a step further but end in a fall hehe. I pray that he can walk soon insyaAllah.

Khabar dari irbid

2011-10-29T11:02:00.003+08:00

Alhamdulillah dah seminggu kami meninggalkan bumi Malaysia. Dah seminggu juga kami bertabah mengharungi winter Jordan, setakat ni dah 13 darjah Celcius. Memang sejuk, Faheem dah seminggu tak mandi hehe. sebabnya bila mummy buka baju dia and bawa masuk toilet, menjerit-jerit menangis taknak kena air :p

Cepat betul waktu berlalu, bagai tak terasa dalam kekalutan menguruskan rumah. Sesungguhnya kami diuji lagi...

Jumaat 21 oktober, 19:50 kami berangkat ke Jordan dengan Gulf Air. Berat bagasi memang tak ingat, lebih kurang 150 kg utk kami tiga beranak. Tak termasuk lagi dengan stroller faheem yang tak perlu timbang huuu. Alhamdulillah tak banyak masalah di Airport. Dalam flight dari Malaysia ke Bahrain pun tak banyak masalah, Ameer Faheem tidur pada kebanyakan masa.

Dari Queen Alia international airport, puas kami berfikir cara untuk pulang kerumah beserta barang2 yang banyak. Akhirnya Allah berikan kami jalan keluar yang sungguh tak disangka2, kami pulang menaiki pickup. Harga pun murah JD15 sahaja dari airport sampai ke rumah. Entah macamane abang boleh terjumpa pickup tak tahulah.

Sampai shj dirumah, ingtkan bolehla berehat, sambil hati tak sabar2 untuk pasang segala hasil jahitan di Malaysia. Buka pintu, ya Allah, najis tikus berteraburan serata rumah, bau kencingnya menusuk sampai ke otak. Kami jalan dari satu bilik ke bilik lain, semuanya dicerobohi tikus hatta sehingga ke atas katil pun ada najis tikus. Kemudian kami ke dapur dan sekali lagi dikecewakan. Makanan dalam kotak dan tin habis dimakan, dapur sungguh kotor dan busuk. Tandas apatah lagi, laluan utama tikus untuk masuk kedalam rumah, penuh dengan tanah dan segala kotoran busuk. Terasa seperti ingin menangis, tapi masih gagah untuk terus mencapai vacuum cleaner dan terus membersihkan carpet. Tidak sempat pun menukar baju..

Cuaca di Jordan waktu itu sudah sejuk, winter sudah bermula. Ameer Faheem yang memang selsema sejak di Malaysia seperti susah untuk menyesuaikan diri dengan perubahan cuaca mendadak. Dia mula sesak nafas. Aku mula risau, dan selepas solat, kami terus keluar untuk ke hospital dan makan malam. Di hospital nasal suction dibuat- prosedur untuk menyedut kahak2 dan hingus, sebab Ameer Faheem masih belum pandai menghembuskan hingus dan membuang kahak sendiri sehingga menyebabkan dia sesak nafas. Alhamdulillah dia tidak ditahan di wad. Kami pulang malam itu keletihan dan terus tidur.

Keesokan harinya kelas abang bermula. Aku begitu berat hati untuk melepaskan abang pergi. Sebabnya tikus masih dalam rumah dan aku begitu fobia dengan tikus. Abang pesan supaya aku tidur sepanjang dia ke kelas dan dia cuba untuk balik awal setiap hari. Memang begitulah rutin aku dan faheem setiap hari. tidur sehingga abang pulang dari kelas. Bila abang pulang, barulah kami beroperasi mengemas rumah dan mencari tikus. Membuang barang2 yang rosak dan nmengasingkan pakaian yang perlu dibasuh. Akhirnya kami asingkan sehingga penuh 6 bakul pakaian untuk dibasuh. Bila mula hendak membasuh, mesin basuh pula tak berfungsi. Aku mula rasa tertekan, dan terus membasuh dengan tangan. Ya Allah terasa seperti sudah jatuh ditimpa tangga. Semuanya itu aku habiskan dalam 1 minggu. Sudahlah air sejuk seperti ais, tangan dan kaki pula memang luka2 sebab kering akibat cuaca yang sejuk, tapi digagahi juga untuk bersabar atas ujian2.

Akhirnya setelah 4 hari kelas, abang mula bercuti untuk 2 minggu. Cuti raya haji. Subhanallah aturan Allah itu memang cantik. Terasa ringan didada sejak abang mula bercuti. Kami mengemas rumah sebaik celik mata di waktu pagi sehinggalah keletihan tertidur pada waktu malam. Biasanya selesai saja solat isya' jam 6.30pm, kami terus tertidur. Beberapa hari kami ke balad untuk survey carpet dan akhirnya Alhamdulillah berjumpa dengan carpet yang berkenan di hati dan harga berpatutan. Pink for my room, purple polka dot for Ameer Faheem (sebab nak sesuaikan dengan set bilik tidur polka dot yang aku jahitkan hehe), Maroon stripes for the lounge and flowery pink for the lobby. Alhamdulillah. Memang aku patut ucap terima kasih yang tak terhingga kat abang sebab sudi melayan kehendak wife ngade dia ni nak carpet pink serumah hehe. Kemudian episod memasang carpet pun bermula. Memang meletihkan. Sudahlah angkat carpet pun berat, inikan pula memasang carpet dalam rumah yang sudah dipenuhi perabot. Aku dan abang bekerja berdua je, memindahkan perabot dari satu bilik ke bilik lain. Ya Allah, rasa seperti nak patah pinggang, rasa putus asa dan macam2 lagi perasaan negatif, tapi kami terus bertabah.

Kemudian setelah hampir 2 minggu, rumah hampir selesai di kemas, abang mula membaiki barang2 elektrik yang rosak. Alhamdulillah mesin basuh dah dibaiki, ada wayar putus digigit tikus. Abang seboleh2nya ingin mmbaiki semua barang sendiri. Sebabnya di kawasan kami ada satu sahaja kedai baiki mesin. Dan serious aku sendiri geram betul dengan tuan kedai tu, berbisnes dengan cara tidak jujur. Pendek kata, aku rasa dia dapat duit haram je. tak bimbangkah dia menyuap rezeki haram ke mulut anak isteri??? manusia.. manusia.. Tuan rumah kami pun warning supaya tidak ke kedai ni.

Pernah dulu bahagian spinner mesin basuh rosak. Abang hantar untuk dibaiki, terus dicaj JD25 (lebih kurang RM150). Bila buka bahagian belakang, rupa2nya dia hanya tambah pin pada tali spinner yang terputus, tak tukar tali baru pun. Takkanlah tambah pin sampai JD25?? Kemudian ada sekali abang hantar peti sejuk. Katanya rosak motor (rasanya semua orang hantar pun dia kata motor rosak, walaupun aku rasa gas je habis). terus dia charge JD60. Abang biarkan dulu di kedai sebab terlalu mahal. Tapi sekarang peti sejuk abang pun dah takde, dia jual barangkali. Baru2 ini pula kami hantar 2 sobah gas (heater) untuk dibaiki sebab apinya merah dan bukan biru. Mula2 dia kata JD6.5 untuk setiap satu (sebelum minta dibaiki, kami tanya harga dulu), kami kata mahal sangat. dia kata JD5, so kami kata ok. Dia baiki dua2 sobah tu 15 minit je,cuma tukar sumbu yg harganya JD1 (sebab abang pergi kedai hardware tanya). lepas tu dia kata harga JD6.5x2 + JD2 utk upah = JD15. Malam itu seriously aku rasa macam nak bunuh dia ni sebab menipu besar! Tapi aku diam je.

Alhamdulillah rumah kami selesai dikemas. Alhamdulillah wa shukrulillah. Lapang rasa dada. Abang pun boleh mula focus pada study, begitu juga aku. Alhamdulillah atas nikmat teman baik anugerah Allah. Abang memang satu anugerah, teman yang bersamanya aku lalui pelbagai perkara, dengannya aku pelajari erti sebenar kehidupan, bahawa kehidupan itu tak sentiasa indah dan mudah, tak sentiasa seperti yang kita impikan, tapi disebalik setiap usaha pasti ada bahagianya :) Mengenangkan kehidupan aku dan abang yang merantau, sejak dari mula kami berkahwin. Dulunya kami merantau ke kuantan bila abang pulang ke malaysia, dan kini kami merantau di jordan. Merantau di kuantan lain kisahnya. Pernah duduk di hotel berminggu2, duduk di homestay sehingga berbulan lamanya, berkali2 juga kami tidur di R&R kerana keletihan travelling kedah-kl-kuantan, kehidupan yang jika diceritakan seakan berbunyi pelik, tapi bila dilalui bersama abang terasa seperti adventurous hahaha. Merantau di bumi asing jordan, mungkin lebih banyak cabarannya. tatkala aku dan abang cuba untuk membina kehidupan dan rumah yang selesa untuk kami 3 beranak, memang tidak mudah. Dari segala aspek (yang kebanyakannya biarlah tersimpan rapi dalam lipatan memori aku dan abang). Dan sekali lagi kami banyak melakukan perkara yang mungkin tidak terjangkau pada pemikiran orang :p Contohnya waktu kami pindah rumah, abang angkut segala perabot seorang diri dari rumah ke lori. Aku marah betul dengan abang tentang perkara ni. Bimbang abang sakit2 belakang, sakit pinggang dan sakit satu badanlah senang cerita. Tapi abang kata waktu itu kawan2 sedang sibuk dengan program kalau tak silap. Kemudian dari lori ke rumah sewa baru barulah kawan2 datang untuk membantu sebab waktu itu sudah lewat malam dan program pun sudah habis.

Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal :)

Really...?

2011-10-20T10:58:00.002+08:00

Seperti tidak percaya dalam tempoh lebih kurang 24 jam kami isyaAllah akan berangkat meninggalkan Malaysia... pengalaman baru untuk mummy yang tak pernah berjauhan lama dari keluarga, mungkin perkara biasa bagi daddy yang sudah lama di perantauan.. Ameer Faheem? Barangkalipermusafiran yang tidak memberi impak pada kehidupan tidur-makan-mainnya :)

Moga Allah permudahkan...

To just keep quiet and hug tight

2011-10-12T13:45:00.006+08:00

I have so many things to write about. First about Asma's wedding. I have written an article on it but as the pics are still not available, I'll post it later. Second, about the convocation last saturday (but as it was dead boring, I guess I just have to skip writing about it). Next is about Big Bad Wolf (which I can't help but to write about it), but I haven't transferred the piccies from the camera, so it has to wait as well. Finally rambling is the easiest. So I guess i'll be happy with it for now :)

This morning Ameer Faheem self-servicely took his tonic which was Drapolene. Oh if you happen not to know what a Drapolene is, it is a pink cream for diaper rash! Yeah every single day morning is such an event for the two of us, but somehow there is always something to make each day stand out significantly from the others huu.

The day started out happily with great learning activities. I let him read a book entitled One Mole Digging a Hole, all the while ignoring his attempt to eat the book. (Well I'm kind of frustrated with the chronic mouthing period. Oh how I hope it will stop soon. He simply eats anything including slippers, rubbish etc). Then I played the video "Ten Little Numbers". He was so happy that he started to dance and..... finally fell on the floor. Then I started showing him flashcards of alif ba ta which stopped at the letter zai as he was uninterested. Then I gave him his breakfast and his second bottle of milk for the day. Then he slept for about 10 minutes before waking up again (that is too normal for him). Then I changed his diapers and let him play with the Drapolene (with the lid tight) before I ran to the kitchen to check on my cooking (maggi je huhu). No more than 5 minutes later, he cried. I ran to him and presto, the drapolene was on the floor, around his mouth, and some managed to go in huuu. It was just like icing. I was so shock that I practically swept him off the floor and washed his mouth. I called abang (who was doing his elective in Paediatrics ward, and asked him to ask his Dr what to do. Alhamdulillah Drapolene doesn't seem to be that nasty, and all that is need is symptomatic treatment...

I thought that was a warning for him, that enough is enough for the day but instead he became more hyperactive, forcing me to shout at one thing after another huuu. He played in the toilet, then take things off the rack one by one starting with a nailcipper, ridsect, shoe brush etc. I took the thing from him one by one, and the next thing i realized he was trying to eat an envelope. After being forbidden to do so, he went to a cupboard and open and close drawers. Phewwww. I immediately brought him out of the room, realizing that my patient was thinning fast :( He went to the kitchen, turned off the stove fire and tried to play around with gas before moving on to banging pots and pans. I transferred him to the living room hoping for a more serene condition but next thing I knew he was in the toilet. I took my phone, smsed abang, and sat down to cry. Man I was tired.

That is how my usual day goes. Luckily abang is still a student, who can luxuriously come home (for the day) at noon to help me out. Alhamdulillah.

But the thing that I want to share is kids are like that. Some are perhaps milder, some are worse. After all he is just a kid. My house is not a kid-friendly kid-safe house. Self explained by the age of the youngest among us is now 19 years old. Sometimes I do miss our house in Jordan where I can let Ameer Faheem explore his own world without having me to ban him from doing almost everything. Here, we put rubbish bin everywhere, giving him chances to *uhuks* empty them anytime. We have stairs practically in between every rooms! Oh I think abah loves a house with many levels, and windows! I am tired watching him climbing up stairs. Ameer Faheem even climbed upstair to the second storey once. I almost got a heart attack. Ummi put flowers everywhere, and for sure Ameer Faheem understood it as he is invited to pick them up. And due to all those, accidents happen like a train. one after another.

A child wants to learn, attention, love and EXPLORE. Sometimes I am mad at myself for not giving Ameer Faheem the things he needs to grow. I am not a mum-angel who can always smile
despite what he does. I sometimes get mad, I raise my voice, I shout, I cry, I pray and I advice. If what he does do cross certain limits, (such as bullying safiyya), I act stern using the words Allah marah, neraka and syurga. He is a 9 month old kid who doesn't understand but if he is not being taught he will never understand.

Oh how i hope Allah will guide me to bring up this amanah. Ameer Faheem is indeed an amanah. An amanah that is so precious that most of the time he makes us smile, and he makes us feel warm inside, and I can tell, we kiss him for more than hundreds of times per day haha, probably thousands!

But sometimes what I am best at is to just keep quiet and hug him tight..

Ameer Faheem and Abang

2011-09-28T07:46:00.006+08:00

Today I plan to write on Faheem's education plans (haha macamlah banyak sangat), a topic which i keep postponing for so long. Well we were not well for quite sometime, I had fever for 2 weeks, siap muntah2 and prompted abang to ask me to undergo the pregnancy test huu. Alhamdulillah, sekarang dah sembuh :)

Eventhough Faheem is only 8 months old, I have started teaching him simple things, basically I want to teach him how to read. My main reason? Faheem is too active, trust me he is TOO active such that at times I just feel like collapsing. Oh yes there are times when I cry to abang and tell him that sometimes I need time for myself. I admit sometimes I just miss going window shopping alone, I miss enjoying leisure time reading storybooks, I want to jump into my car and drive around alone, I want to bake and sew without being disturbed... Being a fulltime housewife is actually a career which is busier than an office job. You don't get a break at 10 and at 1, you don't start at 8 and end at 5 etc, you don't get free weekends to unwind, but it is a responsibility that goes round the clock. And for that I respect a housewife with many kids huu! Don't get me wrong. Faheem is not a burden but I am adapting to the life of a mother. A good one. Kalau setakat bagi tidur, bagi makan, anybody can do that. But, with increasing age, comes increasing needs, which means, increasing responsibility for us!

Alhamdulillah abang has always been there for us (faheem and me) :). Allah presents me with a husband who doesn't mind changing faheem's nappy, preparing his milk, waking up in the middle of the night to take care of faheem and give me chance to sleep, adush tak tersenaraikan rasanya bantuan abang huuu. Berdosakah macam buli suami pulak??? Huuu, thank you abang... really I can't imagine how can I cope wthout him....

Back to Faheem's hyperactivity, I am kind of hoping that once he can read, I would be able to quieten him a bit by giving him storybooks which he can let himself engrossed with, reading :p Another thing, I have always dreamt of owning a house (one day in the far future hehe) with a big library. I have always loved books! so I started buying Faheem's books since he was still in the womb! Huu, adakah ibu yang sebegini excited? I remember once I was dealing with a sister who lives in UK, to buy few sets of used storybooks in UK. she asked, "Anak dah umur berapa?" I answered, "Anak saya 5 bulan dalam perut lagi" Hahaha. tergelak kakak tu dengar.

Here goes...

1. The first set that I bought. Winnie the pooh. but I don't really like the language because they like to use american shortforms.. These are used books which look like new!

2. second set. Grolier books, also used but look like new. Bought in UK. Bought this when i was 5 months pregnant with faheem huu.

3. Quran stories for kids (pic on top) & little hearts. Beli kat maribaca.blogspot.com. Thank you kak chik yang bagi banyak discount! :)

4. Flashcards peter and jane, baby khalifah. Yg baby khalifah tu beli satu set, mommy teruja sebab dalam bag (1 set dalam bag) ada book of adab, book of solat etc. ada CD sekali. Yg keywords tu bonda dan pipi yg hadiahkan, a souvenir from UK when they went there earlier this year.

Finally these are faheem's board books. 3 books in a set. Ooops the blue moon book was a present from bonda as well :)

The issue is can faheem read all these? Haha of course not. He eats them all! But I take great care not to let him ruin the books because abang spent a big amount of money to buy those (mahal bagi kami yang tak bergaji lagi ni :)).

so what I do now, I made my own sets of flashcards (I'll put up the pics laters), english and arabic alphabets . Everyday I will keep repeating flashing the cards to him. Most of the times he will laugh and laugh as if the whole business is dead funny huu. I also play educational videos which I downloaded from youtube which include abc, numbers and alif ba ta song, simple surah from the quran, animals etc. Sometimes I allow him to watch cartoons such as chuggington and roary the racing car. His favourite is 10 little numbers :p which induces him to start dancing. Truth is I don't know whether he learns anything from these activities, but important thing is i have tried. People say kids do learn in their own way, so let it be..

Teaching a kid is not simple. It requires an infinite patience.. No doubt I have to extend my thanks to abang. Really this thing requires cooperation from both mummy and daddy. Abang yang sabar memenuhi keperluan2. I said I needed colour papers, abang belikan. I needed manila cards, abang juga yang g belikan. Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal :)

1. urusan daftar kerja dah selesai, tunggu nak g interview spa je insyaAllah

2. asma nak kawen dah ahad ni.... busy la dgn kenduri. Yg sebenarnya I am busy preparing my own dress sebab kan abang and me nak kawen lagi hujung minggu ni hehe.

3. i want to write on our experience introducing faheem to waterfalls :D

4 weeks?

2011-09-21T13:16:00.002+08:00

Been busy completing my job application form, and will insyaAllah finish everything by friday :) I haven't changed my mind which means I do not intend to start working earlier than next June. I am still tolerating pigmented sputum despite the finished antibiotic which signals another clinic visit is due. And 4 weeks left before we have to depart to Jordan again??? Man , that fast T_T...

Have I ever mentioned that Ameer Faheem has 2 new teeth since a month ago?? Yup, he bites people (read: mommy) nowadays. Probably I need to make a tag for him which says, "Beware of this boy. He bites!"

Abang works hard these days [ahaksss]. He comes back late everyday, and oh I miss him every single day T_T. Kan best kalau abang dapat evening off setiap hari ^_^, g hospital separuh hari je heh. Too true, I am a rambling jobless wife who can't possibly wait patiently for the husband to return home everyday huhuuuu, while letting the little boy do whatever that he wants.. He likes to play with pots and pans! Mummy tgh tidur pun dia g dapur sorang2 untuk bermain dengan periuk belanga nenek aduh. He is seriously busy! Have u ever heard of the saying that goes . "Kids are the busiest people in the world" Even a prime minister can't beat them you know...

2011-09-16T07:26:00.002+08:00

Abang has started doing his elective a week ago. Faheem and me? We are down with fever, cough, stuffy nose, flu and sore throat. Faheem's first URTI (upper respiratory tract infection) ever. Sewing project doesn't go well for sure with the rising temperature.

I have to reluctantly admit, I am jealous of abang. I'm screaming inside to follow him to the hospital huuu, which makes me think for the umpteenth time to start my housemanship asap, but I know when he depart for Jordan, I'll scream out loud to get on the plane with him huhu. Now i'm trying to figure out what do I miss actually? Being shouted at by the seniors or the tiring life which is capable of turning one into zombie anytime. Huuu I am insane.

Faheem turns 8 in a week time insyaAllah. Now I haven't elaborated him for quite some time. He started cruising a month ago, and he could crawl since only a week ago. He can sit on his own. He enjoys eating almost anything including cendol, milo ais etc. He sure smiles a lot. Sekarang comot banyak hingus. He loves nenek's kitchen. and... he disturbs almost anything which at times makes mommy mad huuu.

Semua org (abang's family) ckp faheem super duper active just like daddy when he was small aiyaaa. Seriously mommy boleh pengsan jaga faheem alone huu. Alhamdulillah abang has been playing his superman role to control the condition and mommy-cooler to prevent mommy from exploding huhuuu.

Faheem at times can be so cunning, and at times can be rebellious. He loves attention and does so many things to get it. 1 thing I do know, his emotion is developing well alhamdulillah :) Dia suka menangis suara halus which is almost inaudible and sit alone as if he is sulking. oh maybe he is haha. He still sleeps alone and I do miss him which prompts me to make occasional visits to his cot throughout the night just to stare at the cute and serene face. Faheem.... faheem... :)

I think most of my friends who were pregnant or delivered around my first pregnancy are currently pregnant again or waiting to deliver for the second time... which makes me think of having a second baby. Ok I admit I want a girl. But If I do get pregnant and blessed with a boy who is just as active as faheem, mungkin akan pengsan kepenatan haha.

Raya activity

2011-09-10T09:35:00.002+08:00

Alhamdulillah we have safely arrived from kedah last night, after 2 weeks of breathing alosstaq air, berakhirnya kembara raya 2000km. fuhh. i said to abang, since we came back from jordan, we have been living in the car! it's super duper tiring, but alhamdulillah, fulfilling :) arriving in kl doesn't mean everything comes to an end though, because it's time to attend weddings...

when we came back from jordan, the first thing i requested to abang was to go to jalan TAR. sebabnya i read this 1 blog, owned by kak moon. according to kak moon when we go to Sarah hughes store (used to be globe silk store), and buy clothes for curtain. just mention "I'm a follower of Moon", we will automatically be eligible to get a 50% discount on top of the sale price. sounds weird, yess haha. so the last few days in jordan, i chatted with kak moon, clarifying few things. pelik jugak nak g kedai kain tetibe nak bagi password "Saya follow blog moon" hahaha. tak pasal2 penjual ckp aku ni merapu pulak huuu.

coincidentally abang had to finish some business in bangunan Mara, so we left faheem at home and went there by train. driving was a big NO as it was the last few days before raya, and if we did drive, we would only finish our precious time enjoying traffic jams haha. i didn't tell abang about the sarah hughes store yet, but i offered him a minimal info about buying clothes to make curtain for faheem's and our bedroom in jordan.

masuk keluar kamdar, nagoya, sarah hughes store, and banyak lagi kedai kain, finally we decided to buy a blue stripe for faheem, and yes in sarah hughes store hehe. the price was very much reduced, from RM66 per meter to RM43 per meter (Raya sale), but when I mention "I follow blog moon" [of course after fighting with the inner conflicts, and abang pun pandang pelik kat aku huuu], i bought it at RM21.50 per meter. to me it is still on the expensve side, tapi takpelah sebab nampak kain quality, hopefully tahan lama la sampai faheem umur 10 tahun ok :p

few days after that, we went to Nilai, still with the aim to find curtain clothes, for our room, and to mix-and-match faheem's blue stripe. dapatla beli utk faheem, blue polka dot. yang ni kain murah RM6.80 per meter and kain tebal! but i still didn't find any curtain which suit my taste for our room.

finally when we went back to kedah, abang bought me to many clothes store, and after 2 days of searching i settled for few clothes sold by Kamdar. It was a mix and match of white, pink and english rose. (aku ngan abang dah decide nak kawen lagi oktober ni bersempena wedding asma' hahaha, so perlulah membeli kain putih utk hias bilik pengantin kami!! bilik kat jordan la haha :p)

so what i did in kedah (mak tolong sekali sebab mak sibuk nak siapkan tempahan raya aku plak sibuk nk pinjam sewing machine mak. so mak jahit kat machine, aku tolong jahit baju2 tempahan guna tangan seperti jahit kancing, silang pangkah dsb. kalau mak g kerja, aku cepat2 jahit banyak2 hehe)

1. Faheem's curtain

2. Faheem's hanging bedhead

3. Faheem's bedspread

4. Faheem's comforter

5. Our curtain

And yep I have 6 more weeks in Malaysia (while abang does his elective), and I plan to sew and sew and sew! Kali ni pinjam sewing machine kakak pulak haha. Terpaksa la setiap pagi aku berjalan g umah kakak T_T

Will upload some piccies later :)

My study experience (3)

2011-08-21T07:29:00.003+08:00

Alamak semakin malas plak nak tulis pasal ni, initially plan nak tulis pasal Ameer Faheem's books and education huuu

I guess I should continue on how to study waktu bersalin (which is not useful to anyone I guess haha), and how to study with a baby. Ok, not much on the first part.

Selepas episod yang teruk of nausea and vomiting uring my first posting which was internal medicine, a motivating period during O&G, an extremely tiring period of paeds (I started having nausea & vomiting again in the third trimester, and worst the baby bump was heavy, caused difficulty in breathing, his limbs were sharp poking my abdomen as I had oligohydramnios, I had to do CTG and Doppler US weekly for certain reason bla...bla...bla... ) I can't remember how did I study at that time huuu, but my guess would be, I didn't study much T_T

Next came Surgery. I attended the first fruitless week (the first week is always fruitless haha), then I was admitted in the second week due to premature contraction (Ameer Faheem was 35 weeks old), warded for a week, and at 36th week, I was induced due to Ameer Faheem had IUGR (Intrauterine Growth Restriction) and took maternity leave for 2 weeks. In total I had 3 weeks of holiday hurrah! When I came back, it was in the 5th week!!! Memang terasa bila kawan2 dah pro ttg surgery, and I was crawling to understand simple things huh and to fill up my logbook T_T. Abang had gone back to Jordan, Ummi came with me to Kuantan to take care of Ameer Faheem until my Surgery exam (for 3 weeks). Some lecturers were reluctant to let me sit for the exam as I had more than 20% absence but I was determined to go for it haha. Of course I didn't score well :( but I passed alhamdulillah and I promised myself to do better in the final posting which was psy.

Waktu ni memang mencabar. I left my house at around 7.30am because I breastfed Ameer Faheem before going to the hospital, I came back during lunch time and go out again to attend the afternoon class. Ameer Faheem asyik kencing and berak je sampai bocor pampers huhu, and I don't really sleep throughout the nights sebab dia asyik nak menyusu je. I took that opportunity to read my notes but I was so tired that many times I just didn't know what I was reading. I started giving him formula milk because I was too tired to stay up (many times Ummi would wake up and prepare his milk). Ummi is really a gift from heaven! But I still managed to finish my surgery notes! Tak tahulah macamana sempat buat huhuu. I think making notes to me is as natural as having my meal huuu. You'll find time for it no matter how busy you are!

I drove with Ameer Faheem (only the two of us hehe) to Kuantan to start my Psychiatry posing. This time I knew I had no time to waste. I guess I was truly blessed by Allah to be grouped with Dr Iman in this posting, such a great motivator and a great friend. We always took Psy for granted haha. Every morning, I went out at 6.45am. Ameer Faheem tak mandi ok. I sent him to the hospital nursery, and at 7am, I met either Iman or my best buddy, Zanaridah in the ward. We practice doing shortcases everyday, going to different wards depending on available cases and depending on what I have revised the previous day. Kawan2 kata ada finding best kat Paeds, maka ke ward Paeds la kami pergi. Begitu juga wad lain. I even joined the Internal Medicine ward rounds in the morning! I think starting with IM in the 5th year is an advantage. Because you will get Psy last and you have much time to revise the other postings. At around 9.30am, we walk to the end of the hospital where Psy ward is located (if there is any class at all, otherwise I'll stay in the main building the whole day). Every afternoon we have Psy seminar. After the seminar, usually at round 4am, I will go to Psy ward and find a case (to present the next day) and at around 6pm, I fetched Ameer Faheem from the nursery (which was located just beside Psy ward) and went home. 6-7pm was our rest time. I gave Ameer Faheem his milk, and then both of us will sleep. At 7 I woke up, refreshed myself for maghrib prayer and watched the melayu drama haha. 8pm was the time to start studying again, and making notes (AGAIN???) I studied till around 10 or 11, entertaining Ameer Faheem and changing his diapers in between and putting him to sleep, at 11 I retired to my bed. I woke up again at around 2 to 3 am, to study while chatting with abang.

So you see, I didn't make a timetable which I had to follow, but my life itself was such a routine. And I disciplined myself to follow that routine. Well actually I didn't force myself to follow that routine, but I disciplined myself to achieve my daily aim which indirectly made me follow that routine. I put my study as number one, but in between I fulfilled Ameer Faheem's needs. If you put it the other way round, then the outcome will totally be different! I type while Ameer Faheem was on my lap, I read while breatsfeeding him, I fell asleep when he was sleeping hahaha jeles kot tgk dia best je asek tidur!

As for shortcases, practise practise and practise. I started practising for my shortcase during the last posting, sempat je insyaAllah :D It is never too late I guess haha, but be consistent. There aren't too many systems kan? CVS, respi, abdomen, neuro, ortho (ni memang tak practise sgt pun huuu. my own mistake), O&G, and I recommend for shortcase, bacalah buku NK Chew tu sampai habis, really helpful! Nak khatam ulang2 kali lagi bagus! Do shortcases best in pair, time it (5 minutes), repeat, repeat and repeat. Don't waste time lingering in the ward. Mungkin disebabkan saya ni muka tak malu, I usually go to the ward, IM for example, walk to the last cubicle (respi cubicle), minta izin terus utk examine with a short intro. Tak payahlah nak segan2, jalan kehulu ke hilir without doing nothing, buang masa je. Lepas examine, directly present to your friend, and then straightaway find the bed ticket to know the diagnosis, finding, look at the X ray etc. If anybody inform you that there are patients with good finding, straightaway go to the ward to examine them. Kalau tangguh2 alamatnya patient will be discharged or dia dah malas kena examine setelah ramai sgt org examine haha. Lepas examine, present present and present. Discuss discuss and discuss. While discussing we usually refer to little book of causes (for differentials), oxford handbook for investigation etc and malaysian book for management eg Sarawak handbook, Paeds protocol etc.

Put a target that at least everyday you examine eg 3 patients (examined by you and not you observing your friend!). Many times I like to do long cases straightaway. For example, we go to a patent, then I will tell my friend, "I give you 5 minutes to get a chief complain and get a general idea of what the patient has. Then examine any appropriate system". If you are used to getting chief complaint and know how to exclude each differential for each chief complain, than in long case, takdelah melalut2 tanya patient benda merepek2 :) Go straight to the point.

1 more thing, practise to do a general inspection/ examination of a patient. Zanaridah and me in our third year used to tour the ward, go to each patient and taking turns to just present the general inspection. General inspection really helps you to make certain diagnosis. For example if you see a middle age patient with barrel chest and tracheal tug, you would like to SUSPECT COAD. A young adult, thin, and with certain facies usually has HIV and come with infective endocarditis. Contoh je lah. Most of the time you can 'suspect'. Probably most of us has known that for general inspection we should know what to look for. As for me, I have this 5-sentences template hehe.

1. This is an [elderly/young], [lady, gentleman, boy, girl, baby] who is [lying, sitting in certain position? etc]

2. He is [pink, pale, jaundiced, cyanosed, sallow looking], appears [comfortable, in pain, resp distress?]

3. Nutritional status [obese, cachexic], hydrational staus (controversial, some lecturers dislike), hygiene [unkempt, clean]

4. Syndromic facies, visible deformity (eg arachnodactyly in Marfan, amputation)

5. Attachments [oxygen, TPN, CBD, chest tube or ape2lah]

well I'm going to stop here, will continue later :p

Ameer Faheem at 7 months

2011-08-17T14:33:00.003+08:00

Not in the mood to blog. In the mood to go back. Just can't believe that tomorrow is thursday! Ahhh 3 months away from home are enough to make me miss it like mad. Busy doing some house cleaning, oh well we are going back for 2 joyful months insyaAllah. goodbye Jordan and all its contents hehe.

Ameer Faheem turns 7 the day after next, oh how our Faheem has grown much! He is super active, making mommy super duper tired. I'm transforming into a mommy-tarzan I guess which makes Ameer Faheem a tarzan and abang a daddy-tarzan! His head is always full of ideas, naughty ones too!!! I can't leave him for few seconds without him doing something. And currently he keeps trying to stand without support! haisyy anakku berdiri pun senget benget goyang2 lagi dah sebok nak lepas tangan, sabar je lah. First he will stand up by holding on to a table, bag or any available things. Once he has stood, he will put up his hand (as if in a surrender condition) and flashes me a cheeky smile. Lepas tu jatuh tergolek. Adoi. Well that reminds me of my cute piyah. Dah lama pandai berdiri, dah stabil sgt pun tp still hati2 tak berani lepas tangan. Careful and extra careful. Oh I forgot, a girl is definitely different from a boy :D

There was another day when we bought nasi for iftar. Abang put them on the table and then went into the kitchen. Suddenly I heard the sound of rustling plastics, (as usual) rushed to the lounge and said "Faheem!!", ahh there he was, standing besides the table, holding on to the plastic, busy trying to reach for the content while wearing an innocent face that says, "Ah, what have you got for me today?" Dush. Rasa nak cubit je budak comel ni

Faheem is a big boy and I can't wait to go back home (where almost all his belongings are kept) and start his education. I brought few of his books to jordan, and I'm tired of repeating the same story to him again and again- jungle book, toy story, and lion king :( Well one day I'm going to write on his education plan, but as abang has told me time and again, Faheem is our guinea pig huhu, we didin't have any experience educating a child before. But of course not an experiment without an extensive research prior insyaAllah :)

My friends has started working. i didn't knew that it would hit me this hard, but at times I feel like crying when I read their placement hospitals in the facebook. I am kind of sad but being far away from abang AGAIN is just unimaginable. It feels like you are missing the train.... huuu. And at times I just don't feel like playing with Ameer Faheem during the mood swings. I guess I need time to adjust. Thanks abang for handling the emotion roller coaster :D

Balik cuti memang banyak plan

1. G jalan TAR dgn abang, nak beli kain

2. Nak jahit curtain, baju raya abang, faheem and me

3. Nak belajar dengan mak cara jahit kemeja and of course make a pair for abang and faheem

4. Nak selesaikan segala bayaran online shopping and happily wait for the goods to arrive hehe

5. COD booster seat Ameer Faheem

5. Apply for part time job???

6. Convocation

7. Asma's and Amin's wedding

8. Attend weddingssssss :D

9. Ziarah newborn baby

10. Continue Ameer faheem's & mommy's checkup in KD Kg Subang

11. Endless......

My study experience (2)

2011-08-02T10:00:00.003+08:00

I had waited for almost a year before I finally stopped planning for pregnancy. Married without a baby is not that fun I guess. Well then if you still remember I had quite a severe homesickness, thus this pathological mind of mine decided that if I can't have my family in Kuantan, why don't I start my own family haha. Absurd~ But is the timing correct? I was about to enter final year, man, with the terrifying final professional exam coming and the husband living very far away. Believe me, insyaAllah with Allah's help and guidance, final pro is not that terrifying :)

I wanted to prove that a pregnant lady can do just as much (if not more) as other people. in O&G, after the morning sickness has reduced much3 in intensity, I worked really hard. I handled more than 5 deliveries (the requirement was 5 only), I attended more than 10 oncalls, I stayed in the hospital for 2 days straight doing back to back calls just like what I did in 3rd year (when I was not even married!), I seriously filled up my logbook by performing many HVS (haha gile ke ape ni?). If I could do it, then why can't anybody else? I was pregnant, my husband was not around, and I was practically on my own.

Well I don't want to deny that I received many negative comments. People (nurses, MOs etc) asked me, "Kenapa nak pregnant sekarang? Kenapa tak tunggu lepas grad", "Kesian awak ni, dahla tengah belajar, kalau bersalin takde cuti" and MANY MORE, but I just smiled. But of course, silently I answered, "This is my life and I decide". Truthfully I was the one yang nak sangat3 nak baby haha, abang cukup risau because he said he wouldn't be around to take care of us. Simultaneously I also received positive comments. There was one time, a visiting lecturer (a specialist from another hospital), came to give us few lectures. We had a ward round with him. After the round had finished, I hung out with a friend in the ward, discussing something I guess. Suddenly he (the specialist) came to us and excitedly asked "Bila due? sebelum exam ke selepas exam" I was of course surprised. I said "4 months before our final pro" and he continued "Wife saya dulu pun macamni! Lepastu dia tangguh HO sebab nak jaga baby" His wife is now a head department somewhere. I just smiled :)

I have to admit, pregnancy is tiring (at least to me). I slept earlier than usual, I couldn't do anything much in the hospital, many times I had to sit during bedside teachings but what's wrong with that? Because i preferred to sit much, I took this chance to strengthen my theory, finish making notes, and I carried my notes everywhere, so that I can read it whenever I have the chance. As had been said earlier, I like to comparmentalize. Thus I divided the 6 weeks for Obs and gynae. 3 for Obs and 3 for Gynae. The final 1 week was for revision. Obs for example, i allocated about 1 week to study about antenatal care which was further comparmentalized into trimesters (which includes hyperem, PPROM, PROM, APH, untried scar etc). Then about 1 week for medical diseases in pregnancy, and finally 1 week on labour & postpartum- the normal process and pathology. Well i guess that's the bulk of Obs :)

Important thing is, always list down all the topics in a posting, then once you have an overview of what you have to learn, zoom into each topic, study in depth. insyaAllah you won't get lost.

I don't have specific time to study, but i do have a list of topics which i have to cover each day. Utamakan study, and urusan lain will fit in. For example if I have 5 topics to read today, during lunch time I finish a topic, sementara tunggu lecturer datang seminar, habis lagi 1 topic, usually takde kelas in the evening you can finish 2 or 3 topics and by the time you get home, you have only 1 or 2 topics left to be read. So pandai2 la budget, sempat la nak tengok drama sekejap ke (we -Hazwani and me- watched the 7-8pm drama melayu everyday hehe).

I admit, there are times when you just feel too lazy to sit down and read. I study anywhere. tak payah properly sit kat study table pun boleh study. kalau dah sehabis malas, I switch off the bedroom light, lie on my bed, open my laptop and read seminar slides sampai la tertidur. ni serious slalu buat macamni hehe.

To be continued...

My study experience (1)

2011-08-01T15:49:00.002+08:00

Hampir terlupa menunaikan hajat seorang ibu-cum-student, Nurul :D, yang minta nasihat tentang cara study. Em Nurul macam tersalah orang je untuk minta nasihat huhuuu.. takde apa yang istimewa untuk dikongsi, pencapaian dulu pun biasa2 sahaja.. tapi Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal..

Mencoret kisah kehidupan ketika study dulu, I had a longstanding history of studying in a day school. I went to SMK Subang (I cycled to school), in the meantime went to boarding schools twice, first in Form 2 (for 2 weeks) and second in Form 4 to KUSESSS (SBP Kuala Selangor) for 4 months. Memang kes tak tahan duduk asrama. Homesick. Took both my PMR and SPM in SMK Subang. Sekolah yang mempunyai reputasi buruk sebagai sekolah tempat pelajar dibuang, anak angkat polis dsb. Well, I am proud of the school, I love the teachers, dan yang pasti disitu aku mula mengenal erti kehidupan.

Then I went to MCIIUM (yang skrg dipanggil CENFOS), reading pre-medicine. Masih boleh tahan. Because I could go back every week, it was quite near to our house, and many a times I went back home during weekdays huhu. Still homesick.

After 2 years, I graduated from MCIIUM, and went to Kuantan. That was when my major problem started huhu. Kuantan campus was 4 hours drive from our house, and my homesickness was very severe such that I thought of quitting medicine haha. I went back home fortnightly, and sometimes weekly huu. Those days were my dark days. I cried every single day, I started to abandon my study, I took exams for granted, but Alhamdulillah Allah helped me along the way, and He showed me what was best for me.

Because I was so fed up (haha), in my first year of MBBS, I decided to get married, so that I won't feel too lonely. Tapi entah macamana takdir Allah, I got engaged to a man who was studying thousand of kilometres away from home! In Jordan huu. Lagilah susah nak dapat permission nak kahwin huhu. But I kept praying and praying and praying to Allah to show me what was best for me. Seriously waktu tu rasa sangat serabut. In the meantime I started to make my own 1-page, computer-printed medical notes, to make myself busy. I planned to stay at home throughout the revision weeks at the end of each posting, but of course I couldn't bring home the bulky and heavy lecture notes!. With time, I became so obsessed with this compact notes hehe. I found it easy to read, and in the same time, my colleagues started asking for the soft copy. Really I enjoyed sharing them! I incorporated the notes given by lecturers and also used few textbooks. Initially I took 1 whole day to finish making a note, but after years, i took 5 minutes to finish making a note alhamdulillah. It was stressful initially when your friend has finished reading many lectures and you are stuck with 1! And definitely hunching in front of the computer for hours caused severe back pain. But I tried hard to be patient. Practices make perfect! By the time I finished my 2 years, I have 3 big A4-sized own notes which my friends call 'Maryam's Book of Spells' haha because I designed the cover just like a spell book. I was influenced by the Charmed series actually :p So I throw away all the lecture notes (given by lecturers). And the 3 books are

1. Book of anatomy (including embryology and histology) and physiology

2. Book of pathology and pharmacology

3. Book of miscellaneous (microbiology, immunology etc)

As for the book 1 and book 2, i arranged the content according to systems. I can still remember:

1. CVS

2. RS

3. GIT

4. HBS

5. UGS

6. Endocrine

7. MSS

8. Neurological system

During the revision week before my first pro, I brought home the 3 books, studied in the leisure of my own home and came back to Kuantan 2 days before the exam. Alhamdulillah I passed.

Then i started my third year. My first clinical year. During this year we were required to acquire the skills to make a diagnosis. 4 rotations- Paediatrics, Surgery, Internal Medicine and O&G. I didn't lose time to start making new notes. At the start of each posting, I will list down all the lecture topics, seminar topics etc. Then I will study according to systems. I am the type of person who likes to compartmentalize everything haha. For example, we had 10 weeks for each posting. So I allocated the first 8 weeks for serious studying and making notes. For paediatric, I have 8 major systems to be covered, so a week for each system. The first week is for CVS for example. I glanced back at the embryology, anat and physio of CVS (in my preclinical spellbook), then I list down the Paediatric CVS topics which I needed to cover in thet 1 week (plus making notes). Few tips which I can give are:

1. Don't procrastinate. If according to your study schedule, you have to finish Congenital Heart disease, Heart Failure etc by TODAY, then do not go to sleep at night without finishing what you have planned earlier. If you procrastinate today, you will procrastinate tomorrow and the day after tomorrow and at the end before the exam, you will feel that there is just too much to be covered!

2. Don't spend too much on a topic. For example, I have seen someone who wants to study about cholelithiasis, and that person opened Snell (Anatomy book), opened Netter (another anatomy book!), trying to compare things. You want to study cholelithiasis and not anatomy, so stay focused. Yes anatomy is important but now is not the time to compare the anatomy stated in different books! So that person ended up spending the whole night on cholelithiasis alone! Macamana nak habis study huhuu.

3. Read fast. The first time you read a topic you may want to spend a little more time, say 15 minutes if it is a short topic (obviously 15 minutes are not enough for Congenital Heart Disease). But the second time you read it, no more than 5 minutes should be spent on it! Memorize the important points, the differentiating features etc. For example if a child comes with shortness of breath, what are the differentials? And how can you differentiate each differentials etc.

4. Discuss with friends. Discuss doesn't mean you need to have a study group. I don't have a study group. I study alone. But I have a study partner with whom I discussed usually few days before exams, after both of us have a basic idea of the whole posting, and we try to highlight important points. I don't prefer the idea of attending a study group when I still can't imagine the structure of a topic. In short, I don't like to come empty. I will only drift to something else while somebody is teaching huhuu. But different people have different preference so know your preference :)

At the end of my third year MBBS, I finally got married haha. Alhamdulillah. Married but stayed apart was to me far far far more tolerable than staying single. Life became much happier for me. Allah gave me a bestfriend with whom I could share every single thing in life. Alhamdulillah and alhamdulillah. My homesickness has reduced in intensity.

In 4th year, I moved out of the hostel, to a pink house which i shared with Mimi. That was really fun! To have your own home, where I could bake and cook, which I could decorate and kept clean hehe. Moving out of the hostel was a BIG relief. I had many things to do to lessen the pressure. Medicine itself was not a burden, but the life was! Far from home, stuck in such a small hostel cubicle, nothing much to do other than studying haihh. That was when i started baking cakes and sell them! (Adoi sempat lagi jual cake huhu. That was for fun :D)

Orang kata 4th year ni honeymoon year. But of course not to me. I don't study as hard (or as stressful) as everybody else, when most people are stressfully studying, and yet I don't honeymoon like everybody else, when many people are honeymooning I guess hehe. The word is 'consistent'. I used 4th year to the most. During my family medicine posting, I used it to update my 3rd year notes, mostly IM. In FM, you will learn chronic diseases (esp HPT, DM, Asthma etc) in details, including the management. During this posting I finished reading the CPGs (which is extremely important), took out the important points and made notes out of them (so that I don't have to read the CPG again in final year). In FM, you will also learn a bit of Paeds, O&G, surgery, so I made notes and compiled them with my 3rd year notes. In public health, I took the chance to revise my biostatistics (in preclinical year) so that I don't have to study them again for my final pro. We also had specialize postings- which are important. But I (as usual) incorporated the topic into my 3rd year postings for example

1. Anaesthesiology was incorporated into my Surgery notes

2. Dermatology was incorporated into IM

3. Radiology was divided into all 4 major postings

4. ENT stood by itself

5. Ophthalmology also stood by itself

Entering 5th year, the first posting was such a horror. it was IM. I had hyperem. Of course I didn't attend ward, didn't cover my patients, didn't fill up my logbooks except for few to get a Pass haha. I attended bedside teaching for an hour few times per week only to make sure my attendance is not affected. I didn't study at home, luckily abang was in Malaysia at that time, and he helped me a lot. Hantar g hospital utk attend kelas 10am, tunggu depan hospital at 11am to fetch me home hehe.

Masuk je 2nd posting which was O&G, I started to sprint. Habiskan notes IM and in the same time siapkan notes O&G. Sebabnya utk 5th year, we have to know how to manage and treat the patient in detail. So I update my 3rd year notes, repair here and there and hey my notes were ready to be printed and bound! I made them halve A4 size. still my spellbooks, but smaller version :D

Adush panjang sangat ni... I'll continue later with

1. Mcmna study waktu pregnancy?

2. Mcmna study waktu bersalin?

3. Mcmna study dengan Ameer Faheem?

4. Bila masa nak buat semua notes ni?

5. Mcmna nak tackle pro?

Ramadhan kali ini..

2011-08-01T15:02:00.002+08:00

Alhamdulillah, berpeluang lagi untuk memanjakan diri dalam bulan ramadhan. Cepatnya masa berlalu, kali ini dah ramadhan ketiga aku bersama abang. Dan ramadhan kedua bersama ameer faheem (ramadhan pertama waktu ameer faheem 5 bulan dalam rahim hehe). Hati memang terlalu berharap agar ramadhan kali ini menjadi ramadhan yang paling bermakna antara tiga ramadhan yang pernah kami harungi bersama.. aura kehadiran ramadhan kali ini pun dirasakan hadir dengan kemegahan yang tersendiri, ketawadhukan yang berbeza, kesayuan yang menggigit jiwa dan yang pasti semangat yang membara! Semangat untuk mencari kembali 'ruhul jadid' berbekalkan iman2 lapuk yang masih tersisa...

Ramadhan itu tak pernah berubah! Sentiasa ramadhan yang sama. Ramadhan yang serupa. Sesungguhnya iman kita jugalah yang menjadikan ramadhan itu dipandang dengan persepsi berbeza.. dan dimanfaatkan dengan cara yang berbeza.

Mengimbau ramadhan lalu aku dan abang, Ramadhan pertama hadir ketika aku dan abang masih baru bergelar suami isteri, dan baru sahaja bertemu setelah perpisahan yang lama. Pastinya bila bertemu, terlalu banyak perkara ingin dilakuan bersama, terlalu banyak cerita yang ingin dikongsi, terlalu letih meraikan kedua2 belah keluarga, dan yang pasti kami travel merata-rata tempat sehingga acapkali abang memberitahuku 'sebahagian besar usia abang habis dalam kereta!" Hehe. Barangkali urusan yang banyak itu mencuri waktu untuk beribadah, cerita yang panjang itu mengurangkan waktu untuk membaca al-Quran, keletihan bersosial tidak memungkinkan kami untuk bertahajjud dan masa yang dihabiskan di jalanan membuatkan kami sering terlepas untuk berjamaah tarawih di masjid..

Ramadhan kedua kami bersama.. Abang berpuasa Alhamdulillah sebulan penuh di Malaysia. tapi aku? Masih dalam fatrah mabuk mengandung, masih harus bersabar menahan loya, masih teruk muntah2, dan yang pasti memang tidak mampu untuk berpuasa. Memang, aku tidak berpuasa sebulan penuh! Kasihan abang, bersahur sendiri, berbuka juga sendiri dan bertarawih juga sendiri. Malah ketika berpuasa terpaksa pula masak dan sediakan makanan untuk isteri yang memang lembik dan emosional hehe.

Ramadhan kali ini? Kali ini di Jordan. Waktu berpuasa lebih panjang dari Malaysia. Berpuasa ketika summer, memang menguji. Sahur 3.30am, berbuka 8pm. Tapi alhamdulillah aku memang dah marathon ganti puasa sebelum ni, yang baru sahaja selesai 2 hari sebelum 1 Ramadhan (hehe), maka keletihan 1 Ramadhan tidak begitu terasa. Ameer Faheem sudah besar, maka kami bawa dia ke masjid untuk bertarawih. Masjid Jaamia'h Yarmouk. Tentulah dia seronok, ramai kawan di sana :p, walaupun dia menangis juga dihujung2 solat kerana terlalu mengantuk. Tapi Ameer Faheem memang mudah tidur, mummy bagi bantal dan botol susu, dia tidur tergolek atas carpet masjid, ditengah2 kehingaran orang bersolat, di antara kesibukan ratusan manusia mengabdikan diri kepada Allah.. Moga Ameer Faheem menjadi pemuda yang mencintai masjid. Ameen.

A continuation of the previous post haha

2011-07-23T18:28:00.004+08:00

Ameer Faheem selalu kepanasan and suka tidur bawah kipas. Bila dah letak atas tilam, dia golek2 sendiri untuk baring betul2 bawah kipas

Ameer Faheem yang tak suka panas. Putera lilin betul!

Well here I continue..

Kakak moved to a new house yesterday (the house besides the house next door!), haha biarkan dia pulak penat :p. I can't wait to go back home (Malaysia). Plus I can't wait to manipulate her sewing machine [evil laugh] which was previously in Sepang and too far away from Ummi's house. I have too many sewing projects being planned huuu.

Today I bake oatmeal cookies!

lately I think I have a whining overdose but not to the extent of producing toxicity I'm sure. Things like, "abang, I have cracked heels because of the cold floor (before we put the carpet)", "abang, jari2 ayang melecet sebab gunting carpet", "abang, jangan balik lambat tau", "the list goes on and on. as usual he gives his lazy replies such as, "Suami ayang tak kisah pun, takpe" or "Mak tak pernah pun complain pasal kulit rosak. Tak penting pun" Dushh I really don't know whether I'm lucky or not huuu. In turn, abang has such a severe medical student syndrome I think haha. There was 1 day when he came home, telling me he was worried as to whether he had cancer or not! Colon cancer to be specific!!!?? Aku pun buat gaya malas layan. But I still asked him what made he think that way, and he gave me a list of reasons, and suddenly at the end of the explanation he said "Tadi waktu round (kat hospital), tgk colon cancer patient. Dr cakap kalau dulu orang tua2 je cancer, sekarang orang muda yg dpt cancer ni". Patutla. Ok, I still managed to make a poker face uhuuu. Then we went out, walking along syari' jamiah searching for a weighing scale (here there are few people who bring their weighing scales and we pay them when we want to weigh ourselves). 53kg. He made such a big fuss about that. (His usual weight is around 55kg). I told him that we did heavy work for the past 1 month, that's the best explanation. When we have settled down, he'll gain his weight back. 2 days later, he weighed himself again. 49kg. Again he told me that he's getting even more worried uhuuu. Then I said even a cancer patient won't lose 4kg in 2 days huuu, plus he looks perfectly normal to me. That night when I had dinner with him, he stopped early because he said he was already full. Sebab abang dah makan kuih kasturi dengan sangat banyak before that. I actually threatened him by saying "Esok abang timbang 45kg!" lepastu abang gelak menyembur, habis kena seluar and meja. Abang, abang.. macam2 huhuuu.

Ameer Faheem pulak, has started to smell when he sweats. He really reminds me of my bros when they came back from the field after football games (during their schooling years). Smelly and soaked in sweat yuckkks. That is how Ameer Faheem smells uhuuu. Dahlah bau peluh (he usually sweats after playing outside or after bouts of crying), pastu nangis2 nak peluk mummy jugak. Lepastu suka nangis sambil hisap jari, bila nampak mummy, terus keluarkan jari (yang penuh dengan air liur) dari mulut nak pegang muka mummy, pegang hidung mummy aiseh segala yang busuk2 ni mummy sabar je lah bau haha. Faheem ni memang pantang tengok orang makan, mesti dia nak. And he really doesn't mind eating anything, tak memilih langsung. An excellent trait that he inherits from abang :D Really abang is not choosy at all in many things.

Because of the difficulty in managing two boys in the house, finally I won the award when abang said "Ayang ni suka berleter la". Maka aku terasa seperti seorang perempuan bersanggul dan serabai memakai kain batik, yang berdiri di tangga di pintu rumah sambil menjerit2 kat anak-anak, sambil tangan memegang senduk untuk memukul anak yang degil. Haihhh. That is life as for now~

Alhamdulillah

2011-07-21T13:08:00.002+08:00

alhamdulillah we have moved to a new house 2 weeks ago. I have started cleaning the house 1 week prior to that but until now many things remain unsettled. Moving to anew house is seriously not a funny business, it is super duper tiring! But alhamdulillah again, it is a cosy one :), not big but more like a humble cottage (despite the fact that is is on the ground floor of a flat hsaha)Oh well, I intend to transform it into 1. Nice environment, Faheem gets his own bedroom, Faheem can safely play outside and now has a new friend named Sarah, the landlord's daughter. She's 2.5 years old but double faheem's size in terms of height and width hehe. They are living in the same building. (Going to post a video of them in fb) internet has just been installed 2 days ago and yup i was offline for almost 3 weeks!

So what I had been doing for the past 2 weeks? washing the floor was of course compulsory. I installed the carpet, helped abang with the drilling work to hang the curtains (we almost drilled the whole house!!), moving heavy furnitures around, endless laundering, making kitchen shelves and even painted our bed white! well you can guess, i am the one who wanted it to be white :p

In between i cook clumsily but since yesterday the mood to cook 7 bake has reported in :D yes, i bullied our oven and stove. As oppose to me, abang prefers kuih melayu to cakes, so i make both.sincerely I have just started learning to make kuih melayu huuu and yesterday i made kuih kasturi which i self rate as tasty hahaha. It is one of abang's favourite (abang has too many favourite btw). will put the piccies & recipe in my food blog later. tapi first batch hitam rentung sebab terlalu menggelabah kat dapur huuu.

Faheem turned 6 months 2 days ago alhamdulillah. He is 73cm, and a whooping 7.8kg. Faheem has started eating both chicken and fish, and potato :D. He crawls around the house (sampai ke dapur tgk mummy masak huuu), he can climb up a 10 inches mattress and climb down as well. He still can't crawl but has started to sit (tapi duduk tak betul lagi, macam gaya org arab duduk bermalas-malasan), he likes making friends (and actually interacted with sarah by coughing! taktik ape tah), suka merajuk, sleeps on his own for 12 hours straight durig the night. he loves to eat slippers and suck the big toe (including mummy's whenever mummy wasn't aware huuu). perut dia serious boyot. Faheem sucks his big thumb to sleep huhuuu (tiru ummi astem nih!), faheem suka duduk himpit2 kat mummy and daddy (well when he wakes up in between sleep, sempat lagi cari lengan daddy untuk letak kepala huhu), he likes to disturb us while we are having our meal aishh the list is endless! alhamdulillah for his good health..

Think I'll continue later..

It was NOT MY Graduation dinner..

2011-06-30T22:55:00.002+08:00

Le Royal Hotel, Amman

In the midst of our moving-out conflicts..

In the cage of abang's hectic final year student's life...

In the web of stress which sprouted from hardship in obtaining iqamah for Faheem and me (Jordan's IC. Phewww abang's pocket was emptied of nearly JD100 for the iqamah and yet nothing is certain for now... :( may we be patient.. Ok, I have more reason to backbite Jordan huuu)

...

Abang still had time to bring Faheem and me to the graduation dinner for Malaysian students who have just graduated from JUST!!! Yipppeeee. Alhamdulillah. Man, I was excited and happy! It was held in Le Royal Hotel, a luxurious 5-star hotel in the centre of Amman, and the fact that we paid NOT A CENT for the treat of the night was excellent T_T. Well the Malaysian embassy in Jordan is loaded I guess and they just don't know how else to spend their money haha.

I didn't make it to my own graduation dinner thus the over excitement I guess, although I was not the one being celebrated last night:p But actually Faheem was much much much happier than us hehe. First, in the bus (we went in 4 buses), he sat with his ammus (uncles), throughout the 1.5 hour journey (without a fuss), giving mummy and daddy a chance to date peacefully.

Dinner started at 8pm. When the programme started (of course we had to endure few talks, karaoke session and such before the actual feast), we put Faheem in his stroller. And of course he made his usual annoyed things (which he always does whenever he is annoyed such as being strapped in his stroller). First he started spraying his saliva. I said to him,"Faheem kat sini takde nyamuk. Ni hotel 5 star ni. Tak payah spray2" He looked up at us with a cheeky smile and started to toss and turn in his stroller, while making some sound. Fearing that he would start crying, abang took him out. By then the Duta was singing a song entitled highway. I really love that song since I was small. Next, guess what? Faheem started making this sound.. "Ummmmmmmmmmmmm." He is crazy with making these bouts of coughing since the past few days (I posted the video in my facebook). I couldn't help but to release a few laughs. He smiled broadly (mistakenly understood that I wanted to play with him) and started COUGHING. Seriously coughing like he has tuberculosis (batuk kering)!!! The coughs were loud and it echoed in the big hall (in between the Duta's voice). This time around many people started turning their heads towards us (seriously) and I laughed hard, really hard that I was surprised that I didn't fell off from the chair. To stop the whole local chaos from spreading wide, abang firmly took Faheem out of the hall huuu.

When the feast actually started, Faheem was passed from a group of students to another (especially his uncles-cum-abang's colleagues) I hardly put my eyes and hands on him throughout the dinner, a nice change indeed hehe. Faheem ? Well he enjoyed the attention to the most, and when finally abang carried him for the photography session at around 11pm, he fell asleep, in a standing position. Just like that. Faheem, faheem.... :)

Will upload his pics later :)

Marking the third week

2011-06-21T01:40:00.003+08:00

Went to Ashabul Kahfi for the 2nd time, Dead Sea for the 3rd time.. and I begged abang to not bring me on a Jordan tour anymore. Huu enough is enough. I get car sickness these days.

I've stayed here in Jordan for almost 3 weeks. Well, I'm still busy with the moving-out packing. Oh really I can't wait for this to be over! Kinda busy with some labelling work which I think is driving abang crazy huhuu..Because I'm using a rare font, which doesn't exist in the printing shop's computer (we don't have a printer btw), so abang suggested that I save my work in PDF form, later when he went to the shop, some of the setting were not right, he had to come back home, edit a bit, when he went again, something else had to be corrected, then went to the shop again to install the font in their computer.. I don't know how many times he went to and fro the shop and back home till the end of the day, the printing is still not done huuu poor abang.. (I'm labelling everything-- sugar, salt, tea, coffee, flour, spices etc...) Perhaps I'll put up some pics later

Faheem is unbelievably difficult for the past 1 week. Ummm we are trying to separate him from his pacifier, and he keeps throwing tantrum merely because he can't fall asleep without that blue thing uhuuu. We are trying our best to understand and to be patient.. Alhamdulillah the intensity of his tantrum has reduced significantly though at times I still feel like banging my head on the wall!

Abang will start his final year soon. By soon I mean in 5 days time. Oh yes, when abang's holiday has finished, it marks the end of my holiday as well. I have this weird idea that too long a hol is not good for one's health geee~ Managed to persuade abang to buy a study table for me, a source of motivation perhaps :p

And currently I'm crazy with the idea of preparing a healthy meal for the family, although at times I'm screaming inside to bake cakes or to prepare sugar-laden desserts huuuu which are not healthy of course. Kinda busy updating my cooking blog ^_^ but I'm keeping it private for the time being. A Secret Recipe gahhh absurd~ Abang has suggested the idea that I start a small business, food business I mean and I'm considering the idea seriously. After we have settled in the new house perhaps..

Quitting one, starting a new one

2011-06-11T22:43:00.004+08:00

faheem and me in KLIA. 1st June 2011

faheem dalam pangkuan nenek, a day before he departed to Jordan. Ni kerja ummi dia lah ni

It's been a while since I let go of the student title, and I guess I haven't started missing that part, though when abang brought me to his university hospital few days back, there's a dying wish to put on the whitecoat again.. i guess it's in the blood :) It is exciting in a way when abang brought me and Faheem to the library, and I used his loan quota to the max, borrowing few novels, knowing that I don't have to worry to finish my medical books anytime soon. It feels good to have someone to take care of Faheem and tend to his needs when I'm busy with the novels too! Ahh leisure time, something which was not within my reach with the final exam and the new baby.. :)

It's been a while since I last carried out the responsibility of a wife with the husband around :p and I have just realized (for the ??? times) that being a wife is actually a job hehe. Well you tend to forget how does it feel to be a wife when the husband is away for quite sometime especially in the area of S.H.A.R.I.N.G things thus the need to relearn everything. No worries insyaAllah :)

I have more time for my dear Faheem Alhamdulillah and I hope that won't spoil him in anyway huhuu. Faheem is 'absorbing' Jordan quite excellently. He had his immunization this morning from a clinic which was only 5 minutes walk from home :) Umm yep, he's not really well, has a slight fever post vaccination..

I don't grab the car key and drive off anymore. Yes, we walk to most of the places and if it is far, we take the taxi or bus. Our usual joke is, Faheem is the only one with a car hehe (he hates his car btw. Masuk stroller je buat muka cebik super saiya). We push him in the stroller anywhere (Oh well neither abang nor me can carry him using the baby carrier uhuuu he's way too heavy!). And we take evening walks haha how unusual.

Faheem started eating biscuit yesterday! He's enjoying it to the most alhamdulillah. Farley rusk banana flavoured- reminds me of Safiyya (sebab mama dia asyik belikan makanan perisa pisang je untuk dia huu)..

I have started to feel at home, Alhamdulillah for the umpteenth time :) And Faheem has started enjoying his daddy's company :D ALhamdulillah and alhamdulillah, that is all I manage to say..

Weaning

2011-06-07T15:56:00.003+08:00

I am writing this selepas kekecewaan menyental periuk hitam legam tapi taknak berkilat jugak haih~ Faheem will turn 5 months on the 19th of Jun insyaAllah, in approximately 2 weeks. But he has started weaning at the age of 4 months huhu. I know the age is a bit controversial :p But what is done is done ngee~

I started considering weaning when I felt that milk alone is simply not enough for him. He couldn't really sleep through the night and kept demanding for milk. However during each feed, he became very sleepy that he could usually finish around 1 oz only and fell asleep agin, only to be awoken up by hunger about an hour later...

Babies develop at different ages thus there is no 1 strict rule or template to which each and everyone of them should adhere to. Faheem started to roll over a day before he turned 2 months, he then progressed to elevating his bum (macam nak merangkak) at around 3.5 months and around the same time he was active as any baby can be, exploring his world in his walker, moving backwards. And now at 4 months, he can move around the room name it backward, forward, sideways hehe. He rolls himself like a log for metres. (Oh well, he's not that efficient in crawling on his tummy thus opts for the log-rolling move) Alhamdulillah for the health that Allah has bestowed upon him :)

Because he is active, I personally feel milk is simply not enough for him. So I started with rice porridge (Cerelac) which I initially added into his milk. It was very thin. He tolerated well. After about 2 weeks, I noticed that he has started mouthing and was very interested in our food. Whenever abang and me is having our meal, he becomes very excited and tries hard to reach for the food (while wearing a cheeky smile hahaha) So from thickened milk, I changed the menu. I took out his green frog bowl (a cute baby meal set bought in Ikea hehe), and made a real rice porridge (I'm using Cerelac currently. Haven't had time to make my own version of rice porridge huuu). Simply rice, though I'm yelling inside me to add some protein to the carbohydrate hehe. Guess what?? He enjoyed his porridge up to his bowl!!!!! (Dahlah gelojoh tak sabar2 tunggu for the next suapan. Ohh mangkuk katak tu pun dia nak makan ok setelah bubur habis) Alhamdulillah he has been eating that for the past 1 week, and he sleeps soundly for 12 hours or more through the night (waking up 1 or twice in between for milk) Alhamdulillah and alhamdulillah and alhamdulillah. Dah besar la anak mummy and daddy ni :D

CD = Cloth Diaper

2011-06-07T10:27:00.003+08:00

This is the sad story, well I'm kinda hoping to get some tips and encouragement from those who have succeeded... :(

I bought 10 pieces of cloth diapers even before faheem was born. Then kakak gave me another 6 I think. Each comes with 2 pieces of insert. Oh well if you still remember my 12kg hand luggage, it consisted mainly of those cloth diapers, the inserts, PLUS 30 pieces of baby napkin. Yep, I was so determined to use cloth diaper for my little faheem as opposed to pampers- save money, less garbage, eco friendly. I don't really mind the extra work washing them truthfully, being a fulltime housewife. (Oh I'm not that lazy, please take note of that~)

The first time I used it, BOCOR! Umm approximately within 2 hours of using i!!??.... Then I tried using few inserts simultaneously, producing such a big bum! And some difficulty in fitting him into his shorts huuuhuuuu. It didn't contain as well.. Then the next time (after I did some complaining to abang huuu), I tried again, and this time around he eliminated and stained the carpet and mattress (baby berak kan cair huu). In addition to canging his urine-stained clothes every 2 hours, I had to clean the carpet, mattress and wash the bed sheets!!!!!

Ok, you can surely imagine I was fed-up by then. SO i opened up 1 of the boxes which I brought from Malaysia, take out the disposable diapers, and started regretting leaving behind the other few packs of diapers in malaysia huhuuu....

BTW, Faheem feeds on 4oz (120ml) of milk every 2 hours.. I wonder whether that that can be considered as the failing factor huuu

Akathisia

2011-06-05T10:18:00.003+08:00

It's 5th June, which equals to 4 days of stay in Jordan. I'm still not feeling settled down, there are so many things to be done. I graduated with MBBS to work as an accountant, manager, wife, full time mummy and a cleaner hehe. In simpler term, I am super busy ;p

Wanted to write more on my experience bringing little faheem to Jordan, but I guess I don't have the required strength currently (ngadenye haha). Enough to say that it was a terrifying experience huuu. I pushed my 7kg faheem in his 22kg stroller, wore a 6kg backpack, and simultaneously pull a 12kg trolley bag, practically alone. PLUS 41kg of checked-in baggage huuu. It was a bit tolerable in KLIA when my family helped me with the things, a bit tiring when I was about to board the plane with all my hund luggages, nerve wrecking in the flight when faheem threw a tantrum (luckily it was only for 2 hours from malaysia to bangkok, and then he slept for 9 hours till we arrived in Jordan. Tapi faheem kencing bocor sampai kena tukar baju and pampers 2 kali dalam flight!!) and definitely unbelievably insane in Queen Alia International Airport when I had to recollect everything all by myself. I had to ask for the airport worker's kind assistance to collect my checked-in baggages and put them on the trolley, I had to ask for the immigration people to take care of faheem while I scanned the bags and later on asked 1 of the guards to look after him while I pushed the baggages outside the airport. But when I met abang, terubat hati hehe.

Been busy packing these few days, we'll be moving out soon insyaAllah, been busy buying necessities, been busy laundering and cleaning the house huu. Haven't started on the cooking part yet. Want to write more on faheem's weaning experience ^_^, and the horrible experience of dealing with cloth diapers huu. Perhaps later... i am so not feeling settled down yet :)

The final dance

2011-05-28T09:32:00.003+08:00

I still can't exhale a breath of relief.. a hectic period of 5 days awaits me.. I am tired and tired and tired that I said to abang, "Abang, sampai Jordan nanti ayang nak tido je. Nak T.I.D.U.R!!!"

Well I try to take some time to write down my professional exam experience, lest that I forget later. It spanned from 23rd May to 27th May. On the first day we had 2 sets of PMP (Problem Management-something). It is something like PBL. As for the first set (medical), we were given a case of multiple myeloma presented with bone pain, later on developed pulmonary embolism due to immobility (bed ridden), and Cushing syndrome due to prednisolone treatment. Second case was a paediatric case, given a child presented with acute gastroenteritis with dehydration, and later found to have helminthic infestation with anemia. As for the surgical PMP, O&G specialty, we were given a case of pregnancy induced hypertension, complicated by eclampsia, and for the surgery, a case of

In the evening we had OSCE, in which we head to move around from station to station, answering question given in each station. Generally the questions were ok, except for biostatistics of course hehe. I started with REST station hehe (there were 20 question stations and 10 rest stations).

Then for the second day, we had 2 sets of MCQ namely surgical and medical. They were not so ok huuu, but I went out of the exam hall early as I needed to prepare for my clinical exam the next day (Wednesday). It was scheduled at 1.30pm (the 4th group). Well, you just can't imagine the anxiety and palpitation that I had! I was unable to sleep, I was so worried. Abang called me manytimes, telling me that he knew I could do it, he keeps praying for me so I should do well and such haha. Generally I am not a person who worries of exam, but the outcome of my exam this time around has a significant impact on my life.. my main concern was whether I can put an end to the long distance relationship between abang and me.. Living alone without abang really requires me to have extra strength to move on.

At 10am in the morning I became so restless. I put on my best practical outfit to look confident and professional, and at around 11.30 I have arrived in JHC (the hospital campus) where exam took place. Of course I was not allowed to go in, as the morning session were still running. I actually sat in the car crying because I was so damn worried, and I contacted abang and ummi, telling them that I feel so worried huu. At 12pm, I sat at the security guard's pondok kawalan. And I saw many patients (who were called for the exam) reporting in. At around 12.30, the morning session students were released, most of them with a happy smile. Oh how I hope I can come out of the exam hall with a broad smile huuu. Alhamdulillah a friend, Ghaus (if you happen to read this, I really want to say thank you to you) suddenly went to the pondok kawalan and started telling me the cases that they had in the morning. That actually helped me A LOT in calming me down. He said "Examiner baik gila, banyak guide, kes common2 je etc" I was a bit relieved and started to breathe more easily. After performing my zuhr prayer, I entered he JHC building with a bismillah, a strong tawakkal, and a big hope. It is a building which I frequent, which I enter every single day of my clinical student life (except for weekends of course), but on that day, it felt different. Really it felt different.

I was brought to a patient, Bed 4. An Indian elderly gentleman.

"Pakcik, selamat petang, saya maryam, saya periksa ni. Pakcik blh tolong saya? Tolong bagi kerjasama ye"

He smiled. Alhamdulillah, anticipating an easy going patient.

"Pakcik sakit apa?"

"Saya berasa sedih"

Dlm hati" Oh no, a PSY case???????"

"Selain dari rasa sedih, pakcik ada sakit lain tak? Pernah masuk wad tak? Jantung, darah tinggi etc???"

"Tak"

"Pakcik g klinik mana jumpa Dr mana?"

"Klinik kat sini, jumpa Dr Ramli"

"Err~" (Dr Ramli is my psy lecturer :D)

I was a bit worried as I didn't revise on psy AT ALL during the revision week but luckily psy was my last posting so I hope i would be able to recall something back. I remembered my time with Iman Jeffrey (oopsss it should be Dr Iman Jeffrey!) when we made mnemonics to memorize the DSM Criteria for mood disorder. And she told me the melancholic features of MDD is MELAND (I am good at remebering mnemonics but defiitely I can't recall the contents haha), tried to rule out vegetative symptom, symptom of dementia ad anxiety which may end up in depression, general medical condition (esp hypothyroidism) and drug/substance. None. Basically in my opinion this was a case of double depression (the diagnosis that i tried to sell to the examiner later on huuu).

After an hour, I was called to room 4, where I presented to a group of lecturers consisting of Dr Hatta (psy external), Mr Jun (Surgery internal), Dr marzuki (IM internal), Dr Aye Aye (Paed internal) and Dr Dalia (O&G internal). Dr Hatta was the chief examiner for my case of course, it was his specialty. They were very nice, smiling at me.

So I presented

I remembered his first question "Do you know the term for 'loss of pleasure'?" "Anhedonia" Good. It was such a basic question but he still cared to ask, probably just to make me feel confident. And the discussion was about the difference between Major Depression and Dysthymia, why do I need to rule out happy episode (to rule out bipolar), what is the criteria for diagnosing manic, and then personality disorder, mental status examination what I would like to find to support the diagnosis, what are the psychotic features in MDD, investigations that I wanted to do and finally management. He also asked about drug/ substance induce in detail (drug abuse, drug toxicity, drug dependence and specific to alcohol, he was happy when I mentioned about early morning drinking, and he asked me the pathophysio of that. I really should thank my psy lecturers for that ESP Dr Hajee!!! Of course the usual bio-psychosocial and spiritual approach. I said Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, then SSRI and SNRI if presence of melancholic features. He said "Give me 5 names of SSRI drug that you know. I was able to list 3 only huu, and he later asked about each drug, which one is sedative, which one is better in certain types of patient etc. He also asked me about Tricyclic Antidepressant, why I don't want to use it (because of the anticholinergic side effects), on ECT (ask the indications) and finally he asked me something which I have never heard before- Magnetic Scalp stimulation. What I learn from this case, I think he was happy with the presentation because I tried to rule out many differentials in a case of depression :

1. MDD (with/without melancholic, with/without vegetative symptom, with/without psychosis)

2. Bipolar

3. Dysthymia

4. Dementia/ Anxiety disorders

5. Drug

6. General medical condition eg chronic illness, hypothyroidism

Of course I was not able to answer all the questions huhuu, but the important thing is remain calm, and don't hesitate to smile and humbly answer. "I am sorry Dr, I don't know". by the time I finish my long case, I knew that I would be able to get a distinction mark for it, but I have 3 more shortcases to go. When I came out of the presentation room, I saw Dr Ramli, and I felt like telling him, "Dr I got ur patient, and I think I presented well, and I hope that will make you feel happy and proud" haha but I just sat quietly and smiled at him from afar

As for my shortcase, my group of examiners consisted of (Dr Suhaiza (my O&G lecturer who gave Faheem's antenatal care hehe), external paediatrician, external orthopaedic surgeon and Dr Yousuf rathor (my neurology lecturer). I got a case of fibroid (which I think I did well because the discussion was up to management), a HORROR paediatric case which I flunked well of course (boleh plak cakap left lower zone crepitation. Dr: what?? Do you want to examine again? Me: yes... left middle zone crepitation huhuu) In the end I don't know the finding, but I end up saying bronchiectasis & cystic fibrosis becuase the patient had finger clubbing, and then she asked me to elaborate on Cystic Fibrosis. I really should thank abang for teaching me this when I did my elective posting in Jordan! We actually had clerked a case of CF, abang taught me about it and presented it in the bedside teaching hehe. (P/s abang ingat tak kita clerk Nimr?"Cystic Fibrosis in jordan is as common as asthma in malaysia, no wonder they know everything about it huuu. The third case was an orthopaedic case- a foot drop! which was even bizarre. I started to give weird theories to the examiner, buat ntah ape2 mngarut habis. Haihhh.. nak buat camane. I knew it was TERRIBLE when he started asking me the anatomy of nervous system haha. Well when you get a basic question (but hardly anyone can answer), you know you are doomed! By the time I finished my exam, I was even more worried than before huuuu. I was more than sure that I would have to be reexamined on friday due to my disastrous shortcases huhuu. Balik dengan hati yang tak tenang.

I packed all my things, with the intention to go back home if I dont have to be reexamined on Friday. I had another sleepless night and I was so tired but the eyes and the brain just wouldn't shut down. Next evening, at 6pm was the time for the list of reexamination and viva distinction to come out. I waited at home, hoping for wani to check it out for me. Suddenly hana sms me, "Maryam viva distinction!" I was so shocked, I refused to believe,and I was sure there had to be some typing errors, but that's it. A viva, which equals to another sleepless night and palpitation. But I told Ummi and Abang that I have passed alhamdulillah.

The next afternoon at 2pm I went for viva. There were 4 of us, but out of 4, only 1 really got distinction, my beloved Farhanah Ibrahim. Really hana, it feels like yesterday when you approached me and asked "Assalamualaikum, awak tahu tak kat mana tempat exam EAP?" We were actually in the SMAK building, in the first week of MCIIUM (matriculation) in orientation week, we have passed the English Placement Test well and had to do another exam to be eligible to take EAP class.

"Sorry tak tahu, saya pun tengah cari."

"Saya Farhanah"

I nodded and replied "Maryam"

Really hana it feels like yesterday when we did EAP together, when we studied together, when you had that severe sleeping problem and end up sleeping in the examination hall haha till Ummi address you as "Hana yang susah tido malam tu". When we attended programmes and kulliyah together, when we squatted in each others room, and next we moved to Kuantan, cooking in the middle of the night, went to each others room at wee hours in the morning (well both of us are vampires!), being called a pair of twin, when you were there for my wedding, and I went to your place for your engagement. Time do flies fast, and now you are GETTING MARRIED! Alhamdulillah :)

27th May 2011, 5.30pm, the Deputy Dean of academic affair, Dr Shahrin announced "Doctor Maryam al Batul Azizuddin" No, I don't get Distiction, but it is ok :) I stood up in gratitude, I cried and I think of my Abah and Ummi who really deserves this, and I think of my beloved significant other who is waiting for me in Jordan :) Alhamdulillah for His bounty.

Sayonara Kuantan. I straightaway drove back to KL, with my dear Faheem and my SIL, eizati, a journey to kedah awaits us and finally insyaAllah Faheem will be able to meet Daddy! :D

1.5 day to go

2011-05-21T19:44:00.002+08:00

Approximately 36 hours to go before the actual professional exam.... and what do I feel? I miss my little man damn much!!!!!!!!!! Owh he's in Kuantan btw ^_^ but I am 'camping' in the campus for the time being (name it, anywhere in the campus- mahallah, surau cf, surau KOM, library) from early morning to late night everyday, trying to pretend that I've done my best probably huuu. Ameer Faheem stays at home with his aunt :)

Yesterday he turned 4 months, his weight is not that satisfying.. 7kg, 65cm Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal. Now I've started thinking of giving him complementary food, but Ameer Faheem please wait till mummy is all done with the exam ok :) This morning Ameer Faheem made a new achievement, he managed to move forward in his walker! And guess what. He tried to climb out of his walker when he saw a bowl on a small table with sambal in it, believing that he could reach it perhaps.. He get excited when he is in a situation with many people (eg when we went to pasar malam or when we attended a wedding reception), he really talks much, he keeps staring and staring at people hoping that they will greet him, and when they actually greet him, he will reply with a broad smile (at times it looks like a sheepish grin haha) and start a conversation! (he actually did that in the clinic huhuuu. Now I really try to imagine my future household with 2 talkative men! The dad and the son huhuuu. Instead of my usual line of "Abang, abang ni cakap banyak sangat..." I probably need to say this in the future "Ameer faheem, can you and daddy talk in a room, and don't forget to keep the door shut ok" :p Oh well that's a joke, I do enjoy having them around, sincerely!!

Well final exam, final exam, final exam, how I hope this will be the final of my MBBS.. everybody is hoping for the same thing I'm sure. Truthfully Ive tried my best, and of course I've to thank hana who goes through this with me (I just can't imagine studying alone, I'll end up sleeping, smsing abang, playing with Faheem etc huu). And a quote from a dear friend Iman, "Only 5 days left Maryam, do study like mad, and let Allah takes care of the rest!" really motivates me. Most of the times, I really don't care of the outcome. Ok I'm a person who enjoys studying and making notes I guess (no matter how weird that sounds) but seriously this time around I really want to pass and be with Abang huuu. But Allah knows best of course :) So try hard, pray to Allah, and finally I'm ready to place my tawakkal in him InsyaAllah :)

Abang, today is 15th May 2011!

2011-05-15T06:17:00.004+08:00

I woke up and threw a glance at the handphone screen. 15.05.2011. Ameer Faheem started crying for his milk. I picked him up, put on my lap and said to him, "Today daddy turns 26!" Tears started to roll down the cheek. Oh how I miss him.. my everything whom I haven't met for almost 4 months. "I really miss daddy, do you miss him too?" the usual question I give to Ameer Faheem. He would just blink his eyes, continue feeding.. understanding nothing perhaps :)

Hari2 usia abang bertambah, tapi pada tarikh ni, 26 tahun yang lalu, mak berjuang untuk lahirkan abang ke dunia.. something that you and i can only appreciate after the birth of ameer faheem probably.. at the age of 26, you have a wife who really loves you, a cute and brainy little hero who makes you feel happy, a big responsibility as a husband and a dad which matures you in so many ways. alhamdulillah for His uncountable bounty! We really can't wait to meet you, abang :D

Impending break till pro :D

2011-05-04T08:15:00.003+08:00

This will probably be my last entry before the professional exam. And probably will be the last entry before ameer faheem turns 4. oh in addition to his rolling over capability, ameer faheem has started moving forward, sometimes haha. Once i was in the toilet, he was lying on his mattress, i heard some noises and hey when i came out of the toilet, he was approaching the bedroom door! However at other times he is very static as if what happened earlier was just an accident out of rebelliosity perhaps haha (he HATES being left alone) Ameer faheem is 3.5 months alhamdulillah. He got the second attack of CSOM last week :( Sometimes changes make me feel nervous.. that's the case when I think faheem looks thinner yet taller.. My theory part of psy exam was yesterday, and the clinical part will be tomorrow, and after that i'm going home for quite some time yeay! Not having any formal class is really unbelievable, well it has been 7 years since IIUM and me have walked together gee~

Ameer Faheem will be staying with his Ummi Astem while I sit for my pro exam.. for a week inshaAllah. The impact of separation will be harder on me, rather than him probably. And surely Ummi Astem will have a hard time managing my little boy! Super clingy adorable creature indeed :p

Do pray for our success...

Daytime somnolence

2011-04-26T17:10:00.002+08:00

I don't know what's wrong with me (obviously I'm lying) I know exactly what's not right. Class started at 2. I signed the attendance sheet and at 2.30 I dozed off in the surau for 2 hours!I just couldn't control. And that very morning, i dozed off in the class :( And nope, Ameer Faheem is not the culprit, because he sleeps for 12 hours straight during the night without bothering me a bit. Well if you sleep for 6 hours with more than 10 times of sleep interruption in between + nightmares, you would experience the same degree of daytime somnolence as I do huhuuuu. And oh, it's not a new thing :p I've been tolerating it for years except that it waxes and wanes.. and probably this time around is one of the exacerbation.

Alhamdulillah the third one has just been engaged :D wedding bells will ring in no time insyaAllah, and I'm looking forward to it. Well, here's the latest pic of Ameer Faheem and Mummy, on that memorable day. Alhamdulillah Ameer Faheem is growing up like a champion, and I just can't wait to bring him to meet the dad! Next week will be my final exam, followed by another final exam 2 weeks later (final exam is such an insignificant thing in a medical student's life huhu now that there are so many final exams!)

Piyah has just returned from London, and Ameer Faheem got his share of presents and souvenirs! Obviously Mummy is far more excited than him hehe.

Ameer Faheem loves lights (and that worsens the prognosis of my Medical Student Syndrome). I keep thinking of a diagnosis. Ameer Faheem grows too fast (another thing which worsens my MSS). I think of another diagnosis. O Allah, may Ameer Faheem grows normally, as normal as he can be. Ameen

Gone are the days..

2011-04-19T02:29:00.003+08:00

Gone are the days when pants have tu be pulled up high to the chest, and hands packaged tight in a bedung, frustration in trying to find a cloth that fits, or waking up every 2 hours in the middle of the night to feed, bodyache and mess in supplying breastmilk, or all that he's able to do is having continuous sleep. I'm welcoming the days of fever and runny nose, of trying to find a shirt that covers the tummy, or difficulty in wearing the nappy when he keeps trying to escape, of enjoying the smiles on his face or enduring the tantrum that he throws. Oh, don't get me wrong, i still have sleepless nights, when his hands and legs hit and kick me in his sleep, and at times, I'll just retreat to a very small corner at the very end of the bed :p And Our Faheem really enjoys his morning mummy-Faheem sing along Alhamdulillah :) He turns 3 months today!

2011-04-15T03:08:00.002+08:00

Faheem will turn 3 (months) in 4 days time insyaAllah. His 2nd month is significant indeed, when he is diagnosed with Allergic Rhinitis and Chronic Suppurative Otitis Media (CSOM). Hey, the gene is playing its role very well indeed. I guess it's hard to escape a strong family history of atopy (allergy). Considered strong when each of us gets a fair share. Asthma, eczema, allergic rhinitis, just name them. Even amoi piyah has eczema huuu. It started with fever a day after the trip to Tampoi (a week ago) + EXTREMELY POOR oral intake. He refused feeding. At times, he can easily sleep for 6 to 7 hours straight without waking up for milk in between huu. After that long duration of sleep, usually he will drink at most 3oz (as opposed to before, when he could drink 4oz every 2 hours huu) The condition continued for 1 week, and out of my own paranoia perhaps, I kinda noticed that his body became thinner. That really made me feel worried :( The fever settled down on the second day but he continued to be very irritable, crying etc. I brought him to a private clinic (which I really dislike. Sorry for the personal opinion, but I very rarely feel satisfied with their management huu), he was given a nasal decongestant. I don't use it anyway because it shouldn't be used frequently and I know that Ameer Faheem has been having this problem of rhinitis & blocked nose every single day since he was 3 weeks old, and it will continue on, what's the point of using the decongestant for few days??

Then 2 days later (which was yesterday), we noticed the suppurative right ear discharge (pus). Quite copioius that it stained his pillow huu.

That very morning, I made an appointment with a lecturer (an Ear Nose Throat surgeon who is well versed in the subject of allergy), he agreed to meet Faheem the next morning. I went to his clinic. He gave Faheem ear drop (Sofradex), and then I contacted another lecturer (a respiratory paediatrician) asking for his kind consideration to manage Faheem's case as well. ok,I admit, I worry excessively :( He was started on Augmentin (antibiotic). I guess that's the 3rd course of antibiotic for our Ameer Faheem, after gentamycin and another which I can't remember. Today I notice that his appetite is better, he can drink 3 oz of milk 3 hourly, that is at least providing me some relief.. And his next immunization will be on Tuesday next week inshaAllah. Oh btw, Ameer Faheem has started wearing 6-month old sized clothes :D why?? Because the smaller ones expose his 'boroi' tummy. Fullstop. Ameer Faheem really talks much nowadays, at least that is 1 trait that he takes after the dad. Abang sila jangan marah, everybody says he looks like me!!!

FOR SALE

2011-04-13T16:58:00.005+08:00

I want to sell my fridge and bed in view of my graduation in a short while INSYAALLAH.

Umur fridge + katil ni 1.5 tahun. Harga? Boleh dirunding (but I expect it will be very cheap :D)

Transportation not provided. Interested? Contact me at 0139144638

In the middle of the night...

2011-04-09T03:17:00.002+08:00

It's 3am, and I'm currently a refugee in K.Ashiah's house.. It started with few loud explosions at around 12.30am.. I peeked out of the window.. Then the lights started to blink on and off (It was not a visual hallucination). I jumped into a long sleeve caftan and put on my tudung. The heart started to beat fast. Then I heard voices (it was not an auditory hallucination). I peeked out again. People were gathering outside. I opened the door and smelled something burning (it was not an olfacory hallucination). This time around I couldn't stay calm. I took a bag, threw all my medical notes (luckily they're scanty) into it, took my money which i hid in some part of the house, grabbed my handbag and the car keys, my laptop & Wani's and put them beside the door. Suddenly few seconds later, somebody yelled "Ayah, api!" Ok, that was it. I practically threw the things into the car. Go in again, took Faheem's pampers & milk, grabbed Faheem, ran into the car, started the engine and drove off for safety. Hahaha it was damn funny. Neighbours (typical malay) were gathering near a big electric cable near my house, which gave away electric sparks, dripping onto the ground like water dripping from a tap.. What?? I almost yelled, RUN FOR YOUR SAFETY! and yet they were watching me as if "What is this lady trying to do, bringing her son out in the middle of the night?" I called abang, trying to explain (and I knew he kinda perceived it as a delusion, and tried to make sense of my fairytale story haha). I didn't knew where to go, Faheem has started crying for his milk.. and finally a good samaritan (Kak Ashiah) answered my call for help :p And here I am.. People started moving out their cars later, and TNB arrived in a short while.. But 1 thing I know, if an emergnecy happens, the things that I will take with me: 1. Faheem 2. My medical notes & laptop 3. Faheem's pampers & milk (the things which I can't do without) 4. My handbag (which contain important docs) & money Huuuuu

Faheem demam huu :(

2011-04-07T16:59:00.003+08:00

Baru nak update blog, sementara wani tinggalkan modem, suddenly Faheem menangis macam kena derai alahai (sambil buat muka cebik tahap super saiya).. :p We just got back from Johor, an educational trip to Hospital Permai. Faheem demam, for the second time. Last time abang was around (when he was warded in PPUM), but now I'm alone in handling him. I learn new things. I learn to worry of his condition, I learn the difficulty in making him swallow his medicine huu, and I learn that sleep is actually a luxury for a mummy hehe.. and I take a day off because I am not feeling well myself huu. Probably the long journey was too much for him, but my dear Faheem, our coming trip to Jordan will be much much much longer and tiring huhuu. Arrived at around 11pm yesterday and was hoping to get a good night sleep and wake up fresh the next day. But Faheem cried almost the whole night, he was irritable. Tak sampai hati tengok dia menangis, maka akan dukung dia. Really if I am not careful enough I will end up spoiling my little boy huu. If things get out of control, I usually will sms abang and say something like "Abang, Faheem asyik nangis je. Bukan dia lapar pun. Ayang nak tido" eventhough I knew there's nothing that abang could do. Nope, I was wrong. Abang reminded me of our responsibility as a parent.. terinsaf sekejap huu. since yesterday Ameer Faheem refuses his milk. Well he actually drank a quarter of the normal daily amount (40oz/day). I am worried and keep offering him his milk. Alhamdulillah so far he has drank 18oz till 5pm :) I brought him to a clinic and had to pay RM30 for a small bottle of nasal decongestant!!! Mencekik darah betul huuu :( In the clinic I met a friendly kakak who is pregnant with her 5th child. she said "Nanti awak akan jumpa macam2 penyakit kat anak2 ni. Memang macam2. Akak dah pengalaman anak lima." I replied "Memang pun, macam mak saya. Dah jadi doktor pakar, nak prescribe ubat pun dah terror hehe" Hari ni Faheem buat aksi ntahape2 which is.. aksi senyum malu2 kat auntie wani haha. senyum malu meow meow (wani, 2011) ehemm dah pandai ngade la faheem ni hehe! Avolition: no motivation/ drive to do anything. Well that's me for now I guess :( Dah malas nak baca buku, nak g jordan jumpa abang, and nak ganti tido and I want to be away away away from Kuantan for the whole of my life huuu

Faheemical updates 2 months old for abang :D

2011-03-23T12:20:00.003+08:00

Em tak bored ke baca blog ni semua pasal Faheem huu, anyway it was all about us before Faheem arrived, and it was all about me before we got married haha. It's an open diary, an open diary :)

So Faheem at 2 months old, he was able to roll over a day before he turned 2 (2 months hehe). I was lying on the bed, well some 30 cm apart from him. He was (as usual) complaining and being grumpy haha, I was too tired to care so I just let him be. His theme is always the same- milk milk and milk, and when I lie with him, the demand goes 1 step higher- breastMILK. It was Friday evening by the way, Wani and Rayyan had departed to Terengganu, and I was feeling kinda lazy and relaxed, the weekend feeling :) He became restless with time, my eyes were closed, and suddenly he became quiet. I wondered why and looked at him, and hey presto! He was in a prone (meniarap) position besides me :D He was quiet because I think he was surprised and confused as how he came into that position hahaha. I was so excited and happy and shock. So I put him in a supine position again, just to make sure whether it was an accident or whether it was a result of his own effort. He cried (shouted at the top of his lung) again, and I had to keep reminding him by saying something like "Faheem ni bising, semua jiran dengar. Nanti both of us akan malu tau". After a period of hardship, he rolled over again Alhamdulillah. My first reaction was to sms abang and ummi (the 2 persons that I contact most I guess hehe) and wani, updating them. Then I took out the camera and recorded it. Well when he was 'bersusah payah' trying to roll over, I actually held my breath (I was nervous huu) and kept praying "O Allah, please let this be easy for him". Meniarap je pun...

On Monday we went for checkup, he weighed 5.4kg, and measured 58cm in length Alhamdulillah. he has actually doubled his birthweight at 2 months old! What more could I say other than Alhamdulillah.

He now has social smile. He smiles especially after bath, when he's in a good mood (an able for a while to forget about his milk). He's not generous in smiling actually huu.

And 1 new thing, abang, Faheem hates his car seat! He throws tantrum each time he is placed in it which equals to every morning (when I go to the Hosp) and every evening (when I go back home). He hates traffic lights obviously because his crying become more intense each time I stop the car and wait for the greenlight huu and I have to drive single handedly because the only way to stop his crying is by giving him his milk, (and I have to hold his bottle with my left hand). Luckily it is an automatic car, although the signal lever which is on the left side (as opposed to normal car) is giving me trouble.

Faheem sleeps much much much less. He cries everytime abang call (probably he just can't stand looking at me talking on the phone), and so I have to pretend talking to abang as if I'm in a construction site with all the noise pollution huu and many a times I just give up. well, that's it for the 2nd month update, I'll try to rite his 3rd month update later insyaAllah

1 solid week

2011-03-18T14:12:00.003+08:00

1 solid week I have to be solid & strong huhu. And 1 week Ameer Faheem has been without his beloved nenek. Well Nenek is not around to take care of Faheem, and yes Ameer Faheem goes to school :p He stays in the taska when mummy is busy in the hospital. Guess what he does at school? Sleeping of course ^_^

I visit him during lunch hours, Alhamdulillah the taska is located just beside psychiatry ward, where I am currently posted. Glad to see that he is always clean and well fed everytime I check on him. Sometimes he's awake when I arrive, terkebil2 dengar orang lain menangis, but most of the times he's sleeping. Certain things really touch my heart. First was when we registered his name, when he obtained his birth cert, his my kid, his passport. It kind of mark his existence in this world and make everything more significant. Second is when I see him among other babies in the taska. His first social experience perhaps. He cries and joins the crying marathon. It was just a crying marathon, but hey I take it as my baby is socializing (Do I sound like a weird mom who enjoys watching her son crying with other babies?? ~) His the youngest of course. Faheem baring je, staring at the ceiling. A girl (who's able to roll over) stared at him from the left side, another girl (who likes to smile and laugh when I play with her) stared at him from the right side, wondering probably, "Oh this grumpy little creature~ what does he want this time around?" Haha Ameer Faheem indeed appears like a grumpy old man, crying 'harsh'ly for his milk, and for attention I'm sure. Well, that actually relieves me from the lethargy of a hectic day.. life's like that.. at least for now :) Alhamdulillah

p/s wanted to take a pic of Ameer Faheem at school, for abang, but perhaps next time~

Ameer Faheem

2011-03-11T12:54:00.006+08:00

Ameer Faheem waktu baru2 lahir.. nobody dared to bathe him.. Mummy mandikan once in every 2 to 3 days because he would shivered badly.. kesian sangat3..

Ameer Faheem few days old- kepala besar, badan kecik, kaki lagiii kecik.. mummy & daddy cakap Ameer Faheem duduk macam katak hehe. kecik sangat! and now kaki Ameer Faheem hampir terjulur keluar whenever you use this car seat

Ameer Faheem 1 week ago Alhamdulillah. His head-body size is almost proportionate. Sleeps less, and enjoying his bath each time! Alas tempat tidur tu hari2 kena tukar sebab Ameer Faheem kencing atas tilam every single night!

Baby Butiq

2011-03-11T12:03:00.009+08:00

Piyah baru bangun tido..

oopss piyah semakin hampir sambil membawa tasbih dia..

Piyah attacked Faheem's pacifier and tried to snatch it away!! And faheem tried to defend- well that's the only thing he is able to do besides 'shoo'ing piyah away with his broken-engine+screeching-tyres sound haha

Faheem terpaksa jaga puting dia from further attack haha

babybutiq.blogspot.com

An announcement to be made ~again! Once I created a blog to sell jubah etc. It was not mine. It was somebody else's and I was just helping out. But now, I have my own (read: shared) online business alhamdulillah. We have just created the blog yesterday- me and kakak (ummi opted to join the biz by pumping in few ringgits haha). It's for babies and mothers who are obsess to dress up their little ones + obsessed with internet shopping- just like me huhuu.

The idea was realized very fast. One day, we decided to start an online baby boutique. The next day we went to get some stocks and carried out few photography sessions. And the next day we created the blog and pheww went online. In conclusion, the idea started 3 days ago hahaha. For the time being kakak will be the one managing it until after my pro insyaAllah

It was such a scene bringing 2 infants to do stock-shopping! We strapped on the 2 car seats in the back of a red Kelisa, Piyah cried almost throughout the journey but alhamdulillah Faheem's sleep was undisturbed. One was carried by kakak in a baby sling, one was pushed in a stroller by me (piyah of course as she was the heavier one). Obviously she complaint when I stopped moving haih. Lepastu jealous pulak tengok mama dukung baby lain, menangis2 nak keluar dari stroller haissy.

I'm not going to promote anything in this personal space of mine, but the link is there. So happy shopping and make us rich! hehe kidding~

As for now, the tale of the two kids. Piyah has a newfound hobby which is not advisable for anybody- membuli golongan yang lemah (read: faheem) by taking his pacifier away! Yang paling tak tahan, she even climbed onto the bouncer purposely to snatch the pacifier away when faheem was using it and sleeping! Comel pulak tgk piyah hehe.

Nothing much

2011-03-06T12:36:00.003+08:00

mummy's & faheem's. because i just can't wait to meet abang!

I am on holiday which I self declare finishes today! I don't have much time left. Exam was bad, expecting an F (again huarghhh!!) and I feel guilty. Obtaining a P (pass) is not good this time around as I skipped almost half of the posting hehe. Hoping for an F that would push my motivation further T_T. Next posting will start in a week time, but as everybody else is busy studying, why shouldn't I? Less than 80 days before the final pro.

And today I should put a definite full stop to my spending spree. Well it was for necessary things actually and glad to say that most of them belong to my dear little one. Been busy packing these last few days. Mummy just can't wait to meet the dad! And oh, perhaps 'packing' isn't adequate a word to describe everything, because i have actually laid out our attire to be worn on the departure date haha. That reflects how laboriously I miss abang!

A house is called a full house with 2 kids in it. Momoi piyah and popoi faheem (at least that is what atuk calls them: momoi and popoi huu) compete for attention. Piyah tido, faheem nanges sampai piyah terbangun. Pastu faheem tido, piyah nanges plak, tp faheem slalu tak bangun pun haha. And piyah suka panjat bouncer waktu faheem tido! Haisyy haisyyy. Piyah tepuk semua benda including faheem's face (read: ala2 kena lempang jugak la) Piyah is indeed an AB- Awek Brutal gee. But when Faheem starts to cry, she turns away as if she sees a ghost- tau pun takut hehe. And one extremely funny thing- piyah refuses her milk but she finishes faheem's left over- on many occasions! Ni memang mengarut and funny :D Well I guess that's it for now. I'm hoping that Faheem would be able to roll over soon :D

2011-02-20T04:13:00.004+08:00

This pic was taken by a friend during a mag photoshoot. When i look at the pic, i just can sigh at my own memory failure of how small Ameer Faheem was. seriously small. And I have just realized that it has been 2 weeks, entering the 3rd week Abang survives the days without Faheem and me. Time do fly fast when a baby demands one's attention. I admit that many a times Faheem comes first, then only abang. Sometimes I don't even have any energy store left to pick up his phone call, Perhaps that's a good point when I don't cry as much as before. I don;t go online as frequent as before either. I can't depress a smile thinking of the old days. Old in the sense that Faheem was still not around. Every single day I'd wait for abang to finish his class and we would chat for hours. Every single day. And oh how a baby re-tune that frequency into a much lower one hehe.

Yet I have long realized, nothing changes much. I still miss abang as badly as before, except that at times it is masked by lethargy in juggling things in my hands. And I try really hard to update abang on his little one every single day. If only one knows how hard it is for me to upload Faheem's piccies :p I dress up Ameer Faheem in the clothes bought by the dad, it gives me satisfaction.

If only Ameer Faheem can understand, I can talk for hours telling him so many things. Telling him that some people are just born lucky, and I have no doubt he's one of them! Ameer Faheem was born when the issue of dumped babies champion the news. That he was born to a family who loves him much. That his loved ones sacrifice their sleep to listen to his cries when many other babies have their cries go unheard. That he has baskets of clothes when many others are dressed up in plastic bags and thrown away. That he has a dad who is eagerly waiting for his arrival. He has a mum who worries over his nappy rash. And a grandma who is worried if he is not well fed. Ameer Faheem is surrounded by people who sing selawat as lullabies to put him to sleep, a mum who hugs him when he has nightmares, kisses to soothe his anxiety.. really Ameer Faheem you are one lucky person!

May Allah bestowed Ameer Faheem with Iman

May Allah always guide him to His right path.. Ameen

Faheem

2011-02-18T13:57:00.002+08:00

Maybe it's time for me to jot down something.. 1 week more before the final exam.. and me? I'm working hard to at least make the log book 'passable' huhuu.

Yesterday Faheem went for his 1st month checkup + vaccination. And his weight? 3.8kg Alhamdulillah :) There's a hikmah why he was born 1 month earlier I'm sure hehe or else I'd have a hard time to push him out!

Breastfeeding? Not progressing that well haih, well I'm not supposed to give an excuse that I'm busy, but truth is, really I fail to exclusively breastfeed him huu. It's an emotional roller coaster for me. First, people keep saying that I'm undernutritioned, thus explaining Faheem's continuous cry due to hunger huu. Susu badan tak cukup zat lah, susu sikit lah sebab tu Faheem lapar walaupun dah menyusu etc. Sedih jugak when I remember that abang has spent not a small amount of money to buy the breastpump, bottles etc. Sedih when I feel that I'm unable to provide him with the luxury of breastmillk. When you say exclusive breastfeeding, it is not just in the sense that you don't mix it with formula milk, but really breastfeeding a baby is a labour motivated by love indeed. And everytime I breastfeed him, I should say, "From mummy with love!" haha. Truth is, Faheem memang lapar. Just imagine that he can finish 6oz of milk when normal baby drinks 2oz 2 hourly! I keep asking him "Ada jin ke dalam perut faheem ni?? Huuu" Kalau baby biasa feeds for 20 minutes, Faheem ni sejam pun tak cukup huhu, serious macam kebuluran. well he's famished all the time anyway. And really I can't stay up all night breastfeeding him when I have a hectic schedule waiting for me every single day.. another excuse perhaps..

Having a baby provides one with a way different kind of life. I have to fit my schedule into his schedule haha. But despite all that, just looking at him give me such a happiness that nobody can explain. Watching him growing up (or even better- pumping his body up!) presents me with a satisfaction that only a mother can understand. And at times, I just sit down and unbelievably ask myself, "I am a mother? Really, I am a mother?" and I would just say Alhamdulillah for everything that Allah has bestowed on me.

Faheem ni pelik sikit, sebab mulut dia bisng sangat2! I think he takes after the dad who is talkative haha. kan abang kan? He doesn't cry much, but he produces all kind of sounds which can be lumped into 'engine rosak' name anything. enjin kereta rosak, radio rosak, enjin motor rosak etc, and sometimes macam bunyi Tot! I want to write more on Faheem, the things that he does to brighten my everyday mundane life.. but perhaps some other time..

it's the 2 of us again

2011-02-05T17:53:00.002+08:00

well, i guess it's the two of us again, faheem. Abang has returned to Jordan, a mission well accomplished insyaAllah. A plan well carried out indeed, which is not possible without Allah's guidance. Abang came back just in time for the labour, stayed with me when I was adjusting to the responsibility of a new mummy, we pulled through the hard times during the first few days of Faheem's life when he had jaundice and we had to check his bilirubin level every other day, and when Faheem was warded due to fever (he was discharged yesterday). Something to be reminisced forever, when Faheem was warded in PPUM, both of us stayed in the ward, and we shared a single bed haha while Faheem was given a baby cot. The nurse hinted that Abang shouldn't spend the night there, but I refused to understand. It was a paediatric ward, not an O&G ward. That was when I realized that Faheem is such a well behaved baby (despite perangai ngade2 dia yg nak kena dukung sentiasa). There was a baby who I think had colic, and whoa the mother was very patient handling his crying spell which occured I think every 5 to 10 mins.. At least Faheem stops crying when he is being fed.

2 days ago Faheem weighed 3kg. Alhamdulillah. Terubat sket hati mummy yang operating 24 hours as kilang susu Faheem haha. He doesn't look as skinny as before, his skin doesn't wrinkle like before and his double chin is developing hehe.

I might stop writing for the tine being. 4 months is perceived as extra long.. guess that is how long we have to wait before we get to meet abang again, and I have started missing him.. But 4 months definitely is not that long before Professional Exam, and I have to work hard. Do pray for us...

Part 3

2011-01-27T14:25:00.003+08:00

From the labour room, I was discharged to ward 6D, 2 people in a room. I was really sleepy. so was Faheem. So I slept without taking my breakfast. Abang went home to take a nap. Ummi & my aunty & uncle came at around 1pm, only then I woke up. Abah departed to US a day before I gave birth attending some sort of a course, and he is still in US so he has never met Ameer Faheem. Tried to finish my cake. Ameer Faheem refused to wake up, so I had some difficulty to breastfeed him. His blood sugar level was measured, it was at such a low level of 1.4. I was threatened (by the nurse of course) that if I fail to correct that level to at least 3.5, Faheem would be admitted to NICU. I tried hard to feed him. The nurses were helpful (despite their laser tongues huu) in teaching me how to breastfeed him, and how to wake him up. Punyala susah. Everytime nak menyusukan dia, terpaksa jentik tapak kaki, bogelkan dia supaya dia sejuk, stimulate bawah dagu supaya dia suck huuu.... and I couldn't sleep the whole night. I had to sit on a chair, breastfeed him, and every half an hour, the nurse would check his sugar level. I was damn worried. He didn't even cry when he was injected huuu. Obviously he didn't cry for milk.

That was when I started to think nonsensely. I inspected him hard. Asked abang, Faheem nampak macam ada micrognathia tak. Haha. Abang kata macam ada. But there was no other syndromic features. And obviously he was not hypotonic. Mak apa la ni huuu, terlebih risau. That night I succeeded in increasing his sugar level from 1.4 to 1.8 to 2.2 to 2.9 and finally 3.1 Alhamdulillah :)

The next day, I was discharged after 24 hours of observation. Went home Alhamdulillah :) On his second day of life, I still had to take off his clothes (sampai bogel terus ok) to wake him up for feeding. And I noticed that he started to have jaundice. So the next day, we bought him to a Klinik Kesihatan. It was quite high, but hadn't reached the level which requires admission. We had to come again and check the bilirubin level in 2 days time.

On Day 3, Ameer Faheem had just found his voice! And he cried so loud everytime he feels hungry :) That was really nice. On Day 3, for the first time, we went out together as a family of 3 hehe. I feel so complete with Abang and Baby Faheem. We went to JPN to make his IC and Birth Cert, then we went to Giant, By now, Faheem fed every hour. On Day 5, we went back to Kuantan to settle down few things before abang goes back to Jordan. Faheem buat perangai pulak waktu photoshoot for our magazine, menangis kuat2 because he was hungry huu...

Tido-makan-prott-ngade

2011-01-25T17:39:00.006+08:00

semangat tak abang mkn.. hehe

i'm trying to figure out the best way to blog with the little dude on my lap...sleeping. Tuan Faheem. well, really i should say 'yes sir!' each time he demands anything huhu. mcm abang kata, faheem ni tido-makan-prottt-ngade haha. that's what he does everyday. prott tu maksudnya dia berak :p Lepas tu suka mengade2. nangis pun bunyi ngade2 jugak, but once he shows his true self, well at one point i thought i could turn deaf. badan kecik suara kuat!

so this is the continuation of the story..

oh i forgot i was given 2 doses of dexamethasone for fetal lung maturation. SAKIT GILE and the worst injection i have ever experienced in my life so far! after the tocolytic regime, i was put on maintenance dose of nifedipine (adalat). The contraction did reduce in intensity and frequency. I was a bit upset.. well i wanted to give birth after all! i did not sleep the whole night except for 1 hour. the place was ar conditioned and cosy, but i wanted to be with abang. obviously he was not allowed to be there with me, so he went home at around 1.30am

The next day, he came early. Alhamdulillah Hosp Sg Buloh (HSB) is just 15mins drive from my house, bringing along some breakfast which ummi had prepared. I still had a 2 in 10 contractions so during the morning round, the Dr decided to allow labour progress yeay! They stopped the nifedipine. I met abang occasionally. They wanted to transfer me to ward 6b, but it was full. so i had to be in the screening ward for the whole day, not given a bed anyway. i was so depressed and in pain and tired. lepak kat bilik tv je huu. abah and ummi told me to request for a 1st class ward but unfortunately they don't have any in HSB. I cried and cried, and planned for an AOR (discharged at own risk) and go to a private hosp. Just when abang was arranging things, they informed me that a bed was available in the ward, at around 6pm! So we cancelled the AOR plan.

Alhamdulillah the ward was cosy as well despite the 3rd class status. 4 patients shared a toilet, and hot shower was available. It was spacious, and I didn't have any difficulty to pray beside my bed. The only despicable thing was abang was not allowed to stay with me, and I survived the days alone. But he came during each visiting hours between 12pm-2pm and 4.30pm to 7.30pm.

During the round the next day, the Specialist decided to observe me further. Well they wanted to have a 24hours of free of contraction period before they would allow me to be discharged. I was so stressed. The last timed contraction was at 8pm the previous day. I did have few minor contractions but i didn't want to report. desperate nak balik rumah..

Specialist: Awak nak balik nak buat apa?

Me: saya nak balik kuantan

S: kenapa?

Me: kelas

S: Awak nak bersalin kat mana?

Me: depends waktu ada labour symptom, saya kat mana. Kuantan or Sg Buloh

S: Awak balik kuantan malam ni, awak akan beranak kat hosp bentong

Me:............

He was a fine Dr, very understanding :) So he said, he wanted to do a doppler ultrasound first before dischaging me. After the round, few medical students came and clerked me, and presented my case to their lecturer and did a short case on me haha. I was then called for the ultrasound..

The US revealed an AFI of 4 (air ketuban sikit sgt) and the placenta was heavily calcified.

S: Awak tidak akan beranak di Kuantan mahupun di Bentong. Awak akan beranak disini. (he said with a smile) haha.

Me: OK!

They decided to induce me, in view of the long standing oligohydramnios, plus i was by then 36 weeks pregnant, on-the-dot. I called abang, telling him that the Dr planned to induce with max 3 doses of Prostin and if fail, i would end up being cut in C-sect. And because of the oligo, there was a high risk to get fetal distress and end up being operated on as well. Abang asked me how did i feel, i said i was fine with the plan. So I was transferred to 6c for induction..

At 3pm, they inserted the first dose of Prostin. Tengok jiran2 yg sama kena induce, sume macam relax je uhuu. The contractions become intense after 1 hour, but i still could sleep, so i slept. abang came at 4.30pm, the contractions slowly becoming less. Yang peliknya, sepanjang duduk ward, abang dtg visit, tp bila sampai ward, dia makan my food and slept on my bed! dia kata suasana tenang dia rasa ngantuk plak haisyyy!! I lost my appetite.

At 9pm, they planned for the second dose of prostin. But when they examined me, the os has dilated 2cm. they did S&S (try besarkan jalan manually, SAKIT GILE lagi, sama macam dexa, and i cried). They didn't insert the second prostin. At 10pm, the contraction has become morbidly severe. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't lie still. I went to the toilet every few minutes, berjalan2 dalam ward, kejap duduk, kejap baring. Tengok org lain, tido dgn lena lagi huuu. I called abang, suruh abang tido takut2 tgh2 malam kena dtg hospital. Rasa macam tak lama dah nak bersalin. I tried to eat the secret recipe cake that kakak brought (haha siap pesan kat kakak suruh bawak kek, kemaruk melampau), konon2 to gain energy to push out the baby.

At 3pm, the pain was too severe, that i thought it was continuous. They were actually strong contractions of 4 in 10. Waktu ni dah menangis2 tak tahan sgt, but i still remembered to practice the deep breathing technique. Called abang, suruh datang even though i knew he was actually not allowed to stay with me. Nurse bagi je abang masuk ward, alhamdulillah. Minta pethidine. The nurse agreed but she had to do the CTG first and check the os first. So A HO came and checked, it was 3cm tight. But the baby's head has descended to a very low position. Nurse nak buat CTG but she took nearly 1 hour to get a reading because the baby was sleeping. Haisyy time ni plak baby sibuk nak tido. Sambil menangis2 tu, bleh plak ulang2 cakap "Faheem cepatla bangun, mummy sakit ni".

Nurse: Awak minum air selusuh ke?

Me: tak (dalam hati: manalah nak dpt supply air selusuh ni huu)

Nurse: contraction kuat sgt ni. 4 in 10. Ada rasa nak teran?

Me: no

Abang's arrival was such a relief! I gripped his hand tight, abang kept reminding me to recite 'La hawla wala quwwata illa billah' and I obeyed. Rasa sangat lega bila abang ada, and sempat terfikir macamana la agaknya if bersalin abang tak sempat balik dari Jordan huu. Sungguh cantik segala yang Allah aturkan.. At nearly 4am, I was given a jab of pethidine. I waited for the medicine to work, but I didn't think the pain lessened. At 5am, suddenly I had this urge to expel the baby out and I became anxious because I was at level 6 and the labour room was on the ground floor. Terus jerit, "Nurse, saya nak teran!!" The nurses checked the os again, 5cm. The HO kelam kabut ambik darah. I couldn't lie still because the contractions were very painful. They pushed a wheelchair to my bedside and asked me to sit on it. I was like, what???? Nak keluar sangat dah ni! Tapi duduk jugak and dengan sangat lajunya, I was pushed to the labour room. What a journey huu siap turun lif lagi. The moment I was on the bed in labour room 8, another HO and few nurses came in. It was around 5.15am. I saw them acting very cool huu. I cried, 'saya nak teran sekarang'. Nampak delivery set tak buka lagi. One of them checked and said 'fully' (10cm). suddenly a nurse said, 'janganla nangis, awak nak teran, teran betul2' haha it reminded me of my O&G days in the labour room and listening to the same thing being told to the patients. I don't know why did i cry, and i didn't realize i was crying until she said that, probably because i was so nervous as opposed to painful sensation. When i started to push, the pain automatically disappeared. nurse cakap, "kalau sakit, teran panjang2, curi nafas dan sambung" how familiar that line sounded. But i just pushed continuously because i couldn't feel any pain. by then i started to feel drowsy, the pethidine started to take its effect on me. but i could still remember the things that i used to tell to patients: teran panjang-panjang, jangan teran kat muka, jangan angkat punggung etc. They cheered on me, i could hear and feel the episiotomy being done (it was painful by the way), and then i could feel the baby's head came out. All the while, abang helped to elevate my head, and i could hear him reporting, "ayang, sambung teran, kepala dah nampak 1/3" and then "ayang, kepala dah half keluar", and then "kepala dah tinggal 1/4 je lagi" hehe. 5.27am. Then the body came out. Abang kissed me and I fell asleep. I didn't even hear the baby crying. The nurse placed him on my chest, I cuddled him. Fell asleep again. One of them took him away. I fell asleep again. Woke up again and asked with a slurred speech (I was extremely sleepy), "Apgar score seminit berapa?"

Nurse:9

Me: OK.

Fell asleep again.

HO: Saya nak jahit ni

Me: OK. guna LA ke?

HO: guna

Me: OK

Nurse: tapi utk skin tak guna.

Me: sakit..

Nurse: kita bagi entonox k.

Me: OK

The nurse passed the mask for entonox. They stitched the epi. When only the skin was left to be stitched, they informed me that it was going to be a bit painful. I quickly inhaled the entonox.. suddenly

CRASH!!!

HO & Nurse: Eh kenapa ni?? (i think they thought i collapsed)

Me: saya ngantuk sangat.. (terjatuhkan mask atas lantai huu)

Lepas siap jahit, they helped me to change into a set of fresh clothes. And I vomited few times.. kenapa entah...

to be continued..

Moments to be shared :D part 1

2011-01-21T08:59:00.005+08:00

konon nak masuk, tapi dah tutup..

di gua kelam

first time abg dtg teluk cempedak with me

padang besar, perlis..

Alhamdulillah alhamdulillah and alhamdulillah..

Ameer Faheem al-Waseem ibnu Muhammad al-Athiq

(the handsome intelligent prince)

has safely arrived into this world on 19/1/2011 at 5.27 am. Alhamdulillah again..

Really no word can express the joy brought by the tiny breathing bundle... and my hands still have this difficulty to type after a long break + lenguh dukung faheem :p

I want to write down every single plot of the wonderful story, but perhaps i'll take some time :D. We are terribly deprived of sleep, and yet enjoying every moment with Faheem (as have been mentioned earlier, we don't call him Ameer because we plan to name each of our boy with the name Ameer :) insyaAllah)

So here goes...

Abang arrived in Malaysia on Thursday, 6/1/2011 9.30 am, a day before my final Paediatric clinical exam. I fetched him at KLIA and that very evening we went back to Kuantan. I sat for my exam the next day and then we spent our days in Telok Chempedak and around Kuantan. I really did lot of walking, with the intention and hope to induce the labour process haha. The coming monday, I started my Surgical posting. Managed to present a case, attended few operations and did some other stuff. On Thursday evening, we went back to Shah Alam as we planned to go back to Kedah the next day for abang hasn't met his parents.. Ummi wasn't very keen with the idea of me going back to kedah in such an advanced stage of pregnancy, but being the stubborn me, i said everything would be fine. I really exhausted myself because I intentionally wanted to give birth asap haha.

So off we went to Kedah on Friday morning. Arrived in Kedah at around 8pm. The next morning, I asked abang to go shopping at Padang Besar ( I have never been there even once), Abang agreed so we went there with my MIL and SIL. Bought Faheem's clothes (the price was really CHEAP!!!!), and on the way back, we went to Gua Kelam (perut boyot pun ada hati lagi nak jalan masuk gua!! hehe). Arrived home at around maghrib, we then went out again to visit our relatives. Makan buah dengan sangat banyak kat rumah dia- mata kucing, jambu, tembikai n ntah ape2 lagi..

The next morning we woke up early to prepare for our journey back to KL, then straightaway to Kuantan. Planned to depart at 9am, but when we were having our breakfast of nasi lemak which Abah bought, I started to feel nausea and abdominal pain. I thought it was due to my heinous act the previous night stuffing all kind of fruits into my tummy, then the pain become more severe and I had to pay few visits to the toilet. I had diarrhea..

Feeling extremely nauseous, I tried to take a short nap, but then I noticed that I had regular contractions. That was when I started to think of parenteral diarrhea & vomiting. Oh by the way, it's common for me to have diarrhea and vomiting during menstruation. I still refused to believe that it was labour pain. I slept until zohor, mak checked on me, risau takut2 nak bersalin. I said cirit birit. so everybody assumed it was gastroenteritis.

Waktu zohor, the pain has lessened. I performed my prayer with abang, but while reciting the doa, I experienced the first real contraction pain, till I cried, still clad in my telekung. I lost my appetite for lunch, and then straightaway headed to KL. On the road, I felt fine, and asked abang to go to the Lost World of Tambun! (huu dasar tak sedar diri!) We arrived at around 6pm, the place has closed so we just snapped few pics at the main entrance :p, and continued our journey to KL. We then stopped for maghrib-isya prayers at R&R Tapah. At 8pm, the journey continued, and I started to feel the pain again. I wasn't sure whether it was crampy or contraction pain, progressively becoming severe until at 1 point berguling2 dalam kereta huu. Asked abang to stop at any toilet, then I saw the signboard with 'Sungai Buloh 69km'. Ya Allah, how impossible that 69km figure seemed to be, for me to go through. I knew abang started to speed (I'm the type of wife who always ask the husband to slow down to 80kmph haha), but I couldn't care, I was so in pain. In Sungai Buloh, we directly went to the Hospital Sungai Buloh. It was around 10pm..

True enough I had a 3 in 10 contraction of 30-40 seconds, and I was only 35 weeks 5 days pregnant. They did a urine test, said it was due to urinary tract infection as the leukocyte was 1+. I was admitted and started on a tocolytic regime of Adalat.

Huu

2011-01-03T12:52:00.003+08:00

Lamanya tak menulis.. tak ada mood + selalu saja tak sihat..
Saat2 menghitung hari untuk melahirkan Ameer, saat2 bergelar wanita mengandung hanya tersisa, saat upaya mengugut untuk pergi, saat semangat terbang entah ke mana... ke mana lagi harus dipalingkan wajah, dan meminta simpati, melainkan kepada Dia yang maha mendengar..lagi maha mengasihani.. ah sekurang2nya membuatkan diri in tersedar bahawa kita tidak pernah ditinggalkan bersendiri... akhir2 ini, terasa seperti saban hari mengenangkan kisah Maryam bintu Imran, mengandungkan Nabi Isa berseorangan, melahirkan juga berseorangan.. betapa hati berharap Maryam bintu Azizuddin juga akan begitu.. tapi ketabahan tentulah tidak hadir hanya dengan berharap..

Rasanya ungkapan yang tidak bosan diungkapkan, sejak awal mengandung, bahkan setiap waktu sentiasa meniti di bibir, sehinggalah saat melahirkan rasa terlalu hampir.. mengandung itu payah. Memang payah. Pengalaman itu berbeza. Ada yang 'steady', ada yang memang tergigit peritnya.. Kasihan abang, setia menelan segala keluhan, walaupun pasti dia sudah letih mendengar semua itu.. Sakit itu seperti lepas satu, satu datang bertamu.. sehinggakan ambil injection ATT pun demam dan terpaksa dapatkan MC.. Dan sejak akhir2 ini demam itu seperti rutin. Exam pun baru separuh yang selesai, masih berbaki lagi separuh untuk diselesaikan Jumaat ini insyaAllah.. tp aku sendiri tak dapat bayangkan bagaimana untuk pulang ke Kuantan. MAS says NO, tapi tengok bas pun aku fobia.. sekadar naik kereta untuk ke kedai dekat2 dengan Ummi pun terasa begitu menyiksakan.. especially the contractions, and the nausea.

Ye aku nausea lagi. And I can go on without food for days.. tak ubah seperti sebelum mengandung.. pun kesian kat Ummi yang asyik tanya nak masak lauk apa.. I answer, "I want to eat cocoa crunch" or aku habiskan air yogurt dalam fridge.. Tapi air yogurt and cocoa crunch tak berkhasiat! "Kesian Ameer", Ummi would say.

Hari ni terasa seperti air ketuban terlalu sikit.. (memang AFI dah low sejak sebulan lalu kot), aku jadi risau. Disebabkan air ketuban yang terlalu sikit, rasanya itulah punca Ameer sangat irritable, pantang tersentuh sikit, mesti uterus akan contract :( Resulting in me sakit perut sokmo.. Arahan Dr supaya buat weekly CTG pun aku abaikan, tp hari ni terasa seperti nak buat CTG.. Tapi bimbang ditahan di wad lagi... macamane nak exam Jumaat ni??? Really I worry enough but most of the times, ketidaklaratan membuatkan aku abaikan semua benda. Sakit gigi sejak sekian lama, tapi the dentists do not want to do anything. Dan aku merengek2 kat abang nak induce labour at 37 weeks huuu... Entahlah terasa sangat serabut.

2010-12-23T15:08:00.002+08:00

Exam will be this coming monday.

Did the antenatal checkup yesterday, paid a good amount to have the 3D pic of Ameer, alhamdulillah we got a peek view of him.. but I was left blank not knowing muka macam sapa haha, but surely he's chubby. Yang sangat pasti hidung dia kembang. Ikut sape ntah :p Ummi kata macam hidung amoi piyah!!! Things are not going on very well inside the tummy, but still Alhamdulillah for His bounty..

But there goes my dream to go to Jordan, nobody want to issue a medical clearance for me.. As for now I'm pathetically waiting for abang's return huhuhuuu..

Allah knows how much I want to give birth to him, the contractions are giving me severe discomforts, and his tiny legs are poking me hard (this is most painful!!!) , and my back is screaming for some justice, it is really painful :(

And Allah knows how much I want him to stay longer, gets stronger and gain more weight in the womb! He's now Alhamdulillah 2.2kg -smile, smile, smile- :D

I dream of getting an electric wheelchair huuuuu

Piyah has started on her weaning diet!! And I haven't met her for more than 1 month, that's how long I haven't gone home huuu....

Above averything else, I want abang, abang and abang!

2010-12-19T15:19:00.002+08:00

I've been contemplating for quite some time
And I've been pondering over my life lately
I got caught in the web of confusion
I try to imagine the hectic HO life yet adequately paid, and wonder how satisfying everything is
I try to taste the sweetness of victory.. perhaps for those who have just received the title of a Dr
I try to picture a life so carefree
And I try to put on the shoes of those who are needy
I try to search for sakeenah that has long gone
And I talk to those who are suppled with wisdom
And I came across this poem that extremely depicts me:

Do not doubt I love you, eventhough

My actions may have undermined my word

We could be as connubial as birds

Had I not led my wild longings show

I cannot help wanting to devour

All the world that comes before my eyes

But more than all the world is that which lies

Within the precious circle of our bower

I'll do anything to keep you with me

our love will last as long as you have will

Despite my untamed need, my love is still

A rock against the surges of the sea

And I came across a song to which I shed tears
I am now a decided person :)

Birthday Mommy???!!

2010-12-10T12:39:00.002+08:00

Tak sangka pulak the pevious post gave rise to few controversies huuu. Ada yg bg motivasi, ada jugak yg menempelak haihh, but thank you to those responses and responders regardless of their nature huu. Being me, of course i can just be blunt, but truly I learn.. as how I always like to put it, as I walk through life, I like to collect and keep those things that are useful, and I can just discard the things that I don't need :D Abang kata dia kurang jadi panas baran sebab terpengaruh with my way haha.

It's a habit I guess to complain. I am dramatic most of the times, but truth is not as bad as that :D a fact that is too familiar to abang, so don't worry that much hehe. For example extending my study, it is such an impossible feat to be accomplished haihh. In UIA, we don't have such thing I guess. And I nearly complete 3 out of 5 postings, so I don't have any other option but to move on :p Abang is the jack-of-all-trades, really. After we got married, abang dealt with the university transfer, and he got it. I received an offer letter to join JUST, sraightaway entering Year 4. I am the dumb one really, I didn't even know how to deal with JPA so the opportunity went down the drain. I was called to the Dean's office when JUST faxed the letter to UIA, they were curious as never in the IIUM history such thing happened before huu. And then he dealt with the univ regarding my elective, I don't know how he did it, but I managed to have a holiday during my elective, and graduated with an evaluation form written 'a good student, eager to learn bla.. bla". And then abang requested for marriage leave from his univ, and currently he requests for the paternity leave. I REALLY and REALLY wonder how can he do such absurd things huuu, but that's abang. I think he really knows how to deal with things. And sekarang abang gelak2 je sindir, saying "Nak tangguh HO pun tak tahu prosedur, ada hati nak tangguh belajar!!!" haha. Yelah, isteri abang ni tak pandai buat apa2 huu. But the fact that I am really deprived of the mood to study is for real :(

Complaining to abang all the time? Oh that's a must! And if you wonder, what do I complain and nag and whine about every single day, my answer would be, "Nothing much. Hari2 aku nangis2 cakap rindu kat abang" And he complains about the same thing to me, so I guess it's fair and square, we are equal :p

So back to the real topic, I didn't even remember that today is my birthday until I received a bunch of messages wishing me a happy birthday huuu. And it didn't hit me that hard as everybody was just saying "Happy Birthday" until abang wished me "Salam ulangtahun sayang yang ke 24....[cont]". What?? 24?? Am I that old? huuuuuu, terasa tak best plak birthday ni huuu.

Immensely mundane complain

2010-12-08T18:16:00.006+08:00

The worst mood I can ever imagine.. if suddenly I get a phone call from the university office asking me, "Maryam, do you want to postpone your study? We are ready to grant your wish" I won't be needing another second to make a decision. yep, that is what i am seriously thinking right now.. to extend my study.. awful and awful. Professional exam is just around the corner, and I can't feel the aura.. worse is most of the times I think I don't want to care, the only thing I want is for May to arrive and hey presto! Off to be with abang for good huhuu.

Sape yang paling kesian? Abang. Why? Because I nag and complain and cry to him every single day. Batul, it's NEW YEAR!!! He's having his hectic specialized 2-week postings and I guess that adds up to the burden haissy. Plus, he's busy during the weekend... kesian abang and yet I can't control myself.. Abang told me that he used to be a bad tempered person before marriage, but he claimed to be a different person now that he's a husband... No wonder about that... because he get such an annoying cry baby wife huu. Yes he rarely (extremely rare) raises up his voice.. but I feel guilty (padan muka diri sendiri) :( When I think of going to his place, I want him to be around all the time.. I don't even want him to attend class huu. Nak jadi possessive macamane lagi??? Well, i think that's quite true, when I was around, abang went out to play at midnight, after I've fallen asleep. Speaking of being left alone, i even cried when he went to the mosque huuu. Absurd~ Tapi kena tinggal lama kat malaysia boleh pulak? not left with any other option I guess. Oh God, he's going to be a houseman after all!!! Why and why and why do i behave this way?? [fatrah geram dengan diri sendiri]

I have to ask baby Ameer, nanti nak duduk kat jordan tak?? :p Tapi kalau daddy busy, kita tinggal berdua je la huhuu

InsyaAllah I'll be moving out soon. I think staying in the hostel gives me a not-so-good environment.. less opportunity to have life, PLUS more time to whine, and the pathologic internet connection which means more opportunity to disturb abang huhuu. And seriously thinking of starting baking again, as if I don't have enough things in my hands... until before the baby arrives insyaAllah. Probably encouraged by the cafe owner who keeps asking me when will I send my cakes...sehinggalah naik segan nak beli kat cafe dia huu. And because I can't think of better things to do... and yet the exam is around the corner! Well, if you have been dragging your whole body to complete the whole medic affair for the past 5 years, another 5 months do feel like 5o years.. :(

They'll be flying to Sarawak (and i miss another wedding) this weekend,
And abang will sit for his Anaes exam tomorrow.. may Allah help you, abang..
And another hectic weekend for him..
Guess I'm head over heel in love with you abang, so i'll be missing you much!
And I am for uncountable times, stuck here....

I can b extremely lumpy at times!

2010-12-07T03:41:00.002+08:00

It was 2 something in the m0rning, and I had just woke up, after some wonderful dreams :D Then the tummy started to rumble, oh the aura of gastritis, giving me a warning of what's coming. I looked down at it, suddenly it moved and wriggled, I was alarmed, what was that???!! and kept staring on for almost a minute... (the first thing that came to mind was, "A big snake in me??" Penangan baca Mastika huu) then I realize, oh I forgot that I have Ameer inside me huu. I dreamt of Abang & me, not in a preggie state haha... and I guess I got carried away..

Speaking about compliance

2010-12-04T13:50:00.002+08:00

Yesterday I bought nasi goreng kampung + fried egg + ikan keli for dinner. I used to enjoy those foods, but last night I ate onlya quarter and threw away the rest.. The appetite just wouldn't cooperate.

I can be the least compliant patient any doctor can find. During the last antenatal checkup, Ameer's parameters were a bit worrying to me.. his abdominal circumference corresponded to his age of 29 weeks, but his other parameters were that of 32 weeks gestation... Being a paranoid medical student, I started to think of asymmetrical IUGR (intrauterine growth retardation), and the worst was, I felt guilty.. then I started to think of the anemia that I'm having, and my poor nutritional intake.. is it affecting Ameer?

First I can' take the iron (ferrous fumarate), because I'll start throwing up once I take it. So I stopped taking it once I entered 2nd trimester. Then recently Ummi bought me Iberet (ferrous sulphate) which should produce less GI effects such as nausea vomiting, because my hemoglobin (Hb) has progressively dropped to 9. Worse, Iberet also induced vomiting :( so i took one tablet only.

last week, once I got back from the antenatal checkup with that worrying finding (the Dr wasn't worried at all huhuu), I took the 2nd tablet huu, and ended having nausea and vomiting, then I slept with an empty stomach, and woke up in the middle of the night, vomit again due to gastritis plak huu. and I skipped the class next morning.. abang told me to avoid taking the iron tablet but to eat red meat, kerang and such to increase the Hb. The problem is, I don't have the appetite to eat rice + lauk huuuu. Sometimes I do cry because I feel so stressed throwing away my meal all the time. The irony is, I can eat cakes and biscuits and crave for them!! Abang pulak asyik suruh mkn kek rather than not eating anything, but cake is not nutritious! What a dilemma

When you are pregnant, you really do something for the sake of the baby. If I'm not pregnant, I won't worry this much, in fact I won't worry a bit to substitute my rice with cake for each meal huu (except that I'll get cardiovascular diseases later in life haha). And I actually have lost some weight lately.. I don't even need to wait until delivery :( Probably I should buy the supplement Neurogain which they sell in the clinic huuu...

My other half.. mngarut apa lagi ni??

2010-12-02T21:22:00.004+08:00

I took this pic when one day, I noticed abang using the jubah as a plate to put some sort of muruku, while concentrating on the laptop screen.. I called him, snapped the picture and threatened to put it in the blog, while sighing "Kenapa abang letak makanan atas baju????"
He just grinned..
And yet..
How I miss that grin
how I miss that smile
and oh how I miss to see him laughing again
and listen to that cheery note in his words..
I simply miss every single thing about this man!

Bila tgk org ramai2 kahwin, rasa nak kahwin dengan abang lagi. Nak kahwin berulang (1000x) kali dgn abang, knowing that insyaAllah it's a decision that i'll never regret :). abang, jom kawen!

Antenatal checkup

2010-12-01T23:56:00.003+08:00

I'm resorting to this blog because I have nothing better to do.. or rather I can't think of anything better to do.. Blurr sgt3.. It's 12am by the way..
Alhamdulillah, I've finished my presentation for Paeds; the seminar & PBA. And today, I went for my antenatal checkup after a lapse of 2 months huu. The nurse asked, "Checkup awak yg terakhir bulan 9?????" And I had to produce a stupid grin..plus a bit of explanation huu.

Wanted to do the 3D/4D scan.. but Ameer was facing my back, and furthermore, he covered the face with his hand..how unfortunate! saje je Ameer ni huu. Bukan apa, I just want to have an idea of whose look he's going to take after..muka abang atau me?? Haruslah baby boy mengikut muka abang hehe although I desperately want my babies to look like me ngeh3 (ehemm [clearing the throat] i'm not commenting on abang's handsomeness or any such things.. it's just that the idea of mother-baby look alike seems fun :p abang will always look handsome to me insyaAllah even when he develops thousands of wrinkles 1 day hehe)

Well the Dr asked me to poke and push the baby here and there so as to change his position but I didn't think much can be done , as have been said before... it's really stuffy and crampy in there huu. But his weight is now 1.4kg Alhamdulillah, an excellent performance so far, Ameer!

Tapi Ameer ni sangatlah selalu tersedu-sedu huu. Interesting huh to note that a mother can really differentiate the in utero movements..? :D It's an amazing discovery for me as well. I know when he kicks, when he stretches, when he turns his body.. and definitely when he has hiccups! When the Dr was doing the scan, she suddenly smiled and said "He's having hiccups, can you feel that?" I said "Yes, selalu sangat2!" She just laughed and said "Orang tua tua kata, budak sedu bagus" and I replied, "Bagus supaya cepat besar ke? Hahaha"

I have another checkup this monday, and I hope Ameer will be just fine.. just fine..

I do have a big problem

2010-11-28T09:34:00.002+08:00

Entering 3rd trimester, the sinister monsters in the first trim have evilly started eyeing on me haisyy..especially the bloating. it's geting worse nowadays, now i start to miss my 2nd trim huu. but my big problem is, it seems like eating rice induce nausea..again huuu. i rarely can finish my proper meal, and i only have it once a day. but.. my bigger problem is.. it seems like i crave for secret recipe cake everyday huu or even fruit juice beverages... which are SWEET :( this is bad news..for my pancreas..and absolutely bad news for our Ameer.. malnutrition la pulak nanti huuu. for the time being i still try hard to be nutritious, but i know i'm losing the battle :(

after 1 whole day of doing nothing yesterday (other than listening to talks of course), perhaps i should work out something today..

It's getting crampy

2010-11-27T18:51:00.002+08:00

I'm talking of his swimming pool, I think the size is progressively becoming inappropriately small for him huu.. and the result? He kicks me more! Haisyy. He's cephalic now (head down position) and I hope he will stay that way, I doubt that he can turn back anyway huu. My abdomen doesn't look that big, but it feels very compact uh-uh, which really makes me wonder whether the liquor is adequate..
I haven't attended antenatal checkup for 2 months (unfortunately the hospital admission fell on my checkup date), which results in me not getting my 1st ATT yet, and I'm 29 weeks pregnant! Huuu. Inilah medical student :( I can't wait to have another scan on 6th Dec, I'm excited to know his weight!

Today I attended a programme "What's next?" It's a programme to enlighten us on the route we should take after graduating. Alhamdulillah it was a beneficial one, and it provided me with answers which I have been searching for all these while. The key to success is planning, and up to date, I'm still not sure what to do after housemanship. I mean of course I have to work to serve the JPA bond huhu, but I will to my best not opt for the chronic MO status huu. I try to search within me, what do I like best? It seems like nothing is outstandingly interesting other than biostatistic, how lame and nerdy does that sound? But the downside of it, which is losing my clinical skill is making me uncomfortable. Haissy. I'm also kind of interested in O&G, but the thought of smelling liquor and doing VE for the rest of my life is not that convincing as well huu. Ortho? totally out. Paeds? It gives me nightmares looking at those poor little things.. knowing a sick child can really make you cry.. IM? I can never properly detect a murmur or listen to a fine crept. Surgical-based? I don't need a hectic life with long hours of standing (standing during the ward round is enough to make me insane that I always imagine myself doing round using an electric wheelchair, now don't force me to stand for hours in the OT!), no thanks. Haissy... Making decision is definitely not easy, just how can I plan????

My long term plan- to graduate MBBS and rest for a while :D And I'm feeling contented with it hehe

Yesterday, I visited Nurul's baby in the ward :) Alahai comelnya baby boy tu, 2.8kg :D Boleh kawan dgn Ameer nanti k.

updates on 3rd trim :D

2010-11-19T06:12:00.003+08:00

It's friday 19th November 2010, and today Ameer turns 28 weeks! (Today my groupmates; Imah and Hafidz are getting married too! congratulations to both of them) ALHAMDULILLAH :) Dah besar dah Ameer ye, but the best part is when he is being very responsive nowadays :D I'm currently enjoying my holiday till Sunday, and Ameer usually get extra attention when I'm on hol, because i get to read storybooks to him hehe. I usually start by choosing a storybook whch I am interested to read (haha, seems like reading to Ameer is just an excuse for mommy!),then I'd call him by his full name, he will move. When I read, and he remains quiet, I usually will stop and ask, "Ameer, are you listening? Or you have fallen asleep?" Most of the time he will responds and give my tummy a nudge! That is so nice!!!! Now I really wonder, can a baby understand?? But why are born babies not as responsive as they are when in the womb? Weird weird and extra weird. Probably they are too busy trying to adapt to the worldly environment huh? Sunnatullah, and it is really amazing. Subhanallah Alhamdulillah Allahuakbar! Ameer, mommy is giving you another 10 weeks to grow big in the womb (he must at least reach the weight of 3kg before coming out! Ameen :D), then at 38 weeks old, please try hard to come out ok. *P/s Ameer takyahla duduk sampai 40 minggu :p mommy dah tak larat ni ngee~

Currently in the mood to shop for Ameer's books huuu. But books are not that cheap :( Abah still buy medical books for me, and I'm spending our money on books for Ameer. What a nice flow! Haha. Rasa nak grad cepat, nak duduk dengan abang, nak ajar ameer membaca, nak buat projek menjahit macam2, nak hias and kemas rumah, nak pergi melancong...nak jadi TETAMU ALLAH huuu banyaknya impian...!!

The downside of 3rd trimester is.. I feel extra tired (exactly like the 1st trimester huuuu). I feel like sleeping most of the time. okay okay this not laziness! This is for real. (tapi kenapa ada orang mengandung larat buat banyak kerja?? Berat2 pulak tu huuu) I crave for cakes- secret recipe to be specific. I think I can eat it everyday huu. And I can't carry Safiyya around that much. Having her on my lap is not comfortable either, since the tummy is big, and I'll end up feeling some discomfort and having difficulty in breathing. Yesterday she wanted to stand up so much, that I held her up in a standing position. She rested her feet on my tummy (I know that it looks and works perfectly well like a shelf or a step haha), then we asked her, "Haa safiyya pijak sape tu?? Safiyya pijak adik ni!!" hehehe. The abdominal wall is also itchy due to thinning process, i feel like scratching it all the time huu. Kakak asked whether I have started using the anti-stretch mark cream, but actually I've never thought of buying it before huu

Safiyya sleeps little but laugh much! And wants to be carried around all the time! Haissy this is not good huu. And she surely scratches a lot- garu semua tempat.. kalau abang tengok, mesti abang cakap, sebiji macam mommy! Because i have this habit of scratching eventhough it is not itchy and there is no visible lesion hehe. And abang keeps asking me "Ayang garu apa lagi tu? Gatal ke?" garu muka, mata, telinga, garu tangan semua lah, but it is not really scratching, it is more of a mild rubbing. But safiyya really scratches! sampai luka sana sini huu.

Stupid! Stupid! Sooo stupid!!!!!

2010-11-15T20:03:00.003+08:00

We had class with our mentor Dr F today. The class should be on Friday but brought earlier, so that we can have a long nice holiday perhaps. I guess none of us was ready, it was such an ad hoc class, and the first short case class for paediatric. I was a bit nervous huhu. Each of us was nervous, I'm sure.
Finally the Dr arrived, I could at least feel relieved because there was no cerebral palsy patient in the ward, examining the nervous system was the last thing that i wanted. He brought us to a 16 year old male with cushingoid feature. A colleague had the honour to examine him, and I could see that he was surprised and not prepared. After some stumble and mumble from us to answer several questions, we finally moved to another patient.. and guess what? I was asked to examine the respiratory system..

An 11 year old girl who appeared healthy. Looking at her age, I moved to prop up her bed to 45 degree (that is what we do when examining an adult patient). Suddenly ,"Hey, what are you doing??!!!" Adoi dah kena tengking. "I want to prop up the bed to 45 degree" "Who teach you that?? Dalam buku mana?" Dr dah start marah2 haha. After few minutes of listening to him condemning hutchinson etc.. finally he asked me to proceed. This time around, i pulled the blanket. "You nak buat apa lagi ni????!!!!!!!!!!!!" kena tengking lagi. "I want to expose the patient, so to keep her modestry, i'd like to cover with the blanket..." "Sapa yg malu?? patient yang malu ke YOU yang malu??' I'd like to answer "both..." but i just kept quiet.. i could remember being extra shy at that age, a transformation age between a little girl and a teenager..with all the pubertal changes huu, and i could see that the patient was shy (if i were in her place i'd have cried huuu) but she acted tough, alhamdulillah. "Stupid, stupid, so stupid!!!" That was when i was smacked hard, but i remained smiling. i think i was actually grinning stupidly hehe. "Berapa kali dah i ajar you, dari 3rd year lagi, examine patient paeds as the patient is comfortable!!" Me (dalam hati jelah) "Paed was my first clinical posting 2 years ago, lucky if i can remember anything from paed huu"

My feeling at that time? Org bermuka tembok like me tentulah tidak berasa apa2, instead I was happy to learn something from a consultant as great as him. I remember that he once told us (when I was in year 3, now I actually remember something :p), during his time, 2 students attached to a specialist. He followed the specialist anywhere, and learnt clinical skills and gain knowledge from the specialist. It is totally different now, when many students attach to a lecturer, and most of the time, we do things on our own...

i felt like asking him, "Dr, can I attach with you? I really want to be great like you, I'd like to learn your clinical skills and everything else!!!" but I know he would just give a plain stare and perhaps.. another "Stupid!" huuu.

Luckily, the class today made me realize that I don't have much time to waste, 5 weeks of paediatric left. Now I'm willing to work hard insyaAllah :) But, raya first!!!!

2010-11-11T18:43:00.003+08:00

Hopefully Ameer will read this one day.. Today is 11th november 2010, and today Mama bought him a cute book, entitled "My first....". Sgt cute!!! Perhaps later I'll snap a picture and put it here, just so that it'll forever remain in our memory :)

This morning abang sat for his final exam before having 2 weeks holiday, although we are far apart, I'm feeling very happy :D because??? he will always be available hehe

Today is 13th November 2010, I don't have much too write, afteer 1 week of doing nothing paediatric-ky, I guess, I should start to focus uh-uh. This laziness is really debilitating, I can't do much when it's around, I get lazier and lazier by day huuu. Masuk paediatric semakin tak bersemangat... :(

Yetserday I weighed 58kg!!!! 14kg increase so far..this is definitely not a good thing huuu. Abang cakap, "Ayang lebih berat dari abang!!! Bolehlah ayang angkat abang lepas ni :D" Errrkkkkkkkk!!! Abang, ayang berat sebab ayang angkat baby lah + swimming pool baby huhu.

Seriously sangat malas!!!! Mengapakah?? Nak g ward pun malas.... :( Rasa nak tido sentiasa, ke banyak sangat syaitan yang hanging on to my eyelashes?? euww. Abang is enjoying his 2 weeks of holiday, and frankly I AM JEALOUS :(

2010-11-09T06:43:00.002+08:00

I was warded since last night. Today is November 2010, and I'm so bored and alone in the ward. They have in total 10 beds, no curtain in between. Last night there was a kakak who accompanied me. A very nice lady who offered me almost everything...her food, her 3-in-1 milo, hot water etc. I just couldn't thank her enough. Luckily I brought some food from home and a bottle of mineral water, I've never imagined before that I'd eat thm up here huu. This morning another lady, a Chinese was admitted, was also in labour. I'm in the antenatal ward after all! First that kakak was wheeled into the labour room at around 8am, then the Chinese lady was wheeled in at around 12pm, and I was left completely alone. It is now 2pm, both of them had delivered their babies Alhamdulillah

We were on our way to Kuantan and had just passed a black MPV which skidded I guess, causing a short traffic jam. Subhanallah He knows best, not more than 10 minutes later, our Myvi spun few times and ended in a drain at KM 75.5. I guess it was the slipery after-rain road and perhaps going a bit over the speed limit. When it started to spun, the first word that I managed to shout was "Ya Allah" repeatedly. The first question that came to mind, "Is this how my life is going to end?" and my 1st concern was "Ameer, are you allright? Oh Allah, please don't let anything happen to him." The car was spinning fast, I saw the road, then I saw the trees on the road shouler, then I saw the smoke coming out of the engine I was scared but rational enough to crouch my body forward so that nothing will touch the abdomen huu. When the car stopped (and it was tilted with me a little bit on top and the driver's seat lower down because that side was in a drain) I shouted to Ah-long dude to get out fast. "Tak boleh buka pintu!" she whined. I tried mine and it was also stuck. So i rolled down my window, asked her to do the same and I jumped out of the window. At that time, I didn't even think of the possibility my abdomen get stuck haha. I jumped onto the grass. Just imagine, I was wearing a jubah, and when I jumped out, my legs were stuck in the jubah. I tried to stand up but fell down again, so finally I just rolled myself on the grass and partly crawling to get away from the car as fast as possible. I think when I was 3 to 4 metres away,only then ah long dude managed to come out. Even the pakcik who stopped by later said to ah long dude, "Kawan awak ni cepat betul dia keluar dari kereta" haha tak padan dengan mengandung

After some 10 minutes when the car appeared safe, somebody helped to take out our things. I reached for my hp, informed Abah and Abang. I didin't want to inform Ummi as I knew she would panic huuu

At that time, I was still very worried about Ameer. He was not moving (he moved actively just before the car spun). So i poked and poked him. Luckily among those who stopped their car awas a nurse in her 50s. she asked me whether there was any abdominal pain, I said no and she offered to take me to the nearest clinic. I asked her whether they have CTG, she said yes. I sat down to wait for the whole affair to settle down, and after 30 minutes, Ameer gave me his 1st kick. Well one can never imagine my feeling at that time.. Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah

Finally I asked the workshop people to send us to Hospital Bentong. I went straight to the screening room. By that time, my body has started aching, especially the left side of the neck where the seatbelt was initally placed. There was quite a huge swelling. After the nurse checked me, they asked of ah long's whereabout, to help me to register for ward admission. I was shocked

Masuk ward?? That was the last thing that I wanted, especially in the middle of nowhere. Siap tanya soalan bodoh, "Perlu ke?" and the nurse snapped at me "Perlu!". I knew best not to argue although my rebellious side yearned for a fight. I did all these for Ameer, May he be in the best of care, where continuous monitoring can be done and where help will always be available should anything happen

Then a Dr came and did a scan on Ameer, Alhamdulillah he was fine.. and guess what??? His parameter corresponded to the age of 27 weeks, memang la besar baby mommy n daddy ni :D

In the ward, I slept quite early and when they came to check on me and baby, it was like in a dream. I couldn't open my eyes and just let them do anything huu. I later realized that the nurses organized my things properly (earlier I just put my bag on the bed huu)

At around 2am, I couldn't sleep anymore because Ameer was too active and kicked me non stop huu. He was active up to 4 am. Plus my body was aching more and more. I smsed abang. Abang called me and we talked for some time, till subuh. After subuh I tried to get some sleep. At around 9.30 am another nice lady doctor came and checked on me. I asked when could I be discharged. She said at night. I didn't have any toiletteries with me. Abah was shceduled for flying that day. ummi asked me to get a taxi to Kuantan. my neighbours had visitors who brought them breakfast that morning.. and I cried and cried. I cried so badly that everybody (the doctor and nurses) made a fuss about it, mengada2 betul mommy nih. Dr asked me why did I cry, i said nothing. She thought I was upset when she said I could be discharged earliest that night. she said my hemoglobin is low. But she will try to discharge me that evening. Pastu mengadu kat Ummi and abang.. Pesan kat nurse mintk tolong belikan toiletteries, then she asked, "Awak takde sape2 ke kat sini?" I said No.. lg .. in the end the radicare auntie helped me to buy those things..mandi and gosok giig waktu nak solat zohor huuu. Nak sgt minum Milo (i'm the type of person who don't drink plain water at all) but I don't want to burden the radicare aunite and the nurses, so I just cried.. I think I cried for almost every single thing

At that time, i really hoped that abang would be around, I wanted to fly to abang and leave everything behind. Probably i should adopt the motto "life is tough, but I'm tougher" but apparently that didn't happen. The only things i did was to cry and break down huu

at around 3.30pm, they informed me that I could go home. As I had nobody around, they asked the PPK to settle down my hospital bill, and the nurse called the taxi, to bring me to the bus terminal. Abah called me at that time, but I was very upset, and I was crying some more. I had 2 big luggaegs with me plus my laptop bag, i just didn't know how to carry them along. Another problem was, there was no bus from Bentong to Kuantan. It is a very small bus terminal, they only go either to KL or Temerloh. In the first place I was thinking of going back to KL (I was given 4 days of MC), but then I would have to find a way to go back to kuantan later..what a fuss. So I was determined to take a bus to Temerloh, then change to another bus to kuantan. Suddenly when I was at the ticket counter, the ticket seller asked me where did I want to go.. I answered "Kuantan". She said it's ok, she would arrange it for me. So she called her friend (a driver of Transnasional bus) to pick me up at the terminal (his bus was not supposed to stop by at Bentong), and he said fine, since they still have empty seats.. Alhamdulillah, again He eased my journey.. That ticket seller was very kind, she even invited me to put my big bags in the ticket counter, since I had some 1 hour before the bus would arrive and I might wanted to go somewhere else.. Allah dah tolong banyak sgt3, semua jadi mudah, tapi masih nak bersedih2 huuu. So Ameer and me boarded the bus and at 10pm we arrived in Kuantan Alhamdulillah..

as for now, I'm using my MC to the most :D Attendance is important, but I guess my Ameer is much more important..I don't want to tire myslef too much, enough with the histry of prem contraction, the accident.. and now I just want to rest for few days and let Ameer grows healthily insyaAllah..

Amoi Piyah

2010-11-07T15:58:00.002+08:00

Amoi Piyah aka Safiyya Amani loves to read book nowadays! Tapi cara baca dia lain sket.. First she will sit in someone's lap, and a book will be opened before her.. Nobody needs to say anything, becuase in few minutes she will start reading it by herself (of course mulut dia bising la dlm bahasa yang tak difahami haha). She knows how to hold the book properly! And then her grip will get stronger and stornger.. In few seconds her lips will start to 'muncung' as if to kiss something, and she will hypersalivate (air liur start berbuih2 then melejer2 terus), and beware, in no time, she will pull the book closer, and her head lower down and........................Nyummm..... dia hisap buku tu!!!! I guess that's her only aim haha.

This morning amoi came to our house, and her mama brought her into our room. Maka ternampakla buku Ameer.. so we were excited to let her 'read' a book.. Nenek pun cakapla, "Eh Safiyya baca buku adik (Ameer)" and chup!! Safiyya imprinted something on it hahaha, tak sempat Ameer nak jilat2, Safiyya yg hisap2 dulu haha.

Cute sgt3 piyah ni!!!! I really shud ask the dad to snap some piccies of her while she's reading ! :D

Ni memang utk abang!

2010-11-07T14:25:00.003+08:00

Abang, this is the bag that I've finished sewing this holiday, yg abang asyik tanya "Dah siap ke belum?", "Tgh jahit lagi ke?" haha, somehow I felt like mak, menjahit sampai lewat malam (till early morning actually :p)

I've finished packing Ameer's things, ready to go to the hospital anytime :D

The usual complain..

2010-11-07T09:45:00.004+08:00

Today will be the last day of holiday..and tomorrow my Paediatric posting will start. Am still not in the mood for classes and wardwork, but I'm not offered with any other choice.. Will InsyaAllah go back to Kuantan this evening.

I really regret taking public transports like the other day when a friend dropped me in Gombak, and I had to board the train and metrobus to arrive home. it took me 2 hours to arrive from kuantan to gombak, and another 2 hours from gombak to my house huu, when the journey should be around 30 minutes only... I was carrying 2 large bags (which of course contained books) and a laptop bag (Alhamdulillah abang bought me a netbook instead of a laptop). I didn't mind taking the public transports before, but as now I'm carrying my big Ameer as well, and I don't want to overwork my burdened hardworking heart, it is indeed not a choice to be opted. Well, nothing is easy in life isn't it? At least I was so lucky to be able to sit instead of standing all the way :p A pregnant lady should always be offered a seat huh?

My next antenatal checkup will be tomorrow, after a free period of 6 weeks ^_^ surely I can't wait to see my Ameer :D I planned to do the 3D/4D tomorrow, but due to some reason it has to be postponed.

Speaking of being hardworking, I think the last exam was the worst in term of trying. (Of course it can't compare with my IM exam in which I was so sick to read the book huuu). I was really not in the mood for exam..simply because I think that life has nothing to offer haha. That was when I started to question my intention; how sincere do I do things for Allah, or do I do things to get worldly returns?? In sequent, my previous exams were Ortho, Specialized, IM and O&G. I went to Jordan after Ortho, I went to Jordan again after Specialized, abang was around after my IM exam..and next came O&G.. I was not going anywhere, and abang wasn't coming home, there was nothing interesting in store, except that I'd get a long break. It was way different in comparison to my 4th year, when I desperately wanted to pass my exams because I wanted to have my elective posting :p People love to say that I have hypothyroidism huuu because of my round-the-clock it's-ok attitude in such a lazy emotionless manner despite doing something very fatal huu.
Back to the pre-exam period, abang kept asking me, "Ayang cuak donut ke?" Cuak donut is the term that abang uses when he becomes so restless before the exam, so anxious etc. I said, "Not yet..." I waited and waited for that anxiety to set in but alas until the end of my exam, I think there were some technical diffculties in the emotional setting leading to me having a blunted affect. What did I do? I surfed and surfed the internet.. Actually I was so disturbed with something few weeks before the exam..and it was carried along until the exam huuu. So what I usually do (and usually make me feel happy :D) and, what I actually did was to surf the internet for Ameer's necessities and did some internet purchasing (since I can't shop for myself). Abang was the anxious one, asking me,"Tak ganggu exam ayang ke..asyik surf internet je..." I said, "takde mood.." So during this holiday I end up waiting for the parcels to arrive home huuu till the pos laju people said sambil tersengih2 "Hari hari ada bungkusan sampai ye". Ummi and me pun tersengih2 haha.
After 2 months without abang, I just can't stop missing his presence.. especially when I feel that abang is very busy carrying out his responsibilites in Jordan.. Alhamdulillah I have Ameer to play with, and someone to resort to when I feel so lonely, a companion whom I can read story books to...and at least it reminds me, although abang is not here, a part of him is in me (and it's kicking haha). A jihad is not easy indeed. But the reward from Him is far worth the effort.. May we be patient always..
Abang, you knocked on my door once, I opened it and let you in, that was the first time you imprinted something in my life, and it will forever stay in my heart. I love you so much!

Tag juge...

2010-11-06T06:29:00.002+08:00

Ummu Iffah tagged me.................... :)
kna beritahu 25 things about myself...
So here goes:

1. Saya pernah ditag dulu, tapi tak comply, so skrg cuba utk menurut perintah :p
2. Skrg tgh cuti...tapi 5 hari je :( tak puas... next posting will be paediatric
3. Saya SANGAT SUKA complain :D, tapi sbnrnya dalam hati saya SGT JARANG complain..slalu redha je, tp saje hobi suka2 bising2 complain hehe
4. saya ada habit yang dah cuba utk ditinggalkan lepas kawen tp masih tak berjaya: SAYA GILE SHOPPING :( (sampai abang pun dah susah nak nasihatkan, dah sebati dlm jiwa kot...)
5. Skrg abang jlnkan catuan beli baju kat saya selama 3 tahun :(
6. Demi menunjukkan kat abang yg baju taklah berapa banyak sgt.. saya dermakan 75% kot baju yg tak pakai huu...
7. Saya sedang belajar untuk menjadi zuhud, qanaah, tawaddhu'... sgt3 susah..
8. Berkahwin umur 23 tahun (tak sempat habis belajar pun ngeh3)
9. Pregnant umur 24 tahun (juga tak sempat habis belajar....)
10. InsyaAllah dapat baby umur 25 tahun (tak grad2 jugak!!!) Haisyyy
11. I love baking :D
12. skrg ada rutin baru... bacakan bedtime story book utk baby (yg masih dlm perut hehe). Tp instead of going to sleep, baby semakin aktif bila dengar cerita huu... dah jadi wake-up stories plak
13. Pssttt yg sbnrnya i know baby tak faham pun cerita tu, sbb bila lecturer tgh mengajar pun dia aktif melampau haha, means he just responses to any sound.
14. I also have this routine utk rasa kepala baby hari2, tunggu dia turun bawah huu. stkt ni masih oblique breech, hampir2 transverse :p.. on the way nak turun tuu.. buttock dia pun semakin hari semakin tinggi..sekarang dah dekat left lumbar hehe :D
15. ohh terlupa plak, insyaAllah nak professional exam bulan may.. saya sgt tak sabar nak habis belajar, sebab nak rehat goyang kaki je kat rumah :p pemalas tak??
16. sgt selalu tidur skrg sebab slalu rasa letih sgt3..tp tidur tak nyenyak and kerap terbangun & slalu dpt nightmare huuu
17. accidentally married to Muhammad al Athiq Marzuki haha.. but I am extremely happy Alhamdulillah :p (oopss takleh cerita lebih2 pasal abang nanti abang perasan huuu)
18. everytime I post a new article in the blog, I have to inform abang, otherwise abang merajuk ngee~ sebab dia nak jadi org pertama yg baca huuuu
19. I think I'm an overly ambitious person, too many plans in hand huu
20. I love staying at home, and frequently get homesickness
21. I guess I enjoy crying as much as I enjoy my meal haha
22. Pernah jual kek, dan sangat teringin nak jual lagi...but currently I'm staying in the mahallah for a while which makes it impossible
23. I like to tire myself to sleep so that I won't think of abang too much
24. I like to be a doctor, and I love listening to patients, but I hate the superbly busy life, just how can I adapt....?
25. Our baby already has a name Alhamdulillah :D

Dengan ini, saya mengetag
1. Ummu 'Umar 'Abdul 'Aziz
2. Aliya
3. ummu Iffah

taktaula sapa lg baca blog ni huu

1st day of holiday :D

2010-11-03T11:03:00.004+08:00

Waa today is really tiring, and it is only 11am! Am cleaning our bedroom, disposing most of the stuffs; specially emptying my wardrobes..semua gara-gara nak sumbat masuk barang Ameer huuu. a room that was already full, has been upgraded to the status of suffocating, once we put in Ameer's cupboard, cot etc. And now I'm filling up his cupboard with......... secret! hehe, will tell later.
Am also packing his things to be brought to Kuantan. Approaching 7 month of pregnancy, I have to be ready anytime, should he decide to come out and see the world earlier than expected. Naudzubillah~
Irritably waiting for the courier service to deliver some parcels~ kalau buka pintu lambat sket, diorng dah pergi :( Am also waiting for the workshop people to arrive and repair the aircond. It is unbelievably hot without the aircond
This morning I auscultated Ameer's heart using the bell of stethoscope, and it was wonderful to listen to!
Rasa nak tido je skrg~

O&G Exam

2010-11-03T04:57:00.002+08:00

I am finally home, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulilllah, Alhamdulillah :) Planning to be a fulltime housewife today, doing some baking and err.. err :p Exam was ok I guess, the theory part was not that bad, so was the clinical. But I really hate OSCE, we were not given enough time to write! 2 minutes for each station, and the questions were ample :( We got a laparoscopic pic of polycystic ovary, a BhCG chart for a patient with molar disease, an ampoule of MgSO4, A fetal simulator of breech presentation, and a ventouse cup. As for the PMP, it was a case of grandmultip (eh ye ke?? x ingt plak), with pregnancy induced hypertension, delivery complicated with post partum hemorrhage. The second, which was gynae case, was a bit horror. A 23 year old medical student, fainting spell during teaching with severe abdominal pain :p. Differentials?? I should have put 1. Hot ward 2. prolonged standing + skip breakfast. But it was actually a case of left tubal cyst torsion. But the final trigger was a bit out of track
1. Why do you think contraceptive pill is not suitable for this patient?
-compliance?? ada kaitan dgn cyst ke??
2. What is the most suitable type of contraceptive pill for her?? (pulak dah)
Pastu end up with DVT, dahla healthy 23 years old..haisyy

As for the clinical, I started with long case which was presented to Dr Roszaman (I got him for my short case during third year, a case of breech), 42 years old G9P7+1, underlying Gestational Diabetes Mellitus under diet control, diagnosed at 12 weeks period of amenorrhea. Last child birth 1.5 years ago. Other problems: advanced maternal age, grandmultiparity, poor spacing, failed contraception (she took Noriday, but 1 missed pill led to this pregnancy). Patient in active phase of labour.

Discussion was on
1. Do you agree with the Dx GDM?
No. It was diagnosed at 12 weeks POA, it might be DM complicating pregnancy
2. Did you look into this matter?
Yes, but patient did not do any DM screening before pregnancy, and she had no symptoms to suggest DM prior to this pregnancy

Then the discussion was on scan such as:
Do you think this patient need a detailed scan? I said yes. Organogenesis is at 7-12 weeks, and she was Dx w GDM at 12 weeks, meaning her blood sugar was not controlled duirng organogenesis, predisposing to fetal anomalies. However her sugar level was not high, around 5.6-6 only. In view of her advanced maternal age, it is important to screen condition such as Down syndrome. When should it be done? Around 18 to 20 weeks POA.

Next, I was asked about symptoms of DM. Patient had bilateral feet tingling sensation, resolved. She also had polydypsia, polyuria, nocturia developed at 7 months POA, but I said that is debatable with symptom of pregnancy in 3rd trimester.

Dr: Where do you look for ifxn in this type of patient?
Me: at the back.. (blank... terfikir pasal carbuncle)
Dr: what????
Me: oh, below the breast, groin, axilla

Dr: what do you think of her sugar control?
Me: I think it is suboptimal, as pt claim there is usually 1 high reading at each BSP. she was also not started on insulin, BSP done fortnightly
Dr: Are you sure? Cuba tengok ni (sambil menunjukkan BSP record in her antenatal book). 2 red readings for each BSP, and sometimes 3!!!!
Me: Huh????
Dr: Do o think she needs insulin?
Me: yes, because there are many red readings..
Dr: tapi you tgk value ni.. do you still think she needs insulin? (Dr dah hint2 hehe)
Me: No, the value is not that high..
Dr: Ok

Do you think she needs induction
Me: Yyess... (mcm tak brp sure nape tnye soalan cmtu huuu). It's the practice to not allow a GDM under diet to exceed EDD
Dr: I know it's the practice..but do you personally think she needs it??
Me: (err patient dahla mcm sihat je huu). Yes. Because she has high risk to have intrauterine death

Banyak lagi discussion sebenarnya, tp yg paling terkantoi habesssss: on types of induction huuu. kantoi that I didn't read on PGE1, PGE2, PGEF..last2 Dr ajar balik haha. They are different in term of potency.. He asked me what are you afraid of, to induce her with PGE? Me: uterine rupture.
Dr: tell me other types of induction that you know (ni paling memang takleh jawab). i just answered mechanical such as S&S, PGE and oxytocin. tak ingt langsung pasal foley catheter (dahla terang2 tergantung label 'foley catheter' kat katil patient huu), laminara..

That ends my long case.

Then I was waiting for my shortcase, while listening to shuhaib telling me about his long case. I was just saying, taknakla shortcase gynae, leceh kena check macam2 huu when Dr Khaled walked into the ward, smiling (I always like Dr Khaled, he is so humble and smiles all the time :), and he doesn't shout- for sure huu)
"U guys dah habis exam ke?"
"Dah habis long case"
"So waiting for short case? camne td?"
"Emm ntahlah hehe. Bolehla kot nak pass..Tapi tak distinction la"
Suddenly the sister who assisted the exam approached us. "You dah siap? La kenapa tak tunggu kat luar?" I said yes, I went outside earlier but there was nobody, so i sat at the counter, chatted with the HO, asking her what cases do we have in the ward haha. Ada breech? ada twin? semua pun takde..
Then the sister told shuhaib to go out, and asked me to follow Dr Khalid (Me: Yippeeeeeee alhamdulillah :D), while the Dr searched for the appointed patient. First, it's Dr khalid, second, it's another obstetric case! I got obstetric cases for long and short cases in my 3rd year, and both obs cases for my 5th year :p

The patient was a young 17 year old married pakistani (i seriously think she's beautiful), on blood transfusion. Was asked to describe (I said the patient was on blood transfusion packed cell O negative). So I said O-ve is usually for emergency transfusion.. but the Dr said..in the ward?? I said no.. actually the patient's blood type was really O negative huu. Discussion was mainly on causes, investigations and management of anemia. Tapi blur je.. Dr banyak bg hint huu. yang paling best, he asked, "Look at the abdomen, do you think she's term?"
I answered "NO" then siap sambung lagi..."I think she's 25 to 26 weeks pregnant" Dr Khalid appeared very satisfied. yang sebenarnya, I looked at her abdominal size was just about my abdominal size haha and I'm 26 weeks pregnant :p aci tak??

I guess that's all for the exam :D

What is wrong??

2010-10-28T06:10:00.003+08:00

I slept for 12 hours, 6pm to 6 am, while waking up for more than 10 times in between. My sleep pattern is getting worse and worse. I have stomach ache and bloating since yesterday evening... because I finished 1 whole papaya alone huu.. not a slice but sebijik! Hmm that reminds me of my early pregnancy phase.. tapi nak sgt2 makan betik..

Exam will be on monday and tuesday insyaAllah, and then....? Not sure whether I'm going home or not.. Ameer is getting even more active lately, I wonder why.. probably he's trying to tell me, "Mommy your gut is really noisy! I simply can't sleep.."

Abang will sit for his Dermatology exam today.. his 3rd specialized posting. And me? I'm getting lazier as exam approaches..

Lately...
selalu rasa nak marah...
selalu rasa nak mengamuk...
selalu rasa nak menangis...
selalu rasa malas..
selalu rasa down...
selalu tak berterima kasih pada orang lain..
selalu tidak mensyukuri...

Menopausal symptom??

Or....

sebab kurangnya baca Quran lately??? Kurangnya khusyuk solat?? Kurangnya mujahadah untuk qiyamullail?? Kurangnya berpuasa?? T_T

2010-10-20T18:40:00.002+08:00

I decided to do on call today, hoping for few emergency D&C or laparascopic surgery huu, really I'm getting desperate. Alas, I lose to my own lack of motivation and dozedoff :p

Never mind, I am finally going back!!!! Have already bought the bus ticket, monday will be public holiday, and currently considering to take tuesday off as well haha. Pemalas tak??

Exam insyaAllah will be on the 1st November, obviously I am (as susual) barely half-way done, I'm so pathetic. Can I just make a break-away from all these for a while? P/s: and give myself some leisure time to miss the husband? No way! I'll cry gallons.

The news is, I've lost 0.5kg for the past 1 month! and yet baby is growing alhamdulillah. What's the point of learning to palpate others' uterus if you can't palpate and monitor your very own right? hehe. If anybody is wondering what I would like to have for my coming birthday, then it'd be a CTG (cardiotocograph). Sometimes I get anxious when I can't feel his movement :p The happy news is, we have chosen a name for our little one :DDD and yes, it will be Ameer. But I'll give the honour to abang to announce it later, after his birth insyaAllah. We don't just call him ameer because.. okay okay I admit, I made a list of names for our kidS haha. abang lebih2 plak suruh buat a complete list for 7 children! uiks, abg nak ngandung ke?? heh heh. so we decided that the name Ameer will be given to all of our boys insyaAllah. kotla ada rezqi lagi... :) Ameer means a leader, a prince. I started using the kun-yah Ummu Ameer some 6 years ago, when Ust Maszlee said there's no harm in calling each other with kun-yah, it's a form of prayer. That's what I keep praying for, that 1 day I'll become a wife to a good man, that one day I'll become a mum to a son whom I'd call Ameer. And I've never expected that everything will be answered this fast, Subhanallah Allahuakbar walillahilhamd! Alhamdulillah for all His bounties... and may I remain being a grateful 'abd despite the ni'mah bestowed upon us... and may Ummu Baihaqi will get Baihaqi soon insyaAllah :D Haisy semakin tak sabar tunggu for the moment Ameer sees the world... I'm 6 months pregnant. People say "Cepatnya!!!" I say "adoi, lamanya...3 more months to go!" But still, it feels like yesterday when abang and me anxiously did UPT after UPT, it feels like yesterday when we patiently counted "Baby turns 6 weeks today", and he is now 6 months old.. Alhamdulillah .

I think almost every night I dream of giving birth huu. Witnessing deliveries is really distressing you know, it scares you. It is such an ugly, painful and dirty process but once the baby comes out, everything becomes wonderful. The embarassing dorsal or lithotomy position, the nauseating amniotic fluid smell, the messy show, the ketotic breath, the stool that comes out with the baby, the prominent facial veins upon straining, the cries in agony.... but once you see the baby in the mother's arms, you simply forget the whole process, and before your eyes is the most amazing scene you can ever lay your eyes upon.. That is how wonderful sunnatullah is :)

Maybe I should stop rambling now and attend to some real business...

Reminiscing the old days, not useful anyway :D

2010-10-11T18:11:00.002+08:00

This post is of no importance... AT ALL. It is just that every now and then you feel like writing something.... useless... to others, but important to me perhaps. Or is it all the time??!

I'm in my 5th O&G week, another case write-up needs to be submitted this friday (of course I haven't started on it), log book should be submitted next friday and 1 more week before the exam :D Umm wait, why am I smiling??? This is weird, especially when I haven't started preparing for it :D Never mind..

I haven't gone home for quite long, and not planning to be home anytime soon. I'll try to bear the days defore the exam, and then perhaps I can enjoy playing with safiyya :D Ok, I am missing home like mad. Full stop. But I have this weird theory, that f I go home less, Ill somehow perceive the time runs (runs fast!!) instead of crawling like a snail.. and perhaps I'll somehow feel abang won't be gone for too long T_T -pathetic- It's like you are trying to fool the mind...

I'm tired with the hospital. Fine. I'm tired with labour rooms. Nothing could be done anyway.

The thing is, I do nothing useful today other than reading the smses which abang gave since the day we tied the knot. Haha. Superbly pathetic. It has been more than 1 year.. Saje sembang2 petang dengan abang reminiscing the old days :D, we tied the knot in June 2009, but abang went back to Jordan after 2 weeks. We lived far apart for 6 weeks, then abang came back for 6 weeks- our 1st raya together. abang went back, this time around for 3 months, and then I came to Jordan in January to Feb for 3 weeks after I was done with Ortho. I then continued with my specialized posting for 10 weeks, and I was damn anxious waiting for the exam result as we were hoping that I'd pass and be able to do elective in Jordan. So I flew back to Jordan in May, and stayed there for 2 months (but I did my elective for 1 week only huhuu. I was so sick by then), then I came back to malaysia to start my final year. Abang followed 5 weeks later, our 2nd ramadhan and 2nd raya together Alhamdulillah. And now abang has gone back to Jordan for 3 weeks, planning to be home again in 4.5 months time when I deliver the baby insyaallah. Whoaa I guess that's the longest in history.. Huu abang lamanye... abang ok tak?? :D

Some people would just shake their heads, thinking we're insane huu. I don't even know how do we survive so far.. with the baby coming. But step by step, one step at a time, then 1 day look back, and you'll be surprised at how far you have travelled. I guess that is what we did, though in heavy tears. But we don't cry as much as before. I guess human just learn to adapt, not in a short period. And put aims at short intervals, then you try to achieve them one by one.

I remember when abang first left me, we cried like mad. he called me in the departure hall, when he has just boarded the plane, at transit airports, when he has just arrived, in the taxi on the way home, senang cerita, I think I talked to him more than anyone else in my life though he was thousands of miles away. I cried at the tiniest thing, I cried just by entering our bedroom, I cried when I look at his clothes, I cried when i drove my car, I cried when I was preparing milo, remembering how he used to prepare it for me when he was around. Man that was really messy huu. We smsed each other all the time haha that was real mess.

But being around my family did help in tremendous ways. How thankful I am that I have them in reach, all the time. As for now, of course I miss abang, at the simplest thing, as simple as smelling his neck when I hug him. But mission after mission, then you realize that you are actually travelling instead of being in a status quo. As for now, I'm aiming at abang's promise.... :p and yes, I Am working hard..

I always write things with reason (despite my usual statement that it is useless haha), probably it is sometimes too subtle that no everybody can pick it up. But be strong, everybody :D

Tired

2010-10-06T19:58:00.004+08:00

Went to the ward at 6am today, just to cover my patients for the round with Dr Raja Arif. Became so sleepy and irritable. It was hot in the ward and I felt like stripping off the whitecoat and throwing it into the dustbin, for good huu. The heat intolerance become so intense, that I have to sit in the surau everyday single day, only returning to my room at 12am. P/s abang please take note, I weigh 54kg today! sama berat ngan abang :p Had a long afternoon-to-evening-to-maghrib nap today, and dreamt of weird things! First I dreamt that I was in the high risk labor room, watching a lecture hall-sized slide, showing how a mento-anterior and mento-posterior face presentation baby will be delivered. Someone kept repeating "kalau mento-posteriro the head has to be hyperextended. Susah" That was exactly what dr raja said during the round huu. And on the slide I viewed the pic that he drew during the round. Well, he admitted that his pic was not good, and I had to heartily agree haha.
Then a nurse asked me what are the signs of fetal distress. A colleague said tachycardia. And she irritatingly and repeatedly said "No, tachycardia is late. Before that? What is before that?" In the dream I repeatedly recited the sequence which Dr Azha said during our long case yesterday, deceleration-no acceleration-reduce in bit to bit variability,tachycardia and finally bradycardia. Then niza kept calling me to ask which restaurant do we want to book for dinner haha. Man, that was all in a dream. I'm so haunted with the medic life huu. I did some complaining to abang, and slept. I woke up late for my maghrib prayer yet felt very fresh. Took my bath, performed my prayer, ordered my dinner, and currently staying in the surau to start my night Alhamdulillah :)

Piccies snapped by the dad :D

2010-10-04T19:47:00.003+08:00

Hasiy baru nak bersedih sedih, rasa nak tergelak pulak tengok gambar budak sorang ni, amoi da pandai gelak besar!!!! an extremely cheeky face expression as if there's a handful of tricks in her pocket. Dude safiyya, I'm so missing her!!!

Aliaa: anda memang pembaca tegar haha :p

Me: Presented my part in the Gynae Emergency seminar today. 1 more month to go before i sit for the exam, i am deprived of CPs (what a boring statement) huu. Checked that I am eligible to gain 18kg in this pregnancy, due to my pre-pregnancy weight of 44kg :p Relieved. Missing my significant other like mad. Abang, enjoy your posting :D and gudluck for the around-the-corner exam. And do pray hard for me and baby :)

2010-10-03T03:49:00.003+08:00

it's 3.50 am and I woke up with the urge "I've got to write someting" No post doesn't mean I've stopped writing, being a writer who actually ventilates the emotion through writing. I used microsoft word and had some problem publishing them in the blog. It's saturday, the end of my 3rd week, and sunday marks the start of my 4th O&G week. I have on call on Sunday T_T. The only reason why I'm wide awake right now is because I have to happily make to and fro trips to the toilet every night. Nocturia? It's not because of UTI (Urinary Tract Infection), it's because I just can't stop drinking, I feel thirsty all the time. GDM? (Gestational Diabetes mellitus??). One thing that really irritates me.. U sleep for no more than 2 hours before the urge come huuu it is so distressing, but not as distressing as the nausea vomiting in the early part of the pregnancy. Well it's just part of the parcel. Pregnancy comes in a package you know, starting with the NV, abdominal bloating which resolved around 4.5 months, then the back pain (which actually started early on around 3 months), then the thousands of acne which persisted since the last period if I remember correctly till now, then the hot intolerance which urged me to stay in the air conditioned surau, then the lethargy since the first trimester, continued with some degree of breathing difficulty with makes me eligible to be NYHA-ed huu. Really I think I can't take the stairs anymore (P/s I'm living in the mahallah for a while, level 4!!!!), the minute I reach my level, I just can't breathe anymore. One of these days surely I'll pass out huu but above all, I'm so worried with the weight gain T_T huuu 9kg in 20 weeks, how awful does that sound? Sure I have such a huge workload after delivery..to reach the pre-pregnancy weight huhuhuhu

And yet, baby is growing beautifully Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah :) kicking me like mad all the time, assuming my tummy is a futsal court I guess. 7 scans so far including a detail scan which we did in a private setting when abang was around, and 3 scans to confirm the gender haha, tak sopan langsung, suka kangkang2 je and show mommy his toot as if to say, "Mommy, I'm a boy!!!", if the baby comes out to be a girl, really I won't completely trust ultrasound for the rest of my life haha. Nama? Haven't given that issue a serious thought huu, guess both of us are still trying very hard to adapt with the hectic life (hectic in the pregnancy sense, trying to deal with all the complications huuu)

I'm really working hard for O&G, at least to fill up the logbook. Probably I had enough of poor performance in IM huhuu. And baby has his own adventure following mommy treading the hospital ground for 36 hours straight doing oncall after oncall. Most of my time are spent in the hospital, because I can't bear the thought of climbing the flight of stairs to reach my room huu. By the way he is now up and about at 4 am!

It's been 2 weeks since abang travelled afar, it's terribly lonely without him, but at times I'm just glad he's not around -huh??- with the crazy O&G life and oops I've just started paying visits to other wards (when others have done that since the ancient times sigh~) trying to revise and hold on dearly to whatever scanty knowledge that is still in my grip with regards to other postings, surely there's nothing you want more once you hit the bed or carpeted surau floor but to lose your consciousness in a deep sleep, not worrying of abandoning your other significant half. It's a fact, relationship is a two way thingy. You can't expect to get more than what you give, but surely you'll have to give without really hoping for a return (such a rare occassion gah). It's a fact. I remember once, I was so occupied with other things, when abang suddenly came and said "Cepatlah pujuk abang, pujuklah abang" Haha I was so stunned, but fortunately had an immediate recovery to realize that I had for so long subscribed to 'husband abandonment'. That was during my NV episode actually :p So I hugged him and said, "kesian abang ni, terbiar je, xde sapa layan" hahaha how lame my answer was. Abang's absence spells more freedom for me, and it also means more rindu-rinduan. Yep we miss you dearly, abang! Be strong k :) I just can' wait to finish the whole medic business huu, may Allah ease my journey towards graduation.

Btw congratulation to Anim n Zubir for the arrival of cute Hadeef, congratulation to Mawaddah n Hafiz for the arrival of cute Uwais and do pray for us, so that everything will turn out just allright :D Congratulation to Izzah and Idris who became husband and wife on 25th September, Alhamdulillah :)

kenapa la tak paham2 lagi?

2010-09-04T10:58:00.002+08:00

exam result was out..yesterday. And alhamdulillah, i obtained a P (Pass), without the D for sure (D stand for distinction). I was expecting an F instead (Fail). The result made me think again and again, I've always expected (and hoping) for a failure since i was in year 1 so that I could just quit without filling guilty (how stupid does that sound??) and a sound advice from Prof Nasa (move on, move on until you graduate, and you can always postpone your housemanship) is 1 of the things that keep me moving (of course the main bulk of motivation comes from my beloved Ummi). Talking about a medical student who really regrets the decision embarking on this journey.. i'm not saying it's a tough one as compared to others, but i'm telling you that it is a lonely one. It reminds me of an episode of House MD, when a young gypsy lad was offered to work in the hospital (he was actually warded with the complain of abdominal pain), but he was quite knowledgeable in term of medical knowledge which he learnt by himself.. but he ended saying to Foreman n Cameron something that i vaguely remember as "I don't see any ring on your fingers. You may think you are successful but you are not happy. You don't have a family". Gosh, maybe I should be a gypsy and seduce athiq into buying a caravan to live a nomad life??? Haha, way out of the topic. Talking about being with each other all the time :D

So as to wash away that lonely feeling (btw, you have so many friends, but being far away from the family is a lonely business indeed), I try to build my own family, plus having a kid whom I can bring anywhere I go haha. I have always hoped that somehow my family would move to Kuantan during my study period (how lame) :D

But life is not easy and simple, and life has been designated by the Almighty to be in certain pattern. Allah keeps giving me a Pass when I think I don't even deserve it...kenapala tak paham2 lagi petunjuk Allah?? That a muslim strives hard to be successful in both worlds. I keep asking myself, "Batul, are you trying to deny?? Kenapala buat2 tak paham jugak?? He keeps showing me the path that I should traverse, he keeps my spirit up" ~sigh~ A human is one creature that never feels grateful. Maybe I should stop whining after all and concentrate on marching forth. I'll try to be better in O&G :D

P/s: I already have one CP and determined to work hard to fill up my logbook this time around ngeh~

Congrats to Amy n Zanaridah for the wonderful D! Baby n mommy are waiting for some reward ngeeeee.

Saya ni pemalas!

2010-08-28T17:32:00.003+08:00

whoaaaa i took a long antenatal break from blogging :D truth is, i was in such a troll-like mood to write anything T_T. final exam was on last monday and tuesday...and i'll officially be a pathetic O&G-rian this coming monday and for the coming hazardous 7 weeks T_T

Speaking about the past posting and the recent final exam.... well, i can't say much...considering the negligible attendance, the ample absence from classes, the nauseating days, the extreme lethargy... let us start from my poor logbook performance T_T which obviously didn't meet the requirement. for 1 thing i had only 1 case presentation when everybody else did at least 4 CPs. to tell the significance, a difference between 2.5 marks which i got as compared to a full 10 mark obtained by others, man that was sure significant! when you don't come to the ward, obviously you miss all those procedures which need to be recorded in the book. And come to exam, I am more than happy to anounce, that I still have this NV (the nausea especially) and I vomited up to the morning before i departed to the exam hall huuu. Makanya saya tidur, tidur dan tidur.

The first day of exam was such a mess. First the MCQs were kinda hard. then for the OSCEs, i forgot to answer 1 question out of 5 questions... down the drain my 20% went. I thing my mind was not ready to cooperate, I was tired and all. if I could answer the rest of Qs excellently, that would be OK, but the prob is I was so weary to think! I first interpreted the ECG strip wrongly, and afterwards continued to stare at it..and said, Oh, it's a heart block... but the bell was so eager to ring and mark the time limit,,so aother 20% down the drain.

As for the clinical. I got a case of mitral stenosis in failure with Dr hasnur, which I didn't do well, and for the short case a steroid-induced Cushing syndrome due to nephrotic treatment with Dr Marzuki...which was not ok either. haha everything was not ok :p At times I kinda hope to fail so that I can use that as a reason to postpone my study (well I mentioned earlier, I'm so not in the mood to study. Kenapalah saya pemalas sangat ni!!!!). The thing is, life doesn't work that way. I am haunted by medicine my whole life huhuhu, because by hook or by crook, I have to finish whatever that I have started (sadis tak??? hehehe)

But above all these, I am soooo happy for my baby which is growing well alhamdulillah. I had a scan 2 weeks ago, (I practically scan the baby at 6th, 8th. 10th, 12th and 14th week amounting to 5 scans so far huuu) and was informed that I have a baby boy ;D well, of course i need to scan again as that was early. Sincerely speaking, I was initially shocked with microscopic upset feeling (refusing to believe that I have a 50% chance to get a boy haha), but I have started to enjoy the sweet fact :D I am now a proud mom who shop for a boy (although I can't refuse to look at the pinky winky thingies, and so I end buying them for safiyya :DDD), but guess what? 2 days ago, we bought a pink stroller for our boy!

Abang: Ayang nak beli pink juga ke? Macam perempuan la..
Me: Nanti yang nak tolak stroller tu ayang, bukan baby :D
Abah: Why did you buy a pink one? what if the baby is really a boy?
Abang:........
Me: [wide grin]

Agak punah la harapan untuk pakai matching outfits with a daughter...but INSTEAD... when we walked in parkson yesterday, i accidentally saw such a sweet light pink soft satin baju melayu for a 1 year old from afar and shrieked "Abang, comel!!!!!!!!" and both of us immediately went to check it out haha.

Abang: Tahun depan kita beli baju ni. Nanti abang beli baju melayu yang kita nampak tadi (earlier we saw exactly the same shade of baju melayu for an adult)
Me: Erkkkk (abang la pulak nak pakai matching outfit huuuu). Emm kita beli kain, tempah baju semua orang (me, abang and baby) dengan kain sama.
hahaha mommy taknak mengalah!

Today I bought a 6-12 month pink shirt for safiyya, and a 3-6mth beige shirt for my baby, with exactly the same design so that they can wear it together nanti hehe.
Alhamdulillah so far we are almost done with the shopping. And not enough with the shopping restriction for my clothes for 3 years, today abang officially put a ban on buying baby's outfit as well huuu T_T. Drawer baju tu macam dah tak muat nak tampung baju baby huuu. If you decde to have the second one 10 years later, of course you do not want to miss the opportunity to shop for the baby....tapi Ummi cakap...
"Biar Allah soal kat akhirat nanti! Membazir je"
Yang sebenarnya our baby tak sabar nak inherit baju dari kak safiyya hehe. :D

Safiyya dah berat dan panjang. She was born at 3.4kg, reached a weight of 5kg at 1 month old, and currently wearing a size of 3m/o. Dia bulat dan sangat kuat menyusu!! Tapi disebabkan we have labelled safiyya as budak kampung, everyday, I bathe her in the sink in the kitchen, using purely tap water haha (yep, saya suka mandikan safiyya dan dengar dia jerit2 hehe). Dia suka kena bounce laju2, and tepuk kuat2 haha. ( a mild dose of tepuk bontot is not effective to sedate her to sleep :D)

A weekend with Safiyya :D

2010-08-08T17:32:00.004+08:00

safiyya tidur sambil tarik rambut. safiyya stress ke ni??

safiyya tidur ganas! macam2 aksi. dia ni memang pandai keluar dari bedung. pastu kitorng ckp safiyya ni budak kampung, tak pernah pakai seluar! diapers corak hawaii pulak tuh huu

nak pakaikan safiyya socks tapi safiyya kecik sgt! so nenek do it manually, letak rubber band je kat socks safiyya hahaha

It is a weekend well spent with the little one Alhamdulillah. Finally I managed to touch, pinch, kiss, hug and torture Safiyya on her 13th day of life hehe (hey Safiyya welcomed my presence with her poo and vomitus haha). Well she did behave when she sacrificed her sleeping time the evening all of us came back home, I guess she was kinda overwhelmed with all the attention given, and tried hard to stay awake despite accidentally falling asleep few times.

Safiyya rarely cries, she only does so when she's hungry. Itupun menangis kurang ikhlas ekk-pause-ekk-pause-ekk hahaha. Safiyya sangat ringan and kecik and adorable and wears that emotionless expression all the time. But she smiles very frequently now, not a social smile though, she's just working out the muscles and making sure everything is functioning :p

Looking at Safiyya really moves me to tears at times.. looking at the innocent face..and the sad expression when she's desperate to feed (she really knows how to catch our sympathy by making the pitiful face!!) and I keep thinking of the babies that were abandoned, thrown away like a rubbish, and become the meal for animals and maggots... I imagine how they cry because they are hungry, how they cry for some love and attention, how they cry because they feel cold, and how they cry to death.. sangat sedih... there are times when I feel extremely hungry or extremely in pain enduring the gastritis and I have people around me to help.. there are times when I wake up in the middle of the night, crying due to some stupid nightmares, and I'd pick up the phone to call abang, sobbing like mad looking for consolation, there are times when I feel that life is cruel, and I'm glad to have those who care, lending me their ears and offering me words of motivation.. well we are not babies, and yet we still need others to help us to move on.. I think of all these when I look at safiyya. Sometimes safiyya wakes up suddenly and cries hysterically, I guess she experiences nightmares, and I love to cuddle her and make her feel convinced that it is just a nightmare. Sometimes she cry mildly so I hug her and sing to her, and she would continue to stare at me in such a peaceful way until she fall asleep..those stares really make me understand that more than anything else, each and everyone of us want to feel cared and loved.. and sometimes she cry in such a sad way, like a heart-touching howling.. I guess it's her way to tell us that she's famished! hehe and I'd nag the mama to breastfeed her immediately.. a weekend with safiyya is indeed a weekend well spent. an innocent baby reminds me about life and all its beauties Alhamdulillah :) do spread the love especially to the dependent ones..to the children, to our parents :)

p/s safiyya is so lucky to have great mama n abah, atuk yang suka kejutkan safiyya dari tidur sebab nak main dgn safiyya, nenek yang rajin mandikan safiyya and backup safiyya (hehe ummi ckp kalau lambat bagi safiyya menyusu bila dia dah nangis, nanti berdosa), aunties who love to take care of her, and uncles yg pandai check pampers safiyya berak ke tak hehe

Moving into the second trim

2010-07-31T19:11:00.002+08:00

I guess I'm insane! Few more months left before I graduate insyaAllah, and I'm still thinking of quitting? Dude!!!!! Or better still, postponing the final year. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'm really not in the -student-mode- (malas yang melampau) and I can't push myself to be in that mode, and I just want to go back home and stay with Ummi, doing nothing. How awful does that sound?.......Pemalas giler2.

Is it that bad? Hah. Rephrase --> Is medicine that bad? or.. Is the mind that rotten? Huhu either way. InsyaAllah abang will be home in 1 week, and I'm trying hard to finish my on-calls before that..which explains the dull and grumpy weekend in Kuantan ~sigh~ I really want to hug and kiss and chew Safiyya!

Surely abang will be surprised, the wife that has always been slim-mlim (haha), dah buncit pun haha. In no time, the wife will be all bloated up!

Moving into the second trimester, few changes have to take place. I start taking the Enfamama milk although the taste is not that encouraging huu. I rarely vomit these days but the nausea is still there. And I'm yet waiting for the dinasourous appetite to set in huu. Guess I'm tired of doing a shopping spree at the pasar malam and later throwing away untouched food. Stowing away the high heels, I opt for a pair of unfashionable Bata Comfit sandal because when you stand for 1 whole day in the ward, the shoes really can't accomodate the swelling feet. It's not much yet, but the feet do swell! And I start to look at my baju kurung with distaste huu. The kain has started to strangle the waist! If I wear it too low,then it'd sweep the street clean, if I wear it too high it would cause an even more severe dyspnea. Haisyy. In the end, can I just wear nothing?? _Depressed mode_ 1 thing, I can't tolerate chicken now, but I have to eat nasi lemak every single day!!!! Ketagih pulak tu dengan nasi lemak kat Rescue. How unhealthy huuu.

Abang, do ur best in the exam! (Chewah pandai nasihatkan abang, walhal diri sendiri pun malas).